The Fear principle (Accepting)

"No?" Jack question, finally leaning back and dropping against her cot full force as she propped her legs up.


"-cuz you came and got me pretty quick once you realized I was by him...what was it? Concern? Jealousy? Curiosity?" Tilting her head to the side she studied the other woman, the smirk still playing at her lips. "Any of the three would be flattering..."


"And what exactly do we have to talk about? We already talked the other day...then you, well...did what you did...I'd say we shouldn't have much to talk about for days...besides...I do my talking, everyday to your girl Rinji...that's enough for me. I don't think I need to repeat everything I go and tell my frie-her..." She had almost said friend. F**k! She knew Jaguar would catch that too, and that would start and whole new bit of her pushing, and throwing questions at her.


Faking a yawn, she rose an eyebrow and eyed Jaguar. "Are we done here, I usually grab a nap after breakfast and my workout...you're kinda killing my time here..."
 
"I came and got you because you were in an area you weren't supposed to be," Jaguar told her calmly, even as she tried to convince herself as well that this was mostly true. "Why, which of those three emotions would you prefer me to feel towards you?"


She took a step closer to Jack, extending one hand partly as she shrugged in response to her continued words. "I talked. You yelled and deflected. We didn't accomplish very much in the way of conversation. I'd like to change that. No head games, just words. Can you handle that?"


She did catch the almost finished "friend" word about Rinji and smiled, pleased. So Rinji was indeed sinking her manicured nails beneath Jack's skin...good. She had half a mind to get her to start joining sessions with her.
 
List could still hear Rinji calling to them from outside and was actually grateful that she didn't have the sense to call for help, knowing that either Crane would be hurt or they would be seperated - or both. He did his best to glare at her out of the corner of his eyes when she suggested they kiss - what kind of a perverted place was this? - but gave up the effort in order to focus.


Crane's eyes shifted slightly to the side and back, and he started to look vaguely surprised, his grip loosening just enough that List could shove his arms down onto the bed and keep them there. List dropped onto his side, one leg still flung over his brother's middle where he'd been kneeling, and dissolved into a coughing, wheezing fit that made it feel as if he were hacking up razor blades.


Crane was floundering, shifting on the bed a little and looking around like he didn't know where he was. He finally settled when he looked at List, confused and lost still and oblivious to List's pain for the moment - List preferred it that way, when they were young and their father beat him, so Crane wouldn't be so upset so often.


". . . List . . ." Crane managed quietly after a moment, while List lay motionless next to him and breathed in a way that was audibly wrong but would heal without much help. "My head hurts. . ."


List closed his eyes to keep calm and just pawed a hand blindly at Crane's hair. "It'll pass." He said, his voice rough and painful even though he spoke quietly. "It always does. I'm here. It's all right." He was just going to have to pay closer attention to Crane while they were here. He was going to have to stop these fits before they started, or someone more important than Rinji would see and they would get seperated.
 
Jack's jaw clenched. She didn't like how smug Jaguar seemed to be and knew that she had been caught. It was true, she had become rather fond of Rinji, and it was possible that there were feelings there. It was safe to say that there were even some blossoming feelings for the doctor as well, but those strongly pulled in the direction of hatred laced with lust. It had been way too long since the last time she had been...with someone in that way...and Jack had a strong feeling that if Jag tried what she had pulled the other day again, when jack was in one of her moods, that things would get too physical...maybe even violent...then again, for all she knew, Jaguar might be into that...


"I can handle anything you f*****g tried to throw at me...I just chose not to..." Reaching behind her, she grabbed at a hidden cigarette and after flicking a match, inhaled the stale nicotine, coughing only once. It was a bad habit, but in a place like these you usually dropped your old habits by picking up even worse ones.


Blowing a smoke ring in Jaguar's direction she smirked, eyeing her over the tip of the cigarette and made a face. "You're the one with all these files on me...aren't you the one that should already know all there is about me? What do we even need to talk about?"
 
