Fandom Life in a Quarantine Zone { The Last of Us 1x1 with icedthemoon }

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

That was an unexpected reaction. A strange and weirdly cold kind of reaction. Especially as he left him. Carlos watched him move away, unsure exactly what he had done to make him want to leave. Had he pushed too far? This was why he told himself to behave. This wasn’t like the way he could be with literally everyone else. If other people shied away from him, it never truly hurt. What he did with others was for fun. For a connection. If they didn’t want that connection, then that was okay. No harm, no foul. But with Kaleb, it felt like a stab in his chest. He hesitated for a moment, only a moment, before he was crawling across the bed and sitting at his side. He put an arm around his back, loosely this time. He was afraid. He was so afraid that he was going to lose him. Don’t run from me, Blue Eyes. Let me keep you safe. Stay with me. “I’m not lying to you. I told you that I won’t lie to you. Joking about whether or not I have ideas on how to get up to no good does not count.” He put a hand on Kaleb’s cheek. “Will you look at me? Please?”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico


Kaleb felt the bed moving and the arm around his back proved his thoughts. He didn’t move, didn’t react. Just kind of sat there. Kaleb didn’t believe him, how could he? He knew he wasn’t worthy of being someone’s hero. All he ever did was do the wrong thing. He worked so hard to be what his father wanted that he had hidden himself. Only to disappoint him by defecting and running away. Who did he save? Himself? Kaleb felt the hand on his cheek and shifted his head away. “Just.. let me alone.” He said quietly.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Carlos hated it. He hated that Kaleb could not see himself the way Carlos did. This was the other part of Kaleb that was always trying to shut him out. The one who turned away when Carlos kissed him. The one who closed his eyes. He longed to see those eyes. They were so beautiful. “No, I don’t think so.” He was not asking for permission. He was not giving Kaleb the choice in the same way that he was not giving Carlos a choice. He shifted so that he was completely facing him on the bed. He placed both hands on his cheeks and forced his face to turn back to him. “Love, look at me. Don’t disappear back into that dark place. Open your eyes and look at me.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Why? Why can Kaleb not get a moment? Kaleb felt the bed move again. Carlos was right in front of him, hands on his cheeks. His head was turned but his eyes were shut tight. Tears brimming under his eyelids. “No.” Kaleb mumbled stubbornly. He tried to pull his head away. No. He had made such progress and it was slipping away again. Sliding through his fingers. “Just stop.”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Should he stop? Normally Carlos would have. He would stop without question. He would say something that spoke of his wish to leave things well between them. He would insist that despite this being where they ended that all the time leading up to that was beautiful. It would always be true. All experiences, even the ones less great than others, were beautiful. And then he would walk away. Should he do that now? Should he give Kaleb a moment alone? Because Kaleb was telling him no. This was the line that Carlos wanted people to draw. He encouraged consent. He may have been a flirt who never stopped, but he wanted to find boundaries so that he could follow them. This was a boundary he did not want to follow. He could not tell if this was a boundary that Kaleb wanted him to follow. Was he afraid or did he really not want this? “Why?” He settled for the quiet question instead. He held Kaleb’s face in his hands still. He did not want to let go. If he let go, what did that mean? Could he get him back? This was a fight he thought was worth it.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

And there was the question that Kaleb had been asking himself internally. Why? Did he really want Carlos to go away? No. But being called a hero just hit him hard. If he was a hero, maybe he’d have saved the entire zone from his father and FEDRA. If he had been a hero, he wouldn’t have left them. Left his group. “I..” Kaleb had been thinking of an answer but he didn’t know what to say so he went silent. Eyes still shut tight as the tears leaked from under his eyelids. They made fresh trails down his cheeks.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

