Syntra
Baba Yaga
...pies. Fucking pies. Like, seriously? What were they going to try and scare her with next, donuts? Donuts that - le gasp! - weren't sweet enough? Oooh, Thea was shaking in her boots, alright. Please, please, anything but villainous villainous pastry! That was her fucking Achilles' left heel, as all the cool kids said. (Privately, though? She had to admit that there was something unsettling about this set-up, after all. Not to the extent of a deranged zombie chasing them across the cemetery, or an equally deranged teacher advocating against lying, but just... slightly odd, you know? The same 'wait, what the fuck' type of feeling you got when you had been looking for your keys for hours and finally discovered them on the fucking table-- and you were like 95% sure you'd looked there before because duh, what kind of maniac wouldn't check the most obvious spot ever. ...except that, for the sake of making the analogy more accurate, imagine that instead of them being on the table, a faceless bastard emerged out of nowhere and handed them to you. So yeah, maybe it wasn't quite like that! ...piss off. Metaphors were hard, okay? And since nobody was paying Thea anything for inventing hers, she could get as creative with them as she liked. Yup, creative. That was the word dumbasses who had no idea what they were doing used to mask their own incompetence, right? Great camouflage, ten out of ten!)
Speaking of camouflage, though? Thea's was perfect, really-- despite the sense of dread slowly expanding in her chest, she managed to look about as unimpressed as humanly possible. "Mandatory pies? What kind of totalitarian regime is that?" she whispered in Clara's ear. "Like, not to downplay the horrors of pie tyranny, but it doesn't seem that bad. Not in comparison with, say, the guillotine. Or being drowned." Not that you couldn't torture people with food, mind you-- Thea's middle school cafeteria had gotten dangerously close to that, with steaks so tough you could probably break someone's skull if you were to use them as a boomerang, or soups that all doubled as laxatives. (In the light of this revelation, could you blame her for playing truant at the time? Just, c'mon. Not only had she been trying to protect her dignity, but also her very life! The cooks could have snapped at any time, and started trying to add unruly students into their culinary experiments. Would you truly trust anyone deranged enough to not only add pineapple on pizza, but to pair it with fucking tuna? Yeah, exactly.)
'Out of peach,' one of the voices in her head practically sang, in this annoying, nasal voice, 'out of peach, you'll get beech!' ...which, what? Not to flaunt her oh so impressive education, buuut didn't you usually get peach trees from peaches? It seemed like one of those axiomatic statements, such as 'water is wet' and 'math classes suck'. So, again, what the fuck? (Maybe Thea should make a convenient little sign with that question and just wear it like a necklace, or something. In this bullshitty parody for actual school, it would save her a lot of breath!)
...ah, okay. Clara's comments kinda contextualized it, though not really in a way that would actually be useful-- nooo, that would have been too fucking boring, apparently. Instead, the stupid voices that lived rent-free in their heads provided """clues""" with all the usefulness of wet toilet paper. Like, thank you very much, mysterious mentor! This vitally important info sure would have come in handy had they not needed a team of top-notch cryptologist to figure out what the hell it meant in the first place. No worries, though! It wasn't like Thea had planned to live past her 24th birthday or anything, really. With the climate change fucking the Earth up so badly, dying was actually just a blessing in disguise.
"Wanna hear more insane ramblings? If so, you're in luck. You see, my voices told me what happens when we pick the peach. We're supposed... to get a beech? Look," she shrugged, "don't question it. Or like, you can, but it'll be like barking at a cat and hoping it'll fucking bark back. None of this makes any sense, so I'm not gonna pretend it does."
...still, beeches were pretty harmless, weren't they? Some particularly villainous specimen had snatched people's wigs, yeah, and Thea was also pretty sure a lot of lumberjacks died every year shortly after discovering why it was so important to estimate trajectories of falling trees carefully, but c'mon. That was all just self-defense! In general, trees were bros-- they made oxygen for the rest of the planet, and the biggest bros of them all even produced delicious, delicious fruit. So, what could possibly go wrong with this choice? (In hindsight, that line of thought should have served as a warning. It didn't, though, and so Thea got to enjoy her sweet, sweet ignorance for a while longer.)
"I mean, peach doesn't sound that tragic? Better than snapping and fear, anyway. Not sure about you, but I've made my choice."
Confidently, she rose from her chair-- no point in prolonging this bullshit, right?
"Which one will it be, Miss?" one of those faceless freaks smiled.
"A slice of peach pie, please."
"Oh, peach, peach, peach. Want to take the easy way out, huh? Do you think the coward's path will lead to happiness, Dorothea?"
Instantly, a frown settled on her lips. "First of all, it's Thea, thank you very much. And like, what's the point of even giving me a choice if you're gonna criticize it? Either let me pick the flavor in peace or shove whatever you want me to eat down my fucking throat. Okay?"
"...the one who rejects advice deserves it not," the cook remarked, which, boo fucking hoo. Not accepting advice from people who didn't even have the decency to wear their fucking faces only seemed wise to Thea, really!
So, without hesitation, she reached for a piece of the peach pie. Nothing could go wrong with that, right? Except that then, then there was a loud crack-- as loud as if the floor itself was being torn apart, or maybe the planet's core, really, but that... wasn't what was happening. No, the sounds were coming from the pie! It shook and vibrated, full of this explosive energy, and afterwards? A fucking tree sprouted from it, as tall as if it had been growing for hundreds of years. Wow, okay. Okay, why not!
