Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

So I relapsed this morning.
Pretty badly too.

.
.
.

I wish I had my brushes on me
I wanna see paint
I wanna fill this canvas
Full of these lines and curves
These beautiful lines and curves

I wanna make artful stripes
Filled with my hurt
Born of pain and sick pleasure

I want to dip brushes into my paint
That mesmerizing red paint
And color everything in it’s pretty color

That sting of the strokes
As they dry and grow pink

It’s an art
An art of sickness
But an art nonetheless

 

[Shawdios]

I wanna be mad with myself.
I want to
But I’m just scheming for my next chance
It all I can fucking think about right now.
I need to just-
Throw the brushes away.

So I can’t access them

But that temptation is so strong

I don’t know what’s triggered such a craving for it
Usually I can just procrastinate it
And keep clean that way
But it’s like it’s taken over my head

I’m dying to get home now
And take another shower
So I can paint

It’s
It’s as bad as those first few months
Where I took my brushes to co-op
And painted between classes

That rush of hiding and risking being caught
Alongside the pleasure of seeing blood spill?
It was addicting.
Over the summer it died down
But now it’s back

I wanna hide in the bathroom
and carve up my shoulders and chest
Between classes

The temptation to move downwards on my arms
Since winter is coming
Is strong as well

Maybe it’s from finding out my friend is becoming friends with Toxic
I hate her
Yet miss her so much
I want to tear her apart
Cut her to bloody pieces
Yet also lay in the grass
And have her lean on me
Or talk to her for hours

I don’t know if she was someone I ended up genuinely in love with
But I fucking hate her
And crave being around her
I want it back
But I know it’s bad
I know she was the main factor that ruined me
But I want that high I felt when I was talking to her
I fucking want that back

But I’m also terrified of her.
I’m terrified of running into her
I’m terrified of falling back into talking to her.

I hate her
I love her
I’m scared of her
I don’t know why it’s changing so fast

I fucking wish I never met her
I wish she came to volunteering
So I could see her again
But I’m terrified of seeing her again
It’s so many things
I don’t know

I want my brushes
I want Toxic back
I want to be bloody and ruined for her
So she can see how bad things were

I want to cover this canvas in paintings
And walk around in a two piece
I want to scream and shout
Screech and cry

I don’t want to die though
At least I don’t think so
I just want to be so visibly broken
That no one can look away
I want to be that flaming car on a highway
That halts all trafic
Screaming LOOK AT ME
And getting it.

Thoughts and prayers
Thoughts and prayers
Thoughts and fucking prayers

I want to hurt everyone around me
So that I can deserve how shit I feel
I want to go up in a bout of flames
A tragic story with a tragic end

Fucking christ

I’m never gonna amount to anything
I can’t see myself as a grown up
I just cant
I don’t expect to be an adult
i know I’m gonna somehow die young
Not by my own hand
I don’t have the guts for that
But somehow

I’ve nearly died several times from cars alone
I’m apparently allergic to apples now
I could suffocate from just relaxing in a pool
I just don’t want to go through shit anymore

“What does your life look like to you in five years?”

Bitch I just hope I’m alive in five years.
I see myself as potentially dead
or living in a shitty apartment as a whore or some shit
That’s what I fucking see.
I see myself covered in marks
And stumbling through life

There’s a fucking reason Fall is someone I avoid writing.
Because that stumbling addiction riddled mess is me
It’s me as an adult

 

[Shawdios]

my lights fell down.
I’m

I don’t

I’m crying now
And laughing

Because of course they finally fell
I fell didnt I?


And I’m still not gonna fucking fix the lights
Because it’s too much fucking effort
I wanna tear them from my room’s fucking walls
I wanna tear them to shreds
I wanna

I know why them falling down bothers me so much
Because
It’s a symbol for my mental health
They’ve been slowly popping each hook
And now they finally popped the last one on the left side of the room
On the day I fucking relapsed
And am breaking down on

It’s always on the days
where there’s something I’ve been looking forward to
for months

Always.

I don’t know what to fucking do

I just feel like shit
And it’s too much
Right now

 

[Shawdios]

(Typed out in my notes app last night)

I really needed that concert.
That.
I had an absolute blast
First band was eh
Second band brought me to tears (twice) from the themes of songs
And the message they played in the middle of their set
Third band rocked my shit from having fun

I’m tired now
But not in a negative way
I’m on the verge of sleep from head banging and screaming out lyrics
Along with calves that ache

I fixed my lights,
Somewhat.
It’s not completely fixed
But it is better and not in the way to be tripped over
The things it knocked down
I have yet to fix though.


I’m probably gonna feel like shit tomorrow though.

