Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

I find myself rhyming
As of late
Maybe it’s the timing
But I don’t think it’s the date

Maybe it’s music
Writen on a page
Unverballized tragics
Till I come of age

I’ve always loved poetics
With their vents of emotion
I know it’s nonsensic
But some are quite potent

Now It’s the classic rhyming scheme
Of every other line
Don’t worry about this one
it just takes time

Maybe it’s the whimsy
thats captured my heart
I still don’t know
But here is where we do part

So take care fair stranger
Or familiar face
We may meet again
The next I vent in this place

 

[Shawdios]

Y’know.
it’s weird feeling lonely
As an Aromantic

Because you long for people
You long for the presence of a person
But not in a romantic way

However, when you bring it up
People just snort
And say
“Well you’re Aromantic right?”
“You shouldn’t feel lonely if you’re Aromantic”
“I knew you weren’t actually Aromantic!”

Shut the fuck up.

I long to have someone care
I long for someone to be happy if I text
To be happy like I am when someone texts me

I dont long to have someone to kiss
Or to hold hands with

Maybe someone to watch a movie with
But not someone to marry

I want a friend
Here
Physically

But what is a friend?
I don’t fucking know

From what I’ve gathered,
It’s a bond.
A two way street
Where you care for the person
And be there for them
While they do the same

I don’t know much about it though

All the “friends” I’ve had
They leave
Or forget
If I stop initiating

Except for one.
And I cherish them.

I don’t know what I’d do
If they acted cold to me
And brushed me off

My emotions would probably slip and plummet

I shouldn’t be this dependent
But that’s loneliness for you.

When you’re lonely
You cling to,
Every.
Damn.
Person.
Who shows you even the littlest of attention and affection

You cling to those who ruin you
And drag you down to the point
Where you’re dragging bloody brushes across canvas
And lose interest in everything

I have issues.
I’m lonely

And there’s no way to fix it.
I don’t know how people have so many friends

I long to have that friend group
who beats down your door
When you stop talking

I want people to care
I want to stop being this kid
Who is either the one with headphones in the corner
Or the loud mouth that everyone finds annoying

I want to have someone
Who I can admit my insecurities to
And not have them exploited
Or worry about being a burden

I don’t want to depend on just one person
Who has their own issues
That I don’t know how to help with
I don’t know how to help them most of the time
And I feel horrible for that

I hate how I’m aware of my own thoughts
I hate how I know I brush off people
And find them annoying at times
Then turn around and wonder why I’m alone

What is a friendship like?
What is a healthy one?
Am I the problem?

I don’t know

I worry
And I worry
And I worry
That I’m a piece of shit

I worry
About peoples actions and thoughts
Because I know my own
And how I act
And that must be how everyone acts

So if I find this annoying
I’m annoying because I do the exact same thing
I’m a hypocrite
With my complaints

I care about people
But I can switch to not caring so fast
Then back again

I switch between being happy and sad
Based off of people’s attention on me
Phone notifications empty for nearly three days?
Bad day
Bad day
Bad day
Everyone hates me
I hate this person
Then a Person replies back to message
And I’m lit up like the sun

They replied!
They were just busy!
It’s not me!
They’re my friend!

I ramble
Then they give one odd, seemly dismissive, message
Or disappear for an hour

Oh no I’m annoying them
They didn’t actually care
They’re such a fucking bitch
I upset them

I’m a jealous mess
I hate so easily
I’m vindictive
I’m pretentious
I’m oblivious

The one person I trust to be honest with me has said I’m oblivious
And it checks out
My sister has said it too

He hasn’t texted me back though.

I hate summer camp.
It gives me a taste
Of what not being lonely feels like
Then it rips it from me
It gut punches me
And forces out my happiness out of my lungs
Emotionally winding me




I started it again.
The redlines.

I hate loneliness
I hate Hannah
I hate her
I hate how she introduced me to this
How I crave her addictive complements
How she was the sunlight
That I basked In till I got sun poisoning
With my bubbly skin that still bleeds
because I pop the blisters
And pick at the scabs
My skin now with a cancer
That eats away at me

I hate her
And long for her
At the same time

I want how we could talk for hours back
I want the dopamine that she gave me with how interested she was in my passions back
I want how I felt like I was important back
I want to feel like I’m not so fucked up that I can be the subject of someone’s crush

I want to stop being lonely
But I’ve dug my own hole
And I’m slicing the ropes people toss down to me
Out of fear of it being a snake that bites

 

[Shawdios]

im just in a bad mood
a sad mood

im tired
I dont wanna draw
I need to work on these designs
but im tired

I need to write out a reply
but I have time
so ill just put it off

I need to do schoolwork
but Im tired
so ill pretend I forgot
or lie about it

I dont know why im tired
both physically and mentally

I called my friend a few hours ago
and I was happy and energetic
but now im tired and lethargic
its not him
I know it isnt
because he's not toxic
not like Hannah was

he's tired too
I hate this
I want to work on things
but I dont have the energy right now

yet I have the energy to type this?
its bullshit

ive cried a shit ton over the course over the past two days
I dont know why
I just cried because my eyes decided to and my emotions were high
Its better than staring at the ceiling though

I want to start doing streaming again
for while I draw digtally
because I feel better when there's people watching
I want to be a being that's observed

I want your attention.
I want overwhelming notifications
but ill grow tired of it
like I do with everything
I'll grow tired
and find excuses not to do things
ill frantically apologize
and cut things off
because ive never done anything long term
always in half year increments or shorter than that
I hate and love change
I need variety
but not too much that im being whipped around every day
or do I?
I dont know

I dont fucking know a lot of things
I hate that uncertainy
and I avoid situations that give me that uncertainy
I want to be the most knowledgable on a subject I like
and I hate anything that challenges that
im a obnoxous know it all
a bitter, vindictive, know it all

god damnit
I want to know what my issues are
so I can tear them out
and fix them
or just get rid of them entirely

I wish coffee worked on me
so that im not tired anymore
everything is too much right now
I want to call that bitch
so that I can feel something
so that she can either be friends with me again
or insult me and make me feel worse
so that I have the guts to do something for once

im probably in some sort of destructive period
is that why im longing for this?
I dont fucking know
I dont fucking know
I dont fucking know I as't hfbgf

I probably tire my friend out
and he talks to me because
oh shit am I a Hannah to him?

I hope not
I probably should stop thinking too much about things
but I cant
cause what if im fucking up people if I stop worrying about my actions?
I wish I didn't care so much about others
maybe I would feel better

goddamn I projected heavily onto an OC
Jesus chirst
he's literally this
wow
no wonder I was so excited for that Rp
holly fuck

I should probably eat
I should probably do a lot of other fucking things
than type here my thoughts

 

[Shawdios]

Depression isn’t quirky.
Depression isn’t funny.
Depression isn’t just being sad.

