Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people.
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If the US suddenly switched from pounds to kilograms, there would be mass confusion.
What has 4 letters, sometimes, has 9 letters, but never has 5 letters.
9 out of 10 children are okay with bullying.
Last night I dreamt that I was sailing in a sea of soda. But then I woke up just before the best part. I wish I could go back to that Fanta sea.
The Blitzkrieg was fast and fuhrerious.
Spent the last few hours listening to Minecraft music and rewatching my old videos trying to relive the good old days when I would play with my brother without much to worry about. Now he plays Overwatch all the time tells me to fuck off whenever I ask him to play.
God, I miss those days.
I don't think I'll ever be able to forgive Noah for bringing two mosquitoes on his Ark.
Did you hear about the famous Italian chef who died? He pasta way in his sleep.
What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.
So my dad just bought a sound system with Alexa built in. After several minutes of asking, I can confirm that Alexa does not, never has, and never will work for the CIA. Alexa told me that, and I'm totally not saying this because the CIA is forcing me to.
You: Homosexual Intercourse
Me, an intellectual: Smash Bros
"Don't believe everything you read on the internet."
— Mahatma Gandhi, 1987
Me: "These live-action remakes are getting out of hand."
Paramount Pictures: "Lmao here's live-action Sonic."
"Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia: phobia of long words"
Me:
I really like the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
Cow jokes are terrible and overused. They've been milked for all their worth.
Boys have swag. Men have style. Gentlemen have class. But an Apache helicopter has machine guns and missiles. It is an unbelievably impressive complement of weaponry, an absolute death machine.
I want to know the chemical formula of nitric oxide, but every time I Google it it just tells me NO.
Communist jokes aren't funny unless everybody gets them.
If your first name is John, you're basically destined to be an action hero.
The model of Notre-Dame in AC Unity is apparently going to help rebuild the real thing. Hopefully it won't turn out to be a glitchy bugfest when it's done.
Sigh. It was only a matter of time before someone turned the black hole into a hot anime waifu.
RIP Notre-Dame Cathedral.
Me during an exam: Alright, I've spent so much time studying. I'm gonna do well, I know! My brain: -
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