Looking for critics

[Grey]

Yes, I will probably do so after work.

 

[Skelo10]

Okay, first of all it looks like you need to do some proofreading, not just here but throughout, because using the same word twice in a sentence is usually a no-no. Furthermore, look how many cliches are in this sentence and a half. You're very clearly trying to set up a strong image, a strong setting, but cliches and overused descriptions are weakening what otherwise would have a lot of atmosphere. "dark masses of the clouds" "darkness cloaked the noun," etc.. see what I'm saying?
I already mentioned this, but, repetition. You can only talk about shadows for so long before people start to be like, yeah yeah, get on with it.


So we've been with Raticon for more than a paragraph now and I still have absolutely no reason to care about him. I don't know why he's doing what he's doing, and I doubt that would endear me much to him - he has no personality so far and could be an emotionless robot ninja machine instead of a main character. Dat's bad.


invisible - again, proof-reading required. You've got quite a few off spots throughout. Run it through a spellchecker if you can't see them yourself... RPN itself has an automatic one in it's posting box thingy.


I do think you do remarkably well with kinetic descriptions. A great many authors have trouble describing movement, action - you seem to have no such issue. It's easy to visualize, fluid, etc... The only thing lacking is, as I said before, character. I'm beginning to get bored, because even if you do something well you can only do it so long uninterrupted.


Ahah! Finally a little personality! It's not much, but it conveys a confident, smug man. See if you can get that across a bit sooner.


Bring back some of that reaction! Give us some insight to the main character's thought process, mention the buildup of excitement as everything goes so well, maybe a grin that comes to his face as not a one notices him... Again, I don't know why I'm supposed to care.


Quotes there! And ;later on, too - if they're muttering it, saying it, whatever-ing it quote it. You may notice it's been a while since my last comment - that's because I'm becoming engrossed. What you're doing differently here is providing a lot of personality, lots of people displaying reactions... Things like "They still had no clue who he was" make me care and that's good.


reception


I really like this description here. I can visualize it, it's exciting, and it's refreshing as well.


Yes - definitely write more. The biggest weakness here is that we are not hooked soon enough. For those of us that persevere, it's really quite interesting, but you need to intrigue us sooner, and not just with fancy descriptions. Make us care.


And definitely bring some of this commitment and talent to Seeding the universe~


I'd critique the other one, but one takes long enough... @.@

damn senpai

 

[Elle Joyner]

So... basically, I can add nothing remotely constructive or useful that wasn't just said better by Dusky and Grey *LOL* I completely 100% ditto their commentary. It's a good start, but it needs work - mostly cosmetic. Repeated words, the grammar elements that are missing, and a lack of description to some elements (the character), while others have too much (the shadows).


My only additional critique would be to watch that your prose always means something or adds something to the scene. If you're going to write about the night cloaking the streets, don't just write those words... Express it. Feel it. Make me feel it. Describe it. How does it feel? How does it look, smell, sound? Saying "the night cloaked the streets" is crayons in a coloring book - I want a masterpiece by Monet. I want to shut my eyes and be transported there - otherwise, there is legitimately no point in describing it at all.


Also... don't be afraid of the thesaurus. I know people avoid it because it's frowned upon - but it exists for a reason. Just don't go to the longest, biggest word there is. But instead of writing coldness twice, you could write...that the air was frigid, biting, striking... Something that still gives the visual without interrupting the flow by utilizing the same word too many times.


Hope that helps!

 

[Samantha Robin]

I second Elle.

 

[Atom]

No one has critiqued story two tho ;^;

 

[Grey]

My time is limited. It too will feel my tender mercies, soon.

 

[Wishfully]

Hi there, Atom. I was just poking around on the threads and thought I'd give this a read On the first story, I really don’t have anything else to add- I’d say the respectable writers Dusky and Grey gave pretty thorough critiques that you’d be most wise to consult for future writing. So I’ll just go ahead and start with the second story since no one has looked over that one yet. I did that embedded comments thing too. You may want a chair and some refreshments because I tend to give long critiques- you have been warned ^^'

Story 2
The Blight


The cold bite of the air welcomed many of those who awoke that morning in the small border camp.


