Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

Poetry - Poems from the vents

I wrote some vent poems, decided to put them here instead of the vent journal.

www.rpnation.com

I put vents that are poems in a separate thread btw

 

[Shawdios]

I’m fucking terrified.

I thought it was a one off thing
I thought It was just curiosity
I had managed to ignore the urge for the morbid art
But boredom is a powerful motivator
So I gave in to urge again

And it makes me scared.
Because i don’t want to be addicted to redlines
I don’t want to find pleasure in feeling the bumps of healing skin
Or disappointment as those lines fade

I may say it’s only as bad as a cat scratch
But how long till I cross another line?
How long till I go deeper than that?
Either accidentally or on purpose

I don’t want to crave a blade
Or stare at pencil sharpeners
But I am

And that’s terrifying

 

[Shawdios]

Spoiler: TW self harm

you know what?
fuck you
you people who say
That im a psycho for cutting

who say that
i need to be put in a padded room
or tied down
so i cant hurt myself
by drawing red lines

fuck you

im not crazy
i have a bad coping mechanism
not insane
theres a fucking difference

people who drink constantly aren't called crazy
people who smoke two packs a day aren't called crazy
people who turn to sex aren't called crazy
people who get high or do drugs every night aren’t called crazy

why the fuck
am i different from them?
because i hurt myself in a less acceptable way?

why am i the crazy one
when i draw red lines to feel joy
in having a choice on how my body looks

i want to have something that shows i survive
that shows i got through things
that shows i had struggled with my mental health
I'm not trying to kill myself

why wont you people get that
I'm not a danger to myself
I'm not going to die
i just want to have marks

why do i have to be called crazy for that?

Why am i the crazy one
for wanting control over a life
where i have to beg and plead
to get the appearance i want

if i can make my body change how it looks
and all i have to do
is mark up my shoulders
to feel happy that i can do something?

of course ill chase that serotonin

So fuck you
if you think im crazy for that

 

[Shawdios]

WARNING
I get very very very dark this time

To the point where i don't know if i should even put this up here
I'm not exaggerating, take this warning very seriously.
I had a mental breakdown and this is what came of it
I'm still working through it right now

Please do not read if talking of death, SH, fear of the self, negative and harmful comparisons of abuse, or detailed descriptions of violence/urges of violence/ways to suicide bother you

do not come at me if you read this and say you weren't prepared, I hopefully have thoroughly warned you

Spoiler

I hear the stories of SHers and sometimes
I wonder
am I a fucking weak whiny bitch?

All these people who’ve been through different kinds of abuse
and I’m over here SHing because I got my fucking “bedtime” enforced
and cut off from the writing I was working on.

I threw a borderline tantrum
In the privacy of my room of course
I broke my hairbrush
From throwing it against my dresser repeatedly

I kicked my door and broke the item behind it

I tried so damn hard to not turn that destruction on myself

But now my canvas looks the worse it’s ever been

And I’ve wanted to scream out all my anger
but my throat refuses

I can’t fucking do this
I don’t want to hurt others ether
The urge to smack and throw things at my sisters when I’m annoyed and angry
It’s so fucking strong

I want to hear the sounds of things breaking
I want to know I’m destroying something
That’s what the anger needs to be satisfied
I’ve had so many thoughts of punching and kicking and stabbing someone
Sometimes even my own family pictured as the victim
just cause I’m angry

I know I turn physical when I’m angry
I know that
I don’t want to hurt people
I just need to BREAK

So I’m scared of myself sometimes
Cause I don’t want to be an abuser
I don’t want to be the reason someone flinches

Why the hell is my brain this way
I don’t want this

Is this why I enjoy those redlines?

