Is That You?

[tamaracorine]

Alex's eyes widened at the sight of Ivey. "Oh... no... it's fine." she told her awkwardly. "I... I wanted him to have them, that's all. It's... no." she laughed and pushed her hair back from her face. "Sorry. I just... it's complicated, you know?" she smiled and shrugged. "Thanks, though. I have band practise. Need to go." she turned and ran off, rushing home.


She joined in with band practise and let herself be pulled into music, taking comfort in the familiarity of the sounds. The guys in the band made fun of her playfully, but one sat her down afterwards and asked that she fix up her hair and wear make up to shows. There were some guys who came to shows for the "hot violin player" and her current state wasn't living up to that image.


She made an excuse for her current appearance and assured him that she would fix it. She just needed to get some more cash from busking, then it would be okay. That night she fell asleep and had nightmares about how David would react to her letters. She had nightmares about him and Ivey. She had nightmares about her mother.


The next day she drifted through class like a zombie and then sat under a tree by the duck pond on campus, playing her violin and trying to come up with a new melody to go with a song. Her headphones were in, and she moved easily with the music, her eyes closed.

 

[BloomingxxCyanide]

Ivey watched Alex run off, and then looked back at the front doors of David's apartment. She could go in and ask what the deal was, but David was probably asleep. Tomorrow, she told herself. And then she headed off to her thing.


Throughout the day - and after his nap, David returned to the letters, too afraid to open them up. What did they actually say? What would he read? He would pick them up, look at the handwriting on the envelopes as they matured, but then he'd put them down and go off to something else. And it repeated well into the night. But before he went to bed, he told himself that he really should read them, and that he should go one a day, until he either caught up or had something to approach Alex about.


He only had one class - and it was a later in the day class. Once it was done, David found himself walking along to work, slowly and carefully opening the very first envelope like it was glass. Should he be reading this before work? If he didn't, he wouldn't be able to read one today - like he wanted to do. He pulled out the letter and his hands started to shake as he stopped. This was more nerve-wracking than he expected. Taking a big breath, he unfolded it and started walking again, reading.

 

[tamaracorine]

'I know we said goodbye and all but I feel like I didn't say half the stuff I wanted to. You left so quickly and I miss you a whole lot, David. School is dull without you. How the heck do I care about algebra when you're not there to make up stupid reasons why it matters?' the letter began. It was a light letter - expressing how much she missed him and how much she wanted him to come back.


The letters changed over the next few months of her writing them.


'Mum is dying. She's got brain cancer and I swear, the scans show more cancer than brain. They think she's got a couple of months left, at the most, and she just spends all her time vomiting. It's a mess. Dad is too sad to do much so I've been talking care of Mum. Did you know that diapers exist for adults? Neither did I. God, I miss you. Please reply. Call. Visit. I need you. Where the hell are you?"


'She died at sunrise. I spent the whole night talking to her. She wouldn't let me leave. Kept saying 'story' over and over. One word. That's what her words have been reduced to. Had been. Past tense. Her eyes closed as the sun came up and I can't even cry, David. I can't find any tears. It's too hard to cry. Dad cried, though. Soaked my favourite shirt in his damn tears.'


The following year was a slow descent into what she had become. New friends that she was excited about at first, and then drunken nights that she regretted, then a flippant attitude that showed that she was caring less and less about who she was. The last letter was tear stained.


'You left. You said you'd keep in touch. You're gone. You're gone and you don't care and that's fine. I've got new friends. They want me. My father doesn't. You don't. But they do. I'll drink and I'll smoke and I'll do what I have to so I can keep them because no one else wants me. I hope you're happy, David. I miss you.


Honestly, I miss who I was when you were here.


I miss us.


But we're long gone.'


Alex was almost back to her normal self. She had let Ivey dye her hair, just like a sunset, and she was wearing make up again, even if it was slightly less than before. She sat in the same spot she had before - right on David's way home - and played the violin, lost in the music and making more money than normal. Her newfound sadness had made her much better at music.

 

[BloomingxxCyanide]

David cheated himself. There were days where he spent more time reading and re-reading the letters than reading books, or doing homework. Other days he was busy with work, classes, or hanging out with Ivey and the small click of friends that he was welcomed into to even read one. But when he reached the final letter, he felt a relief in his being. Almost like a leash being let go. Why did he feel like that?


Ivey had kept David in the loop about Alex, even showed him a picture of her hair. Feelings stirred inside of him every time Ivey brought up Alex. He was glad Ivey did, but it was almost like David didn't want anything to do with Alex. Afterall, their separation and furthered lack of communication was his fault for doing the return to sender way back.


But the whole situation had an effect on David too. As much as he had this new small group of friends, he kept to himself more and more, finding more and more books to get lost in. His bookshelf at his apartment was now over-stacked, and books started to fill up other spaces. His friends had a harder time pulling him away from his apartment. His part-time work saw him more and more as he sought out more books. And the e-mails to his parents increased tenfold. There was some kind of loneliness there, and it zapped David of everything he was building up to be.


Spotting the sunset hair on his path home, David sighed to himself. He had two new books in his backpack that he was eager to read through, but he knew if he passed Alex, he'd have to socialize. Maybe she was too into her music to notice him. It was a chance he had to take, he supposed. His pace quickened as he drew closer to her, and the violin buzzed in his head. She was suffering too. He managed to get past her before slowing down, and then stopping a few feet from her, and he just listened.

