Viewpoint Ghosting and when to know you've been effected.

[Edythir]

Ghosting is a constant topic here. And I for one have quite the strong feelings on it. So pray permit me a moment to rant, share my view of it and of you to share the same.

For my part, there are few things that I respect less than ghosting. If you told me to my face that you hate me, I'm an idiot and you think my writing is on part with My Immortal, I would respect you more than if you ghosted me. If you sent me "bye" in a pm and never responded again, I would respect you more than if you ghosted me. If you just up and left the PM the RP is in and never gave an explanation, I would respect you more than if you ghosted me. Why? Because it's not about me, it's not about you. The person it really hurts is the ones who are genuinely busy and need a moment to themselves. Let me explain.

Say you grow bored of our RP, so you just never respond again. Did work, training, school or just general life become suddenly busy so you can't dedicate your time to a hobby? Or did you just decide that you are done with this forever? I am willing to wait for you, two weeks? Two months? I will wait for you. If I believe that you genuinly just need some time, sure I might send you a message a week of two of silence later just to see if everything is okay. But what if you just ghosted me? Honestly, hitting "Leave" on that thread would at least give me closure that you're not interested. I respect that and would move on. But please do myself and the other the decency of unambiguity. Just a little respect to those who come after you, be kind, rewind.

"Can't you just take a hint?". So there has been this whole discourse about "But x is autistic so defense defense justification" lately and I hope I don't come off like that. But I think it is kind of funny how neurotypical people have this whole ceramony of being vague and never speaking things directly but then tell neurodivergent people that they are difficult to talk to because we don't engage in speaking in hand signs and meridian lines. Why the need for making a hint? I would respect you a hell of a lot more if you punched me in the face rather than just tried to give me a hint that could mean anything from "Work got busy" to "I fucking hate you". And you know who that penalizes? The "Work got busy" people. Because as I said, if you couldn't come on and send me a quick message, as much as I always appreciate that, I know sometimes that's not feasible. You finally come back, want to return to an RP you think is still open but you hear "Sorry, i've moved on because I thought you were like the last person who burned me". I will wait for you, as long as you are busy. As long as you're not just pulling my leg that is. This is my one, fervent, almost zealous preference.

I have absolutely no respect for people who intentionally ghost. There are a million and one ways you could signal to me that you're not interested and this is over, and all of them would make me more appreciative than radio silence. Yes, even the vitriolic ones. That is how deeply I care about this, I would rather you insult me than just walk out without a word.

The first response, and the most valid one I have heard which follows this topic like company to misery, is "I've had people stalk me after I broke it up", or "People have exploded on me in the past" and other similar experiences. Blocking these people may not always be effective, even if you reach out to moderation and get them banned, making a new account is hardly difficult. They may even know you on other places, discords, videogames, groups or other forums. Vindictive people do not care about what lies and falsehood they spread about you if they feel like they have been slighted and want revenge. I feel for you, I truly do. I've been a victim of these types of people in the past, I've been in a place where I felt deeply unhappy in a roleplay guild but due to my sunk cost with them and my knowledge of the leader and their 'famous' temper, it took me a week just to dare myself up to leave because I knew they'd explode at me, and they did. When I announced my intention to leave on the discord my character was booted immediately by the leader while I was offline, then the leader came back screaming that I took their stuff when I left despite my very clear words of "I'll leave the stuff in the guild chest when I log in tomorrow before I leave" but my words went unheeded and I was booted with all the stuff. It's mine by right now, I consider.

But I would implore you to consider this, do they stop hounding you if you just ignore them? Or will they pester again, and again and again. Pressure and coerce and shame and gaslight you since you haven't posted in a while? Yes, these people leave a worse impression in your mind than first finding out how Balut is made, yes nobody should have to experience such a thing. But dealing with these people is always a bomb waiting to go off, would you like to light the fuse yourself and brace for impact or never know when it's going to blow?

If you are dealing with these sorts of people or have in the past, you can absolutely feel free to message me if you need any help or really just anyone to talk to you about it or what you can do. I can't promise I can solve anything but I can promise I can at least be there for you. These people have made me want to quit RP all together several times.

So. What about you guys? How do you view Ghosting? Is it ever justified? Are you more sympathetic to it, are there justifiable reasons I am unaware of? I would love to hear your side and opinions.

 

[nerdy tangents]

I tend to take the approach that it’s not about me.