It’s where you spend half the day in bed,
Where you ignore how you haven’t eaten for over twenty hours,
Because getting out of bed is just Too Much.

It’s where you’re stuck,
unable to get yourself to do anything,
Then feel like a lazy piece of shit because of that.


It’s where you shower only when people need to see you,
And where you do it sitting down.

It’s where the only thing making you do things,
Is other people telling you to.
If that.

It’s where you find yourself crying for no damn reason,
Where you want to just fade away
So you don’t have to deal with shit anymore.

It’s where you’re too fucking tired
To even cut yourself
Because clean up and prep would be too much work

It’s laundry all over the floor
And dishes piled in the sink

It’s a disgusting bathroom
And ants trailing to your cats food

It’s bottles filled with mold
And rotting leftovers in the fridge

It’s lights falling from your walls
Hooks popping one by one
Till they drag everything on your shelves down with them
When the last hook fails.

It’s pushing people away
And ignoring their help
So you stay stuck in this hole

Because what else is there?

What else could possibly be out there but this?

 

[Shawdios]

Hunger is interesting.

What exactly is it?
Well yes it’s your stomach sending signals to your brain that it is empty,
But what exactly is the feeling?

It’s something I tend to struggle with
Because my stomach never growls.
It’s always just this dull pain
Whenever I’m hungry

And mind you,
this is when I’ve gone without food for eight or so hours
Where I realize what time it is and grow aware of the feeling in my stomach.

Other times I just ignore it cause,
I’m busy, I don’t want to get up and get food, I’m writing and I’m flowing really well, if I interrupt myself I’ll lose it, I’m drawing I need to just get this done then I’ll go eat something, I don’t want to get up out of bed, nothing is going to be satisfying, I don’t want what we have in the fridge, there’s no snack food for me to easily grab and I don’t want to make anything

Various reasons
But anyway,
back to the problem I’ve caused.
I do this so often lately,
that I don’t know when I’m hungry or full.
Or if something I ate isn’t sitting well with me.

Granted I do know I’m hungry and need food right now
cause I haven’t eaten breakfast and my stomach hurts.
But it’s when it’s in the middle of the day,
or when I eat something with gluten in it
That I get confused.

I’m I still hungry?
Or is my stomach just feelin funky?
I don’t know.

I’ve also probably got issues with food now
Cereal and anything I can eat without too much setup is all I eat.
Except when family members make a dinner or I get forced to make tacos.

I just.
I don’t want to go through the process of eating food.
It’s annoying.
And most of the time its food that doesn’t give me happy drug in brain.

I’ll happily snack on things
But when it comes to meals?
I struggle with making something
Other than cereal or warming up leftovers or eating fruit

I really should go eat breakfast.
But the dishwasher was running
and there’s no spoons outside of it that I can wash.

Making lunches for co-op is a struggle as well
Because I don’t want to eat a sandwich.
Its not enjoyable.
They’re bland and too much work to make.
I’d rather toss a container of strawberries and grapes in there instead.

I had problems at camp too
I would only eat pizza and a icecream float.
I had a float with every damn meal.
Breakfast usually was a float and some sausages with tater tots.
I branched away from pizza near the end of the two weeks because i got paranoid about them.

I don’t know what this is.
i struggle with getting myself to eat meals.
And not just randomly grabbing whatever is appealing
Then avoiding eating if nothing is appealing.
Am I just picky?
Maybe??
I don’t know.
I’ma go make a shake or something since the spoons are all in the dishwasher.

 

[Shawdios]

What is it like?
To have a friend group that you grew up with
To have memories of hanging out In eachother’s backyards
And laughing as you have snowball fights

Fall is coming.
And it reminds me of winter
It reminds me of snow.
How my favorite activity when there is snow
Is to dig a mini igloo
And to stick my head inside

-with the thought that I could be buried and forgotten in the snow ringing through my head-
-longing for the snow to cover me up and let me slip into the forever rest-

While the rest of my body sicks out
in the measly few inches we get each year
If even that

What is it like to see your friends every day?
And to hang out at their house every week?
Or even know what their house looks like?

I’ve only been over to a friends house three times.

First was our neighbor across the street.

Second was a hangout.

And the third was a Halloween party.

All of which I wouldn’t exactly call a friend.

What is it like to watch a movie together as a group?
To giggle and snicker after a parent yells at all of you to go to sleep?
Or to even be able to invite your friends over?

I’ve never had a friend over at my house.

When it was younger, it was because the house was trashed.
Now it’s because I don’t have any approved of friends I’m comfortable with inviting over.

Having a friend in your room is such a foreign concept to me.


What is it like to have friends who laugh and lean on you?
To have an arm comfortably rested on your shoulder?
Or to lay over eachother’s stomachs as you watch the sky?

What is it like to have a group of friends that goes out exploring together?
What is it like to have friends who stay?

I want a fucking childhood.
I want the experiences I never fucking got and always hear about.
I want to have been in a snowball fight.
I want to have gone to the movies with friends.
I want to have had my hair curled and brushed by a friend when I was over at their house.
I want to try on outfits and go shopping with friends.
I want to have been to a sleepover.
I want to have had a fucking birthday party that I have friends to invite to.

I want to have friends.
I want what I never knew when I lost

I want to have hung out and stared at stars over the hood of a car.
I want to have sat on a roof and drank with a crush
I want to have had made out with someone i love
I want those cliche feelings
Why don’t I have them
Why don’t I look at someone and get butterflies
Why don’t I have Love for people?

Why do I wish for bad experiences
Why does everyone understand what nausea is except for me
Why don’t I understand people

I want friends.
I want people around me that aren’t here because they have to be.
But instead because they want to be

I want to know that I’m not some royal fuck up of a human being

I want my childhood.
Where the fuck did it go.
I want back the joy that Halloween brought
I want back the glee that staying up on New Years Eve had.
I want back the excitement of counting down the days till your birthday or Christmas.

I want back my naivety.
I don’t want to know how much rent costs.
I don’t want to know the statistics of rape or being trafficked.
I don’t want to be the person who fears both genders
I don’t want to be the kid in black with headphones on.

I want to be the girl that climbed trees
I want to be the girl that blasted her radio and jumped around to whatever music played
I want to be the girl that could tell herself stories on a complete whim,
Never getting bored and always having a new idea to play out.

Where did she go.
Now I’m so scared of feminity that on the worst days, I hate looking at my chest.
Where I bundle up in thick clothes
To hide my body shape
I feel better being called they.
Because He is associated with the fear
The fear of scaring someone to how I am
The fears that say
He is danger.
He is to be scrutinized of his actions
He is always going to be assumed to be malicious

Where did the girl who had no fear go?
What happened to her?


