I was going to start off a new career as a plumber, but I discovered that it is just too draining.
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I'm addicted to eating Thanksgiving leftovers. I just can't quit cold turkey.
I don't wish to alarm anyone, but I strongly suspect that one of you is an owl.
You know how that there is a theory that no two people see color the exact same way?
Does that mean that color is just a pigment of our imagination?
Me, at the therapist office: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia.
Therapist: You might be getting carried away.
Me, yanking gun out of the holster: NOT WITHOUT A FIGHT, DAMNIT!
To illuminate a room, I like to sexually stroke the wall next to the switch.
What a turn on.
What do you call a motorcycle gang made up of ancient bisexual Norse monarchs?
The Bikings
If I'm a slice of bread, does that make my wife my . . . butter half?
Ha!
Be careful not to mix up your Keurig pods with Papa John's garlic butter sauce cups. It does not work out well. Trust me on this.
if you think about it, armadillos are just tactical assault possums.
If you are ever being chased by an angry pack of taxidermists, do not play dead.
What do you call a mummy that has a cold?
Sir Cough, I guess!
I put my root beer into a square mug... now it's just beer. Hah!
Not knowing about Greek mythology is my Achilles Horse.
I always wanted to be a monk, but never got the chants.
I'm going to make a voodoo doll of myself and give it a backrub.
If cows ruled the world, would they drink human milk?
I asked the librarian for a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schroedinger's Cat. She said it rang a bell, but she didn't know if it was there or not.
Has anyone's cause of death been that they laid down the boogie and played that funky music till they died?
A haiku about being an adult.
I am so tired.
Where did all my money go?
My back is hurting.
A quick shout out to all my fellow veterans on this Memorial Day. All gave some, some gave all, and those that celebrate this day owe their freedoms to you. Thank you for your service!
The inventor of the ballet skirt was stumped for a name for it until he put tu and tu together.
That horrible feeling when you've killed five zombies and stabbed a vampire with a stake and you start to wonder why they were all carrying bags of candy.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is my roll model.
Do gun manuals have a troubleshooting section? -
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