Cause i'm BREAKING with them?
Im able to BREAK something?
I'm BREAKING my canvas
I'm watching red paint dry
Im seeing destruction

And i'm not hurting anyone but myself with the destruction
I'm not being the reason someone flinches
But i'm able to let out the need to BREAK

Fuck
I know how this sounds
I don't want to cry
But i am

I've literally and unironically wondered
what would it feel like to kill someone
To watch the blood spill from wherever
Or what their organs would look like
And i've thought many times of how i could get away with it

Ive also wondered what it would be like to die
How it would feel to stab myself
To starve myself
To die of dehydration
to strangle myself


I know how it feels to draw blood from yourself
I'm too much of a food lover to starve myself
I haven't died from lack of moisture yet
And I have attempted to strangle myself

If you can get it right
Where you feel light headed and black static swarms your vision
Its terrifying
Not fun, would not recommend

If you don't get it right
Now that's fun
The pressure is comforting
Feeling the constriction

I don't like this side of me
Its fucked up
And i know it is
But it's there

I used to act out stories in my head
Of characters being hurt
Or commiting suicide
Or harming themselves
Or comforting a victim

I would play both parts

I would throw myself on the ground
Into a wall
Press my throat
I would make myself cry
because the character was supposed to be crying

I have drawn gore for fun
For “anatomy practice”
I would say
But i know what it is now
It was for fun

I can make destruction
I can gouge out eyeballs
I can cut off limbs
I can tear open chests
I can hurt
I can hurt
I can hurt

Through creating!

And if someone hurts me or my friends
I want so bad to tear them apart
To make them hurt
Just as they made me hurt
Or had made my friend hurt

But i fear that side of me
I keep it in check
I push it down
I lock up the urge to harm
And vent it out in healthier ways
Like drawing
Or throwing pillows
and stuffed things at walls

But also in not so healthier ways
Like turning that destruction into myself

Am I crazy?
I don't fucking know
Not anymore

maybe those jokes
about me being a serial killer
will be truth someday
i fucking hope not

but its times like this
that I'm scared of the potential prophecy

 

[Shawdios]

Is it autism?
is it adhd?
is it bpd?

fuck off brain
stop trying to categorize things

trying to figure out a label
trying to pin down a gender
trying to create a perfect world view

im tired
can you not?

not stalk peoples’ profiles?
not feel sad when people are busy?
not fear you’re annoying?

i beg you brain
stop doing this

stop making me over explain myself
stop making me need to read things four times
stop making me hate crowds

why not brain?
fucking why?

why do you make me cling to toxic people?
why do you make me fear long pauses in text message?
why do you give me such violent urges?

tell me
fucking explain yourself

explain the urge to hurt people
explain the need to destroy
explain the desire for redlines

please brain
tell me the reason

the reason i obsess over people
the reason i don’t get out of bed
the reason i cant keep myself clean

Brain?
please?

please let me stop being paranoid
please let me live in peace
please let me catch a break

For once
could you please

shut the hell up
leave me alone

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

I was a mix of schools.... it was like.... REALLY BAD... my mom was abusive and even tho I wasn't homeschooled public school was still really bad. My mom asked the school to give me someone to fallow me around 24/7 even to lunch and every class and to the dam bathroom.

And when she couldn't handle me herself because she wasn't up to being a mother, she sent me to mental hospitals. All throughout my child hood I was sent to mental hospitals and no one told me why. All I knew is I was being punished by being in a scary place with dangerous much older children and children of all ages. Teens. Tweens. And people younger than 10.


It started when I was 7 I believe? Got put in a mental hospital for the first time and I didn't know why. I had no time outside. Confined to my bedroom with a roommate that made me feel unsafe. She would stand over my bed while I was sleeping and watch me sleep. And like my bed was to the wall... and hers was near the door so I couldn't just run if i had to. We weren't allowed pencils or certain stuffed animals or certain books. Because of material. So there was absolutely nothing to do. Until we were taken to the gym which was AMAZING it was indoor playground and had so many cool things to do. Tunnels with squishy stuff. Blocks to climb which were also squishy. Squishy floors with squishy platforms to jump on and try and do some super safe squishy parkour.


But the people scared me. This one guy started to run around with a pencil trying to stab people. And they captured him. And I think they drugged him? I'm unsure j was so young, but after they got him on this bed stiff thingy kinda like fire fighters use and er what ever. And strapped him down. And then put him in the room with pillows all over the walls. I was In that room on several acasions. It only made me more angry by the second.


The first time I was in there I didn't even do anything. They just tricked me in there to see how I would act. I was fine at first. It was bouncy. And they gave me this giant ball to play with. But then they wouldn't let me out. And I started crying. And they decided to lock me in there. And I got mad. And tried to bust open the door. Didn't work obviously.