.
.
.
Whatever.
I’ll sleep anyway

 

[Shawdios]

(Typed out in notes app two days ago)



I don’t like group chats




Why?
I hear you not ask

Well because I hate how fast they move
It’s overwhelming
And I don’t know a lot of the people in one
At least any deeper than a surface level

I’m also realizing that I’m in a lower bracket than typical people I know when it comes to money

Because a lot of the girls at church my age drive
Some even have their own cars

And dropping 25$ for ninety minutes at a trampoline park
Doesn’t phase anyone in this new group chat that much

I’m sorry what?
No!
Fuck no!
I’m not droppin 25$
For just an hour and a half of fun
Fuck no.
I can go roller skating for three hours five whole times with that money

And I know that if I want to go hang out with friends from volunteering
It’s not going to be paid for by my mother as a family thing
It’s coming out of MY pocket.
And fuck no
I’m not gonna pay 25$ for something
Where I’m not going to have a physical item in exchange

I feel so broke when people talk about hang outs and vacations
Because best friend just went to the beach.
In Florida.
In rented place next to the beach.
And they offered me coming along when I’m old enough to not have my mother breathing down my back.

Same friend who got me thirty dollar plush for birthday.

This beach trip is an annual thing.

I just-
Its wild to me?
It blows my mind.

The last vacation I went on?
Two years ago.
And we went on a five hour drive to a nearby beach and camped.

We shop at thrift stores.
I was taught from a young age how to get the best deal from food
By calculating ounces and price tag
Vacations were rare
Every two or three years at least
I never had a birthday party at a venue
And neither did my siblings

Taught not to waste the jelly or peanut butter on the sides of the jars
By taking a spatula and scraping

New phones?
Hell nah.
If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it
I’ve got an iPhone 6 and it’s still kicking
My dad’s got a 6S
Only reason my mother has a twelve is because of Grandmother getting new phone.
I’d be stuck with a 5 if that hadn’t happened.

Our grandmother pays for us to go to summer camp
Not us.

Money
Money
Money

That isn’t usually on my friend’s minds.
But it is for me
Milk is this much
And we go through this much a week

Groceries cost this much this week
Gas prices went up again
And one tank is 15 gallons
So that this much per fillup
And she fills up every week or two

How much does dad make?
Well if his friend makes this much in one week of work
and dad said the friend makes three times more than him

Etc.
Etc.
Etc.

It is a constant for me.

I’m not poor though.
That I do know and won’t claim.
I have food
I have water
I have comfortable living space

I asked my mother one day where she’d say we land,
And I got Lower-middle class as an answer.
Which makes sense.

But.
Homeschooling is expensive.
Co-ops specifically.
I know how much is spent per year for just one of us.
You could buy a brand new car outright with the money over the years.

I’m purposefully not dropping any numbers.
Because one,
They make me uncomfortable
Just seeing them
and two,
it’s highly personal
And I’m not that dumb.

I’m highly parinoid about money
Yet also number blind.
I dropped 100$ on the two volumes of lackadaisy’s hardcover comics and one concept art book
I also spent 130$ on vinyls
That I can’t even play.

I WANTED
To spend 200$ on the four lackadaisy plushies.
But my mother refused to let me spend my money on them

Money just
Is weird for me.
And it’s weird to see people treat going on yearly vacations,
being able to drive at sixteen
Having a newer phone,
As normal.

It’s just not how I grew up.
I grew up being taught how to get the most out of money
And to always pick the cheapest (but healthy) option.

I’m that person who goes
“No wait you don’t have to spend that much on me!!”
“ITS HOW MUCH?!?”
“Five dollars?? Why don’t we go to the gas station for ice cream instead?”

I hate going to restaurants.
I hate eating out.
I hate going to places with high prices.

Call me a cheep bastard
But I’ll keep my ease of mind by picking the 5 dollar three hours of fun
Over the 25 dollar ninety minutes

 

[Shawdios]

Ugh.
Romance.
Romance, romance, romance.
Why is that all most people want in an RP?

I was scrolling through the 1x1 interest check
And I avoid all fandom tagged checks
Because A, I usually don’t know the fandom
And B, it’s usually Romance.
And any damn time I find someone not looking for romance
I’m barred by a Age limit.

Just can’t fucking win.
This is why I stuck to waiting for people to come to me.
Because then I don’t get my hopes up when I click on a thread
And I read to the bottom thinking
“wow! This person seems fun, they’ve got some cool plot ideas!”
Then be slapped with
“Please be 18+!”

OR!

I get my hopes up with the rules not saying anything about age
And then all the plots are ship plots.
Or they want to double


I’m aware I’m picky.
But damnit.
It’s fucking frustrating.

Group RPs are a fickle thing for me.
Once in a blue moon do I find one interesting.
Then they either die within two posts,
Or never even get off the fucking ground.
OR. IM BARRED BY DISCORD BEING REQUIRED.
OR. AN AGE REQUIREMENT.
ARGHHHHHH
FUCKING FUCINK

I just stick to 1x1.
It’s easier.
Every time I poke my head out, I’m burned.

Regardless.
I do have a new RP in the discussion stage, hopefully it goes well.
And if it doesn’t?
Too bad, at least I’ve got my nearly a year long one.

