Journal silently screaming

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

last night we were at a dance.
I went with a friend of mine (we really did our own thing,sometimes going back to find each other)
well
I was wearing a suit, you see?
and I sometimes wear rainbow earrings around school
and I have rainbow and love is love wristbands
and so I was scared
that someone would put two and two together and call me the f slur
and also
bitch was there so that was fun
she called me by my chosen name once out of the three times she said my "name"
and she was annoying my friend
but I met someone
her name is Lauren
so at least that happened

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

little1133
IHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOUIHATEYOU

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

for most of my life, I've used a name. but last summer, I decided that that name was no use to me and that I should get a new one, one that reflected me more.
well guess what
whenever someone says that old name
my ass fucking looks up
like "WHOS THERE"
even if it's something that sounds vaguely similar to the last syllable.
I look up and wonder who called me
and then look back down and wonder what is wrong with me
and somehow people whom I don't want to know that name
they say it
I LOOK UP
so they know I know
and I fucking hate it

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

-not loving / aroace rant-

I don't understand people when they say "I get to see my girlfriend in a couple of hours!" Like, you can't be that far apart for someone for that long that you always have to be thinking about them? Honestly, that sounds like hell. Someone who loves, please explain.
Like, I would be happy just living with my friend and a cat. I would be fulfilled. I don't want this sex shit, why can't I just platonically love someone? why is this world so built and taught that the fact that the only way to be happy is to romantically or sexually love someone? Why can't I just platonically love someone? what happened to that? is it just.. gone?

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

-adding on to the above-

it's as if everyone is just running towards someone they love (romantically), and the rest of us who don't are just sitting there like- where do we fit in this society? are we just forgotten? like- am I just supposed to pretend I have crushes, just so I can be normal? because at this point, fuck normal. I want to be me. I don't want to keep trying to be cool or pretty, I want to be sitting in class with my blanket without someone asking me why I'm wearing a blanket and why I look emo. I'm not emo, I'm just tired of this bullshit and cold.
I fucking want to cuddle someone, but I don't want the romantic shit that comes with it. When did wanting to be with someone have the fact that you 'love' them with it? am I stupid?

 

[Shawdios]

-adding on to the above-

it's as if everyone is just running towards someone they love (romantically), and the rest of us who don't are just sitting there like- where do we fit in this society? are we just forgotten? like- am I just supposed to pretend I have crushes, just so I can be normal? because at this point, fuck normal. I want to be me. I don't want to keep trying to be cool or pretty, I want to be sitting in class with my blanket without someone asking me why I'm wearing a blanket and why I look emo. I'm not emo, I'm just tired of this bullshit and cold.
I fucking want to cuddle someone, but I don't want the romantic shit that comes with it. When did wanting to be with someone have the fact that you 'love' them with it? am I stupid?

Spoiler: If you dont want replies, ill delete with no trouble

One aroace to another, you are not stupid. And i argee, Fuck normal, be you. Society shovels all this BS about romantic and S love down everyones throats which makes everyone view platonic always as lesser. Close physical contact between two (non blood related, though that doesnt mater to some people) peeps is associated with S acts and due to romance and S being heavily intertwined for allos, it turns into a romantic act as well.

or at least, thats what i gather from my observations on allo people.
Our society as a whole is very hyper S, and many issues stem from it for both allos and A-specs.

(sorry, i didnt mean to be depressing)

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

should I do something very dangerous that will result in me either dying or being in serious pain but it's better than the alternative

 

[Shawdios]

should I do something very dangerous that will result in me either dying or being in serious pain but it's better than the alternative

Uhhh no? what is the alternative??

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Uhhh no? what is the alternative??

you don't want to know either of them

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

i am the therapist.
For. Fucking. Everyone.

