Forbidden Love (Dreamer)

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


Father made a sort of face I wasn't entirely sure was disapproving - he could never be mad when Mother was so happy - and finally heaved a tired sigh. "All right. . ." He said, long-sufferingly. "All right. Stop looking at me like that. We'll look around a bit."


I nodded a little. "They haven't really restricted us." I paused, frowning a little and fidgeting in distress. "But Rallek is locked up in a barn. They say they're keeping him safe from some sort of hunters, but he's so sad. . ." Father would know, if we got close enough. He could hear Rallek too, though not quite so clearly as we did.

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


Mother's face fell, and she tugged Father's sleeve, "We must go to him!". I laughed as she walked out of the room, "MOther? Do you even know where you're going?"


"No!"


I grinned at Reven, and pulled him along behind me, maybe this was a good thing.

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


I heard Father sigh behind us even as I let Izabelle pull me along, but he followed as well to make sure nothing bad happened. We saw a few elves as we passed, but no one stopped us or asked questions, since they'd been letting us roam already and, truly, Mother didn't look like she could cause any harm at all, in the lead of our little pack.


When we reached the barn, Father and I pushed the door aside and let Mother in, Rallek radiating an excited sort of happiness but also a bit of worry. He wasn't stupid. He knew we were stuck here, and now Mother and Father were stuck here too.

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


Mother covered him in kisses, he was almost like another child to her, "Oh darlin', we'll get ya outta here soon! I promise!"


I bit my lip, she was too fond of that. Making pretty promises she couldn't keep. I remember that when I was little, her and Father would get into yelling matches. She wanted us happy, and if she had to lie, she would.

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


I stood back a little with Father, and though he had that 'I want to argue' look, he didn't, just stayed still and quiet until Mother had calmed a bit, then approached to greet Rallek as well. "It's good to see you all safe, my friend. You did your job well."


Rallek rumbled happily and I walked over to just rest against his side. "He did his best to keep us safe."

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


Mother grinned again, joy radiating from her, "Of course, he always does".


I heard ((Crud! I named her and I forgot her name!!!!)) the beautiful woman come in, and I turned to her, "You are blessed with your children, they are dear"


I felt myself blush, if only she knew the trouble we could get into!

 

[EdithSpeaks]

((Jesslin. I looked back lol))


Reven


Father made a sort of scoffing noise under his breath, but cast a fond look in our direction before turning to greet the elven woman that had entered. "Thank you. But at the moment I would like only to take them home."


I shared a worried look with Izabelle, shifting on my feet. We couldn't just leave yet. We hadn't learned anything! We still had to learn magic and save our kingdom!

 

[Dreamer~]

((Thanks!))


Jesslin-


I saw the children's faces fall. Their mother's almost mirroring it. They didn't truly want to leave.


"Sir, I apologize," I said, again wondering why my voice was so gentle compared to all of theirs. "But we cannot let you leave as of yet. There is too much danger. For both ourselves, and your family"

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven-


"Danger?" Father parrot, a bit harsh at first, but he paused and looked back at us with a sort of worry I knew well on his face, and his voice went gentle again. ". . . What sort of danger? What is happening here? We cannot stay. We have a kingdom waiting for us!"

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


Jesslin sighed sadly, still a musical, pretty sound.


"The gnomes hunting season is upon us, and there is too much danger for your dragon. The fairies are at war once again on who should control the seasons and the unicorns are all in their black state."


"Black state?" I blurted, too curious for my own good.


"Child, unicorns are not only the sweet creatures you know. During the colder months the turn a dark black, haunted. They will attack anything. They're under the control of Witch Gabrielle during this time"

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven-


A chill ran down my spine, and I looked at Izabelle even as Father looked at Mother. Finally, he looked at Jesslin again. "All the more reason for us to return home. . . She's the reason our kingdom is in danger, and I intend to deal with her for the last time."

