To Have Never Loved

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver shrugged. "Go ahead," he said, "I'll probably never use it. Speaking of which, I'm probably going to expected to take a job soon, aren't I?"


It was a pathetic question to exemplify his pathetic life up to that point but it was what it was in all actuality. He didn't know anything he was doing in all honesty, having flounder around for a decent period of time after Jefferson had died, simply muddling through all the expectations. He had originally planned to be some low-level account in a boring desk job that would give him free time to pursue a thrilling life. But instead, he was expected to fill that free time with more responsibilities from a desk job behind a larger desk, one that sat in a room with a glass wall and a nice shiny plaque that declared him CEO.


It wasn't what he had wanted. Jefferson could deal with being chained in every aspect of his life. Oliver couldn't. He was meeker and milder in some respects, yes, but Oliver lived for the freedom and the wind in his hair.

 

[universal silence]

Nora smiled. It was a bit of an odd question; certainly not something she'd thought she would have to answer. Ever, really. "Depends. Am I expected to support you?" she asked in a joking tone, and then bit her lip, thinking.


It wasn't like she couldn't support both of them. Her job certainly did well enough. And Nora rarely spent money. But she didn't know anything about Oliver's habits. Well, that wasn't totally true. She knew what she'd read in the tabloids. And if that really was the life he led, she wouldn't be able to support him.


But then Nora reminded herself that the man she'd spend half a day with didn't really fit his tabloid descriptions. And she wanted to believe that he was better than the rumors.


Nora took a deep breath. "I don't think you need a job for now. I mean, we'll have to see. I haven't had to take care of two people before, and, no offense, but I really don't know anything about you. But for now I think we're okay."


In a weak attempt to lighten the mood, she added, "Besides, if you cook the meals, I'd say that makes up for it."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"Emily or my father would probably make me get one," Oliver said, getting up. "I doubt she would just let me take a house without having to pay for it.


"I'm going to start unpacking as well; I think my phone is in one of the boxes and my father could have been told by Emily at this point and be hysterical."


He prepared to leave the room, though he did turn back to smile at Eleanor. "I'm glad I can offer you some repayment for buying all the food," he said before descending the stairs.


He brought up a large box containing clothes and opened up the closet, designating the right side for himself. The bed might take a while to arrive and it seemed logical to keep everything in the same room, if only for a period of time. It still felt strange, the prospect that he had to imagine a life with someone else, if only temporarily. He hadn't had a long-term relationship in forever and even though it was only six months, it was six months longer than any of his recent relationships.


He did end up digging his phone out and to his disappointment, found that no one had called or texted. It wasn't a surprise, per say. He didn't have any friends. But he had thought that his father might call.

 

[universal silence]

Oliver's comment about his father made Nora pause and consider her own family. She doubted her father would do anything. He might voice disapproval to Alice, but she doubted he would call. Chloe, though, would call the second she found out. Nora was sure of that. She wasn't sure if she wanted to tell her sister herself, or if she'd just wait for their mother to tell her.


Nora sighed softly before heading downstairs to retrieve her own things. At first, she focused on the numerous manuscripts and other papers she had, carefully bringing them upstairs into the office. She briefly attempted to sort things out, but quickly realized she wasn't in the mood for such an intensive task. After moving all of her office supplies and work into the office, she focused on her clothes.


There was a small moment of panic as she tried to determine where to keep her clothes. Should she put them in a different room? Or should she put her clothes in the master bedroom closet? She walked into the bedroom and peeked into the closet, noting that Oliver had left half of the closet empty. It seemed he meant to share.


Nora retrieved the boxes of her clothes from downstairs and began unpacking them. It felt odd, sharing a closet with someone. She'd never had to share a closet before. She'd shared rooms with her sister only on vacations. Sharing a bed was even rarer. And yet, here she was, preparing to all of these with a man she'd met only hours ago.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"So," Oliver said once it seemed that they were both rather settled in, "I guess we have to figure out what to do now."