G? I'm her therapist.
Someone else (someone on rpn my god)? I'm their therapist.
I can't talk to my irl therapist because I can't get shit into words, so instead, I scream into fucking oblivion on a one hundred person site for ROLEPLAYING??

yeah. I need to stop.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

i just ranted but i have more

i have no reasons.
I have no reasons to die, but what are the reasons to live?
pretend to be a happy little girl at school? be a normal person at home? try not to be fucking stupid? Pretend I know what i'm doing? pretend i'm only joking when i talk about offing myself?
yeah, sure. so easy.
i'm fine. i'm fine. i'm fine. maybe if I keep repeating it, it will become true.
Because, I have no reason to fucking hate myself, to prepare for the day that i die. It may be to my own hands, but you know. Bonus points!
I fucking hate it.
I hate it here. Why can't I just not be suicidal?
why can't i stop pretending, and just be .. me?
what am I so afraid of?

hmm, I wonder? Maybe outing myself, getting called to guidance again, making this entire situation worse, you know.

oh, and i lost my phone. that was fun. I lost it on a friday, so i won't be able to get it until I go back on monday. Responses will be cut short because I can only come on my laptop.


i fucking hate it here and don't know what to do about it. Leave?

I mean, that's the best thing to do when you are in a situation you don't feel comfortable in, right? You just leave the situation?

I told a friend about wanting to off myself, got told i was selfish.
great, yeah thanks. That makes me so much better for having feelings I can't control. Thanks. you're the best, E.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

in response to Shawdios's window idea, yeah in theory it would work, but in practice, not so much.
first of all, i'm a dumbass and don't know how to open a window.
second, the windows in my house are too high that I can't get onto that without using my hands.
third, if that doesn't work, everyone would know I attempted and I wouldn't be trusted.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler: major tw

I haven't been doing sh lately, instead biting my fingernails..
problem is that my nails look terrible, and that it's more visible than the alternative, but at least I'm not bleeding.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

today's definitely been a day.

finally went to school via onewheel instead of walking, but forgot the bike lock.
I flipped a group of boys off when we were waiting for school gates to open.
my friend had a mental breakdown while we were waiting for school to start because he hadn't studied for one of his tests, didn't know what the testing order was, and had therapy half an hour into one of the midterms.
he said he was going to off himself which i took very seriously because I have like-minded friends.
in my very first class, we made gingerbread houses. we had already decided on teams, and our entire team didn't know anyone else in the class. there were only three of us, and all of the other teams had at least 4.
one of the people did nothing, and eventually we just gave up and crumpled the gingerbread pieces onto the side pieces to make a construction site.
the person who had done nothing proceeded to get mad at me and the one person who did shit, because we ruined it.
long story short we lost that contest.
next class was just studying for the test we have the next day.
lunch I sat with someone I haven't talked to in a while and Z.
We threw carrots at my friend.
science we had the midterm, I finished with an hour to spare and was so fucking tired by the end of it.
I probably failed that test, too.
when i was trying to get back home, some girl was being rude so I threw the only thing i had available at her, my helmet.
broke the helmet, fell off onewheel, collected a bunch of shit, continued.
can't use that helmet anymore and my parents are really strict on wearing it.
well i fell off again.
got fucking embarrassed because some kids asked if I was okay
yeah please don't pay attention
well one of them helped me and asked if i was okay, which was nice of him.
didn't even get off of school grounds and G interrupted me to complain about her test.
like girl okay cool but i don't fucking care.
finally got home, was about to cry because it's been a hella long day and I need a fucking break.
I'm so tired, and we're going to get icecream with a friend in little more than an hour and I've only eaten half of a school lunch and a bunch of gingerbread today.

yeah that's my day.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

story time because I'm fucking shaking

Yesterday, I sent Pasta a video of a song that was on the radio.
Couldn't really tell what it was, so he thought it was something else completely
I wasn't on my phone after 4 pm, and a little before then he just sent a "?".
DIdn't respond because I was fucking tired and didn't know how to.
well around 8:30, they messaged me asking if i was okay
sent a few messages until 1 am.
I didn't get them until this morning and told him they weren't an asshole, and said that physically I was fine.
We called
he thought i committed because of the video and other clues (i guess)
well now i'm shaking and surprised he even noticed because we've barely talked since a while ago.
Really most of our conversations have been the following:

Me- can you silently call?
Pasta- not atm
Me- some variation of okay

We called for maybe two minutes and he was circling around the topic.
And honestly, Pasta sounded fucking scared.
Like- me and him barely know each other and here he is.

