Journal silently screaming

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

you know what fuckin sucks?
what sucks so fucking badly i've tried to kill myself over it?
so bad that i feel like i can't exist normally?
fucking mental illnesses i'm scared to tell anyone i have
fucking trust issues
i feel like everyone hates me i should dig a hole and fucking die
i cant even ask people if they hate me because theyre gonna be annoyed or lie
it fucking sucks
it fucking sucks that the person who was your best fucking friend hated you
it fucking sucks that the person who you loved most fucking raped you
it fucking fucking sucks
it fucking sucks that they dont even think about you anymore
it fucking sucks
everything fucking sucks
it fuckin sucks when your only outlet is making mentally ill characters that turn out to be just like you
it fucking sucks that you cant even share your coping skills with people because theyll find you weird
it fucking sucks that people find your coping mechanisms bad
it fucking sucks
it fucking sucks when youre afraid to message someone because you think they hate you
it fucking sucks when you trust someone and are afraid they'll hate you
it fucking sucks when you have so many personality barriers and dont know who you are
it all fucking sucks
it fucking sucks when youre lost in your own storm
it fucking sucks because there is no way to fix it
it fucking sucks when everything is too much and nothing is enough
it fucking sucks when youre afraid to take the wrong step or do the wrong thing
it fucking sucks when your brain convinces you that the paint on the wall is bugs trying to kill you
it fucking sucks when know youd let them

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

my brains been actin really weird lately
disassociating more
realizing just how much i'm little
knowing i'm probably a fuckup
wondering who would care and who wouldn't

fuck man i've even anbondened friends for pet cockroaches
i can't figure out how to define a friend so i just quit
so now i have twelve pet cockroaches three pet rats one naked mole rat one cockrat and a fancy cockroach
still leaves us at three people i actually consider friends
pet cockroaches 1, two, and three

things are chill with stardust tho, i think
they are still dating LNB, who i dont really talk to as much due to him making fun of me
i realized how similar we are
we are both fuckups
neither of us think we deserve to be here
we both regress (them to seven me to two/three)
we were both raised as only children
we have similar trauma
we've both debated ending our lives
we both think everyone hates us
we're both scared shitless about everything
we've got a lot in common, me and pet cockroach two.
and maybe that's a bad thing
maybe the pieces of a can Red gave to me sitting in my closet if i ever need it is a bad thing
maybe the entire premise of the ecosystem is a bad thing
and maybe that's ok