Character Critique Thread

Elenion Aura said:
If anybody's still up~


I made pretty big adjustments to history, abilities, and rank. Take a look and tell me what you think!
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Heyyy sorry for the spam but I'm still hoping for any and all constructive criticisms! I'm super new to this roleplay(this is my first character) and while I've gotten an idea of what's acceptable by reading other character sheets, any direct insight would be greatly appreciated!
 
@Elenion Aura Hi, just a few questions about Morgan's powers:


1) Her primary power seems very, very broad, even for an A rank. I mean, can she create complicated devices? Bombs? Aircraft?


2) Does she need to understand the construction principles of the things she creates or does the power just fill it in?


3) Do the objects have to be extant in the world, theoretically possible or are they entirely based on her imagination?


4) Her Mass limitation. How much is it?


5) If the 'largest constructs' have a maximum operation distance of thirty feet, what's the operation distance of the smallest?


6) You mentioned a 'store of psionic energy' (in limitation C), but didn't mention she has a finite energy value. Does she actually expend her stores, and if so what's her upper limit for that store?



Captain Hesperus
 
Captain Hesperus said:
@Elenion Aura Hi, just a few questions about Morgan's powers:


1) Her primary power seems very, very broad, even for an A rank. I mean, can she create complicated devices? Bombs? Aircraft?


2) Does she need to understand the construction principles of the things she creates or does the power just fill it in?


3) Do the objects have to be extant in the world, theoretically possible or are they entirely based on her imagination?


4) Her Mass limitation. How much is it?


5) If the 'largest constructs' have a maximum operation distance of thirty feet, what's the operation distance of the smallest?


6) You mentioned a 'store of psionic energy' (in limitation C), but didn't mention she has a finite energy value. Does she actually expend her stores, and if so what's her upper limit for that store?



Captain Hesperus
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1.) I honestly had the same thought! I've been thinking of ways to slim it down. From the get-go, I was not planning on giving her psionic abilities the breadth or complexity to create intricate machines (though I guess the ability to create pseudo-living things is a level of complexity that's arguably beyond that of machines, lol). I'd be willing to drop that part of the ability completely, 


2.) If I operate under the assumption that her main power now can only be used to create 'Ghosts', or golems, then I'd be comfortable saying that her power effectively does "fill-in" for her inasmuch as she inputs a preferred mass, and envisions the general proportions of its anatomy, and lets her imagination do the rest. Though it helps if she has a model to work off. Like, a picture or drawing works. 


3.) Again, the objects in this case would be limited to 'living' things, but not necessarily limited to existing species in the world.


4.) What do you suggest? I was hoping for feedback on that in particular.


5.) 500 feet? Less? More? I truly don't know what would be considered 'balanced', or acceptably A-ranked.


6.) As far as stores of energy are concerned, I had a few different ideas. She could have a set amount of mass she can create from her psionic energy over the course of a day (regenerating while she sleeps) like how she has a set amount of mass she can create at one time. Like the mass limitation in #4, I would like input on what you think would be an acceptable amount of creation she can wrought in a single day. I appreciate your thoughtful insight, truly! 
 
1) You could limit the animate creations to those of an 'arcane nature', eg. Kabbalah golems, sprites, imps, etc. This could reinforce the 'Wiccan' codename. For the inanimate objects, she can't produce objects with moving parts, not even simple hinges (no spectral penknives!).


2) Sounds good.


3) Yes.


4) Considering the fact that she basically becomes inactive while using her power, you could say that she can produce a mass five to ten times her own.


5) 500 feet seems reasonable, it's far enough away to be a viable 'spy', but close enough considering she's still a student.


6) I'm not too sure myself. We have to consider that Morgan is still a student so her stores might be very limited. Duration has a factor, as might activity. A large golem that simply stands around waiting to do something might have a lower requirement of her energy than a small sprite that she has whizzing around looking for a specific object. I think @welian might need to make a call on that.


Captain Hesperus
 
Captain Hesperus said:
1) You could limit the animate creations to those of an 'arcane nature', eg. Kabbalah golems, sprites, imps, etc. This could reinforce the 'Wiccan' codename. For the inanimate objects, she can't produce objects with moving parts, not even simple hinges (no spectral penknives!).


2) Sounds good.


3) Yes.


4) Considering the fact that she basically becomes inactive while using her power, you could say that she can produce a mass five to ten times her own.


5) 500 feet seems reasonable, it's far enough away to be a viable 'spy', but close enough considering she's still a student.


6) I'm not too sure myself. We have to consider that Morgan is still a student so her stores might be very limited. Duration has a factor, as might activity. A large golem that simply stands around waiting to do something might have a lower requirement of her energy than a small sprite that she has whizzing around looking for a specific object. I think @welian might need to make a call on that.


Captain Hesperus
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1.) I'll take that into consideration! I'll have to tweak her history slightly, if that were to be the case.


2.) Yay!


3.) Yay!


4.) Five to ten times it is.


5.) Agreed. The range limitations are subject to change, I'd think, as she grew in her powers.


