Looking for critics

[Atom]

Titles legit.


I've got some stories I've been working on that I'm gonna post here.


I'd like a bit of critiquing. I gave em to my honors English teacher for the same reason.


She hasn't read them yet >_>


Anyways I'll post them soon I've got to get them from my iPad to my phone.

 

[Reiyumi]

I can try, but I'm not sure about my critiquing abilities. >.>

 

[Atom]

Hah


Don't worry


It's all a ruse


I'm really just looking for some positive feedback to get my mind churning into continuing these stories lol

 

[Reiyumi]

Mm, okay. I will try to help.

 

[Atom]

Story 1


RAVENS GALE


The night was silent, the light of the moon dimmed behind the dark masses of the clouds. The darkness cloaked the streets with its own coldness and shutters were closed to bar out such coldness, not a light remained glowing in the buildings along the street. The street appeared empty and peaceful until the moon broke from its cloudy curtains, the light casting a moving shadow as something slithered along the roof tops, sticking low and moving fast.


Raticon moved fast, and then faster as the moon broke, destroying the cover of shadows he had previously relied on. No matter, as he was almost at his destination and people feared the night too much to cast a glance towards the dusty streets to see the movement of his shadow. The building ahead loomed above him, casting its own shadow across him and the street as he neared. The royal treasury loomed ahead, the daunting walls casting shadows across that which lay beneath it.


The top of the walls were adorned with little lanterns of aura, the magical essence of the world, their light shining outwards to illuminate the surroundings of the upper wall for the guardsmen who circled in a timely patrol that left no opening for a regular thief. Luckily Raticon was no regular thief. He stepped forward to the wall, attaching two hooks to his wrists and a spike to each toe as he began his ascent, moving as slow as he could manage without taking too much time. He gradually neared the lights and stopped, concentrating as he summoned the power of his own aura to adopt the look of his surroundings.


Raticon took a hesitant breath and reached one hand forward into the light. With a sigh of relief he watched as his hand seemed to meld with the rock and blend in, making him unseeable unless one were to look directly at him with the knowledge he was there. He continued his ascent slower this time, though he was invisible in essence he could still make noise and alert the guards. He eventually crested the top and stuck to the side of the wall, waiting for both guards to pass before dropping over the lip to settle in the shadows directly beneath the light.


Raticon took a moment to catch his breath from the climb, taking quiet deep breaths until his body regained its calm but charged potential. The guards crossed once more and Raticon moved, twisting between the two without a sound and dropping down the other side of the wall quickly, hooking the lip as he stuck his toe spikes into footholds and slithered out of sight.


He made his way down the wall as fast as he could without compromising his cover in the silent shadows. The ground slowly came beneath his feet and he peeled from the wall, the actual treasery looming before him, the courtyard darkened. With such defense along the wall the guardsmen saw no reason to guard the courtyard below. Raticon strode across the open ground like a king, grinning as he made it across un-apposed and slipped into the main building.


Inside the room was awash with light, but off the center of the room shadows still laid in silence. Raticon drifted over quietly, melting into the shadows. He slowly preceded through the building, passing guards here and there but not a one caught sight of him. It was almost like he wasn't even there, melting into the shadows along the walls as if he was a part of them himself. He moved deeper into the compound, where the light only grew dimmer, and the shadows deeper, until he came across a room. This room, like others, was simple, and not near as grand as the main treasury's holding chamber.


Inside was naught but a few crates holding things that the treasury staff deemed of poor wealth. But within one of these crates something drew Raticon, urging him onward as he walked to a crate near the back wall. He stared at it a moment, slowly pulling a dagger loose from his belt and prying off the lid. Inside, nestled in a pile of hay, lay a small black object. The object was sleek and black, and harnessed on the back side to be worn like a pack. The sides each had a line down them, as if they came out, but as evident by it's location a way to make it reveal it's secrets had not been found.


Raticon picked it up with a grin, replacing it on his back without hesitation as he relished in the return of his stolen property. Raticon released a short burst of sound, triggering a magical keynote within the back and it opened, expanding outwards into a large pair of glider like wings. "My wings..." he mused, reaching round to run his fingers along their fabric. "The wings of the Raven..." He mused.


The next part of Raticons plan was simple. He needed as many guards after him that he could manage. Ad the biggest spectacle he could create. Raticon swept from the room just as a patrol rounded the corner.


"Halt!" the lead guard shouted as he took off down the hall towards him, the others in tow. Raticon grinned and ran the opposite direction. Picturing the buildings floor plan he took a corner hallway to a set of stairs. Halfway up a burst of noise signaled the alarm. Soon the whole building would be on him. Perfect.


