Journal silently screaming

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler: rant 30, people

idk when this was written

I'm going to talk to someone
in the real world
that is a friend.
that I actually know.
for the first time since
winter break started
is it wrong to say that I'm scared?

Spoiler: rant 31, bracelet

Was written at the same time as the last one

Two nights ago I broke a bracelet
it was the one Pasta gave me.
for my birthday
no one cared that it broke
but it was one of my favorites.
I wasn't able to recover any of the pieces.
but it kinda represented me
holding it together for as long as I can until
snap
it's all gone
pieces flying
and no where to be found.

There were more but I have to go in soon

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

kinda want to end it all here but I won't do that, hopefully.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

not really a rant but -

tw as usual

imagine it as a reroll
wanting to find that character you want.
but that character is a person- you
and the reroll is costly - your life
now I don't know what happens when you die but I do what to find out
but that turmoil is a different story
but I can't imagine how boring it would be to float in empty space
although would you have a mind?
would you have emotions?

These things lead to wonder
Wonder leads to wanting to try
and now I'm here
wanting to try
to know what happens
to know how people would react
I guess it would be the only true way to know who cared and who didn't
but I don't want a funeral
I don't want you to mourn
I want you to celebrate the life you do have.

Being one in eight billion really makes someone feel small
it would be no cost at all to the world
to just end it here
it could start a chain of deaths
but that's just how friend groups are

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I wish i could say it's getting better
but
I feel myself start to spiral
But that could just be because i've been watching tv for the better part of the day

But the urge
the urge to go end it all
end it here
it's been far enough

the urge
to make the little flowers bloom
spouting red

the urge to kick a child
or punch a friend
just because i need to let it out
and there is no better outlet
that doesn't harm anyone

there must be something i can do
but honestly,
i don't want to do anything about it
it's been going so well
for too long, i feel
if it's good too long, i forget the pain
the urge
and when it comes back
it feels new

the distance
i haven't been in contact with anyone i actually know in a while
why does this always happen when school is out?
why can't I just be said
and then go to school
see people i know
and feel better about myself?
Why
why
why

i wonder how much of this is lies curated from my brain
and how much of it is true

i wonder how much can go away
and if there's a simple fix
to the depression
to the negativity
to just everything

i want to go
but i think of who would care
but how much would they really care?
no one really knows me.
My parents don't know what i'm like in front of friends
my friends don't know what i think about while alone in my room
no one knows me
no one knows everything
but do i?

i want to resort
i want to resort to pain
and red
i want to see red
i want
but i'm scared
i'm so fucking scared
scared that someone will see it
scared that i won't be trusted

I want love
i want to feel something
i don't care if it's negative or postive
someone hurt me
someone love me
i don't fucking care
just do something
get me out of this
please
i'm begging
i will do anything
for the chance to feel something
besides depression and emptiness.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I had an allergic reaction
it was on my face
I don't know what it was
but I'm scared
if its what I think it is
I just got that thing
I don't want to give it back
it would feel disrespectful
but if this thing gave me an allergic reaction, idk.
I hope it wasn't that.
I hope it was just laundry or something.
but that was the only thing that I could think that I would be
I mean what else has touched my face?
I havent been washing it or anything

but why would that material cause an allergic reaction?
it's nothing bad
I mean I don't think
I'll have to ask them what could have produced it

it may have just been a reaction to something else
I really hope it was
I don't want to lose this
it's really stupid
but I'm scared


scared of nothing..

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Spoiler

there were 70 I believe before it healed than it happened again and now there's 30 but they're bigger than the others

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

This is gonna be short.

A while ago she showed me something.
like something not good
my reaction was like "omfg don't do that"

today I showed her something of the same nature
her reaction was like "cool same" and "how did you"

like please-

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

No fucking reason.
Damnit am i going to repeat this

flowers blooming
and for what reason?

There is none, that's the reason.

perfect life
i'm fucking fine
besides emptiness
but that could be fixed so easily


other people actually have meaningful
the rant thread section isn't for my "I have a perfect life omg its so terrible" gossip bullshit

i really should delete this thread



except

that leads to
i dont deserve this life
it's too perfect for a fuck-up like me
leads to
oh yeah i should end it
leads to
this rant thread should probably stay


but why the fuck am i doing this
why the fuck have there been at least 100 flowers blooming on my arm
if this is the perfect life
i dunno.
dont ask me.


don't ask me shit
I won't answer
dead people can't answer to shit < 3

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

It's really hard to count.
They don't grow in perfect rows.
But there's definitely more than thirty.
There may be fifty this batch.
And I'm scared
Because it's been more than a hundred.
for a while now
And even though it's in the inside
what happens if the wrong person sees?
What happens on the sunny days where I can't wear a hoodie?
What happens when someone sees it in the locker room?

