Fandom Housetrapped (A Homestuck AU)

[magnadeus]

Jack obviously couldn't answer, he was unconscious. Although, if Janet bothered to actually check up on him she'd notice that IT KINDA LOOKED LIKE HE WAS DEAD. You know, with the knifearang sticking out of his back, him lying on the floor, and him not moving or speaking at all. But, luckily he wasn't dead, just on Prospit, flying around randomly like an idiot.
JACK: OHMYGODTHISPLACEISSOFUCKINGCOOLI'MFLYINGRIGHTNOWWHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

CB: Jack.


CB: Jack?


CB: Are you busy, or like...dead?


CB: Oh god I hope you're not dead.





Janet was definitely going to worry more about that later, but for now, goddammit no. That was it? Her quest was to cry into a wall? Gah, she was just so frustrated. Whatever. She had exhausted herself. She was just now realizing that she hadn't eaten in like a day. She needed to recuperate. Ahead of her was a gigantic rock with spires. Eh, whatever. She decided to take a rest on it. She felt like she was being beckoned to it, anyways. By a voice in her head?


-MEANWHILE IN ANOTHER UNIVERSE-


A man stands at a monitor, having accomplished his goal.


"Alright. You'll be the best god tier there ever was, I know it." a dignitary mutters to himself.

 

[JackOfHearts]

Jack spent about ten minutes flying around Prospit like a lunatic and randomly flying into Prospitians by accident before regaining consciousness in the real world.


JACK: ...That was one weird but awesome dream.


Jack frowned, standing up and trying to take the knifearang out of his back. Nope, he couldn't. Why couldn't he? Because it was literally RIGHT where he couldn't grab it. Just fucking great.


DR: Any of you guys ever have one of those moments where you just have the worst fucking luck?


DR: That's me right now, me with a knifearang sticking out of my back and a sprite who literally does nothing to help me.


DR: Oh, and some sort of fucking teleporting stalker dude who never let's me catch more than a glimpse of him out of my peripheral vision.

 

[magnadeus]

Jack spent about ten minutes flying around Prospit like a lunatic and randomly flying into Prospitians by accident before regaining consciousness in the real world.
JACK: ...That was one weird but awesome dream.


Jack frowned, standing up and trying to take the knifearang out of his back. Nope, he couldn't. Why couldn't he? Because it was literally RIGHT where he couldn't grab it. Just fucking great.


DR: Any of you guys ever have one of those moments where you just have the worst fucking luck?


DR: That's me right now, me with a knifearang sticking out of my back and a sprite who literally does nothing to help me.


DR: Oh, and some sort of fucking teleporting stalker dude who never let's me catch more than a glimpse of him out of my peripheral vision.

-DURING THOSE TEN MINUTES-


Janet heard a commotion near some palace, soon followed by a Dersite agent that looked like Spades with a number of unfortunate mutations dashing on a string of silk towards...LOPAR? Did Janet just see mutant SS scooting towards her home planet? Well, she obviously had to see what he was up to. She trailed him using her awesome dream speed, and eventually...


EVENTUALLY...





Herself?


Her normal, regular Lopar self. What did mutant SS....


NO!


Mutant SS had just murdered her regular self.


She...didn't know what to think. She had just died, but did she really? If she just changed into her regular clothes, she could just be a flying version of herself. Just as she was thinking this, a wardrobe change occurred. But not the one she had in mind. She suddenly found herself in a magenta hoodie...thing, with a large heart on the front.


"You've done it."


Huh? She recognized that voice from her favourite show.


Was that...Diamonds?


"You're the Witch of Heart."

 

[JackOfHearts]

Jack frowns, wandering the wasteland of Ice and Clockwork before stumbling upon a rather strange sight. A...stone bed? Out in the middle of nowhere? Surrounded by four stone spires? The fuck?


JACK: Well, random bed. No idea why the fuck this exists, and I'm definitely not going near it.


Jack was once again knocked out from behind by a mysterious red cloaked figure holding a snowboard, waking up on Prospit again.


JACK: Oh not this shit again! This place is fun and all, but why do I keep getting K.O'd?!


Meanwhile, the red figure dragged Jack to his quest bed.