I know where that girl went.
The girl who always played the Prince role
The girl who hated pink
The girl who hated being dressed up for church in itchy dresses

She grew up.
She was taught to fear everyone and her surroundings
Because she was shown how shitty the world was way too young.

And now they wish they were her again.
They wish they were that girl who was too naive to know her curiosity was going to be what ruined her.
Too curious for her own damn good.

Too weird
Too strange
Too different
Too smart
Too loud
Too fidgety
Too ditzy


That girl was burned too many times.
That girl tried so hard
Only to have her efforts thrown away
She saw friends come and go.
She had friends disappear and move on when she lost digital contact despite still seeing them once a week.

She got tired

Everyone got tired.
Of her.

So she kept quiet.
And they bit their tongue when their mother was around.
They started writing down the fucked up ideas.
They researched their morbid curiosities.
They put on headphones when their radio died.
They kept music in one ear, and the other on their floor when the arguing grew constant.
Knowledge was power.
Blackmailing their siblings to keep eachother’s secrets.
All three knowing that if either of the other two were caught,
The sibling would do whatever they could to divert the shouting off of themselves.

That tween grew up even further.
They learned that energy was the hardest thing to retain.
They learned that keeping their head down and doing what they were told
Was the least upsetting way to get by
They learned to conceal their true opinions
To always Verbally agree with their mother so she would be not upset with them

They learned that turning eighteen didn’t cure all of your problems.
They learned that Eighteen didn’t mean a way out to the greener grass.
They learned what the layers of the skin were.

They gained wings for two weeks.
And tasted pure joy for the first time in years.
They soared.

And those wings were torn to bloody and mauled shreds
At the end of those two weeks.
Falling and nearly becoming a red smear on pavement.
Shattering their heels as they tried to land feet first.

They’re limping and stumbling their way around.

Barely finding the energy to stand up and move
Barely able to find joy in most things.
Barely keeping their shit together.



Why couldn’t I have a childhood.
Why was I isolated.
Mother?
Tell me why you had us grow up this way
Why?
Tell me fucking why.
You always asked me why I snuck around and stole unused devices.
Now I’m asking you why you raised me isolated.
Isolated to the point where I clung to devices for my friends

Was it fucking worth it?
Was it worth those four years of screaming?
Was it worth getting a mellowed and drained child from it?
Was it worth your child’s emotional stability?
Why couldn’t you be like dad
I’d rather have to take care of myself
Than have to claw at whatever I can for privacy and friends
So that I don’t off myself from the loneliness

Why mother?
Why couldn’t you trust me when I said I knew how to be safe online
Why did you have to be religious
Why did you have to be a helicopter parent

You joke about how we used to be.
How I threw books at you
How you “certainly know I would put up a fight” if I was in a bad situation

That’s not a joke for me.
I nearly pushed you down the stairs
And you shouted at my sister for fucking stopping me.
You fucking wished I did it.
Who fucking says that to be overheard
What the fuck.

Your yelling grew so routine that I knew just to nod and keep quiet
Because arguing only prolonged things.

I pulled at my hair for comfort.
I tried to look insane
Hoping you’d send me away somewhere if I did
Just so I could be away from you

I tried to fucking stab myself
I can’t look at knifes without the thought of cutting or wanting to stab my stomach

I fucking hate you
You fucked me up
Why couldn’t you be like every other fucking parent
Why do you have to come up with a conspiracy for everything
Paranoid fucking bitch
You ruined me
You taught me to fear everyone
To always assume the worst
To think that everyone just puts up with me

And you wonder why I can barely get myself to do things or want to eat?
Fucking
Fuck you
When I turned sixteen, I looked back on my childhood and saw barely anything.
All my happy years were from before I was 10
You fucking made me watch a sex traficking documentary
When hadn’t had my period yet

I tried to run away
And when I came back
You didn’t even notice I tried to

There’s cameras all over the house now
And I’ve gotten so used to it that I forget other people’s houses don’t have them

Sometimes I want to just slice up my shoulders and stroll around in a tank top
Or leap out my window
So that you fucking realize what your shit parenting did
I want to hack off all my hair
so I can force you to give me the haircut I want
I want to hurt you like I have been
I fucking wish I had pushed you down those fucking stairs
Maybe then you could realize how you ruined me
Maybe then you would fucking learn

I fucking wish that when you asked if I was being SAed one Halloween night
That I had something to say yes for
Because then
I could get help
Then I could get therapy

Then I couldn’t blame you
For how ruined I am
I could have you not be the villain
Because I just fucking want to be normal
I want you to be a mom to me
Not a Mother
But you fucking ruined me
So you’re not a mom
You’re a Mother

What is it fucking like
To have a happy family

 

[Shawdios]

As a creative,
I want to say something.
To all of my roleplay partners.

Thank you.
Thank you for helping me grow as a writer
Thank you for getting me to write

Having someone to write WITH
Is a really good motivator
Since you’re forced to respond and keep up
You can’t push it off
Well
You can.
But not for long.
Then you have to sit down and write
SOMETHING
and once I’m actually sat down
I write

I’ve been focusing a lot on my own creative projects lately
But having people I need to keep up with
Helps me come up with new ideas and
Actually THINK

Because, shout out to my current RP partner
For helping me flesh out and think about the culture of Porcilavians over the course of the past nine months.
You know who you are
I’m aware you read these
Thank you

I seriously doubt I would have thought about some of the details you asked questions about

What kind of food culture they would have?
Their building architecture?
Folklore??
Magic types???

Seriously,
Thank you.

That magic type thing helped me out SO MUCH in solo projects,
I’ll send some bits if you want,
along with a drawing featuring some architecture

I’ll keep you un mentioned since this is a vent thread, just tell me otherwise if you’d like a direct mention.

Anyways.
Thank you to every RP partner I’ve had
Even the ones I didn’t use my Fluremere worldbuilding for.
You help me grow as a writer.

I’ve written nearly 100k words over the years from Roleplaying alone.

Thank. You.
I hope to write so so much more in this community and help others improve just as I am improved by them

 

[Shawdios]

I get it
I get that im the fuck up of the family

But hearing your little sister get yelled at
And hearing your mother make these statements
“Why were you listening to her shit?”
“Are you really going to sneak around and be like (my name)?”
“Do you want to be treated like she was?”

It fucking hits different.
It doesn't help that i just finished up a gorey piece
Or that i'm starting to get back into screamo and heavy rock music

Fun fact!
My lil sister tis gay!
Found that out a couple months ago back at the beginning of july
And i wanna just say
THAT I FUCKING CALLED IT
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Me and my older sister joked about the lil one being a les
Because she walked in way too many times
After conveniently forgetting we were changing

Not so much a joke anymore is it?