He found a chair in the middle of their-- the bedroom and sat in it, folding a leg on top of the other. "If we're going on Saturday, I'd like to know what it's about and what I have to wear."


Oliver had gone to a few charity events when he was younger, sipping on expensive champagne and peering at all the dancing men and women around him. They had all seemed more free, dancing about and around others without so much as a care in the world. It seemed as if he was often staring in, peering through a hole in the wall at the events other people took part in so easily.


Oliver had been amiable as a child, he had been told. It was when he was in middle school, when he became aware of what was "right" to feel and what was wrong, when he started to notice Emily's remarks and his brother's achievements that he grew to feel uncomfortable, that he grew to shy away.

 

[universal silence]

Nora sat down on the bed, pulling her feet up so she sat cross-legged, facing Oliver. She pulled out her phone as she talked, searching for the invitation from her mothers with the numerous details she'd provided. Alice was always sure to include extra requirements for her daughter, after an incident several years ago. Nora had shown up wearing the "wrong kind of dress" and embarrassed Alice. At least, that's what Alice had said. Nora still wasn't sure what she had done wrong.


"I can't remember what charity it's for. Probably something to do with animals. Anyways, it is a formal event, so you should wear a suit." She glanced over at the closet. "I'll have to wear a dress. Hopefully one I already own, but sometimes my mother buys me new clothes for these events without warning."


She read the message for a moment before continuing. "The invitation requests guests wear cool colors, but her note says I should wear something yellow or red." Nora frowned. "Different. That's never good. That means she's planning something." Alice always dressed in colors different her required ones, as she wanted to stand out from her guests. The few times she'd made Nora join her were uncomfortable and usually happened when Alice wanted to use her to gain attention.


"The rest of this is a schedule of events- it's 7 to midnight- and the dinner menu." Nora looked back up at Oliver. "If we show up and smile for a few hours, we can probably leave early."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"Cool colors?" Oliver asked, tilting his head to one side in confusion. "Like blues, I'm guessing? I've never really paid attention to that stuff," he remarked, getting up and walking to his closet, pulling aside a few of the shirts so that he might be able to stare at the suits he did have. The majority of them were black, with a few in plaid designs of various browns and tans.


"I'll need to get one if your mother expects me to wear something like that," he told Eleanor. "I don't think I have one."


He turned back to look at her, raising an eyebrow when he heard what she said about her own dress. "Maybe she wants you to stand out," he said. Having never had a female relative around his age, he did not understand what Alice was possibly planning. "Since you're her daughter and all, she might want people to notice you more, so that they see you as, I dunno, more reliable. A family woman," he added, wincing at the words. It sounded somewhat degrading, like she would put the idea of family before everything else, including her career and her own aspirations.


"Sorry," he apologized. "Sometimes I don't think when I talk."


He glanced back into his side of the closet for something to do. "When do you think we'll have time to get me something that matches what your mother wants? I haven't been to a fitting in a bit but I think I know a fairly reliable place."

 

[universal silence]

Nora thought for a moment. "I mean, I think you can get by with wearing a black suit, as long as you've got, like, a blue, green, or purple shirt. Or tie. Or something." She thought for a moment. "But if you want a fitting, we could go sometime this week. I mean, I'm usually done with meetings by two, so I could leave work early."


Nora laid back on the bed and stared at the ceiling, her arms crossed and lying lightly on her belly. "I hope she doesn't make a big scene. I mean, I hate going to these things as it is. It's always a bunch of adults twenty plus years older than me with none of my interests."


"Honestly, the only thing that gets me though those things is champagne and figuring out how everyone has changed since I last saw them." She glanced in Oliver's direction. "I am an expert at recognizing who's had plastic surgery and who fake-tans." She glanced back at the ceiling. "As a whole, though, the events are terrible."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"That would work then," Oliver said, walking back to his seat and settling in after a second. "You know your mother best. If she won't slaughter us over it, then I don't have a reason to worry."


