Realistic or Modern More Than We Bargained For (Fiddle)

[PunkPrince]

Caitlyn sighed as she gazed at her reflection. She opened her hand to allow her brunette waves to fall across her shoulders. No use trying to tie it back. It wasn’t like she ever put her hair up to perform anyway. Leaning forward, she scrutinized the details in her makeup for the tenth time that evening. The dramatic cat eye alone wasnt much, but the tiny red and yellow rhinestones along with it made the look all the more interesting. She paused to rub away a stray bit of lipstick. Red always had been her favorite shade, and her costume finally gave her an excuse to wear it.

Taking a step back, she looked over the rest of her appearance. Her short dress was a shade of brilliant red, a pheonix-like pattern of tiny golden sequins and rhinestones swirling across the fabric. Her shoes were four inch platform heels of a similar shade to her gown, dusted with gold glitter. She pushed her hair back behind her ears, and just as she turned to leave her bedroom, the argument started up.

"I hate this thing, Lacey. Out of all the stuff we have, this is the one you picked?"
"You picked last time! Now it's my turn," Lacey shot back, her voice almost chipper.
"But I look awful in periwinkle!" Ivy complained.
"There's no rule that says you have to match." That was Ryan's voice. "Just pick something else. I personally think you both look nice. I wish I could pull off that color. It clashes with my hair."

High heels clicking on the hardwood floor of the trailer, Ryan appeared in the hallway and met eyes with their mother. Their bright ginger hair--past their chin but not quite reaching their shoulders--was tied back. Dark eyeliner flared out from around their eyes. They wore shoes similar to Caitlyn's, though Ryans were blue with silver glitter. That was the end of most similarities. Ryan wore a blue sequined bralette, decorated with a silver pattern, along with a pair of slim fitting shorts to match. They carried a white pair of gymnast's shoes in their right hand, which they would change into partway through the show. As well as being in the fire act with Caitlyn, Ryan was also a particularly skilled acrobat, partnered with Eddie--the sole other acrobat--for most shows. On the occasion Ryan was ill, their position was taken over by Stephen, the contortionist.

"You both look fine," Caitlyn called down the hallway. "Now, hurry up. The show starts at eight and if we're late Mara will have to stall."

The twins appeared at the end of the hall, both still in matching outfits. They both wore fully sequined leotards and pale purple high heels. Lacey looked giddy. Ivy looked like she'd rather crawl into a hole. Caitlyn brushed past them and slipped out the trailer door into the cool night air, Ryan and the twins following close behind.

Caitlyn gazed around the field. Every week it was a new one, but the layout remained mostly the same. Trailers parked to one side, the pen that housed the leopards laid out on the other, with the big top tent in the center of it all. The leopard pen was vacant now. Viv had probably taken them out. The cats always opened the show. The sooner their act was over the sooner they could be returned to their pen and relax again.

They entered the tent just as Mara was announcing the first act. Vivian stood at the curtain, the pair of leopards each on a heavy chain, standing calmly beside her. The dolllike woman stepped out into the center ring, her strange proportions casting a shadow behind her.

The curtain parted again, and Mara slipped backstage. The strongwoman towered over most everyone she met, standing at six foot eight.

“There you are!” Mara said, sounding relieved. “I almost came and got you myself. You and Ryan are on next.”

Caitlyn smiled and gave her friend a squeeze as she passed her. Mara had been her closest friend since she had arrived at the circus all those years ago. Calm and soft spoken, had she not been as large as she was, one would have a hard time believing that she could throw a picnic table—or a person—across the tent if she chose to.

She took her torches from the barrel beside her and then stood, listening to the crowd cheer. Evening shows had always been her favorite. She wasn’t sure why. People always seemed more excited, more astounded by the things they were watching.

Caitlyn passed a torch to Ryan as Vivian led the cats back through the curtain. The twins had gone off to polish their swords, and Caitlyn glanced back at the pair as she stepped forward. She and Ryan stepped out into the center ring as they were announced, and their performance began. Their torches lit and twirled around them as the crowd cheered.

And then she saw him. A familiar face in the crowd. She stumbled and nearly dropped her torch. Ryan caught it before it hit the ground and passed it back to her. Their brow crinkled in concern and confusion, but there wasn’t time to ask anything. The show continued, and then their performance was over.

“What was that about?” Ryan asked as they headed back through the curtain.
Caitlyn shook her head. “It’s nothing. I just got distracted, that’s all. Why don’t you go change your shoes and find Eddie? She’s probably looking for you.”