Raticon ran at full speed along the stairs, leaping the guards who came down to stop him. By the time he reached the higher floors nearly have the active force was after him, barely behind him. Raticon leapt the last portion of the stairs and slammed the door open. The roof was filled with guards waiting for him, cutting off each exit. Except the edge of the roof. They still had no clue who he was. Raticon grinned and ducked down as he put on a burst of speed towards the edge. The guards quickly shouted with realization and tried to cut him off but it was too late. Raticon planted his foot on the edge and shoved himself off, the wall below rising to meet him as he triggered the keynote and they expanded and swept him into the air in a large arc.


The men watched in awe and one even muttered The Raven, but it was moments before they gained the sense to ring the bell. A man quickly began to ring out a signal to the city garrison. The Raven. East side. Moving for edge. A distant ring came back as conformation for the signals recievance and across the city the garrison mobilized as Raticon moved that way, sweeping low across the ground before planting his feet and folding the wings back as he continued at a dead run.


He proceeded through the city mostly undeterred the closer he got to the east end. And even now doors opened and people stared in awe as he ran by. The Raven many muttered in awe and fear as he passed them. He quickly turned the east end main street and halted as a large garrison of soldiers emptied to the street in a defensive form to halt him.


Raticon eyed the soldiers for a few seconds, his mind compiling a route to exploit their every weakness. With a sudden burst of energy Raticon ran towards them. The soldiers leveled spears his way as he ran and he quickly cut right towards a building along the street. He quickly hooked a sign hanging and launched himself upward, wings unfurling as he swooped down and cut over the top of the soldiers front. He quickly arced up onto the rooftops across the street and took off again at a dead run.


He ran fast and low, bobbing and weaving to avoid the arrows fired from the soldiers in the street. He ran watched as the distance from him to the edge slowly closed, preparing to jump as he got closer. The soldiers scrambled to get on the roofs and stop him but unable as he reached the edge and jumped into the open sky. Below him the land dropped away to a thin point before the open air lay between land and the water far below.


Raticon whooped with joy at the success of his mission and the return of his wings, free-falling until he passed the bottom of the floating island of Deschire, the royal city populating it. He grinned as he released a quick sound and the wings flashed open even larger in the open air. He arced upwards with them, the air blasting past as he and his wings carved a path through the night. He twisted and flipped in the air, filled with joy at the sensation of flight. He slowed his flight after a bit and arced right, making way for the slum island of Tragon, long since lost from Deschire, freed by an army of bandits and wealthy outlaws whose hearts lay with its poor and sickly inhabitants. It was now a stronghold for a group of men that fought against Deschire for true freedom and also his home. The Ravens nest.

 

[Atom]

Story 2


The Blight


The cold bite of the air welcomed many of those who awoke that morning in the small border camp. Outside the fog hung heavily over the dark green luminescent crystals spiking through the ground, throwing an eerie light throughout the heavy fog. Dark clouds hung over the area like a blanket, always thundering and threatening to dump a downpour but never doing so. Rain never fell in the crystallized borders. The evil at its core had many strange effects, one being the halting of the rain. No matter how large he clouds became, or how much the sky wanted to open up, it never would.


Dark powers were at work here, it's source deep in the crystal fields at their center, a dark entity, the Lich King. It's been a few months now since his arrival in the far north and drastic changes had been witnessed. His malicious power effected the land greatly, spreading beneath the rock and dirt in the form of crystals, fountains from which his power could spread and create monstrosities, his minions of expansion and destruction. The crystals were constantly growing, and it was only because of our camps sanctifiers that this territory was not yet consumed by the blight.


A distant horn sounded and I froze, listening for a second or third hoot, as were most of those on the wall with me. No other hoot was made and all of us audibly relaxed. One blow of the horn meant friendlies, two blows meant incoming attack, and three was the call for a full on advance or worse. All of us dreaded hearing three blows, but thankfully it had not happened before and hopefully would not happen soon.


"Scouts returning.." Someone along the wall spoke up and I twisted my head to the side, looking for the source of the voice. Jack, a fresh recruit, no wonder he was stating the obvious.


"What made that obvious? Perhaps the blow of the horn or the timing of their return that just so happens to be after they left and were out for the usual a time?" Another asked, his voice tinged with sarcasm. Chuckles broke out along the men on the wall and Jack hung his head, a bit embarrassed.


"Eyes front." I cut in, the authority in my voice causing the silence that spread along the wall as they all redirected their gaze forward. Out in no mans land, the area between wall and crystal field, the scout part was crossing. They looked worn and ragged, tired from another night out in the crystals.


"Mornin' gentlemen." A voice behind me called. I turned, seeking the source. Behind me a group of men looking well rested and led by Evans arrived. Duty rotation at last. "Well, I'm sure you gents could use some rest, you may take your leave on Larks command." He said, motioning to me.