6.) This is the tricky part. I hadn't thought of a way to include the actions of the construct itself into the equation. I suppose I had thought of it initially like this: the real consumer of psionic power comes from the actual creation itself, because in that act, she is essentially pouring her spirit into a hollow vessel, such that the energy she inputs no longer 'belongs' to her, but instead to the creation. Thus, if a construct (your stationary golem or high-speed sprite are good examples) performs many actions, though performed at Morgan's behest, they would in fact be depleting their own stores, and as such would break down earlier than if they had remained relatively immobile. With that in mind, I guess I would say that at maximum mass a single construct would last a total of 15 minutes, assuming a reasonable amount of actions are taken. If it were to stand still, it would endure longer than if it had executed multiple actions.
 
Sorry that it's taking a long time to go through the apps, guys. All the GMs are students, so we're in the thick of getting back to school.
 
@Elenion Aura Looks good! Those are fantastic improvements you made. The only hurdle now is waiting for the other co-GMs to weight in.


@too much idea Much better! But now you have to edit a few parts of her profile where you accidentally refer to her as seven years old! You'll also need to adjust her height - she's about a foot too tall for a 10 year old girl, especially one from southeast Asia. I suggest looking for a height/weight chart from a medical website and using that for a reference. I also think you should revise her limitations as well. All three of them relate to her being a child. Her being a child doesn't necessarily relate to where her powers start and end. Hyper-intelligence is really tough to write limitations for since it's such a passive superpower, but perhaps her enhanced intelligence only covers one or two specific subjects, or certain kinds of learning styles. And @Zahzi you should probably take notes too!
 
@Ghost Excellent profile! Like Elenion, I'll need the other GMs to weigh in, but I have no suggestions to make.


@That Guy Leopold Same as Ghost and Elenion. I think you should rename the Superpowers section to "capabilities"


@simj22 Flesh out that history for Josephine! On the bright side, since she doesn't have superpowers, you can delete that entire section.


@Lazy Rocktime I have a suggestion for his limitations. Since "restoration" is a very broad power and he's only a C rank, how about you include a time limit? For example, perhaps he would not be able to restore hundred-year-old ruins, but maybe restore a wall that fell down only a few days ago.
 
welian said:
@too much idea Much better! But now you have to edit a few parts of her profile where you accidentally refer to her as seven years old! You'll also need to adjust her height - she's about a foot too tall for a 10 year old girl, especially one from southeast Asia. I suggest looking for a height/weight chart from a medical website and using that for a reference. I also think you should revise her limitations as well. All three of them relate to her being a child. Her being a child doesn't necessarily relate to where her powers start and end. Hyper-intelligence is really tough to write limitations for since it's such a passive superpower, but perhaps her enhanced intelligence only covers one or two specific subjects, or certain kinds of learning styles. 





 






2
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Oh dang i just remember that her height/weight is for 13 yo!


Alright, fixing her soon!


EDIT: Fixed!
 
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*RINGS GIANT BELL*


The big golden floof is finally complete!


COME MY FELLOWS AND GATHER AROUND, FOR I REQUIRE INSIGHT ON WHETHER HE'S GOOD OR NOT.
 
Yay reviews!




Vape! Sorry, I don't actually know who vape is that well. Everyone else got really excited and it seemed like the thing to do. Personality seems like a... welcome juxtaposition to Danny. Y'know, as well as the dark age comics vibe we've been falling into a little lately. Where did her name come from? I feel like a short explanation would fit well in the history, and it doesn't seem like the kind of name she, as a law-abiding no-nonsense flag-waving heroine, would give herself. Or maybe I'm uptight and conservative. I guess for most people in my age group, it's considered less acceptable than it would be for adults, for whatever reason. Anyway, I see no legitimate flaws in this character. I'm excited to see where it goes!




Blah blah TBAs must be filled before character app is accepted bluh. There, that's out of the way. Fun power, might... rephrase a few things here and there. Not important, but 'I can melt on command!' is an... odd thing to say I guess. Gotten kicked out of McDonald's for less. :P Limitations all make sense and are probably debilitating enough to appease those of the opinion that 'you must be weeeeeeeaaaak'. I dig it.




Wh-what's happening... this black highlight... gold text... agh! EYES MELTING! Jk. I only wept to spare my vision. ;P He's actually 366 years old, right? Yep, confirmed. Noticing a few grammatical and/or spelling bugs not worth spasming over like usual... I like the powers, and the explanation for his longevity was more sensical than I was expecting... It's just, the conceit seems silly. I'm probably not one to talk, but Urial sort of seems like the kind of character people forget about in comic books, along the lines of Krypto or the Impossible Man. Not trying to be harsh.




A doctor! Haven't seen any force fields yet, unless I haven't been paying attention! I have no specific concerns or problems with this character. Except you're required to post a certain amount before you can make a second character, if no one told you...




