To Have Never Loved

[universal silence]

Nora sat down across from Oliver, pulling her feet up under her so she sat cross-legged. She pulled the bowl of pasta over.


"This is very good," she said after swallowing a bite. "I approve of your... lazy college food." She gave him a smile and ate for a few moments in silence, trying to thing of something to say.


"We ought to try to get to know more about each other," Nora said, glancing up at Oliver. "What... who..." She struggled for a moment, searching for a conversation topic. Finally, she managed, "What's your favorite book?"


Nora almost groaned at the question. It was weak, at best. But most of her socializing was confined to publicity events for her publishing company, where books were often the topic of conversation. She could only hope Oliver liked books. Were there people who didn't like books? Or was that only her parents?

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver gave Eleanor a smile at her compliment. It was nice, having someone actually appreciate what he had done instead of nagging him about how it could have been done better.


He frowned at her question.


"None come to mind," he said carefully. "I liked old fables when I was younger, like the Iliad and the Odyssey and I was really into ancient mythology for a while. I did read the Harry Potter series when it came out but it never really stuck." He chewed for a second.


"I've never understood how I'm supposed to choose a single book out of all of the ones I've read," Oliver said, scraping up the last bits of his food. "They're all good in their own way except the terrible ones. I read 50 Shades of Grey when it first came out like five years ago," Oliver said. "It was really bad and still is terrible."


He swallowed his last spoonful. "Do you want seconds?" Oliver asked, getting up to eat some more.

 

[universal silence]

"Yes, please," Nora said, holding her empty bowl out to Oliver.


"I know what you mean. I mean, I've got some I like more than others, but I can't choose a favorite." She looked down at her hands for a moment before looking back up. "It's just kind of the default question I use for conversations. My answer is usually A Tale of Two Cities or something."


She shifted slightly in her chair. "I end up reading a lot for my job. Turns out there are far more terrible books than you'd think." She laughed. "I once read a manuscript about a scientist who invented a piano that could control people if her played a certain melody. And then he used it to find love. It's probably one of the saddest things I've ever read. And it was poorly written, on top of all that."


She shifted, moving so she sat on one foot and let the other hang down towards the floor. "There was one action scene in the entire thing, and the author ended it abruptly for a love scene with the woman the main character was after. And then they never talked about it again."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver took the bowl and filled it up again before sliding it towards Eleanor. He wrinkled his nose as she mentioned A Tale of Two Cities. "I'm sure A Take of Two Cities is a great book," he said, "but my English teacher killed it for me. I found it way too stuffy and not what I usually read and I had to do it for a grade. Naturally, I ended up hating it."


He scooped a few more forkfuls of pasta into his mouth and listened to her talk about the book she had had to read.


"That sounds terrible," he said sympathetically. "I've never understood why people insist on putting sex scenes in any sort of media. Chances are, if I've been reading a book for a while, I'm not looking for an explicit scene, especially if it doesn't move the plot forward. And it always seems to be the 'ultimate thing' for a relationship which is just ignorant."


He ate another mouthful and chewed for a bit, letting himself gather his thoughts.


"I had a few friends in college," he started, "who frankly hated the thought of intercourse. It was terrible, how everyone who they tried dating treated them, like they were less than human for not wanting to have it."

 

[universal silence]

She listened to Oliver's comments about needless sex scenes in media, silently agreeing with him as she ate her pasta.


Nora paled at Oliver's comment about his college friends, glancing down at her bowl. While it wasn't 100% her, it was close enough that she could feel the familiar drop in her stomach. Past relationships echoed in her head. Chief among them was her last relationship, the one that had lasted the longest, the one that made Nora swear off dating.


It was Nora's sophomore year of college. She was the second girl Nora had dated, and only the fifth person overall. Nora thought she'd understood. And she said she did. She said she was fine with waiting until Nora felt comfortable. Nora had corrected her. 'If. If I feel comfortable.' And she'd nodded and laughed and given her a hug, promising her it was no big deal. That she'd wait forever.