Ryan turned to go search for the acrobat, still looking confused. Caitlyn slipped out the back of the tent.

No way that was who she’d thought it was. The tent was dark and faces were obscured. It was more likely to be a million other people than the person she had thought she'd seen. Besides, what were the odds Ryan's father would be at the same circus, more than ten years after she'd first met him?

 

[Fiddlefaddle]

Adam normally wasn't one to be excited about the circus coming to town. But, then what single man, with no children, who was nearly fourty would have been excited about it? Not many in his mind, this wasn't just any circus though. It was much more than a show he was hoping to see which may have made him foolish. As it was he didn't really care, there was a small sliver of hope that he would see Caitlyn again, making it worth it.

It had been over a decade since they seen each other, and their relationship was very short lived but he knew he loved her after their first day together. The two of them having to go their separate ways hurt but, at least they could still keep in touch. Then all of a sudden she stopped and he didn't know what happened or why. Adam hadn't ever been able to forget her or completely move on, which was probably why he was still single. So tonight wasn't about the show he was going to see it was hoping that he'd get some answers, find out what happened to Caitlyn. Maybe even get a chance to talk with her in person and find out why she cut him out of her life.

Adam had his theories over the years, they were different she was vibrant and he was muted, she could have found someone who was able to travel with her, maybe she wasn't as in love with him as he was with her. Honestly he tried to not think about those things and he couldn't be in that head space now. Not as he walked into the pharmacy, and put his things in usual place and put on his white lab coat. Now was the time to focus on making sure his clients got the right medications, knew the pertinent information, and understood how and when they were to take their medicine.

Adam had never had this much trouble getting his head into the right space. Nerves probably which he knew was silly the odd s of her being there slim to none, the odds of her remembering someone who wasn't in her life that long maybe a bit better, and he knew all that deep deep down, but there was that small irrational bit of him that knew she would be there and they'd fall in love again only this time they'd live happily ever after. Adam had always tried to be reasonable but he just couldn't stop that part of himself from holding onto the woman he loved, so he knew for better or worse he woul never be able to completely forget Caitlyn.

Normally Adam wasn't one to watch the clock, today was a different story. Once he was finished for the day he hurried to shower and get changed into something more appropriate. He had already picked out a moss green Polo and some dark blue jeans to wear. So it was casual but slight more dressy than a t-shirt, he put on his tennis shoes, and combed through his hair before the curls became unruly. Adam messed with his brown curls a few times before he decided that pushing his hair back as usual was what looked the best.

For the first time in many years he was genuinely giddy as walk through the circus grounds. Adam took a seat and waited hoping that he'd see Caitlyn again. The second the show started he could feel himself holding his breath and try as he might to get himself to breath because she wouldn't be here he couldn't. Then the impossible happened out she came dressed like fire itself. Adam gasped when he saw her and it took all of his reasoning to stop himself from running over to her right then and there.

Adam couldn't take his eyes off of her, he had thought she was beautiful when they first met, now she seemed to be even more beautiful now. He wasn't paying attention to anything other than Caitlyn, and for a moment he thought she looked at him too. It seemed like she even recognized him, though when she nearly dropped her tourch it made him wonder if he had made a mistake. Perhaps he would be getting closure instead of a new love affair. He swallowed hard though and got up from his seat he wasn't sure where she be but he decided he wander around near the trailers and see if he couldn't find someone who could maybe point him in her direction.

 

[PunkPrince]

Caitlyn weaved through the trailers. Had it really been Adam she'd seen in the stands? The tent was dark. What would she do if she found him? It had been years since they'd last seen each other. What would she say? What would he say? Had he come looking for her on purpose? Maybe he had forgotten all about her. It wasn't unlikely. They had only known one another for about a week or two.

And then there was Ryan. Should she tell him about Ryan? What would he say? Maybe telling him would do more harm than good. And the twins. She had practically spent her life worrying about them. She worried every time Ryan went out alone that they wouldn't come back. She worried about what people said to them and the twins when she wasn't around. But so far she had been lucky. Nobody had failed to come back. Once or twice Ryan had come home slightly bruised, but that was the worst of it. So far, at least. She worried about how Adam would treat them, if he did take it well. She wanted them safe. But she couldn't keep secrets forever. It wasn't fair, and if he took it poorly then they couldn't be together anyway.

