Character Critique Thread
- Thread starter welian
- Start date
Gus
Justice RIDES AGAIN!!!
OK, so I have been giving Aaron's personality a lot of thought over the last week or so. I just posted version 2.0, added a few relationships, and pretty radically altered his personality traits to better reflect the way he has turned out in practice, as well as the changes that the last 2 weeks has wrought in him.
I also increased his 'proactive' score by two to reflect the fact that, while he is SLOW to act, he does prefer to act rather that to wait to see what will happen.
I would very much appreciate feedback about the changes, so I have not saved over v 1.0 yet, nor are they necessarily canonical. It is the way I am leaning though.
I also increased his 'proactive' score by two to reflect the fact that, while he is SLOW to act, he does prefer to act rather that to wait to see what will happen.
I would very much appreciate feedback about the changes, so I have not saved over v 1.0 yet, nor are they necessarily canonical. It is the way I am leaning though.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Lemon Boy
~Brilliantly Bitter~
@Lioness075
Whilst I do love the idea of the character, her personality and initial parts of her history; I take a fair amount of issue with her in the sense she seems a bit...overly fantasy-ish?
Even though the Rp is most certainly a Sci-fi one.
The first thing I take issue with is her backstory, the last parts as well. AEGIS is in no way a corporation capable of conducting raids on Supers in any SWAT style way at all.
They're far more likely to knock on your door like a bunch of friendly News Agency Advertisers or something and advise a Super or their parents to come to AEGIS so they can basically learn how to tame their abilities and be proper, functional members of society.
However, the one massive thing that's a problem is why the raid was conducted. Unless they were being illegally employed and being made to work without consent; I can't see why any organisation would conduct a Police raid on them for simply employing Supers.
Sure, discrimination is still very much a thing, that Old lady who hates Supers would probably call the local police station and say how back in her time they didn't get all these special benefits, but they still have human rights and everything. No legal group would have the grounds or authority to just go casually raiding a workplace simply because they employ Supers. So I think you should change the last parts of her backstory for certain so It can mesh a bit more with the Universe Lore.
Secondly; Her powers.
I feel like you're trying far too hard to emulate one of your favorite characters and failing to create your own character If you get what I mean.
Whilst the Spatial Awareness is perfectly fine and so is her teleportation, the Altered Physiology reealllyy doesn't fit in at all. Especially the Night vision, which I really can't fathom her having for anything logical reason.
As I mentioned before, powers have to be linked together in some way and whilst you can say reasons how an altered physiology could manifest, It just really doesn't work in that way.
Going back on my mentioning of how the Rp is more SciFi than fantasy, this line in particular really irks me. "The burning brimstone is a small portion of the atmosphere of the dimension she travels through hen she teleports."
That sounds better accustomed to a Fantasy than It does to a SciFi Rp like this one, and I think you should remove the whole thing about her hopping through dimensions and mainly just go for a standard "Shifting my particles here" or whatever scientific babble one can come up with. The current variation just sounds far too fantasy.
Overall.
I think you should try and make your own character, rather than trying to emulate and create another version of a pre-existing character in a different universe.
The concept is cool, but the finished product isn't overly so. A normal, 100% human with no sort of altered body structure would be far more acceptable than a Demonic looking person who teleports. Marianne and Jamie don't have an altered physiology even though they have variations of a teleportation ability, I don't see why your character would need one. Remember that AEGIS aren't the bad guys, their existence is literally a benefit to the Super community, not a curse. They don't go snatching Super children in the night and forcefully lobotomizing them or anything, they simply want to heavily advise Young supers to attend their facilities so they can get a grip on their powers and live like ordinary citizens.
EDIT:
Welian's suggestion of her power being purely an Altered physiology and Superspeed that can be akin to Flash stepping is far more appropriate and do-able in my opinion and I heavily suggest you go down that route.
Whilst I do love the idea of the character, her personality and initial parts of her history; I take a fair amount of issue with her in the sense she seems a bit...overly fantasy-ish?
Even though the Rp is most certainly a Sci-fi one.
The first thing I take issue with is her backstory, the last parts as well. AEGIS is in no way a corporation capable of conducting raids on Supers in any SWAT style way at all.