A nurse! Haven't seen very many E-ranks yet, except Gavin! Did we end up making the human average for energy projection 1? Cause I don't know a normal human is slightly more pewier than is average. :P I feel like the whole app is... unfinished. TCM I feel should be written out as traditional Chinese medicine, Judie is written Jodie in a few places, and the event leading to her paralysis... I guess is your prerogative to keep vague but that feels very open-ended. Did she attack a super? Did a super attack her? Was it a superhero or a supervillain? Was it an accident? Was she robbing a bank or something? And if not, who was Josephine mad at and why did she abandon her crippled sister without a word? A few other minor notes: I'm pretty sure the US government does not consider training in traditional Chinese medicine a qualification for an official job fixing people for them (not saying she's not otherwise qualified and I'm not saying the US government is necessarily justified in that position), I may be biased in thinking the claim "her operating ability and knowledge in biology is second to none in the Aegis staff" a bit presumptuous (since one of my characters is electrically stimulating an inactive brain to walk around like QWOP), aaaand who was Nightingale originally? I feel like we were supposed to understand this.




Okay. "You Think You Can Play Lazarus?" Fuck yes. I can do that. I CAN'T DO A LOT OF THINGS BUT I CAN DO THAT. Phew. Hokay, where was I... Names, Details, Heroism, Stats, etc, good good. From an outside perspective, Absent-Minded might want to be switched with Inferiority Complex, the former becoming a negative trait and the latter becoming neutral. Not so much because one of them is less bad than the other, but because Inferiority Complex fits well with his other character traits and Absent-Minded makes a good 'however...' after the whole going-on about his preference for others' well being over his own. I like what I think the history is telling me, but I'm not totally sure about a few things. How exactly was Andrew 'dark and edgy'? Show, don't tell, right? And I'm not totally sure what's going on with his return to "the right track". Does that mean his father's advice brought him from the dark & edgy teen thing back to the selfless civil servant he is now? Or did it bring him from the agnostic/atheist & gay path back onto the 'proper God-fearing Muslim' path? I think a bit more clarification would be helpful. In the Superpowers section, all the comments I have consist of a modification that occured to me reading this. It says "Particularly, he is able to mend even the gravest of wounds in someone's body, provided this someone still has some life in them." So, I see this as having a cool idea for a power and keeping a safe distance from the ability to restore life. Instead of having the biological reforging be conditional on the living state of the being the flesh is part of (which to me seems kinda contrived), why not just say he can fix any wound, but that dead is dead? Knitting someone's aortal tissue back together won't restore function in a corpse's brain. Good character.




Quinten Claudius Maximillian Baldor Xander Thompson VI. Go to your room. History section, immediate notes: America is not a small town in the middle of nowhere in Nebraska. I checked. :P I'd definitely do this 'classified information' thing you seem to keep doing throughout the rest of the app, so long as I was sure it was cool with the GM. But I don't, cause I'm not. I'll assume you checked with Welian and discussed what his backstory actually is and stuff. I think I've seen this power before. Have you submitted more than once?




I don't know why everybody had such a problem with Tomoko! The history provides a perfectly believable reason for her to be in Baltimore. I wholeheartedly approve of this app.
 
@Bag o Fruit Vape had a cameo in Danny's Testing Day writing prompt, wherein she garnered much hype and reaped the benefits of it. As for her name, there's an in-character reason for that, but someone will have to ask her...


Captain Hesperus
 
Captain Hesperus said:
@Bag o Fruit Vape had a cameo in Danny's Testing Day writing prompt, wherein she garnered much hype and reaped the benefits of it. As for her name, there's an in-character reason for that, but someone will have to ask her...


Captain Hesperus
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is it because she vapes
 
@clarinetti Once you have Ben's history written out, he'll most likely be approved. And, after you've posted as him five times, I'd be able to approve your non-student character as well.


@Gus The GMs still aren't totally sold on Manami as a character, mostly we're just concerned that her plot will conflict with and pull energy away from the main plot of the RP. Her powers though, are fine.


@King Of Imagination You'll need to reorganize Quinten's powers a bit.  The way his profile is right now, it seems like you're trying to get away with more supporting powers than are allowed by including them in the main power description instead.


@Lazy Rocktime Kuroky could use one or two minor tweaks - mainly I'd like to see a defined time limit on his ability to repair an object.
 
welian said:
@Gus The GMs still aren't totally sold on Manami as a character, mostly we're just concerned that her plot will conflict with and pull energy away from the main plot of the RP. Her powers though, are fine.
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So glad to hear she has passed the first hurdle! I can see how the other thing would be a concern. Really though, it is just meant as flavorful background to explain how a cultural 'fish out of water' comes to be in Baltimore. 


I chose japan as being behind the experiment mainly because that is a country I lived in for several years, but it has the added benefit that it is really far away. A non governmental agency would actually have a lot of trouble projecting its power halfway around the globe. I would probably put some agents into her introductory post to explain the crippling of their boat, but they will not be joining the plot as NPCs I assure you!


Any further imperial Japanese agent activity would of course be entirely at your discretion for future episodes.  Mom would start a sushi restaurant and dad a martial arts studio. Manami would become a student much like any other. Her main challenge, the thing I am interested in exploring, is trying to become a normal teenage American girl, working past both the cultural and genetic factors. If she never sees another ninja again it will be too soon, as far as she (or I) care(s).


I hope that will get her past the second hurdle to approval, because I am really getting excited to try writing her...


I even have the first line of her post almost written.


It starts like this:


                                 "It was a bright and placid morning...
 
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