Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

Alright
So.


Reasons why I want to learn the violin.

1: the sound
I adore how a violin sounds
It invokes so much emotion in me
And makes me feel something

2: the motions
The motions needed to play the violin
I.e. moving the bow
Is similar to motions needed for SH

Which leads to #3

Its an alternative for SH

Because it brings so much emotion out of me
And the similarities in the movements
I feel it would be a healthy alternative
Something i could likely stick with
And enjoy

Because the urge to just
Play my arms like a violin
for blood music
Is strong

So whenever i feel like that
I could simply pick up the violin
And play

Letting out my emotions with the croons of the strings

Music in general
Makes me want to move
Especially string and brass instruments

Music is such a big part of me
I couldn't live without music
I spend so much time listening to music

I turn it on whenever i can
Simply for background noise
At the very least

But lyrics
Beats
And rhythms

I love it all

When i'm alone i love to just dance along
Or move along
Not necessarily dance

I can't describe what exactly i do with my hands
Other than that they stim along to the music
There's been conductor jokes thrown at me
That made me somewhat self conscious
But fuck them
Stimming along is fun and somewhat involuntary

Swaying
Bouncing
Twitching
Tapping the air
Waving my hands
Shaking my hands

I do all of that along with music
It invokes that need
To Move

I cannot stop rambling about how much i love music
I like to identify the instruments that are used
I like to try i figure out how it would be played

Yet i cannot read sheet music
I find that hilarious

I also hear jokes about my headphones being glued to my head
(all jokes are from family mind you, do not worry of bullying)
Because i listen to music so much
Which..
Does not help how i sometimes i forget what someone told me
Or that they are speaking to me

I need things repeated to me because i Heard
But did not Listen
Like

Yes.
You speaking to me registered,
but your words did not.

Anyway
I spiraled

Im just constantly perceived as ditzy
Because of my constant forgetfulness and “huh?”’s
The headphones do not help
But i love music too much to care

 

[Shawdios]

to those in the thread who have offered that their PMs are open to talk

those offers will likely never be taken up on by me.

One, because of ingrained paranoia
Two, because of my fear of vulnerability
three, its awkward since I do not know the person at all?

with the thread, im screaming into the void. PMs makes it personal.

unless ive role-played with you and we've hit it off? ill likely never talk personally in PMs about stuff in here.
i'm almost never the one to reach out. if you do want to talk to me 1 on 1, (regardless of topic) you gotta extend the first branch in PMs

so uh, yeah. PSA over.
(also, no offense to the person, but my paranoia does not see someone who joined less than a month ago trust worthy at all. Especially since I can pretty quickly figure that they're likely an adult)

 

[Shawdios]

God damn

out of a random jolt of memory,
I remembered I had an account on Rpnation before this one.

so I searched it up and-

I can't with it
XD

I was a one lining lil annoyance.

Ah god looking at this stuff brings back so many memories.

I was 13 on a 18+ site as well, with multiple accounts as well because of how I'd get caught. which, I will admit my parents were pretty justified in being upset about. but I hadn't been writing 18+ stuff nor being asked for it.

mind you im not gonna give you the name of the account because...
ew no dont look at my shit writting from years ago

but, bro my damn profile at the time!!


"Yes I know what you all do..
You think there aren't ones who are aware of what you do?
Boy are you wrong
I'm magolor and I'm a 'fictional character'
What? You thought that this account had a real person posting?
Yeah well it's not- "
Hey! Get off you can't mess with that!
"UGH

Hiya im rebecca, sorry about magolor he doesn't like the existment of role play sites says they are character slave sites.. Anyway! I'm 13 and I love sci-fi and fantasy roleplays but ill play slice of life if the plot is ineresting enough

I have three characters who's backstories change to fit the role play they are in but their personalities stay the same

Spoiler: kiryl
Spoiler: alena
Spoiler: magolor

"Hey! You said you wouldn't use me!"
Look just because you're up there doesn't mean I'm going to use you!
Any way back to me!
I started role-playing when I was 12
My favorite fandoms are dragon quest, Kirby, fnaf and bnha
i am also on storytellers circle as rebeccaroleplays
and writerssanctum but i cant tell you my username in case a administrator from there is here

Please don't metagame!
"Pfft what's it matter? You only use us to escape your depressing world, or to put us through hell that you'd be put into jail for if you did in real life"
Oh shut up! Can you just leave your character slavery to yourself? You are FAKE
"..."
"Whatever.."

i had thought i was being a clever lil shit at the time!!!!!
being all meta and edgy
fucking hell.

though, that melodrama has simply refined itself
*gestures to this thread*
case being in point


yknow i cant help but laugh at my younger self,
but i know they were going through some shit and i cant blame 'em for wanting to escape it all

...

we really do hate on our younger selves a lot here
and those still in the younger self age

ill admit i was pretty bad at roleplaying when i started,
but look at me now? writing over 1000 words for an intro post heh heh

what would have happened if i had been bulied off the site and been refused to be Roleplayed with by people who didn't mind that i was a beginner?

i wouldn't have grown
i wouldn't have gained all that RPing experience
i wouldn't be the decent RPer i am today
(or at least i hope im a decent RPer)


just
remind yourself that you were young too once
and dont hate that younger you
they were learning and trying

 

[Shawdios]

[TW: I TALK ABOUT MY CONTINUED EXPERIENCE WITH SELF HARM]

Wow uh.
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve vented here.

*glances at the most recent journal thread that’s not mine*

That’s why I’m careful with my phrasing sometimes
Unless I’m straight up having a break down of course

Anyway.

Update on prom.
Was clean for nearly a month.
Went well.
Had fun.

Started SHing again once it was over and I realized as such.

Yup
Couldn’t resist those redlines
God I wish someone in my family other than my lil sibling knew.
Oh yeah, they know by the way.
Forgot to mention that.