They're far more likely to knock on your door like a bunch of friendly News Agency Advertisers or something and advise a Super or their parents to come to AEGIS so they can basically learn how to tame their abilities and be proper, functional members of society.
However, the one massive thing that's a problem is why the raid was conducted. Unless they were being illegally employed and being made to work without consent; I can't see why any organisation would conduct a Police raid on them for simply employing Supers.
Sure, discrimination is still very much a thing, that Old lady who hates Supers would probably call the local police station and say how back in her time they didn't get all these special benefits, but they still have human rights and everything. No legal group would have the grounds or authority to just go casually raiding a workplace simply because they employ Supers. So I think you should change the last parts of her backstory for certain so It can mesh a bit more with the Universe Lore.
Secondly; Her powers.
I feel like you're trying far too hard to emulate one of your favorite characters and failing to create your own character If you get what I mean.
Whilst the Spatial Awareness is perfectly fine and so is her teleportation, the Altered Physiology reealllyy doesn't fit in at all. Especially the Night vision, which I really can't fathom her having for anything logical reason.
As I mentioned before, powers have to be linked together in some way and whilst you can say reasons how an altered physiology could manifest, It just really doesn't work in that way.
Going back on my mentioning of how the Rp is more SciFi than fantasy, this line in particular really irks me. "The burning brimstone is a small portion of the atmosphere of the dimension she travels through hen she teleports."
That sounds better accustomed to a Fantasy than It does to a SciFi Rp like this one, and I think you should remove the whole thing about her hopping through dimensions and mainly just go for a standard "Shifting my particles here" or whatever scientific babble one can come up with. The current variation just sounds far too fantasy.
Overall.
I think you should try and make your own character, rather than trying to emulate and create another version of a pre-existing character in a different universe.
The concept is cool, but the finished product isn't overly so. A normal, 100% human with no sort of altered body structure would be far more acceptable than a Demonic looking person who teleports. Marianne and Jamie don't have an altered physiology even though they have variations of a teleportation ability, I don't see why your character would need one. Remember that AEGIS aren't the bad guys, their existence is literally a benefit to the Super community, not a curse. They don't go snatching Super children in the night and forcefully lobotomizing them or anything, they simply want to heavily advise Young supers to attend their facilities so they can get a grip on their powers and live like ordinary citizens.
EDIT:
Welian's suggestion of her power being purely an Altered physiology and Superspeed that can be akin to Flash stepping is far more appropriate and do-able in my opinion and I heavily suggest you go down that route.
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ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
@Lioness075
I agree with a lot of @St Starry suggestions. I can see you are quite eager to join the role play. Have you considered making these changes? I really feel that working to make some adjustments to modify your character into a more unique player would greatly increase your chances for a speedy entry into AEGIS.
I agree with a lot of @St Starry suggestions. I can see you are quite eager to join the role play. Have you considered making these changes? I really feel that working to make some adjustments to modify your character into a more unique player would greatly increase your chances for a speedy entry into AEGIS.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
I forgot to follow this thread...lol. The tag from St Starry didn't notify me to look here so I never knew that post existed. *facedesk*
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Okay, now that I finally realized this post is here...
I will look into making these modifications in my CS. If Sam runs away from her home and works at that haunted house, how would the agents come out looking for her that way? I still think her physiology makes her working at a haunted house work out really well, but obviously, I misunderstood everything about the AEGIS agents. I just read someone's CS that was accepted and they mentioned an agent following a fleeing Super out of an alleyway so I interpreted that as a forced abduction deal that perhaps was more common if Supers didn't agree right away to go to an AEGIS facility.
