Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

Alright
So.


Reasons why I want to learn the violin.

1: the sound
I adore how a violin sounds
It invokes so much emotion in me
And makes me feel something

2: the motions
The motions needed to play the violin
I.e. moving the bow
Is similar to motions needed for SH

Which leads to #3

Its an alternative for SH

Because it brings so much emotion out of me
And the similarities in the movements
I feel it would be a healthy alternative
Something i could likely stick with
And enjoy

Because the urge to just
Play my arms like a violin
for blood music
Is strong

So whenever i feel like that
I could simply pick up the violin
And play

Letting out my emotions with the croons of the strings

Music in general
Makes me want to move
Especially string and brass instruments

Music is such a big part of me
I couldn't live without music
I spend so much time listening to music

I turn it on whenever i can
Simply for background noise
At the very least

But lyrics
Beats
And rhythms

I love it all

When i'm alone i love to just dance along
Or move along
Not necessarily dance

I can't describe what exactly i do with my hands
Other than that they stim along to the music
There's been conductor jokes thrown at me
That made me somewhat self conscious
But fuck them
Stimming along is fun and somewhat involuntary

Swaying
Bouncing
Twitching
Tapping the air
Waving my hands
Shaking my hands

I do all of that along with music
It invokes that need
To Move

I cannot stop rambling about how much i love music
I like to identify the instruments that are used
I like to try i figure out how it would be played

Yet i cannot read sheet music
I find that hilarious

I also hear jokes about my headphones being glued to my head
(all jokes are from family mind you, do not worry of bullying)
Because i listen to music so much
Which..
Does not help how i sometimes i forget what someone told me
Or that they are speaking to me

I need things repeated to me because i Heard
But did not Listen
Like

Yes.
You speaking to me registered,
but your words did not.

Anyway
I spiraled

Im just constantly perceived as ditzy
Because of my constant forgetfulness and “huh?”’s
The headphones do not help
But i love music too much to care

 

[Shawdios]

to those in the thread who have offered that their PMs are open to talk

those offers will likely never be taken up on by me.

One, because of ingrained paranoia
Two, because of my fear of vulnerability
three, its awkward since I do not know the person at all?

with the thread, im screaming into the void. PMs makes it personal.

unless ive role-played with you and we've hit it off? ill likely never talk personally in PMs about stuff in here.
i'm almost never the one to reach out. if you do want to talk to me 1 on 1, (regardless of topic) you gotta extend the first branch in PMs

so uh, yeah. PSA over.
(also, no offense to the person, but my paranoia does not see someone who joined less than a month ago trust worthy at all. Especially since I can pretty quickly figure that they're likely an adult)

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

I was paraniod too. Ngl I’ve only recently became an adult but I quickly found out I’ll never be an adult for real. They always tell me to grow up or stop acting like a child. And ngl I do. In some ways. Behave more child like. But it’s cuz of my disability’s and cards I’ve been dealt by birth of misfortune. But I also been told anime. Games. Roleplay. Disney movies. Video games. And many more are childish.

I vowed to never be like the adults who I’ve grown up to see whether it was schools or at home.


As for the music thing. The piano has always been my thing. I adore it. I’ve even tried go play it. And I do pretty well but i dont actually play sheet music. I cant read them to save the life if me

 

[Anakisuto]

Alright
So.


Reasons why I want to learn the violin.

1: the sound
I adore how a violin sounds
It invokes so much emotion in me
And makes me feel something

2: the motions
The motions needed to play the violin
I.e. moving the bow
Is similar to motions needed for SH

Which leads to #3

Its an alternative for SH

Because it brings so much emotion out of me
And the similarities in the movements
I feel it would be a healthy alternative
Something i could likely stick with
And enjoy

Because the urge to just
Play my arms like a violin
for blood music
Is strong

So whenever i feel like that
I could simply pick up the violin
And play

Letting out my emotions with the croons of the strings

Music in general
Makes me want to move
Especially string and brass instruments

Music is such a big part of me
I couldn't live without music
I spend so much time listening to music