No no no don’t cry. This was what he was trying to avoid. This was why he was as trying to hard to bring them together. This darkness inside Kaleb was right now their worst enemy. Not clickers or whatever was down in the basements of buildings. Not those freaky little sneaky dudes. The part of Kaleb that wanted to run from him- no. The part that wanted Carlos to leave was the enemy. He rubbed away tears as they fell, hands still firmly locked around him. “Do you want me to leave?” He was not sure why he was asking. That darker part already told him to leave. Why wouldn’t it tell him that again? “Because I don’t want to leave you. I want to be with you, Kaleb. Here or wherever you want to go. I will follow you anywhere to be with you.” Don’t tell me to go. “I don’t think I could. I don’t think I can walk away. “
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Kaleb had been thinking, well probably over thinking really. Carlos’ words weren’t registering right away. He could feel his hands still on him, rubbing away the tears that kept flowing, but the words he was speaking was static. It was like his brain wasn’t registering the sounds. “Yes.” That voice was not Kaleb’s normal voice. It was deep and rough. “Just.. please. Go.” ​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

The words stung. After everything that happened yesterday. Everything this morning. After how it was in Denver. The four ration cards. The gentle smiles. The appreciation for what he was saying. What he was doing. That was real. This didn’t feel real. This felt wrong. This didn’t feel like his Kaleb. His favorite ex-officer who would defy Officer Scowl for him. “I don’t think I can,” he repeated, his own voice smaller but trying to stay confident. He could not let the dark consume him too. “Where would I go? My home is with you.” That was real. He never had a home before Kaleb. He loosened his grip on Kaleb’s cheeks. “How would I survive without you?” He ran one hand from the side of Kaleb’s eye to his chin. “My kind and passionate man who is always looking out for me. Teaching me not to do stupid things like talk in the streets and go to basements and open doors with clickers.” His words caught in his throat as the fear of loss caught up with his voice. He pushed past it. This was worth the fight. “I don’t know who I am without you.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

it was then that Kaleb opened his eyes. They held no trace of the kindness he held before. These were a steel, cold blue. Kaleb had been trapped again, his hard shell slipped back on. “Your home is only with me because you chose to leave the zone. You must learn to survive because I think..” That cold deep voice paused before continuing. “I think we need to split up. You’ll find out who you are. But it won’t be with me.” And with that, Kaleb moved off the bed. Well. His body moved off the bed and effectively distancing himself for the moment. “I’d leave before you die too.”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Carlos bit at his cheeks. Where did his sweet Kaleb go? He just had him. He was right there in his arms. He was so close to him. He closed his eyes for a moment. No tears, Carlos. No tears. This was how he was earlier too. This was how he was when he was caught off guard by that runner. This was how he was when he was afraid back in the QZ. This was the officer leaking back in to protect him from pain he was never able to deal with as a child. He sucked in a deep breath, steeled himself, and smiled as he opened his eyes. “No can do, Blue Eyes.” Come back to me, Blue Eyes. “I can’t go now. We’re just getting started. Plus, I promised you that I would go with you anywhere. I promised to carry that burden with you.” He hopped off the bed and followed him. No more distance. Carlos hated distance. He took his hand whether he thought he wanted that or not. “So, we’re in this together. Don’t argue with me, gorgeous. I don’t take no for an answer. Not when I know it’s a lie.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Kaleb heard Carlos but what happened when he felt the man take his hand was not Kaleb. It was weird because Kaleb felt like he was there, but he couldn't stop himself. He wrenched his hand away from Carlos, moving past him carefully with his leg. "I'm not arguing. I'm stating the truth. I've told you time and time again to go away. To leave me alone. Yet you don't listen." Kaleb said as he walked. "If you follow me, I will do what I have to in order to prevent you from doing so." He said, and to prove his point, he walked out of the bedroom and into the bathroom and shut the door. It wasn't the best door, but it had no cracks and at least shut. But the point was there.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Carlos did not sigh. He decidedly did not sigh. He bit back that sigh until the door closed. That was when he let out his breath he held, closed his eyes, and let one silent tear fall before he shook his head and his body to push it aside. This isn’t Kaleb. This is the Officer. That’s who he was going to refer to this as from now on. The Officer liked to take control sometimes, and that was what Carlos promised to fight. So he would. He shoved a hand across his face, slapped his cheeks a few times, and then retrieved the journal and the first colored pencil he found on the floor. He moved to the bathroom, backed up to the door so that it made a sound, and slid to the floor leaning against the door. Then he started to draw.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