But my experiences just got worse as I got older.

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

I was a mix of schools.... it was like.... REALLY BAD... my mom was abusive and even tho I wasn't homeschooled public school was still really bad. My mom asked the school to give me someone to fallow me around 24/7 even to lunch and every class and to the dam bathroom.

And when she couldn't handle me herself because she wasn't up to being a mother, she sent me to mental hospitals. All throughout my child hood I was sent to mental hospitals and no one told me why. All I knew is I was being punished by being in a scary place with dangerous much older children and children of all ages. Teens. Tweens. And people younger than 10.


It started when I was 7 I believe? Got put in a mental hospital for the first time and I didn't know why. I had no time outside. Confined to my bedroom with a roommate that made me feel unsafe. She would stand over my bed while I was sleeping and watch me sleep. And like my bed was to the wall... and hers was near the door so I couldn't just run if i had to. We weren't allowed pencils or certain stuffed animals or certain books. Because of material. So there was absolutely nothing to do. Until we were taken to the gym which was AMAZING it was indoor playground and had so many cool things to do. Tunnels with squishy stuff. Blocks to climb which were also squishy. Squishy floors with squishy platforms to jump on and try and do some super safe squishy parkour.


But the people scared me. This one guy started to run around with a pencil trying to stab people. And they captured him. And I think they drugged him? I'm unsure j was so young, but after they got him on this bed stiff thingy kinda like fire fighters use and er what ever. And strapped him down. And then put him in the room with pillows all over the walls. I was In that room on several acasions. It only made me more angry by the second.


The first time I was in there I didn't even do anything. They just tricked me in there to see how I would act. I was fine at first. It was bouncy. And they gave me this giant ball to play with. But then they wouldn't let me out. And I started crying. And they decided to lock me in there. And I got mad. And tried to bust open the door. Didn't work obviously.


But my experiences just got worse as I got older.

Basically prison for kids

 

[Shawdios]

Spoiler: TW: mention of SH and Sui

So here's the thing


When i was younger
I didn’t care all that much
When i didn’t get to have a party with my friends


Cause i still got presents from my family
And that's all little kids really care about
The presents


But year after year went by
And i still didn't get to have one
It was okay though in my kid mind


Cause I understood party places were expensive
And i couldn't invite friends over
Due to the house looking like trash


So i understood
And wasn’t too phased
Because i saw my friends at co-op


Then
Up comes my thirteenth birthday
I have archery friends and co-op friends
Plenty to invite to a party


I'm all excited for this year
Because my mother said yes
to a party at home with my friends—


Oh…
the ability be excited
Such a treasure i never cherished


—and then covid with its lockdowns happen


And my mother blocks all my friends’ contacts
Because they’re queer


I never even got to invite anyone


My thirteenth came and went
No party

My Fourteenth?
No friends


Fifteenth?
Same thing


Now my sixteenth is coming up
Its my "Sweet Sixteen"

I'm going to be Sixteen in nine days
And ive never had a party with my friends


Why does this hurt me so much
Why does it bother me so fucking much


Oh yeah


Because I can have a party
My mother has welcomed the idea with open arms

But i have no one to invite
No one my mother approves of anyway


I'd rather go unalive in my bed
than have an awkward party/”hangout”
with two people i'm barely friends with


That’s how you know you’re close to me
If i would invite you to a party


I clung to someone toxic for so long
Someone who led me to SHing
Who guilt tripped me
Till i was strung up in her web with a noose
Because i wanted A Normal experience

 

[Shawdios]

So.

I dispise the way my brain works

I’m pretty damn sure
I’ve been clear about that
At least by now
it should be obvious

But fuck
Do I hate it

I hate how
I’m always worried I’m hurting other people

I’m always bending over backwards to explain myself
(Even when it’s not needed)

I’m terrified that I’m rude

I apologize for fucking everything

I stress about whether I’m annoying

“Do I talk too much?”