Two months and it’s Anniversary time of the RP partner reaching out to me baybeeeeeeeeee
Never had a RP last that long here

I do wanna try sci-fi!
I love sci-fi and reading sci-fi
But when it comes to sci-fi RPs?
I’m insanely picky.
Which isn’t helped by the sheer lack of them
I love playing a homebrew race
maybe I’ll even break out my Magolor themed character
I’d love to mess around with the concepts he had
But without the responsibility of playing a cannon character

The ideas (headcannons) about his race (Halacondrian or some shit)
That I had back in the day.
Along with the idea of a sentient dimension hopping ship. (Aka: Lor Starcutter)

Maybe I could create a group Rp, that allowed character from any world to join
With the premise of a Dimension hopping ship now taking on passengers as a inter dimensional taxi
Murder Mystery ensues???
Maybe it crashes???
And they all have to survive together???

Oooo.
Murder on the Lor
A murder mystery RP

After booking a Ticket on the Starship Lor for a once in a lifetime trip to another dimension, a few days after boarding and settling in for the two week long trip, the dead body of the Lor’s captain is discovered.

The ship is in anguish and refuses to land until the murderer is found. Who did it? Who had the ability to black out the Lor long enough to kill the captain? Why would someone even kill him?

>:]
I have a plot twist in mind, but I would want it to be a surprise for the RPers that show interest.

 

[Shawdios]

So I find the fact that
I never need to brush my hair
Really fucking funny

It’s not short either,
Er
It’s short for someone female (in the Bible Belt anyway)
But long for someone male

Anyway!
The reason why I never need to
Is because my most common stim
Is to comb through my hair with my fingers
And to scrape the edges of my hairline with my nail

My hairbrush is only ever used when I get out of the shower
Because the moisture makes my hair cling to my fingers
And stick it to them too

It’s probably why my hair is really oily
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Maybe or maybe not

 

[Shawdios]

I watched a video on Ace representation in media
so im a ace rant again



I get so pissed off by people sexualizing Transformers.
They are a non biological race of aliens
where reproduction consists of nothing involving sex
how in the ever-loving fuck,
do you gather a sexual relationship from that?

I get people want to see repression in the media they love
and that most people are alleo
but fuck
dont erase the few reps of asexuals that exist
(im pointedly not saying Aromantic)
even if its arguably counterproductive rep since they are aliens

giving them the mechanical version of dicks and vaginas
and having them lust after each other
just-
its not something that works with their cannon

yea yea I hear you
ITS JUST FANWORKS PEOPLE CAN DO WHAT THEY WANT
THERES THIS THING CALLED AUS YK

and im not saying the work is horrible because they gave them a sexual based reproductive system
there are highly well written works out there in the TF fandom with that

but the god tier fics in my opinion?
are the ones that embrace their alienness
the ones that get creative

"War Without End" a fic I adore, explores other options.
I certainly wouldn't call things asexual
But at least they are creative, and instead of sex being done with "spikes" and "valves"
the brief "sex" scene is them just being close and toying with wires
and repopulation through spark splitting is explored by the characters.
its a nice Fic series where sex isn't a focus
but looming extinction is a plot point


then there's the Xenoethnography Fic series
oh god this series
I love it so much
it focuses on the alienness of them
and very very tastefully handles that fact
(as shown by the series title being what it is, Xeno meaning Alien and Ethnography being the scientific description of human customs and culture)
while also being a pleasant mesh of all the various Transformer continuities
its also a good work for those who may not be familiar with Transformers!

those are the only two I can recall as works I adore that breach the topic of Sex and reproduction, but dont go the Spike and Valve route
there are a good amount of works that keep them asexual as they should be, but its not a focus either

Again.
talking about Asexuality
NOT Aromanticism
Because they can have romantic relationships even as aliens who dont experience sexual things

the common term in the TF fandom for anything sexual, is interfacing
for some fans, its basically two characters having sex with mechanical reproductive parts
for others, its two characters playing with eachother's sparks (Their soul, for those reading that may not be familiar) and wires, with it basically resulting in a sexual pleasure for the characters
and sometimes its just a intimate sharing of files and highly intimate act of trust by letting firewalls down and allowing the partner(s) in their code

the last is my personal favorite if im reading a ship fic,
because its not sexual in a biological form.

its hard to explain without hunting down the fics
that I dont remember the names of
but as someone who is Aro Acespec,
I adore the creative side of the TF fandom
who dont just project humanity onto this alien race
and actually explore how they are alien

and yes, maybe the Ace rep I receive through those fans
is a main contributing factor of my adoration
so sue me if I identify as ace and prefer to relate to aliens
I dont exactly like my protein bubble sac brethren

 

[Shawdios]

I ended up spiraling in the previous rant
but I wanted to talk about being aromantic
And just the sheer lack of awareness or care for those who are it

I dont desire being in a romantic relationship
Nor do I desire romantic acts towards me
no one has ever sparked my interest in a “I want to spend my life with this person, kissing and getting married to them” way
Yes there’s been “Oh my god this person looks so damn cool and interesting, I wanna talk to them so bad,”

But it’s always me really wanting to be friends

Never, “I really wanna go on a date with them and hold their hand, they look so cool,”

Yes I am lonely.
But that’s because I have no friends

I do not see myself being in a relationship
And I don’t understand the feelings my sister tried to explain when she was in one

I personally would only ever be in a relationship for sex

“But you’re Ace?”

