Friend
Best friend
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Bacon
Only Bacon has no end.
Best friend
Boyfriend
Girlfriend
Bacon
Only Bacon has no end.
-
Had an astronomy lesson today. If there's one thing I've learned is that Uranus is full of gas.
An extremely bright star walks into a bar, shining to bright he nearly blinds everyone inside.
"Are you kidding?" The bartender asks in annoyance, covering his eyes.
"No," the star replies. "I'm Sirius."
Living in the tropics be like: sits down for 0.0001 seconds
Over 9000 mosquito bites on both legs and on my asscheeks somehow
If animals don't want to be eaten, they why are they made out of food?
I got a pet newt today. I named him Tiny because he's my newt.
What do you call a group of philosophers? An argument.
*hiding from a serial killer*
Me: omg he's gonna find me
Killer: Every
Me: sOUL CONTAINS A WHISPER OF LIGHT
Psychic: *reads my mind*
My Mind: PEPSI MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN du da da da du da da da
Psychic: what the fuck
Him: I got a new girlfriend.
Me: She's 12
Him: Age is just a number
Me: You know what's also a number?
Him: What
Me: Calls 999
Me: Alright, time to lose some weight. I'm going to eat healthy from now on.
Also me: These waffles could always use a little more butter slams the entire block on it
So CoD 2019 is going to be a reboot of Modern Warfare. Can't wait to see who Gaz reincarnates as this time.
...they just leave you hanging.
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
Did you know that rapper Cardi B's name stands Cardiovascular Bronchitis because her music is also a disease?
What's the best part of a terrorist joke? The execution.
There are three kinds of people. Those who can count, and those who can't.
Tfw you wake up just before getting to the good part of your dream.
Can we stop with the yo mama jokes? They're old, stupid, and have been done by just about everyone a million times.
Just like yo mama.
Me: *Shifts an image in MS Word 1mm*
All text disappears, 10 new pages appear, Earth orbit shifts, Cthulhu is summoned
Banana: Is green
Me: Looks away
Banana: Literally the perfect ripeness
Me: Looks back
Banana: Darker than the darkest night
What do you call a stolen Tesla? An Edison.
How can you tell a restaurant is going downhill? Well, for one, all the tables and chairs and sliding to one side.
What do you call a cat from China? Mi Yao.
Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last long for fat people. -
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
-
Loading…