"Detail. Attention!" I called, the men along the wall snapping into position. "Detail. Dismissed!" I finished. With groans of relief each man relaxed, some sagging, others stretching, but soon all of them melted away down the ramps. "The post is yours Evans." I said, turning to face him.


"Thank you." He said with a nod, calling out a string of orders to his waiting men. I stepped to the side and began my descent down the ramp, rubbing my own cramped and sore neck from a nights watch.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The mess hall was packed, full of the night rotation as well as those preparing for a day's work on the camp. The clinking of dishes filled my ears as I approached the line, squeezing between a few guys that were just standing around. I followed along the line to the grub counter where the kitchen cooks stood ready to hand out portions to each persons tray.


A large grey glob of something hit my tray with a wet thud. "What is that..?" I asked, eyes it warily.


"Goulash." The man replied simply, offering no explanation. I groaned in annoyance and proceeded down the line until I had all I needed. I stood for a moment, eyeing the tables for a spot to sit before I noticed someone waving me over. Corporal Bower, new arrival, yet to see any real battle. I hesitated walking over before sighing and proceeding.


"Ey, Ranger, what's the news on the scout party?" Bower asked as I approached.


"Not sure yet, I've yet to speak with them." I replied, taking a seat and beginning to eat my food. "Ugh, this tastes horrible." I grumbled between a mouthful. The others at the table mumbled their agreement, though they all continued to swallow it down. That's how things were in the camp, nothing wasted. Food could be scarce along the crystal borders.


"So no news at all?" Bower asked.


"I told you I haven't spoken to them yet." I grunted with a scowl. Bower was too talkative, too curious. He'd yet to see battle here, he wasn't hardened like the others.


"Owl!" Someone called. I turned my head to the side, searching for the source. Another Ranger approached, his long bow slung over his shoulder and his quiver to his side, an assortment of gear dotting his armor.


"What is it Cardinal?" I grunted. Cardinal, Owl, all the Rangers took bird names over their original, a symbolic way of showing the Rangers ties between humanity, nature, and magic.


"Scouting party's back, you've been requested at the command tent before you take your rest." He replied, motioning backwards with a tilt of his head.


"Aye, I'll be there then." I replied with a nod, standing from the table with a nod to those still sitting. I left my tray, when you're ordered to the command tent you don't take time for other things, and began following Cardinal to the tent.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The meeting was short, no Rangers were assigned to the scouting party so commonly on their return they would meet with the three Rangers based in the camp for guidance. It was usually information they sought on what they had discovered on that outing. And as usual the Rangers provided what we could and were on our way.


I finally returned to my tent, removing the majority of my gear and hanging it in the appropriate place. My small tent was alongside the other Rangers tents and I could hear them preparing for their own rest. All three of us served night watch along the walls due to our excellent ability to see in the dark and aim just as well as in daylight with a bow. Let alone the fact that we could shoot a marker shot into a target. The shot would flare up and paint the target for the other wall archers, so each wall facing the crystal fields had a Ranger.


I was soon ready to sleep and recuperate the energy from the nights watch, already laying into my cot. As soon as my eyes closed I heard it.


Froooooooooooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmm


A long blow on the horn. I remained as I was for a moment, ears perked. I knew what was coming though, but it wasn't my problem. Rangers were not required in daytime defenses unless it was a three horn.


Froooooooooooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmm


My eyes were closed after the sound ended, the sound of armor jangling and weapons being drawn as soldiers prepared. Looking back on the moment I could swear there was an audible moment of silence before it came.


Froooooooooooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmm


My eyes slammed open and I was moving before I fully realized it. Outside the sounds of preparation turned into the full blast of a mobilization. Everyone was up now and getting prepared as quickly as they could. I could hear men shouting orders all across the camp, regiment horns blowing orders to their corresponding troops.


By the time my mind caught up my body had already strapped on my gear and grabbed my bow and quiver and I was out of the tent. A rustling to my sides alerted me of the other two Rangers exiting their tents as I did.


"Owl, orders?" They each asked.


"Reinforce the front and keep an eye out for any major threats. If the retreat horns sound then link up with me and make sure no one is left behind." I ordered, and soon they were off.

 

[Dusky]

Hah
Don't worry


It's all a ruse


I'm really just looking for some positive feedback to get my mind churning into continuing these stories lol

Is this true? Cause, uh... I can give you some positive feedback, but it's gonna come with a whole lotta negative, too. Like an actual critique.

 

[Reiyumi]

I loved them! You should definitely continue both of them!