???: I remember this. Of course, my way went down alot differently, and alot later into my session. If he, err, I, err Jack, ughh, it's confusing trying to identify people who are also me when talking to myself. If he stands any chance of NOT causing a doomed timeline, I've got to kill him, and force his ascension to God Tier early.


The red figure tossed Jack onto his quest bed and pulled out a knife.


???: It'll be fun killing myself, again.

 

[magnadeus]

Jack frowns, wandering the wasteland of Ice and Clockwork before stumbling upon a rather strange sight. A...stone bed? Out in the middle of nowhere? Surrounded by four stone spires? The fuck?
JACK: Well, random bed. No idea why the fuck this exists, and I'm definitely not going near it.


Jack was once again knocked out from behind by a mysterious red cloaked figure holding a snowboard, waking up on Prospit again.


JACK: Oh not this shit again! This place is fun and all, but why do I keep getting K.O'd?!


Meanwhile, the red figure dragged Jack to his quest bed.


???: I remember this. Of course, my way went down alot differently, and alot later into my session. If he, err, I, err Jack, ughh, it's confusing trying to identify people who are also me when talking to myself. If he stands any chance of NOT causing a doomed timeline, I've got to kill him, and force his ascension to God Tier early.


The red figure tossed Jack onto his quest bed and pulled out a knife.


???: It'll be fun killing myself, again.

CB: Jack, as much as I love to sympathize, I'm way too confused.


CB: DD is telling that I am a Witch of Heart.


CB: He is now explaining to me what that means, and I am listening.


CB: Talk to you soon.

 

[JackOfHearts]

The mysterious red figure grabbed Jack's laptop, smiling.


???: I remember CB. I killed her so many times that I've lost count. Too bad in order for this time line to not do poorly I have to leave everyone alive. Or, well, alive God Tier wise. No more indirectly causing deaths of former friends.


The figure wrapped in red changed Jack's font color to red and started typing a response.


DR: Heh heh heh.


DR: I remember this.


DR: Oh, by the way, Jack can't respond right now.


DR: I'm about to kill him.


The figure then set Jack's laptop aside and stood over Jack.


???: Now, where to stab him first? I want to make this painful.

 

[magnadeus]

The mysterious red figure grabbed Jack's laptop, smiling.
???: I remember CB. I killed her so many times that I've lost count. Too bad in order for this time line to not do poorly I have to leave everyone alive. Or, well, alive God Tier wise. No more indirectly causing deaths of former friends.


The figure wrapped in red changed Jack's font color to red and started typing a response.


DR: Heh heh heh.


DR: I remember this.


DR: Oh, by the way, Jack can't respond right now.


DR: I'm about to kill him.


The figure then set Jack's laptop aside and stood over Jack.


???: Now, where to stab him first? I want to make this painful.

CB: What?


CB: NO!





Janet pounded the quest bed. GRAH! It was so frustrating! Jack was about to die, and she could do nothing! It was infuriating how weak she was in these terms.


"You know you could get to Jack through that portal, right?"


Janet, hearing Droog's words, looked up, and there it was. Hope, visualized. She quickly zoomed through the portal, and...


oh.


She had just been transported to Jack's land instantaneously, right to where he was. And where would he be but on his own magical spire rock bed, about to die at the hands of a mysterious red cloaked figure. Ah well. Best not to disturb Jack, she supposed.

 

[JackOfHearts]

CB: What?
CB: NO!


Janet pounded the quest bed. GRAH! It was so frustrating! Jack was about to die, and she could do nothing! It was infuriating how weak she was in these terms.


"You know you could get to Jack through that portal, right?"


Janet, hearing Droog's words, looked up, and there it was. Hope, visualized. She quickly zoomed through the portal, and...


oh.


She had just been transported to Jack's land instantaneously, right to where he was. And where would he be but on his own magical spire rock bed. Ah well. Best not to disturb him, she supposed.

The mysterious red cloaked figure stared at Janet for a moment.


???: ... 'Wow, this really brings back memories.'


He ditched his idea of a slow and painful death and just turned Jack over onto his back, stabbing him straight through the heart. Quick, easy, clean kill. Now, what to do? Return to his future? Nah, that would be boring. He couldn't KILL God Tier Janet if he wanted this timeline to succeed, but he could still rough her up a bit. He pulled two knifearangs out of his cloak and threw them at Janet.