Not gonna lie, this first sentence was difficult for me to read. Sorry if I’m too critical or an overthinker on this one, but the cold bite of air is cliché, and the way this sentence is structured made me pay attention to the fact it’s cliché. “The cold bite of the air welcomed” does not sound like it belongs together- like, cold air biting isn’t welcoming. I guess this sentence isn’t passive, but it feels passive. Maybe something more like “The frigid wind slapped mercilessly against rows of cheeks, dousing the border camp in a fresh dose of awful” Don’t use that example- I lost my train of thought at the end haha, but what I’m trying to say is that the word “welcomed” is really throwing me off for some reason. Even “The cold air bit” sounds a little better to me, if we must stick with the cold air thing.


Maybe I’m being too nitpicky, but the first sentence seriously stressed me out for some reason O.o ’ I promise I won’t be like this after every line. With this first sentence, you could cut some of the unnecessary words- even small things like “the air” to just “air” and cutting “of those” and "that"– just taking out some of the smaller articles/words would stop me from stumbling through the sentence, asking questions, and scrutinizing so harshly. It’s just…it’s the first sentence and I was prepared for something really interesting right off the bat, or at least something snappy, sharp, and attention-grabbing.


Outside the fog hung heavily over the dark green luminescent crystals spiking through the ground, throwing an eerie light throughout the heavy fog. Dark clouds hung over the area like a blanket, always thundering and threatening to dump a downpour but never doing so. Rain never fell in the crystallized borders. The evil at its core had many strange effects, one being the halting of the rain. No matter how large he clouds became, or how much the sky wanted to open up, it never would.


Such fog, much dark. I got it. I like some of these descriptive words, but there are a couple too many sentences. I would cut the two lines from “Rain never fell…halting of the rain.” because "No matter how..." flows better from the fog. And then restructure those three sentences so they aren’t as repetitive but keep some of the descriptions like “dark green luminescent” and “eerie” and the facts that there are crystals and no rainfall.


Dark powers were at work here, it's source deep in the crystal fields at their center, a dark entity, the Lich King. It's been a few months now since his arrival in the far north and drastic changes had been witnessed. His malicious power effected the land greatly, spreading beneath the rock and dirt in the form of crystals, fountains from which his power could spread and create monstrosities, his minions of expansion and destruction. The crystals were constantly growing, and it was only because of our camps sanctifiers that this territory was not yet consumed by the blight.


So this marks the end of the background info, and we don’t get to learn more about these crystals. I’m sort of missing their importance too- I believe they are somehow destructive and a means of the Lich King’s power? But some clarity and specificity to show who this Lich King is and what he can do, why he should be feared, and what these crystals have done to this place would be more effective than the explanation that readers just have to accept. This story now switches into the first person POV, which is a major shift (that I do like) but it makes this section feel disconnected.


A distant horn sounded and I froze, listening for a second or third hoot, as were most of those on the wall with me. No other hoot was made and all of us audibly relaxed. One blow of the horn meant friendlies, two blows meant incoming attack, and three was the call for a full on advance or worse. All of us dreaded hearing three blows, but thankfully it had not happened before and hopefully would not happen soon.


"Scouts returning.." Someone along the wall spoke up and I twisted my head to the side, looking for the source of the voice. Jack, a fresh recruit, no wonder he was stating the obvious.


"What made that obvious? Perhaps the blow of the horn or the timing of their return that just so happens to be after they left and were out for the usual a time?" Another asked, his voice tinged with sarcasm. Chuckles broke out along the men on the wall and Jack hung his head, a bit embarrassed.


"Eyes front." I cut in, the authority in my voice causing the silence that spread along the wall as they all redirected their gaze forward. Out in no mans land, the area between wall and crystal field, the scout part was crossing. They looked worn and ragged, tired from another night out in the crystals.


"Mornin' gentlemen." A voice behind me called. I turned, seeking the source. Behind me a group of men looking well rested and led by Evans arrived. Duty rotation at last. "Well, I'm sure you gents could use some rest, you may take your leave on Larks command." He said, motioning to me.


"Detail. Attention!" I called, the men along the wall snapping into position. "Detail. Dismissed!" I finished. With groans of relief each man relaxed, some sagging, others stretching, but soon all of them melted away down the ramps. "The post is yours Evans." I said, turning to face him.


"Thank you." He said with a nod, calling out a string of orders to his waiting men. I stepped to the side and began my descent down the ramp, rubbing my own cramped and sore neck from a nights watch.