 

[Atom]

Is this true? Cause, uh... I can give you some positive feedback, but it's gonna come with a whole lotta negative, too. Like an actual critique.

If I never get any negative then I'll never improve.


So


HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT*Que music*

 

[Reiyumi]

Too true. I did notice that you didn't really describe your character and that some of the grammar was a little off.

 

[Atom]

Too true. I did notice that you didn't really describe your character and that some of the grammar was a little off.

Hmm


Good point


I do lack character description


I guess I could continue it and do a description in the second chapters but I need to improve that.


Also could you post some of the grammar errors? I can't improve well without seeing the specific problems.

 

[Reiyumi]

I sure can. I think it would be better if I gave you a example though.


When people say stuff, even the smallest thing, like in the first one, you should use quotation marks.


I.e. "The Raven" the people mumbled.


Secondly, you tend to not use possessives.


Instead of Raticon's stolen property, it would say something like Raticons stolen property.

 

[Atom]

I sure can. I think it would be better if I gave you a example though.
When people say stuff, even the smallest thing, like in the first one, you should use quotation marks.


I.e. "The Raven" the people mumbled.


Secondly, you tend to not use possessives.


Instead of Raticon's stolen property, it would say something like Raticons stolen property.

Mhm


Good points

 

[Reiyumi]

That's all I got for now. I'll let you know if I find anything else. By the way, you take criticism very well, which is very rare to find.

 

[Dusky]

Story 1
RAVENS GALE


The night was silent, the light of the moon dimmed behind the dark masses of the clouds. The darkness cloaked the streets with its own coldness and shutters were closed to bar out such coldness,

Okay, first of all it looks like you need to do some proofreading, not just here but throughout, because using the same word twice in a sentence is usually a no-no. Furthermore, look how many cliches are in this sentence and a half. You're very clearly trying to set up a strong image, a strong setting, but cliches and overused descriptions are weakening what otherwise would have a lot of atmosphere. "dark masses of the clouds" "darkness cloaked the noun," etc.. see what I'm saying?

not a light remained glowing in the buildings along the street. The street appeared empty and peaceful until the moon broke from its cloudy curtains, the light casting a moving shadow as something slithered along the roof tops, sticking low and moving fast.
Raticon moved fast, and then faster as the moon broke, destroying the cover of shadows he had previously relied on. No matter, as he was almost at his destination and people feared the night too much to cast a glance towards the dusty streets to see the movement of his shadow. The building ahead loomed above him, casting its own shadow across him and the street as he neared. The royal treasury loomed ahead, the daunting walls casting shadows across that which lay beneath it.

I already mentioned this, but, repetition. You can only talk about shadows for so long before people start to be like, yeah yeah, get on with it.

The top of the walls were adorned with little lanterns of aura, the magical essence of the world, their light shining outwards to illuminate the surroundings of the upper wall for the guardsmen who circled in a timely patrol that left no opening for a regular thief. Luckily Raticon was no regular thief.

So we've been with Raticon for more than a paragraph now and I still have absolutely no reason to care about him. I don't know why he's doing what he's doing, and I doubt that would endear me much to him - he has no personality so far and could be an emotionless robot ninja machine instead of a main character. Dat's bad.

He stepped forward to the wall, attaching two hooks to his wrists and a spike to each toe as he began his ascent, moving as slow as he could manage without taking too much time. He gradually neared the lights and stopped, concentrating as he summoned the power of his own aura to adopt the look of his surroundings.
Raticon took a hesitant breath and reached one hand forward into the light. With a sigh of relief he watched as his hand seemed to meld with the rock and blend in, making him unseeable

invisible - again, proof-reading required. You've got quite a few off spots throughout. Run it through a spellchecker if you can't see them yourself... RPN itself has an automatic one in it's posting box thingy.

unless one were to look directly at him with the knowledge he was there. He continued his ascent slower this time, though he was invisible in essence he could still make noise and alert the guards. He eventually crested the top and stuck to the side of the wall, waiting for both guards to pass before dropping over the lip to settle in the shadows directly beneath the light.
Raticon took a moment to catch his breath from the climb, taking quiet deep breaths until his body regained its calm but charged potential. The guards crossed once more and Raticon moved, twisting between the two without a sound and dropping down the other side of the wall quickly, hooking the lip as he stuck his toe spikes into footholds and slithered out of sight.

I do think you do remarkably well with kinetic descriptions. A great many authors have trouble describing movement, action - you seem to have no such issue. It's easy to visualize, fluid, etc... The only thing lacking is, as I said before, character. I'm beginning to get bored, because even if you do something well you can only do it so long uninterrupted.