Ace-spec.

Cupiosexual to be specific
Meaning I desire a sexual relationship
But I’m not sexually attracted to anyone

The best I can describe it is that actions are what I care about, not appearance.
Along with not caring about what junk is down there, pleasure is pleasure.
Who it’s done with doesn’t matter to me

I don’t like using the Ace label
Mostly because I feel like I’m doing it dirty by wanting the act of sex

Hell maybe I’m not even Ace and my brain just can’t label sexual attraction

In that case I’m either a lesbian or Pan

I might be a aro pan. Or I’m just hypersexual from being exposed to explicit stuff at a young age

Idfk anymore.
My brain decides to toss mental images at me of every person I know whenever the topics get dirty
And it’s fucking horrifying sometimes

Like right now
Every damn time
And
What the fuck
Just what the fuck brain?

Stop it brain
Stop it brain
Thats illegal
That’s disgusting
Use my characters, not them
What the fuck
Stop
Get yourself out of the gutter

I hate this
I hate my brain for doing shit like this
I hate it

 

[Shawdios]

Of course she’s here.
Of fucking course.

.
.
.

So I went roller skating
Like I do every third Friday of the month
That sounds highly specific of time frame I know
It’s just how my schedule has lined up
Anyway.
Toxic shows up.

At first I didn’t notice
Because I skate with my glasses off in case I fall
“But how can you see???”
I don’t need details to know there’s someone in front of me
that I need to go around
It’s not like my vision goes pitch black with them off

I’m avoiding the original topic, I know

I noticed her when I sat down to take a break
I put my glasses on to see details of people around me
And whaddaya know?
The bitch is two tables down from us

That moment
It
My heart fucking dropped
My mood plummeted
And all I wanted throughout that whole two hours
Was for her to say SOMETHING to me
I know she noticed me there
The not so discreet looks told me that
We made eye contact several times

I just wish I knew what she said to the friend she was with
Was she talking shit about me?
When she was the one who was the destructive one?
I’ll admit I probably wasn’t the best either
But she dragged me down with her being popular bullshit
“Oh well, sorry they’re gonna think you’re weird and then that im weird”
My reply at the time?
“Pfft im used to that shit, I embrace my weirdness, but alright, fine”

When if you were to look inside my brain
I am terrified of people thinking I’m weird
Terrified of friends thinking im weird and leaving me out of things
But it does have a semblance of truth in it
I am used to being the weird kid
Im used to being the one left out
Im used to being dropped like a bag of shit

But it fucking hurts
And it’s why I clung
Even when I saw the red flags
Because I wanted to be cared about
Sure
Maybe there was guilt tripping when I didn’t pick up the phone
But at least someone wanted me to pick up the fucking phone
Someone wanted my company
That’s all that I cared about
I felt fucking special
And it just

It ruined me
Maybe it wasn’t her
Maybe it was the circumstance
Maybe it was me
But fuck
Im hurt
And still hurting
Because of it

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

NOTE:

I get really dark this time, so im putting it in a spoiler for those who may not want to read this for the sake of their mental health.

I describe various ways to kill yourself, some of which are pretty in depth, a past (and the only) attempt of mine, along with a little tangent on depression.

so again, warning for that.

the overall topic of this is suicide, you've been warned.

if any of this bothers you, please do not read. I dont want to cause anyone's breakdown or dark thoughts.

(I would also like to note that I'm not planing on killing myself, I just need to get this ramble/rant out of my system)

Spoiler

Y’know, ive thought about it

Killin myself

(Ooooo so melodramatic, I know)

And, no, i dont wish to kill myself right now, dont worry,

It's just,
There’s an oc of mine that i was thinking about,
At a certain point of his story,
He’s suicidal,
And it's hard to RP him that way,

Not cause it doesn't fit his personality,
It does, it very much does,
or that I dont know how to write it,
I do, too much so, that's the problem.

It reminds me too much of myself,
A lot of the character reminds me of myself,
But he’s not me,
He’s just got a little piece,
The other bits remind me of my mother,
that's a whole other ball of wax,

can you tell I like to psychoanalyze myself using how I write my OC's?

Anyway,
I once had a breakdown while RPing him a few years ago,
(He was actively trying to kill himself, and was being stopped)
Cause it made me think of a time when i was younger

I had just been yelled at for around three-ish hours for RPing on a site
And, i remember crying and telling my little sister-
Who had the bad luck to check on me,
-To get me a knife,

She actually got it for me,
She was six or seven years old,
She had no clue why i would want it,
But got it for me anyway cause she trusted me,

My older sister wasn't as naive,
I think she saw my younger sister enter my room with it,
I don't know,
i either never found out or forgot how she knew,
But she snatched it from me,
And i distinctly remember her terrified face,

She told me to never do what she knew i was gonna do,
And that she had friends who wanted the same,
Then she left my 10 or 11 year old self to their numbness,

That is the closest i ever came to doing it.
Cause every now and then,
I do think about how i could kill myself,

About how easy it would be to open my window,
Tie my hands behind my back,
And sit on the sill,
before leaning and losing my balance,

Or about how i could use a purse strap and my bedroom door to hang myself,
How I could break my mirror and cut an artery with the shards,
Or take all the medication in the kitchen cupboard that's there for emergencies,

I could do it any which way i imagine,
Doesn't mean I will.