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


I'm not sure, but I could almost swear I heard Mother mutter, "Except I'm gonna be the one dealing with her"


Jesslin shook her head again, "No sir, I'm sorry. You cannot leave for at least a fortnight. Nothing can be argued and won against such matters."


Well, time to learn some tricks then!

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


I walked over to put a hand on Father's arm, stop him from arguing like he wanted to. ". . . We can't leave." I said softly, because it was true, and though I knew anger burned inside him he pushed it down and tried not to shout.


"Can we not at least let Rallek go? How close can these . . . gnomes get?"

 

[Dreamer~]

Jesslin-


I felt my face soften, I could hear the dragon's sad cries from my chambers at night, "I wouldn't want to risk it, but possibly in the early morn. Would he know where to go?" We elves knew little about the species, only that the gnomes would do anything for their scales and teeth. And anyone, would kill for the magic of a dragon's eye.


((Idk, it sounded cool))

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


I nodded quickly, holding onto Father's arm. "We can get up early and come get him! He'll be okay if he gets to come out in the morning. I'm sure he will. He can be quiet, and - and we'll come watch over him. He just . . . He needs to come out. . ."


((Yup :3))

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


Jesslin smiled, and Mother just looked over at Father, "Merrick, we must. He can't stay in there and the children are so careful"


What? I'm careful?

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


Father sighed softly and just looked at us, then shook his head slowly. "All right. . . All right. We'll stay nearby, just in case. But you must both be careful. I don't want to attract unwanted attention."

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


I blinked for a moment, "Was that directed specifically at me?" Mother laughed, "Probably us both, dear". Jesslin came up to me, eyeing a tear I'd managed to form in my dress, "Would you feel comfortable with following me? We could get you something much easier to stay in. More like mine". I studied the simple pants and shirt she wore, the flowing material held near her by a belt, "Su-Sure!"

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


Father opened his mouth to protest, but I squeezed a little tighter on his arm and gave him a look. He had to pick and choose his battles, and the sigh that followed showed me he'd given up this one. I looked at Jesslin and shifted away from Father a bit. "May . . . May I come as well?" We had best try to fit in here.

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


Jesslin smiled and nodded, "You two honestly hate to be apart"


"Always have," Mother sighed, leaning against Father as we walked away. "Be polite!"

 

[EdithSpeaks]

Reven


I frowned a little back at Mother. "When am I not . . ." I glanced at Izabelle and trailed off. "Oh." That one was probably aimed at her, more than me.


Father only shook his head and held her close. "Just try to stay out of trouble. More trouble, anyway."


I smiled slightly and waved, then just hook my arm through Izabelle's and followed after Jesslin. "We work better as a pair."

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


I sighed and let Reven lead. We were soon in a room, more tall windows decorated the walls, and I loved the way the curtains blew gently, like they were dancing. I had to redirect my concentration to Jesslin when she pulled out an outfit.


It was green, and gloriously simple. I knew already that riding and shooting would be easy. I loved it! 
((This is why my replies suck- Just finished entering it to Chicken SOup and admitting on FB. Holy Canolies. I'm just gonna go happy cry over everything!


I am blessed. I know a lot of people claim this, just for some pretty words to say, but I know for a fact it's true in my case. I wake up every morning, and I smile at least once through out the day. I am happy, I am strong, and I know I am loved.


Unfortunatly, it wasn't always like this. Starting in about ninth grade, I started to see myself differently. I felt like an outcast, like I was on the brink of human existance. My parents kept trying to push it off as teenage angst. But when I started to lose myself in a fantasy world, they knew there was more to the story, though I denied it. I believed they didn't know me, that they only wanted me gone. Of course they'd be happier without me! As I drifted farther away into myself I grew apart from my friends and family. I lied constantly, and thought nothing of it. I'd tell my boyfriend I skipped meals to make him feel bad for me, I'd say my parents were saying awful things to me, to make him feel the way I did about them. Not only did I lie to him about these things, but anyone who would listen.