"Are you okay?" Rinji is still concerned, calling out slightly louder than before through the glass. "Oh, good, Crane, you're not choking List anymore! You shouldn't do that again, that really looked like it hurt him, you know. Do you like hugs? Crane, you should hug List instead. Most people like hugs. Well some say they don't but usually if you hug them anyway they do like them. Or they get used to them."


She pauses, watching List pet Crane's hair, and takes this to be validation of her theory. "See, like that, he likes you playing with his hair so he'd probably like a hug. I like to play with hair too, I'm really good at braiding and putting curls and feathers and stuff. Too bad mine's still growing out, you can do more with it when it's long. But I make do!"


**


"Chose not to?" Jaguar repeated what Jack had said calmly, taking another step towards her. "There's a lot of things you choose to do, huh? You choose not to cooperate with authority figures...you choose to keep people out of your thoughts and head to the best of your ability. You choose to kill, and you choose to keep yourself here for the rest of your life, by all your other choices. If you continue to choose them."


She paused, watching Jack, and then moved closer, her voice softening. "I know your files, but files are detached, clinical words. They may say facts, but there is no emotion or reason behind it, no understanding. What I want is to know you, as you have experienced you. That's nothing words in a file can tell me."


Another step closer. "You say you choose. Will you ever choose to let go of the pain you've kept inside you, to actually let yourself take a step towards finally receiving what you really need?"
 
List looked wearily at the door and did his very best not to glare again like he had before. It was a moment of weakness, and even if this was just Rinji, someone that would never report him for something like that and probably hadn't even noticed at all, he couldn't make a habit of it. The only way he would be able to stay with Crane was if he behaved, even if he wasn't very good at the 'therapy' sessions.


Crane, blinking groggily after the attack, winced a little and looked over at the window, confused. ". . . Rinji?" He turned his head slowly to look at List again, smiling faintly. "Rinji's here."


List heaved a sigh and just focused on keeping his breathing tightly controlled so that he wouldn't start coughing again and make his throat worse. There were already going to be hand-shaped bruises to explain away and that was going to be bad enough. He couldn't be croaky for more than a day on top of it. "Yes, she's here." He said quietly, for once glad for her distraction, as Crane seemed to be able to push his headache to the background for now. "She wanted to talk to you."


Crane looked at the door again and raised a hand in a little wave. "Hi, Rinji."
 
"Yeah, I'm here!" Rinji confirmed brightly as she waved back at Crane, her somewhat worried expression clearing as Crane and List begin to act somewhat more normally. "Hi! You look better now, but List sort of doesn't. I mean, it's better he doesn't have you choking him, but now it looks like there's a hand on his throat even though you're not touching him anymore."


She squints, continuing to observe, "I think it's sort of purple colored. I bet Jaguar will figure out why it's like that because it looks just like a hand. Too bad there aren't any turtlenecks here, because you might get in trouble or something. That's what I used to do when I needed to hide hickeys, put on a turtleneck. Or wear a cool scarf or if it was summer. The filmy kinds, not the thick winter ones...should I get you guys a scarf? I think red would be your color, totally."
 
Crane frowned slightly, looking at List and trailing his eyes down to his brother's throat. ". . . List?" He asked, quietly and nervously, and reached out a hand to brush his fingers over the bruises.


List caught Crane's hand and shook his head. "It's nothing. Just a bruise." That was generally what he'd always told Crane when they were children. If he was cut or stabbed, it was just a bruise. If his bones were broken, it was just a bruise. At least now he wasn't lying. There was something to be said for that. He just had to keep Crane from learning that he himself had done it.


List sighed and looked towards Rinji again, not moving and just resting for now. "I think wearing a red scarf in this place would just make it more obvious, don't you?" No, he would just bear his bruises like he always did, and if Jaguar wanted to find out what had happened, she could pull it from his head. He didn't have to like it to know it was true. There were only a tiny handful of memories he kept locked out of even Crane's view.
 
