Sherwood

Sherwood · Mar 14, 2021

Keep this in mind for next Christmas: Santa is a Great Old One. Consider:
Capable of instantaneous travel across the globe; he spans nations,
Many unpaid minions that live only to do his bidding, including eight hooved flying monstrosities. Nine if you count He Who Glows,
He himself is all seeing, all knowing,
Used to scare children into good behavior,
Offers extremely conditional gifts,
His belly is swelled greatly by offerings, described as "gelatinous" (shook when he laughed, like a bowl full of jelly),
Despite this, he is "Lively and Quick",
Are we certain he has no tentacles? Look under the beard!
And his yearly festivals drive his worshipers insane.

Sherwood · Mar 14, 2021

Found out that my neighbor's four sons all want to be valets when they grow up.
Its the worst case of parking sons' disease that I've ever heard of.

Sherwood · Mar 13, 2021

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane!

Sherwood · Mar 13, 2021

I keep randomly shouting out "Broccoli!" at strange times, and went to my doctor to find out why.

He says I have Florets Syndrome.

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2021

What if deja vu means you just lost a life and are respawning at the last checkpoint?

Sherwood · Mar 10, 2021

If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, what happens if a doctor eats an apple?

Purr · Mar 4, 2021

I may not post much here, but your puns crack me up, bud! =)

Sherwood · Mar 3, 2021

Earlier today, my doctor gave me some anti-gloating cream.

Can't wait to rub it in.

Sherwood · Mar 3, 2021

A successful mine is totally unheard of.

But that goes without saying.

Sherwood · Mar 3, 2021

Someone in town has been stealing shirts based on their size.

Apparently, he's still at large.

Sherwood · Mar 3, 2021

When an escaped prisoner is caught camping out in the woods, it was a clear case of criminal in tent.

Sherwood · Mar 2, 2021

A TV weatherman broke both of his arms and legs. He had to call in from the hospital to explain his four casts.

Sherwood · Mar 2, 2021

Take old, empty toilet paper rolls and cut eye holes in them. Then, put lit up glow sticks inside them, then stick them in bushes around people's houses at night to really freak them out.

Sherwood · Mar 2, 2021

Me: I'm writing a book, but its kinda boring. Should I kill off a few characters in it to make it better?
Friend: What kind of book is it?
Me: An autobiography.

Sherwood · Mar 2, 2021

I found the bottom right corner of the Excel sheet. It is XFD1048576.

Evil Tip: change your text to white, then type a 0 in the box. When someone tries to print the document, it will eat up a whole ream of paper.

RandomBlobMan · Mar 2, 2021

give us the pun pun man

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2021

A sea creature that likes to use the doorbell should be called the Knock Less Monster.

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2021

Did you hear that Wal Mart is going to add dental clinics to their stores?

There will be an express lane for people with 12 or less teeth.

Sherwood · Feb 28, 2021

8:00 am: Too tired to think
Noon: Too tired to think
3:00 pm: Too tired to think
11:00 pm: How do dragons blow out birthday candles?

Sherwood · Feb 27, 2021

I just learned that the official medical term for owning too many dogs is a 'roverdose'.

Sherwood · Feb 22, 2021

What do you call a group of rock-climbing pirates?

The Pirates of the Carabiners! Ha!

Sherwood · Feb 21, 2021

If a DnD party was made up entirely by orc bards, is that an orc-estra?

Sherwood · Feb 20, 2021

If I could be a superhero, I'd be Aluminum Man, so I could go out and foil crime.

Sherwood · Feb 20, 2021

I overdosed on Viagra once. It was the hardest day of my life.

Sherwood · Feb 20, 2021

Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, respect and kindness.

Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever and brutal.