As it turned out, 'forever' was about a month. Nora found her with one of the guys from their literature class. After they'd gone through the usual cycle of 'it's not what it looks like' and 'I didn't really mean it,' she finally confessed the truth. 'You couldn't have honestly expected me to wait forever. I mean, come on, El. I figured you'd get over it in a few weeks, and this wouldn't be an issue.' In the end, Nora wasn't even the one who broke up with her. She walked out and stopped answering Nora's calls. Two days later she'd dropped the lit class, and Nora hadn't heard from her since.


That was the last time Nora remembered crying, really and truly. After that, she stopped caring. Stopped listening. She threw herself into her schoolwork, and later, into her business. She suffered through a few painful blind dates set up by people who couldn't believe she wanted to be alone until they, too, stopped trying. Only her mother still worried about it, and Nora had thought she'd finally begun to accept her choice. Until that morning, of course. Nora briefly wondered if the reason her mother had stopped bothering her for a few weeks was because she'd been busy arranging the marriage. And here, Nora had thought she'd finally begun to understand.


Nora realized she'd been silently poking at her food for nearly half a minute without responding to Oliver's comment, her grip on the fork growing tighter and tighter until her knuckles were almost as white as her face. When she set the fork down, an outline of the edge of the utensil was clearly visible on her hand. Nora pulled her hands down into her lap, and she began scratching at her wrist.


She cleared her throat and, without looking up, said, "Well, that's certainly not fair. I- I mean, that doesn't make them any less... human." It was exactly what she'd told herself. What she'd been telling herself for years. What she believed only half the time.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver watched Eleanor for a moment, frowning. Her silence was concerning and for a second, he thought he had said something wrong. After a few more moments, she spoke again.


It did not take much for Oliver to realize that he might have hit a nerve, or at the very least, a bad memory. He rooted around in his own bowl for a second, buying himself time to formulate a response.


"No, it doesn't, " he said, agreeing with her. "There's more to life than just intercourse."


He ate in silence for a few minutes, finishing his bowl once more, waiting for the next prompt as it seemed that this one had just been worn out.

 

[universal silence]

Nora silently scolded herself. They'd been getting along so well, and then she'd gone and made it awkward.


She coughed and stood up. "Well. I'm going to do the dishes. I suppose it's only fair, since you made the meal." Nora gave Oliver a smile, trying to show that she was fine, that his comments hadn't affected her. Even if they had.


She carried her bowl over to the sink, hurriedly scooping the last few bites into her mouth as she did so. She turned on the faucet and began filling the sink with soap and water.


It was a poor attempt to cover up the conversation. And some part of Nora felt the need to justify herself, to explain her actions. But it wasn't something that she knew how to tackle, or how to bring up. And she was still worried about how he'd respond. Sure, he seemed supportive of his so-called college friends, but being in a relationship with someone who was ace was a different matter entirely.


Nora stopped. They weren't in a relationship, she reminded herself. There was a reason she'd said six months. It was so she didn't have to deal with this mess. So she wouldn't have to make him choose. Nora tried to push her thoughts from her head, focusing on the dishes. She realized a little too late that there was actually a dishwasher, but decided washing the dishes by hand might be relaxing.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver watched Eleanor get up and leave the table, finishing up his food as well. He got up slowly and shuffled after her, carrying his own bowl and placing it gingerly next to her one the counter as she washed the dishes, unsure how to approach the situation.


Oliver shifted from one foot to another, never having been good at confrontations. He knew that the nature of their arrangement was strange; they were expected to marry by two of their very prominent parents while they were struggling to maintain a balance of distance and to keep things on their own terms. Things like sexual preferences and small habits weren't things that they would necessarily have to exchange over the course of their six months with one another, but it certainty felt like it in a way. They weren't distant but they weren't close and the gap there was widening.