By my junior year, I felt completely alone. No one could understand the evil things inside my head, and if they tried, they'd only leave. This, of course, wasn't true. In November, my friend drug me into the counselour, after I dogded her questions about depression and suicide. It helped when I opened myself up, but I didn't admit to the lies, or the fantasy world. I said it was all my parents misunderstanding me, that they didn't love me like they should. So this life preserver only lasted for a little while, and the dark came back.


January, my English class was reading Hamlet, "To be or not to be? That, is the question". We spent an entire day on that sililoque, and it chilled me. Hamlet couldn't commit suicide, it was illmoral. But life, wasn't worth living. I remember feeling like my teacher had reached into me and pulled the words out of my heart.


By March, I'd taken up an old habit of experimenting with cutting. Nothing deep, just scrapes along my shoulders. Every time my boyfriend or friends found out, I'd lie my way through it, "I'll get help, I'll get better, I'm okay".


As if! I wasn't willing to admit that I needed help! Not even with school! I was failing two classes, and just getting by in all others. My parents knew something was up with my grades, so they asked for progress reports on April 5th. Seeing those grades, I knew they'd flip. They'd send me away! And there was no way I'd let them do that. Tear me away from my boyfriend? The theater I put all my time into? I wouldn't let them.


Walking late into the theater that day, my director knew something was up. There had to be-I was late (for theater!) and I wasn't talking to anybody. She pulled me aside, and pried out the information about the grades. She offered several ways to help, and I nodded to each one, knowing it was too late to try them, my parents were done letting me try to fix this on my own. I was sent to the prop room, where I called my big sister and broke down. She also offered to help, and I just blew her off. I remember telling her I would be fine. It was the last time she talked to me for almost two months.


The next day, after I'd shown the grades to my parents, they were going over their options for what to do with me. I don't remember much of the morning, besides feeling angry, and standing in my closet, listening to their conversations. Vowing to myself I wouldn't let them control me anymore. They pulled me out into the living room, and explained how I was sending myself down a path I didn't want to go down, how I was ruining my chances- I heard it all through anger. When my mom cried, I blamed her for everything wrong with me. Dad yelled, and I only closed up. They didn't love me, right? After this discussion, I crawled into my bed with a notebook and pen. I started writing. "I've done it" I wrote, to. . . . Someone? Anyone? I didn't, and don't know. The pages continued, and soon turned into a suicide letter. I'm not sure when exacly I decided to end my life, but it wasn't a thought through decision, and was pure impulse. I waited for the rest of my family to leave, my dad and brother for soccor, mom and my younger sister for gymnastics half a block away. I finished the individual letters and then cut my long hair off to above my chin. I put on a favorite cd and then attempted to overdose on sleeping pills and Tylonel. Lying there, my body started to fade, feeling heavy and clumsy. I waited, my heartbeat growing louder and louder in my ears. Just waiting. . .


But then, a song came on. One that has always meant something to me, but for obvious reasons, now means much, much more. "You feel like a candle, in a hurricane, just like a picture, with a broken frame-". "Stand" by Rascal Flatts. All the dreams I had flew through my mind, and the one single thought, over and over- I don't want to die!


I called Dad and told him what I'd done, he's never been so upset with me. Mom and my sister came rushing from the gym, and I was soon at the hospital. My memory blanks then. But the stories I'm told, I did horrid things. I screamed, I hit people, I cursed. Things I would never do in my right mind. But the drugs had over taken my brain- I was no longer in control. The doctors and nurses in the ER kept telling my parents that there was a large possibility I wouldn't make it.


But God had an eye, and a loving hand on me. He saved me, and I have vague memories of Easter in the ICU. I also have memories of the hallucinations, and I know God was showing me what Hell could have been like. What I was putting my family through.


Withen days, I'd been able to smile and laugh my way out of the hospital, and was sent straight to a counselour, whom sent me right back. They wouldn't take me, even after I spent a few hours with the hospital conselour. I remember she liked roleplaying, and puzzles. Neither my mom nor I liked her. We now refer to her as "The Puzzle Lady".