 

[magnadeus]

The mysterious red cloaked figure stared at Janet for a moment.
???: ... 'Wow, this really brings back memories.'


He ditched his idea of a slow and painful death and just turned Jack over onto his back, stabbing him straight through the heart. Quick, easy, clean kill. Now, what to do? Return to his future? Nah, that would be boring. He couldn't KILL God Tier Janet if he wanted this timeline to succeed, but he could still rough her up a bit. He pulled two knifearangs out of his cloak and threw them at Janet.

"Gah! FUCK!"





Janet had barely dodged the first one, but the second one was lodged in her arm.





"AUGH!"





And there was the first one, right in her back. Dammit, nobody messes with an immortal and gets away with it. But... she sensed something. This guy, as much as he was trying to hide it, isn't doing this as an act of malice. She could sense that it was born out of...injustice. This man had been wronged, and he was taking out his anger on her.


This was risky, but...





"Hey! HEY! Calm down. I understand why you're doing this, but it's all wrong. If you're going to act like this, you'll only cause more pain. And I know that that's not what you want."

 

[JackOfHearts]

"Gah! FUCK!"



Janet had barely dodged the first one, but the second one was lodged in her arm.





"AUGH!"





And there was the first one, right in her back. Dammit, nobody messes with an immortal and gets away with it. But... she sensed something. This guy, as much as he was trying to hide it, isn't doing this as an act of malice. She could sense that it was born out of...injustice. This man had been wronged, and he was taking out his anger on her.


This was risky, but...





"Hey! HEY! Calm down. I understand why you're doing this, but it's all wrong. If you're going to act like this, you'll only cause more pain. And I know that that's not what you want."

The mysterious figure rolls his eyes under his hood.


???: Actually, you don't know what I want. I WANT to cause pain. I want this timeline to succeed, too, but for my own reasons. I've been hopping through timelines like crazy, trying to get one to succeed. Usually they fail because I either intentionally kill or get killed important people to the timeline's success, or unintentionally kill or get killed important people. But, what's trial without error?


The mysterious figure pulled another pair of knifearangs out of his cloak, throwing them at Janet. If he wanted to kill her, he'd use rebound or ripper, or his Explodarangs. He just wanted to cut her up a bit.

 

[magnadeus]

The mysterious figure rolls his eyes under his hood.
???: Actually, you don't know what I want. I WANT to cause pain. I want this timeline to succeed, too, but for my own reasons. I've been hopping through timelines like crazy, trying to get one to succeed. Usually they fail because I either intentionally kill or get killed important people to the timeline's success, or unintentionally kill or get killed important people. But, what's trial without error?


The mysterious figure pulled another pair of knifearangs out of his cloak, throwing them at Janet. If he wanted to kill her, he'd use rebound or ripper, or his Explodarangs. He just wanted to cut her up a bit.

Janet was confused, and not only by all the time drivel. Either this guy has his feelings so madly bottled up that HE doesn't even feel them, or something was messing with her powers. Either way, if he didn't feel that way, she would make him.


Janet channelled all of her thoughts into this. She didn't know if it would work, but she sure as hell wasn't going to give up.


"HA! It worked."





She had channeled that same malevolence into herself. She felt it, his concentration on destroying and murdering. She wasn't going down without a fight.


"Wait! That could earn you a just OR heroic death!"





"Shut up, Diamonds."





"Oooooof course."





Janet pulled out her Hexaring and shot it at him, all while dodging the knifearangs. It was way easier, thanks to all of his bloodlust. She pulled out the Flamepryer Spade. This was going to be fun.

 

[JackOfHearts]

Janet was confused, and not only by all the time drivel. Either this guy has his feelings so madly bottled up that HE doesn't even feel them, or something was messing with her powers. Either way, if he didn't feel that way, she would make him.
Janet channelled all of her thoughts into this. She didn't know if it would work, but she sure as hell wasn't going to give up.


"HA! It worked."





She had channeled that same malevolence into herself. She felt it, his concentration on destroying and murdering. She wasn't going down without a fight.


"Wait! That could earn you a just OR heroic death!"





"Shut up, Diamonds."





"Oooooof course."