If mother ever finds out about lil sister’s non-straightness
I’m going to be in so much hot water
Isn't that funny in how it works?
I'm going to be blamed for her “corruption”

Excuse me as I go take out my rage on Big some more.

 

[Shawdios]

I fixate on people.

I’ve noticed that tidbit recently
When I meet someone who I find interesting
Or share common interests with
I feel like shit when I’m not paid attention by them
And I view those who take that attention with hate

It’s not an extremely intense thing?
And it’s not in a romantic way either.
Or lasts particularly long.

But fucking
I WAS IN CONVERSATION WITH THEM FIRST BACK THE FUCK OFF

I seethe.
I’m possessive.
But I rein it in.

Because I get that people have other friends
And that I’m a hypocrite for wanting people i fixate on to focus on me,
when I lose all care for conversation with anyone else when I fixate.

I realized why I feel so uncomfortable
At the idea of showing the rest of the writing involving Ritz
Because.
He’s possessive.
And it’s an extreme version
Of how I can start to think.

I worry constantly about whether I'm manipulative or not.
Because i'm aware of the urge to just make someone spiral into panic

Oh what? Have we left yet to pick you up?
Nah we’re still at home, was mother supposed to?
Oh nah she’s still here, what do you mean?

Its something i KNOW I picked up from my mother
She does the exact same thing

Of denying and gaslighting then laughing about it
Because the scrambling is fun to watch.

And so
it’s fucking fun writing Big getting tossed the fuck around
Or tricked and threatened
Making him break down
By the dragonborn’s hand

Some of the bits are fucking rough
I genuinely wouldnt know if they’d break the explicit gore rule
Reading back is uncomfortable sometimes
Because, I wrote that

The doc reached 15k words the other day.
I’d say half of that is actual interactions with Ritz
while the rest are the beforehand or aftermath

The aftermath with Big stumbling
Or needing to be helped up
Or him stunned to the point of muteness

Dealing with sexual rumors that are humiliating to hear (it's never sexual)
Crushing a fan’s dreams so they don't go through what he is
Him breaking down and trashing his entire flat
Having to recount events to a detective after nearly bleeding out
Repercussion of a concussion only leading to more mistakes

The list goes on

Meanwhile REVO Big (who i call Flame in it)
Is the metaphorical foil to all of this
Its his happy ending
He never goes to Ritz
and because he stays,
The cult gets overthrown
So he’s still around his brothers
He’s satisfied with playing music with James, Bezel and Star.
And doesn't crave the validation of fame anymore.
He ends up confident and aware of how low he tends to view himself
And has a support system to help when its bad
James turns into more than a friend after the revolution is over

(And i've actually written out a fluffy bit
With the two of them on a date
LE GASP
SO SHOCKING AND OUT OF CHARACTER OF ME)

While Big?
He’s stuck away from his family
Under a cruel and manipulative boss
With every perceived mistake amplified
And punished for
His brothers are lorded over him
With a threat to hurt them if he leaves
(which he doesn't know is a half bluff)
Isolated due to rumors
And every potential friend kept distant
out of fear of them finding out about how bad Ritz is
And Ritz getting rid of them to save face
The only support to him being Jeff the doorman
When he’s having a bad day and makes a loud enough ruckus
But never admits any of his issues to–



–Well shit.
I projected a little bit there.
But since when is that anything new?
Don't people say that a piece of writing is the most powerful
when there are pieces of the author in it?

But i do worry
And Ritz scares me sometimes
With how i can get on my rare few manic days with urges
being acted on in fiction

 

[Shawdios]

Not really a rant
But

Apparently I’ve got gray hairs?
Like, pure ass White.


Mind you, I’m a junior in high school.
There’s not a lot of them,
I’ve counted three distinct ones

And they’re all kinda in the same spot
Shits wildin’

I really need to take a shower
But right now we’re cleaning the house
for company that’s coming tomorrow

Anyway back to the hair
It’s probably just genetics
My dad grayed noticeably by 30
(he's fully gray now except for a bit of his beard, and he isn't even 50 yet)
Or it’s also stress
Ain’t that fucking hilarious

Honestly Im actually kinda excited
Because I don’t have to bleach my hair for a bright color
If the hair is already white

Me out here excited for going gray
While the rest of society is desperately trying to prevent it

Heh heh >:}

 

[Shawdios]

You ever just
Don’t know what the fuck is wrong?
Like
There’s something
OFF
About how you feel
Throughout a whole day?

.

I don’t know
Maybe?
Sometimes I do.
Why do you ask?

.

No real reason.
Just wonderin.

.

You sure?
Y’know I’m here
Whenever you want to talk?

.

Yeah.
I’m fine though.


Seriously, I am.
I’m not, I’m not
It’s nothing.
It’s everything
Just drop it.
Don’t leave me alone
God can’t you shut up?
No please keep talking
I said I don’t wanna talk about it
I do I really do, I just don’t know what’s wrong
FUCKING PISS OFF I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT—
I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG AND I HATE IT PLEASE DONT GO IM SORRY I DONT MEAN TO BE LIKE THIS I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY ANYTHING RIGHT IM SORRY PLEASE COME BACK I DIDN’T MEAN TO BE SO MEAN I JUST DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG AND—


.

Sorry, I had to go do laundry.
You sure you’re okay?

.

Yeah.
Just feelin off, idk y.

PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK
.

Oh ok.
Hugs.
Y’know I’m glad ur here right?
I’m glad ur my friend
.

Thanks
Me too.

 

[Shawdios]

So,
Apologies for that *gestures to previous post*
Being likely very confusing

It’s just how emotions decided to portray themselves
And they are confusing to me
So they’re gonna be confusing when portrayed

Make of the words as you will.
I’m just.
Feelin off

And I’m not sure why.

.
.
.

I’ve been tired.
And I don’t want to eat anything that takes effort to make.
Everything feels bland
And blah

Writing, Drawing, talking, listening to music, reading, etc

So it’s probably a depressive mood.
A really heavy one.
I’m not all that excited for the shinedown concert thats coming up
And I’m not all that excited to finally be back at volunteering
Despite how much I love holding snakes

I wanna just curl up and sleep.
I don’t want to have to eat or go to the bathroom.
I don’t want to have to fuel this fleshbag I inhabit.
This fleshbag hates me
Making me feel like this.
Such an asshole.