I was sent home, where I made very little progress in recovery, even with daily counseling. I was home for about two weeks, and then Mom and Dad again sat me down- they were sending me away, to get help. But this time, not with school. With me. The Perry Center in downtown Portland was where I would spend the next unditermined amount of time of my life. I remember breaking down in tears, "Bet you never thought you'd have to send your kid to the looney-bin, huh?!"


Mom shook her head, "No, but this is not a 'looney-bin'. Where do you go when you break your leg?"


"The hospital. . ."


"When you need glasses?"


"The eye doctor place. . ."


"Exactly. And now you need help with your thinking, so you're gonna go where they're gonna help you"


We left the next day. And it was by far the most anxious, uncomfertable five hour drive I've ever been on. I'm thankful my mom was there with me, she's the only thing that gave me courage to walk in and not bolt. Soon, I was checked in, with pictures from home on the walls, my elephant pillow-pet on the bed and my clothes put in the little closet. The last thing to do, was let my mom leave me.


My mom has had to leave me in places since the beginning, it doesn't mean she's ever gotten used to it, or liked it. I was born three months immature and she had to leave her newborn in the hands of doctors she prayed she could trust. She had to do the same thing with her seventeen year old now. But this time, she'd be five hours away. I had family in the Portland area, but it wasn't quite the same. We hugged for a long time, and we somehow both held back our tears. I watched her close the door behind her, and I crawled up in the bed, hugging my pillow-pet. I didn't cry though, I felt like that'd be weakness.


I soon fell into the routine at the center, and made myself a person people liked. I was asked frequently, "Why are you even here?". I was smiley and always singing, trying to cheer someone up and laughing. The problem was, I couldn't do that for myself. I hated myself. The staff and others there couldn't understand why- they adored me. But my low, almost nothing, self esteem frequently showed through. I'd be praising someone, but when the conversation turned to me, I had nothing positive to offer. I didn't see anything in my school work the teachers there adored. I saw nothing in myself. And I saw worse things when I looked in the mirror.


I broke down from homesickness after about a week. I layed in bed and cried. I wanted to go home, these people could never get into my head. Let alone understand it. The next day, God gave me hope. Shortly after leaving the hospital, I asked Him for a rainbow. I didn't see one until I was in Perry. Big and bright, like it had been painted in the sky just for me, I believe it had been.


Slowly, but surely, Perry Center helped me. I found myself looking back on my past and smiling, not finding every mistake. I encouraged myself more, instead of scolding. I practiced looking in the mirror, meeting my own eyes and saying that I could do this. That I could do anything. Within a month, I was ready to go home and face my new challenge- the people I'd affected.


This started out horrible. I felt again that people didn't understand, no matter how I explained it. My counselour, Susan, let me vent and tried in every way to help. My family soon came around, but there was someone who didn't forgive me. I don't blame him, he has his reasons, and I know by the way he reacted he honestly cared about me. But I hurt him, and he couldn't come back to me, no matter how much I loved him. At first, I was angry with him, hurt that he'd betrayed his promise of loving me "no matter what". But high school romances rarely beat the extreme odds, let alone lies, and depression. I've come to terms with this now, and we're friends, but we'll never have again what we did. And I'm fine with that. God has ways of teaching you different lessons, and this was one of mine.


Another person I had to confess to, was the older sister I'd never met- Kory. She's the one I'd called that day in the prop room, who only wanted to help. She is another reason I'm so thankful God has given me a second chance. The day I met Kory, was beautiful. Fairytale worthy. She came out of a black Jeep, and I jumped into her arms, where we both cried. Finally, we were together. We spent most the day together, and at one point, were alone in an orchird. Kory is very religious, and I was scared to admit to what I'd done. I told her as we were walking under the trees, close and surreal. She stopped, and said, "Kenzi, you are my sister. I love you, no matter what you do. And if you ever need me, I'm here for you"


"B-But"


"No buts. I'll always be here for you, always. And I'll always love you"


She hugged me then, and I hugged her back. That moment will always be one of my favorite memories.