Her children had been the center of her existence since almost immediately after she had run from her uncle. Her children and the circus itself. The people she lived with were her family, and sometimes people couldn't handle them. She had seen the way people stared when they went out, not just at her children, but at most of them. Even those of them without physical oddities attracted stares just from the company they kept. Parents rushed their children away, as though they had something you could catch. Parker's fused, lobster claw-like fingers, Mara's size, Stephen's split tongue and sharpened canines--things he had voluntarily given himself, unlike most of them.

Caitlyn turned back to look at the tent as she heard Mara announcing the next act. The twins. Forgetting about Adam for a moment, Caitlyn smiled to herself. She was so proud of them. The twins had learned sword swallowing quickly over the years that she had taught them, and now they had taken over the act completely.

Continuing to weave through the trailers, Caitlyn stopped as she saw a shape at the other end of the row. "Adam?" she asked softly, taking a step towards him.

 

[Fiddlefaddle]

He was a stupid, stupid man. At least that was what was running through Adam's head as he walked along the trailers. There was a reason she stopped communicating, and it wasn't unreasonable for her to think that they would never see each other again. Why did his heart have to cling to her, why couldn't he have just moved on. It should have been the simplest thing in the world for him to do, they had only known one another about a week, they were young and moved too fast, and it had been over a decade since he'd seen her let alone heard from her.

Adam let out a sigh, and paused trying to collect his thoughts. This was probably a case of unrequited love, he must have really fallen for her if he still loved her to this day. Even if she did welcome him back would they be able to be in a relationship, hell he didn't even really know if they would be able to talk without it being awkward. His thoughts wandered back to Caitlyn and the flames that she seemed to bend to her will. It was just as captivating as it was the first time he saw her act. She was clearly bad for him, usually he could keep his mind on track but ever since he saw that flyer on the wall in the pharmacy for this particular circus he couldn't keep the thoughts of her under control.

Adam shook his head slightly and looked up when he heard his name said softly by a familiar voice. He smiled when he saw who the voice belonged too and started walking towards the woman who still clearly had him wrapped around her finger. He should have been thinking about what he was going to say, not doing this blind and flying by the seat of his pants. Adam told himself he just do a simple 'hi, it's been a while, how are you?'. However there seemed to be a disconnect between his brain and mouth.

"Caitlyn, you look beautiful." He blurted out with a smile only to be horrified a few seconds later, that those were the first words out of his mouth. "Er, no sorry, I mean you are beautiful." He tried to correct his blunder only to find he was just going to dig the whole deeper as usual. "Hi, it's been a long time and if you are up for it I'd like to catch up." Adam said after taking a deep breath. "I've missed you." He admitted with a slight blush and slowly starting to reach out for her with his right hand. But, he stopped himself thankfully, after all she might not even want him around so even just taking her hand might not be a welcome guesture. He would have to be careful because even if things didn't go the way he wanted he didn't want to make her uncomfortable.

 

[PunkPrince]

She knew it was him, of course. He approached her at the sound of his name, and they gazed at one another in silence for a moment. And then he spoke, telling her she looked beautiful and then blushing as he frantically tried to collect himself. Caitlyn blushed slightly herself at the compliment. He was just as sweet as she remembered him being, even if he was flustered.

He wanted to catch up. She knew he would, and as much as she might want to push him away, she was just as eager to catch up with him. He reached for her hand and then pulled it away again. “I’ve missed you too,” Caitlyn said softly. She really had. It had broken her heart to stop talking to him. But he’d had his own life to attend to, and she hadn’t wanted to burden him with the responsibility of a child.

Caitlyn glanced around. They’d surely be interrupted out here. She reached for Adam’s hand and tugged him gently in the direction of her trailer. “Come on,” she said.

“I’m sorry if it’s a bit messy,” she said as she slipped through the doors. “It’s always sort of messy on show nights. She settled herself on the couch, leaving space for him to sit beside her.

“So,” she started, “What have you been up to these last seventeen years?”

 

[Fiddlefaddle]

Adam wasn't sure if the blush, was a good sign or bad one. All he knew for certain, was he felt utterly humiliated. Clearly he should have put more thought into this whole thing, maybe even written some notes. Usually he was much more on top of things, never had he fumbled his words at work. It was important that he be clear and concise when he spoke with his customers or the techs. This was also important, so why couldn't he be his usual typical self? He knew why, it was just the way things were with Caitlyn, she made him feel lost but in a good way.