Uhm
they found out after I had nearly pushed my mother down the stairs
by accident back in March
I had worn tank tops till my dad got home
Wishing my mother would notice the healing scars on my shoulder

Lil siblin was the only one who noticed.

They haven’t asked since.



I only draw the lines before I shower as of late.
I don’t know why that’s the only time?
Maybe it’s cause I don’t have to use anything to clean up spilled paint.

I’m trying to stop
I really am
But every time the lines start to heal and fade?
I feel bad

And sometimes when things in my life are calm and OK
I feel this sense of wrong
Bad times I can deal with
I’m familiar with them
But how do I act when things are ok and good?

There’s no yelling, tensions aren’t high
How am I supposed to act?
And the Good doesn’t last
So I’m just stuck in this Wrong feeling and waiting for things to turn bad again

The redlines are familiar at this point
They bring comfort in knowing that
Yes you are fucked up.
You bear the marks of that fact.
And that cannot be taken away from you.

I have control
With the redlines

It’s my body
I chose how it looks
These are my marks
Mine
I did these
I can make these changes
I have a choice

I want to give myself these misery stripes everywhere
But I’ll get put in a padded room.
I want to have this choice
Let me have this choice in a world where I have none
Please?

Nope nope I’m spiraling
Not gonna do that this time

I do it for control
Maybe pain
Jury is still out on that one

Please understand I don’t want to die
Which is why I steer clear of anywhere near arteries and veins
I just want marks

To me they’re fascinating
Watching paint trickle
Is euphoric

Again, fucked up
I know

Sometimes I actively go looking for things that put me in a down mood
So I can pych myself into it
Because starting is the hardest thing
But so is stopping
And that usually happens when I run out of reasonable room and motivation

I should stop and I want to
Cause while it’s pleasing to have control
I’m always scared and ashamed
Of the marks

Terrified I’ll press too deep one day
Or that I’ll be put in padded room

I’ve talked about this before
But it’s an ongoing thing
I’m gonna rant about it multiple times

 

[Shawdios]

Yknow I noticed something
Something interesting
I’ve briefly mentioned before

Us as human beings love
Things being in threes
Triples you might say

The sun
The moon
The earth

The spirits of fire
The spirits of air
The spirits of water

Plant
Water
Sun

The Good
The Bad
The Ugly

Especially in story telling
We love to use three things
As a narrative

God
The Devil
And Humans

Mother
Father
Child

Day
Night
Dusk/Dawn

And I read Something
that pointed this out
And made me think about this a year or so ago

What was it?
I hear you ask

Oh, it was a hollowknight fanfic.
An iskai where a human got sent to hallownest

Gave you whiplash with that didn’t I?
Apologies

But it was,
A godtier piece of writing.

And in it
The human noticed how in the bug’s folk lore

Their stories
mainly consisted of pairs

Light
And Void

Mortal
And God

Life
And Death

Dream
And Nightmare

While we humans
Tend to have
Triplets

Heaven
Hell
The mortal plane

The chaotic one
The serious one
The plain one

The main character
The rival
The sidekick

The hero
The villain
The love interest

Love
Hate
And War

Heart
Body
Brain

Wrath
Joy
Sadness

It’s something that grows more obvious the more you look for it

 

[Shawdios]

I’m pissed
And there’s so many reasons why

Im pissed
because of society’s double standards

I’m pissed
That Smoking isn’t considered SH

I’m pissed
From being perceived as Crazy

I’m pissed
Since those who smoke aren’t seen as crazy but I am

I’ve ranted about this here before
But I’m gonna do it again in case you forgot.

Smoking damages your lungs and essentially turns them into a piece of leather.

I’ve seen the process for making leather, and it literally involves smoking the skin.

Every puff of smoke damages your lungs

Second hand smoke is worse than first hand, and puts the inhaler at the same amount of risk if not more than the smoker

How is this not a form of SH?
How is it not worse than SH?

Why am I crazier for cutting than someone knowingly damaging their lungs and others’ lungs?

Now I would like to bring some clarity first.

If someone is suicidal or harming themself to the point of hospitalization or risk of hospitalization (that includes wounds that would need stitches, poisoning, and third degree burns)

They are not crazy
But what they’re doing is dangerous and should be prevented
I stroke no deeper than the dermis layer. If even that.
These are superficial marks that simply need time to fade.
I get no nerve damage from it
Only marks.

Why are marks worse than the risk of lung cancer?

I get that blood immediately causes concern
But smoking is just as bad.

Liquor is a substance made of ethanol. Which, for those who are familiar with a gas (petrol I believe for non American folks) pump, is something your car can run on.

The process of your body expelling the substance is what gives you the tispy or drunk feeling/affect.

Excessive consumption leads to liver damage and failure

Not to mention! The amount of injuries and deaths intoxicated driving leads to.

Roughly 36 Americans die per day from driving under influence accidents.

Why do marks lead to me being called crazy and tools being confiscated, when going to a bar and getting hammered is socially acceptable? (Especially in Japan or Europe)

Why is a temporary, non-nerve damaging, non-life threatening injury worse than risking someone else’s life, risk of cancer, asthma, liver failure?

Why is my way of coping worse than theirs?

Why?

(I would like to note that I’m not searching for advice and that these are rhetorical questions)

 

[Shawdios]

God I hate my melodramatic tendencies

How I make everything sound like it’s worse than it is

The attempts to be a hand wavey cryptid

I know this is a rant/vent thread but I feel like I’m purposefully ranting so I get a response

Case in point with this rant?

Maybe I’m a lazy piece of shit who’s desperate for a reason to keep being lazy

Maybe I’m a horrible person who’s tricked everyone that I’m not

Maybe my writing and ideas are shit and my partners are just putting up with me like I do with most people who approach me

am I chronically online and a hypocrite?

My eatting and sleeping schedule are nonexistent, in case you were curious as to why I seem to always be online by my Posting Times.