He made his way down the wall as fast as he could without compromising his cover in the silent shadows. The ground slowly came beneath his feet and he peeled from the wall, the actual treasery looming before him, the courtyard darkened. With such defense along the wall the guardsmen saw no reason to guard the courtyard below. Raticon strode across the open ground like a king, grinning as he made it across un-apposed and slipped into the main building.

Ahah! Finally a little personality! It's not much, but it conveys a confident, smug man. See if you can get that across a bit sooner.

Inside the room was awash with light, but off the center of the room shadows still laid in silence. Raticon drifted over quietly, melting into the shadows. He slowly preceded through the building, passing guards here and there but not a one caught sight of him. It was almost like he wasn't even there, melting into the shadows along the walls as if he was a part of them himself. He moved deeper into the compound, where the light only grew dimmer, and the shadows deeper, until he came across a room. This room, like others, was simple, and not near as grand as the main treasury's holding chamber.

Bring back some of that reaction! Give us some insight to the main character's thought process, mention the buildup of excitement as everything goes so well, maybe a grin that comes to his face as not a one notices him... Again, I don't know why I'm supposed to care.

Inside was naught but a few crates holding things that the treasury staff deemed of poor wealth. But within one of these crates something drew Raticon, urging him onward as he walked to a crate near the back wall. He stared at it a moment, slowly pulling a dagger loose from his belt and prying off the lid. Inside, nestled in a pile of hay, lay a small black object. The object was sleek and black, and harnessed on the back side to be worn like a pack. The sides each had a line down them, as if they came out, but as evident by it's location a way to make it reveal it's secrets had not been found.
Raticon picked it up with a grin, replacing it on his back without hesitation as he relished in the return of his stolen property. Raticon released a short burst of sound, triggering a magical keynote within the back and it opened, expanding outwards into a large pair of glider like wings. "My wings..." he mused, reaching round to run his fingers along their fabric. "The wings of the Raven..." He mused.


The next part of Raticons plan was simple. He needed as many guards after him that he could manage. Ad the biggest spectacle he could create. Raticon swept from the room just as a patrol rounded the corner.


"Halt!" the lead guard shouted as he took off down the hall towards him, the others in tow. Raticon grinned and ran the opposite direction. Picturing the buildings floor plan he took a corner hallway to a set of stairs. Halfway up a burst of noise signaled the alarm. Soon the whole building would be on him. Perfect.


Raticon ran at full speed along the stairs, leaping the guards who came down to stop him. By the time he reached the higher floors nearly have the active force was after him, barely behind him. Raticon leapt the last portion of the stairs and slammed the door open. The roof was filled with guards waiting for him, cutting off each exit. Except the edge of the roof. They still had no clue who he was. Raticon grinned and ducked down as he put on a burst of speed towards the edge. The guards quickly shouted with realization and tried to cut him off but it was too late. Raticon planted his foot on the edge and shoved himself off, the wall below rising to meet him as he triggered the keynote and they expanded and swept him into the air in a large arc.


The men watched in awe and one even muttered The Raven,

Quotes there! And ;later on, too - if they're muttering it, saying it, whatever-ing it quote it. You may notice it's been a while since my last comment - that's because I'm becoming engrossed. What you're doing differently here is providing a lot of personality, lots of people displaying reactions... Things like "They still had no clue who he was" make me care and that's good.

but it was moments before they gained the sense to ring the bell. A man quickly began to ring out a signal to the city garrison. The Raven. East side. Moving for edge. A distant ring came back as conformation for the signals recievance

reception

and across the city the garrison mobilized as Raticon moved that way, sweeping low across the ground before planting his feet and folding the wings back as he continued at a dead run.
He proceeded through the city mostly undeterred the closer he got to the east end. And even now doors opened and people stared in awe as he ran by. The Raven many muttered in awe and fear as he passed them. He quickly turned the east end main street and halted as a large garrison of soldiers emptied to the street in a defensive form to halt him.


Raticon eyed the soldiers for a few seconds, his mind compiling a route to exploit their every weakness. With a sudden burst of energy Raticon ran towards them. The soldiers leveled spears his way as he ran and he quickly cut right towards a building along the street. He quickly hooked a sign hanging and launched himself upward, wings unfurling as he swooped down and cut over the top of the soldiers front. He quickly arced up onto the rooftops across the street and took off again at a dead run.


He ran fast and low, bobbing and weaving to avoid the arrows fired from the soldiers in the street. He ran watched as the distance from him to the edge slowly closed, preparing to jump as he got closer. The soldiers scrambled to get on the roofs and stop him but unable as he reached the edge and jumped into the open sky. Below him the land dropped away to a thin point before the open air lay between land and the water far below.

I really like this description here. I can visualize it, it's exciting, and it's refreshing as well.

