Prrrgadilly

So, I just read through all my status updates, and I'm a bit embarrassed to know myself. I'm an emotional wreck.

Reading through old RPs and missing my old characters.





Fuck it! Time to find RPs to shove them into. The oldies are yhe goodies!

I've suddenly developed an unhealthy love for gifs.


View attachment 222249

This sums up the feelings of my day so far.

Sorry for the radio silence folks. I've been out hiking with My Girls. There's no service in the mountains.

Ever reread a post you wrote and saw some part that just came together really well?


"I can't say that I don't feel anything for you, but I don't have the right to fool you into believing that my situation will ever change. How can you be sure that I am what you want? We've not known each other for even a day, yet you claim to have feelings for me that inspire dreams of an eternity. How do I know that this isn't just an infatuation born from curiosity or naivete, on both our parts?"


The "inspires dream of eternity" part just really touched me, and I WROTE IT. LoL

My newest obsession. It just makes me want to grab someone and going clubbin.

So, im doing ok right now.


I have a new weekly obseession.

So, my three best friends and I are going on a road trip tomorrow, which means that I may post extremely erratically for the next two days.


@Kairikudo


@Safety Hammer


@Tonstad39


@Kumii


@FireMaiden


@Desert Rose


@Kazanna

Finally just churned out the last of the CSs for RPs I was in. I say "job well done, Dela", and bid you all a good night.

Sleep sounds wonderful right now. I think I'll partake.

For being gone for 2 days, I think I did alright with catching up. If I missed something, feel free to tell me. RPing and making CSs was really good for me. Makes the pain easier to deal with when I can channel all the run off emotions into something.


Anyway, signing off.

Sorry for the radio silence. I went to my adoptive Nana's funeral yesterday, and was useless anything but crying up until the moment they lowered her into the ground. I'll probably post tomorrow but no promises.


@Safety Hammer


@Tonstad39


@Desert Rose


@FrostXShadow


@Kumii

Y u no reply?

Just got the news that my best friend's grandmother passed away a in the last hour. I never knew that grief could physically hurt.

I managed to squeeze out 2 out of 5 CSs, I need to do, on a cellphone, and I am appropriately drained. Goodnight, cruel world. 

Taking  stroll through all the Hosted Projects I'm in, and realized that there are like 4 that I need to do a CS for still. Looks like its gonna be a real fun night.


(no sarcasm.)

So, I'm at the library. Trying to make ample use of the free wi-fi for a couple hours and updating various programs, when I realize something terrible: I left my headphones at home. This sucks so hard right now. GAH!!!

One moment I'm sitting at the kitchen table wrapped in a comforter, because my house is freezing at night, typing an RP reply on my phone. The next moment, I'm waking up two hours later feeling just awake enough to shift around, stay awake for another 3 minutes, and fall back asleep. Rinse and repeat the process 2 more times until I wake up and suddenly have the energy to actually move. Then, I'm taking my sorry to sleep only to find hat I have to much energy to fall back to sleep now, even though I'm yawning incontrollably


Welp, time for Netflix til I lose consciousness again.

Sometimes, I wish that I came under the influence of a truth spell, so that I could tell everybody exactly what I think and how I feel without reservations. Being a civil human sucks, but it seems to be all I can do nowadays.

Got my hair relaxed a couplenof days ago. Hey had to cut off 2 inches of dead hair and split ends, but my hair still reaches just past my shoulders. I'm amazed that its so long. Loving my bangs and the fact that I can flip my hair over my shoulder. I can'twait for it to grow even longer. 


LONG HAIR RULES.

Even though I really want to RP more, I can't seem to find any that I want to join. It's like I have this fear of joining new RPs now.

Was just reading through an old RP I was in and damn I had fun in it. I'm sad that ig ended the way it did, but I'm happy that I got to enjoy iflt for so long.

These sheltered eyes


They cry out crystal tears


So that they may never reach the sea


I gather them up


And place them upon my brow


They are my crown


My crown of pain, I wear with pride


Upon this stone throne I reside


This hidden heart lies


It hides behind forbidden fears


Chained so as to be never truly free


I gather them up


And place them around my breast


They are my robes


My robes of denial, I wear with pride


Within this frozen tower I reside


This quiet fool dies


He is conveyed by cheers


Never to be the well-rooted tree


I gather him up


And hold him, still in my arms


He is my proof


My proof of authority, I bear with pride


Beside this forgotten corpse I reside


I am the hubris king


I am the harlot queen


I rule this land with a misguided hand


(Can't seem to finish it, but it wrote itself.)

So, I spend my whole day binging Netflix, predominantly Charmed, and basically enjoyed my only day off this week. At sometime around 5pm, I start to feel the sadness set in. I then proceed to spend the next 30 minutes asking myself silent questions and answering them out loud, while laying on my back gazing at the ceiling, and letting the tears streak out the corners of my eyes and flow down the sides of my face til their dripping onto my pillow from my ears.


Now, of course I explored my issues and why I'm the victim of this crushing dispair, that lurks behind my every smile and laugh, and of course hlthis only serves to make me feel worse. So I spend another hour just crying, not moaning, not yelling, not kicking or screaming or bawling, or anything else that I really want to do, no. I just laid their, with a completely  emotionless face, and the tears roll out until I was so full of sadness and dispair, that they blocked my tears.


Sometimes, I wish I was weaker  so that I could just break down in front of people or attempt suicide and be caught. Then, I'd have to tell other people how absolutely ordinary and pathetic I feel. Unfortunately, when you spend 10 years of your life hiding behind masks and armor, it's hard to stop, even when you want to. Now, everyone around me thinks I'm fabulous and think that I think I'm fabulous. Telling them that I'm not, that I hate myself more than anything in this world, it has become impossible. No one allows me to put myself down the way I wish. I am not trapped by the expectations I coaxed out of them, trapped by my pride, my fear, and my shame.


If people say that indecision is fatal, then I wish for the courage to live, truly live.