Do people just tolerate me?

Am I annoying?

I really hope not, but I was rambling about music to my mother on the drive home from a mentor

And I knew she didn’t like the genre of the artist I was talking about
But I didn’t care,
She nodded, hmmed, “oh really?”ed in the right places and let me talk.

I guess that’s what set me off.
That and reading people’s reviews on said artist’s music.

I wish I weren’t so self aware sometimes
I wish I could live my life without care of others
Maybe I’d feel better off that way

I think it’s just me being lonely that’s got me this way
I overthink, I know this
My brain is in parinoid mode right now
But does it care?
No.

I used to swear a lot in the beginning on this thread
Did you notice the slow reduction of those?
Is there one?
Idk, it feels like it
I haven’t sworn in this one yet.

Wait no yes I did
Welp

Ugh I feel like crap right now
Not from the swearing
Well maybe a little
But just in general

I feel like everyone puts up with me because it’s “the right thing to do”
I feel like I’m a whiny entitled bitch who can’t help but complain about their good life online in search of validation

Phone is going to die soon
I should put it on the charger

Ima just post this and end it here


Don’t worry about me too much with this rant, I’m just being dramatic and I’ll tone down once the feels are out of my system.

 

[Shawdios]

I’m such a broken record

I’ve vented about these things before
But I just keep restating them

I hate and love showers now
They go hand in hand with redline sessions
Just bring your brush in with you and it’s easy to clean spilled paint

I love them because of the rush
i get from seeing my canvas covered with a thin layer of paint

I hate them because I’m trying to stop.
The lack of bloodborn marks when the canvas heals bothers me

Yet I’m terrified of a T-shirt sleeve slipping when I reach for something.
I’m embarrassed by them


I enjoy the redlines.
I hate the redlines.

Sometimes I want to just stroll around with a tank top on
Or have someone empty my bin instead of me volunteering to round up garbage each week

I want to expose myself sometimes
Shout from the rooftops
That I SH

But that’s a stupid urge
One that surfaces with a manic mindframe
Where I want to destroy everything
And burn every bridge

Where I lose it and laugh at everything
Go silent and picture harming people
Stare longingly at the leather strap I can hook to something high up or the window

Most times I’d be perfectly fine if I suddenly got into a fatal accident

Sometimes I wonder if a family member that’s running late to whatever died

I’m dirty minded as hell
My lack of filter has gotten me in trouble before

I want to throw things
But it’s the middle of the night.

Oh yeah.
Happy pride fellow queers

Don’t get stoned in America’s streets please

 

[Shawdios]

So apparently I’ve got a lung problem
Not asthma
I don’t think

The thing that tipped us off
Was the fact that it feels like my lungs are squeezed
When I’m only sitting neck deep in 3ft of water

Turns out
Feeling pressure on your lungs when in any depth of water
Of a 5’½” deep max pool
is not normal??

I remember when I was younger
I dived under to grab the sinking toys at the bottom of the pool
And my lungs felt a little squeezed from the pressure
But I was holding my breath
It didn’t effect me

I found out sometime as a kid
That water can crush your lungs at a certain depth
So my brain went
“Oh well, that makes sense! I feel this pressure because water is heavy!”

Well now it’s so bad that I cannot sit and relax neck deep in water
Without struggling to take breaths
and feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest

Me and my mother have our theories as to why
My lungs are this way
Some likely wrong
Some make sense

But as of right now
We don’t know anything other than
there’s an issue

We’re setting an appointment for a lung doctor
And I’ll give an update on this when I find out more

 

[Shawdios]

Why is it always on the younger generation to fix the older’s mistakes?

It’s all I ever hear

“Oh you young folks are the ones who’ll fix all of this”
“You’re who will be able to make changes!”
“We’re depending on you to make things better”

Why do we need to fix what you messed up?
Why is it our responsibility?

It’s you old shits who are in Congress.
You old shits who vote to kick out anyone young.
You old shits who shut down anything we suggest

The same old shits who tell us it’s our fault nothing is working right

Why is it on us?
And if it is actually on us
Why do you shut us down?

You’re the lazy ass in power
You’re the one grinding our will to live into dust
You’re the adults driving the country into the ground

We’re just struggling to survive
Trying to get through the day without killing ourselves

And it’s our fault?

I fear for Gen Alpha.

 

[Shawdios]

You ever wish the world wasn’t so complicated?
Why can’t everyone just get along?
Why do we have to fight?
Why do people have to hate?

I get that difference of opinion is important for improvement
But for some reason
No one can ever debate
Without arguing and hating the other side

What the fuck is correct to believe?
Where is the line?
I just wanna exist!

You have MAPs
(Minor Attracted Person)
Who try to claim they are an oppressed group
“Just like lesbians and gay people were.”

Pedophilia is not okay.
(Don’t we love how they made a new, unstigmatized term for themselves with MAP? /s)
Having 18+ times with someone not 18+
Is not okay.
It never should be

And while the media had people outraged about Pedos
They ignored the fact that
There’s still underage marriage laws in place in the USA
Seven, seven, states have no minimum age (effectively 0).
Two states have a minimum age of 15.
25 states have a minimum age of 16.
And Nine states have a minimum age of 17.

People pinned Pedos up with us queers and said we’re the same.
When the laws were set by Cishet people.

Now trans people are under attack.
While seven states allow no limits on age of marriage.

And instead of removing those,
Florida creates a bill
(Which was passed, I think??)
That allows them to take away trans kids from their families.
Even if they weren’t from Florida and were just visiting.

God I hate society
Why do we have to be horrible?
Why do we have to be so complicated?
“But isn’t that being human?”
“Boy will be boys”
“Oh she just is being take charge”
“They aren’t ill, they just need to stop being lazy”

if being horrible people
Who abuse
Who rape
Who take advantage
Who put down
Who kill because of a difference of opinion or appearance
Is in our nature

Then I’m ashamed to be human.
I don’t want to be human if it’s human nature to be bad.