Raticon whooped with joy at the success of his mission and the return of his wings, free-falling until he passed the bottom of the floating island of Deschire, the royal city populating it. He grinned as he released a quick sound and the wings flashed open even larger in the open air. He arced upwards with them, the air blasting past as he and his wings carved a path through the night. He twisted and flipped in the air, filled with joy at the sensation of flight. He slowed his flight after a bit and arced right, making way for the slum island of Tragon, long since lost from Deschire, freed by an army of bandits and wealthy outlaws whose hearts lay with its poor and sickly inhabitants. It was now a stronghold for a group of men that fought against Deschire for true freedom and also his home. The Ravens nest.

Yes - definitely write more. The biggest weakness here is that we are not hooked soon enough. For those of us that persevere, it's really quite interesting, but you need to intrigue us sooner, and not just with fancy descriptions. Make us care.


And definitely bring some of this commitment and talent to Seeding the universe~


I'd critique the other one, but one takes long enough... @.@

 

[Reiyumi]

Or listen to the Creative Writing Major over there.


@Dusky


It would probably just be a little repetitive anyways.


The ideas behind both stories are great though.

 

[Atom]

Okay, first of all it looks like you need to do some proofreading, not just here but throughout, because using the same word twice in a sentence is usually a no-no. Furthermore, look how many cliches are in this sentence and a half. You're very clearly trying to set up a strong image, a strong setting, but cliches and overused descriptions are weakening what otherwise would have a lot of atmosphere. "dark masses of the clouds" "darkness cloaked the noun," etc.. see what I'm saying?
I already mentioned this, but, repetition. You can only talk about shadows for so long before people start to be like, yeah yeah, get on with it.


So we've been with Raticon for more than a paragraph now and I still have absolutely no reason to care about him. I don't know why he's doing what he's doing, and I doubt that would endear me much to him - he has no personality so far and could be an emotionless robot ninja machine instead of a main character. Dat's bad.


invisible - again, proof-reading required. You've got quite a few off spots throughout. Run it through a spellchecker if you can't see them yourself... RPN itself has an automatic one in it's posting box thingy.


I do think you do remarkably well with kinetic descriptions. A great many authors have trouble describing movement, action - you seem to have no such issue. It's easy to visualize, fluid, etc... The only thing lacking is, as I said before, character. I'm beginning to get bored, because even if you do something well you can only do it so long uninterrupted.


Ahah! Finally a little personality! It's not much, but it conveys a confident, smug man. See if you can get that across a bit sooner.


Bring back some of that reaction! Give us some insight to the main character's thought process, mention the buildup of excitement as everything goes so well, maybe a grin that comes to his face as not a one notices him... Again, I don't know why I'm supposed to care.


Quotes there! And ;later on, too - if they're muttering it, saying it, whatever-ing it quote it. You may notice it's been a while since my last comment - that's because I'm becoming engrossed. What you're doing differently here is providing a lot of personality, lots of people displaying reactions... Things like "They still had no clue who he was" make me care and that's good.


reception


I really like this description here. I can visualize it, it's exciting, and it's refreshing as well.


Yes - definitely write more. The biggest weakness here is that we are not hooked soon enough. For those of us that persevere, it's really quite interesting, but you need to intrigue us sooner, and not just with fancy descriptions. Make us care.


And definitely bring some of this commitment and talent to Seeding the universe~


I'd critique the other one, but one takes long enough... @.@

Thanks!


As for the personality thing, I did this in two halfs. The first half was wrote quickly on the bus.


The second at home, different timing and attitude.


But the main problem I think was my attitude flow. I started him as someone who was emotionless on a job. And then changed that mid way and never fixed the first part.


Lots of good improvements I can make here.


But when you get the time could you critique the second? It's actually my most recent creation.

 

[Dusky]

Sure, I'll bookmark the post~

 

[Atom]

Still Looking for some criticism.

 

[Samantha Robin]

I read the first story and it was very good! But:


Mix up some of your vocabulary. Mix up 'loomed' with 'rose', 'arch' with 'curve', and such. Repeating words are not terrible, but can be done without.


When people say something, mark it with 'blah blah' or "blah blah". For instance, change


He muttered, The Raven


Into


He muttered, "The Raven..."


Also, add more details. Describe the scenes a bit more to capture the atmosphere.


Great story, very good. If I was your teacher I'd give a high grade.

 

[Grey]

I think I'll get to this over lunch.


It will not be kind.

 

[Dusky]

Grey shall do what I cannot. -reviews the Good Cop Bad Cop script-

 

[Atom]

Looking forward to it.

 

[Grey]

Grey cracks knuckles





I have inserted some emboldened lines of feedback. Some spelling errors but that's what spellcheck is for so I won't bother unless it's really odd.

