To Have Never Loved

[universal silence]

Nora woke to sounds coming from the kitchen. She groaned as she sat up, reaching for her phone. The alarm hadn't gone off yet, but she felt a little more refreshed, so she turned it off. She frowned at the stack of papers in front of her. Even though she hadn't gotten as far through the manuscript as she'd hoped, Nora decided to put it aside for the rest of the day. She could always finish it later.


Remembering what had woken her, Nora pushed herself to her feet and walked over to the kitchen. Glancing in, she found Oliver eating an omelette. Nora leaned against the door frame, instinctively crossing her arms. "Morning, Sleeping Beauty," she said, regretting the comment immediately. It was something her father used to say, and Nora meant it kindly. It occurred to her too late, however, that Oliver might take offence to the comment. She wasn't sure if they were on good enough terms for casual teasing. She hoped they were. Nora had never been the best at gauging social situations.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver looked up from his meal, glancing over Eleanor's slightly disheveled appearance. "Morning," he said briskly, before turning back to his meal. "You could've woken me up earlier, especially since we need to start getting ready," he added, chewing on his omelet. Personally, on his own time, he would always set aside two hours before the true event or time to get ready. Somehow, he always managed to drag on his preparations to fill that two hours, something Emily never seemed to grasp or understand.


He finished his breakfast and glanced back up at Eleanor. "Where did you say this was again?" he asked, turning to wash his dishes. He wondered, briefly, if Eleanor had eaten anything. She was a grown woman and could look after herself, but she didn't seem well equipped to cook or even understand it.

 

[universal silence]

Nora rubbed her temples and yawned, trying to gather her thoughts. "I... I'm pretty sure it's at an art gallery downtown. I can't think of the name, but it's that really fancy one with the weird front?" She frowned slightly. "I can check later."


She glanced over at the clock and pushed herself off the door frame. "I don't know about you, but I'm going to go get ready. I think we're supposed to get there around six. Or seven. Sometime like that." She rubbed her forehead again. Was she starting to get a headache? With her luck, probably. She made a note to take some aspirin as she turned and headed upstairs.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver glanced behind him as she left, frowning slightly as he placed his plates into the drying rack. Should he go upstairs, change as well? He didn't want to, not really and changing around Eleanor seemed like a daunting and strange task. They were hardly comfortable with it, after all.


He puttered around for a few minutes, picking things up around the house and putting them down. They still had around four hours at the least to get ready and he didn't think driving would take so long. Deciding that it would be better safe than sorry, though, he sighed and made his way up the steps as well.

 

[universal silence]

Nora decided to grab some aspirin first. She usually avoided taking medicine, even when she probably needed it, but she didn't want to deal with her mother and an already-present headache. She quickly headed into the bathroom and rummaged though the cabinet she'd claimed as her own. After a few moments of digging, she located the almost unused bottle of aspirin. She dumped two into her hand, replaced the bottle, and walked over to her sink. She swallowed the pills and, after glancing around and realizing she hadn't left a glass upstairs, took a drink of water directly from the faucet. Her mother would have been appalled.


When she straightened up, Nora glanced at herself in the mirror. Her hair was oddly curled from her shower and nap, and she looked rather tired. Nora sighed. She still wasn't sure what she was going to do about her hair, but it would probably have to be better than a quick comb-through. If her mother was planning to pull her in front of a crowd, Nora wanted to at least look somewhat put together. She splashed a bit of water on her face before leaving the bathroom and heading to the closet.


Carefully, Nora pulled her dress out of the closet. It was fairly simple: a long, flowy skirt with a lace top and sleeves, all in a pale yellow. Rather vintage-looking, but Nora liked it. It didn't take her long to change out of her pajamas and into the gown, but she struggled with the thin zipper. Halfway up, the zipper got stuck on the delicate fabric, and as it was on the back of her dress, Nora couldn't quite figure out how to fix it. She struggled awkwardly, her hands grasping vainly at the small zipper.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver ducked into the room just to see Eleanor start to put on her dress and promptly turned on his heel and walked back down the stairs, feeling his face flush slightly. It wasn't like he hadn't seen anyone without clothes on before (he had seen plenty of people without their clothes on) but they had all been willing. Walking in on someone changing their clothes was a different matter. It was like if Oliver walked in on his parents having intercourse (not that that was a risk anymore) or his brother doing so (which was also no longer a risk). He knew about sex, had done it plenty of times but it was just strange and weird and jilted when someone he knew was doing it.