I need to take a shower
And I need to change a doorknob for my mother

Redlines take too much work
Even in the shower
I don’t get how other Shers who are depressed do it

Even if I wanted to kill myself (I don’t)
I don’t have the energy

How the hell do they find the energy
To plan that shit out
Or to set things up

God I’m tired.
I don’t want to get out of bed
But I need to
Fuckin bullshit
Maybe I’ll wait until nine
Would three hours be enough time to air dry my hair?
Probably?
Idfk

I really should go take a shower right now.
I really really should
But I’m tired
Even if I just woke up

I hate my brain for being the way it is
Can’t ever finish a project
Needs constant validation
Or else I’m like this
Spirals at one perceived negative
Motivation, who’s that
Can’t get myself to even feed my protein bubble properly
Or hydrate it
Fucking piece of shit up there
Can’t do anything right for me
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate ihate ithaietiehateihateihateihateihareihtheuajalwlwlcldkekwnfkgohoboholeoowodlslwlqxkxmxmcnkdjdjejekwkslwlwiifofofpcofcofoffiroroeoeoeoeowpqpqppqqpqpqps

...I’m just tired of everything making me more tired

 

[Shawdios]

The house is so quiet

My dad works night shift,
So he’s asleep right now
But my mother and two siblings are all out of the house.

I’m the only awake person in this house right now.
It’s.
Making me feel something
I don’t know what
But it’s not a good one

I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this today
I’m the only one awake.
It feels so empty
All the lights are off
And I’m too tired to turn them on and off whenever I’m in a room
The sun from behind the blinds is enough to see with
But it feels empty.
I’m so used to there being something

Be it yelling from two people arguing
The sounds of the tv
My dad playing his game on the computer
My siblings walking around
My older sister playing music from her room
It’s eerie

I truely understand that empty feeling
Of those scenes where a character opens their appartment door
Sees the dark, and sighs.

My cat just hopped into my lap.
God I wanna just fucking bawl
I dont know why I’m so fucking off lately

 

[Shawdios]

I project.
A lot.

And I’m realizing that I’m not good at diversifying character personalities.

Autumn?
*Slap* Selfhate and selfdestructive pride
Flame?
*Slap* Selfhate and chronic anxiety
Sam?
*Slap* Selfhate and Anger issues
Holly?
*Slap* Selfhate and social obliviousness
Spice?
*Slap* Selfhate and apathy

It’s.
Becoming a glaring problem.
That I don’t know how to write someone without selfhatred.

Obviously these characters have more to them than just the two things listed.
like with Sam,
His self hatred leads to self-sabotage and isnt something glaringly obvious.

Like Autumn‘s is.

I’m generally having a hard time keeping everyone from bleeding into each other.

Autumn (REVO, but aka Fall) is Prideful.
But, he was taught
That he was a Misspawn
and a failure of a potential life
Since the day he came to exist

You internalize that over time.
But Autumn tries his damnedest to prove everyone wrong
That he can be as good as everyone else.

because admitting he can't do something
means that whatever he can't do,
is something he's failed at
and if he's failed at something
that means what people say is true
that he is a failure of a life and shouldn't be here

Any mistake can send him into a spiral of
“They were right they were right, oh light I’m no better than those who ___ I’m the worst person ever, I don’t deserve to be here,” etc.

Even so,
He hates his body for being the way it is
He hates his weak will towards certain addictive habits
and he hates admitting he bad at something



Meanwhile Flame (REVO, but aka Big)
Has two sources.
One from when he was barely older than a newspawn and not yet living with Autumn.
Where he lived in a place that led to him constantly called dumb or slow if he struggled at something.

Then the ongoing views of the Cult that do get to him.
No matter he claims.
It doesn’t present itself obviously.
But he is overly Reckless with his life.
And he is self sacrificing.
Everyone else matters so much more
Than the demonic one that’s just a dirty stain that taints others.
If it was him or anyone else,
He isn’t the one making it out.

He’s aware that he’s constantly getting caught.
Or isn’t thinking far ahead when he makes choices.
He brushes of the scoldings that originate from worry
And projects this confidence that is certainly fake
But deep down
He doesn’t view himself as important or worth it.


Over to the side, Sam is the angry one. (OG timeline)
In
The one who pushes the hate outwards onto everyone
the one who blames everyone else for why things are bad
the one who finds flaws in those who are close to him so he can justify pushing them away

He hates himself for not having the guts like his brothers do to stand up against the Cult
He hates how he reflexively keeps quiet
And bites his tongue.

If he’s not the perfect child
He clearly is a blemish
He hates how he is the one used as an emotional weapon

Eventually he hates himself for not being enough to keep Big around.

He tries to find Big but never does

then he pushes his hate out onto everyone else.
Big’s just an asshole who abandoned him
Rise never cared.
Autumn just wanted to feel like a good person by taking care of him
Hark never actually loved him
Who could anyway?
He was a blemished soul.

If he keeps people around
They’ll just get hurt
So he needs to keep them at a distance
and he ruins any relationship he has if they force themselves close


Then there's Holly (REVO)

She is someone who hates herself
Because of the shit she’s done

She hurt so many people by believing in the Cult
She hurt Flame to the point where his brothers all either treated her coldly, or outright avoided her
and yet she dares have feelings for him?
how much of an asshole do you have to be?

her selfhatred fuels her attempts to be better
to make up for how much she ruined
technically, she was a victim as well
from being picked up young and manipulated
but that doesn't write off
her reports of Flame and other's
that caused them to be put into a place that is arguably torture
or even damned them to death


lastly, Spice (OG timeline)

Spice is an interesting case.
he doesn't necessarily hate himself in the way of
"oh im such a horrible person, I suck, I shouldn't be here, ive done such horrible things"

He is one of the very few Half-Porcilavians in existence.
(not gonna get into the how of that, there is a written down how, but its uncomfortably weird to explain)
and he hates that half of himself.

he hates his porcilavian ancestry
he hates the small useless wings on his back
he hates his lack of feline ears
and wishes he was fully Felineborn

Why?

It causes many issues health wise and complicates his diet
it caused him to grow up as an "accident" and not be wanted by his birth mother
It caused him to be bullied and pushed around before Sugar came around.
Because Porcilavians are infamous for the stereotype of being xenophobic and stuck up when interacting with other races

which doesn't help when you live in the most diverse city in the world.

oh where was I going with this.
eh whatever
just procrastinating homework right now

 

[Shawdios]

So I relapsed this morning.
Pretty badly too.

.
.
.

I wish I had my brushes on me
I wanna see paint
I wanna fill this canvas
Full of these lines and curves
These beautiful lines and curves

I wanna make artful stripes
Filled with my hurt
Born of pain and sick pleasure

I want to dip brushes into my paint
That mesmerizing red paint
And color everything in it’s pretty color

That sting of the strokes
As they dry and grow pink

It’s an art
An art of sickness
But an art nonetheless

 

[Shawdios]

I wanna be mad with myself.
I want to
But I’m just scheming for my next chance
It all I can fucking think about right now.
I need to just-
Throw the brushes away.