 

[Shawdios]

Ive finally settled
on my sexuality and romanticality.

Aromantic PanCupiosexual.

Cupiosexual is a term under the Asexual umbrella

Meaning:
I don’t experience sexual attraction
But I do still like the experience of sex

Pan being there to signify I like all genders/sexes when doing the act.

Now.
I do have this classified
as a vent/rant in the threadmark
So obviously I’m upset.

Why?
Because while I’m glad Aces and Aroaces
are getting awareness

Aromantics who aren’t also Asexual
are semi alienated from the community.

That and the two are constantly confused
for meaning: no sexual or romantic relationship at all

I’d get called a slut by a Alleoromantic Alleosexual

Or even a Alleoromantic Asexual

Because me lacking a desire for a romantic relationship
wouldn’t give me a socially acceptable reason
to “justify” having sex with someone.

Mind you
I’ve still got my V card
I AM still a minor after all

But, obviously, that wouldn’t stop Me Time

Going on a date and spending my life with someone
Just never sounded appealing
Other than the prospect of the food or potential... Afterwards Act

And while I’m not opposed to Sex
No one “turns me on”
By me looking at their face, bust, chest, muscles, or ass.
It’s all in the acts done

I could give two shits about what the person I do it with looks like
If you make me feel good by what you do
You’re a 10 in my book
And I’ve never really been able to pin down
What that would be called as a sexuality
Till now really
It still feels fake to wave a Ace flag around though
I don’t feel like a part of the Ace comunity
Because I do desire sex (if the topic is brought up)
But I don’t desire people?
I’m not sure how else to explain it but with this analogy:

I like the swing of the door, whichever way it swings, but not the door itself.

I don’t know

The more I try to explain it
The less I’m sure

I’m probably Poly as well?
Since I wouldn’t like being tied down to just one person
But how does that work since I don’t want a Romantic relationship?

I’m still pissed though

Cause while Asexuality and Aroaceality is getting attention,
Aromanticality (on its own, because being Aroace is different than Aroalleo) is getting shoved to the side.

Since we’re just sluts who don’t want to commit to anyone apparently.

Damnit!

It’s just that
I feel like I’m ruining what Aces are trying to teach to people about themselves
By desiring Sex and holding up a Ace flag during pride

I feel like I’m not wanted in the community
For not being opposed
if I got approached at a bar and asked to have Sex

I feel like a traitor
To the Ace community

I don’t feel like I deserve to call myself Ace!

Am I just hypersexual??
Cause, I would not turn down the offer at all?

I don’t like people
I like Sex
I like pleasure
Not people

I’m certainly Aromantic but not really Ace.

I don’t even know if I’m breaking any rules on Rpnation by ranting about this topic

This time I’m actively encouraging people to respond with their experiences/opinions.

Am I alone in this experience of feeling like traitor to the Ace community?
Do you feel as if the Aromantic community is ignored if they aren’t also Ace?

 

[Shawdios]

Not all self harmers wear long sleeves
Not all self harmers cut themselves
Not all self harmers have eating disorders
Not all self harmers are middle schoolers
Not all self harmers are girls
Not all self harmers hate themselves
Not all self harmers directly hurt themselves
Not all self harmers have life threatening injuries
Not all self harmers are actively suicidal

Average people hear Self Harm
And they think of a skinny middle school girl with lines on her wrists who wishes she’d die

Not saying that girl is bad or doesn’t exist.
But average people don’t think farther than that picture.

They don’t think of the one who walks around in a T-shirt but never a tanktop

They don’t think of the one who bakes and “accidentally” touches the pan or takes a lighter to skin

They don’t think of the one who is enjoying a piece of chocolate or meal with injuries stinging

They don’t think of an adult or high schooler in their junior year

They don’t think of the guy who never takes his shirt off at the pool

They don’t think of the one who is content with themself

They don’t think of the one who “forgets” to trim their cats claws and doesn’t mind when their cat claws the shit out of them

They don’t think of the one who is scared of blood or the one who bites their nails till they bleed

They don’t think of the one who likes pain, control, or making marks

But we exist.
Just because we aren’t talked about
Doesn’t make us not here

 

[Shawdios]

So, little changes

I’ve got my phone all day
I don’t have to turn it in at night

But there was a screen time tracker enabled two days ago
Which is why I’ve been behind on RP responses

However!
Me being the smart and creative lil shit I am
Has figured out a way to trick it

You see...
When you open a link, in one app
Sometimes it doesn’t switch apps
And it just brings up a screen with the site

Some people find it highly annoying
That I doesn’t switch over
For me?
Fucking blessing from whatever god I managed to please

Because now it thinks I’m in google docs
When I’m actually typing here

Which I mean, I’m writing anyway
So, not much of a change
Except where exactly the writing goes

And now I don’t have to worry about search history either!
Win fucking win

Take that, bitch! Ha HA!

Anyway, apologies to my rp partners who have had to wait.

 

[Shawdios]

I feel stuck

I want to work on my RP replies
But I’m just not...
Able to focus and get them done
I glance at the google doc
And then fuck off to YouTube to watch something

Hell,
Right now!
I’m typing a rant instead of working on a reply.

I’m doing everything but writing
And I feel bad that I haven’t drawn in a while
I’ve got drawing requests I never finished

God fuckig damnit
I can’t even get myself to use a bad coping mechanism
It’s just too much of a hassle
To be worth it

I’d have to close my door
Hunt down some brushes
Sit and get a paper towel ready
Hype myself up to bring a brush to canvas
Then clean up spilt paint

And id only feel worse afterward
It’s too much effort

I’ve had such a busy week
And now that I’m free today?
I’m just staring at the ceiling
Or watching YouTube shorts
Laying in bed

I can’t get myself to do anything
I’ve got no music to play
Because my MP3 player went kaput and wiped the SD card

I’m just
Stuck

I don’t want to talk to people
But I also desperately crave a connection
I want to go out and be with a person

Actually
Ima go sit on the porch.
Give me a second.