"I never meant to kill anybody!" The words burst free from her lips before she can stop them and she groans inwardly. Great, just one more thing to be used against her.


"You know what? I actually prefer the damn kissing and s**t over this! I'm so sick of you trying to help me...to fix me...there's nothing the f**k wrong with me damnit!" Her chest rises and falls rather quickly as her anger builds. Pushing herself up from the bed she moves quickly until her body is inches away from Jaguar's.


"Trust me," her voice shakes and for a split second, she caves. "You do not want to get to know me...I don't even want to know me..."
 
The emotion, always close to surface, despite Jack’s own desires to keep it at bay, was already coming out in small outbursts, and Jaguar knew that she would have to tread carefully now. She had a lot of ground to make up for after her last several encounters with the woman, and the way she responded to her now was vital. This was not about domination, as it was with Mason…this was about sincerity now. This was about showing Jack what she wanted and needed, showing her that she need not fear either receiving or lacking it. This was about showing Jack a part of her, so that she could see that it was safe, in turn, for Jack to show Jaguar part of her own self.





She didn’t move back from Jack’s approach, nor did she touch her. She looked back at her steadily and responded genuinely to her words.





“You say there is nothing wrong with you, but you fear that is not true. You are afraid to know and see yourself for who you really are…you are afraid of what you would find, and what it would do to destroy the person you want to show the world. You are afraid that you are weak or bad, that you are damaged in some way, and that you will end up alone, unloved, forever because of it. You would rather deliberately push others away because then you could at least say that being alone is your choice. I saw none of this in your thoughts, Jack. You broadcast this just with the actions I can observe and the emotions I can see in your face.”





Jack says all of this gently, pausing to let her adjust, before continuing. “I want to know you, Jack. I want to know exactly who you are not because I want power or control over you, but because you are a person worth knowing. You are a person worth helping…and I will show you who I am as well.”





Another few moments, and she reaches out, very gently laying a hand on Jack’s cheek.


**


“Hm, maybe,” Rinji said thoughtfully, her brow furrowing as she considered List’s words. “Maybe just a black one then. Black can be sexy sometimes, but it’s sort of boring. Red is a lot prettier. But purple is my favorite color. Would that stand out too much? What’s your favorite colors?”





She barely waits for them to respond before pushing herself back from the doorway. “Should I go get you a bandaid or ice or a pill or something? Or makeup! Concealer is really great at covering up dark eye shadow things, but it’s better if you just don’t get them! Lots of sleep is very important for the complexion, you know. Cucumbers help too.”
 
List sighed as she babbled on and took the time for her to finish to just keep breathing steadily. He was already beginning to feel a little better, though that was probably because he could get the amount of oxygen he needed now. He didn't blame Crane; he never did. Because of the way he sometimes soaked up the emotions and thoughts of others, Crane could act strangely or violently at any given time, and it wasn't even his own psychosis doing it. That part of him was much worse, almost but not quite like a dual personality, and one that didn't care if anyone but List got hurt. One that was at times willing to fight and wanted to. List didn't like seeing Crane like that, but at least it didn't happen often.


List shook his head and just watched Rinji through the window, resting a hand on Crane's arm to reassure him. "Rinji?" He said, just to get her to pause and breath a moment so he could reply. "Even if I said 'ice' and you brought it, how would you get it inside?" She wasn't allowed to open the doors, so far as List knew, and there was no one else out there with her. If she brought anything she would just have to set it on the floor and leave it there, and whatever it was would be useless by the time someone came to release them for their next meal. Honestly, List was surprised the usual supervisor hadn't sent anyone to stop his and Crane's 'fighting'.
 
This time when Jaguar touches her, she doesn't pull back at first. A muscle in her jaw twitches slightly and she lets the other woman keep her hand there for a minute before finally brushing it aside.