“Oh shit I phrased that wrong”

(No you didn’t, you’re assuming they’ll take it the wrong way)

I always have an excuse as to why I’m absent even for a single minute

Because I assume everyone thinks the way I do

The way I think that people finally got fed up and left
Or that they don’t really care

Or it’s because I KNOW how I act.
I make up excuses and lie
I lied
I lied
I lied

How do I know others don’t do the same?
How do I know they aren’t faking it
Like I tend to do for the sake of the other person’s mental stability

Even right now,
I’m worried that people that read this will assume I’m lieing to them in pms

I’m not, I fucking adore talking to them
But sometimes my brain just
refuses to make words work and muster response.

I’m terrified I’m a piece of shit
And that everyone is lieing to me when they say I’m not
I’m terrified that they lie so I don’t feel bad

Because I do that.
I plaster on fake words and comfort
But here?
On Rpnation?
In this thread?

I’m baring my fucking soul
I’m trying to not give those fake words
It’s why I can’t muster a response to some posts in here

I don’t want to be fake.
I don’t want to lie to people and offer shallow platitudes.

But I have nothing meaningful to say ether
So there’s no response

I’ve grown up a chameleon that changes to please everyone

Because I don’t like conflict
I don’t want to be on the reciving side of anger
I don’t want to be hurt
I know I will cling to it
I will become it and spew my hurt at everyone

I’m spiteful as hell
I’m petty as shit
I will fucking hold a grudge

And I assume everyone is the same

Since I’ve being lieing my ass off since I was 11
Claiming I was 18 on an 18+ RPsite because I hadn’t known Rpnation exisited
Claiming I did my schoolwork
Claiming I hadn’t snuck devices
Claiming so fucking much that was lies

I don’t fucking know what I truely mean anymore

Am I lieing right now?
Am I just spinning my life story in such a way that it sounds worse than it is?
Am I just a fake personality that leeches off everyone?

Fucking fuck
Fuck
Fuckkkkk

I’m not fuckig okay
I know this
But I don’t believe anyone who says that is fine
I’m not fine
Being not fine is not fine to me
I’m not fine about me being not fine
And other people are not fine about me being not fine towards me being not fine

Is any of this making sense?

You’re witnessing a live unfiltered me of course
Why wouldn’t it be nonsense?
I’m just a bullshiter
A clown who’s somehow convinced you I’m on your side of the ring

Ah yes metaphors
So metaphorical aren’t I?
So clever
So smart
So witty

Fuck reality
Fuck existence

Oops, it’s no longer in threes
You notice that little drama trick of mine?
The threes?
Of any sort of pattern?

Whoop see fricking do

Let’s go do drugssssssssss
Haha no

It’s 2:20am
I should sleep
I’m seeing my best fren tomorrow
I hope

...

God I hope it goes well
But knowing life
It wont

Murphy’s law
After all

“Everything that can go wrong, will go wrong”
Story of my fucking life

No not really
I’ve got it better than those who genuinely have had everything that could go wrong, go wrong.

I should be grateful
But I’m not
I’m a selfish little human being
Who hates what they have
And looks bitterly at what they want

Even if that is just having a happy life

But I’m happy sometimes
It’s not a sad life
Except when it is

And I fool myself into thinking I’ve got it bad

I’m not abused
I’m not a foster kid
I’m not a orphan
I’m not a disabled person
I’m not a person of color
I’m not a person of persecuted religion
I’m not a kid with divorced parrents
I’m not a kid with a poor household
I don’t have any diagnosis for mental issues
I don’t have any illness
I’ve never lost someone to death

Why am I complaining
I’ve got it ok

Someone knock me off my high horse
Please
I complain
I complain
I complain

But I never do anything
I wait till the last minute to finish assignments
I lie my ass off about completing my schoolwork
I can sleep in till 12

Why am I not okay
Why the fuck am I not okay
I’ve got it alright
I’ve got an ok life

I just can’t
Why can’t i

Fuck
I should end this one soon
It’s 2:32 now

I’m nothing but a storyteller.
An entertainer for the world
Something to make you happy
Don’t ask me if I’m okay.
I don’t know the answer
All that matters is you feeling better to me
That’s all I care about
So take care of yourself please
I’ll just be here in my corner hoping you’ll grace me with your presence

Attention is my drug, keep me addicted please

 

[Shawdios]