I actually think being totally fine with ghosting makes it happen less. Because when your unbothered by your partner leaving and are just like “oh hey if you don’t reply for a week I will put the conversation on hiatus. Don’t mind the title change it’s just to help me keep things organized in my inbox.”

They are actually way more likely to say “oh hey I’m not interested.” Or “I don’t think I can continue”. Or whatever.

Because they already know what will happen and it’s a big fat nothing.

I genuinely don’t care if you leave. I have built that expectation in from the start and so it’s really just a win win for me.

I am not bothered if you leave but pleasantly surprised if you stay.

And in the event someone does leave without saying anything I already have something in place to address that as well.

So yeah I take the approach that this isn’t about me and I don’t need to let it ruin my day.

I find having a few things going at once helps with this too. As you aren’t putting all your hopes in one thing succeeding. If the roleplay doesn’t take off you can still have fun reading a book or playing a video game while you keep searching

 

[Edythir]

I understand that take, though nihilism is the one thing i can't allow myself. For lack of a better term for it. Both for the sake of my own mental health and sanity and the fact that if I have one foot out the door already I won't be able to invest in it. And if I can't invest in it then I can't be interested in it. I am of the type where if i come into it with the expectation that they will leave, then it is me who has already left. I currently have six "Open" RPs, four of them are current within the limbo of "Just busy or ghosted?". And yeah, I know this is entirely a me thing but you can't control some of the way your mind works. I would not believe that any less than half of us here have ADD/ADHD at the least and many have more so chances are you dear reader know of the sort i'm talking about.

 

[nerdy tangents]

I understand that take, though nihilism is the one thing i can't allow myself. For lack of a better term for it. Both for the sake of my own mental health and sanity and the fact that if I have one foot out the door already I won't be able to invest in it. And if I can't invest in it then I can't be interested in it. I am of the type where if i come into it with the expectation that they will leave, then it is me who has already left. I currently have six "Open" RPs, four of them are current within the limbo of "Just busy or ghosted?". And yeah, I know this is entirely a me thing but you can't control some of the way your mind works. I would not believe that any less than half of us here have ADD/ADHD at the least and many have more so chances are you dear reader know of the sort i'm talking about.

Sorry I think I explained it poorly.

It’s not checking out it’s clearly communicating through actions and not words.

Because that’s the problem really with ghosting. People think if they just SAY that they’re okay with someone leaving that will magically fix being conflict avoidant.

As someone who is very conflict avoidant in social situations I figure “why not do something that makes ME more comfortable and hope it helps.”

And it does end up helping both me and my partners. Because I’m not just saying “hey it’s fine if you leave just let me know.”

Im giving people a clear action that will happen if they leave. I’ll just put the RP on hiatus. That’s it. I don’t just say I won’t yell or get mad I actually tell them exactly the action I will take.

And I am comfortable with the idea of using that action if necessary.

So it’s not that I expect to have to use the hiatus rule but if it comes up I am not upset.

So less “I’m checked out” and more about not getting so upset about a common occurrence because I have built in a mechanism to control my side of it.

Because let’s be real, if telling people that ghosting is disrespectful stopped them from doing it then we wouldn’t have the problem in the first place. People say it literally all the time in various ways.

So if it’s going to happen anyway I don’t see the harm in coming up with a means of managing it for yourself.

Cuz clearly you can’t change other people’s behavior, we wouldn’t have the problem in the first place if we could.

 

[Cutiefly]

I despise ghosters. Used to have an rp partner of over 5 years that constantly ghosted others. He ended up getting annoyed at an rp and deleting all of his content. So yeah, I don't like them personally. I know alot of others don't like them in any community whatsoever, and I only rp with people that are actually active long term and won't do such a thing.

 

[Maime]

I decided about a decade ago that being direct was better, not just for the other person but also for conflict avoidance. Because when I first started rping 15 years ago, I would ghost on occasion,under the false idea that I was avoiding confrontation and messy feelings and backlash by doing so. Learned after a couple years that actually, NO, that is not the case. Almost always the person you ghost ends up messaging you feeling some type of way about being ignored and abandoned(rightfully so). So the confrontation happens anyway, except you can't really choose when it happens and from the moment you decide to ghost until they finally show up in your inbox, you're filled with dread, shame, and guilt waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So my anxiety that originally had me strategize avoiding others actually was causing me MORE anxiety and more messy confrontation and discomfort. Like it is REALLY upsetting to a lot of people to just be dropped without knowing or understanding why and that is a horrible thing to face up to having done to another person. I decided that wasn't working and added into the fact how much of a horrible person it made me feel, I decided pretty early in my rping career to be direct, communicate, and just rip the bandaid off if I am going to end things.

