jamaicanviking
One Thousand Club
Ah, welcome, visitor! I am President Ignacio Villalobos-Jimenez-Hernandez-Fernando-Mireles (though the citizens affectionately call me "President Nacho" for short!) I welcome you to my fine island, and hope you find everything on our island to be to your liking!
I'm sure you've heard, er, less-than-stellar rumors about my family and I from certain people; I assure you that we've had those people killed, and that you would do well to remember that we are as close to a perfect nation as you can get. *The rebellion against the dynasty is failing miserably, and in fact, the rebel threat has diminished as much as 200% from the last year! We're so kind and caring, that they've offered to join us in our war against future dissenters!
(*Note: Statisics come from El Presidente's Federal Bureau of Making Sure Nothing's Wrong, and are personally edited by him to correctly reflect island conditions. Viva El Presidente!)
To maximize enjoyment of your stay and minimize risk to your health, the Ministry has put forth a list of rules for all staying within the country:
-No criticism of El Presidente. If you are heard speaking against President Nacho or his family, you will be shot on site.
-Business owners are to give 85% of their profits to the government. In order to fund this fine country, we need money to do so. Your money, in fact. If you are not willing to comply, you will be shot on site.
-No rebellions. If you are seen openly revolting against the government, you will be shot on site.
-No crime. If you are seen committing a criminal act, you will be shot on site.
-No littering. If you are seen littering, you will be shot on site
Following these clear rules should make your stay that much more enjoyable!
I'm sure you've heard, er, less-than-stellar rumors about my family and I from certain people; I assure you that we've had those people killed, and that you would do well to remember that we are as close to a perfect nation as you can get. *The rebellion against the dynasty is failing miserably, and in fact, the rebel threat has diminished as much as 200% from the last year! We're so kind and caring, that they've offered to join us in our war against future dissenters!
(*Note: Statisics come from El Presidente's Federal Bureau of Making Sure Nothing's Wrong, and are personally edited by him to correctly reflect island conditions. Viva El Presidente!)
To maximize enjoyment of your stay and minimize risk to your health, the Ministry has put forth a list of rules for all staying within the country:
-No criticism of El Presidente. If you are heard speaking against President Nacho or his family, you will be shot on site.
-Business owners are to give 85% of their profits to the government. In order to fund this fine country, we need money to do so. Your money, in fact. If you are not willing to comply, you will be shot on site.
-No rebellions. If you are seen openly revolting against the government, you will be shot on site.
-No crime. If you are seen committing a criminal act, you will be shot on site.
-No littering. If you are seen littering, you will be shot on site
Following these clear rules should make your stay that much more enjoyable!