The brunette froze when her words reached his ears, she wasn't sending him away. It was quite the shock, a good one but it meant he'd have to keep talking. Adam smiled and held on to her hand, there was no telling how long this sensation would last. The first time they had only spent a week or so together, after that it was phone calls and letters. He couldn't go through that again having the best time of his life only to find that weeks later she had completely cut him out of her life. Adam knew if something like that did happen again he would probably never reach a point where he'd even try to persue another relationship.

He followed her happily and shook his head, "I don't mind messy and I remember how hectic things were last time we were together." He replied and took a seat next to her on the couch.

Adam smiled at the question, but it did put theings in perspective it had been seventeen years since he'd last been able to sit with her and just be with her. "Miss you mostly." He whispered and shook his head, "School lots of school." Adam corrected himself and sighed, it seemed he would never have a handle on his mouth with her but he'd make due.

"I've become a pharmacist, so there was a lot of school for that, and then testing to get certified." Adam smiled, "I was thinking about buying a house at one point but, that never panned out." He said and shrugged, "I'm the boring one, school, and now work, don't get me wrong I love my job and find interesting but I'd rather hear about you and what you've been doing."

 

[PunkPrince]

Caitlyn felt herself blush again. He had missed her more than she had thought. “I’ve missed you too,” she said softly. She hadn’t meant to break his heart by cutting him off. But Adam had had his own life to live. She had been afraid she would be tying him down. It wasn’t like they’d known one another very well anyway. She had convinced herself that a relationship with Adam would never work out. Not to mention Ryan being the way that they were. If she had been afraid to tell him beforehand, the revelation of Ryan’s ambiguous gender had only frightened her more.

But it wasn’t like she could forget him. She had Ryan. Adam was present in their face, at times in the way they spoke and moved. Adam was always there, whether she wanted him to be or not.

Caitlyn shifted slightly in her seat. “Nothing much is different from the last time you saw me. I still cook for everyone here. I still have my fire act, as you saw. I...” She paused. Maybe she could just ease him into it somehow. “I adopted a pair of twins,” she told him. “They were joined at the hip, wandering down the road at night. But that was years ago. They’re eighteen now, and I let them take over the sword swallowing act. And...”

She turned her face away. She was too scared to look at him while she told him. “I had a kid,” she told him. “Yours. It’s why I stopped talking to you. I was afraid.” She fidgeted for a moment and then was still again. “I didn’t think I’d ever see you again to tell you, but I figure you have a right to know, now that you’re back. I don’t expect anything from you, I just thought you’d want to know. And I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. That wasn’t fair.

 

[Fiddlefaddle]

The weight of the world seemed to be lifting from his shoulders, though questions were still bubbling up. If she missed him too why not just stay in contact with him, had she always missed him, was this a lie. No of course not it couldn't be, Caitlyn wasn't that sort of person. Yes he knew he'd only known her a short amount of time but he knew deep down that he knew her better than he knew his own mother.

Adam smiled when she said not much was different, that was hard to believe. Maybe not for someone used to traveling all the time but for someone like him it was a lot. She still cooked and had her act those were the same and it was comforting to know that not everything had changed. Her pause wasn't expected at least not until she spoke about adopting twins. "Oh, wow that's amazing you taking them in." He replied sincerely, she certainly would have been a good mother. It was sad the circumstances of her taking them in but, honestly if they were found wandering around, Caitlyn was probably the best person for them.

Being joined at the hip probably made raising them difficult but Adam was sure that Caitlyn Rose to the occasion. He wasn't so sure if he'd have been able to but he'd like to think that he would have been a better father than his. Not that his dad was a horrible person he was in the military and just wasn't around much and died when he was still a young child, so he wasn't completely sure that he knew what it really meant to be a father. Which might have been why he was always hesitant whenever children were mentioned or around him.

Adam looked at her a bit concerned when she turned away. She had a kid, that was a bit of a blow, but then it wasn't like he could be upset that she had moved on and had a family. At least that's what he thought until the other bomb got dropped 'yours', his. He was only half listening to the rest of what she said. His mind was on the larger problem, he was an absentee father, he had missed all his child's first's. There was no way he could ever make that up to them, and he was immediately consumed with guilt.

Adam took a couple of deep breaths then leaned forward and put his head between his knees. "I'm feeling a little nauseous right now, so uh just give me a moment." He asked softly trying to process the fact that he had a seventeen year old who probably needed a dad at several points and the dad in question wasn't there not once. After a few more breaths he slowly sat up, and looked at Caitlyn. "I wish you would have told me sooner, my biggest fear in life was and is being a shitty dad." He said and took her hand in his, "I can't imagine what it was like for you to go through everything alone, and I'm sorry that you felt you couldn't tell me." He said as his voice started to quiver.