But wait
I’m not done

I’m never done
Never ever ever ever ever ever
Am I done

If I was in public school I’d be a slut
If I was actually feminine of course
I’d want to please everyone i could
Be it with words or body

I want to be taken advantage of
I want a reason why I’m so fucked up
Something to point to

But I’m not in public school
So I’m a bitch at interacting
And a overthinking wreck

Maybe if I was in public school
I could have the confidence to try drugs
Or alcohol

Never cigarettes though
I’ve seen the distraction they do first hand

Maybe I’d be reckless enough to fucking be noticed
To be a spectacle
Or something that leaves people changed
For good or bad

I want to be cared about
But I’m a coward
And a lazy bitch

I’ll rant and rant here
But I won’t change anything will I?

Fucking someone
Hurt me
So I can be comforted

So I’m deserving of comfort
If I’m hurt I can ask for comfort
Right?

I can be okay if I get hurt and get comfort
That’s how it works right?
If I make enough of a fucking racket
Someone will care enough to see why there’s noise?

Right?
Fucking tell me how this works
Someone fucking tell me

Cause I can’t fucking do this anymore
I want to be okay
I want to be fine
I want to be alright

But it’s just been a long drop
And I’ll likely start digging
Hand me my shovel I’m going in, y’know?

Screaming into the void is odd
You want so desperately to hear a response
That you scream into a void
Where there’s nothing
And your brain tricks you into hearing an echo

And you can’t stop screaming either
Because if you stop screaming
You face the silence

And that’s the worst thing
Silence
Knowing that there’s nothing but you

I’m not alone though
This isn’t a void
It’s the internet
Our man made web
Of interpersonal connections

We can talk to people on the other side of the world at the tap of a button
Yet everyone’s alone now more than ever

Why?

That’s what it always comes down to doesn’t it
why?
Fucking why
Whywhywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwywhwhwywyywwywhwhwywywywyy

Why?

I don’t know.

Is this what a manic episode is like?
Or is this a breakdown?
Or a anxiety attack?
Or a mental spiral?
Or insanity?
Or depression?
Or existential crisis?
Or just me being dramatic?

Labels labels labels
Such a human thing
Labels
Putting things in neat little boxes
For our judgement’s ease

Funny how people think it’s odd to sort things for fun
Yet that’s what every human does on the daily
Black or white
Male or female
Straight or gay
Cis or trans
Alleosexual or asexual
Neurotypical or neurodivergent
Adhd or austim


Neat little boxes with labels
Aren’t they?
We all crave to point at something as the reason

That’s why folklore exists
It’s easier to blame the monster under the bed for a child’s nightmares
Than the abusive parent

It’s easier to blame the queers for why the children are defiant
Than the chokehold grip around their neck

Where was I going with this
i dont fucking know

It’s 3:11 now
I should sleep
But I wont
I’ll continue typing

Because it’s freeing
And honest
And dramatic
And attention drawing

Isn’t it?

 

[Shawdios]

Aren’t I concerning you yet?

Do I have you worried for me?

Is this enough to draw your attention?

What if I cut myself and see how much it bleeds? Its like adrenaline, the pain is such a sudden rush for me?

How about now?
Are you entraptured yet?
Are you fearful for me?

Do I scare you?
BOO!
Haha haha
Gotchaaa
Didn’t I?

What if I tear someone open?
And play with their organs?

Will you care then?
Do you care at all?
For anyone?

Or am I just the execption?
Am I truely a ghost to you?
How about I make that true?
Too far?

Why is it everyone cares when someone is dead
While when someone was living no one gave a shit?

Why?

Oop there it is again!

Fucking why!
Heheheheheeheheheheheh

Am I crazy enough for you to care?
Am I insane enough for you to fear?
Am I “quirky” enough for you to like me?

No?
Shit, murder it is!
Lalalallalalalallallaallaalalalalalalalalal
Blood blood blood violence
So interesting for people
With their crime shows
And sieral killer documentaries

Is that what I need to do to have someone care? Kill another person?