 

[Astrologer]

i personally don't mind ghosters & i consider myself ghost-friendly!

i'll admit that i've been guilty of it in the past. i'm sure many others have been too. on my part, sometimes it was because of anxiety or ADD, other times it was because I genuinely felt uncomfortable with the person who'd reached out to me. it's about learning boundaries, i think, which i'm still working on. given, i've never done it during a roleplay (it was always during the planning stage) though i've had people do it to me during planning and the roleplay stage. it's not a great feeling, but i don't take it personally. i also don't try to think too hard about why they left (if my OCD lets me) because it could be a million reasons like being anxious, getting too busy, forgetting, etc.

generally, i don't know what the other person(s) are going through, so i try to be sympathetic. life is chaotic. sometimes people aren't upfront about chronic illness, mental illness, or personal commitments & i try not to pry. "real life first" & all that. that said, i totally understand where people who hate it come from. it's not fun, it's not fair. it derails all of your planning, all of your hard work, and none of you deserve to be ghosted. you're totally valid to feel however you feel about it & i'm not here to say otherwise! that's just my thoughts on the matter.

have a lovely night/day!

 

[Bacon is fluffy]

I do wish people would have the decency to say they're out. I know there's probably one person who broke both hands or worse, but 99 percent of the time it's someone who probably got bored and went on discord or tiktok. but at this point it's been a reoccurring thing since I joined back in 2017. So if this behavior was not corrected by the community through talking and shaming, then it's likely never going to change.

and people will stay inconsiderate and rude.

 

[Elileo95]

I find it especially disheartening when people I had an awesome time with suddenly ghosts me... And I do invest time and patience in these things, it's just for fun and a hobby, but so is so much else?
I personally have a hard time walking the line of not bugging people and getting frustrated, so might get "annoying" at times; I try to just keep it super positive, so at least there's no bad vibes even if they think I'm annoying. I might be asking if they would like to go on hiatus or if they will be coming back , and telling them how much fun it's been and hope to see them soon...

 

[Matty]

Ghosting is like the RP shopping cart test.

 

[Pokeking]

Back in 2002, when I first participated in roleplaying, I would see the players very active on the overall forum but weren't posting for the storyline. It was a group storyline so the activity impacted the flow of the narrative. For example, my character was part of a side quest. It was my character and two others (a user playing two characters). I was waiting and waiting, probably for two weeks, for the other user. Meanwhile, time passed in the rest of the story. I got concerned so I made my character abandoned the other two. I guess I should add aloof to Jojin's character sheet. Xenophon (the character I would have used if he existed in my roster at the time, more than likely would not have abandoned his comrades. It would have sullied his honor as a minotaur. However, he probably wouldn't have been in that situation to begin with because I think all the characters that stayed at the tavern were squishy wizard types.

The decision came back to bite the residents of the tavern. The other user started to post to the storyline again and their two characters had become baddies. Bewitched or something, I don't remember. Sadly, by the time the other user came back, the storyline was entering the end of its run. The original GM had left the forum sometime before and a few of the original players had stopped posting.

I have regrets how things went for Red Ground Tavern and Inn which was the name of the storyline, but I will cherish the time that I spent and it opened my eyes into collaborative writing.

 

[Clair Obscur]

I have been roleplaying far too long and I really don't care about ghosting. I honestly don't. I've seen people come and go. Plan extensive stories, have deep discussions, written plenty of openers only for them to leave and to me that was fine. It's still fine. What am I supposed to do? Go searching for answers? Yeah no.

I have no control over what another person may choose to do but I know how I will respond to it which has been just to keep it going. I don't feel I'm owed any type of explanation. Something may have came up, something not my business. I would hope if that is the case the person is okay but as far as telling me anything that's not important. If someone feels the need to ghost I assume they have their reasons. It happens.

 

[nerdy tangents]

C Clair Obscur that reminds me of some of the more unhinged messages I got from people after “ghosting”.

Like the time in a group when someone was literally in a car accident, hospitalized for months, and then the second they could safely use the computer they wrote this whole letter to the RP apologizing for “leaving”. Like Holy Moley it’s not that serious. I’m just glad your alive.