Spoiler: Proof I’m outside, if you care that much

It’s actually nice out here
Well damn.

 

[Shawdios]

Oh in case you’re curious

I do not go back to what I type
While I’m typing
This shit is all linear

I go back afterwards
To fix any typos that are critical
Ie: autocorrect changing RP to “to”
or any word autocorrect screws up

If I repeat myself?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Whoopsy

Actually
Most rants I put up are not changed as I write
Some are
But that’s because they were originally written on paper
And I typed it up to put in here

Other than that
Unfiltered brain

It actually is really nice outside
I’m sitting comfortably in a turtleneck and shorts
And I’m not hot or cold

It helps that the turtleneck is really soft and breathable
And not made of wool

This is actually my first time wearing this turtleneck
Since I thrifted it

Oh shit there’s a wasp

Spoiler: Wasp

O-0
Not sure where he went
Uhhhhhhh

Anyway
I’m actually really liking this turtleneck
It’s not a fuzzy soft
But just a soft
It’s not rough and scratchy
Or thick
It’s very stretchy
And also big around my torso

It’s made of a very pleasant to feel string
Or fabric?
Not sure what it would be classified as
I’ll add a photo

Spoiler: Turtleneck fabric

Holly fuck that wasp is fucking huge
What the shit
I’m changing seats

Never the mind it just zoomed by
I’ll stay put

back to the turtleneck
It might be one of my favorites now
And yes
I love turtlenecks
I find the pressure of the perfect turtleneck around my neck pleasant
I also find the pressure of a stretchy one around my arms pleasant

I like clothing that squeezes
Except when it’s my torso
Then it’s not fun
For reasons that honestly should be kinda known in this thread by now

I love holding snakes
Because they coil around my arm
And the pressure is pleasant
I like feeling squished
I dont know how else to describe it

Not sure when I should end this

I wanna just keep rambling

I feel like the turtleneck is hated on way too much
They are a pleasant clothing to wear if done right
Wool?
Oh hell nah
Get that shit away
Too hot here for wool turtlenecks
but a thin, stretchy breathable material?
That’s not scratchy?

Chiefs kiss

Don’t even get me started on the prices of new clothing
holy fucking shit
20$ - 30$ for a shirt??
Fuck.
That.
I’m going to goodwill or a town thrift-store

I can get nearly ten shirts for that price
Depending on the thrift store

Can you tell I’m not from a wealthy family?

I also don’t get everyone’s big deal with name brand shit
Clothing specifically

Shoes are shoes
So what if that one says converse on it?
I got the comfiest pair of shoes I’ve ever worn
(black boots that go to my ankles
They zipper up and have laces)
From a thrift store for five bucks

I haven’t worn anything brand new in who knows how long
And I nearly had a breakdown
when my grandmother took me to a sears
(or some shit)
a couple years back for my birthday
after giving me a 30$ gift card for the place

Why did I nearly have a breakdown I hear you ask?
Because everything was 10+ dollars.
And “why the fuck does it cost that much?!”

I have issues when It comes to people spending money on me.
And just
Money in general

I will always pick the cheapest option
If I’m picking something on your dime

Meanwhile with my own money

I recently dropped 160$ on video game soundtrack vinyls
That I can’t even play on anything
Because I don’t got a record player

I cringe at prices
and depending on who’s money it is
I’ll either tell myself
“Fuck it let’s buy it” or “BITCH OH HELL NAH”

I felt so horrible when my best friend got me a 30$ plushie for my birthday
When I couldn’t get them something for their own birthday that year

Even when it’s family
My own Mother or Dad
Treating me to something
I’ll pick the cheeper option
(That my mother would approve of if im with her)

99 cent icecream at a gas station?
Hell yeah!
4$ waffle cone at brusters?
Fuck no!

It hurts to see the bill
For groceries
Or for anything that isn’t paid for with my own money
Because god damn it
They just spent that much on stuff for me

Now.
Thrift stores.
I don’t feel the same amount of pain
When I’m spending other people’s money at them

Ten dollars for two pairs of outfits and a shirt?
Maybe a little feeling bad
But not much!

I love the dollar racks or “items with ___ color tag are 1$!” days

Five shirts for 5$?
Fuck yeah
I’ve found some of my most favorite clothes for a dollar

I’m a cheep bastard
Born and raised

 

[Shawdios]

Lmao
Guess who was sitting in a car that got rear ended and hit their head?!

✌︎_[⊙ω⊙]

Now sitting and waiting for cops.

So we are the third car involved
Middle car got hit and shoved forward enough to hit us
Van hit middle car

Now missing beekeeping meeting we were on our way to and made food for

٩( ᐛ )و

Having a fucking blast.

 

[Shawdios]

(Wrote this last night, phone locked for the night before I could post it)

Police finally arrived two and a half hours later, things are just about finished being resolved.
We aren’t at fault at all, we were last car to be hit.
Middle car has most damage.
We’ve only got some paint missing.
Van that hit middle car is at fault.

I’m not injured, mild bruise on the back of my head at most and my mother (who was driving) is fine as well.

So uh yeah, my nights been ruined.
At least I can eat this banana bread all on my own now ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )

Maybe I’ll watch a movie, not sure.

<now next morning me writing>

Passed out during movie
Decided to watch Guardians of the Galaxy
Since the third one was out

Woke up and my back and neck were sore
That may have been from how I fell asleep on the couch
Or from my bed
I dont know
Anyways
I’m fine!

 

[Shawdios]

Ello there fuckers.
I’m on my Aromanticism is not Asexuality bullshit again!