I think this is my favorite section of the story- this one or the last section. I like the dialogue- I like how you used things like “Mornin’ ” instead of “Morning” and the short, choppy commands. Those are the kinds of things that someone would actually say, and it adds to the believability and tells about the type of people here. Nice job! I like how people are referred to by last name. I also liked the exchange about the fresh recruit. It provides a good opportunity to see the interactions between these people at the camp. Overall, this section does a good job of setting the stage and giving off the military vibe the readers are supposed to feel.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The mess hall was packed, full of the night rotation as well as those preparing for a day's work on the camp. The clinking of dishes filled my ears as I approached the line, squeezing between a few guys that were just standing around. I followed along the line to the grub counter where the kitchen cooks stood ready to hand out portions to each persons tray.


A large grey glob of something hit my tray with a wet thud. "What is that..?" I asked, eyes it warily.


"Goulash." The man replied simply, offering no explanation. I groaned in annoyance and proceeded down the line until I had all I needed.


Not sure the stuff about the weird food is necessary. It sounds like the stereotypical school cafeteria and army food line.


I stood for a moment, eyeing the tables for a spot to sit before I noticed someone waving me over. Corporal Bower, new arrival, yet to see any real battle. I hesitated walking over before sighing and proceeding.


"Ey, Ranger, what's the news on the scout party?" Bower asked as I approached.


"Not sure yet, I've yet to speak with them." I replied, taking a seat and beginning to eat my food. "Ugh, this tastes horrible." I grumbled between a mouthful. The others at the table mumbled their agreement, though they all continued to swallow it down. That's how things were in the camp, nothing wasted. Food could be scarce along the crystal borders.


"So no news at all?" Bower asked.


"I told you I haven't spoken to them yet." I grunted with a scowl. Bower was too talkative, too curious. He'd yet to see battle here, he wasn't hardened like the others. ((You already said that a few sentences ago. Pick one or the other.))


"Owl!" Someone called. I turned my head to the side, searching for the source. Another Ranger approached, his long bow slung over his shoulder and his quiver to his side, an assortment of gear dotting his armor.


"What is it Cardinal?" I grunted. Cardinal, Owl, all the Rangers took bird names over their original, a symbolic way of showing the Rangers ties between humanity, nature, and magic. ((Interesting, I like this small bit of info about the bird names!))


"Scouting party's back, you've been requested at the command tent before you take your rest." He replied, motioning backwards with a tilt of his head.


"Aye, I'll be there then." I replied with a nod, standing from the table with a nod to those still sitting. I left my tray, when you're ordered to the command tent you don't take time for other things, and began following Cardinal to the tent.


~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~


The meeting was short, no Rangers were assigned to the scouting party so commonly on their return they would meet with the three Rangers based in the camp for guidance. It was usually information they sought on what they had discovered on that outing. And as usual the Rangers provided what we could and were on our way.


I'm kind of confused about this information. I'm not sure what else to say other than I'm confused and would appreciate some clarity because I don't really understand what happened.


I finally returned to my tent, removing the majority of my gear and hanging it in the appropriate place. My small tent was alongside the other Rangers tents and I could hear them preparing for their own rest. All three of us served night watch along the walls due to our excellent ability to see in the dark and aim just as well as in daylight with a bow. Let alone the fact that we could shoot a marker shot into a target. The shot would flare up and paint the target for the other wall archers, so each wall facing the crystal fields had a Ranger.


I was soon ready to sleep and recuperate the energy from the nights watch, already laying into my cot. As soon as my eyes closed I heard it.


Froooooooooooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmm


A long blow on the horn. I remained as I was for a moment, ears perked. I knew what was coming though, but it wasn't my problem. Rangers were not required in daytime defenses unless it was a three horn.


Froooooooooooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmm


My eyes were closed after the sound ended, the sound of armor jangling and weapons being drawn as soldiers prepared. Looking back on the moment I could swear there was an audible moment of silence before it came.


Froooooooooooooooowwwwwwwmmmmmm


My eyes slammed open and I was moving before I fully realized it. Outside the sounds of preparation turned into the full blast of a mobilization. Everyone was up now and getting prepared as quickly as they could. I could hear men shouting orders all across the camp, regiment horns blowing orders to their corresponding troops.


By the time my mind caught up my body had already strapped on my gear and grabbed my bow and quiver and I was out of the tent. A rustling to my sides alerted me of the other two Rangers exiting their tents as I did.


"Owl, orders?" They each asked.


"Reinforce the front and keep an eye out for any major threats. If the retreat horns sound then link up with me and make sure no one is left behind." I ordered, and soon they were off.