I turn it on whenever i can
Simply for background noise
At the very least

But lyrics
Beats
And rhythms

I love it all

When i'm alone i love to just dance along
Or move along
Not necessarily dance

I can't describe what exactly i do with my hands
Other than that they stim along to the music
There's been conductor jokes thrown at me
That made me somewhat self conscious
But fuck them
Stimming along is fun and somewhat involuntary

Swaying
Bouncing
Twitching
Tapping the air
Waving my hands
Shaking my hands

I do all of that along with music
It invokes that need
To Move

I cannot stop rambling about how much i love music
I like to identify the instruments that are used
I like to try i figure out how it would be played

Yet i cannot read sheet music
I find that hilarious

I also hear jokes about my headphones being glued to my head
(all jokes are from family mind you, do not worry of bullying)
Because i listen to music so much
Which..
Does not help how i sometimes i forget what someone told me
Or that they are speaking to me

I need things repeated to me because i Heard
But did not Listen
Like

Yes.
You speaking to me registered,
but your words did not.

Anyway
I spiraled

Im just constantly perceived as ditzy
Because of my constant forgetfulness and “huh?”’s
The headphones do not help
But i love music too much to care

I personally played the violin in the past, and it sounds like a good fit for you! However, like with any other musical instrument, it can get expensive for upkeep and things.

 

[Shawdios]

God damn

out of a random jolt of memory,
I remembered I had an account on Rpnation before this one.

so I searched it up and-

I can't with it
XD

I was a one lining lil annoyance.

Ah god looking at this stuff brings back so many memories.

I was 13 on a 18+ site as well, with multiple accounts as well because of how I'd get caught. which, I will admit my parents were pretty justified in being upset about. but I hadn't been writing 18+ stuff nor being asked for it.

mind you im not gonna give you the name of the account because...
ew no dont look at my shit writting from years ago

but, bro my damn profile at the time!!


"Yes I know what you all do..
You think there aren't ones who are aware of what you do?
Boy are you wrong
I'm magolor and I'm a 'fictional character'
What? You thought that this account had a real person posting?
Yeah well it's not- "
Hey! Get off you can't mess with that!
"UGH

Hiya im rebecca, sorry about magolor he doesn't like the existment of role play sites says they are character slave sites.. Anyway! I'm 13 and I love sci-fi and fantasy roleplays but ill play slice of life if the plot is ineresting enough

I have three characters who's backstories change to fit the role play they are in but their personalities stay the same

Spoiler: kiryl
Spoiler: alena
Spoiler: magolor

"Hey! You said you wouldn't use me!"
Look just because you're up there doesn't mean I'm going to use you!
Any way back to me!
I started role-playing when I was 12
My favorite fandoms are dragon quest, Kirby, fnaf and bnha
i am also on storytellers circle as rebeccaroleplays
and writerssanctum but i cant tell you my username in case a administrator from there is here

Please don't metagame!
"Pfft what's it matter? You only use us to escape your depressing world, or to put us through hell that you'd be put into jail for if you did in real life"
Oh shut up! Can you just leave your character slavery to yourself? You are FAKE
"..."
"Whatever.."

i had thought i was being a clever lil shit at the time!!!!!
being all meta and edgy
fucking hell.

though, that melodrama has simply refined itself
*gestures to this thread*
case being in point


yknow i cant help but laugh at my younger self,
but i know they were going through some shit and i cant blame 'em for wanting to escape it all

...

we really do hate on our younger selves a lot here
and those still in the younger self age

ill admit i was pretty bad at roleplaying when i started,
but look at me now? writing over 1000 words for an intro post heh heh

what would have happened if i had been bulied off the site and been refused to be Roleplayed with by people who didn't mind that i was a beginner?

i wouldn't have grown
i wouldn't have gained all that RPing experience
i wouldn't be the decent RPer i am today
(or at least i hope im a decent RPer)


just
remind yourself that you were young too once
and dont hate that younger you
they were learning and trying

 

[Shawdios]

[TW: I TALK ABOUT MY CONTINUED EXPERIENCE WITH SELF HARM]

Wow uh.
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve vented here.