"No...I don't want to know who you are...I don't care...everyone who I let get close to me...they get hurt...they always get hurt..." she flinches visibly as she thinks about Rinji, knowing she should probably sever the ties she had formed to the blond soon.


"I think...you better leave now...this isn't our assigned session, and like I said...I'm tired..."
 
List's question gave Rinji pause. She had never considered this rather reasonable problem to her proposed "help," and she tilts her head to the side, giving a faint laugh as she realizes what he says is a pretty good point.


"Ohhh right. Um, I guess I can't really give you anything then. Wow, that sucks. Maybe Jaguar would let me come in if I asked nicely though. I mean I can go to the exercise areas and the cafeteria, so why not? Maybe I'll ask...that's too bad. Oh well!"


She backs away from the door then, giving them both a cheery wave. "I guess I have to go work now...and I should go find Bailey! I bet she'll let me even if Jaguar won't. Bye guys, feel better and don't choke each other anymore. Your neck looks a lot better when it's not purple."


She sashayed her way to the elevator and onto the first floor, asking most people she saw if they had seen Bailey today and if so, what floor.


**


Jaguar noticed the delay in Jack's pulling away from her. She is definitely easing with her, ever so slightly, so Jaguar doesn't step back. She doesn't reach for her again, not yet, but she does remain ready to do so at the moment it seems right.


"And it frightens you," she said quietly. "The thought of people being hurt, when you care for them. It frightens me too, Jack. It frightens most people. Most," she allowed a smile, "except for Rinji."


She watches Jack carefully as she speaks the blonde's name. "You care for her. Don't you? Would you hurt her, to keep yourself from getting hurt? You flinch just thinking about her. But she gives your pleasure. She gives you hope. Would you really push that away? There is so little of it in the world."
 
List watched in silence as Rinji had a conversation with herself, thinking that he probably shouldn't have said anything to her about not getting in on her own. He didn't really want her bringing Jaguar in here, or anyone else, for that matter. They still had a while before their next session and List wanted that time to rest up and heal so he wouldn't sound so horrible whenever he saw someone next.


When Rinji bounced away, he heaved a sigh and flopped back down, having picked his head up to see her. Crane shifted and curled into him, closing his eyes and curling his fingers in List's shirt. "My head hurts. . ." He complained quietly.


List sighed again and just petted his brother's hair. "It'll pass. . . It'll pass. . ."
 
"You....know nothing...." Jack's voice is deadly calm, and a muscle in her jaw twitches. This was the second time she had asked Jaguar to leave, and now she was getting pissed off. She had given the woman a chance, had even started to second guess herself about finding out all she could about Mason to use against her, but now...


"If you don't leave, I'm going to start screaming for the guards..." Now her voice shook. "-and I don't care what I have to do to get you as far away from me right now, not even landing myself in solitary for a few days...get...the...f**k...outta my cell!"
 
Clearly, Jack was not calming down. Jaguar observed the tension in her body, hearing the tremble in her tone, and she knew that the other woman was getting upset as well as angry. She did not have to invade her thoughts to see that; Jack was making this extraordinarily clear in her communication. Jack wanted her to leave. Jack wanted to manipulate the situation more to her liking; she knew that last time, Jaguar had been thrown out of her cell, and that all she had to do now was scream for it to happen again. Well, that was not acceptable. Whether she liked it or not, she was going to hear Jaguar out…however it took.





Beginning to feel some anger towards her herself, Jaguar reached out and took her jaw with one hand, forcing Jack to turn her face towards her and look her in the eyes. “You are behaving like a child. I know that you enjoy Rinji’s company. There is no shame in it, and there is no benefit in pretending you don’t. Now if you do care for her like I know you do, then you will listen to me now to help her. Forget sessions. F*ck it all right now. You help me watch her back, because what Mason Cooper will do with her…”





She pauses, hesitating, then says more carefully and controlled as she releases Jack, “What he will do to her is something neither of us want. Trust me when I tell you that I know this.”
 