This is where the conflict is starting to show itself and the moment I was ready to read more…but then there's no more. I'm assuming this is just the beginning of the story, but I sort of wish this section came sooner than now.

Overall positives:


1.) The first person perspective is on its way to being really effective.


Hey that rhymes! I'm glad this story is in first person- it feels right and provides for a more interesting read. Unfortunately we don't get a lot of personality from the narrator- he doesn't seem to think a lot to himself. The one moment I remember liking was when he hesitated to sit down with Bowen. It felt more personal and less automatic like a lot of the narrator's previous actions. Just keep working on it and I think it could turn out quite well


2.) Good dialogue between characters.


I mentioned this before, but I like the dialogue- it really adds to the setting, and it's realistic. Keep it up!


3.) Some of the descriptions are pretty nice.


The parts about the fog, no rain, or how Bowen hadn't seen battle started out well- I like details about the environment and characters. Just be careful of repetition and bland words. More words like "luminescent" and "eerie" and less words like "cold" and "dark".


4.) Good actions.


A lot of the basic actions are expressed simply and clearly like the grumbling about duties and the narrator sitting down to lunch, returning to the tent, etc.


5.) Interesting situation/setting idea.


There's a bit of a futuristic vibe that I like, plus the modern and fantasy kind of mixture is a nice concept to explore.


Main critiques:


1.) I don’t fully understand the specifics of the situation and why the things happening in the background are important.


-The background info was a little bland for me in the way it was presented. I’d rather have this information embedded into the rest of the story or have it presented in a different, more creative way. Perhaps it’s an interview or news article someone is reading about this devastation, or a tour guide showing someone this ruined town- maybe it’s a conversation between two scouts of how things got to be this way. I just think there’s a more interesting way to show the reader this information as opposed to telling all this background info at once in the beginning. I know it's supposed to give context, but I don't feel like it does because I can't visualize the things being briefly described.


-Nothing is at stake here- I don't know how the community was before the Lich King, so I don't know how it has changed for the worse/why the Lich King is so awful. I want to understand these people and this community's struggles, but I don't really have any reason to care about this community or the people and feel for them yet.


-Clarity is key. Sometimes, things that are clear to you as the writer are not clear to the readers. There are a couple of spots I pointed out above to be specific, but overall just make sure you're saying exactly what you're trying to show so that people can understand the important things they need to know without having to dig through fluff. If the readers can understand what is going on, then they should be able to better understand why these conditions are relevant to the story. Just make sure the important details that we need to remember for this story are spelled out simply and effectively.


-Just as a suggestion, I often read my work aloud after I write so that I'm more likely to catch anything that sounds weird or unclear (and it also helps me catch grammar/spelling errors). I understand that with a long paper, you probably don't want to do that but if there are parts that stick out when you're proofreading, maybe give it a try.


2.) I don’t feel like the situation is being used to the best of its potential. The uniqueness that exists seems to be hidden by the ordinary.


-There is something unique and exciting about this situation. The mystical and fantasy elements about the crystals and the Lich King are interesting and make this more than just an army camp, but yet it just feels like a normal army camp. Maybe that's something that will be fixed if this story continues (and I do encourage you to continue). I'd like to see things happen here that don't happen at a normal camp. What are their patrols and duties like? Taking us on a scouting trip in character would show a little of the environment as well as character interaction, since there doesn't seem to be a lot of developed depth to any of the characters yet. I think the characterization will come and should show through when the main conflict happens. That being said, the end of this was where it got to the heart of the matter- the three alarms is where it got interesting and where I was ready to keep reading and learn more. Of course I'm sure this is not the finished work, but I would honestly cut to the chase faster- take out some of the normal camp things like the cafeteria and get to the three alarms faster because that's where the real intrigue is.


To end this on a nice note, I want you to know that I did enjoy reading this story, and I definitely think you should continue writing. Everything you write is bound to get better- the only way from here is up, right? Asking for critiques takes guts, but it shows that you're willing to work and improve. Take criticism with grace and don't take harshness as personal attacks- just because people catch things in other people's writings doesn't mean they don't pop up in their own. I know I'm guilty of some of the things I pointed out in this story, and it's something I'll try to keep in mind for myself as well. Everyone has to practice. Write often and read often- all good writers must first be good readers. Keep at it and don't give up, 'kay? I think you're off to a good start, and I wish you the best of luck in your future writing endeavors