Deadkool
A Sad Remnant of a Forgotten Time
Lex, I don't believe we've formally met, you can call me Dead. 9:
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Fandom Star Wars: Grand Theft Star Destroyer
- Thread starter Lexielai
- Start date
Lexielai
Cal Bear
I won't. With Deadgurl around, I'm going to get really confused.Deadkool said:
Deadkool
A Sad Remnant of a Forgotten Time
izayoiix
cяч мε α яıνεя
Deadgurl did come first in our lives
The Suspicious Eye
Your Darling Devil
Which is so weird cuz I knew Deadkool 1st
Deadkool
A Sad Remnant of a Forgotten Time
Heye
izayoiix
cяч мε α яıνεя
Alanyah's core traits don't seem to make much sense at a glance xD
Master Attano
The Watcher
I feel like I might have gone a little overboard with my background.
Lexielai
Cal Bear
Lex is going to go overboard and drown X.X
izayoiix
cяч мε α яıνεя
Lex always goes over board and drowns tho
Master Attano
The Watcher
Phew! finished the Background I think, now I have to do everything else ;P
Lexielai
Cal Bear
[QUOTE="Master Attano]Phew! finished the Background I think, now I have to do everything else ;P
[/QUOTE]
Mine's way longer than I intended it to be -.-
[/QUOTE]
Mine's way longer than I intended it to be -.-
Master Attano
The Watcher
We'll have to compare our definitions of overboard once they're done, I get the feeling your's is going to be more extreme than mine 
Lexielai
Cal Bear
Only three pages this time LOL
Master Attano
The Watcher
I'm not too far behind you actually ;P
izayoiix
cяч мε α яıνεя
Lex you always go overboard
Lexielai
Cal Bear
Atticus Darcy is finished. You can click on the colored blocks in his History to read his background! xD
They're ranked from Light/Rise to Dark/Fall, if you were wondering.
They're ranked from Light/Rise to Dark/Fall, if you were wondering.
izayoiix
cяч мε α яıνεя
*runs to go read*
Master Attano
The Watcher
Our characters are actually quite similar in a number of ways, should make things interesting 
Lexielai
Cal Bear
Pssssh. There may be only one Mr. Darcy > :|
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izayoiix
cяч мε α яıνεя
I still need to tie her personality together in the end xD
So doing that tomorrow when I have energy
So doing that tomorrow when I have energy
Master Attano
The Watcher
Haha don't worry I was thinking more life events than personality
Lexielai
Cal Bear
Given a super quick look on everyone's CS so far. I know you guys have definitely put effort into your CSes, but I want you guys to show me a better version of what you've got now. It's all pretty rough around the edges, but I know you've got solid ideas, so I'll give you a chance to revise them.
@Bullet Tooth Tony Expand on your Characteristics more, get into the real nitty gritty. Explain to me how all the Core Traits you picked show how Horatio is a badass.
@Blarg222 You too! How do your Core Traits translate into HKs programming protocols and behaviors? I know you really want to tie into Tyber stuff, but that ain't really a thing yet. Be original; split away from canon and make up a new story. Galaxy is a big place, y'know. Also, one too many skills.
@Darkangel666 Your images aren't working. Nice that you explained each Core Trait as it came along. For you, try to write more smoothly: you have a lot of dangling and free modifiers applying to each of your clauses that draw it out and make it confusing in my opinion. In short, don't put so many thoughts separated by commas in one sentence. Try ending your sentences quicker to make your point clearer. In my opinion, of course.
@Greg2344 Heya, you've got lots of good stuff here too. For you, work on correcting your grammar. You have a whole TON of comma splices or run-on sentences. Three quick additional tips:
1) Proper nouns, like Jedi, Tatooine, or Mandalorian, should be capitalized.
2) Numbers should be spelled out, like ten rather than 10.
3) Finish your thoughts with periods rather than commas. This way you'll have a lot of short sentences, which while a bit abrupt, is less confusing than endless modifiers and clauses.
@Deadkool Love the quotes from his POV. Not enough details; I read these to judge how creative of a player you are and how good of a writer you are. The latter I have few problems with, but with the former it looks like you haven't got much. Explain to me with DETAIL! Show me you know Jerrick inside out.
@Bullet Tooth Tony Expand on your Characteristics more, get into the real nitty gritty. Explain to me how all the Core Traits you picked show how Horatio is a badass.
@Blarg222 You too! How do your Core Traits translate into HKs programming protocols and behaviors? I know you really want to tie into Tyber stuff, but that ain't really a thing yet. Be original; split away from canon and make up a new story. Galaxy is a big place, y'know. Also, one too many skills.
@Darkangel666 Your images aren't working. Nice that you explained each Core Trait as it came along. For you, try to write more smoothly: you have a lot of dangling and free modifiers applying to each of your clauses that draw it out and make it confusing in my opinion. In short, don't put so many thoughts separated by commas in one sentence. Try ending your sentences quicker to make your point clearer. In my opinion, of course.
@Greg2344 Heya, you've got lots of good stuff here too. For you, work on correcting your grammar. You have a whole TON of comma splices or run-on sentences. Three quick additional tips:
1) Proper nouns, like Jedi, Tatooine, or Mandalorian, should be capitalized.
2) Numbers should be spelled out, like ten rather than 10.
3) Finish your thoughts with periods rather than commas. This way you'll have a lot of short sentences, which while a bit abrupt, is less confusing than endless modifiers and clauses.
@Deadkool Love the quotes from his POV. Not enough details; I read these to judge how creative of a player you are and how good of a writer you are. The latter I have few problems with, but with the former it looks like you haven't got much. Explain to me with DETAIL! Show me you know Jerrick inside out.
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Blarg222
I was such a Paragon!
@Lexielai Thanks for the feedback though I don't really know how to expand the story very much. I really wanted mine to be an HK series droid and I can't really do that without bringing in canon and I feel like without the Tyber and Confederacy my final quarter of my Bio would be too general. Since I can't really make him a lone wanderer without making him seem like a serial killer. If you have any suggestions for this could you PM me?
Wintermute
Cyber-cowboy
@Lexielai Thanks so much for the feedback. I will try to fix the image not working because that was some strange business I did with that. I'll also try to take your advice and write more smoothly and make it less confusing.
EDIT: Image should be working now. As I said, I had done something really, really strange with attachments because they were being all funky
EDIT: Image should be working now. As I said, I had done something really, really strange with attachments because they were being all funky
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