So I can’t access them

But that temptation is so strong

I don’t know what’s triggered such a craving for it
Usually I can just procrastinate it
And keep clean that way
But it’s like it’s taken over my head

I’m dying to get home now
And take another shower
So I can paint

It’s
It’s as bad as those first few months
Where I took my brushes to co-op
And painted between classes

That rush of hiding and risking being caught
Alongside the pleasure of seeing blood spill?
It was addicting.
Over the summer it died down
But now it’s back

I wanna hide in the bathroom
and carve up my shoulders and chest
Between classes

The temptation to move downwards on my arms
Since winter is coming
Is strong as well

Maybe it’s from finding out my friend is becoming friends with Toxic
I hate her
Yet miss her so much
I want to tear her apart
Cut her to bloody pieces
Yet also lay in the grass
And have her lean on me
Or talk to her for hours

I don’t know if she was someone I ended up genuinely in love with
But I fucking hate her
And crave being around her
I want it back
But I know it’s bad
I know she was the main factor that ruined me
But I want that high I felt when I was talking to her
I fucking want that back

But I’m also terrified of her.
I’m terrified of running into her
I’m terrified of falling back into talking to her.

I hate her
I love her
I’m scared of her
I don’t know why it’s changing so fast

I fucking wish I never met her
I wish she came to volunteering
So I could see her again
But I’m terrified of seeing her again
It’s so many things
I don’t know

I want my brushes
I want Toxic back
I want to be bloody and ruined for her
So she can see how bad things were

I want to cover this canvas in paintings
And walk around in a two piece
I want to scream and shout
Screech and cry

I don’t want to die though
At least I don’t think so
I just want to be so visibly broken
That no one can look away
I want to be that flaming car on a highway
That halts all trafic
Screaming LOOK AT ME
And getting it.

Thoughts and prayers
Thoughts and prayers
Thoughts and fucking prayers

I want to hurt everyone around me
So that I can deserve how shit I feel
I want to go up in a bout of flames
A tragic story with a tragic end

Fucking christ

I’m never gonna amount to anything
I can’t see myself as a grown up
I just cant
I don’t expect to be an adult
i know I’m gonna somehow die young
Not by my own hand
I don’t have the guts for that
But somehow

I’ve nearly died several times from cars alone
I’m apparently allergic to apples now
I could suffocate from just relaxing in a pool
I just don’t want to go through shit anymore

“What does your life look like to you in five years?”

Bitch I just hope I’m alive in five years.
I see myself as potentially dead
or living in a shitty apartment as a whore or some shit
That’s what I fucking see.
I see myself covered in marks
And stumbling through life

There’s a fucking reason Fall is someone I avoid writing.
Because that stumbling addiction riddled mess is me
It’s me as an adult

 

[Shawdios]

my lights fell down.
I’m

I don’t

I’m crying now
And laughing

Because of course they finally fell
I fell didnt I?


And I’m still not gonna fucking fix the lights
Because it’s too much fucking effort
I wanna tear them from my room’s fucking walls
I wanna tear them to shreds
I wanna

I know why them falling down bothers me so much
Because
It’s a symbol for my mental health
They’ve been slowly popping each hook
And now they finally popped the last one on the left side of the room
On the day I fucking relapsed
And am breaking down on

It’s always on the days
where there’s something I’ve been looking forward to
for months

Always.

I don’t know what to fucking do

I just feel like shit
And it’s too much
Right now

 

[Shawdios]

(Typed out in my notes app last night)

I really needed that concert.
That.
I had an absolute blast
First band was eh
Second band brought me to tears (twice) from the themes of songs
And the message they played in the middle of their set
Third band rocked my shit from having fun

I’m tired now
But not in a negative way
I’m on the verge of sleep from head banging and screaming out lyrics
Along with calves that ache

I fixed my lights,
Somewhat.
It’s not completely fixed
But it is better and not in the way to be tripped over
The things it knocked down
I have yet to fix though.


I’m probably gonna feel like shit tomorrow though.

.
.
.
Whatever.
I’ll sleep anyway

 

[Shawdios]

(Typed out in notes app two days ago)



I don’t like group chats




Why?
I hear you not ask

Well because I hate how fast they move
It’s overwhelming
And I don’t know a lot of the people in one
At least any deeper than a surface level

I’m also realizing that I’m in a lower bracket than typical people I know when it comes to money

Because a lot of the girls at church my age drive
Some even have their own cars

And dropping 25$ for ninety minutes at a trampoline park
Doesn’t phase anyone in this new group chat that much

I’m sorry what?
No!
Fuck no!
I’m not droppin 25$
For just an hour and a half of fun
Fuck no.
I can go roller skating for three hours five whole times with that money

And I know that if I want to go hang out with friends from volunteering
It’s not going to be paid for by my mother as a family thing
It’s coming out of MY pocket.
And fuck no
I’m not gonna pay 25$ for something
Where I’m not going to have a physical item in exchange

I feel so broke when people talk about hang outs and vacations
Because best friend just went to the beach.
In Florida.
In rented place next to the beach.
And they offered me coming along when I’m old enough to not have my mother breathing down my back.

Same friend who got me thirty dollar plush for birthday.

This beach trip is an annual thing.

I just-
Its wild to me?
It blows my mind.

The last vacation I went on?
Two years ago.
And we went on a five hour drive to a nearby beach and camped.

We shop at thrift stores.
I was taught from a young age how to get the best deal from food
By calculating ounces and price tag
Vacations were rare
Every two or three years at least
I never had a birthday party at a venue
And neither did my siblings

Taught not to waste the jelly or peanut butter on the sides of the jars
By taking a spatula and scraping

New phones?
Hell nah.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
I’ve got an iPhone 6 and it’s still kicking
My dad’s got a 6S
Only reason my mother has a twelve is because of Grandmother getting new phone.
I’d be stuck with a 5 if that hadn’t happened.

Our grandmother pays for us to go to summer camp
Not us.

Money
Money
Money

That isn’t usually on my friend’s minds.
But it is for me
Milk is this much
And we go through this much a week

Groceries cost this much this week
Gas prices went up again
And one tank is 15 gallons
So that this much per fillup
And she fills up every week or two

How much does dad make?
Well if his friend makes this much in one week of work
and dad said the friend makes three times more than him

Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

It is a constant for me.

I’m not poor though.
That I do know and won’t claim.
I have food
I have water
I have comfortable living space

I asked my mother one day where she’d say we land,
And I got Lower-middle class as an answer.
Which makes sense.