"Hey," he said quietly, "If you're concerned about it, I don't think either one of us will be dealing with intercourse for the six months we're stuck together. The bigger concern should be getting Emily and Alice off of our backs so there's no need to go towards more... sensitive topics."

 

[universal silence]

Nora nodded. "Right, yeah. Sorry. I... I don't know what happened there." She did know. She'd freaked out about nothing. As usual. "Just forget that. Please?" She glanced over at him as she grabbed the bowl, then looked back down at the water.


She hadn't realized it was something she was worried about, but now that Oliver had assured her he didn't expect anything, it was like a weight had been lifted. She had to admit, Oliver was far more accommodating and understanding than she would have thought. If she could keep her own temper and mood under control, she might not mind living with him for six months.


As she set the last dish out to dry, she turned and looked at Oliver. "So what do we do now? About our mothers, that is." She crossed her arms and leaned against the counter behind her.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver shrugged in response. "I haven't talked with Emily for quite some time now," he started. "In fact, I think this morning was the longest time we've been in each other's presence since..." He paused.


He wasn't sure to what degree Eleanor knew about Jefferson or his death. He doubted that Eleanor knew nothing about him, as Jefferson was the handsome, attractive brother that would probably be a decent husband while Oliver just putted around in the background. His death had been kept fairly low, with his parents paying off most companies not to breathe a word about it, either too deep in their grief to want to deal with the press' questions or too worried about the possible swirl of rumors that would appear. Of course, it came out bit by bit that the glorious heir to Emily Spadding's great company was dead and in his place was Oliver, someone four years younger and with infinitely less charm, talent, and leadership.


Oliver remained quiet for a few more seconds before deciding to go a different route.


"If we act like things are working out for us," Oliver continued, "then they'll think we're planning the wedding. The invitations aren't out yet so we can just, I dunno, destroy them and then when six months are up, we quietly part ways. No one but Emily and Alice know about the arrangement, hopefully. We can just... lie low about it when we part ways."


The idea of going home to an empty apartment was never appealing and for some reason, seemed even less so at that moment, but Oliver could handle it. He had always been able to.

 

[universal silence]

Nora sighed. "I wish that would work. But I doubt my mother will let this happen quietly." She rubbed her forehead as though the thought itself gave her a headache. "I mean, she basically said the reason she agreed to all this was that she wants me to be the family distraction."


It was always like that. When something happened that reflected poorly on the family, Alice found something to distract the world. Her graduation had been the most extravagant party her mother had ever thrown, and only because her father had been arrested two weeks earlier for a DUI. Nora wouldn't have been surprised if the news of their engagement had already been leaked. She hoped not, but one could never be sure with Alice.


At that moment, Nora's phone beeped. She frowned slightly and walked over to the counter where she'd left the device. "Speak of the devil," she muttered, opening the new message from her mother. "It's a reminder that I'm supposed to go to her charity dinner on Saturday, and..." Nora's voice trailed off. She turned pink. "She has informed me that you're expected to attend as my plus one," Nora said, not looking at Oliver. "I mean, technically, the message says that it would be nice if I would invite you, but coming from my mother, that's basically a threat."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver hummed to himself. "Ifnshe has announced it, I'm sure we'd know. My father would at least be texting me non-stop, trying to figure out why and how it happened."


He stuck his hands in his pockets, fishing around in them and frowning when he realized his phone wasn't there.


"Well," Oliver tried, glancing over at Eleanor, "I'm sure your other parent would be curious, if they weren't in on it."


He frowned at her mention of a charity ball. "Do you think if I act drunk enough and embarrass you--sorry in advance on that, since it's pretty much inevitable--your mother might call it off?"

 

[universal silence]

Nora laughed and thought about it. "I mean, it's possible. You might have to do it on multiple occasions, though." She was quiet for a moment, and then continued. "The only problem is that even if we can throw my mother off, that wouldn't help your position with your mother."


"Perhaps it is best if we just pretend everything is fine. If we show our mothers we're improving, maybe they'll let us back out gracefully. Then, if it leaks to the press, we can just come up with some excuse to break up."


