Roleplay Skittle
Eternally Awkward
I'm still working on Dorian Gray, but I've come to the conclusion that I have the censored version because there's so far been nothing to bat an eye at.
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Fantasy Seiunita OOC
- Thread starter shadowz1995
- Start date
Roleplay Skittle
Eternally Awkward
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
Well, I would love it, but that's not an option.
TVAF idz OPSHON
BubbleButt
TFW 8 seconds have passed after Za Warudo
My post feels complete but at the same time, it feels short.
Ugh, I don't know what to do...
I would show you but I don't want to mess you guys up with any spoilers or anything.
Actual there's a thing for that
Don't look if you don't want to be spoiled, I guess.
Not sure if I'll go ahead and post just from me running out of things to type or if I'll improve on it later.
Ugh, I don't know what to do...
I would show you but I don't want to mess you guys up with any spoilers or anything.
Actual there's a thing for that
Breen
The teen would hit the wall, covered in blood. He would try to escape but would then be held down and pressed back against the now bloody wall by none other than Breen. Breen had lost his cool, but he had to figure out about the missing Priests went.
"Where? Where are you hiding them?" Breen screamed, echoing through the alley.
He didn't say anything in response. Suddenly the kid dropped to the ground, with his eyes wide open. He died, son of a bitch! Breen took a deep sigh before spotting a liquid colored purple, oozing out of the carcass's mouth. He poisoned himself, or that's what it looks like anyways. He's probably from the Dark Kingdom if that's truly poison, but then again, he could have entered the Dark Kingdom and stole the poison as well. There were plenty of possibilities, but they're not important. Right now, he just needed to get away from this body.
He left the body on the ground to rot and left the alley. He would then replace his glasses on the bridge of his nose, continuing down a sidewalk, not caring where it led. This was Breen's life, following leads until he reached dead ends, only to repeat the process and hope for a different result, the definition of insanity at it's finest. You could consider him a hero, or you could consider him a psychopath, but he wouldn't care about it. All he really cares about is that the Light Kingdom stayed in check, because nobody else is willing to get off of their ass to do it.
He continued down the street, only for a moment
Present
It had been a year, the Priests were found dead and that kid was only a puppet, he was poisoned and branded before being sent out to public. The poison would be injected in to the heart, pumping a moderate amount of poison so the kid wouldn't die immediately. The heart would only pump lethal amounts of poison when the body was under stress. They had apparently knew about Breen's "methods" of interrogation. Breen had gotten him killed, he didn't deserve it... it-it wasn't right, it was sick. Ever since then, it became a cold case, he was the only one willing to stay on it. He was definitely having trouble with determining suspects, but for now, he would stay in the bar, continue searching the Fire Kingdom tommorow, then move on.
WHOOSH
He jolted his eyes open, lifting his head from the table immediately. He hadn't felt something that powerful before, unless there was-...
He fired a single solar projectile almost on instinct after feeling the energy, only for it to tear one of the tables in half instead of hitting anything of worth.
"What the hell?!?!" He screamed out loud, blaring his voice across the tavern, signaling his discovery. Breen stood up from his chair, grabbing his glasses off of the table and putting them on. He had realized what was going on, while at the same time, he had no idea. A demonic figure... in the Prancing Quig? What's going on? He seemed to be non-hostile, speaking to another figure though. Must have been overreacting, but for what reason would he disperse such dark energy, was beyond him. Hopefully, he wouldn't notice him, despite him screaming all the way across the Quig. He struggled with tearing away his gaze but managed to sit down back in his seat like nothing happened.
He would stare down the table, thinking of any possible suspects.
"The Dark Kingdom is the main Kingdom for getting poison, but there would be no motive..." Breen said quietly to himself. He often said things out loud, that way he could have thoughts in two different places. The suspect would have to be a thief then, stealing poison from the Dark Kingdom.
"That would make him... Kingdomless?"
"That's impossible... the only Kingdom this guy could belong to was the Dark Kingdom, it had to be it..."
Breen continued to ramble on to himself, trying to reason with instinct, zoning out in the process. Although, it probably wasn't possible to fight against Breen's instinct anyways.
"Alright, it's settled then. I'll go to the Dark Kingdom in about a week and get my answers there, it's the only way they could have gotten the poison." Breen said, albeit with a tone of doubt in his voice and a grim expression.
The teen would hit the wall, covered in blood. He would try to escape but would then be held down and pressed back against the now bloody wall by none other than Breen. Breen had lost his cool, but he had to figure out about the missing Priests went.
"Where? Where are you hiding them?" Breen screamed, echoing through the alley.
He didn't say anything in response. Suddenly the kid dropped to the ground, with his eyes wide open. He died, son of a bitch! Breen took a deep sigh before spotting a liquid colored purple, oozing out of the carcass's mouth. He poisoned himself, or that's what it looks like anyways. He's probably from the Dark Kingdom if that's truly poison, but then again, he could have entered the Dark Kingdom and stole the poison as well. There were plenty of possibilities, but they're not important. Right now, he just needed to get away from this body.
He left the body on the ground to rot and left the alley. He would then replace his glasses on the bridge of his nose, continuing down a sidewalk, not caring where it led. This was Breen's life, following leads until he reached dead ends, only to repeat the process and hope for a different result, the definition of insanity at it's finest. You could consider him a hero, or you could consider him a psychopath, but he wouldn't care about it. All he really cares about is that the Light Kingdom stayed in check, because nobody else is willing to get off of their ass to do it.