Long story short, I've been fucking depressed and suicidal recently and he noticed through the few texts we've sent to each other. With the video I sent, he thought I had committed and got scared (not sure why, but I guess he's got his reasons). We talked about it and he sounded either tired, sick, or fucking worried. I asked him if he thought I committed and he said yeah, but now it's okay I guess. I told him good luck on finals, thanks for worrying and sorry you had to, and hung up.
Now I'm fucking scared because if he noticed and we barely know each other who else has?

edit: Pasta thought I commited because I left a group chat and didn't respond to texts

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler

it was tiny but it definitely drew blood and holy fuck what did I just do

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler

the only thing preventing is that someone would have to be told if it were to continue. it was an agreement.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

its everywhere.
there are so many ways.
why am I even doing this?

Everyone has someone else.
I could disappear and maybe only my parents would notice.
I've left so many group chats and moved so many places
barely anyone remembers me anymore
it would be so easy.
so fucking easy.

Over winter break, when everyone got back.
They wouldnt even know I left

I feel like Im drowning.
I feel like drowning.

and no one has noticed shit, besides the few people who have heard.

I'm going to say what L says.
If I go, don't mourn. Please, forget I existed.

If this account becomes inactive within the next week or so, don't expect it to ever come back.

We all die at some point

just don't tell them it was to my own hands and we'll be fine.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler

I told someone

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Sometimes, I wish I could stop.

I told them, it should be over now.

but I can't bring myself.
seeing the red spots

I can't keep doing this

but on a better note i've started to notice that the sky kinda looks like the aroace flag so yeah that's cool

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Another Letter to Pasta

HE LOOKS LIKE DREAM IM SORRY THEY ALL DO

ok, seriously. Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?
Why?

You don't know me very well.
sure you're the therapist friend
but still
meeting around four times irl?

you could have said no
I didn't have to tell you the shit

I don't have to send you a concerning message on discord at 10 pm
you don't have to tell me not to
you shouldn't have to

my arms starting to heal.
but the blossoms still come sometimes
they don't notice
there are already too many there for them to notice.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

It's weird.. For most of the people I know, I know their given and chosen names..
Of course I would never use the name they don't prefer, but still.
There is only one person I can think of that I don't know their given name..

The same goes for me.
Most people know my given name and chosen, even ones who probably shouldn't.
Of course, most of them would only call me by my chosen name but you know..

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

for most of the people I know both the given name of and the chosen name, they fell into one or both of two categories:
1) Their chosen name was similar to their given
2) Their given name was not gender-neutral.

Now, my chosen name is not similar to my given name at all.
Like- at all.
And my given name was rather gender-neutral.

And so I feel bad about it.

but this is just me.

I told something similar to someone I know but idk.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

(before you say ooh not one to pasta, stfu. L might have committed and i'm fucking scared.)


I'm overreacting.
I know I am.
But what happened on new year's?

Are you dead?
Are you gone?
Will I see you when I get back from winter break?


I know I'm overreacting.
You're probably just in orlando.
And haven't had the chance to respond.
Or got your phone taken away.
yeah.
yeah.
yeah,
hopefully.

Assuming the worst happened, I won't mourn.
Or will try not to.

Thank you for being there.
Thank you for trusting me.
Thank you for-
Thank you for
Thank you for.
Thank you.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Overreaction.
She's okay.
Phone broke.

Texted me when it got fixed.