*glances at the most recent journal thread that’s not mine*

That’s why I’m careful with my phrasing sometimes
Unless I’m straight up having a break down of course

Anyway.

Update on prom.
Was clean for nearly a month.
Went well.
Had fun.

Started SHing again once it was over and I realized as such.

Yup
Couldn’t resist those redlines
God I wish someone in my family other than my lil sibling knew.
Oh yeah, they know by the way.
Forgot to mention that.

Uhm
they found out after I had nearly pushed my mother down the stairs
by accident back in March
I had worn tank tops till my dad got home
Wishing my mother would notice the healing scars on my shoulder

Lil siblin was the only one who noticed.

They haven’t asked since.



I only draw the lines before I shower as of late.
I don’t know why that’s the only time?
Maybe it’s cause I don’t have to use anything to clean up spilled paint.

I’m trying to stop
I really am
But every time the lines start to heal and fade?
I feel bad

And sometimes when things in my life are calm and OK
I feel this sense of wrong
Bad times I can deal with
I’m familiar with them
But how do I act when things are ok and good?

There’s no yelling, tensions aren’t high
How am I supposed to act?
And the Good doesn’t last
So I’m just stuck in this Wrong feeling and waiting for things to turn bad again

The redlines are familiar at this point
They bring comfort in knowing that
Yes you are fucked up.
You bear the marks of that fact.
And that cannot be taken away from you.

I have control
With the redlines

It’s my body
I chose how it looks
These are my marks
Mine
I did these
I can make these changes
I have a choice

I want to give myself these misery stripes everywhere
But I’ll get put in a padded room.
I want to have this choice
Let me have this choice in a world where I have none
Please?

Nope nope I’m spiraling
Not gonna do that this time

I do it for control
Maybe pain
Jury is still out on that one

Please understand I don’t want to die
Which is why I steer clear of anywhere near arteries and veins
I just want marks

To me they’re fascinating
Watching paint trickle
Is euphoric

Again, fucked up
I know

Sometimes I actively go looking for things that put me in a down mood
So I can pych myself into it
Because starting is the hardest thing
But so is stopping
And that usually happens when I run out of reasonable room and motivation

I should stop and I want to
Cause while it’s pleasing to have control
I’m always scared and ashamed
Of the marks

Terrified I’ll press too deep one day
Or that I’ll be put in padded room

I’ve talked about this before
But it’s an ongoing thing
I’m gonna rant about it multiple times

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

There's one thing you should know, is that there's a lot of mis guided information on mental hospitals. Especially ones for people under 18. The padded room is only for people who will actively search to harm people around them and themselves in the most dangerous way possible it could lead to sever injury.

I should know I was in tons if hospitals as a kid,

What would happen is you would get emitioned and the most they'll do is have you enter with few belongings. Nothing with strings, nothing with metal. You'll still get to wear clothes that don't have those. They will have a game room for you to enjoy. ATLEAST mine did and I know quite a few other people around the globe who had a game room. They have fun activities, and a school system so you can learn with the other kids. Most do anyways,

Most people assume mental illness and mental hospitals are something to be feared, and while yes, it is scary, there's good in it. It's there to help you. Not hurt you.

I'll admit I got some trauma from those hospitals. But I also have very fond memories. I made some friends. They had amazing food that I didn't have anyone telling me what I should or shouldn't eat. I got to choose. The game room was awsome I saw my first anime there. Ones I earned points I was allowed to do more games, good behavior was rewarded. And sad to say I was the most happiest there

No two hospital is 100% the same. So some things may be different for you. But. There's a lot of good that can come from a hospital. If you truly feel unsafe, and your doing these. Reaching out for help may be the best option. I just don't want you to do something and then you can never go back from it. Yknow?

 

[Shawdios]

There's one thing you should know, is that there's a lot of mis guided information on mental hospitals. Especially ones for people under 18. The padded room is only for people who will actively search to harm people around them and themselves in the most dangerous way possible it could lead to sever injury.