Hey pay attention
Don’t fucking leave
Don’t leave me alone
Stop ignoring me
I’ll do it
I’ll do it
Don’t fucking test me
I’ll do it

Please don’t leave
Please
Please please
Don’t leave me alone

Please dont
I can’t stand it
It’s so quiet
And I’m stuck here with myself
I don’t like the side of me that comes out
When I’m alone
Please don’t go
Please just stay

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

I'm sorry to say crazy people drive people away. And a lot of the thoughts your expressing are concerning but not crazy. I think your just having a melt down.

It's ok to feel these things, I feel them myself. There is an issue tho. I've been put in mental hospitals for speaking my mind the way you are now... I would be careful if I were you. I've learned to keep things to myself.

I feel alone a lot. I am alone a lot, and even my own family drive me away. But that's because I'm the opposite of what you want. I have been taken advantage of by family I've been abused. Mentally and physically harrased. I ran from them the first chance I got. But not without a bit of damage. Disabilities given to me. Trauma. And a few others.






But just because you don't have anything or nothing diagnosed ATLEAST. Doesnt mean your issues aren't valid. You have every right to feel the way you do. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone or yourself. And makes you feel better. I think it's ok.


I'll be open to talk. Open to listen. Open to be there. But perhaps you should sleep. It's late. And I think some sleep. Food. And water will help you. Even if it's only a little

 

[Shawdios]

I'm sorry to say crazy people drive people away. And a lot of the thoughts your expressing are concerning but not crazy. I think your just having a melt down.

It's ok to feel these things, I feel them myself. There is an issue tho. I've been put in mental hospitals for speaking my mind the way you are now... I would be careful if I were you. I've learned to keep things to myself.

I feel alone a lot. I am alone a lot, and even my own family drive me away. But that's because I'm the opposite of what you want. I have been taken advantage of by family I've been abused. Mentally and physically harrased. I ran from them the first chance I got. But not without a bit of damage. Disabilities given to me. Trauma. And a few others.






But just because you don't have anything or nothing diagnosed ATLEAST. Doesnt mean your issues aren't valid. You have every right to feel the way you do. As long as it doesn't hurt anyone or yourself. And makes you feel better. I think it's ok.


I'll be open to talk. Open to listen. Open to be there. But perhaps you should sleep. It's late. And I think some sleep. Food. And water will help you. Even if it's only a little

Hey there, uh, next day Shawn here to come and pick up after 3am me.

Thank you

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

Hey there, uh, next day Shawn here to come and pick up after 3am me.

Thank you

Your welcome

 

[Shawdios]

There no fucking privacy in my house
The wifi tracks whoever is on it
Theres fucking camaras in the living room and hallways

My mother just fucking NEEDS control over every fucking thing
She logged into my gmail on her phone so she get every notification

So now every email and google chat message i get
She gets a notification for
So now i have to turn off notifications
And risk being an asshole to my friends

she recently just deleted all of my "chapter updated" emails from AO3
which means
yes
she does look at my emails

Salfhgjasfgahdfjgd;lfg
And she wonders why i sneak around

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

My mom also had cameras in the house watching me. The only safe place was the bathroom and my bedroom. Though she never had my email. I never let her

 

[Shawdios]

oh the urge to just
fall off the face of the earth
leaving no trace

not in a death way though
just
run off into a forest and disappear
making a new life for myself

I've got four separate people (+roleplay partners)
that I need to consistently talk to
and keep up with

Right now I just want to throw all comunication out
and sleep
or draw

I wanna just restart everything
get myself a do over
where no one remembers me
and I forge new connections

but then I seem like asshole
and I dont mean to be
cause I do cherish the connections I have

Im simply unsatisfied for no reason
so the urge to burn every bridge and run off
or fake my death and move north
is very appealing

I wanna run so far from everything
so I dont have to worry about hurting people Im close to

I dont want responsibility
or have my friend's mental health in my hands
I want to help them
but I cant

I dont know how to help
so im wanting to run away
but I cant

I can't just leave them
to deal with it on their own
they've helped me
and friendship is a two way street

I dont want to just take and run
they're the only friend
who seen how fucked up I am and said
"you're not scary to me"
and who's stuck with me

that means so much to me
they can't even comprehend how much it means to me

I would literally hunt someone down for them
I would walk through hell for them
I would move heaven and earth if the said they needed me to

its probably not healthy
its likely for sure not healthy

but at the same time
I want to abandon everything
and leave my family
my friends
my home

