Sherwood

Sherwood

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Luna's Concubine 53
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  • Sherwood
    There are benefits to having a good vocabulary. I recently called a old engineering friend of mine, and I asked what he was working on these days. His response? "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, glass, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment."

    I was impressed, until upon further reflection, I realized that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
    Sherwood
    Wife, grabs pizza: Ow! That's hot!
    Me: What did you expect? For it to be cold?
    Wife: <glares at me>
    Me: I'm sorry, but I have this rare medical condition called 'common sense'.
    Sherwood
    Corgi: Why are my legs so short?
    God: That's just what legs look like.
    Corgi: Ok, that's cool.
    [giraffe walks by]
    Corgi: <glares at God>
    God: Um, you weren't supposed to see that.
    Sherwood
    Child at bedtime: Daddy, I'm scared! There is a monster in the closet!
    Me: Oh, don't be silly! There is no mon-OH DEAR GOD! ITS TEARING MY ARM OFF! HELP! Ha ha ha. Just kidding. He only eats children. Sleep well!
    Sherwood
    Just a bit of advice from a married man: Make sure you pick someone you know you'd be down to have sex with in the laundry room while the kids are watching Lion King and there is still ten minutes before the dinosaur nuggets come out of the oven.
    Sherwood
    At the grocery store today, I saw a big letter 'X' for me to stand on. I've seen far too many Roadrunner cartoons to fall for that one. Nice try.
    Sherwood
    As it turns out, when you are asked which child is your favorite, you should probably answer with one of your own. I know this now.
    Sherwood
    I was arrested yesterday, and as the cop was cuffing me, he said, "Anything you say can and will be held against you."
    I replied with, "Naked Gillian Anderson."

    It didn't work.
    Sherwood
    If I order rabbit stew at a restaurant, am I allowed to say, "Waiter, there's a hare in my stew?" and not get in trouble from my wife?
    Sherwood
    Police officer: Please sit down on that chair. We have some questions for you.
    My lawyer: <whispers> Deny everything!
    Me: That's not a chair!
    Sherwood
    Right now, one of us is thinking about sex.

    And just like that, now it's two.
    BackSet
    BackSet
    I hate you for this.
    RandomBlobMan
    RandomBlobMan
    I do like to wonder about XX and XY chromosomes
    X and XXX and XXY and XYY and such too.
    Biology is a wonder.
    Sherwood
    Me, talking to a friend: I'm going to become a terrorist and kill 1,000 people and a monkey.
    Friend: What? Why a monkey?
    Me: I knew it! No one cares about the 1,000 people!
    LegoLad659
    LegoLad659
    Just make sure not to kill a dog. Then everyone will be down your throat like you threatened them with a nuclear apocalypse
    Sherwood
    I'm starting to host meetings for people with OCD at my house. I don't have it; I'm just hoping that they do some cleaning while they are here.
    Sherwood
    I hope that this virus situation gets resolved before tick season, or we will be getting Corona with Lyme.
    Sherwood
    A lumberjack goes into a magic forest to get some wood. As he is about to swing his axe, the tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
    He replies, "Yes, and you will dialogue!"
    Purr
    And here's one for you, bud!

    When life gives you melons, you're dyslexic. (Credit: BoredPanda.com)

    =)
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