Story 1
RAVENS GALE


The night was silent, the light of the moon dimmed behind the dark masses of the clouds. The darkness cloaked the streets with its own coldness and shutters were closed to bar out such coldness, not a light remained glowing in the buildings along the street. The street appeared empty and peaceful until the moon broke from its cloudy curtains, the light casting a moving shadow as something slithered along the roof tops, sticking low and moving fast.


Too much repetition, not enough texture. You could cut it to two lines and it'd work better.


Raticon moved fast, and then faster as the moon broke, destroying the cover of shadows he had previously relied on. No matter, as he was almost at his destination and people feared the night too much to cast a glance towards the dusty streets to see the movement of his shadow. The building ahead loomed above him, casting its own shadow across him and the street as he neared. The royal treasury loomed ahead, the daunting walls casting shadows across that which lay beneath it.


Again, too much repetition. This is a wasted opportunity to tell us things about the world, too.


The top of the walls were adorned with little lanterns of aura, the magical essence of the world, their light shining outwards to illuminate the surroundings of the upper wall for the guardsmen who circled in a timely patrol that left no opening for a regular thief. Luckily Raticon was no regular thief. He stepped forward to the wall, attaching two hooks to his wrists and a spike to each toe as he began his ascent, moving as slow as he could manage without taking too much time. He gradually neared the lights and stopped, concentrating as he summoned the power of his own aura to adopt the look of his surroundings.


Getting somewhere interesting. Some cliche phrasing, and redundant words. You can present the speed of his ascent more cleanly than that.


Raticon took a hesitant breath and reached one hand forward into the light. With a sigh of relief he watched as his hand seemed to meld with the rock and blend in, making him unseeable unless one were to look directly at him with the knowledge he was there. He continued his ascent slower this time, though he was invisible in essence he could still make noise and alert the guards. He eventually crested the top and stuck to the side of the wall, waiting for both guards to pass before dropping over the lip to settle in the shadows directly beneath the light.


Not bad, in terms of pace. You want to say undetectable or invisible, though. Still a little clumsy.


Raticon took a moment to catch his breath from the climb, taking quiet deep breaths until his body regained its calm but charged potential. The guards crossed once more and Raticon moved, twisting between the two without a sound and dropping down the other side of the wall quickly, hooking the lip as he stuck his toe spikes into footholds and slithered out of sight.


You should commit to dichotomies like 'calm but charged potential' a bit more if you're going to use them, but the action here isn't bad.


He made his way down the wall as fast as he could without compromising his cover in the silent shadows. The ground slowly came beneath his feet and he peeled from the wall, the actual treasery looming before him, the courtyard darkened. With such defense along the wall the guardsmen saw no reason to guard the courtyard below. Raticon strode across the open ground like a king, grinning as he made it across un-apposed and slipped into the main building.


This treasury does a lot of looming.


Inside the room was awash with light, but off the center of the room shadows still laid in silence. Raticon drifted over quietly, melting into the shadows. He slowly preceded through the building, passing guards here and there but not a one caught sight of him. It was almost like he wasn't even there, melting into the shadows along the walls as if he was a part of them himself. He moved deeper into the compound, where the light only grew dimmer, and the shadows deeper, until he came across a room. This room, like others, was simple, and not near as grand as the main treasury's holding chamber.


Too much description without enough substance or style to it. Too many melting shadows. ...That's a creepy thought, I'm saving that one for later.


Inside was naught but a few crates holding things that the treasury staff deemed of poor wealth. But within one of these crates something drew Raticon, urging him onward as he walked to a crate near the back wall. He stared at it a moment, slowly pulling a dagger loose from his belt and prying off the lid. Inside, nestled in a pile of hay, lay a small black object. The object was sleek and black, and harnessed on the back side to be worn like a pack. The sides each had a line down them, as if they came out, but as evident by it's location a way to make it reveal it's secrets had not been found.


Repetition again. Clunky, pointless description. I like that this is clearly some kind of glider. You might have meant poor value, rather than poor wealth.


Raticon picked it up with a grin, replacing it on his back without hesitation as he relished in the return of his stolen property. Raticon released a short burst of sound, triggering a magical keynote within the back and it opened, expanding outwards into a large pair of glider like wings. "My wings..." he mused, reaching round to run his fingers along their fabric. "The wings of the Raven..." He mused.


Not sure about that monologue. Released a short burst of what sound from where?


The next part of Raticons plan was simple. He needed as many guards after him that he could manage. Ad the biggest spectacle he could create. Raticon swept from the room just as a patrol rounded the corner.