Bailey was still in her office, reading over Matthis's file as she tried to figure out exactly what to do with his classes, given that he would absolutely not respond to her reaching out to him with her thoughts, at least, not any time soon. Reaching over, she gripped her coffee mug and took a long drink, other hand rubbing at her temples lightly.


There was always the option of starting off slow, like she and Jaguar had with the twins before they were transferred out. It was a standard way to have classes run, though thinking outside of the box, knowing this little about her student, could be dangerous. Especially since he'd reacted so violently to what she had done in his cell. Baby steps would have to be the way to go, she supposed, and jotted a few notes down before she stuck her pen into her mouth and sat back.


Allowing her body to relax, Bailey pushed her thoughts out to see what everyone else was doing. She found Jaguar right away, with another empath, though it didn't feel like anyone that worked with them. A student, maybe? Either way, she backed off from the heat quickly, making contact with each person, just barely grazing past them, searching more for people she found familiar than anything.
 
It hadn't occurred to Rinji to look for Bailey in her office; instead, she had roamed the halls, peeking into cells and other rooms, certain that Bailey, like Rinji herself, would avoid actually being in the place she was expected to be at all costs. She checked her own office before it occurred to her to check Bailey's, and she was genuinely surprised to see the other girl sitting inside it.


"Hey Bay!" she greeted her, coming in and letting the door slam behind her as she gave her a hug from behind, affectionately brushing back Bailey's hair with her hand as she smiled at her. "I've been looking for you. I want to give List a scarf because he has marks on his neck. Only I can't get in. Can anyone give me keys to the prisoners' cells? I would see them more then."


She sat on Bailey's desk, oblivious as to whether or not she was welcome there or in such an invasive proximity, and stretched out one foot, admiring her pink heels. "These make me look taller, I love them."
 
When Jeremiah woke, he wondered, briefly, if he was experiencing a hangover. He had never drank alcohol before, let alone to the point of drunkenness, but it fit the description nicely, and he'd felt it by proxy once or twice in the past. His head was throbbing and for a moment he couldn't quite tell where his limbs were, not until he tried to move them. He wasn't quite nauseas, but his stomach was unsettled, and it was very, very quite inside his head. He wasn't used to it, and he didn't quite know if he preferred it, but he started putting his walls back up once he was conscious enough to do so.


Jaguar.


The name occurred to him and his memory filtered back into his thoughts, of calling her to his room and standing facing her, of her in his head and him falling into her. When he'd finished putting up the blocks, he sat up very carefully, looked slowly around his office, and finally tried to reach out to her. It hurt his head a little, but he just rubbed the kinks out of the back of his neck and persevered, not attempting to stand just yet.


Miss Adams. My office, when you have a moment.


He didn't see a reason to rush her, and he needed to get himself collected anyway. Without trying yet to see if he could stomach reaching out to the entire facility again, he went to his quarters and changed into a new suit, as his old one was crumpled and ruined from sleeping on and in it, and just ran his hands through his hair to fix it. He had to admit to himself that he did feel better than before. He should've gone to her much sooner.
 
Jaguar is still looking into Jack's eyes, still maintaining her hold on her when she hears Jeremiah's voice in her thoughts. She startles inwardly, not having expected him to awaken for some time yet, but then, he is strong-willed enough to resist even her having put him to sleep. How long has he been awake, how long has he been watching her?


She doesn't respond to him right away, waiting for Jack's reaction. She hopes the other woman can't see at a glance that she is reacting to another presence as well. When Jeremiah asks to see her in his office, she acknowledges mentally only with a nod. Has he had others spy on her or report her doings during his sleep? Has he viewed cameras or anything else like this to keep track of her? She can't help but be suspicious even as she doesn't question him further. She's not leaving Jack until she's good and ready to.
 
"Mason won't touch her!" Jack snarls, her eyes going wide at the thought. She still didn't know this guy, what his deal was, what he done in his past, but she knew she'd never let anything back come to her friend.