Spoiler: Definitions, in case you do not know:

Aromantic means the person has little to none romantic attraction. (Doesn’t desire to go on a date or be in a relationship, but may still be interested in “friends with benefits”)

Asexual means the person has little to none sexual attraction. (Doesn’t desire to have Sex with their partner or anyone, but is still interested in a relationship and going on dates)

Mind you, both of these are spectrums! The examples in parentheses are not one size fits all.

I was reminded of a toxic friend I had
And it’s got me thinking about our interactions

I’m not sure how much of her interactions with me were fake
So we’re gonna ignore that train of thought
And take everything at face value!

We were often pulling sexual innuendos
On each other
I would intentionally try to fluster her
And she would try as well

I was the only one who ever succeeded
Mostly.
Because there is a difference between me panicking
About getting in trouble with my mother because of what Toxic said
Than going “oh ShiT >\\\\\\<“

But I did find flustering her very fun and enjoyable
Because goddamnit
I can make someone flustered with just my voice?
The fucking power rush that gives you
Holly shit.

We also were semi-joking semi-serious
about being friends with benefits
if we were able to sneak off from parental view

Mind you
We never did anything
Because we never got the chance
Due to her mother always giving some last minute bullshit excuse
(Whether Toxic asked her mother to do that, i don't know)

I also was not the one who initiated
The sexual innuendos/flirting
She was.
I’m older by one and half years.
But I often forget
“Hey you’re going on 16 now! You’re not 14 anymore!”

Still a minor, but not just out of middle school either
Like she was.

I met her at a summer camp (held at a very religious college)
While dealing with the cut off of a friend
And she liked (latched onto) what I had been working on with said friend
So I had a person who cared about
what I was really longing to ramble about to someone

She grew physically affectionate
And she often leaned on me when sitting next to her
Or used me as a pillow (my stomach or side)
Linked arms
Doing my hair
Leaned her chin on my shoulder to see what I was working on

I am not used to that.
But I liked it
I viewed it as platonic affection
And it was similar to what I saw in media as girls just being girls

She also admitted she had a crush on me
back in the one year
we had been going to a homeschool co-op together
(We were like 11-12ish at the time)

Which.
Again.
I dont know
If she was lying

Because of my low self esteem
I can’t really imagine someone having a crush on me
So when she said it
It felt so good to hear!
I could be liked!
I wasn’t just a weird kid!
I wasn’t just an annoying bitch!

And I guess that’s why I clung so hard to our friendship

But would she have called it that?
if we weren’t in conservative religious households?

...Would I have?

Would It have been the experience that either solidified or demolished my ace identity?

I dont know.

I don’t know what a friend is anymore.
Or what a best friend is
No one has ever stuck around.

Except one, but if I get caught in contact with them?
I’ll lose my phone because my mother knows they’re queer

I spiraled.
Whoops
What was my point

Oh yeah
I’m Aromantic Asexual-spec (Cupiosexual)
But I often just call myself AroPan
Because explaining what I mean by Ace-spec
(and by proxy, Cupiosexual)
Takes too long and I’m not exactly sure myself

My Toxic friend (or “Ex” as I sometimes feel it applies)
is the sole reason why I question my sexuality
and feel fake if I say I’m Ace.

 

[Shawdios]

I hate how my tone shifts
You can see it in these rants

i over analyze everything

I just wanna scream out everything that’s bothering me
But I can’t put them into words
Words that would make any sense i mean

I don’t know what’s right or wrong
I’m just trying to live life without harming people

And I realize how that sounds
But I mean it in the sense that I don’t want to be something that’s a cause of any hurt

I want to exist and enjoy myself
But not harm anyone with what I do

But no mater what I do
Someone is going to be hurt

Just tell me what the hell im doing wrong so I can fix it

I hate how I feel the need to over-explain myself for everything
I hate how I’m constantly apologizing
I hate how I’m so so so fake with everything

I don’t know what my actual beliefs are
I don’t know who I want to be
I don’t know why I do things

I cant describe my feelings or put words to my experiences.
I hide everything
I want to expose everything
ive no clue what my needs are
I’ve no clue what I want
I forget to eat
I emotionally crash if I’m waiting for a friend to text back
I don’t know what to do half the time

I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know so much

When actually I do
I know I need to do things
But I don’t do them

I know I need to eat
But I’m busy
So I push it off

I know I need to write a reply to my RP partner
But I push it off
Because I’m not feeling up to it

I need someone to tell me what to do
I want someone to force me to do things
I want structure

I don’t want so many choices
I need
1 or 2?
I need Yes or No
No inbetween
No dancing around the answer
No emotion padding the answer
I need a reason why that makes sense

I don’t know what I’m trying to tell with this
I don’t know what I mean
Because there’s always execptions
I just want things to make sense

I want to know someone’s honest thoughts
I want to know what thoughts are my own
And not what I have to think to get by in my community
I want to be honest
But I lie so much to people

I claim to be a writer but I can’t convey my thoughts
All of this feels like I’m not explaining it right
I don’t want a “it’s okay! You’re okay to be like this”
I want to know what I need to do
So that I’m not unhappy
So that people around me aren’t unhappy
So that I can not be annoying
Or overthink

What do I need to do
Just tell me

Don’t dance around the topics
Don’t be crptric
Explain so I can do it properly

Tell me what I’m doing wrong
What is my mistake
What did I do
Don’t make me guess
Tell me
So that I can fix whatever it is
What’s wrong with me that you have a problem with?
What can I do to fix things

Is it worth my misery
For your cryptic games?

I’m the fuck up
I know that
I embrace that
But just tell me what i need to do

Do I need to clean the bathroom to let me play games?

