Syntra
Baba Yaga
A note to self: Clara is a fucking cuteness fanatic. Just, the face that she made upon seeing her Pikachu spawn? Thea wanted to see it again and again and again, and already, she was planning to incorporate this knowledge into her gift-buying strategy. Mwhahaha! Her gf (!!!) would stand no chance before all the fluffy critters she would get for birthdays, Christmases, and, uh, randomly, just for being Clara in general. Right. Such was the definition of the gf duty, and Thea did not mean to fail. She would totally break the world record in-- wait, what??? Was her authority as a video game master being questioned? The scandal! The audacity! …not. Who did you think she was, a thirty-year-old incel whose only accomplishment was finishing his Dark Souls broken sword run with one arm tied behind his back? Yeeeah, that kind of rage only ever came to those types! (Normal people, instead, saw opportunities. New paths to enlightenment. Such as, for example…) “Alas, I have failed,” Thea announced dramatically, placing her hand on her heart. “Now I’m fated to spend the rest of my life wallowing in the depths of ignorance. Unless, of course, I manage to find a hot teacher who would be willing to show me the ropes. Whaddya say, Clara? You happen to know someone like that?”
If Lizzie’s glares could kill, Clara would surely be dead on the floor by now. “Ugh! Enjoy your last moments with that pathetic weirdo, I guess. You won’t even have the time to think about her when you’re with me.”
“Uhhh… you do realize I won’t fucking go with you even if you do win, right?” Thea raised her eyebrow. “I hate to break it to you, Lizzie, but people aren’t fucking Pokémon. You can’t just throw that thingy at me and act like I belong to you now.” That shit might have been sorta cute when they’d been children, but the ConnotationsTM hit different now. Yeah, yeah, Lizzie might have grown up not to be a creepy fucking stalker-- hell, she probably would have, since most kids dropped the sociopathy-lite the second they upgraded their empathy. Just brain development things, she guessed. Still, was she required to coddle this type of bullshit just because she might not have been that bad had they not killed her off? Nuh uh, not how this shit worked! Being fucking dead did not grant you any get-out-of-jail-free cards. Like, did their crimes become any less heinous just because they’d had the tendency to kick the fucking bucket? No? Then fuck right off!
As usual, however? Lizzie didn’t let her delusions be impeded by something as insignificant as, you know, the actual goddamn reality. “Meh,” she waved her hand, as if to imply that Thea’s opinion wasn’t actually important. After all, she was the resident Thea expert here! “I’ll forgive you because you don’t know what you’re saying. Once you witness my Pokémon prowess, you won’t want to be with someone that boring, anyway.” Blah blah blah, yeah, sure. The girl was fucking hopeless, and Thea chose to shut up for once because she figured some good ol’ humiliation would get to her quicker than actual words would have. (And, for the record? Clara totally was cool. Fucking cool, even. Thea might not have known that she needed this exact type of gf care, but it was hitting allll the right notes. Whew! Too bad that this adventure was strictly G-rated.)
To say that Thea was watching on the edge of her seat would have been a fucking lie, and for multiple reasons. Reason number 1: The bastards hadn’t even bothered to provide a chair. Reason number 2: Lizzie had a snowball in hell’s chance of winning, judging solely by that cheap villain-tier speech at the beginning. Just, when would the bastards learn? If you insisted on gloating, you ought to do it after you’d won already! Tempting fate like that was a no-no, and everyone with at least one functioning brain hemisphere knew. So, when Lizzie was thoroughly trounced, to nobody’s fucking surprise? Thea didn’t even bother feigning shock. “Go, Clara! Go, Marill! I expected nothing else from the champions of my heart!” she yelled, striking the universal victory pose. (A cheerleader attire would have been better for that, Thea knew, but like, you couldn’t fucking have everything. In fact, she’d gotten used to them having absolutely nothing in the Nightmarish Dimensions of Fuckery, so this was a significant upgrade. Maybe, uh, later? In a different, much more private setting. Haha.)