"Caitlyn, I don't want to be a bad dad and I, this, well it's definitely not what I came here hoping to find." He said and looked at the floor collecting his thoughts before looking back up at the woman who he found he still loved maybe even more than before. "I came here to find you and see if we could give it another try. Uh, and I now part of that for me is I'd like to know what's the baby's name, er well is supposed not so much a baby now as teenager. I'd really like to try and have a relationship with them as well." He said not knowing if he had a son or a daughter, and not sure of he had a preference. Either way he wouldn't really know what he was doing though he would probably have more in common with a son.

 

[PunkPrince]

Caitlyn lowered her gaze. She should have told him. “I’m sorry for not telling you,” she apologized again. “I thought about it for a while, but then when Ryan was born...” She stopped for a moment. “I got scared again.” She knew she would have to tell him about Ryan’s gender eventually. Now was probably the best time to do it. “I...Ryan’s...they were born not quite a boy and not quite a girl. The doctors told me they could be raised as a boy and tried to get me to agree to let them do corrective surgery, but...I don’t know. It felt wrong, subjecting Ryan to something that major before they could voice if they wanted it or not. It’s not like it was a danger to their health or anything.”

“I marked male on all their documents, mostly because I had to pick one. They just...never really fell into either role. But Ryan’s happy, and that’s what matters. They’ve grown up well. They share the fire act with me, and theyre half of the acrobat act too.

She squeezed Adam’s hand gently as his voice began to quaver. “I’ve told them a bit about you. Ryan knows I didn’t tell you. They won’t hold your not being here against you. And I don’t either.”

“We can give things another try if you want,” she said gently. “And you can meet Ryan. The twins too, if you want. “But let me tell them about you first. I don’t want to spring you on them without warning.”

Her gaze travelled to the window. She could hear Mara’s faint voice over the loudspeakers. “The acrobat act is starting next,” she said. “If you want to go and watch?”

 

[PunkPrince]

Bump

 

[Fiddlefaddle]

(sorry got very busy with work, I'll have post up tonight)

 

[PunkPrince]

Okay!

 

[Fiddlefaddle]

Adam smiled and shook his head slightly, it would have been nice to have known; but if she thought she was doing the right thing he couldn't blame her for keeping quiet about the pregnancy. He took her hand in his and gave it a small squeeze as he looked into her eyes. The brunette listen as she spoke about their child who didn't fit into the traditional boxes of gender. He'd heard of cases like this from some doctor friends usually though the parents choose a gender. However he could also see where Caitlyn was coming from holding off, after all who would want their child growing up feeling as though they were trapped inside the wrong body.

"Ryan is happy and that's all that matters." Adam repeated, it was true this was just going to make things difficult for him. How was he supposed to act around this person who would hopefully look up to him someday. He was well aware he wasn't the best in social situations, and he certainly didn't want Ryan to feel like he was being pushed to be more masculine or feminine around their father. That was going to be difficult not to mention he didn't want his child feeling like their father was walking on eggshells around them.

Adam smiled, "It's okay, at least he, er they know the truth and I can't tell you how happy I am that there are at least two people out there who don't hold me accountable." He replied though he'd always hold himself responsible for missing out on everything not just Ryan's firsts but the stages of the pregnancy as well.

He nodded at the mention of being able to meet his child and the twins too. The twins would also be a slight challenge, two people stuck together he wouldn't be able to get any real one on one time with them. Adam did better in those situations, and the with the twins quite literally being attached at the hip he wouldn't get that. "Of course, I'm a stranger and from the sounds of things the girls have been through a lot already and I can only imagine the shock Ryan will experience hearing that their father wants to meet them." He said a bit slower as he had to remind himself of which pronouns to use.

"Yes, that would be good." He said and slowly got to his feet. "I completely over looked Ryan in your act, I was to distracted by you to notice anything else." Adam admitted sheepishly. He didn't want to leave Caitlyn for any length of time, but it would be good to see his child who was practically a grown up now. "How about I meet you back here after the show and we can sit down and really figure things out." Adam suggested hopefully. There was still a part of him that worried she'd just pack up and leave and he wouldn't get to see her again, it was irrational but it was still there.