Give me a broken down list of small tasks and an exact guide

I’ll be a sheep if I’m no longer confused

I’ll complain
But I’ll do the task in the end
Just don’t buckle
And tell me if I missed anything
Don’t keep that from me and harbor anger because I missed it

Actually
Fuck it
Life is too hard to keep up with
Force me to do everything
I don’t want thoughts
I don’t want an opinion
If I have to push back and be miserable

Why the hell cant I be a functioning person
What the fuck
Normal people don’t deal with this
They don’t crave structure and hate it at the same time
They don’t wish to be a tool that’s told what to do
They’re not stuck drifting through life
wishing they could get themselves to do what they want to do
when they have the option

Raw unfiltered thought y’know
Fuck
Why am I like this

 

[Shawdios]

Hi
yes
it’s me again
ranting about homeschooling


Public schoolers?
don’t you dare clown on us for
“Not having stressful homework”
Some of us have to teach ourselves
the entirety of our own education

For some of my subjects
I have to teach myself
from a textbook that was simply handed to me.
And told “here do this once a day”
Without any help because my mother isn’t qualified to teach it.

My friend is behind in his education
because the person teaching him
is too busy with her teaching job at a public school

I’m having to send him photos of my geometry textbook
So that he can learn what the person
who was supposed to teach him
Didn’t teach him

Both of us
Suffer from isolation
Him more than me
I at least have co-ops I’m sent to
He doesn’t

By the way
We met at a summer camp
(Which was highly religious, and pushed religion at every chance)
Not a conversion camp
It just heavily pushed religion

And it was basically the most social interaction of our summers
For him it was of his year

My honest take?
I would rather risk getting shot up in a school shooting
Than be isolated like my friend is

Because I would have killed myself
A long time ago if I was isolated
in the way my friend is
as long as I’ve been homeschooled

I’ve been homeschooled since I was in kindergarten
He was homeschooled since he was in 7th grade
I’ve had at least a lifeline of co-op

And the one year I didn’t?
I latched onto someone Toxic because she was all I had

I want to be around people
I hate and love going to summer camp
I love being there
I hate going home

My personality flips completely
When I’m there
I’m loud
I’m extra
I’m flamboyant
Why?
I’m not tied down
I’m not around family
I meet cool new people
I can be myself!
(To some extent)

When I’m home?
Or at co-op?
Kid in the corner
Quiet kid
The one with headphones on that no one bothers
The weird kid

And I know
That me being at public school
Likely wouldn’t change anything
But fuck
You guys at least get to see your friends
On a daily basis

I never see one of my best friends
And the other I see once a year
and next year will be the last!!

I have no meaningful friends at co-op
Because anyone being openly queer
Would get blocked by my parents

Same thing with woodshop
The only thing keeping me from spiraling so far into depression that i no longer exist
Is this site (which I’m not supposed to be on)
And my two friends that I text with fake cover stories so they don’t get blocked

My friend is begging to be put in public school
So he can actually get a chance at college applications

I would risk the high chance of being shot
For the chance of a social life and seeing my friends daily

Fucking—
Just don’t give me snobby looks
You lucky fucking public schoolers
with a social life,
good grades,
and parents who support you
I would take your place in a heartbeat

But all the suffering public schoolers?
I hope you get some happiness in your life
Every human being deserves happiness as long as it isn’t at the destruction of others

 

[Shawdios]

Went to the doctor today.

While in the waiting room,
My mother was filling out paperwork
And there was a section that I had to fill out.

Some of the questions, paraphrased to the best of my memory:
(In the past two weeks) (answer with an X under the filling column that fits: No days, some days, more than half, nearly all)
Have you had little to no appetite or overeating?
had feelings of hopelessness or like nothing matters?
Spoke so little or moved around so frequently that someone would notice it’s abnormality?
Thoughts that you’d be better off dead or of hurting yourself?
Had little to no energy?
Found no interest or pleasure in anything?
Felt that you were a disappointment to your family or worthless?
trouble with sleeping or sleeping too much?

Etc.

They were mental health questions.
The moment I saw the first question,
I recognized them instantly.

My heart rate had raced
In fear.
And anxiety.

Because I had to answer them
With my mother looking over my shoulder

I verbally chattered out bullshit reasons why
For each of my choices
And put off the worst questions as long as I could.

“feelings that you’re a disappointment or failure to your family?”
I remember absentmindedly saying,

“Well, in the past two weeks? No”
And I wish
I wish so much
That it hurt my mother to hear.

But I don’t know if it did.

Context for that:
*Gestures to previous rants about stealing electronics*

Then there was the appetite question
And the energy question

First one I put as half the days
Because I forget to eat,
And have difficulty actually getting myself make meals

Before you assume with an eating disorder,
It’s a motivation thing
I can feel that I’m hungry
But I don’t want to do the act of eating
And that nothing in the house is appealing to eat (to me at least)

As for the second
I think I put half the days
Because I was sick for a week

But half the days is my typical for having low energy anyway

Sleep question?
Every fucking day
Either I sleep very little
Or I crash and sleep on and off for the whole day
I waved my mother off with the
“Well I’ve always had sleeping issues, I need music to sleep”
Explanation that we’ve had since I was younger

The movement question I was very hesitant on.
Because my mother doesn’t believe we have ADHD.
But I put half the days,
and told her
“because dad is constantly yelling for me to stop fiddling with things with my feet durring movies”


The two hardest questions to answer I had to lie on.

Hopelessness
And the SH/SUI thoughts question.

They would have been Some Days
But I put None because of her watching me.

I hate that I had to lie
I hate that I was panicking the entire time I filled it out
I hate that I was having to rationalize my answers to my mother in such a way that I appeared fine.

Mind you.
I hadn’t gone to the doctor for a wellness check in five-ish years.
With two sick visits a week after eachother for phenomena back in 2021

And so the topic of vaccines was brought up.
Tetanus booster and three other things.

Mother turned down the offer to do them right then and there.

.
.
.

Personally I was somewhat fine with that.
Because I don’t want to piss her off.
But I pushed back a little on the tetanus one.