Nora yawned and shifted in place, setting her phone down on the counter. "This whole mess just feels unreal," she said, looking at Oliver. She ran her fingers through her hair and sighed.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver shrugged. "Emily and I haven't had the best relationship in ages," he said simply. "I doubt it's going to get better anytime soon, even if this goes well." While some would usually tell him how sad it was that he no longer spoke with Emily, Oliver would shrug it off. They had never been close, with Jefferson taking most of her attention. She had tried to mold him into the perfect model and along the way, saw him not as the back up but as the second one that she never really had time for.


His father had tried to explain to him that Emily loved him, in her own way. Oliver never saw it. Perhaps his father eventually relented to Oliver's view and divorced her.


"I'll say," Oliver said calmly.


He glanced around after a pause and turned back to Eleanor. "Do you think we should check out the house? Just to see what we still need to get and unpack a little."

 

[universal silence]

Nora nodded. "If we're going to be here for the foreseeable future, it would be nice to have a general feel of the place." She leaned down and grabbed her phone, slightly worried that the small device might be their only way to tell time in the entire house. She shoved the phone into her pocket and walked over to Oliver.


"So far I've seen basically the same areas you did. I did see a room at the top of the stairs when I changed, but it didn't seem to have a bed, so I'm not sure if it's a bedroom or not." Nora crossed her arms slightly as she walked.


She glanced around the house curiously. The rooms she had seen so far were much fancier than what she preferred. Her mother's taste was clear in several of the more gaudy and unnecessary features, and Nora wondered if the entire house would echo the main living areas. It felt like being back at her parents' home; a feeling that didn't bring nearly as much comfort to Nora as she imagined it would bring to other people.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver followed after her, peering into the living room that led to a lavish foyer. He spotted what appeared to be a room for recreation, as the only thing he spotted was a large flat screen TV mounted to the wall, alongside speakers and empty bookshelves that he would assume would be filled with whatever he wanted. There was an even more lavish dining room besides the small one they had used, and Oliver assumed that one would be used to entertain guests. There was also a bathroom that was too fanciful for Oliver's tastes, with a plush white carpet that he pressed his toes into and snickered to himself about, feeling like a child standing in his parents' bathroom again. The sensation faded as he puttered about upstairs, noting what appeared to be an office as well as two empty rooms, where only a grand carpet lay. Opening the closets, he found nothing of use in there. He headed into the largest room and noticed that there was a bed made as well as a bathroom that branched out, as ornate as the rest of the house.


He poked his head into the other two rooms, frowning slightly.


"Is it just me, or is there only one bedroom that's made right now?" he asked Eleanor.

 

[universal silence]

Nora nodded. "I didn't see any others." She frowned and checked the other rooms herself. "That doesn't make any sense. I mean, what kind of a house only has one bed?"


She walked back into the largest room, the one she supposed was the master bedroom. She leaned against the wall and slid down into a seated position, her legs crossed and her back against the wall. Nora closed her eyes and leaned her head back.


"I'll bet you anything this was my mother's idea. I mean, I'm not exactly sure what she was expecting, but it was her idea." She opened her eyes and sighed. "I don't suppose you saw blankets anywhere? Because I can totally sleep on the couch."

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver frowned and shuffled over to the closets, opening them up. There were spare towels and pillows, but he saw no blankets.


"I think they wanted us to sleep together," Oliver said, glancing at the bed. It was a decent king or queen sized bed, something that Oliver would not mind sleeping in. However, he was not inclined to do so with someone he had just met that morning, especially since most people he met that day that he took to bed usually had something in mind, something that Eleanor had made clear she did not particularly like or at least had had bad experiences with.


"Well fuck," Oliver said simply.

 

[universal silence]

Nora laughed. She couldn't help it; the entire situation just seemed too ridiculous.