 

[tamaracorine]

Alex noticed him. She noticed his rushing feet and then the way he stopped suddenly and turned to watch her. She kept her eyes down as she played. The bow moved across the strings with a new energy - a mix of emotion and skill. In her sadness, she had spent less time drinking and more time practising.


The skill that had earned her a scholarship was finally being matched by hard work to improve that skill. But the emotion was too strong for her. She hated it. She had spent years burying her emotions in a pile of alcohol and parties and make up and music, and suddenly she wasn't numbing herself again.


She cried a lot. She didn't let people see it most of the time, but as she played there on the street and let the music fill her mind, tears fell yet again. She let them fall and continued to play for a few more minutes before the trembling of her hands forced her to stop. "Damn." she mumbled, lowering the violin and placing it in its case.


Her improved skill had made her more money than ever before, and for that she was glad, but as she pulled her knees up to her chest and hid her face between her knees, she simply wanted a hug. Or a drink. Or something stronger than each of those.

 

[BloomingxxCyanide]

David's infamous nagging feeling yelled at him, and he argued with himself as he moved. He slowly went beside Alex and sat down, taking a few minutes to figure out what to do. The only thing that his mind and the nagging feeling agreed on was not becoming too attached still, but doing something to stop her from crying.


He slid the arm closest to Alex around her waist and pulled her closer to him, and he looked straight ahead as he did so.

 

[tamaracorine]

Alex rested her head on David's shoulder, welcoming the friendly contact. She cried for a long time, never lifting her head or even opening her eyes. As the tears slowed down she dared to lift her head up, meeting David's eyes. "Are you going to say anything? About... the letters? Or did you throw them away?" she asked, letting her legs uncurl and stretch out in front of her. "It's okay if you didn't read them. I can't expect you to care about me. You clearly don't."

 

[BloomingxxCyanide]

"No, I read them. Ivey never told you?" David responded, sounding detached as he looked away from Alex and looked straight ahead again. "But you said it in the last one: we're long gone." He went quiet as his thumb started to trace a circle on Alex's shoulder, and he still looked ahead, his face rather neutral. He wasn't too sure what to say at this point, so he stayed quiet, tracing the circle, staring ahead.


"Those "us" are gone." he spoke up fifteen minutes later. He then looked back at Alex, his face very unreadable. "But the "us" now are here, and clearly distance can't separate us from being friends. Just how we came to be now is. I'm comfortable being a bookworm and a shut-in, as I'm sure you're comfortable being in a band, and partying." The tracing on her shoulder stopped as he tightened his arm around her. "Remember when we met?" he started, staring straight ahead again. "Grade 2, and that punk-ass bully was trying to wedgie me. You came along and made him cry. You've always been more out there than me, but we made it work." His arm loosened as he looked back at Alex.


"We can probably make it work again, but we can't force it. We can't act like the distance hasn't affected us. It clearly has. We need baby steps."

 

[tamaracorine]

She laughed, a quiet but sincere laugh, as he recalled how they had met. "He was a jerk. He deserved to be made to cry. Who the hell gives someone a wedgie?" she asked, "We were best friends from then on, hey? I never really had any other close friends until I met you. It was so strange." she kept her head on his shoulder, tilting it so that she could meet his gaze.


"I like being in a band. I moved her over the summer to join them, you know? They were after another guitarist and I showed up with my violin to an audition. They laughed at me at first but then we played a song together and I won them over. I love it. I love the way the music flows together and the extra dimensions the violin adds and I love the noise... God, I love the noise..." she laughed, wiping the remaining few tears from her eyes. "The partying sort of just comes with it. Like I said in some letters... I hate that part of me. I still hate it. But how do I play in a band and not party?"

 

[BloomingxxCyanide]

"You could always say no. Leave after the show and before the liquor comes out." David suggested, shrugging. "That's like asking me why I work in a bookstore and read so many books. It's an effect to what we like." he finished his sentence and watched Alex, and after a few moments he pulled himself away from her and stood up. She seemed okay now.


"I've gotta get home though. New books. Mom wants to hear about my day." he said softly, and detached again. He patted his leg and then gave Alex a wave, turning around and heading home. When he got home, he stood in his doorway, back against his door, staring at his shoe closet. All that he said gave him no emotional feeling. It was like he said it for Alex's sake. Was something wrong with him?

 

[tamaracorine]

Alex watched him walk away. She had heard his words, but she wasn't sure she believed any of them. He told her 'baby steps' but he seemed to want to take no steps. She packed her things up and headed home, letting herself fall into the same old rhythm of her life again. Band practise, ramen noodles, classes and gigs. It was familiar and comfortable. She did, however, start leaving gigs before the party began.


She was determined to at least try. She would stop making excuses. It took her another two weeks, but she headed to the bookstore where she knew David worked, and visited every few days until she found a day when he was working. She approached the counter and leaned on it, "Excuse me... I'd like to find a book about how to ask someone who was your best friend but is sort of distant now to hang out with you. It's a very specific need I have, but I know there's a book out there for everything. Can you help me, kind sir?" she asked, smirking at David.

 

[tamaracorine]

(Hey! Am clearing out inactive RPs from my notifications and such. Let me know if you want to continue.)