Nothing ended up happening
And in the car afterwards I mentioned how I had wanted the tetanus booster
And how it’s a reasonable one to get
But was brushed off and told that
i could just get it when an accident happens.

which is what most adults do

But I want it because I don’t want to risk tetanus
With the Redlines
I’m super paranoid about my brushes because of it

And I’ve been clean of it for a couple months now.
But I still think about it
I just procrastinate pulling the brush out of its hiding spot
And finding a opportunity

It’s funny
My ADHD’s issuses with task starting
Is what’s keeping me clean

Anyway.

While still on the topic of “on the way hone”
I got the usual,
“I hate going to doctors and being put under their microscopes”
Complaint
From my mother.

And the “going gives me so much anxiety, they’ll take any chance they can to interpret something wrong and call DSS on a parent”

I just was sick and tired of her bullshit at that point
So I tuned out with my headphones and laid on the kitchen bench as she ranted.

It’s always this fear mongering of,
“They’ll take things out of context and snatch you from here and put you in the foster system”

I hate it.



But anyway.
Tests for my lungs
That appointment is in two days
Hopefully I find out what’s wrong with my lungs then.

 

[Shawdios]

Dear twelve year old me.

Things will get better
Things will get worse
The dynamic will pull a 180
You’re gonna snap and curse

The yelling won’t change
But it’s target will
You’ll get sad and tired
Mother will refuse to make you pop pills

If you don’t give into impulse
things might improve
I get that you’re misunderstood
But you have things to lose

You’ll grow up quick
And you’ll seek validation from others
You’ll get caught and cry
But you’ll learn to hide things from Mother

Things will get better
Things will get worse
Take it from me
I’ve learned the from the first

You’ll get blamed
You’ll get shamed
And you’ll cause your own pain

You’ll run away
And come back
Taking insults till you snap

You’ll throw things
Out of sheer rage
Towards the one making the cage

You’ll scream and you’ll cry
You’ll feel like you want to die
Just wait four years
and you’ll learn how to hide

You’ll fall
You’ll fly
Please
Please don’t make yourself die

Things will get better
Things will get worse

I know you’re upset
I know you’re hurt
But your mistakes are not your worth

You’ll grow obsessed with the morbidity
You’ll wish you were abused “properly”
Just so you could have reason to feel poorly

I know you’re lonely
I am too
You’ll make friends with the wrong one
Your social life will not improve
You’ll stare at the ceiling
And feel cheated out of a childhood


Just please
Twelve year old me
Don’t do what I did
I gave in to the curiosity

Stop ignoring your sister
Keep speaking up
Keep that spine and imagination
Or you’ll lose that spark

You’ll lose it like I did
I grew up too fast
Don’t do it too

 

[Shawdios]

Books

I love books!
I love reading!
But why must there be so little Aromantic centered books?
Yes, romance is a interesting thing
I admit, I like shipping my characters
But actually writing my characters in love?
It’s,
Not something easy.

Because I don’t understand
I don’t understand how someone could,
Feel butterflies
And get lost in someone’s eyes
How holding someone’s hand and kissing them
Could bring this bliss people describe

Why must we be obsessed with Love?
With “the love of your life”
Or ”inevitable love”

Do I really need to be the person who goes,
“Fuck it! I’ll write it myself?”
But I don’t know where to start

Because I don’t understand how people Love
I’ve read about it, sure
So I’ll imitate that
Is fake romance what I need to get by in the writing world?

I don’t Understand.
And I don’t like my writing being inaccurate
I don’t like not understanding
I wish I could dissect and study people’s emotions
I wish I could get a meaningful answer
That I understand

I want to write the nuance of Sam and Harks relationship.
How they Love eachother
Yet stay away because of their issues

I want to write how Big hates Holly because of her actions
Yet Loves her in the same moment
Because he knows it’s not just her fault

I want to write how Holly hates Big
For how he’s different
But also Loves his differences
And battles with ingrained thought processes

But, I don’t know how it works.
I don’t understand.
And I wish I did!
I wish I wasn’t lacking
What everyone else seems to have
In their souls packaging

I don’t want to be lacking
I want to achieve understanding
Of this seemingly inate knowledge and feeling

.

.

.

But I can’t

 

[Shawdios]

I really should pay attention to my character obsessions more

I really,
really,
should pay more attention.

I should know by now
that when I fixate on Fall
im never in a good head space

I should know by now
that I shouldn't re-read
a certain past role-play with him

I should FUCking know by now
that when I obsess over his depressed and addicted ass
and want to write out a story centered on him
that im not happy

he's my walking warning
my walking trigger
the thing that pulls me down
whenever I think too much about it

but I can't hate the character
I made him
he's just a piece of me
and
I turn to him when im feeling bad

when im feeling misfit
I turn to Big
when im feeling angry
I turn to Sam

when I feel like I suck
when I feel like the world is too much
when I feel like not doing anything
its Fall I turn to

not Autumn
Autumn is just him
but not depressed

its him
with the spark still there

and I purposely fixate on him
so I stay sad
because what else is there?
nothing is satisfying
I want to feel bad
because nothing is making me happy
and feeling Nothing
is worse than feeling bad
crying is better than staring down from my window
crying means im still here
crying means im letting things out

I want to write a story with Fall
I want to write his struggle
but in doing so
I trigger my own
I can't write his story
because im still going through it

I dont know how his story ends yet
I dont think ill ever know how it ends for certain

it'll always be up in the air

but there's another thing there
he's not me
he's the worst bits of me
with the projection of my mother's mistakes

he's the one who fucks up
who fucks up and fucks up apologizing for those fuck ups

the one who wallows in his issues
and drags those around him down
who was pushed and pushed and pushed down by things
till he got crushed and couldn't take it anymore
so he stops trying and just drowns things out
an utter mess who's given up
and drifts through life wishing an accident would happen
so he can just be done

he's the one who's too prideful to apologize
without an explanation that diverts the blame
who tried his best
and still fucked up


im just the whiny bitch who's projecting their issues
so that they can not have to work through them themselves