“Be your own knight, kid,” she recommended to the wailing Lizzie. “That way, you’ll get to disappoint yourself instead of fucking relying on others for that. A much more efficient system, if you ask me.” Very uplifting, much wow. With an approach like this, Thea could have become one of those know-it-all self-help book fuckers! You know, had she had no dignity and the personality of a rotten fucking potato.
…was it weird that she thought this was kind of wholesome? Like, seeing Ian, whose entire philosophy was ‘I’m too cool for this bullshit’, get this excited over a Pokémon battle? Maybe her standards were getting too fucking low, but in Thea’s book, this did count. “If I think so? I fucking know it, dude. Prepare to taste your inglorious defeat!” The Pikachu, apparently riding on the same hype wavelength, flicked its tail.
“Pika, Pika!”
With that warcry, it stumbled its way to the arena.
“Really, Thea?” Ian raised his eyebrow. “That’s what we call a basic bitch choice.”
“It’s what we call a classic, and it’s a fucking classic for a reason.”
The boy fumbled around in his pockets, only to pull out… yeah, a Pokéball. Not much of a surprise there. What kind of critter was hiding inside, though? The true mystery, and it was going to be revealed soon. “I choose you, Vulpix!” (Oh, fucking hell. A Vulpix? Clara was probably dying of cuteness overload there, and having to focus on the battle instead was fucking killing her inside. Just!!! Why hadn’t she brought a fucking camera? Moments like these deserved to be immortalized, Thea just knew that.)
“Vulpix,” Ian shouted, raising his fist high into the air. “Show them who’s the boss around here. Use Flamethrower!”
Ooookay, wait a fucking sec. Did a cute doggo like that have a weapon permit? And, did it have dimension-sized secret pockets? Because Thea genuinely didn’t understand where that Vulpix’s flamethrower could be hidi--
Ah. Another fucking mystery solved, she guessed. The authors had just been a little creative with the attack name, ‘cause she would have called it something like ‘fire stream’. The part that Thea did not fucking enjoy, though? That he had set her Pikachu on fire! The cutie let out a pained scream, and that fucking made her see red. What kind of animal abuse bullshit was that, huh?! It had been fun to watch back when she’d been a kid, but seeing it unfold in its photorealistic glory made it obvious that this was, like, slightly more family friendly cockfighting. Fucking deplorable.
Ian, meanwhile, gave her one of his insufferable smirks. “Want to give up? It’s obvious that your Pikachu has received no training.”
“That may be true,” Thea’s eyes blazed, “but my fists did!”
“Wait, what the… that’s against the rules, Thea!”
And, if he listened hard enough, he might have heard the faint echo of her not giving a single flying fuck. Of course, he also may have deduced that from the way she lunged at him. “Viva la revolución, bitches! For the dignified working conditions of all the Pokémon!”
If Lizzie’s glares could kill, Clara would surely be dead on the floor by now. “Ugh! Enjoy your last moments with that pathetic weirdo, I guess. You won’t even have the time to think about her when you’re with me.”
“Uhhh… you do realize I won’t fucking go with you even if you do win, right?” Thea raised her eyebrow. “I hate to break it to you, Lizzie, but people aren’t fucking Pokémon. You can’t just throw that thingy at me and act like I belong to you now.” That shit might have been sorta cute when they’d been children, but the ConnotationsTM hit different now. Yeah, yeah, Lizzie might have grown up not to be a creepy fucking stalker-- hell, she probably would have, since most kids dropped the sociopathy-lite the second they upgraded their empathy. Just brain development things, she guessed. Still, was she required to coddle this type of bullshit just because she might not have been that bad had they not killed her off? Nuh uh, not how this shit worked! Being fucking dead did not grant you any get-out-of-jail-free cards. Like, did their crimes become any less heinous just because they’d had the tendency to kick the fucking bucket? No? Then fuck right off!
As usual, however? Lizzie didn’t let her delusions be impeded by something as insignificant as, you know, the actual goddamn reality. “Meh,” she waved her hand, as if to imply that Thea’s opinion wasn’t actually important. After all, she was the resident Thea expert here! “I’ll forgive you because you don’t know what you’re saying. Once you witness my Pokémon prowess, you won’t want to be with someone that boring, anyway.” Blah blah blah, yeah, sure. The girl was fucking hopeless, and Thea chose to shut up for once because she figured some good ol’ humiliation would get to her quicker than actual words would have. (And, for the record? Clara totally was cool. Fucking cool, even. Thea might not have known that she needed this exact type of gf care, but it was hitting allll the right notes. Whew! Too bad that this adventure was strictly G-rated.)
