If you put a picture of yourself in a locket, you can then say you are . . .
Independent.
Independent.
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Would Steve Jobs have made a better president than Donald Trump?
I don't know. That's like comparing apples to oranges.
Butterflies are not what they used to be.
If you are trying to figure out if the glass is half full or half empty, pour the liquid into a smaller glass and stop bitching.
What do cats like to watch on tv?
Nestflix
Pac Man's favorite cooking pot is a wok a wok a wok a wok a wok . . .
Happy Mother's Day!
Did you know that the character Spock from Star Trek had three ears? There's the left ear, the right ear, and the Final Front-ear! Ha!
Don't believe everything you read in a public toilet. Stacey is not up for a good time.
What an awkward phone call that was.
Whomever came up with the fact that you can make cake in a cup in just one minute must have been up to some serious shit in their lives.
I'm not saying blondes are dumb, but I just saw one snorting Sweet and Low because she thought it was Diet Coke.
Today I learned that if you are in a canoe and it flips over in the water, you can safely wear it on your head because it is capsized.
Know what I hate? When people are eating yogurt and spend 30 minutes going apeshit scraping the bottom of the cup trying to get every last drop. Give it a rest, people. Its yogurt, not cocaine.
Do you know how to make 100 old ladies yell "F***!" at the same time?
Have another one of them yell, "Bingo!"
I heard in the news that there is a local woman that tried to pull a John Bobbit on her cheating boyfriend and cut off his wanker. In the struggle, she stabs him in the leg, and is now being charged with Misdawiener.
For all of you medical professionals out there, I know a really funny joke about HIPPA.
Too bad I can't share it with you.
So, can anyone else tie a rope using telekinesis?
Thought knot.
I'm sure that a woodpecker just called me paranoid in Morse Code.
I'm sitting at the ER. I don't want to go into details, but the "Dyson Ball Cleaner" is a very misleading product name.
How does Spider Man keep coming up with such witty come backs?
Because with great power, comes great response ability.
Dumplings imply the existence of one large Dumple.
These... continue to be horrible! And they continue to make my day! Thanks, Sherwood! =)
Please don't accept any friend requests from Lizzie Borden. She's a known hacker.
When you teach a wolf to meditate, he becomes aware wolf.
In the Star Wars universe, anyone can just jump into any spaceship and immediately knows how to fly it.
I once spent twenty minutes searching for the button to turn on the headlights of a friends car. -
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