The bathroom wasn't perfectly clean, but the floor was decent enough that he could sit on it and lean against the tub. Kaleb heard the noise against the door, and knew that it was Carlos out there. He put his head in his hands, taking a deep breath. Kaleb was fighting himself, and so far his father's perfect officer seemed to be winning the fight. It was driving him nuts. Every time Kaleb would get close to feeling like himself, he was dragged backwards. Kaleb wrung his hands together, the silence beating down on him. He knew what he'd said to Carlos just now, he knew every word that he'd said. And Kaleb sighed heavily. He wasn't a hero to his zone, a hero to his group, but was he really a hero to Carlos? "Come here." Kaleb called out, just loud enough to be heard. It was his normal voice, his regular voice. The voice of the defector.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

He sketched with green. It was one of those darker, forest greens. He did not have the time or brain space to look for the rest of them. He drew quickly as he was unsure how much time he would have out here. He sketched his face first. Eyes closed. Biting down on his lip. Fighting back pain. He was just working on the tears only barely leaving his eyes when he heard the words. That sounded like Kaleb. He put the journal down and stood. He took in a silent but deep breath to make sure he was prepared this time and opened the door. “Hey you.” He leaned on the door frame, every fiber of his being wanting to run to him, gather him up in his arms, and hold him close for the rest of his days. But he didn’t. He waited. And he smiled like there was nothing wrong between them. “Feeling better?” Like Kaleb was feeling sick instead of living in horrible turmoil.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Kaleb's eyes shot up to the door opening, his blue eyes back to normal as he looked at Carlos leaning on the door frame. He saw that smile and felt worse, so much worse. "I'm s- so sorry." Kaleb whispered, his eyes watering as his body starting shaking. "I- I didn't, I didn't want to say that stuff." He said quietly, his eyes falling to look at his lap. He felt bad that he'd said those things to Carlos, and pushed him away, again. His fingers twined in his lap as he sat there. No he was feeling worse actually.​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

That sadness broke him, and for one horrible moment, Carlos was sure that he was going to cry. All that resolve he had about putting on the brave face to be that person for Kaleb, working to make him feel like he was still going to be there for him no matter what, was going to crash around him. Pull it together, Carlos. He needs you to be there for him. He walked inside and sank down to the floor, knees pulled up to fit in the tiny room. He put out his hands as an offering. “I know, love.” Saying it out loud helped his own anxiety. The part of him that felt like maybe he was pushing too much and ignoring boundaries needed to hear both Kaleb and himself say those things. “I know you didn’t. I know that everything is changing, and the world is scary. Terrifying even. It’s okay to freak out when the world feels like it’s crashing around you.” He lifted his arms as a bigger offering. A question. “Will you let me shield you from it?”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Kaleb's eyes widened a little as Carlos came inside, sinking to the floor. Kaleb looked at his hands, then at him. Tears brimmed in his eyes, spiling down his face. He put his hands in Carlos' and his blue eyes looked at him. "I'm not supposed to freak out." He said quietly. He hated feeling the way he did. He felt as helpless and sad as he did when he was ten. Kaleb heard his question, saw the raised arms and smiled softly. "Yes."​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

He waited. He waited impatiently. He waited for days and months and years and decades and millennia. He waited through the sun and rain and thunder and disaster. He waited as the world bloomed and grew and died and rebirthed around them. Or at least he would. He would traverse the barren lands littered with people who wanted nothing more than to kill them. He would fight through every street full of whatever kind of monster. He would sit on a bathroom floor with arms raised. Because he loved Kaleb and he would be damned if he let the Officer win.