And he and Eleanor were still standing on uneven ground, unsure of what they were going to do and unsure of what they wanted. Oliver had gotten used to having another body around, though he wasn't sure he could say the same for Eleanor. She appeared to enjoy her privacy more than him (or perhaps she just wanted to be as far away from him as possible, which he couldn't blame her for). She also seemed to resent the engagement more than he did (or perhaps he was just eternally complacent, which was probably more true). Eleanor wanted out no matter what and Oliver was the one simply gliding along, letting whatever happen.


A few minutes of pacing down at the bottom of the stairs and contemplating things he really wish his brain wouldn't drag up, he turned and wandered back up the steps, sure that she should at least be partially clothed.


She was, but seemed to be struggling.


He coughed at the entrance of the room and said carefully, "Do you need help?"

 

[universal silence]

Nora almost jumped in surprise at the sound of Oliver's voice, practically slamming her arms back down to her side. Quickly, she turned to face him, doing her best not to stumble over the long skirt of the dress. For a brief moment she contemplated refusing his help. She had been zipping up dresses on her own for years, figuring out how to fix them without any assistance. The thought of struggling with her dress when someone else was watching, however, was embarrassing. The truth was, it would be far easier to let Oliver help her. Nora gave Oliver a weak, sheepish smile and nodded. "I think the zipper on my dress is caught."


Turning so that her back was to Oliver, Nora pulled her hair forward so it would be out of the way. Miscellaneous thoughts swirled in her head. She wondered momentarily if she should have had her dress hemmed before reminding herself that the dress would fit better once she was wearing heels. She wondered again what to do with her hair. The thought that she kept returning to, though, was the embarrassment of Oliver walking in to find her struggling with the gown. How long had he seen her struggle? Hopefully not long. But just the fact that he had seen it made her blush slightly. It wasn't very... impressive. Not that she needed to impress him or anything. But she wanted him to think highly of her. Nora tried to stop her runaway thoughts. They were only confusing her.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver walked forward slowly and stood behind Eleanor, glancing at the zipper in question. It appeared that a piece of fabric had been caught in the teeth of the zipper and he took it gently, one hand pulling at the fabric. "Gimmie a second," he said when he couldn't get it out right away and ducked into the bathroom to get soap, rubbing it against the zipper. After a moment, he gave a sharp tug and it came away from the fabric and he slid it on up, his fingers brushing gently against her back for a moment.


He took a step away.


"It's good now," he said, his throat feeling oddly dry.

 

[universal silence]

Nora hadn't thought about how... intimate the situation would seem when she accepted Oliver's help. His fingers brushing against her back, even as light and as quick as the moment had been, seemed to bruise her skin. Not literally, of course, but she could still feel it, as if the pressure was still there. Nora wasn't sure why she felt so sensitive. Probably because she wasn't used to much physical contact. She didn't really mind it, though. Being that close to Oliver. The realization confused Nora, and her blush deepened. She took a second to compose herself before turning back to face him with a gracious smile.


"Thanks. I, um, wouldn't have thought to use th- the soap." She cursed herself in her head for stuttering. It certainly wasn't helping the situation any. Her nervousness probably made Oliver think she didn't want to be around him. Well, that and the fact that she'd told him she planned to break the relationship off after six months. And the fact that she'd barely talked to him the last few days. Even if she wasn't planning to marry him, Nora was beginning to realize she should probably be kinder to Oliver. And not just the way she acted around other people, with the occasional smile and strained conversation. However they defined their relationship (or lack thereof), they were living together for the next six months.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver gave her a smile in return.


"It's no problem," he said, ducking back into the bathroom to replace it. He sighed and glanced at himself in the mirror; he looked about as tired as he felt. He had dark circles under his eyes that had been there since Jefferson had died and there were already frown lines tugging at the corners of his mouth.


He didn't feel like he was in his twenties.


Deciding that doing anything else than pity himself would be the best course of action, he stepped back out.


"I need to change," he said slowly, hoping she understood that he meant that he'd need some privacy for a bit.

 

[universal silence]

Nora had taken a few moments to straighten her dress while Oliver stepped into the bathroom. She tugged at her sleeves and wondered, not for the first time, what her mother had planned for her. Why she was singling her out. Even after having nearly a week to get used to the idea, Nora wasn't any less nervous about the dinner.