Ill never get any place past thinking about it,
I'm too much of a coward to do it.

But

That time when i was younger,
I don’t know if i wouldn’t have done it if i wasn’t stopped,
And that scares me,

It scares me cause i know i get depressed,
I know, because i push people away and curl up in my bed
I know, because everything becomes so hard to do,
I know, because i cry for no goddamn reason at these times
And sometimes, i do know the reason,

But i lose all my motivation,
I lose all satisfaction from things,
I lose wanting.
Sleep and music is all i need when im like this,
Food is a frivolity

though, I do get better with time,
I find my motivation again,
I talk to my friends,
I laugh,

I cry,
It’s just so hard to re-find that and feel better when i live the way i do,
And i fear that i'll approach that line
And cross it with no one to stop me one day,

But that’s not today,
And that oc isn’t a “sad emo boy uwu angsty”
No,
He’s a person beat down by circumstance and life,
Who just wants to be with his brothers.
And that's where mine and his motivations differ,
But they still are similar,

He has the hesitation,
The knowledge of how,
And constant thinking of how,
But never having the guts,
The want to be happy again,
but being unable to,
And instead deciding to stop hurting,
The frustration of having a “but there’s so much to live for!” speech thrown in your face,
with the same person completely disregard your reasons and refuse to listen.

But also wanting to be with someone who you believe to be dead,
That’s not something me and the character share,

But it’s how his story gets better,
his brothers aren’t dead,
he just believes them to be,
So when he finds them,
he loses the motivation for dieing,

Doesn't mean “Yay! He’s cured of bad thoughts!”
That’s not how it works,
There’s still issues that need healing,
But he regrets thinking the way he did and occasionally still does,
and eventually feels better than he did,

I would like to reiterate im not suicidal,
I was, but I plan on living, RPing, and doing art for a long time.

thank you for reading, and I hope that if anyone feels how I did, that you find a kindred soul in me and comfort in knowing you are not alone.

holy shit I’m not alone?

edit removed because tmi

 

[Shawdios]

holy shit I’m not alone?

edit: also 18.2 , the 'hurt me so I can be comforted' thing, as well as the part about needing a reason for not being okay hit damn hard, I am suicidal and do sh on occasion, but I really don't have any reason to. Like school is fine, besides being deadnamed and stuff, home is fine, i just need a fucking reason to not be okay.

I offer you so so many virtual hugs, not sure how far into this rabbit hole of mine you’ve gotten, but you most certainly are not alone

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I offer you so so many virtual hugs, not sure how far into this rabbit hole of mine you’ve gotten, but you most certainly are not alone

page 2, am bored and want to look at someone’s problems and hope that they are now okay.

 

[Shawdios]

page 2, am bored and want to look at someone’s problems and hope that they are now okay.

I am doing somewhat better than page two, but currently going through a dip

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I am doing somewhat better than page two, but currently going through a dip

that’s good, but not good. I hope you survive. Go to any of our PM messages if you need depressing songs, I have a few if you need.

 

[Shawdios]

I’m procrastinating homework

I need to write a short story
about me waking up suddenly twenty years in the future

Two issues
One
I have no fucking clue what the future would be like
Nor can I picture one with a view on it that a Christian would approve of
And two
I hate writing first person
ESPECIALLY FROM MY OWN PERSPECTIVE

it feels so cringe
And fake
I don’t like myself
I’m aware of that now
I really don’t like myself
Yet am self centered at the same time
Im so full of hot air when confronted about this
What? Oh I’m different?
Pfft yeah I fucking know that
Yeah I’m weird
I like being around fellow weird people

I wish I had a reason for all this self hate
An obvious reason I mean
You may think that things don’t get to you
That you can just brush comments off
“Yeah I’m the fuck up, so what?”
Or deflect them with an “ik”
But they stick.
Oh boy do they stick and you don’t even know it
Subconsciously you change
And you don’t realize till you’re barely able to look in the mirror

I wanna say fuck it and just curl up and die
But ik I won’t

Im tempted to take the 0 on the assignment
But I know I’ll pound it out tomorrow
By some fucking miracle

Ik why this assignment is bothering me so much

Because I can’t picture the future as something
Something able to be lived in
Or happy

I don’t see myself growing old
I’m a passive suicidal
I won’t ever do it myself
But if I died in an accident tomorrow
I wouldn’t fucking mind