I should know I was in tons if hospitals as a kid,

What would happen is you would get emitioned and the most they'll do is have you enter with few belongings. Nothing with strings, nothing with metal. You'll still get to wear clothes that don't have those. They will have a game room for you to enjoy. ATLEAST mine did and I know quite a few other people around the globe who had a game room. They have fun activities, and a school system so you can learn with the other kids. Most do anyways,

Most people assume mental illness and mental hospitals are something to be feared, and while yes, it is scary, there's good in it. It's there to help you. Not hurt you.

I'll admit I got some trauma from those hospitals. But I also have very fond memories. I made some friends. They had amazing food that I didn't have anyone telling me what I should or shouldn't eat. I got to choose. The game room was awsome I saw my first anime there. Ones I earned points I was allowed to do more games, good behavior was rewarded. And sad to say I was the most happiest there

No two hospital is 100% the same. So some things may be different for you. But. There's a lot of good that can come from a hospital. If you truly feel unsafe, and your doing these. Reaching out for help may be the best option. I just don't want you to do something and then you can never go back from it. Yknow?

Unknown reactions and what they lead to is the thing the scares me about reaching out (other than the misconceptions I had). Thanks for clearing up misconceptions though.

I’m just now realizing I never ranted/vented in this thread about what happened with the stairs. Uh, whoops? Apologies for assuming I did :|

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

Unknown reactions and what they lead to is the thing the scares me about reaching out (other than the misconceptions I had). Thanks for clearing up misconceptions though.

I’m just now realizing I never ranted/vented in this thread about what happened with the stairs. Uh, whoops? Apologies for assuming I did :|

Your welcome. Just remember. People want to help. I'll do what ever I can to support you. The best way I can. Even if it's only small bits of knowledge

 

[Anakisuto]

I know this might sound weird, but the way you write these is really beautiful and poetic. It says a lot about you as a person!

 

[Shawdios]

I know this might sound weird, but the way you write these is really beautiful and poetic. It says a lot about you as a person!

Fun fact! I started writing my vents out in the style I have been because I listened to The Narcissist Cookbook.

(First one with the style, Rant #5 I believe, was styled nearly exact to how some of his songs are written, both pacing wise and tone)

Most songs are in this musical ranting or storytelling form. Cognitive Dissonance Blues, Ghost Stories, Apple, Stopping A Garden Hose With Your Thumb, Good Morning Sunshine, and Courtney are some good ones to start with if you wanna check it out.

Spoiler: Beginning of Cognitive Dissonance Blues

[Spoken, Verse 1]
So I was in the supermarket the other day picking up
Stock cubes for this vegetable curry that I survived on for most of 2020
An' I - an' I - and I
Flipped them over to look at the ingredients on the back
No idea why
I should know what's in them by now
But as soon as I did
I remembered
Why I don't do that anymore
And I felt my mood just nosedive
Because I realized I had forgotten
Again
About palm oil
Which
And I don't intend to go on and on about it
But which is used in fifty percent of all packaged products on the market
It's leading to mass deforestation in Malaysia and Indonеsia
Destroying the environmеnts of endangered animals on a massive scale
Et cetera
Et cetera
Et cetera
You know the rest
We all do
I am tired of hearing about it to be honest

[Verse 2]
And I realized at that moment that I'd been actively putting that shit out of my head whenever I can
Because
To be honest to do otherwise is to wander from aisle to aisle in a hollow daze
Remembering that in the nineties Coca-Cola was hiring far-right paramilitary forces to assassinate trade union leaders in Colombia to keep their manufacturing costs as low as possible
Remembering that Nestle's CEO believes access to drinking water shouldn't be a human right, as the drain and bottle billions of gallons of the world's freely available water for resale
It makes you tired, you know
It makes you wonder “what's the point”
And so fuck it
I pick up my Coke
I pick up my Oreos
I pick up my stock cubes
And I put the truth away again for awhile
Which every time I do it feels just a little bit more like a tacit nod of approval

 

[Anakisuto]