"Halt!" the lead guard shouted as he took off down the hall towards him, the others in tow. Raticon grinned and ran the opposite direction. Picturing the buildings floor plan he took a corner hallway to a set of stairs. Halfway up a burst of noise signaled the alarm. Soon the whole building would be on him. Perfect.


You know, I wonder what these guards look like and how they're armed. You can also use pure action here to show rather than tell Raticon's plan.


Raticon ran at full speed along the stairs, leaping the guards who came down to stop him. By the time he reached the higher floors nearly have the active force was after him, barely behind him. Raticon leapt the last portion of the stairs and slammed the door open. The roof was filled with guards waiting for him, cutting off each exit. Except the edge of the roof. They still had no clue who he was. Raticon grinned and ducked down as he put on a burst of speed towards the edge. The guards quickly shouted with realization and tried to cut him off but it was too late. Raticon planted his foot on the edge and shoved himself off, the wall below rising to meet him as he triggered the keynote and they expanded and swept him into the air in a large arc.


Conceptually fine, but the description here is just lacking in soul.


The men watched in awe and one even muttered The Raven, but it was moments before they gained the sense to ring the bell. A man quickly began to ring out a signal to the city garrison. The Raven. East side. Moving for edge. A distant ring came back as conformation for the signals recievance and across the city the garrison mobilized as Raticon moved that way, sweeping low across the ground before planting his feet and folding the wings back as he continued at a dead run.


What about 'Confirmation of the signal's receipt'? If you're not going to dress it up any more than that, I mean.


He proceeded through the city mostly undeterred the closer he got to the east end. And even now doors opened and people stared in awe as he ran by. The Raven many muttered in awe and fear as he passed them. He quickly turned the east end main street and halted as a large garrison of soldiers emptied to the street in a defensive form to halt him.


Undeterred by or from... the guards, I assume? He's pretty recognizable just with the pack, it seems.


Raticon eyed the soldiers for a few seconds, his mind compiling a route to exploit their every weakness. With a sudden burst of energy Raticon ran towards them. The soldiers leveled spears his way as he ran and he quickly cut right towards a building along the street. He quickly hooked a sign hanging and launched himself upward, wings unfurling as he swooped down and cut over the top of the soldiers front. He quickly arced up onto the rooftops across the street and took off again at a dead run.


He likes his dead runs, this guy. This whole paragraph needs to be burned down and rebuilt.


He ran fast and low, bobbing and weaving to avoid the arrows fired from the soldiers in the street. He ran watched as the distance from him to the edge slowly closed, preparing to jump as he got closer. The soldiers scrambled to get on the roofs and stop him but unable as he reached the edge and jumped into the open sky. Below him the land dropped away to a thin point before the open air lay between land and the water far below.


I think there's a whole sentence missing here, or something.


Raticon whooped with joy at the success of his mission and the return of his wings, free-falling until he passed the bottom of the floating island of Deschire, the royal city populating it. He grinned as he released a quick sound and the wings flashed open even larger in the open air. He arced upwards with them, the air blasting past as he and his wings carved a path through the night. He twisted and flipped in the air, filled with joy at the sensation of flight. He slowed his flight after a bit and arced right, making way for the slum island of Tragon, long since lost from Deschire, freed by an army of bandits and wealthy outlaws whose hearts lay with its poor and sickly inhabitants. It was now a stronghold for a group of men that fought against Deschire for true freedom and also his home. The Ravens nest.

For all the clumsiness of the description, that ending is possibly the best part. You could foreshadow that a little more, work on the description, and it'd be great.


The main thing I see in this is that your characterization is lacking, your pacing isn't bad, and your descriptions need a mountain of work. There's no authorial voice here, no personal flair - much of it is quite flat, even though conceptually it seems fun and could be a great little scene. Dusk is right about the kinetic description early on; potential there. The only practical advice I have is read more, and in particular I think The Malazan Book of the Fallen should be of great value to you.

 

[Atom]

Grey cracks knuckles



I have inserted some emboldened lines of feedback. Some spelling errors but that's what spellcheck is for so I won't bother unless it's really odd.


For all the clumsiness of the description, that ending is possibly the best part. You could foreshadow that a little more, work on the description, and it'd be great.


The main thing I see in this is that your characterization is lacking, your pacing isn't bad, and your descriptions need a mountain of work. There's no authorial voice here, no personal flair - much of it is quite flat, even though conceptually it seems fun and could be a great little scene. Dusk is right about the kinetic description early on; potential there. The only practical advice I have is read more, and in particular I think The Malazan Book of the Fallen should be of great value to you.

Thank you much. I'm make sure to take all this into account.


If you find the time could you critique story 2? Out


It is the more recent of the two.


It's also my attempt at a first person perspective in a story.