But I would
I wanna do art
I wanna write
I wanna be happy

But life sucks
My family sucks
I got a new phone
And I hate it for destroying my ability to be on rpnation with out being tracked

So uh yeah
If you see me disappear from the forums
I probably got caught
And either had my device privileges taking from me
Or the account was locked and deleted (or whatever on here)

I hate life
I hate it
But I love art
And writing
I hate me
The only time I feel good about myself
is when I’m dressed in a classy button up and classy vest or suit piece with my paper top hat
I wanna chop off all my hair
I wanna slash my chest to oblivion
I dont want to fear being alone at night

I hate you mother
I fucking despise you
I wanna be able to be on Rpnation without fearing you
I wanna talk to my best friend without having to lie about who they are
Fuck you dad too while I’m at it
You may be agnostic as far as I know
But you still wouldn’t approve
Fuck my country
Fuck God if it’s real
Fuck all of the Christians who say love thy neighbor
But then turn around and scream at anyone different from them
Fuck everyone
Fuck all you fuckers
I just wanna exist
I just wanna live
I don’t want to hate me
You broke me and made me despise myself
I don’t know how
But cha did
Despite my disagreement towards you
Fucking thanks
I guess

 

[Shawdios]

Im just gonna take the 0
i dont care anymore

I text people
And i get no response period
This is why i don't bother
Fucking

Three separate people.
I wanna try and be friends with
But this shit is why i dont wanna try

 

[Shawdios]

I hate how I’m invisible most of the time
And how used to it I am

I remember how someone just randomly said “Hi [my onpaper name]” one time
And I was just so confused and off put by being addressed

It’s like that one audio
“The reason why you hate physical contact yet also crave it is because you’ve gone so long without it that your brain misperceives it as a threat”
I dont know if I’ve quoted it in verbatim but you get the idea

I crave peoples attention
Yet if someone random addresses me
It’s weird and I’m uncomfortable
On the internet it’s different
I can be whoever the fuck I want

I can be Shawn, the bee cryptid who’s an artist and a proud Aromantic non-binary

Rather than ____ the weird girl in the corner always with headphones and a sketch book or notebook who butts into conversations because she doesn’t know how else to start one

I can draw a sona who’s a robot
Or draw a me with really short hair and no breasts
But out here, out of the screen
I’m stuck with just above shoulder length hair and tits

There’s this internal disconnect
I don’t know how else to describe it
Like yes that’s me in the mirror
I don’t like me
But that’s me I guess

I hate skin tight clothes on my torso
Not from the feeling
I love the skin tight feeling
It’s how it looks
How there’s this obvious bump
Anything that shows off feminine body shape
I am uncomfortable with

UNLESS ITS A SUIT.

THIS THING
I LOVE
it’s a bit tight
But it brought so much serotonin
Along with my fav:
Button up and vest

Dressing up in “guy” fancy stuff
Best feeling

Dressing as a slutty upper class man = serotonin

Top hat and cane?
Three piece suit?
Slutty lil red clip on bow tie?
YAS.
I LOVE WEARING.

deadass be the penguin from Batman

Dressing classy
Tis the only time I feel good when looking in the mirror

Boots are another guilty pleasure
I’ve got a slowly building collection

I’m queer as fuck in case you couldn’t tell
Living under a Christian house

While my older sister gets to be the goth/Emo with black makeup and torn skirts

I get to be the closeted queer played off as a basic bitch with turtlenecks, five of the same exact t-shirt and black sweat pants, and boots.

(Younger sister doesn’t get allowed a personality or else she’ll end up like me *le gasp*)

I just want out of this house.
That’s it.

(Note, photos were from a while back when trying on them for previous Halloween)

 

[Chielite]

I hope you life improves soon. You were dealt a rough hand in life.

 

[Shawdios]

I hate this
I hate this
I hate this
I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate this I hate

 

[Shawdios]

(Damn I missed a chance for a funny joke, oh well)

“Write a poem describing you”
Does it have to be though?
What if I don’t know?
Who exactly I am

What if I have a fractured sense of self?
Will you accept a poem
That dances around the subject, Ma’am?
Please say yes
Because I don’t know if I can

I certainly hope so.
I don’t quite see myself as anything
To be truly worth describing
Nor do I know what would appease
And qualify as trying

Cut me some slack here?
I’m giving my best effort
To keep a good rapport
Without crumpling under the implications
And proceeding damnations

 

[Shawdios]

The urge to run off and fake my death is strong again
I want to cut from everyone that knows me
And start fresh
Gain a new life and disappear

But obviously that’s not possible

Maybe it’s having been inactive so long
that it feels more easy to disappear than to reinitiate
And I feel guilty that I’ve been busy and “can't seem to find time”
despite just spending two hours scrolling on YouTube
Yes I’ve had shit I needed to do
I’ve had to crochet my fingers off

(I still have more plushies to make)

But I’ve been drawing too
And writing little bits here and there
but not for the Roleplays I’m part of
and not even for my main solo project
its the violent writing with Ritz

I have these social commitments
And I can’t get myself to fullfill them.
fuck

 