As for the powers, I can see what you mean and yes, making my character all but the exact same as another existing mutant in X-Men is probably lacking in creativity considering I barely came up with anything myself. The superspeed deal could make far more sense with her physiology and then I can just drop the brimstone deal (no more fart and flee for Sam) since it really does not make sense at this point.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
I really feel you need to stay away from making assumptions about the entire verse based off one point in someone's profile. There is about 30 people in this role play. I personally have 3 characters. That gives a lot of room for varying backgrounds. One thing stands though, you need to focus on the details handed down by the creator of this group not the members. It is a little disheartening to me that you don't seem to be up on the details given by the creator in the varies threads provided. Here are some links I feel you would benefit from reading carefully and completely.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Right, now I feel incredibly judged for one thing I mentioned. Dude, I've read all of that and was provided that information in the OOC a day or two ago when I asked for help in better understanding everything since that one background in an accepted CS confused me a bit. It was just a point I brought up to explain why I originally wrote that stuff. Don't make such a big assumption like that. :/
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Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Also, someone helping me on the side, before I noticed I had official criticism in this thread, told me that if I changed it so Supers were working there without licenses then it would be acceptable for AEGIS agents to be busting down doors and arresting supers on the spot, especially if they were reported in concentrated numbers in one location.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
That statement is what threw me. Sorry, if it feels I am attacking you that is not my intention. I am just getting the impression that there has been a lot of push to get into the game but I am feeling there might have been some assumptions made about the general universe. I feel that St Starry gave you excellent advice and I feel it would be best to consider it seriously.
Given your inquiry:
The point is that I really don't see any reason for any agents to be hunting her. Your character was clearly different from a young age so there should be plenty of record of their being different. No, one would care to be looking for her. AEGIS is not a mandatory thing.
Under federal laws passed in 2019 after the “Rapture” incident, any American citizen known or discovered to have the A6G23 gene, or “super” gene, must be tested for the possibility of possessing transhuman abilities (henceforth called “superpowers”).
Should the subject test positive for these superpowers, they must immediately report to their nearest Commonwealth office to be ranked - a process in which the subject is forced to display their powers to their fullest capabilities, and then graded based on their destructive potential.
Once their status as a super is made official, all official documents such as passports and licenses will be updated with their rank. This can be found as a black circle containing one of the following letters: D, C, B, A, or S. Normal humans are unofficially called E Ranks in conversation, however, there is no such official designation. A subject is no longer required to wear a limiter if certain conditions are met:
- The subject is over the age of eighteen (18), and
- The limiter has been worn for a full calendar year, and
- No high-strain incidents have been recorded during this period, which indicates sufficient control of powers over a long period of time.
- The subject is not S Rank. S Ranks are the most powerful and dangerous of supers, and therefore cannot be left unsupervised.
This all being said, these are just opinions. If you feel your character is solid then you can definitely wait and see what the GM says because they are the one that has the last say. Just being someone that came in with an X-Men-esk character as my first character, I greatly recall having my bum chewed out for several similar things on my character profile that I ultimately changed.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
There was a lot of push to get into the RP because I forgot to follow this thread originally and then the tags didn't notify me until you mentioned me here tonight so I was clueless I had received anymore criticism. T.T I had no idea I'd actually gotten more to work with after the other RPer helped me fix things up a bit on the side.
Okay, so nobody's looking for her, but if she isn't trying to become a hero and join up with Aegis then I gotta get a bit creative with how she ends up there. I mean, is there no chance at all that she could have been forced to go there if she was presented to have a dangerous power because maybe she accidentally hurt someone? With her personality that I've given her and her background of running away, Sam really wouldn't be inclined to go to an Aegis facility unless she was physically forced there or maybe manipulated in a way to think that she had to go there. Woah, idea!
Okay, so, let's say Sam accidentally hurt someone close to her? Like, a sibling or a parent and then she ended up running away not only because she felt like an outcast, but she felt like a danger to those around her? Would that be a good reason for an Aegis agent to want to track her down and coerce her into going to an Aegis facility so she could learn to control her powers better and not hurt someone like that again? It could explain why she's so distant from everyone and acts cold on the front.
And yeah...mine definitely has started off as an X-Men-esk character, too haha.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
At best the commonwealth might have a passing interest and have something flagged on her profile if the police were to deal with here, like having a warrant. But again, AEGIS is in no way suppose to be dealing with that sort of stuff. They are a program for education and enrichment of supers. Not a law enforcement entity. You are equating the Charles Xavier's school for the gifted to a brute government force basically. Even the Commonwealth would really be indifferent. They have terrorist groups killing masses and supers that can level entire blocks to deal with. One death here and there by a wayward super is considered an acceptable loss that can be dealt with through basic law enforcement. In some way shape or form, an outside party will need to be responsible for bringing her to AEGIS and ensuring her attendance, if she has no desire to go herself. Given that we already have a couple people attending because law enforcement are ensuring they are attending through enforced means, I would suggest steering away from that route.