But.
Homeschooling is expensive.
Co-ops specifically.
I know how much is spent per year for just one of us.
You could buy a brand new car outright with the money over the years.

I’m purposefully not dropping any numbers.
Because one,
They make me uncomfortable
Just seeing them
and two,
it’s highly personal
And I’m not that dumb.

I’m highly parinoid about money
Yet also number blind.
I dropped 100$ on the two volumes of lackadaisy’s hardcover comics and one concept art book
I also spent 130$ on vinyls
That I can’t even play.

I WANTED
To spend 200$ on the four lackadaisy plushies.
But my mother refused to let me spend my money on them

Money just
Is weird for me.
And it’s weird to see people treat going on yearly vacations,
being able to drive at sixteen
Having a newer phone,
As normal.

It’s just not how I grew up.
I grew up being taught how to get the most out of money
And to always pick the cheapest (but healthy) option.

I’m that person who goes
“No wait you don’t have to spend that much on me!!”
“ITS HOW MUCH?!?”
“Five dollars?? Why don’t we go to the gas station for ice cream instead?”

I hate going to restaurants.
I hate eating out.
I hate going to places with high prices.

Call me a cheep bastard
But I’ll keep my ease of mind by picking the 5 dollar three hours of fun
Over the 25 dollar ninety minutes

 

[Shawdios]

Ugh.
Romance.
Romance, romance, romance.
Why is that all most people want in an RP?

I was scrolling through the 1x1 interest check
And I avoid all fandom tagged checks
Because A, I usually don’t know the fandom
And B, it’s usually Romance.
And any damn time I find someone not looking for romance
I’m barred by a Age limit.

Just can’t fucking win.
This is why I stuck to waiting for people to come to me.
Because then I don’t get my hopes up when I click on a thread
And I read to the bottom thinking
“wow! This person seems fun, they’ve got some cool plot ideas!”
Then be slapped with
“Please be 18+!”

OR!

I get my hopes up with the rules not saying anything about age
And then all the plots are ship plots.
Or they want to double


I’m aware I’m picky.
But damnit.
It’s fucking frustrating.

Group RPs are a fickle thing for me.
Once in a blue moon do I find one interesting.
Then they either die within two posts,
Or never even get off the fucking ground.
OR. IM BARRED BY DISCORD BEING REQUIRED.
OR. AN AGE REQUIREMENT.
ARGHHHHHH
FUCKING FUCINK

I just stick to 1x1.
It’s easier.
Every time I poke my head out, I’m burned.

Regardless.
I do have a new RP in the discussion stage, hopefully it goes well.
And if it doesn’t?
Too bad, at least I’ve got my nearly a year long one.

Two months and it’s Anniversary time of the RP partner reaching out to me baybeeeeeeeeee
Never had a RP last that long here

I do wanna try sci-fi!
I love sci-fi and reading sci-fi
But when it comes to sci-fi RPs?
I’m insanely picky.
Which isn’t helped by the sheer lack of them
I love playing a homebrew race
maybe I’ll even break out my Magolor themed character
I’d love to mess around with the concepts he had
But without the responsibility of playing a cannon character

The ideas (headcannons) about his race (Halacondrian or some shit)
That I had back in the day.
Along with the idea of a sentient dimension hopping ship. (Aka: Lor Starcutter)

Maybe I could create a group Rp, that allowed character from any world to join
With the premise of a Dimension hopping ship now taking on passengers as a inter dimensional taxi
Murder Mystery ensues???
Maybe it crashes???
And they all have to survive together???

Oooo.
Murder on the Lor
A murder mystery RP

After booking a Ticket on the Starship Lor for a once in a lifetime trip to another dimension, a few days after boarding and settling in for the two week long trip, the dead body of the Lor’s captain is discovered.

The ship is in anguish and refuses to land until the murderer is found. Who did it? Who had the ability to black out the Lor long enough to kill the captain? Why would someone even kill him?

>:]
I have a plot twist in mind, but I would want it to be a surprise for the RPers that show interest.

 

[Shawdios]

So I find the fact that
I never need to brush my hair
Really fucking funny

It’s not short either,
Er
It’s short for someone female (in the Bible Belt anyway)
But long for someone male

Anyway!
The reason why I never need to
Is because my most common stim
Is to comb through my hair with my fingers
And to scrape the edges of my hairline with my nail

My hairbrush is only ever used when I get out of the shower
Because the moisture makes my hair cling to my fingers
And stick it to them too

It’s probably why my hair is really oily
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Maybe or maybe not

 

[Shawdios]

I watched a video on Ace representation in media
so im a ace rant again



I get so pissed off by people sexualizing Transformers.
They are a non biological race of aliens
where reproduction consists of nothing involving sex
how in the ever-loving fuck,
do you gather a sexual relationship from that?

I get people want to see repression in the media they love
and that most people are alleo
but fuck
dont erase the few reps of asexuals that exist
(im pointedly not saying Aromantic)
even if its arguably counterproductive rep since they are aliens

giving them the mechanical version of dicks and vaginas
and having them lust after each other
just-
its not something that works with their cannon

yea yea I hear you
ITS JUST FANWORKS PEOPLE CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT
THERES THIS THING CALLED AUS YK

and im not saying the work is horrible because they gave them a sexual based reproductive system
there are highly well written works out there in the TF fandom with that

but the god tier fics in my opinion?
are the ones that embrace their alienness
the ones that get creative

"War Without End" a fic I adore, explores other options.
I certainly wouldn't call things asexual
But at least they are creative, and instead of sex being done with "spikes" and "valves"
the brief "sex" scene is them just being close and toying with wires
and repopulation through spark splitting is explored by the characters.
its a nice Fic series where sex isn't a focus
but looming extinction is a plot point


then there's the Xenoethnography Fic series
oh god this series
I love it so much
it focuses on the alienness of them
and very very tastefully handles that fact
(as shown by the series title being what it is, Xeno meaning Alien and Ethnography being the scientific description of human customs and culture)
while also being a pleasant mesh of all the various Transformer continuities
its also a good work for those who may not be familiar with Transformers!

those are the only two I can recall as works I adore that breach the topic of Sex and reproduction, but dont go the Spike and Valve route
there are a good amount of works that keep them asexual as they should be, but its not a focus either

Again.
talking about Asexuality
NOT Aromanticism
Because they can have romantic relationships even as aliens who dont experience sexual things

the common term in the TF fandom for anything sexual, is interfacing
for some fans, its basically two characters having sex with mechanical reproductive parts
for others, its two characters playing with eachother's sparks (Their soul, for those reading that may not be familiar) and wires, with it basically resulting in a sexual pleasure for the characters
and sometimes its just a intimate sharing of files and highly intimate act of trust by letting firewalls down and allowing the partner(s) in their code

the last is my personal favorite if im reading a ship fic,
because its not sexual in a biological form.