[Shawdios]

Holly shit I just realized something.
The reason I’m very very sensitive to people touching my stuff
Is cause I had the “If you don’t pick up your shit, Ima throw it out!!” Punishment as a young kid

Or at the very least, my older sister did
I remember vividly seeing my mother “clean” my sisters room
She was absolutely pissed while doing it
picking up everything and tossing it into trash bags
I don’t remember what happened to the stuff
Whether it was snuck back inside or the punishment was never followed through fully
¯\_(ツ)_/¯

But I also had things I made torn to shreds as a punishment
I sewed a enderman plush out of felt and
I crocheted a tails plushie
With a sonic one to accompany him soon after

However
This:

Is all I have from those three.
And I think it’s cause I hid him
I don’t remember exactly how he survived
Either I hid him or the punishment to destroy him was only threatened

But my enderman plushie and Sonic plushie
THAT I MADE
were destroyed

Because I was sneaking onto electronics and hiding them in my room to play on at night

I was 11 I think
Or 10
Not sure
But It was during that “stealing” era

I didn’t steal anything from stores
I only took devices we no longer used
But it was always compared with the argument of
“If there was a chance to take someones car, you saying you’ll take it?”

I was having impulse control issues you fucking bitch
To the point where I felt like a puppet
And latched onto characters that got possessed
Or had their bodily autonomy stripped from them
Magolor: possessed by a evil crown and often headcannoned to having had to watch himself fight Kirby with no way to have any say
Spring Bonnie (the specifically the animatronic): had its body used for murder then housed said murderer for 30+ years

I wasn’t gonna steal from a store

The different punishments dished out in an attempt to get me to stop that I remember and how many times:

(Once) Forced to T-pose
(3+) My belongings destroyed
(Twice) Forced to watch a sextraficing documentary
(Always) Screaming
(Once) Hit with a belt
(Unknown) Tv remote/consoles locked up for undisclosed amount of time

Cameras were put in the house
Passwords are on everything
And I had to be watched whenever I was on a device

The problem THAT I HAD CONVEYED WITH:
I just can’t stop, I see a chance and I can’t leave it

Alongside how no matter the potential punishment
or hoops I had to jump through just to stay out of trouble
I still snuck onto devices

SOUNDS AWFULLY LIKE AN DRUG ADDICT
DOING WHATEVER THEY COULD TO GET THEIR DRUG DOES IT NOT?

But no
I “had no care for the other people in this house”
I was “willingly putting my sisters into danger”
And constantly asked “Why?”

When I didn’t even know myself
And conveyed whatever I could
Only for it to never be believed

I was the Lier
The Problem child
The Fuck up
The one yelled at first when something disappeared even if it wasn’t me
Then yelled at with a “Well you built that reputation for yourself!”
When whatever my sisters were discovered to be the culprit
and I got upset about being blamed for something I didn’t do

Anyway,
Back to my possession sensitivity

When I play on servers
Even when it’s only two of my friends
I hide my base
And hide my valuables
Because I hate my stuff being touched without me knowing

If they need something
All they have to do is ask and I’ll give it
Its them rummaging through my stuff that bothers me
Whenever they come over to my base
I check all the chests they open
Even though these are my best friends
I can't trust anyone looking through my things
I always think they'll touch something

Maybe it’s just a combination of the items being destroyed punishment,
sneaking around I did,
And ingrained paranoia I was taught to have

I don’t know

 

[Shawdios]

ya know, i came here to vent
then ended up spending an hour rereading all of my previous rants.
and now I've forgotten what i was originally upset about.

WAIT NO I REMEMBER
FUCK HARK
FUCK THE DESIGN I HAVE FOR HIM
PIECE OF SHIT
WHy DID I MAKE hIS hAIR THE WAy IT IS
FUCK HIS HAIR
ITS AN UTTER BITCH TO DRAW ADN KEEP CONSISTANT
FUCK IT
FUCK
IT
IM NOT REDISIGNING HIMM THOUGH
ILL JUST HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT
BUT GOD FUCKING DAMNIT IM GONNA BE ANGERY
WHENEVER THE SHAPE OF HIS HIAR FEELS OFF OR WONKY
FUCK SPELLING WHILE IM AT IT

(also, to the deary who is making a new thread every time they want to say something random, i love you, but please stop and use one singular thread. This aint tumblr, twiter, instagram, or any sort of social media site, what you're doing potentially counts as spam, and i'd like to stop having my notifications going off every time you make a new thread in personal discussion just to say the randomest shit ^-^ i mean this with the uttmost love ive got cause i dont wanna see someone rreporting you for spam and you geting a tempban)

(im realizing that sounds like passive agressive threat, shit. JUST PLEASE CONFINE YOUR RAMBLES TO ONE THREAD, IF YOU FEEL AS IF A TOPIC IS TOO HEAVY TO BE MIXED IN WITH THE MORE SOFTER STUFF, HAVE A SOFT TOPIC THREAD AND HAVE A HEAVY TOPIC THREAD, YOU CAN PUT TITLES IN THE THREAD MARKS OR AT THE TOP OF THE POST)

 

[Shawdios]

(Wrote this five days ago, but it’s relevant again)

I swear I’m working on RP replies now
It’s just hard to get back into the swing of writing



I weighed myself
Because my older sister
kept making comments about how she needs to lose weight
She doesn’t.
She really doesn’t.
She is a healthy weight.