I would suggest starting with narrowing down what your characters powers are. From there build the kind of life they had and then from there go to history. The X-Men verse basically takes two totally unrelated powers and mashes them up to make an interesting character in their stories. While it makes for a good story there, it will not really work in this verse. I suggest taking the few things you like from Night Crawler, that are related and then build from there. I suggest perhaps even looking at my Izzy Chase as a way to brain storm. That character was build because I love Parker off the tv show Leverage. The cat part of it was because those are skills that would benefit her if she were a super and still a thief, of course. Hopefully that helps a bit.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Right, so focus on law enforcement and breaking laws more so than Aegis agents intervening in any other way beyond wanting to extend a hand to help a Super better control their powers, yeah?
Okay, so let's say Sam hurts someone close to her and then law enforcement is briefly involved for the case, but there's not much to be done other than Sam to go to the an Aegis facility and one of her parents or both decide to make her go after the incident? I could make it more recent and maybe tie in that a sibling happened to visit the haunted house she's at and in a spontaneous moment (maybe someone impulsively punched Sam for getting too close and scaring them), Sam ends up accidentally killing her sibling or maybe her sibling's significant other. Then Sam is involved in the case directly and when her parents find out their runaway child did this, while already not really liking her, they decide to recommend she goes to an Aegis facility and she agrees to because she feels so intensely guilty and bad about what she did. This way, the law enforcement aren't bringing her there like a few others and then an agent could calmly be escorting her in some official Aegis vehicle or whatever.
Heck, doing it this way would make it easier for Sam to hide her 'dirty' past, too.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
Well first off, what powers are you keeping? Appearance or teleportation? I don't see how the two are related so one of them should be axed or greatly adjusted, in my opinion.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Oh, sorry, forgot to mention that I went ahead and edited the powers and the power points section (whatever it's called >.<). I decided to keep the appearance and go with welian's idea of her having superspeed akin to The Flash's. I modified the weaknesses accordingly, too. I even swapped out one of the supporting powers so it'd make more sense.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
Awesome. On that front, I really think that you could change it up. No need for death or anything. Sam's parents were either very much about sheltering them and did not want that questionable AEGIS school tainting their child OR really are embarrassed about having a super child and home schooled them. Either way, Sam has grown up, been bullied quite a bit and struggles with social situations. Perhaps, parents are very religious too and children at church are merciless about the demons side of things.
Maybe Sam got their parents to agree to let them get a part time job at the Haunted house so they could do something out of the house without further exacerbating their parents concerns. Parents reluctantly agreed. First few weeks, character gets startled or what have you and the speed part of their power is discovered in an embarrassing slightly painful but otherwise none fatal way. Problem is Sam really cannot control it! Now parents are faced with a child that not only looks like a demon but is also a speed demon. Now greatly struggling to control the speed part, Sam's parts have forced them to attend AEGIS.
The physical appearance can explain Sam's temperament issues with others. The speed thing will explain the sudden need for AEGIS.
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Okay, yeah, probably couldn't hurt to avoid the cliché 'death in the family is my fault' deal, right?
It's true that Kurt's appearance was perceived to make him look like a demon and he was actually hunted for that reason when he was still living in his hometown or wherever. I do recall seeing that in one of the movies way back when.
It could line up nicely that Sam was unlucky enough to be born into a religious family and was all but an outcast because of her appearance alone. She wouldn't be able to attend church since everyone would see her as the devil or a demon so her family would be looked down upon in the community for housing such a 'creature'. Considering her way-out-of-place appearance and her inability to attend religious events, her parents could've homeschooled her to an extent, but have been always on their toes around her and almost fearful of her, leaving Sam feeling incredibly isolated all of the time and wondering what the heck is wrong with her.
The haunted house deal would be ideal for her parents because it'd get Sam off their shoulders for a bit once a month each year and then Sam would also win because she'd get a break from her family and be accepted for her appearance since it'd be awesome for a haunted house deal.