I'm fucking scared
even more so that it isn't stopping me

i know i should stop
i know that every chance i get, i should say no.
they are too accesable
but i dont want to tell someone
because they would know that i did it again
my own stubbornness is going to lead to some bad things
if it hasn't already


i don't know what else it would be
if someone sees it they may recognize it

i asked a friend how you stop
said you don't
now i'm scared for them
and what they have

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

"tight bras and gender dysphoria"
written 1/10 - 1/11 (according to the notebook, idk which date had more written)

Spoiler: rant 37

There are rashes and marks from wearing the same too-tight bra every day for the past week or so.
It's gotten bad.
It's hard to look in the mirror or down at times

I try really hard
but still,
girl
girl.
girl.
it never gets better, even after months of the same word
over and over
in my head
and said to me

i feel like i should be doing something about it,
after so many times
but i can't
the farthest i can get is too-tight bras, short(ish) hair, masculine clothing, and someone in my brain beating me down every move i make

we've gotten nowhere,
me and the person in my brain.
i don't think we ever will.
I think that's just the way it's supposed to be

"love"
written 1/11

Spoiler

love.
such a loaded word.
But at the same time
so simple

what is love?
how can you describe such a thing?
without leaving anything out
and including anything that isn't?

Why would you want to?
Love is stupid.
s love, scary
romantic love, confusing
platonic love, underrated
familial love, overshadowed.
and where does the love of an object fit in?
I love my stuffed animals, but don't want to fuck them
(although i don't want to fuck)

this is probably really stupid
it's not too late, around 9, not i'm tired

i should do something with my life
but what?

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I think that's it
hasn't responded to anything
I don't know what to do
I don't think there is anything I can do
I don't know if this is a joke

I wish they would have told me
I wish I could have done something

damnit rae
you don't trust me enough?
not nearly enough to tell me what's been on your mind?

that's not a spur of the moment decision
you plan that

you knew what I was going through
why couldnt you tell me what you were going through?

im sorry you didn't fucking trust me.
I don't think I should be this mad

but please
tell me something
anything
let me know you're here
because this can't be it

I wish i had known you better
maybe then you would have trusted me

I know it was online
and I shouldnt be this mad
and I didn't know you
not really

damnit rae

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I haven't ranted in a while, and some may assume that was a good thing.
but no
it's not at all

almost crawling to my elbow
and on my shoulder
bandages aren't staying

nothing to look forward to

realization that no one would care if I went

been really shitty to everyone I know
in constant fear that someone will see

trying my absolute best to keep my grades up
struggling with stacks of homework
trying to be that perfect student that all teachers expect

caring for friends
it doesn't leave any time for myself
still talking to G
all my friends do
why can't I just get over it?

struggling
with not being able to tell anyone
wanting someone I can trust
that can help
but too scared to tell parents
resorting to music
but shit even that hurts

been on rpn way too much
been a bitch to everyone I know
online and irl

feel like I've let them all down
can't keep up with roleplays
hell I can't even keep up with living

haven't looked up how to tie anything yet
but have been dangerousally close

called my mom to pick me up because I couldn't handle school anymore


so it's not going well
and idk what to do about it

only irl lifeline cut me off
and I'm floating
pasta won't respond to me
and I know thats my fault
I know I shouldn't have said that
but I want someone to care
to be there
to know
I don't care if they don't do anything about it
but I want them to know
that I'm struggling
and if I go
they know what happened

I asked her for matches
figured it would be easier
but couldnt light the damn thing

struggling to sleep at night
all week
and tired in the day
no one noticed
someone please fucking notice
someone show care
please
I need someone to know that I exist
and that I struggle
please notice
please care
but don't tell my parents.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I grew up with mixed feelings
mixed cues
society telling me crying was bad
my family telling me it was ok,
that it was natural.