Realizing that she's just exposed her true feelings, Jack's gaze drops and she stares at the floor silently for a moment. "Nothing is going to happen to Rinji...ever...I won't let it...I'd kill him for looking at her the wrong way...anyone...she's mi...." Trailing off, she shakes her head and swallows hard, her eyes burning. "She's an innocent...and a...a good person..."


Dropping back down on her bed, she plays with her hands, tracing some of her tattoos along her arms as she avoids looking up at her teacher.
 
"I would never deliberately let him harm her, and it seems that you wouldn't either," Jaguar told Jack quietly, not trying to touch her again. She didn't mention that the girl seemed considerably more agitated than she probably wanted to at the very thought. Jack knew that Jaguar knew that she cared deeply for Rinji, and that was enough for now without her having to say so aloud.


"But he will try. Mason will do that with any and everyone that I care about, Jack, and that includes you too. But you're right...Rinji is innocent and good, and that's why he would go for her before he would you. Because she would be easier. And that is why I need your help to watch her, to protect her."


She pauses, then finishes in the same serious tone, "Will you help me, Jack? Please?"
 
Bailey jumped when the door swung open and Rinji's voice called through, and once again when the door slammed shut. Her eyebrows gradually inched toward her hairline at the request of giving her the keys to the cells to give one of the inmates a scarf.


"I'm not entirely sure that would be a good idea," She said at first, carefully hedging around telling the girl 'no' right away. "I don't think I have the keys to the twins' cells anyway since they're not my students. I think that'd be something you'd want to take up with Jaguar, maybe."


Involuntarily, Bailey bristled ever so slightly when Rinji sat on her desk and then forced herself to relax. While she wasn't necessarily a territorial person, it still came as a bit of a shock to her at how free of a spirit Rinji was, but also how completely welcome she felt everywhere. It was something she was still growing accustomed to. Not only did she very rarely get guests in her office, even Jeremiah and Jaguar paged her on the telebadge when she was needed, and so to have someone else in the room, especially uninvited, was new.


Her eyes followed the line of the blonde's leg as she mentioned her heels and smiled weakly. "They're pretty. They go really well with your skin tone, too."
 
"Oh, it's a really good idea," Rinji insisted, leaning slightly closer to Bailey to show her earnestness towards what she was saying as she continued to try to convince her. "It's a great idea, so they won't be embarrassed or get in trouble. See, Crane keeps choking List and they don't want to be split up, so this way no one will know because he can't help it and everything. So List can have a warm neck and no one will know, and it will look stylish too. Scarfs should totally come back in style, you know."


She blew off her suggestion to talk to Jaguar, shaking her head and waving one hand dismissively. "Nah, Jag would just say no because she thinks I shouldn't hang out with them that much, I should do files and stuff. But I think it's much more important to talk to everyone. And more fun too."


She grins as Bailey compliments her shoes, eyes brightening as she gives an enthusiastic nod. "They totally do! Not everyone can get away with hot pink but my skin is perfect for it. I'm glad because it's one of the best colors. The only thing I don't really like on me is orange, you have to have really dark skin to pull that off...I think your color is pale blue to go with your eyes. So what are you doing?" she asks, as if the concept of Bailey working in her office during office hours is not one that occurs to her as a possibility. And it isn't.
 
"I said nothing is going to happen to her!" Jack snaps, getting up, her eyes blazing. "If you even think for one second that I would doubt keeping her safe then..." the inmate trails off, looking down at her hands. "Look....I like her okay..." her voice is soft, but when she finally looks up, there's nothing but anger etched on her face. Mostly for admitting her feelings, but more towards the woman who had forced them out.


"But I don't like you..." Jack swallows hard, knowing deep down, she had feelings for this woman too, although right now they balanced on a more sexual nature.


"So I'm keeping her...I'm keeping Rinji safe...but it aint for you..."
 
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