As Oliver entered the room, Nora glanced back at him. It took her a second to process what he said, and another to understand what exactly he meant. "Oh! Right. Um..." Nora's eyes swept around the bedroom quickly before falling back on Oliver. "I'll just... go in the bathroom and fix my hair?" She moved to enter the bathroom before pausing. "I mean, I can close the door. That works, right?"


It felt odd, the two of them dancing around each other like this, neither one wanting to risk offending the other. Nora could remember, back when she was much younger, watching her parents get ready for fancy events. She and Chloe would sit on their parents' bed and watch the proceedings. Their mother would talk about plans for the evening and dresses she had tried on as she bustled about, fixing her hair and makeup, and changing her jewelry at least five times. Eventually her father would emerge from the closet in what he assumed was an acceptable suit before Alice would descend and fix his tie or his hair or something. Those days were some of the few pleasant memories she had of her family. It was times like those that make Nora think that, possibly, her parents loved each other.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"That's fine," Oliver said, opening the closet once more and glancing around its contents. He found an unwrinkled standard black suit and tie and tossed the pieces on, pulling on the collared shirt, buttoning it up, and going through the trouble of searching for cuff links before fastening on his jacket. He smoothed out the fabric and glanced at the empty pocket before rummaging around to find a pocket square which he neatly folded up and placed inside. It was plain white with the initials OS peaking out the top.


It was a gift, if he could call it that, that he had received from Emily when he turned eighteen. She had given him five and told him to always ensure there was something in his pocket. His father had at least agreed to that, saying that appearing professional even if you didn't feel so was half the battle.


It was one of the only things his parents ever agreed on.


Looking back on it, that probably should have been a red flag that their relationship had always been on shaky ground. Some days, Oliver wondered how they had gotten together in the first place.

 

[universal silence]

Nora quickly shut the bathroom door, moving over to her sink to try and fix her hair. In the end, she just brushed it all back into a high bun at the top of her head. It wasn't the most elegant hairstyle she had attempted, but Nora didn't really want to spend too much time on a look her mother would only criticize when she arrived. Nora quickly applied her make-up. She ended up with something between a natural look and an evening look. Again, not quite the best. Nora sighed. Getting ready for these ridiculous parties had always been easier when she still lived with Chloe. Nora would simply sit back and let her sister do whatever she wanted, and Nora would end up with a better look than anything she could come up with on her own. Still, she thought she had done well enough for tonight. Hopefully.

Finally satisfied with her finished look, Nora nodded to herself in the mirror. "You can do this," she muttered quietly. "Whatever Mother has planned, you can handle it. You can talk to people and socialize and it won't go poorly." She smiled weakly at her reflection before blushing, feeling slightly embarrassed by her pep talk. Straightening herself up, Nora headed to the bathroom door and carefully pushed it open. She was almost certain Oliver had had enough time to get dressed, but she still cleared her throat loudly as she peaked into the room to announce her presence.

"Hey. Are you ready to go?" she asked, leaning against the doorframe.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver turned around at the sound of Nora's voice, smiling briefly in an attempt to seem more casual. "As ready as I can be for what is surely my mother's engagement announcement for us," he said flatly. He frowned as soon as the words had left his mouth, his eyebrows creasing together in concern.

"Or your mother's. Or both our mothers'," he said, blinking as his face smoothed out again. Sighing, he walked towards Eleanor and offered her his arm.

"I suppose we will simply have to grin and bear it for the time being," he said grimly.

 

[universal silence]

Nora tried not to panic at Oliver's observation. Engagement announcement? She hadn't considered it, but now that Oliver mentioned it, it seemed so obvious. Nora sighed. It would be just like her mother- throw a fancy dinner, spring something on Nora so she couldn't back out of it. She wasn't looking forward to the dinner - at all.

Forcing a smile, Nora nodded. "I suppose you're right," she said, slipping her arm into Oliver's. Instinctively, she pulled close to him. It was probably the closest they'd been in the brief time they'd known each other, and Nora knew she should leave more space between them, but there was something comforting about being this close to him Oliver. For the first time all week, Nora really felt like she wasn't alone. She tried to shake the feeling, tried not to betray how she felt. It would only complicate things, and she didn't need that. Even so, she didn't pull away.

