Accidently swallowed invisible ink.
Now I'm in the hospital, waiting to be seen.
Now I'm in the hospital, waiting to be seen.
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Not to brag or anything, but I'm what Willis was talking about.
Those first two guys that thought that Superman was a bird or a plane - why were they so excited?
I feel like if you can prove that you didn't score above a 'C' in Chemistry class, you should be able to bring liquids on an aircraft.
I don't usually like to brag about gong till expensive places, but I gotta share that I just left the gas station!
Do you know what the favorite kind of music of the block of cheese was?
R and Brie.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do.
The sound of a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls and ceiling to surround the audience.
The sound of a pigeon on stage does not do this. The reason is that a coo sticks.
I saw a cow. Then, I saw the same cow again.
It was deja moo.
If you try to tell bad dad jokes while not having kids, that is a real faux pa.
I caught a cold while traveling in Madrid a few years back. I called down to the front desk of the small hotel I was staying at to see if they had any cold medicine, and they surprised me by saying that they have a doctor on staff. He came up to my room, gave me some medicine, and made me feel better. I told him I was amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor on staff, and he said, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!"
Never play tennis while using a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.
When the cannibal arrived late for the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a genetically engineered cow?
A Mootant!
My daughter asked me what she could to to help her odds of getting the job at the moisturizer factory.
I said that my best advice was to apply daily.
What kind of math do trees do the best?
Twigonometry?
Square Roots?
Geometree?
If 'womb' is pronounced 'woom' and 'tomb' is pronounced 'toom', shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?
We all know where the Big Apple is, but can anyone tell me where the. . .
Minneapolis?
I once asked my wife why she married me.
She said, "Its because you are funny."
I said, "I thought it was because I'm great in bed."
She said, "See? You're hilarious!"
What sounds like a sneeze and is made out of leather?
A shoe.
Before my last surgery, the anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.
It was an ether/oar situation
Swiss cheese has holes.
More cheese = more holes.
More holes = less cheese.
More cheese = less cheese.
Mind. Blown.
Want to hear my one liner about two tropical birds that got stuck together?
Nevermind. Its toucan fusing.
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes, but right now, its only a draft.
I ate the new Pelican Burger at the local fast food place. It wasn't bad tasting, but the bill was enormous. -
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