its hard to explain without hunting down the fics
that I dont remember the names of
but as someone who is Aro Acespec,
I adore the creative side of the TF fandom
who dont just project humanity onto this alien race
and actually explore how they are alien

and yes, maybe the Ace rep I receive through those fans
is a main contributing factor of my adoration
so sue me if I identify as ace and prefer to relate to aliens
I dont exactly like my protein bubble sac brethren

 

[Shawdios]

I ended up spiraling in the previous rant
but I wanted to talk about being aromantic
And just the sheer lack of awareness or care for those who are it

I dont desire being in a romantic relationship
Nor do I desire romantic acts towards me
no one has ever sparked my interest in a “I want to spend my life with this person, kissing and getting married to them” way
Yes there’s been “Oh my god this person looks so damn cool and interesting, I wanna talk to them so bad,”

But it’s always me really wanting to be friends

Never, “I really wanna go on a date with them and hold their hand, they look so cool,”

Yes I am lonely.
But that’s because I have no friends

I do not see myself being in a relationship
And I don’t understand the feelings my sister tried to explain when she was in one

I personally would only ever be in a relationship for sex

“But you’re Ace?”

Ace-spec.

Cupiosexual to be specific
Meaning I desire a sexual relationship
But I’m not sexually attracted to anyone

The best I can describe it is that actions are what I care about, not appearance.
Along with not caring about what junk is down there, pleasure is pleasure.
Who it’s done with doesn’t matter to me

I don’t like using the Ace label
Mostly because I feel like I’m doing it dirty by wanting the act of sex

Hell maybe I’m not even Ace and my brain just can’t label sexual attraction

In that case I’m either a lesbian or Pan

I might be a aro pan. Or I’m just hypersexual from being exposed to explicit stuff at a young age

Idfk anymore.
My brain decides to toss mental images at me of every person I know whenever the topics get dirty
And it’s fucking horrifying sometimes

Like right now
Every damn time
And
What the fuck
Just what the fuck brain?

Stop it brain
Stop it brain
Thats illegal
That’s disgusting
Use my characters, not them
What the fuck
Stop
Get yourself out of the gutter

I hate this
I hate my brain for doing shit like this
I hate it

 

[Shawdios]

Of course she’s here.
Of fucking course.

.
.
.

So I went roller skating
Like I do every third Friday of the month
That sounds highly specific of time frame I know
It’s just how my schedule has lined up
Anyway.
Toxic shows up.

At first I didn’t notice
Because I skate with my glasses off in case I fall
“But how can you see???”
I don’t need details to know there’s someone in front of me
that I need to go around
It’s not like my vision goes pitch black with them off

I’m avoiding the original topic, I know

I noticed her when I sat down to take a break
I put my glasses on to see details of people around me
And whaddaya know?
The bitch is two tables down from us

That moment
It
My heart fucking dropped
My mood plummeted
And all I wanted throughout that whole two hours
Was for her to say SOMETHING to me
I know she noticed me there
The not so discreet looks told me that
We made eye contact several times

I just wish I knew what she said to the friend she was with
Was she talking shit about me?
When she was the one who was the destructive one?
I’ll admit I probably wasn’t the best either
But she dragged me down with her being popular bullshit
“Oh well, sorry they’re gonna think you’re weird and then that im weird”
My reply at the time?
“Pfft im used to that shit, I embrace my weirdness, but alright, fine”

When if you were to look inside my brain
I am terrified of people thinking I’m weird
Terrified of friends thinking im weird and leaving me out of things
But it does have a semblance of truth in it
I am used to being the weird kid
Im used to being the one left out
Im used to being dropped like a bag of shit

But it fucking hurts
And it’s why I clung
Even when I saw the red flags
Because I wanted to be cared about
Sure
Maybe there was guilt tripping when I didn’t pick up the phone
But at least someone wanted me to pick up the fucking phone
Someone wanted my company
That’s all that I cared about
I felt fucking special
And it just

It ruined me
Maybe it wasn’t her
Maybe it was the circumstance
Maybe it was me
But fuck
Im hurt
And still hurting
Because of it

 

[Shawdios]

I’m procrastinating homework

I need to write a short story
about me waking up suddenly twenty years in the future

Two issues
One
I have no fucking clue what the future would be like
Nor can I picture one with a view on it that a Christian would approve of
And two
I hate writing first person
ESPECIALLY FROM MY OWN PERSPECTIVE

it feels so cringe
And fake
I don’t like myself
I’m aware of that now
I really don’t like myself
Yet am self centered at the same time
Im so full of hot air when confronted about this
What? Oh I’m different?
Pfft yeah I fucking know that
Yeah I’m weird
I like being around fellow weird people

I wish I had a reason for all this self hate
An obvious reason I mean
You may think that things don’t get to you
That you can just brush comments off
“Yeah I’m the fuck up, so what?”
Or deflect them with an “ik”
But they stick.
Oh boy do they stick and you don’t even know it
Subconsciously you change
And you don’t realize till you’re barely able to look in the mirror

I wanna say fuck it and just curl up and die
But ik I won’t

Im tempted to take the 0 on the assignment
But I know I’ll pound it out tomorrow
By some fucking miracle

Ik why this assignment is bothering me so much

Because I can’t picture the future as something
Something able to be lived in
Or happy

I don’t see myself growing old
I’m a passive suicidal
I won’t ever do it myself
But if I died in an accident tomorrow
I wouldn’t fucking mind

But I would
I wanna do art
I wanna write
I wanna be happy

But life sucks
My family sucks
I got a new phone
And I hate it for destroying my ability to be on rpnation with out being tracked

So uh yeah
If you see me disappear from the forums
I probably got caught
And either had my device privileges taking from me
Or the account was locked and deleted (or whatever on here)

I hate life
I hate it
But I love art
And writing
I hate me
The only time I feel good about myself
is when I’m dressed in a classy button up and classy vest or suit piece with my paper top hat
I wanna chop off all my hair
I wanna slash my chest to oblivion
I dont want to fear being alone at night

I hate you mother
I fucking despise you
I wanna be able to be on Rpnation without fearing you
I wanna talk to my best friend without having to lie about who they are
Fuck you dad too while I’m at it
You may be agnostic as far as I know
But you still wouldn’t approve
Fuck my country
Fuck God if it’s real
Fuck all of the Christians who say love thy neighbor
But then turn around and scream at anyone different from them
Fuck everyone
Fuck all you fuckers
I just wanna exist
I just wanna live
I don’t want to hate me
You broke me and made me despise myself
I don’t know how
But cha did
Despite my disagreement towards you
Fucking thanks
I guess