"Well, I guess we might as well face whatever it is."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver turned to Nora, returning her smile, which he hoped she didn't realize was tight-lipped. She was a warm presence next to his arm, and pretty, too. Over the past week, her look had been far more subdued than the ones he had gotten used to over the years and it didn't take him quite by surprise that the way she appeared now was also rather simple. There were no glittery diamonds hanging from every perch, no stained lips, or penciled on eyebrows that came away with a touch. It was a nice look, though nothing that Oliver would expect would attract good attention where they were going; he had been to quite a few formal parties before and it seemed as much of a time to flaunt off wealth as it was to socialize. Even men seemed to take an extra moment to adjust a shiny, studded watch, flicking it on their wrists so it turned towards any watchers to prove that yes, they did have a watch in this day and age alongside their over-priced smart phone in their pocket. They wore cuff links that glimmered and even though they scoffed at the idea of other men wearing the same deep lipstick that they expect on women, he knew more than a few had makeup artists patting over blemishes and perfecting whatever they could; carefully plucked eyebrows, subtly shaded cheeks, the whole works.

Dignity, to many of the wealthy, was rooted in appearance.

Oliver didn't think he looked too bad for the moment; black tie was usually a safe bet. But his pocket square didn't exactly match with Nora's dress, which was something that was sure to draw unnecessary comments and glances because for whatever god forsaken reason apparently couples were supposed to match. He'd spent one too man nights roaming the room and attempting to woo a man or woman only to find them lamenting about the lack of coordination between whatever "not-it" couple had just walked by. He was less than excited to suddenly be that "not-it" couple.

Worry started to well up deep in his gut, a worry he hadn't dealt with in years, the fear of being looked at too closely, of whispers directed at him, of being questioned without ever being asked. He swallowed the subtle wave of nausea that was making its way up his throat and said, "No point in delaying; the later we get there the more people will notice when we arrive."

He led her gently out of the room, down the steps and towards the car, picking up the keys from the table he had left it last quietly. When they arrived at the car, he disentangled his arm and opened the door for her, giving a mock bow and a crooked smile to hopefully lighten up the mood.

"For you, dear," he said as pompously as he could managed, pulling on some random French or European accent. He wasn't going to take this seriously, so why should they treat it so seriously?

 

[universal silence]

Nora laughed lightly as Oliver opened the door. She was enjoying this - the two of them slowly beginning to joke with each other. Each new teasing comment still felt tentative, uncertain, as if something could be lost in translation. But she missed having someone she could be this casual with. "Thank you, darling," she drawled in a equally exaggerated accent. The endearment didn't even feel as foreign in her mouth as it would have earlier in the week, a realization that Nora didn't quite know how to process. So she ignored it, and focused on fixing her skirt, making sure the long fabric had all made its way into the car and out of the way of the door.

As Nora waited for Oliver to sit down, she let her thoughts wander. Her mind drifted back to her senior year of high school, back to another night when she'd gone to a party she didn't care about in a fancy dress she hadn't wanted to wear. One of the boys at her school had asked her to prom - Nora was still convinced he had been paid - and she'd suffered through a whole night of unnecessary hand-holding and uncomfortable stares. At the end of the night he tried to kiss her and Nora had punched him in the face. It was the only time she had ever punched anyone - and the only time she had gone to an event with a date. Of course, tonight was almost nothing like that night. Except for the fact that her mother was still picking her dates.

At least this date was better dressed. Nora had to admit, Oliver looked really nice. The two of them didn't look exactly like a pair, but she hoped her mother would find them acceptable. Or did she want to embarrass her mother? Nora still couldn't decide how she was supposed to play everything - whether to keep her head down, or make a fuss.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

(On mobile, apologizes for any mistakes)

Oliver shut the door with a snap and walked over to his side. Fumbling with his phone for a moment, he managed to enter the address of the charity event, in some large, overpriced convention building where they had turned an open room into a ritzy ballroom, probably complete with a dangling chandelier that glittered and glinted and would hurt his eyes. He drummed his fingers on the wheel as he drove along, frowning slightly.

In the time that they had been together, which had been rather limited, they had not talked when silence stretched between them. While it wasn't always uncomfortable, Oliver wanted some other noise in the car, lest he work himself up with nerves.

"Who do you think is coming?" he asked. "If it's a charity events, I'm betting all thirty bucks I have tucked away somewhere that the O'Henry's will be there, kissing ass and flaunting whatever designer they are wearing. Probably donating about half of what they were paid to wear whatever over the top, only one use outfit they were given."

 

[universal silence]

Nora laughed. "I think Caroline would die if she didn't wear something worth at least $20,000." As she talked, she adjusted her skirt to keep it from wrinkling. "My prediction is that Mrs. Pinecrest spends twenty minutes trying to get her dog past security, manages to get him in, and then ignores him the whole time while he makes a mess. Last time, he ruined an antique armchair and she yelled at me for suggesting he should be better trained." Nora frowned slightly at the memory.