I need something NEW
so I want uproot myself
And just: Go

but obviously I can't just
leave everything

im stuck
anchored with these connections
the strings that I crave to take a blade to

so instead ill rant and rave
and avoid people

 

[Shawdios]

god im so fucking tired

ive got two aqauntances/friends wanting to ecsenally role-play,
(they deny its role-play and call it a "script" but ik what it is)

and I can't get myself to say no
or tell them im not up for it

I took a break from roleplaying for a reason

cause I was burnt out
from writing so much
and now im no longer in a writing mood

writing just isn't satisfying at the moment
and ive got no ideas for writing

ive been drawing more
because its satisfying like how writing was

every so often
I switch from a writing mood to a drawing mood
and vice versa

but others just dont understand that
and Im always scared they think im making up excuses

and the switch could last for months!
I could not want to write for six months
then switch back and regain interest
in the role-plays I had left behind

but another thing is
one of the friends is just
a shit role-player

I will not deny it here
his responses are riddled with god moding and marysue/garysue characters

I fucking can't RP with that
it kills my interest so fucking quick

NOT TO MENTION IM SUPPOSED TO BE ON A FUCKING BREAK FROM RPING

and I can't just tell them I'm likely in a depressive episode right now

so now im really tired and craving both socialization and being alone
I apologize profusely to my Rp partners on here
ill try to rest and get back to yall

 

[Shawdios]

ok so now that I think about it
and look back at previous rants

im likely depressed rn

nothing is satisfying
im pushing away everyone
I want to just sleep
im so so fucking tired
im just picking at snacks
and barely eating
because food isn't satisfying and feels like a chore

this has been going on for the past month or so

the only thing bringing feeling is SH
and Im trying to stop that
the stuff on my shoulder is fading
and the redness is leaving

but ive only moved the location
because prom is coming up

and fuck im not looking forward to anything
everything is bad rn
im fucking sad and shit
im tired
oh so fucking tired

I can't do this
why do I have to deal with this

why can't I be happy
I feel like im a shit friend
and someone who just takes and takes

I tell them to ask their parents for help
to tell their parents that their ocd got worse
to the point where they accidentally pretty seriously injured themself

meanwhile
im digging blades into skin
injuring myself with intent to do so
and having borderline panic attacks about hiding it from my parents

im such a fucking hypocrite

and I can't help them

I dont know what its like
to have ocd
I dont struggle with that

all I can do is be there and listen
and I can't even do that half the time
because im not supposed to be in contact with the friend

id do anything for them
but I dont know what it is I need to do
and I hate that
I hate that I can't help

my best friend is suffering and I dont know how to help
I-
it hurts so much
that I can't help

and I get that's not my fault
but that doesn't change the fact that Im shit at comfort

and ik im gonna hear
"you're struggling too! you can't be there for your friend in this state"
but fuck
im still gonna feel like shit regardless

im a people pleaser
haven't yall gotten that by now?
I sacrifice myself for everyone else
I dont matter in my brain
but I also matter so much

because you better fucking answer me when I text oh my fucking god answer dont leave me waiting ten fucking minutes or an hour I get you were busy but oh my fucking god I answer every text you send right after you send it why can't you do the same you fucking bitch you've pulled the oh I was busy excuse seven times now- "oh nah its fine, people get busy I understand"

im just full of paradoxes

because, oh shit oh shit I missed their text oh fuck they were panicking and coming to me for help oh fuck shitshitshitshitshit "oh shit im so sorry, I couldn't reach the computer, what's wrong? what caused the panic?" shitshisthsithsihtshtithsshtishtithi im a shit friend I missed their text their gonna think I ignored them they're hurting and I missed their text fuck fuckfuckfuckfuckfufckfcukfucfkufkcukcucufkcukukfcukfuck I can't help with this I dont have any thing I could say the would help fuckfufkcufkcufkcukfcukfufkcku k their gonna think I dont care oh shit fuck I can't help I can't help I can't help I can't help im not shit because I can't help right? they helped me but I can't help them of course im a shit friend fuck-

im doing just fucking fantastic yk

(im talking about two separate people in this last bit by the way)

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

Have you been diagnosed with depression?? If you get diagnosed they can give you medicine. It might help.