He allowed the silence to stretch on for a second. It wasn't uncomfortable, per say, but it was not a silence that he enjoyed. Oliver still wasn't used to Eleanor still and by the end of six months, he suspected that he would have just barely started to scratch the surface with her. There had to be a reason why Emily had managed to convince Alice that Eleanor would be fine with everything, given his reputation.


He wasn't truly rowdy and in private, he preferred to simply lounge around without doing much. It was what he was good at doing; absolutely nothing.

 

[universal silence]

-----


Nora yawned as she climbed into bed. She pulled the sleeves of her extra large sweatshirt down and slid her feet under the covers. She began to lay down, but just before her head hit the pillow, she pushed herself back up into a seated position.


She turned to look at Oliver. "What are we going to do about tomorrow?" she asked, suddenly realizing they hadn't talked it over yet. "I mean, I know we wanted to keep this quiet, but what if people ask about why you're with me? Or what our relationship is like?"


Nora began to panic slightly. "What if they ask us how we met? I mean, I don't really want to say that our mothers stuck us in a house together and told us we were getting married." She glanced down at her hands. She'd been trying so hard to distract herself with work that she'd forgotten about what appearing in public with Oliver would mean.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver rolled over so that he was facing Eleanor and blinked tiredly. He had come back from a long talk with Emily about taking over the company and he was emotionally drained from having to deal with her for over an hour, her shrill, disapproving voice grating on his nerves. He had gone and gotten slightly drunk the previous night and had ended up sleeping on the couch. Someone had managed to notice him and the sound of his phone ringing through the house the next morning had woken him up before anything else.


He blinked blearily at Eleanor, who seemed more concerned over the party than what Oliver was doing in his spare time. He was partially thankful of that, though at the same time he couldn't help but feel that she was trying to keep her distance by ignoring him.


"We're going to dress up nicely and show up," Oliver told her sleepily, shifting so that he propped his head up on one hand to see her better. "We can just say that I'm tagging along because you're trying to help me with life and whatnot. We could say something vague like you're aiding in getting me back on my feet or something like that."

 

[universal silence]

While listening to Oliver, Nora realized how tired he sounded, and she began to feel a little guilty for bothering him about the next day. But she couldn't get it out of her head.


Nora thought about it for a moment. "That doesn't explain how we met. I mean, we haven't really done anything together before." She was silent for a moment, trying to think of where they could have met. "I suppose the simplest thing would be to say that our parents introduced us. It is basically the truth. But we can't say it's because they expect us to get married. Maybe we say they had lunch together, and we were there?" Nora bit her lip, searching for anything better to say about the situation.


She looked back over at him. "Sorry. I'm probably worrying over nothing."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver hefted himself up onto his elbow and peered over at Eleanor. "That works," he said, blinking at her. "We could say that your mother wanted you to branch out more or something? It seems the kind of thing your mother would want you to do."


Over the past few days, Oliver had gotten the impression that Eleanor was not on the best of terms with her mother and did not always agree with her. He found it almost funny that the both of them didn't speak well of the women that had thrown them together.


"We can say that you found what I did... unflattering," Oliver tried. "And because you're such a kind soul, you wanted to help me out."

 

[universal silence]

"I suppose that works," she responded. "But are you sure that's what you want to say?" She frowned slightly. "I mean, we don't have to present the whole matter as me playing saint because you need help to get your life together."


Nora laid down and stared at the ceiling. She pulled her legs in so her knees were in the air and her feet flat on the bed. She folded her hands and rested them on her belly. Any sleepiness she had felt earlier had been erased by her anxiety over the party.


She was always like this before her mother's parties. Something would make her anxious, and she'd spend the entire night worrying about something that turned out to be nothing. She really shouldn't have subjected Oliver to her needless concern, but it seemed like something they really needed to sort out.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver dropped back down onto the bed, shrugging. "Well, it's what people would believe."