Though he was already smiling, his lips pulled apart more, happy to have Kaleb more himself again. And the moment he said yes, Carlos was already moving to him, legs haphazardly trying to find an appropriate place to be so that he could envelope his favorite person in the whole of the world. Maybe they hadn’t known each other very well for very long. Maybe most of their relationship was a whole bunch of Carlos being a creep and watching him from afar to draw him and dream. Maybe he did something crazy and followed a man he hardly knew into the scary unknown, but he would never give that up. Not ever. He wrapped his arms securely around Kaleb, trying to somehow be gentle when he so passionately hated everything that hurt him. He pulled him close in this bathroom, still wanting him to feel like he was safe. His arms could be safety again. He tried to pull all of him in. As much as he could touch, he did with his own body. As much as he could hug, he did.

“You are allowed to be human too. I don’t care if your general of a father or the fancy FEDRA people told you that you couldn’t.” His words were insistent but light as he could feel his own emotions trying to break through them. “You can freak out in the same way that you can be sad or angry or happy or anything else. I don’t want you to ever feel like you can’t with me.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Kaleb watched as Carlos moved towards him, finding a way to wrap him in a hug. Kaleb let out a rough sigh, feeling that security in his arms. He listened as he was held. The words from Carlos promising that he’d be there, that Kaleb could be who he was supposed to be. That he could be just Kaleb. “Thank you.” He whispered, and then he sighed once more. “Can we go lay down? It would be a lot more comfortable than sitting like this.”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Hearing him talk like Kaleb was enough. That was all he wanted. That was all he ever wanted was Kaleb. Not the Officer. Not a general’s son. His Kaleb and his beautiful and kind blue eyes. Those eyes. He loved those eyes so much. He loved the color. He loved the depth. He loved who Kaleb was and how much he could see it in those eyes. Carlos nodded. “Yeah, of course. It’s not so much fun in here.” He helped him up arm not only supportive but becoming the official support. He was not going to let Kaleb go. He kissed his cheek as they stood before walking them out of the bathroom and back towards the bed. He wanted to tell him how much he loved him, but with how well his last declaration went, maybe now was not the time as much as he wished that it was. Maybe later.
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

No. It wasn’t fun in there. It was lonely and upsetting in the bathroom when he was alone. Kaleb accepted the help up, leaning on Carlos and headed out. He would him as support happily. Once they made it to the bedroom, and back to the bed, Kaleb was tired. He was mentally and emotionally drained. Kaleb crawled onto the bed, and looked at Carlos with a tired gaze. “Come lay down and hold me?”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Carlos watched him move, watching his leg to make sure it was not a problem, and then watched his face to see if he could read the expression. He was sad and tired. That was understandable. Of course he would be. Carlos was also exhausted, and he didn’t go through a mental break like that. He moved onto the bed with a smile that spoke the volumes of how much he would love to stay there with him. He laid down and instead of keeping his arms open for Kaleb to join him, he did it himself. He wrapped his large, strong arms around Kaleb as he pulled him close. He pressed a hand on Kaleb’s cheek and kissed the top of his head. “I’m sure you’re exhausted. You can stay right here with me until you want to move again.”
​

 

[EquineGurl23]

Kaleb Price
Former FEDRA officer | 25 | Current location ;; New Mexico

Kaleb saw that smile as Carlos moved onto the bed and it made him happy. Very happy. And then Carlos wrapped his strong arms around Kaleb, who was more than happy to be pulled close to him. The hand on his cheek and the kiss on the top of his head made Kaleb smile. He looked at Carlos and nodded. He leaned up and kissed him gently before pulling away. “Thank you.”​

 

[icedthemoon]

Carlos Da Silva
Aspiring Artist | 23 | Current location ;; New Mexico

He rested his head on the top of Kaleb’s as he breathed. Really breathed. He had no idea when he decided to follow this man out into the real world that this would be the wild ride he would take. He had no idea that asking for some ration cards would lead him here either. But he would do it again. He would take the gut punches every time if he got to have this at the end of the day. Or middle of the day? Actually, he had no idea what time of day it was, and he did not care. Kaleb had to be so emotionally spent that it would be like it was night. So it was night then. He could hold him all night however long that ended up being for them. “Where you go, I go. When you go, I go. Always.”
​