Janet pulled out her Hexaring and shot it at him, all while dodging the knifearangs. It was way easier, thanks to all of his bloodlust. She pulled out the Flamepryer Spade. This was going to be fun.

The mysterious figure frowned, dodging out of the way of the Hexaring with ease.


???: Well shit, I wasn't expecting you to actually put up a fight. This is the first timeline where you've actually been competent with your powers it seems. Kinda weird. Although, thanks to a few tricks I learned from my sis' and a few other sources a, you won't really be able to beat me in a fair fight. It's kinda ironic that we both ended up time players. Granted, it's not as ironic as me having to kill her as self defense, but still. Anyway, I'd better get going. I've got timeline shit to fuck up!


The mysterious figure gives a salute before disappearing, which for him was a bit of an inside joke from the timeline he was from.

 

[magnadeus]

The mysterious figure frowned, dodging out of the way of the Hexaring with ease.
???: Well shit, I wasn't expecting you to actually put up a fight. This is the first timeline where you've actually been competent with your powers it seems. Kinda weird. Although, thanks to a few tricks I learned from my sis' and a few other sources a, you won't really be able to beat me in a fair fight. It's kinda ironic that we both ended up time players. Granted, it's not as ironic as me having to kill her as self defense, but still. Anyway, I'd better get going. I've got timeline shit to fuck up!


The mysterious figure gives a salute before disappearing, which for him was a bit of an inside joke from the timeline he was from.

"Uh...what?"





Janet rid herself of his wrath, considering it had no worth any more. But...what? His sis ended up being a time player? Since she found her sprite, she decided to consult her sprite.





(SNOW)SPADES: What is it?


Uh...do you know anything about "time players?"


SNOW(SPADES): Oh, come on.


(SNOW)SPADES: Spades, shut up. A God Tier can have different aspects or classes. The classes are as follows: Blood, Breath, Hope, Rage, Mind, Heart, Time, Space, Life, Doom, Void, and Light.


SNOW(SPADES): Yeah, yeah. As for classes, there's the Witch, Heir, Rogue, Thief, Bard, Prince, Mage, Seer, Maid, Sylph, Knight, and Page. There are two others, but they don't matter


(SNOW)SPADES: All 144 combinations yield different powers, most of the time, but inversions can sometimes lead to the same powers. As you can see, if you turn around, there's your friend descending from Prospit. He's a Rogue of Time.

 

[JackOfHearts]

"Uh...what?"



Janet rid herself of his wrath, considering it had no worth any more. But...what? His sis ended up being a time player? Since she found her sprite, she decided to consult her sprite.





(SNOW)SPADES: What is it?


Uh...do you know anything about "time players?"


SNOW(SPADES): Oh, come on.


(SNOW)SPADES: Spades, shut up. A God Tier can have different aspects or classes. The classes are as follows: Blood, Breath, Hope, Rage, Mind, Heart, Time, Space, Life, Doom, Void, and Light.


SNOW(SPADES): Yeah, yeah. As for classes, there's the Witch, Heir, Rogue, Thief, Bard, Prince, Mage, Seer, Maid, Sylph, Knight, and Page. There are two others, but they don't matter


(SNOW)SPADES: All 144 combinations yield different powers, most of the time, but inversions can sometimes lead to the same powers. As you can see, if you turn around, there's your friend descending from Prospit. He's a Rogue of Time.

Jack was...completely confused. For one, he was wearing a really stupid looking outfit. It was a hooded cloak, with a gear symbol on it. It didn't even look that cool. Second, he was pretty sure that he'd just been knocked out a second ago, so why was he awake again already??? And where the hell was- oh nevermind. The knifearang that had been in his back was still lodged in there. He'd just have to ask Janet to pull it out, aaaaafter he figured out what was going on.


JACK: ...What the absolute fuck is going on right now???

 

[magnadeus]

Jack was...completely confused. For one, he was wearing a really stupid looking outfit. It was a hooded cloak, with a gear symbol on it. It didn't even look that cool. Second, he was pretty sure that he'd just been knocked out a second ago, so why was he awake again already??? And where the hell was- oh nevermind. The knifearang that had been in his back was still lodged in there. He'd just have to ask Janet to pull it out, aaaaafter he figured out what was going on.
JACK: ...What the absolute fuck is going on right now???