Everyone over exaggerated what he did. They thought he was a slut and didn't do anything but ruin pretty little girls and turned good little boys bad. It wasn't like he ever pressured people into doing it, but one night with a high-class politician's daughter who was supposed to be a model citizen, remaining celibate (even though it was the 21st century and shaming someone for what they did with their body was stupid and ridiculous), hanging out with men and women who drank sparkling champagne with one finger up, and never glancing at amyone who wasn't a doing exactly what she was doing to make everyone hate him. It got worse when they saw him stumbling out of the apartment of some wealthy photographer that captured "the strife and suffering of others" (though the only strife and suffering he captured was the boringness he suffered through as a high class, rich man). They roared that he was corrupting people, as if the photographer had been turned to men in a blink of an eye (like it was a bad thing). He was used to it, used to the idea of him being the unconditioned villain. Used to him being the one they hated.


"Don't worry about it," Oliver said. "They'll be interested in knowing if what you thought of my habit of sleeping with those that are 'good' and 'pure'."

 

[universal silence]

Nora sighed. "Okay then. I guess we can go with that." She fell silent, unsure of what else to say.


She knew she should just let the matter lie. Even if the reasoning the planned to offer people was less than flattering for Oliver's character, he was the one who'd suggested it. She didn't understand how he could let people think of him that way. She hated to think of him that way. Of course, she still hadn't taken the time to get to know him. Nora wasn't sure what to do. Part of her wanted to keep ignoring him, pretending the whole situation didn't exist. But it did, and she felt guilty for ignoring him for the better part of a week. Besides, she was beginning to wonder if she didn't want a relationship with Oliver. Not a romantic one, of course. She almost blushed at the thought. Like she'd give her mother that satisfaction. No. A friendship, however, might be nice. It had been a long time since Nora had had a true friend. Someone from outside of work, or her family. She wasn't sure what category Oliver would fit into, but when the whole fiasco was over, maybe something good would come out of it.


After another moment of reflection on Oliver's response, she turned to him. "For the record," she said, "I don't really care about your record of sleeping with people. As far as I'm concerned, as long as it's all consensual, it's your life."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver turned his head when Eleanor responded and gave her a small smile. It was nice, he would admit, to have someone who was at least willing to give him a shot.


Some part of him scoffed at the thought, curling up and remembering all the reasons Emily had never given him a second chance and all the people that had left.


"Thanks," he said quietly.


He supposed it was half-comical, what his life had become. He was an alcoholic, one that hated the taste but loved the action. It burned him and made him feel half-alive and it was something to do, something that he could be good at because it required little talent from him. Drinking happened alone or with others and it was always the same. It would never change for him and he didn't want it to change. He would rather have it, toxic and terrible as it was, remain as a cornerstone in his life, if only so he could gravitate towards it whenever he got lost. Oliver clung to it because of the memories from before as well; Jefferson had bought him a nice sherry at some expensive bar and Oliver had nearly choked on it and their father had laughed, Emily still next to him and half-smiling, too. They had family dinners with wine and cider that Oliver would end up drinking too much at because it actually tasted good and Emily would hardly be disappointed, her own cheeks slightly red and a lopsided smile on her face.


And all because his brother had decided to go out too late because of an argument he had had with someone or another, someone that Oliver didn't know. Emily hadn't known, nor had their father, but something about it hadn't sat right with anyone. Something about it hadn't felt right. None of them knew why he had gone out so late or why he had crashed and burned so badly.


"We should just go to sleep," Oliver said softly, too many thoughts clouding his mind. The last time he had slept with someone else in a bed, it was before the incident, when he had thought himself capable of loving someone and being loved.


He rolled over without another word and stared at the opposite wall, something churning in his stomach that he almost recognized.

 

[universal silence]

Nora gave a quiet hum of agreement. She stared at the back of Oliver's head for a few seconds after he turned away. She was beginning to think there was something that bothered him, something he wasn't telling her. Part of Nora- the curious, needs-to-know-everything part- wanted to push forward, to find out what bugged him.