I'd vent here but I'd end up writing like 12 paragraphs

 

[Shawdios]

I'd vent here but I'd end up writing like 12 paragraphs

Go ahead! I intended this as a vent space for anyone who decided to check out the thread

If post length is an issue and you don’t wanna put up a wall of text, put some of it in a spoiler or section it up into spoilers

 

[Shawdios]

Yknow I noticed something
Something interesting
I’ve briefly mentioned before

Us as human beings love
Things being in threes
Triples you might say

The sun
The moon
The earth

The spirits of fire
The spirits of air
The spirits of water

Plant
Water
Sun

The Good
The Bad
The Ugly

Especially in story telling
We love to use three things
As a narrative

God
The Devil
And Humans

Mother
Father
Child

Day
Night
Dusk/Dawn

And I read Something
that pointed this out
And made me think about this a year or so ago

What was it?
I hear you ask

Oh, it was a hollowknight fanfic.
An iskai where a human got sent to hallownest

Gave you whiplash with that didn’t I?
Apologies

But it was,
A godtier piece of writing.

And in it
The human noticed how in the bug’s folk lore

Their stories
mainly consisted of pairs

Light
And Void

Mortal
And God

Life
And Death

Dream
And Nightmare

While we humans
Tend to have
Triplets

Heaven
Hell
The mortal plane

The chaotic one
The serious one
The plain one

The main character
The rival
The sidekick

The hero
The villain
The love interest

Love
Hate
And War

Heart
Body
Brain

Wrath
Joy
Sadness

It’s something that grows more obvious the more you look for it

 

[LostHero]

hey lol. all i gotta say is, school sucked. fighting people for reasons beyond my control. work sucks **** and this site used to be better in my experience when I was here a while ago. but lost my old login info... now no one replies to my new account

 

[Shawdios]

I’m pissed
And there’s so many reasons why

Im pissed
because of society’s double standards

I’m pissed
That Smoking isn’t considered SH

I’m pissed
From being perceived as Crazy

I’m pissed
Since those who smoke aren’t seen as crazy but I am

I’ve ranted about this here before
But I’m gonna do it again in case you forgot.

Smoking damages your lungs and essentially turns them into a piece of leather.

I’ve seen the process for making leather, and it literally involves smoking the skin.

Every puff of smoke damages your lungs

Second hand smoke is worse than first hand, and puts the inhaler at the same amount of risk if not more than the smoker

How is this not a form of SH?
How is it not worse than SH?

Why am I crazier for cutting than someone knowingly damaging their lungs and others’ lungs?

Now I would like to bring some clarity first.

If someone is suicidal or harming themself to the point of hospitalization or risk of hospitalization (that includes wounds that would need stitches, poisoning, and third degree burns)

They are not crazy
But what they’re doing is dangerous and should be prevented
I stroke no deeper than the dermis layer. If even that.
These are superficial marks that simply need time to fade.
I get no nerve damage from it
Only marks.

Why are marks worse than the risk of lung cancer?

I get that blood immediately causes concern
But smoking is just as bad.

Liquor is a substance made of ethanol. Which, for those who are familiar with a gas (petrol I believe for non American folks) pump, is something your car can run on.

The process of your body expelling the substance is what gives you the tispy or drunk feeling/affect.

Excessive consumption leads to liver damage and failure

Not to mention! The amount of injuries and deaths intoxicated driving leads to.

Roughly 36 Americans die per day from driving under influence accidents.

Why do marks lead to me being called crazy and tools being confiscated, when going to a bar and getting hammered is socially acceptable? (Especially in Japan or Europe)

Why is a temporary, non-nerve damaging, non-life threatening injury worse than risking someone else’s life, risk of cancer, asthma, liver failure?

Why is my way of coping worse than theirs?

Why?

(I would like to note that I’m not searching for advice and that these are rhetorical questions)

 

[Shawdios]

God I hate my melodramatic tendencies

How I make everything sound like it’s worse than it is

The attempts to be a hand wavey cryptid

I know this is a rant/vent thread but I feel like I’m purposefully ranting so I get a response

Case in point with this rant?