As they drew closer to the gala, Nora could feel the panic rising in her chest. Her mind kept jumping to worst case senarios, although by this point, she was almost certain that Oliver has guessed correctly, and that her mother (and possibly his) was planning to reveal their engagement. She had assumed they would have had more time to adjust, time to sway their mothers away from this charade. No longer fixated on her skirt, Nora began to absentmindedly scratch at her wrist.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver snorted at the memory of a tottering middle age woman, carrying a purse dog and crying out for him before abandoning him to his own devices. The absurdly, nearly offensively wealthy didn't really seem to see the world the way that others did. Money was a get out of jail free card, a pass to do whatever they want, a magic wand to wave over whatever problem they had.

Out of the corner of his eye, he noticed movement. Glancing over, he saw Nora scratching at herself.

He let a beat pass.

"What's wrong?" he asked. She seemed nervous and while they hadn't quite become comfortable with one another, they were something close to friendly. He supposed, given the circumstances, there was obvious stress (an elaborate lie, a alse pretense for a thousand, a role to play that she no doubt was not willing) but he wanted to be clear.

 

[universal silence]

Partially lost in thought, Nora almost missed Oliver's question. It took her a moment to process his words, and the question threw her for a moment. "Am I that obvious?" she asked quietly, crossing her arms tightly. She paused for a moment, trying to gather her thoughts, but the burning sensation in her chest seemed to push the words into her mouth.

"Well, I- I don't know. I mean I get nervous about this stuff anyways because I don't really like big events, especially the ones my mother plans because then she's the center of attention and then she pulls me into the center with her and then all her friends keep asking me questions, and then on top of all that there's the thing about the engagement and it's only going to make everyone focus on us and I don't even know how I'm going to answer all of the questions and I don't know how I'm supposed to act about this and-"

Nora's words came in a rush, faster and faster, louder and louder, as she found herself unable to stem the flow of words. Realizing she was babbling, Nora cut off her sentence abruptly. She had begun to lean forward during her brief rant, and now she leaned back into her seat, looking rather embarrassed. "Um. Sorry. I don't usually, er, do... that."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

His grip tightened on the steering wheel briefly.

"I wouldn't call it obvious," he said calmly after her tirade. "Just. Self-explanatory in a way. I doubt your relationship with your mother is any better than mine with Emily if we are both forced into an arranged marriage." He drummed his fingers on the wheel, uncertain of any sympathy he could provide at the moment. In truth, he wasn't even sure how he felt himself. Oliver didn't really have any relationship that could potentially be destroyed by the news, while Eleanor had.

"Given how desperate that they seem," Oliver said finally, "I doubt they would throw us into this mess without some more preparation. In a selfish way, I'm sure they wouldn't let us mess this up too much."

He pulled onto a busy street, with valets already making their way to a string of sleek cars, pulling open doors and taking keys. Oliver feel into line himself. A valet appeared, opening the doors for them and bowing slightly, holding out his hands for the keys.

"Thanks," Oliver offered, stepping out and dropping them into the man's palm. He was given a nod in return.

 

[universal silence]

Nora nodded mutely at Oliver's comment. It certainly would make sense, she thought. Their mothers had probably planned for several mistakes and disasters. In a way, it was a small comfort to know that she wouldn't have to worry as much about how to react; on the other hand, however, her lack of agency terrified her in a way she couldn't quite articulate.

Turning to look out the window, Nora watched as they approached the convention building. A mess of cars and valets and partygoers and paparazzi swarmed outside the building. The sea of people seemed to blur together before Nora's eyes; lost in thought, she was surprised when one of the valets opened her door. Shaking away her daze, Nora focused on the entrance. It was some exaggerated archway that was clearly a poor attempt to imitate Art Deco architecture. The gaudy entrance seemed right on par with her mother's style.

After a cursory glance, Nora assured herself that her mother wasn't in the immediate vicinity. She was dreading their inevitable meeting. She hadn't talked to her mother all week - not since Alice had dropped her off in a strange house with a man she didn't know. Somehow it seemed like that had been longer than a week - like she'd been struggling to figure this out for a lifetime.

Nora sighed and steadied herself. She couldn't delay forever. She turned to find Oliver and gave him a small smile. "Ready?" she asked.