She’s ~135 lbs
Which is HEALTHY.
OK?
SHE DOESNT NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT.
125-135 is HEALTHY FOR HER HEIGHT.
I AM 127
WHICH IS ON THE LOWER SIDE OF HEALTHY FOR MY HEIGHT
IF I DIP INTO THE 120’s AND LOWER
THAT IS UNHEALTHY
THAT IS UNDERWEIGHT
I USUALLY WEIGH 130-135
NOT 127
ME BEING UNDER 130 ISNT GOOD.

EVERYBODY STOP NITPICKING YOUR FUCKING WEIGHTS
WHAT MATTERS IS YOUR MUSCLE TO FAT RATIO
A BODY BUILDER THAT WEIGHS 200+ POUNDS
ARE THEY OVERWEIGHT?
FUCK NO
BECAUSE ALL THAT WEIGHT IS FUCKING MUSCLE
NOT FAT

AND YES
YOUR BODY IS SUPPOSED TO HAVE FAT
ITS WHAT CUSHIONS YOUR MUSCLES AND BONES
IT KEEPS YOUR BODY INSULATED
IT HAS A FUCKING PURPOSE

STAY AWAY FROM CERTAIN FOODS BECAUSE OF THE HARMFUL CHEMICALS, PRESERVATIVES, AND PESTICIDES IN THEM

NOT SUGAR OR CARBS
A POTATO IS OKAY TO EAT
THE ONLY TIME IT IS NOT IS WHEN IT IS GROWN WITH HARMFUL CHEMICAL PESTICIDES

I’m so fucking sick
of people who are healthy weights
Calling themselves fat
And BEING CALLED fat

Yes, maybe you need to go out more
Exercise more
But restricting what you eat?
Cutting down the portion sizes?
Don’t do it.

Mind you, some people cut out foods for other reasons.
But if it’s for the reason of “I’m too fat, I want to look skinny”
Don’t fucking do it.
Your body knows how much it needs


Yes you should stay away from eating fast food
But because it’s fucking expensive
It’s much cheaper to buy the ingredients and make it yourself

MODERATION.
EVERY FOOD IS OKAY
IN FUCKING MODERATION
YOU CAN HAVE CAKE
JUST DONT EAT IT EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR EVERY FUCKING MEAL
YOU CAN HAVE POTATOES
JUST DONT EAT IT EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR EVERY FUCKING MEAL
YOU CAN HAVE CANDY
JUST DONT EAT IT EVERY FUCKING DAY FOR EVERY FUCKING MEAL

WHY DOESN’T EVERYONE FUCKING GET THAT
ITS THAT FUCKING SIMPLE
TAKE EVERYTHING IN MODERATION

I’m losing weight
Because I’m not eating enough
I don’t exercise
I dont leave the house
I don’t do anything that majorly burns calories
And yet I’m losing weight?
In the winter no less
I’m not fucking eating enough
And I’m not intentionally doing so!

It’s cause there is nothing that is easy to eat
Or make
In the house anymore
We’ve run out of the easy foods
There’s no cereal I like
There’s no honey crisp apples
Nothing I can JUST GRAB
Other than yogurt
And I can’t eat more than one of those a day
There’s ice pops
And bread/tortilla shells I can munch
But that’s not a meal

If I’m not forced to make a meal
I’m not gonna make a meal
If there’s no easily grabable food
I’m not gonna eat.

I’m hungry right now.
But there’s nothing I can just grab
(Plus its nighttime as I’m writing this)

this is a fucking issue.
But I don’t know what to fucking do
Is this an eating disorder?
I’m not doing this intentionally
I’m a healthy weight
I’m content with my body shape
..with the exception of my junk

I have no issues with eatting
You offer me something to eat?
I’ll eat it!
Got an extra fruit cup?
Fuck yeah, I’ll take it
Got chips you don’t wanna finish?
Munch on up
Cupcake?
Cookies?
Candy?
Carrots?
Cheerios?
Chinese?
Chicken?
Cucumber slices?

I’ll eat it if it’s unwanted!
But the minute I have to make the food
Without prompting by someone else?
I’d rather go hungry.

It doesn’t help that I’m starting to have issues with certain foods
Tomatoes give me acid reflex
So anything with tomato sauce I can’t have a lot of
Without needing to munch on bread and milk for a while afterwards

I don’t know what to do.
I just can’t find the motivation to make food
When I could be writing or drawing
Or doing literally anything else
I wish I didn’t have a fleshy body
I wish I could run on electricity
and only have to worry about getting enough sleep
So I can recharge my battery for long enough



I hope this isn’t a disorder

And its just my fucken adhd and/or depression