I'm sitting at the ER. I don't want to go into details, but the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" is a very misleading product name.
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How does Spider Man keep coming up with such witty come backs?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.
These... continue to be horrible! And they continue to make my day! Thanks, Sherwood! =)
Please don't accept any friend requests from Lizzie Borden. She's a known hacker.
When you teach a wolf to meditate, he becomes aware wolf.
In the Star Wars universe, anyone can just jump into any spaceship and immediately knows how to fly it.
I once spent twenty minutes searching for the button to turn on the headlights of a friends car.
Accidently swallowed invisible ink.
Now I'm in the hospital, waiting to be seen.
Not to brag or anything, but I'm what Willis was talking about.
Those first two guys that thought that Superman was a bird or a plane - why were they so excited?
I feel like if you can prove that you didn't score above a 'C' in Chemistry class, you should be able to bring liquids on an aircraft.
I don't usually like to brag about gong till expensive places, but I gotta share that I just left the gas station!
Do you know what the favorite kind of music of the block of cheese was?
R and Brie.
I spotted an albino Dalmatian yesterday. It was the least I could do.
The sound of a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls and ceiling to surround the audience.
The sound of a pigeon on stage does not do this. The reason is that a coo sticks.
I saw a cow. Then, I saw the same cow again.
It was deja moo.
If you try to tell bad dad jokes while not having kids, that is a real faux pa.
I caught a cold while traveling in Madrid a few years back. I called down to the front desk of the small hotel I was staying at to see if they had any cold medicine, and they surprised me by saying that they have a doctor on staff. He came up to my room, gave me some medicine, and made me feel better. I told him I was amazed that such a small hotel had a doctor on staff, and he said, "NOBODY EXPECTS THE SPANISH INN PHYSICIAN!"
Never play tennis while using a cymbal. It makes a terrible racket.
When the cannibal arrived late for the luncheon, they gave him the cold shoulder.
What do you call a genetically engineered cow?
A Mootant!
My daughter asked me what she could to to help her odds of getting the job at the moisturizer factory.
I said that my best advice was to apply daily.
What kind of math do trees do the best?
Twigonometry?
Square Roots?
Geometree?
If 'womb' is pronounced 'woom' and 'tomb' is pronounced 'toom', shouldn't 'bomb' be pronounced 'boom'?
We all know where the Big Apple is, but can anyone tell me where the. . .
Minneapolis? -
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