Along with many others I've been able to create since that awful day. I'm back in theater and being the "Prop Princess" for Wixard of Oz, where I make everything from giant lollipops to dead witches. I got to kayak again. I'm coached gymnastics to wonderful little girls. I had an awesome eighteenth and ninetenth birthday.I'm now attending the International Air and Hospitality Academy, in hopes of becoming a flight attendant. I got here with 4,000 dollars in scholarships. Me! The girl who was failing classes and about to be sent away is now in a high end trade school she worked and earned herself into.


And a moment that will always be another message from God that I know is for me-


My grandparents had taken my little sister, Annika, and I to go see the Oregon Jamboree where Rascal Flatts, Steve Holy, and Dierks Bentley were playing. We were stoked! Waiting for Rascal Flatts, we even ended up cheering for set-up guys in the thought that they were the band. When they actually came onstage, we screamed, and laughed and cried along with the crowd. Then at one point, Gary LeVox asked the crowd to scream out a song we wanted played, Annika and I screamed our favorite songs, "Bless the Broken Road" for her. And "Stand", of course, for me. A girl in front of us was also a huge fan. We waited, and Annika's was picked, then the girls. More and more time and songs went by, I just waited patiently. The girl and Annika started screaming, "Stand" right along with me. Soon, they pulled out a stool which Gary sat on with a pretty acoustic guitar.


"This is for all of you who have had to get up and stand. With God's help, you can do anything" he said, and started playing. Annika hugged me, "It's your song!", the girl who's name I never heard or knew, spun around to face me and grinned, "It's your song!"


And it was. I cried. I cried because I was happy. I was loved. I was alive and standing! They played the song and through my tears and smile I sang along.


I am blessed. I am living, breathing, singing and loving. I am also loved, by amazing family and friends. I plan to get "stand" tattooed on my shoulder where I experimented with cutting, with the "t" as a cross for my reunion and faith in God and the "d" as a music note. It's a symbol that literally means my life to me. I wake up and thank God every day that I'm granted another day, even if it's a bad one. I have a second chance to fall in love, to meet people, and live my life. I'm not the same person I was in April, I'm better. I'm finally the person I want to be. There's no need to slip into that fantasy world, I love who I am. That, in itself, is a blessing.


And Nala, you're one of those friends too(: ))

 

[EdithSpeaks]

((My eyes seem to be leaking. . .


Oh my god how could you do this to me it's midnight and I had a long day at work after five hours of sleep last night and I'm so tired and asgkalkdjgakdngh- This was kind of the greatest thing ever. I mean, I know you had it so rough, and you probably still do, but a close friend of mine that's only fourteen that I love to death is going through some things that are extremely, extremely similar to this - after getting out of the hospital a few weeks ago, she's told her therapist she feels like she wants to die, for the second time, and was just readmitted yesterday - and i just want to say thank you for sharing something that must be difficult to say for you. Just - This was beautiful. Thank you so much for considering me a part of it.))


Reven-


I smiled and clapped lightly when Izabelle came back after changing into her clothes. "Very pretty, Iz. Practical too." Jesslin came back again, though, and brought me a sleek green and black set of clothing to wear. I honestly wasnt sure whether I'd expected to get anything or not.

 

[Dreamer~]

((Well, now we're both leaking! Prayers and hugs to your friend!! If you think it might help her, show her my story. Im always willing to help out. Poor bug): School time now, this is all from my phone cause Im a cheater and read yours and then think about my replies. LOVE YOU!!))

 

[Dreamer~]

Izabelle-


I bounced on my toes when Jesslin reappeared with Reven's clothing, "Put it on, put it on, put it on!"


Oh yeah, I was supposed to being tactful and graceful. As if!