"I- I'm sorry," she said, trying to stop laughing. "That's not really the appropriate response. I just- this whole thing." She sighed and pushed herself to her feet. "I mean, what is it they're expecting? That sleeping in the same bed is going to make us fall in love or something?"


She crossed her arms and glared at the bed, as if she could make a second one appear with shear willpower. She was fully aware of the implications that came with sleeping in the same bed. Obviously. But Oliver had promised they wouldn't have to worry about intercourse. And the bed was rather large. And it looked incredibly soft. She wondered briefly if they might be able to share the bed. Just until another one was purchased, of course. It would be temporary. Like the whole arrangement.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

Oliver blinked when Eleanor began laughing but said nothing more, instead walking over to the bed and prodding it with his finger.


"It's fairly soft," he said, poking it again. "If anything, I say we take advantage of how much money the poured into this and use it for a bit. I mean, what's the thread count on this thing? What even is a thread count and how does it matter?"


Oliver turned to Eleanor. "You think we could borrow your mother's credit card to get another bed shipped in? I mean, if there's one thing we can do it's use their perceived notion of this relationship to mooch off of them. Seems fair to me, at least."

 

[universal silence]

Nora pondered the possibility. "I mean, I haven't really asked her for anything in years. But if I play up this whole thing, maybe." She began to pace, taking long, slow steps from the door to the bed and back.


"It might actually be possible. I can tell her I wasn't prepared for the house, and I don't really want to spend much money on it... But she'll only give me the money if she thinks this is working." Nora frowned, deep in thought. "I'd have to have some reason that I can't spend my own money."


She continued pacing as she thought. If they wanted money from her mother, they'd really have to sell the relationship. She wasn't sure how much convincing her mother would need. She wasn't even sure if her mother would agree to anything. The whole situation was foreign to Nora, and there was no precedent on which to gauge her mother's potential actions.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"Tell her it'll be like her gift to us at our wedding or something," Oliver said, giving up on figuring out the thread count and sitting on the bed. He hadn't contacted Emily for anything over the past few years, simply taking it instead when he needed it. Oliver had realized very early on that no one checked to make sure that the card he used was his own and Emily had simply let it lie the first couple years and it turned into something she couldn't control later on. He hadn't ever asked for anything, it had just happened.


"Or perhaps mention that we plan on inviting friends over at one point to celebrate the... engagement," Oliver said, fumbling over the word, "and would like more beds so that they can stay and help celebrate. Like an engagement party. Though that might require us to bring people over."

 

[universal silence]

"I don't really... Oh! I know!" Nora paused her pacing at turned to look at Oliver. "I could tell her that I want to invite Chloe over. She's my sister," Nora explained, unsure if Oliver knew who she was. "I mean, that's reasonable, right?"


Nora spoke to her sister usually every two weeks, but they hadn't seen each other in months. Chloe stayed busy, most likely in an attempt to avoid their mother. Nora didn't blame her, but sometimes she missed her sister. Inviting her to visit might not be a bad idea. If she did actually invite her. It occurred to Nora that that was something she'd actually have to clear with Oliver. For now, though, it would make a good excuse.

 

[FloatingAroundSpace]

"That would work," Oliver said. He did know Chloe to some degree, though it was only through what she wrote in the magazines and whatever comment someone would make about the more outgoing sister.


He yawned and lay down on the bed, blinking tiredly at the ceiling. He felt drained, even though he was sure it was barely the afternoon. The entire day had felt like a rollercoaster of emotions.


After a second, he grunted and sat back up. "We should start unpacking."

 

[universal silence]

"I suppose we should, since we're going to be here for the foreseeable future." Nora began walking towards the door, and then she turned and looked back towards Oliver. "I noticed an office next to this room. Would you mind if I took it?"


Nora tried to process what unpacking her things would mean. Hopefully nothing. After all, she was going to be in the house for at least six months. It wasn't like she could just leave all of her things in boxes until then.


On the other hand, however, it almost felt like giving in. Like letting her mother win. Nora shook her head. That wasn't what was going to happen.