Maybe that's why it's so hard now.
to just let it out
because i'm begging myself
please just cry
i've needed to for the past week or so
and still
nothing
only when i was at lunch
trying to get picked up
that was it
but please
now

he's ignoring me
why do i feel so bad?
maybe because he was my only lifeline
for months.
maybe because he cared when i ranted
maybe because he called me the moment i woke up crying
maybe because he cared and no one else does
but now
now he doesn't care
and i fear no one does

i can't talk to my parents about this
but why?
idk what's wrong with me
but i feel there is something
laying in bed contemplating until midnight isn't normal
neither is sitting in a corner listening to music
for hours upon hours

i want to escape
from my mind
from the earth
it's late
i'm tired

too many secrets
too many mental health issues of other people i have to worry about
(yes, she's still talking to me. i don't know how to stop talking to her..)


welp i'm tired
i should go to sleep

got used to telling pasto what i was doin
letting him know i was alive
but welp
that's over.

edit: sorry if anyone saw it before the edit

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

he actually doesn't hate me

i overstepped a couple of boundaries
(remember, we've barely seen each other irl)
i said a couple things i should not have

i was desperate
desperate for someone to care
desperate for the attention I was lacking


after he called me that one time
i realized that maybe i could trust them
maybe i could tell them what was happening
but i fucked it all up

i can't say exactly what happened
but basically the thing that happened in rant 25
and then i trusted him
and i told him things i arguably should not have
i started- pretty much spamming
said things i should not have
and then never got a response
(now i know why, it wasn't because of ignoring)
so i thought he prettymuch hated me
which i mean -if he did i wouldn't blame them
today he wrote me a long message about how he rarely checks his phone and if it is, it's just for spotify.
and how whenever i messaged him, he was at school.

i did some wrong shit
talked about things i should not have
but i think its ok now??
i dont know
but i know im not doing that again

sorry pasto
still love ya
(platonically ofc)

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

i'm at a low
like real low
like i was reading a book where a kid committed and it said how and now i want to do it low

no one's home
i could
i just need to find one thing out and boom
gone
done

i'm shaking
because this if the farthest i've gotten (besides asking The Question)
the most i've thought about this

no one responded to me
maybe that's for the better
my parents won't be home for an hour
and i'm scared
scared of what I may do

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

i came to him first
Pasta
why
why did i think that was a good idea

truth is i didn't now who else to contact
with very little context i called him nearly crying (woops)
and i told him what had been on my mind
and why

after a while of silence we mostly just talked on discord

but why him
of all people, why the person who i had angered (maybe) with something so similar?

i think it was because i thought i could trust them
i had said so many similar things to them that i thought maybe-just maybe- this one would be okay too

I didn't want to contact LNB because he's got his own shit to deal with
I didn't want to contact LG because she's been ignoring me
I didn't want to contact IR because she doesn't need to know this (along with AL, and AG.)

So I think I'm just going to wait it out and stay on RPN until the urge disapears
may plant some flowers while I wait who knows

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

i got five hours of sleep last night
felt like shit for the next few hours
tried to do anything
but all i could do was read
my head hurt
but i had been on my laptop for two hours until midnight last night
i took a two hour nap which led me to noon
parents left to get food a little bit ago


now i'm here
i want a pool of red
i want to see the destruction
it's not because i want to feel "adult"
or crave attention
(both of which i heard)
but i'm too scared

there isn't enough room on my shoulder
i want to only do the front so no one sees it when im in gym changing
but the front of my shoulder is destroyed
and one of them went deeper than the others
i want to go deeper than that one
but i'm too scared
and there isn't enough space

i want to do the same on my other shoulder
i want to have a sea of that one deep one
all over my other shoulder
i want to destroy my chest
my arms
anything

i want to escape
i have an idea
but i need to get something
as well as information
i want to be done with this


i wish we had matches
i would try to light one again
see if that's easier
but if we have them, i don't know where they are

i wish i wanted to cope
but i don't
i just want to destroy


so now i'm here
switched the "kid scissors" with actual scissors
got a piece of toilet paper
and just hoped that i'm not too scared this time

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

kind of a letter to Pasta as it is directed towards him
(written last night)

I'm tired.
LG broke contact with me, said it would be for the better.
I'm scared because all i could think was "just another person that won't care"
She won't tell me if I've done something wrong.

I'm also scared because I'm so close to the edge.
Like close enough that if I got one thing, which I could do it without, I would be gone.

Needless to say I'm scared of myself
and what I'll do if one more thing crumbles.

And I'm sorry
Sorry for saying things I should not have
and for confiding in you.
It felt like I could trust you and maybe I was wrong
not saying you're not trustworthy, just saying that I shouldn't have trusted you enough to tell you those things.
Maybe I was/am just like G was, telling you things you didn't want to know.

