The Atlantic's Jaw

[Imrealk]

Ah, how sarcasm pleases me so.

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

 

[decomposition]

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

 

[Harlan]

I myself love how much I can work with a stimulating post like "She entered the room and sighed, wanting to be alone." This easily sets me up for a nice simple post where I don't interact with the character.

 

[tinymush]

idk why you think replying sarcastically to me is going to get your point across at all.

Blue hues opened up to an unfamiliar ceiling; one of the local inns belonging to a town on the coast of Haiti known as Santo Domingo. This was where the ship had docked for the past two days, and also happened to be the last stop that the captain had used as a means for recruiting before they set off on what he called his 'magnum opus' of journeys.

your last sentence is clunky and poorly worded.

As far as Brent went, however, he really couldn't care less what the overall mission happened to be. To live life by the sea was something that far surpassed the code of pirates alone. Known as a wanted man in the England, Beezy wasn't exactly the type of person who enjoyed sticking around the same area for two long anyway. Typically, he tended to stir up a bit too much of a frenzy wherever he visited.

this chunk of text is really enjoyable to read, but it needs to be revised for grammar mistakes.

When the man attempted to lift his arms up, he found himself hampered in his movements. This was probably due to the weight belonging to both of the naked females who laid beside him, but that was something to be debated.

what does this mean? is there a possibility that hes having trouble lifting his arms because of something else? does he have back problems? a shoulder injury? sore muscles? if this is an attempt at humor or clever writing, it falls short.

When he finally slipped himself out of the middle, the absolutely-nude Beezy, covered from neck-to-toe in tattoos, immediately began getting dressed. The two females hadn't woken up, and that was what Brent was hoping for to begin with.

you've used the word "females" to describe the sleeping women twice in as many paragraphs. word repetition is tiring and uninteresting to read through.

After spending the previous night in a haze of cocaine and alcohol, he couldn't even remember where he found the females,

three times.

but then again he really didn't give a shit about how or what happened. After all, he had places to go and people to see. Fingers grasped the small back of cocaine.

clear plastic packets (i.e. ziploc bags) weren't invented until the 1900s.

The digits belonging to his other hand flicked the bag a couple of times to gather up all the coke that was hiding on the sides of the bag. Then, he dug one of his nails into the plastic and brought it up to his nose, railing the bump.

this is also really clunky and unpleasant to read. "He flicked the bag" would have been much better than "the digits belonging to his other hand flicked the bag".

After getting completely dressed, Brent made sure to flip the hood of his uniform over his head. He fastened the sheaths to his waistline, as well as the holsters of his flintlock pistols to his chest. After making sure that both of the women were still sleeping, hands would go through their clothing as well to grab as much money as he could.

switching tenses in the middle of a post is extremely jarring. "hands would go" sticks out like a sore thumb.

Currency was the name of the game, and Beezy was certainly a winner when it came to acquiring it. Aside from the money, they only thing that Brent left the room he slept in the previous night with was a large jug of rum.

this is also clumsily written. needs revision.

It was purchased by one of the females the previous night. The cocaine? Well, it was his, of course. The man happened to keep a steady supply of the dirtiest drugs he could find in his quarters upon the ship, after all.

cocaine was actually invented/popularized in the 1800s. before then, people chewed coacoa leaves.

Brent didn't always have his hood up over his head. After all, out on the seas, there was no reason to hide his face from his fellow brethren. For now, however, it would stay up until they set sail. The captain made a comment, but he wouldn't see a proper respond to it.

this is well written, and pleasant to read. i still think it should be edited, but it flows very well!

All he would hear from the parted lips of the man would be two of the easiest and most overused words that existed within the pirate slang language. "Aye, Cap'n." Extending his hand to fit into the man's briefly before he went off to great the rest of the crew, Beezy would sit on the railing of the deck. There were no 'chairs' on a pirate ship that were sturdy, after all. The wooden railing certainly was.

there's also good detail here

That was one thing that Brent maintained, a strong sense of loyalty.

this sentence makes no sense when read directly after the previous one. it implies that he maintains a sturdy wooden railing, and the concept of loyalty comes out of nowhere.

Nick Veal was the man who saved his life when it was at the brink of it's end, so obviously Beezy was indebted to the man in such a proper manner - offering his own as a part of his crew. Even if it actually turned out that the man only saved his life because he needed extra muscle in his crew, Brent wouldn't be mad. Each and every day from here on out was because of Nick, solely. Otherwise he would have been fed to the gallows and forgotten just like every other pour soul who was convicted of breaking the law - basic petty crimes to full-fledged homicides. All met the same in this day and age, apparently. All Beezy had been trying to do was fulfill a hit on a government official's head for some hard-earned gold.

this is good background info, but it's reiterated a lot within the paragraph it's introduced and that makes it harder to read through.

The life of a pirate certainly wasn't easy. It made Brent contemplate just why a rich boy like Nick Veal would decide to turn his life upside-down all in the name of what he thought would be some fun. Obviously, this captain probably wasn't surely the most competent on the sea. Luckily enough, Brent knew enough for the both of them. Any which way the captain was bound to need a bit of help, Breezy would be sure to answer the call as best as he could. There wasn't too much that Brent was unaware of when it came to the Caribbean, but just like every man in an age without technology, he sure wasn't the most well-informed to the ever-changing condition of each town which existed in that particular area on the map.

for what it's worth, i think this finishes very strong. i'm looking forward to reading the rest of your posts!

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

By the way, I respond mostly with gifs in OOC, so be prepared.

 

[tinymush]

sorry, i know thats really long!


i enjoy gifs though B)

 

[Imrealk]

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

 

[decomposition]

 

[Imrealk]

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

 

[decomposition]

what exactly was the point of criticizing his post, @tinymush i'm just curious.

 

[Imrealk]

 

[Brax]

@tinymush I'd appreciate your criticism more if you could give us more than just your lazy slop in this RP. You don't even capitalize the correct words most of the time. o_o; I also appreciate how your character had gripped her rifle in a rough manner, only to release it only a post later! The tension is truly mounting, really.

 

[tinymush]

@decomposition i dont appreciate being spoken down to and i think it's really petty to mock another person's writing right in front of them.


i also think he has potential as a writer.

 

[Harlan]

No one is mocking a person's writing, if anything we're mocking effort.

 

[Brax]

It doesn't matter what you think. The point is not to be lazy. Throwing in a one liner, or a paragraph containing a total of five sentences spanned out over three lines, is lazy. You're trying to cherish it.

 

[tinymush]

@Braxnond i would really like it if you pointed out where i havent capitalized the correct words! (not in ooc chat, bc i dont actually care about it here. i mean specifically in my posts)


thank you for pointing out the rifle thing, ill take it into account and learn from it in the future!

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

 

[tinymush]

the rules of this rp specified that there was a 3 line minimum; there was no mention of an expected average

 

[Brax]

"Would you like to board with me?" she asked as she turned and continued walking, though her stride was much more confident than it had been previously.


The 'S' in she. This is one I just randomly picked out. 
Well, guess what @tinymush? One line isn't three.

 

[CharmingCthulhu]

 

[tinymush]

normal practice with quotations is to consider the quote a self-contained element of the sentence. youre confusing the capitalization of the sentence itself with the capitalization of the quote.