To say that Thea was watching on the edge of her seat would have been a fucking lie, and for multiple reasons. Reason number 1: The bastards hadn’t even bothered to provide a chair. Reason number 2: Lizzie had a snowball in hell’s chance of winning, judging solely by that cheap villain-tier speech at the beginning. Just, when would the bastards learn? If you insisted on gloating, you ought to do it after you’d won already! Tempting fate like that was a no-no, and everyone with at least one functioning brain hemisphere knew. So, when Lizzie was thoroughly trounced, to nobody’s fucking surprise? Thea didn’t even bother feigning shock. “Go, Clara! Go, Marill! I expected nothing else from the champions of my heart!” she yelled, striking the universal victory pose. (A cheerleader attire would have been better for that, Thea knew, but like, you couldn’t fucking have everything. In fact, she’d gotten used to them having absolutely nothing in the Nightmarish Dimensions of Fuckery, so this was a significant upgrade. Maybe, uh, later? In a different, much more private setting. Haha.)
“Be your own knight, kid,” she recommended to the wailing Lizzie. “That way, you’ll get to disappoint yourself instead of fucking relying on others for that. A much more efficient system, if you ask me.” Very uplifting, much wow. With an approach like this, Thea could have become one of those know-it-all self-help book fuckers! You know, had she had no dignity and the personality of a rotten fucking potato.
…was it weird that she thought this was kind of wholesome? Like, seeing Ian, whose entire philosophy was ‘I’m too cool for this bullshit’, get this excited over a Pokémon battle? Maybe her standards were getting too fucking low, but in Thea’s book, this did count. “If I think so? I fucking know it, dude. Prepare to taste your inglorious defeat!” The Pikachu, apparently riding on the same hype wavelength, flicked its tail.
“Pika, Pika!”
With that warcry, it stumbled its way to the arena.
“Really, Thea?” Ian raised his eyebrow. “That’s what we call a basic bitch choice.”
“It’s what we call a classic, and it’s a fucking classic for a reason.”
The boy fumbled around in his pockets, only to pull out… yeah, a Pokéball. Not much of a surprise there. What kind of critter was hiding inside, though? The true mystery, and it was going to be revealed soon. “I choose you, Vulpix!” (Oh, fucking hell. A Vulpix? Clara was probably dying of cuteness overload there, and having to focus on the battle instead was fucking killing her inside. Just!!! Why hadn’t she brought a fucking camera? Moments like these deserved to be immortalized, Thea just knew that.)
“Vulpix,” Ian shouted, raising his fist high into the air. “Show them who’s the boss around here. Use Flamethrower!”
Ooookay, wait a fucking sec. Did a cute doggo like that have a weapon permit? And, did it have dimension-sized secret pockets? Because Thea genuinely didn’t understand where that Vulpix’s flamethrower could be hidi--
Ah. Another fucking mystery solved, she guessed. The authors had just been a little creative with the attack name, ‘cause she would have called it something like ‘fire stream’. The part that Thea did not fucking enjoy, though? That he had set her Pikachu on fire! The cutie let out a pained scream, and that fucking made her see red. What kind of animal abuse bullshit was that, huh?! It had been fun to watch back when she’d been a kid, but seeing it unfold in its photorealistic glory made it obvious that this was, like, slightly more family friendly cockfighting. Fucking deplorable.
Ian, meanwhile, gave her one of his insufferable smirks. “Want to give up? It’s obvious that your Pikachu has received no training.”
“That may be true,” Thea’s eyes blazed, “but my fists did!”
“Wait, what the… that’s against the rules, Thea!”
And, if he listened hard enough, he might have heard the faint echo of her not giving a single flying fuck. Of course, he also may have deduced that from the way she lunged at him. “Viva la revolución, bitches! For the dignified working conditions of all the Pokémon!”