Maybe I’m a lazy piece of shit who’s desperate for a reason to keep being lazy

Maybe I’m a horrible person who’s tricked everyone that I’m not

Maybe my writing and ideas are shit and my partners are just putting up with me like I do with most people who approach me

am I chronically online and a hypocrite?

My eatting and sleeping schedule are nonexistent, in case you were curious as to why I seem to always be online by my Posting Times.

Do people just tolerate me?

Am I annoying?

I really hope not, but I was rambling about music to my mother on the drive home from a mentor

And I knew she didn’t like the genre of the artist I was talking about
But I didn’t care,
She nodded, hmmed, “oh really?”ed in the right places and let me talk.

I guess that’s what set me off.
That and reading people’s reviews on said artist’s music.

I wish I weren’t so self aware sometimes
I wish I could live my life without care of others
Maybe I’d feel better off that way

I think it’s just me being lonely that’s got me this way
I overthink, I know this
My brain is in parinoid mode right now
But does it care?
No.

I used to swear a lot in the beginning on this thread
Did you notice the slow reduction of those?
Is there one?
Idk, it feels like it
I haven’t sworn in this one yet.

Wait no yes I did
Welp

Ugh I feel like crap right now
Not from the swearing
Well maybe a little
But just in general

I feel like everyone puts up with me because it’s “the right thing to do”
I feel like I’m a whiny entitled bitch who can’t help but complain about their good life online in search of validation

Phone is going to die soon
I should put it on the charger

Ima just post this and end it here


Don’t worry about me too much with this rant, I’m just being dramatic and I’ll tone down once the feels are out of my system.

 

[xpstitch]

Hey. Politely tell me if this is something you weren't looking for and I'll remove it I guess. I'll apologize too if need be.

The reason is modern western minds associate things like cutting with imminent dea**. Smoking and such are perhaps indeed the same thing or worse.

People subconsciously know it's equivalent or worse. But the harm in their minds is a sad but DISTANT future end. The former is more visceral and immediately alarming.

People and organizations like governments and the Healthcare system... they believe themselves so wise as to be the arbiters of when an individual has had enough/when it's okay to give up.

People care more about physical survival and largely disregard quality of life so good luck convincing anybody you know what's best for yourself if you're thinkingthose sorts of thoughts, no matter how awful things are.

 

[Shawdios]

I’m such a broken record

I’ve vented about these things before
But I just keep restating them

I hate and love showers now
They go hand in hand with redline sessions
Just bring your brush in with you and it’s easy to clean spilled paint

I love them because of the rush
i get from seeing my canvas covered with a thin layer of paint

I hate them because I’m trying to stop.
The lack of bloodborn marks when the canvas heals bothers me

Yet I’m terrified of a T-shirt sleeve slipping when I reach for something.
I’m embarrassed by them


I enjoy the redlines.
I hate the redlines.

Sometimes I want to just stroll around with a tank top on
Or have someone empty my bin instead of me volunteering to round up garbage each week

I want to expose myself sometimes
Shout from the rooftops
That I SH

But that’s a stupid urge
One that surfaces with a manic mindframe
Where I want to destroy everything
And burn every bridge

Where I lose it and laugh at everything
Go silent and picture harming people
Stare longingly at the leather strap I can hook to something high up or the window

Most times I’d be perfectly fine if I suddenly got into a fatal accident

Sometimes I wonder if a family member that’s running late to whatever died

I’m dirty minded as hell
My lack of filter has gotten me in trouble before

I want to throw things
But it’s the middle of the night.

Oh yeah.
Happy pride fellow queers

Don’t get stoned in America’s streets please

 

[Shawdios]

So apparently I’ve got a lung problem
Not asthma
I don’t think

The thing that tipped us off
Was the fact that it feels like my lungs are squeezed
When I’m only sitting neck deep in 3ft of water

Turns out
Feeling pressure on your lungs when in any depth of water
Of a 5’½” deep max pool
is not normal??