"Oh hell no."





HE was the red cloaked figure?





"Well, you went insane in another timeline, killed yourself here so that you could become future you, and then hopefully this is not that timeline. Ask your sprite if you want any info on your sudden magical PJs. Or mine, it's pretty polite. Well, Snowman is."

 

[JackOfHearts]

"Oh hell no."



HE was the red cloaked figure?





"Well, you went insane in another timeline, killed yourself here so that you could become future you, and then hopefully this is not that timeline. Ask your sprite if you want any info on your sudden magical PJs. Or mine, it's pretty polite. Well, Snowman is."

Jack gives Janet a confused look.


"So...let me get this straight. Me, or some fucking version of me, went back in time, to kill me, to bring me back to life. What the fuck was the point of even killing me in the first place then? Also, what the hell, if he killed me, how am I not fucking dead right now?!?"

 

[magnadeus]

Jack gives Janet a confused look.
"So...let me get this straight. Me, or some fucking version of me, went back in time, to kill me, to bring me back to life. What the fuck was the point of even killing me in the first place then? Also, what the hell, if he killed me, how am I not fucking dead right now?!?"

"No, no. Future Jack killed real you, and then dream you became the new real you. That happened to me, only I got killed by Spider-Slick. Long story. He killed you so that you could become dream real magical real you, the one with cool time powers. Did I mention you have time powers? You have time powers."

 

[JackOfHearts]

"No, no. Future Jack killed real you, and then dream you became the new real you. That happened to me, only I got killed by Spider-Slick. Long story. He killed you so that you could become dream real magical real you, the one with cool time powers. Did I mention you have time powers? You have time powers."

Jack was...needless to say even more confused.


"Okay....this is a hell of a lot to take in. So...technically I'm a dream version of myself...with time powers...and the real me is DEAD?"

 

[magnadeus]

Jack was...needless to say even more confused.
"Okay....this is a hell of a lot to take in. So...technically I'm a dream version of myself...with time powers...and the real me is DEAD?"

"Yup. Dead. Gone. I get it, it was pretty hard for me too, but I got over it pretty quickly. Anyways, have you gotten anywhere in your quest?"

 

[JackOfHearts]

"Yup. Dead. Gone. I get it, it was pretty hard for me too, but I got over it pretty quickly. Anyways, have you gotten anywhere in your quest?"

Jack glares at Janet.


"Obviously I fucking haven't. I've been given a LITERALLY impossible quest here. There's NO way to unfreeze all of this ice all over my stupid world. And, I'm surprised you managed to get over your own death so quickly. What kind of sick fucking game makes that actually integral to the game progression? Seriously?!"

 

[magnadeus]

Jack glares at Janet.
"Obviously I fucking haven't. I've been given a LITERALLY impossible quest here. There's NO way to unfreeze all of this ice all over my stupid world. And, I'm surprised you managed to get over your own death so quickly. What kind of sick fucking game makes that actually integral to the game progression? Seriously?!"

"Eh. I literally am her. She is me. Nobody died, it's just that I lost one of my bodies. As for your quest, I think we have to explore and ask the creatures inhabiting the land."

 

[JackOfHearts]

"Eh. I literally am her. She is me. Nobody died, it's just that I lost one of my bodies. As for your quest, I think we have to explore and ask the creatures inhabiting the land."

Jack frowned.


"...Creatures? All I've seen so far are imps, but then again I haven't explored too much... Is that what you're talking about, or am I missing something."

 

[magnadeus]

Jack frowned.
"...Creatures? All I've seen so far are imps, but then again I haven't explored too much... Is that what you're talking about, or am I missing something."

"Yeah, exploring. Go find some amphibians or something."

 

[JackOfHearts]

"Yeah, exploring. Go find some amphibians or something."

Jack shrugs.


"Fine, I'll do it later. After I've screwed around with my powers for a bit. Why are these quests even important anyway?"

 

[magnadeus]

Jack shrugs.
"Fine, I'll do it later. After I've screwed around with my powers for a bit. Why are these quests even important anyway?"

"Jack, that's the kind of thinking which your quest is supposed to erase. You don't do it for the payoff, you do it for yourself."