Then one year her superspeed finally makes its appearance and she accidentally sprints ridiculously fast (maybe messing around and racing someone, but her speed suddenly makes its appearance) and as a result, she, like, sprints into her boss and they end up breaking a bone or something that results in them getting hospitalized thanks to Sam's new power. Since it's so hard to control and that kinda thing easily gets out in the news (and is related to her family so her parents have to take a hit to their social standing in the church community as a result). Ending result is that her parents call an agent and Sam is all for it because it means she can finally get out and away from her oppressive family, as well as avoid ever seeing her boss again after such an embarrassing thing occurred.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
That all sounds good. However, keep in mind that AEGIS is like an after school community program sort of deal. So if she is not going to be living with her family anymore and is still under legal age then she is going to be in the public foster system or something of that nature that will be in no way connected to the AEGIS program. Now on the DL here. There is a building right off campus, like a block away, building where a few late teeners, almost adults that are out of homes for various reasons, are able to rent a place. However, that would be only a low rent section 8 housing set up that is offered by AEGIS to people attending. Now with AEGIS being in every state, do they live in Baltimore or if not what is the reason that Sam comes to the Baltimore 108 AEGIS facility?
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Sam is 18 years old so she's of legal age to bounce out of her family for good if she really wanted to.
And I never really specified where she came from and she's Caucasian (as if anyone can tell anyways) so she could've just grown up in Baltimore her whole life. That way, it'd make more sense for her to be going there. Should I mention her living in Baltimore in her background to clarify this?
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
@Lioness075
Here it is from the Q and A in Welian's words.
Do students live on campus? Is there housing?Facility 108 is not a boarding school. It is designed to be similar to a community center, or maybe even a police academy. It is a place that supers in training attend nearly every day, in addition to whatever other school they might go to (high school, college, or even vocational training). It is assumed that the majority of students are from the Baltimore area (there’s at least one hundred and seven other training facilities throughout the nation, after all) and therefore have a home to go to after training. However, for those that don’t, Facility 108 rents out a small apartment building near the shipyard. This option is not advertised, and the tenants must pay rent.
Here it is from the Q and A in Welian's words.
Do students live on campus? Is there housing?Facility 108 is not a boarding school. It is designed to be similar to a community center, or maybe even a police academy. It is a place that supers in training attend nearly every day, in addition to whatever other school they might go to (high school, college, or even vocational training). It is assumed that the majority of students are from the Baltimore area (there’s at least one hundred and seven other training facilities throughout the nation, after all) and therefore have a home to go to after training. However, for those that don’t, Facility 108 rents out a small apartment building near the shipyard. This option is not advertised, and the tenants must pay rent.
ManicMuse
I ax-o-lotl questions.
After the events you have written out with the history, what if the preacher from the parents church is the one that approaches Sam. They are the one that suggests AEGIS and perhaps they called ahead to make arrangements for her getting in with AEGIS and even paid for 6 months of her rent so she can get on her feet and find a job. That sort of stuff does happen with churches and I could see them doing that to not only assist Sam in getting away from her parents but also find the guidance she so badly needs from people like herself.
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Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Ahh, yeah, that would be perfect. If her parents are so unwilling to help, but just about everyone at church is aware of Sam and what she looks like then the preacher would totally know about Sam's predicament. Then when the power manifests and she has all that trouble, the preacher could step in to help and I can definitely see a preacher being willing to help pay for Sam's rent. Then Sam could hold onto what little money she made at that haunted house and look for a new job after getting settled near the Aegis facility. Maybe even find another haunted house lol. Technically, full-time workers at haunted houses (if they've got a creative side to 'em) work all year long in remodeling the haunted house for next year (if they're smart enough to do this so they can continue to attract customers).
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
All righty, I'm diving back into my CS to completely unroot Sam's old backstory and shove in the new one (though, the haunted house bit will stay in that she still gets the job lol).
Lioness075
Everyone's fighting some battle of their own.
Okay, I've edited her powers, ability stats, AND her backstory.
Since she's not from another state/country, I really didn't think it to be necessary to mention where she is. I mean, if she's not from somewhere else then it should be safe to simply assume she's in the right state and all, right?
Since she's not from another state/country, I really didn't think it to be necessary to mention where she is. I mean, if she's not from somewhere else then it should be safe to simply assume she's in the right state and all, right?