A larger part of her, however, decided to ignore the matter. He didn't owe her any sort of an explanation, and Nora didn't really have the right to ask for one. Besides, she had plenty she didn't want to admit to him.


Nora rolled over so her back faced Oliver. She tried to calm her mind, to ignore her endless stream of thoughts. It seemed impossible. Her mind ran through seemingly every possible situation for the dinner tomorrow. Her mother might call on her to make a speech. About the companies. Or the family. Maybe she was going to attempt to publicly pressure her into merging the companies. Whatever it was, Nora doubted it would be good.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver slept as well as he usually did when he was sober. His mind was startling clear in the dark and he no troubled dreams. It was as if his time in the waking realm had left his own mind too exhausted to come up with anything troubling. Instead, his body flipped over to one side again, searching for some kind of warmth to hold.


The previous few nights, Oliver had rarely actually slept in the same bad as Eleanor, having collapsed on the couch intoxicated at least twice. Given that there was enough space for him to move, he took advantage of it. His long limbs splayed across the mattress and closer to Eleanor, one of his palms lying flat on her side as he curled up. A few of his significant others had mentioned that he was like an octopus, always scrabbling and clinging to someone or something.


Oliver himself was hardly aware of it.

 

[universal silence]

Eventually Nora managed to fall asleep, but her concerns about the dinner party leaked into her dreams.


She entered a large room, packed with people. For some reason, she wore a gaudy red gown. She could have sworn she'd chosen a pale yellow dress. Something simple. But instead she had on a dress that made her eyes sore. Odd.


And now her mother pulled her forward and shouted something. For some reason the words didn't quite reach Nora. But everyone turned and looked at her. Expectantly. For some reason her dream self knew she was supposed to make a speech. But she'd forgotten the words. And her throat was dry. She tried to ask for something to drink, but nothing came out.


And then suddenly there were people all around her, pushing closer. Pulling at her arms, tugging her this way and that. She couldn't move. She began to panic. She tried to push them away, or yell at them to back up. Nothing worked.


Nora woke suddenly in a cold sweat, struggling for breath. For some reason she still felt like someone was touching her. With a start, she realized someone was. She jerked away, moving herself to the edge of the bed as the squinted in the dark, trying to gather her thoughts. After a moment of panic, she remembered she was sleeping next to Oliver, and realized it was him she had felt. With a shaky sigh she lay her head back against the pillow, staring at the ceiling as she ran a trembling hand through her hair.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver slept like a rock, probably as a result from drinking so much. He would always sleep deeply and only the light in his eyes or someone physically shoving him or shouting at him could rouse him most nights. Before, he was a slightly lighter sleeper, rousing whenever he heard his mother or father come home late after a business trip.


He was unaware of Eleanor or her dreams and gracelessly rolled over onto his stomach, his face pressed into the pillow and his mouth slightly open, drooling onto it. After that became uncomfortable, he rolled back onto his back and allowed one of his hands to dangle off the bed, oblivious to the rest of the world and the night.


After a few more hours, he ended up rolling fully across the length of the bed, overtaking his half and lying closer to Eleanor than he had planned to when he had gone to sleep. He wasn't pressed up against her, but the distance was not one that many would find comfortable.

 

[universal silence]

After calming herself down, Nora managed to fall back asleep. She didn't have any more dreams, or if she did, they didn't linger for long. Either way, she did not sleep well, and woke up several more times throughout the night. After each occurrence she would adjust herself and fall back to sleep only a few minutes later.


The fifth time Nora woke up, she glanced over at the clock beside the bed. 5:38. It didn't seem like she was going to get any more sleep, so she decided it would be easiest to get started with her day. Surely it would be easier to find something to distract herself with than to lie in bed wishing for more sleep. She began to roll onto her back, but bumped into Oliver. Nora frowned slightly. She wasn't quite sure if it bothered her or not that he was all over the bed. On one hand, it didn't leave her much room, and she still didn't know him very well. On the other hand, though, it felt... casual. Like there was something normal about their situation. She decided to ignore it for now. She'd tell Oliver if it got to be a problem, but until then, she would leave him alone.