I remember when I was younger
I dived under to grab the sinking toys at the bottom of the pool
And my lungs felt a little squeezed from the pressure
But I was holding my breath
It didn’t effect me

I found out sometime as a kid
That water can crush your lungs at a certain depth
So my brain went
“Oh well, that makes sense! I feel this pressure because water is heavy!”

Well now it’s so bad that I cannot sit and relax neck deep in water
Without struggling to take breaths
and feeling as if an elephant was sitting on my chest

Me and my mother have our theories as to why
My lungs are this way
Some likely wrong
Some make sense

But as of right now
We don’t know anything other than
there’s an issue

We’re setting an appointment for a lung doctor
And I’ll give an update on this when I find out more

 

[Shawdios]

Why is it always on the younger generation to fix the older’s mistakes?

It’s all I ever hear

“Oh you young folks are the ones who’ll fix all of this”
“You’re who will be able to make changes!”
“We’re depending on you to make things better”

Why do we need to fix what you messed up?
Why is it our responsibility?

It’s you old shits who are in Congress.
You old shits who vote to kick out anyone young.
You old shits who shut down anything we suggest

The same old shits who tell us it’s our fault nothing is working right

Why is it on us?
And if it is actually on us
Why do you shut us down?

You’re the lazy ass in power
You’re the one grinding our will to live into dust
You’re the adults driving the country into the ground

We’re just struggling to survive
Trying to get through the day without killing ourselves

And it’s our fault?

I fear for Gen Alpha.

 

[Shawdios]

You ever wish the world wasn’t so complicated?
Why can’t everyone just get along?
Why do we have to fight?
Why do people have to hate?

I get that difference of opinion is important for improvement
But for some reason
No one can ever debate
Without arguing and hating the other side

What the fuck is correct to believe?
Where is the line?
I just wanna exist!

You have MAPs
(Minor Attracted Person)
Who try to claim they are an oppressed group
“Just like lesbians and gay people were.”

Pedophilia is not okay.
(Don’t we love how they made a new, unstigmatized term for themselves with MAP? /s)
Having 18+ times with someone not 18+
Is not okay.
It never should be

And while the media had people outraged about Pedos
They ignored the fact that
There’s still underage marriage laws in place in the USA
Seven, seven, states have no minimum age (effectively 0).
Two states have a minimum age of 15.
25 states have a minimum age of 16.
And Nine states have a minimum age of 17.

People pinned Pedos up with us queers and said we’re the same.
When the laws were set by Cishet people.

Now trans people are under attack.
While seven states allow no limits on age of marriage.

And instead of removing those,
Florida creates a bill
(Which was passed, I think??)
That allows them to take away trans kids from their families.
Even if they weren’t from Florida and were just visiting.

God I hate society
Why do we have to be horrible?
Why do we have to be so complicated?
“But isn’t that being human?”
“Boy will be boys”
“Oh she just is being take charge”
“They aren’t ill, they just need to stop being lazy”

if being horrible people
Who abuse
Who rape
Who take advantage
Who put down
Who kill because of a difference of opinion or appearance
Is in our nature

Then I’m ashamed to be human.
I don’t want to be human if it’s human nature to be bad.

 

[Shawdios]

Ive finally settled
on my sexuality and romanticality.

Aromantic PanCupiosexual.

Cupiosexual is a term under the Asexual umbrella

Meaning:
I don’t experience sexual attraction
But I do still like the experience of sex

Pan being there to signify I like all genders/sexes when doing the act.

Now.
I do have this classified
as a vent/rant in the threadmark
So obviously I’m upset.

Why?
Because while I’m glad Aces and Aroaces
are getting awareness

Aromantics who aren’t also Asexual
are semi alienated from the community.

That and the two are constantly confused
for meaning: no sexual or romantic relationship at all

I’d get called a slut by a Alleoromantic Alleosexual

Or even a Alleoromantic Asexual

Because me lacking a desire for a romantic relationship
wouldn’t give me a socially acceptable reason
to “justify” having sex with someone.