"A beech!" the cook exclaimed. "How exciting. Now, everyone knows what a beech means. Don't you, children?" All the faceless heads nodded in unison, as if they'd asked them to solve the 1 + 1 = ? equation.
"Climb it and bring us a fresh peach, girls, or face death. Surely, you understand? We do need more peaches in order to bake another batch of pies, after all. If you don't deliver, we'll have to make them from your flesh."
Speaking of camouflage, though? Thea's was perfect, really-- despite the sense of dread slowly expanding in her chest, she managed to look about as unimpressed as humanly possible. "Mandatory pies? What kind of totalitarian regime is that?" she whispered in Clara's ear. "Like, not to downplay the horrors of pie tyranny, but it doesn't seem that bad. Not in comparison with, say, the guillotine. Or being drowned." Not that you couldn't torture people with food, mind you-- Thea's middle school cafeteria had gotten dangerously close to that, with steaks so tough you could probably break someone's skull if you were to use them as a boomerang, or soups that all doubled as laxatives. (In the light of this revelation, could you blame her for playing truant at the time? Just, c'mon. Not only had she been trying to protect her dignity, but also her very life! The cooks could have snapped at any time, and started trying to add unruly students into their culinary experiments. Would you truly trust anyone deranged enough to not only add pineapple on pizza, but to pair it with fucking tuna? Yeah, exactly.)
'Out of peach,' one of the voices in her head practically sang, in this annoying, nasal voice, 'out of peach, you'll get beech!' ...which, what? Not to flaunt her oh so impressive education, buuut didn't you usually get peach trees from peaches? It seemed like one of those axiomatic statements, such as 'water is wet' and 'math classes suck'. So, again, what the fuck? (Maybe Thea should make a convenient little sign with that question and just wear it like a necklace, or something. In this bullshitty parody for actual school, it would save her a lot of breath!)
...ah, okay. Clara's comments kinda contextualized it, though not really in a way that would actually be useful-- nooo, that would have been too fucking boring, apparently. Instead, the stupid voices that lived rent-free in their heads provided """clues""" with all the usefulness of wet toilet paper. Like, thank you very much, mysterious mentor! This vitally important info sure would have come in handy had they not needed a team of top-notch cryptologist to figure out what the hell it meant in the first place. No worries, though! It wasn't like Thea had planned to live past her 24th birthday or anything, really. With the climate change fucking the Earth up so badly, dying was actually just a blessing in disguise.
"Wanna hear more insane ramblings? If so, you're in luck. You see, my voices told me what happens when we pick the peach. We're supposed... to get a beech? Look," she shrugged, "don't question it. Or like, you can, but it'll be like barking at a cat and hoping it'll fucking bark back. None of this makes any sense, so I'm not gonna pretend it does."
...still, beeches were pretty harmless, weren't they? Some particularly villainous specimen had snatched people's wigs, yeah, and Thea was also pretty sure a lot of lumberjacks died every year shortly after discovering why it was so important to estimate trajectories of falling trees carefully, but c'mon. That was all just self-defense! In general, trees were bros-- they made oxygen for the rest of the planet, and the biggest bros of them all even produced delicious, delicious fruit. So, what could possibly go wrong with this choice? (In hindsight, that line of thought should have served as a warning. It didn't, though, and so Thea got to enjoy her sweet, sweet ignorance for a while longer.)
"I mean, peach doesn't sound that tragic? Better than snapping and fear, anyway. Not sure about you, but I've made my choice."
Confidently, she rose from her chair-- no point in prolonging this bullshit, right?
"Which one will it be, Miss?" one of those faceless freaks smiled.
"A slice of peach pie, please."
"Oh, peach, peach, peach. Want to take the easy way out, huh? Do you think the coward's path will lead to happiness, Dorothea?"
Instantly, a frown settled on her lips. "First of all, it's Thea, thank you very much. And like, what's the point of even giving me a choice if you're gonna criticize it? Either let me pick the flavor in peace or shove whatever you want me to eat down my fucking throat. Okay?"
"...the one who rejects advice deserves it not," the cook remarked, which, boo fucking hoo. Not accepting advice from people who didn't even have the decency to wear their fucking faces only seemed wise to Thea, really!
So, without hesitation, she reached for a piece of the peach pie. Nothing could go wrong with that, right? Except that then, then there was a loud crack-- as loud as if the floor itself was being torn apart, or maybe the planet's core, really, but that... wasn't what was happening. No, the sounds were coming from the pie! It shook and vibrated, full of this explosive energy, and afterwards? A fucking tree sprouted from it, as tall as if it had been growing for hundreds of years. Wow, okay. Okay, why not!
"A beech!" the cook exclaimed. "How exciting. Now, everyone knows what a beech means. Don't you, children?" All the faceless heads nodded in unison, as if they'd asked them to solve the 1 + 1 = ? equation.
"Climb it and bring us a fresh peach, girls, or face death. Surely, you understand? We do need more peaches in order to bake another batch of pies, after all. If you don't deliver, we'll have to make them from your flesh."