I don't want my daughter to join band or orchestra and get exposed to all that sax and violins.
I'm such a good dad.
I'm such a good dad.
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I did a push-up today. Well, actually, I fell down, but I had to use my arms to lift myself up.
I need some chocolate.
Whoever invented "knock knock" jokes should get a 'no bell' prize! Ha!
What if April Fools Day was really April 2nd, and we've all been fooled all this time?
I am a very sad Sherwood right now. My 15 year old kitty is in so much pain, and now he's not eating anymore. I think its time for me to say goodbye.
Four of the five voices in my head want to go to sleep, but the fifth one keeps on wondering if penguins have knees.
I've come down with a bad case of Ebola, and I'm about to die. My wife tells me that its just a cold, but she must be mistaken. After all, the symptoms are pretty much the same, right?
If Apple made a car, would it have Windows?
Why are iPhone chargers not called Apple Juice?
Exercising would be so much more satisfying if calories would scream as you burn them.
I'm taking my daughter and her boyfriend out to the Air Force Base here in town for the big Thunderbirds airshow tomorrow. I love seeing the jets up close and personal like that.
You should always give 100% on what you are doing.
Unless you are donating blood.
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, and insomniac and a agnostic?
A person that lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
What is Forrest Gump's Netflix password?
1Forrest1
People tell me that I have a unique way of lighting up a room.
Its called arson, and those people are witnesses.
Exhaustipation: Being too tired to give a shit.
How do you determine the radius of a magical forest? You start by looking for the centaur! Ha!
It takes a Viking to raze a village.
I tried to grab some fog today, but I missed.
Chocolate comes from cocoa, which is a tree. That makes it a plant. Chocolate is a salad.
I try to tell chemistry jokes, but I get no reaction.
I was in such a crummy mood last night, it was a good thing I didn't post in my games. I would have killed off half of my players. I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm not at a 100% yet. Give me a little bit of time and I'll be my old self again.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese.
Fine. It was a pizza. I ate pizza.
What do you call a belt made out of watches?
A waist of time! Ha!
James, while feeling rather draper,
touched the fire to grandpa's paper.
Grandpa jumped a foot or higher,
dropped the paper and shouted, "FIRE!"
"This," said James, "confirms my notion,
that heat creates both light and motion." -
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