He continued down the street, only for a moment
Present
It had been a year, the Priests were found dead and that kid was only a puppet, he was poisoned and branded before being sent out to public. The poison would be injected in to the heart, pumping a moderate amount of poison so the kid wouldn't die immediately. The heart would only pump lethal amounts of poison when the body was under stress. They had apparently knew about Breen's "methods" of interrogation. Breen had gotten him killed, he didn't deserve it... it-it wasn't right, it was sick. Ever since then, it became a cold case, he was the only one willing to stay on it. He was definitely having trouble with determining suspects, but for now, he would stay in the bar, continue searching the Fire Kingdom tommorow, then move on.
WHOOSH
He jolted his eyes open, lifting his head from the table immediately. He hadn't felt something that powerful before, unless there was-...
He fired a single solar projectile almost on instinct after feeling the energy, only for it to tear one of the tables in half instead of hitting anything of worth.
"What the hell?!?!" He screamed out loud, blaring his voice across the tavern, signaling his discovery. Breen stood up from his chair, grabbing his glasses off of the table and putting them on. He had realized what was going on, while at the same time, he had no idea. A demonic figure... in the Prancing Quig? What's going on? He seemed to be non-hostile, speaking to another figure though. Must have been overreacting, but for what reason would he disperse such dark energy, was beyond him. Hopefully, he wouldn't notice him, despite him screaming all the way across the Quig. He struggled with tearing away his gaze but managed to sit down back in his seat like nothing happened.
He would stare down the table, thinking of any possible suspects.
"The Dark Kingdom is the main Kingdom for getting poison, but there would be no motive..." Breen said quietly to himself. He often said things out loud, that way he could have thoughts in two different places. The suspect would have to be a thief then, stealing poison from the Dark Kingdom.
"That would make him... Kingdomless?"
"That's impossible... the only Kingdom this guy could belong to was the Dark Kingdom, it had to be it..."
Breen continued to ramble on to himself, trying to reason with instinct, zoning out in the process. Although, it probably wasn't possible to fight against Breen's instinct anyways.
"Alright, it's settled then. I'll go to the Dark Kingdom in about a week and get my answers there, it's the only way they could have gotten the poison." Breen said, albeit with a tone of doubt in his voice and a grim expression.
Not sure if I'll go ahead and post just from me running out of things to type or if I'll improve on it later.
wtfamidoinghere
Junior Member
Roleplay Skittle
Eternally Awkward
If it's green and leafy, she grows it. Lol
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
Yes, yes, actually I was supposed to help him out but I'm supremely lazy when it comes to critiques and his was filled with... Flaws.
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
Flaws? What flaws? Wait, let me read his post then.
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
For starters, his relentless usage of 'would' instead of proper past tense. It breaks the unspoken 'Show, don't tell' rule!
Roleplay Skittle
Eternally Awkward
Thank you so much for pointing that out, it honestly drives me crazy.
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
I tend to do that if I do not edit my work. And I frequently break the 'Show, don't tell' rule myself.
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
And not only that, but some descriptions are lacking in fluent action and pizzazz!
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
But did you see his? Relentless, I say!
Once or twice, okay, even a whole paragraph, acceptable. But, bluntly, his are liberally distributed whole and wide, scattered throughout his posts!
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
Yes, I feel lost in the first few paragraphs. But before I judge, I must read the rest of his post.
I... will have to correct some of my own mistakes. And damn, I hope it isn't this bad. Let's do some damage control then.
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
OK, I am convinced that IT IS this bad.
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
Boom. Here's the first paragraph ironed out into proper past tense, and action.
The teen would hit the wall, covered in blood.
The teen struck his head against, headfirst into the stalwart concrete, blood sputtering out from his broken nose and mouth.
He would try to escape but would then be held down and pressed back against the now bloody wall by none other than Breen.
The bloodied teen tried to escape, feet slipping on the ground as a strong hand forced him into the wall again, back first now; it was none other than the act of Breen, who held him with all his might.
Breen had lost his cool, but he had to figure out about the missing Priests went.
Breen had lost his cool a long time ago, and he was struggling to keep his aim straight, but he needed to know where the priests had disappeared off to.
The teen would hit the wall, covered in blood.
The teen struck his head against, headfirst into the stalwart concrete, blood sputtering out from his broken nose and mouth.
He would try to escape but would then be held down and pressed back against the now bloody wall by none other than Breen.
The bloodied teen tried to escape, feet slipping on the ground as a strong hand forced him into the wall again, back first now; it was none other than the act of Breen, who held him with all his might.
Breen had lost his cool, but he had to figure out about the missing Priests went.
Breen had lost his cool a long time ago, and he was struggling to keep his aim straight, but he needed to know where the priests had disappeared off to.
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
Yes, yes, that's solid writing there. That will serve as a guideline for him to improve his future posts.
Anyways, right now I can't really come up with a good critique because I have to go to school, so my mind may be on other things.
archur
watch for the flash
Elephantom
It's nice that you described Emilia, but she isn't wearing any armor.
"This was what lead to Emilia finding herself on the back of a griffin that day, hefting a heavy backpack with a few days of supplies along with her trusty longsword, she didn't bother to bring her armor as it would only put more of a strain on the griffon and slow things down."
Historical Storyteller
Four Thousand Club
Dear god, he really needs to edit the entire damn post. God have mercy on his soul.
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
Happy schoolio.
Elephantom
Chicken Broth Paragon
It's nice that you described Emilia, but she isn't wearing any armor.
"This was what lead to Emilia finding herself on the back of a griffin that day, hefting a heavy backpack with a few days of supplies along with her trusty longsword, she didn't bother to bring her armor as it would only put more of a strain on the griffon and slow things down."
Then what is she wearing?
I can easily substitute that part for something soft and light like leather vest or Gambeson, but a tabard/cloak is highly necessary for any foreign knight.
Nogoodname
Did nothing wrong
As much as I appreciate you taking the initiative, I'm describing it in the collab right now, also not to be rude but er... would you mind letting me talk about my own characters in the future?