Mind you
I’ve still got my V card
I AM still a minor after all

But, obviously, that wouldn’t stop Me Time

Going on a date and spending my life with someone
Just never sounded appealing
Other than the prospect of the food or potential... Afterwards Act

And while I’m not opposed to Sex
No one “turns me on”
By me looking at their face, bust, chest, muscles, or ass.
It’s all in the acts done

I could give two shits about what the person I do it with looks like
If you make me feel good by what you do
You’re a 10 in my book
And I’ve never really been able to pin down
What that would be called as a sexuality
Till now really
It still feels fake to wave a Ace flag around though
I don’t feel like a part of the Ace comunity
Because I do desire sex (if the topic is brought up)
But I don’t desire people?
I’m not sure how else to explain it but with this analogy:

I like the swing of the door, whichever way it swings, but not the door itself.

I don’t know

The more I try to explain it
The less I’m sure

I’m probably Poly as well?
Since I wouldn’t like being tied down to just one person
But how does that work since I don’t want a Romantic relationship?

I’m still pissed though

Cause while Asexuality and Aroaceality is getting attention,
Aromanticality (on its own, because being Aroace is different than Aroalleo) is getting shoved to the side.

Since we’re just sluts who don’t want to commit to anyone apparently.

Damnit!

It’s just that
I feel like I’m ruining what Aces are trying to teach to people about themselves
By desiring Sex and holding up a Ace flag during pride

I feel like I’m not wanted in the community
For not being opposed
if I got approached at a bar and asked to have Sex

I feel like a traitor
To the Ace community

I don’t feel like I deserve to call myself Ace!

Am I just hypersexual??
Cause, I would not turn down the offer at all?

I don’t like people
I like Sex
I like pleasure
Not people

I’m certainly Aromantic but not really Ace.

I don’t even know if I’m breaking any rules on Rpnation by ranting about this topic

This time I’m actively encouraging people to respond with their experiences/opinions.

Am I alone in this experience of feeling like traitor to the Ace community?
Do you feel as if the Aromantic community is ignored if they aren’t also Ace?

 

[Shawdios]

Not all self harmers wear long sleeves
Not all self harmers cut themselves
Not all self harmers have eating disorders
Not all self harmers are middle schoolers
Not all self harmers are girls
Not all self harmers hate themselves
Not all self harmers directly hurt themselves
Not all self harmers have life threatening injuries
Not all self harmers are actively suicidal

Average people hear Self Harm
And they think of a skinny middle school girl with lines on her wrists who wishes she’d die

Not saying that girl is bad or doesn’t exist.
But average people don’t think farther than that picture.

They don’t think of the one who walks around in a T-shirt but never a tanktop

They don’t think of the one who bakes and “accidentally” touches the pan or takes a lighter to skin

They don’t think of the one who is enjoying a piece of chocolate or meal with injuries stinging

They don’t think of an adult or high schooler in their junior year

They don’t think of the guy who never takes his shirt off at the pool

They don’t think of the one who is content with themself

They don’t think of the one who “forgets” to trim their cats claws and doesn’t mind when their cat claws the shit out of them

They don’t think of the one who is scared of blood or the one who bites their nails till they bleed

They don’t think of the one who likes pain, control, or making marks

But we exist.
Just because we aren’t talked about
Doesn’t make us not here

 

[Shawdios]

So, little changes

I’ve got my phone all day
I don’t have to turn it in at night

But there was a screen time tracker enabled two days ago
Which is why I’ve been behind on RP responses

However!
Me being the smart and creative lil shit I am
Has figured out a way to trick it

You see...
When you open a link, in one app
Sometimes it doesn’t switch apps
And it just brings up a screen with the site

Some people find it highly annoying
That I doesn’t switch over
For me?
Fucking blessing from whatever god I managed to please

Because now it thinks I’m in google docs
When I’m actually typing here

Which I mean, I’m writing anyway
So, not much of a change
Except where exactly the writing goes

And now I don’t have to worry about search history either!
Win fucking win

Take that, bitch! Ha HA!

Anyway, apologies to my rp partners who have had to wait.