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Captain Hesperus
Alright everyone, I fell behind on keeping up with new character apps, so this post is going to be a bit curt and critical. It’s not that I don’t love you guys, it’s that I’m skimming through nine characters in a row and making sure that everyone has time to edit things by the 22nd.
Lars @Gus
Breaking the fourth wall is not a personality trait. There’s probably a better name for what you’ve described in that paragraph, some sort of philosophy that Lars abides by. Find it and use it.
You’re going to really have to tighten up his powers, make them more limited and specific in scope. I’ve let you get away with breaking my physics and being a literal walking black hole already, but I’ll need to draw the line at “reality bending” as that’s generally one of the powers that I instantly reject. Similar to how Kyle’s dream conjurations expire when he wakes up, I suggest you take some cues from indigo and work out some hard limitations for Lars’ abilities.
I’d also suggest removing “technology” as a limitation or at least be more specific about how it directly pertains to and affects his powers; and would prefer if you removed the part about the spirit world. This is not a paranormal RP, and I’d like to make sure no one gets any ideas about ghosts or magic.
Less breaking the 4th wall, more leaning. I need that shit to support my roof, yo.
Manami @Gus
Her backstory indicates she was created – but was she a normal human girl, or was she carrying the super gene? It’d be best to make that clear. Artificial supers are not, at this point in the story, possible to create.
As far as her powers go, do remember that stats are not acknowledged in-story, they are a strictly meta thing. Based on the stat increases you’ve described, I believe Manami is actually a B rank and should be submitted as such. I also think that her powers could be more accurately described under the umbrella term of [insert sea creature here] physiology.
Under her “monstrous appearance” limitation, you mention that she’s being hunted by Aegis and Commonwealth. Do keep in mind that Commonwealth is a government agency devoted to regulating supers and that Aegis is only a private company that runs training programs for supers. As GM, I’d say that Commonwealth would have a vested interest in protecting Manami (and coyly courting her for her consent to additional tests), while Aegis is interested in filling seats to keep getting grants from the federal government.
Nike @Suzuki Mine
Strong Soul honestly reads like psychic powers to me, so I’m interested in seeing how she’ll interact with some of the other psychic students in the facility, such as Ren and Michael. I’d even argue that her seals are rituals she goes through to enforce self-made mental blocks that limit her powers.
I know you’ve been fretting over her powers for a long time in the Skype group, and while they’re still a little “out there” for what I’ve tried to keep a semi-crunchy story, I do appreciate that you’ve laid out strong, clear, and consistent internal rules for her powers (always very important) and even acknowledged within the sheet that the “soul” aspect is up for interpretation.
My only suggestion tonight would be to throw some numbers into the history so that we get a rough idea of how old she was when she began vigilante work.
Ophelia @KingHink
Dude, you went straight for Hard Mode with no opposable thumbs. Why do you hate your characters? What have these adorable fictional girls done to you?
Finish this sheet. Put something in there. Tell us if she was one of those rare cases of powers activated from the womb, or if she underwent the slow, agonizing mutation of her arms turning into tentacles as she grew up.
Just keep working on this, okay? Let me know when you’ve got this draft done. I don’t think you’ll need a second supporting power for something as simple as regenerating tentacle arms, and the limitations are really clear-cut and obvious.
After reading through reality bending, stat changes, and soul power, I really appreciate seeing such a straightforward character and simple power in an app.
Tomoko @too much idea
The backstory still has a few kinks in it, but the basics are fine – young genius exchange student, enrolled at Aegis. Commonwealth doesn’t have an international presence, so I think her backstory might make more sense if a few details were changed.
Perhaps something like Tomoko being offered an opportunity to study abroad as a graduate student, and then Commonwealth tested her as part of the visa process. In fact, there’s a very well-known school in Baltimore called Johns Hopkins University – lots of doctors and engineers there!
Overall, I don’t have anything against Tomoko’s powers. She’s very similar to Jordan who is also a young super-genius, but they have very different childhoods. If Tomoko is accepted, then I hope to see those characters work together on some grand machine.
Penny @Teh Frixz
I really like Penny! For the ease of interacting with the other characters though, I think you should consider making her a fair bit less radioactive. She’ll still be deadly and generate lots of power, but the containment suit will be more plausible.
I also think you should go into more detail about her limitations, especially the first one. Just pop off a list of what insulates radiation, you know? Then we can technobabble our way through a containment suit. And, out of curiousity:
- Does she glow?
- What’s her half life?
Anneliese @Bag o Fruit
Do you have any idea how refreshing it is to see an older woman in this RP? Like, fucking finally. I did the math. The average age of the male characters in 27.7. For the ladies, it’s 17.9. We need more male students and more female teachers, tbh.
Now, onto actual comments.
You’ll have to pick on role for her and stick to it. Since the eight classes listed are the only eight classes at 108 (therefore “negotiations teacher” is not possible), I suggest a guidance counselor. It would complement the disciplinary counselor’s role quite nicely.
You’ll need to adjust her personality traits. Remember, it’s one positive one, two neutral ones, and one negative one. Honesty Is not a negative trait.
I would not call her second supporting power “intuition”. What you’ve described is very obviously body language and so you make it clearer that her power constitutes both listening to verbal and non-verbal language.
Nor would I call “flexibility” a limitation of her powers. She’s a highly empathic woman, but that does not necessarily relate to her powers. Remember – the limitations refers to limitations of the superpowers, not of the person in general.
Final note: She can listen, but can she repeat? Listening, reading, writing, and speaking are four separate language skills. Just because she is fantastic at parsing and understanding verbal and body language, does not mean that she is able to write or speak the language fluently. Finding and defining these boundaries will determine whether or not she is truly an omniglot.
Page @Manic Muse
She was accepted once before. I don’t see why she wouldn’t be accepted again. The dragon’s breath ability is pretty nifty, and it’s great that you gave it a hard limitation of a defined distance and adjusted her rank accordingly. As for the listed limitations though, I think you should revise the third one a bit and explain, explicitly, how her stunted emotional development impact her ability to use her superpowers.
Jessica @Captain Hesperus
>.> You could just… tweak her app and make her a B-rank? I really like her powers though. Her third limitation would better fit in the history section. Hold on to Vape, okay? Work out some stat combinations. Tag me when you’ve got some more stuff written.
Wolf @CloudyBlueDay
Does her birth certificate really say Wolf? Amazing. Anyways, this is pretty awesome imo. No one had stretchy powers in the previous RP, and you’re the first to do it in Aegis – this pleases me!
Her limitations are quite reasonable. Like I’ve said in response to the other apps though, I’d like to see some more defined, hard limits thrown in. How much stretch is too much stretch? Could she every possibly permanently lose her shape? Sprinkle some more details in there!
//flops
I'm going to sleep now.
There's literally only a quarter of the history done but everything else is complete!
Please do critique what you can so I can get right back into completing It all when I come back from my Holiday.
I most definitely want to get to use him as soon as possible and every bit of advice helps me achieve that goal!
Wolf @CloudyBlueDay
Does her birth certificate really say Wolf? Amazing. Anyways, this is pretty awesome imo. No one had stretchy powers in the previous RP, and you’re the first to do it in Aegis – this pleases me!
Her limitations are quite reasonable. Like I’ve said in response to the other apps though, I’d like to see some more defined, hard limits thrown in. How much stretch is too much stretch? Could she every possibly permanently lose her shape? Sprinkle some more details in there!
@CloudyBlueDay
I checked over your character sheet. I really don't have any input. It already seems very well thought out. Like you already said in chat, some stretch limitations and bam done. She sounds cool. Can't wait to see her in the role play.