And I'm sorry for if this plan works.
But, enjoy your life.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

I got one of the things I need to make it work
told it was for something else
friend was still concerned but whatever

I've started trying to be annoying
not giving Cl the answers when she asked for them
when I normally do
so idk
hopefully I'll have the the bravery
I honestly don't think I will but I can try
it won't give any lasting damage

but i'm scared
scared of myself
and what I would do when I find the information

but hopefully I'll decide that it's worth it
but at the same time hopefully I don't
because that's fucking scary

I'm writing this in the middle of class and trying to rush but that's it

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

stop.
stop fucking touching me.
you contuining to do it is not going to get my attention any faster.
and then you get mad at me when i snap at you.
like- i'm sorry that i'm touched starved
i'm sorry that a hug feels like a fucking attack.
but stop.
please. stop. pounding. on. my. fucking. shoulder.
I don't care about your grades i'm trying to sit down
and be ready for the class

and then my mom
i don't want to explain how the relationship was purely platonic
when she said that, yes i know it sounded like it was romantic
but you really think that that was what was happening?
when neither of us were interested in that?
and she asked why my mind went to that?
because you want people to care less
of course that wasn't the case- i still see her occasionally
but i didn't want to explain that either because she would ask how i knew that and i may have accidentally said that it was because that was what i was trying to do

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

tired.
so tired.
LG stuff has been affecting me a bit too much, I would say.
she sits at a table near mine before school
and doesn't really seem to care that i'm right there
i don't know if she even recognizes me anymore

while i was gone, two of my best online friends quit or went on hiatus, no response from them for anything. worried about both, but trying not to be.

I'm guessing people are going to start thinking me and IR are dating, I really don't want to explain that to random kids at my school.

Keep getting shipped with two kids, AE and BY.
honestly after a while it just gets annoying
why can't i have friends /:

my playlist has evolved into three hours long and there are sections of mitzki and 4lung

idk what's going on with this life anymore
haven't been as unstable mentally but the line's starting to fade

I've been playing video games with friends occasionally and that's been nice.

I stopped talking to Pasta for a while then talked to him again
me and Lora have been hanging out a bit

I need to dress masc tomorrow because G keeps calling me a lesbian for dressing the way I do.

yeah idk, i just need to get the fact that I'm here and a bit better out.

oh yeah another thing
LNB got a bit mad at me today.
he got sent to guidance in science today and he's been wearing short sleeves lately, i asked him how he was.
i was trying to be nice but he said that he was getting sick of it.
now i feel bad for looking out for people.
and i want someone to ask me if i'm okay
like a friend or something
because i just need to get something off of my shoulders
i don't know what

been listening to cavetown's new EP and screaming let them know they're on your mind at the top of my lungs lately
it's nice
you should check it out
i'm actually not sure which

 

[cheeseburger90210]

Is it just me or do alot of people on this site have really deep phycological problems that can't be fixed unless by medication????

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

Is it just me or do alot of people on this site have really deep phycological problems that can't be fixed unless by medication????

uh, maybe?

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

she's in one of my classes because of course she is, and the only other person in that class i know is her best friend, and there's 16 people in that class, i believe, so i'm really left out. the teacher doesn't like me because i don't talk in that class, but i feel like everyone else hates me, and this girl, She always does things where she refers to me without actually having a conversation, or says stuff to me without any intent on talking to me. it's really hard to explain but i have a couple of examples;

so basically we were doing this thing where we had to write about ourselves in third person, and the other people in the class had to guess who had written it. She guessed mine first try so it's like- she's acknowledging my existence and that she knows stuff about my but she isn't outwardly having a conversation with me

another example is today i went to fill up the water pitcher for the teacher because i had already finished the assignment that we were working on that day, and when i came back i wasn't sure where to put it, so i was looking around the room, and she told me to just put it down on the table

and then the other example that i can think of off the top of my head is that me and my friend were discussing alice oseman and she butted into the conversation with Radio Silence, and she was like "personally i think this one is the best" and i was kind of just silent and uncomfortable like do i respond to her do i ignore her the way she's ignored me what do i do.

so like she's talking to me with no intent on having a conversation and it's really uncomfortable for me but i guess it's unavoidable for her, still...

idk i'm probably overreacting but it still feels very weird that she's talking to me after so long of her ignorance.

 

[j.e.s.t.e.r]

you know what the funny thing is?? every single one. every single fucking one.
one ended because he was super fucking toxic
one ended because she decided to ignore me for a year
one ended because we were figuring ourselves out and we didnt talk since
and one barely started before she was just using my for her pleasure

so silly how those are backwards from 3 months (about?) to 4 of 5 years ago

like am i just that terrible of a person?? am i just that fucked up that they all gotta do that??

it doesnt help that some kid started flirting with me and then i thought i had feelings for him and i told pet cockroach 1 and he keeps hinting to the kid but i dont think he likes me anymore after he realized how fucking autistic i am