Nora quietly pushed herself into a seated position and swung her legs out to touch the floor. She paused for a moment to rub her eyes and yawn, curling her toes and stretching slightly. She stood up and slipped silently out of the room, determined to let Oliver sleep. Once she reached the kitchen she busied herself with making tea and toast, humming quietly to herself as she did so.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Usually, Oliver would go to bed at around three in the morning and wake up when he was hungry or needed to use the bathroom. The result was a haze of exhaustion that followed him for most of the day, coupled with a pounding headache from alcohol or a walk of shame that left him feeling drained after he was sure that there would be at least thirty new articles about him that Emily would yell at him over.


Going to bed at a half-decent time of before midnight had not aided in things.


He slept through the early morning and past noon, dead to all the world as his body went about its now established cycle. He barely registered Eleanor leaving the bed and instead simply rolled about and splayed his limbs out over the covers. His dreams weren't so empty, however.


Hazy images of burning lights and blinking eyes swallowed up his consciousness. The lights were a startling white, like camera flashes and as he watched, color filled them and darkness and they were eyes, peering at him with no reason or purpose than to just watch. The lights turned red and blue then and the world darkened and he could smell fire, burning fire that clawed at him though he could not see it. It dragged at him, pushing him down and swallowing him whole, though the burn did not sting and the flames did not heat him.


He woke up a moment later, breathing heavily in panic and glancing at the clock to realize that it was nearly two in the afternoon.


Swearing, he scrambled out of bed and headed to the bathroom, scrubbing at his face before jumping in the shower to rinse himself off and hopefully wake up.

 

[universal silence]

Nora hadn't been sure when Oliver would wake up. She decided to let him sleep, unwilling to wake him up herself.


Saturday had progressed basically the same as it normally did for her. She ate whatever she could find or make without much effort. Mostly toast. She ended up showering in one of the other bathrooms, determined to avoid the main bathroom and make as little noise as possible. Unfortunately, this meant she had to put her pajamas back on, and she was still wearing them at two in the afternoon.


After eating what she considered "lunch", Nora had finally sorted through the mess of papers in her office. She took a manuscript downstairs to the living room and had been editing it for the better part of an hour. The monotonous task, combined with a lack of sleep, drew a yawn from Nora. All of the sudden, she felt exhausted. She glanced over at the clock. Eventually she'd have to get ready for the dinner. But a quick nap couldn't hurt. Right?


Nora sighed and grabbed her phone. She set an alarm for three. That seemed like enough time. And if Oliver wasn't up by then, Nora would just have to wake him up. With a nod, she set the phone down and laid her head on the armrest, stretching her legs across the couch.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver scrubbed himself down as quickly as possible before drying himself off, tossing the towels onto the floor before doubling back to place them in the laundry hamper and have a projection of organization about him. He then scrambled towards the bedroom and decided to pull on his jeans and a faded T-shirt with a design of some band or another on the front, given that wearing a suit so early before he had to would probably wrinkle it.


He hopped on one foot to get socks on before heading downstairs as quickly as possible, bypassing the living room and making his way to the kitchen, eager to eat something. He opened the refrigerator to find some fruit and use the blender that Emily had so kindly given him, tossing in strawberries and blueberries and bits of a banana he chopped up before cracking a few eggs in a skillet to make omelets with, tossing in pieces of bell peppers and adding a dash of salt and pepper.


Oliver flipped through the cabinets to find a cup and a plate to put his breakfast (or rather, meal at the hour) before finally sliding into a seat and noticing that Eleanor was absent.


He frowned slightly before working on his food. Did she work on the weekends? It seemed a rather sad life (if he was any judge), to simply work all the time.