 

[Shawdios]

Have you been diagnosed with depression?? If you get diagnosed they can give you medicine. It might help.

not yet no, same boat as my friend, i need to convince my parents to get me help.
but ik my mother would ignore it and say i don't need medication because how against "poping pills" she is

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

not yet no, same boat as my friend, i need to convince my parents to get me help.
but ik my mother would ignore it and say i don't need medication because how against "poping pills" she is

Your mom sounds like my mom a little. She was really strict. I feel ya. Hang in there bud

 

[Shawdios]

In case you didn't know
I have hyper realistic dreams sometimes

Some to the point
where i'm no longer sure
if my memory of it was actually reality or not

My latest dream i'm very sure its not reality
Due to me having wings in it
Everything else was pretty normal

But i'm not here to talk about that

I'm here to talk about
How I remember exactly how having those wings felt

What moving the muscles
and how my brain sent the signals to move them felt like
The exact signals and effort it took
How someone brushing against their feathers sent shivers
The shifting and softness of said feather against my back
As i walked and the wind blew
How it felt for them to be pushed against a wall as i leaned on one

Then i woke up
And felt the phantom feelings of stretching them
And the joints that were between my shoulders
How light my back felt with them gone
The vague sense of Wrong i felt

It felt like i was genuinely missing a pair of limbs
That should be there but weren’t

I know that the memory of those experiences will fade
That the dream will fade back into my subconscious
But fuck does that bother me

They were so fulfilling
And now they’re gone

It saddens me to no fucking end
That i do not have wings
And never will again

Or at least never will feel like i do anytime soon
Because it was a dream
And dreams can sometimes
Very rarely
Play themselves again

But right now?
I feel incomplete



Because I now know this experience i can never have in reality
I've felt what it was like to fly before
In my hyper realistic dreams

You’ll never know what it was like for me
To just grab two rightly sized sticks and take off
Or pinwheel my legs like i was riding a bike
And simply
Go up

into the clouds and see the world from so high up
Knowing i can trust my flight to not let me fall
To drift on the winds
And fly above the sea

Freely able to traverse the skies

Now though
Now?
i have the memory of wings in my head
The memory of the muscles in my back
Moving those wings

But i never flew in that dream
No
I had stayed on the ground

And oh how i long to merge those experiences

How i plead to fall back asleep and have the dream i wish

Maybe i was a bird in a past life

But in this one
I wish i was born with wings

Hyper realistic dreams make me wonder sometimes
if a realistic dream i have is simply
Me catching a glimpse of an alternate reality
They feel so realistic

I have distinct memories of being another person
And the thoughts they’d have being thoughts i had thunk
In the moments that i was the person in my dream

The very sharp sense of worry for trinemates i’d left behind
Or the feeling of your wings shifting
Is simply something others will never understand


But other times?
My dream is just
Me going about my daily life

And
The pure fear of not knowing
What memories of the past are real or not
When you wake up for one of those

Is why i hate it when people try to gaslight me
Simply for fun
Or for a purely innocent joke
Because my memory is shit
And i have hyper realistic dreams
Which fucks with my shit memory even further

 

[Nokumi dreemur]

I have dreams like that sometimes- though more for nightmares because of night terrors. Rarely I’ll get one of those good dreams. But oddly for me i find that certain dreams replay yearly for me. When I was Little I had this re-accuring dream that I was in the forest and I was with a friend. Then all the sudden I was sneaking up on forest dwarfs or maybe gnomes im unsure Even With how many times I saw it. After that each time I dreamt it I got further and further into the dream. I still have that dream Even to this day tho at some point my friend vanishes. I think it’s when I’m running from the gnomes or what ever.

Point is you’re not alone in these dreams And just have Hope that it will happen again. If you believe then surely there’s a better chance of it

 

[Anakisuto]

Hello there! After reading all of this thread, I can see you're really going through some stuff. If you want to talk about it privately, my PMs are open, and I'd be more than happy to help you through whatever you're going through. I never got help for issues I had in the past, and I know how it feels to not have a shoulder to cry on and/or someone in your corner to be there for you.