Or the time I was talking to someone they stop responding for a few minutes and were like “yeah I think I passed out or something, my bad.” Like ??!!!! Go to the hospital. Holy crap this is not that important.

Then there was this one person that had a cursed year. Like multiple deaths in the family, they got COVID, etc. each time they would be gone for awhile then pop back in like “yeah sorry my grandma died and then I got COVID so I have basically been bedridden for a month.” Like your good. It’s genuinely not that big of a deal.

(( these are obviously not the only reasons people ghost just the most unhinged explanations I have gotten after the fact. ))

 

[GrumpySwallow]

Ghosting is a part of the RP hobby. It sucks, but it is what it is. As a GM, I make an effort to send a PM to a player if they have been missing for at least two weeks without notice. I also give my players permission to push a scene along if they have been stuck waiting for a post around that same time frame, and I'll even help if they need a means to remove their PCs from a scene. I can't stop people from abandoning a game, but I can soften its blow on the players affected by it and keep things going.

 

[Edythir]

Then there was this one person that had a cursed year. Like multiple deaths in the family, they got COVID, etc. each time they would be gone for awhile then pop back in like “yeah sorry my grandma died and then I got COVID so I have basically been bedridden for a month.” Like your good. It’s genuinely not that big of a deal.

I'm sorry to hear that, but god, it makes me think of how my RP guild died. My school started up at the time so I said I would only be available once per week (for an open event) and they were fine with it so most of the day to day was left to my other two officers. Well the first one had a mental break and spent 4 months at the psych ward while the second had his wife get in a bad car accident around the same time as his work increased his hours. So not only did he need to work 12 hour shifts, he also needed to do grocery runs, cook and clean on top of that, because they both had one fewer cars and his wife was bedridden for the better part of a month. The Guild then just kinda fell apart due to a series of unfortunate events.

 

[esbees]

i know that my point of view on this is going to be seen as a hot take, but personally: i believe that ghosting is not a big deal & no one owes anyone anything

like i said, i know it's a hot take and rather controversial. i've read through the post and the comments and can see where both sides come from and also see experiences i've never had. i will try to keep those in mind as i write. in my experience i have been ghosted and have ghosted. i've been roleplaying on and off since i was a kid and early on i learned about being ghosted. back then i merely thought of it as being ditched, and it hurt quite a bit. it still does as an adult, but i've accepted that being ghosted is a possibility i face no matter where i go searching for roleplays.

roleplaying is a hobby for most, a way to escape reality and responsibility for a bit. to be hounded to reply to something i look to as my escape takes that aspect away from it: it's now a chore. to be expected to note every absence can be grating, to have to give a reason why i'm not in the mood to write pushes me away. my biggest peeve that pushes me away is when people can't respect that i am busy too.

imo it's what makes finding a patient rp partner seem like finding a diamond in the rough at times, which is why i am adamant that i have become one. that's a major part as to why i am ghost friendly.

i am ghost friendly and i make sure that it's posted in every search thread i make. i also note that it's a two way street as well, just so expectations are set early. if you were my writing partner and fell off the face of the earth for a few months after we were doing so well, i'm obviously going to reach out. i'm going to see how you are doing, wish you well, and tell you to take your time. if i get a reply, cool! if not, oh well. i'm likely still going to be here if you decide to come back. worst case scenario, i've lost interest in my wait but maybe we can try again! and if you never come back, oh well, i'm glad i got to enjoy your company while i did. i care more about you the writer than what we're writing each and every time. if i cared more about the writing than the writer, then maybe we weren't as compatible as i thought.​

as i've seen in comments here [as well as other threads on rpn, reddit, other rp sites] some people meet the unreasonable wrath of someone for simply being a little late to reply. these are the kinds of people worth ditching, imo. and no one would blame you for doing so, given the antagonist's behaviors, right? more power to you if you call them out on their toxicity, but imo i'd just ditch them and they can deal with the aftermath.

my best advice that i can give is don't take it personally, which ik is easier said than done. once you're invested in the plot, the characters, and the person, it's hard to do so. the best you can do is mourn the loss and try to move on. overall, take care of yourself first and foremost.


i did not post this to try and be antagonizing, i have been rewriting this all morning trying to include as many points for my perspective as possible but ik i've likely missed something. please understand this is just my point of view on it, there is no right or wrong opinion to the topic of ghosting. i also do not participate in group rps so i cannot give my opinion on that.

 

[Clair Obscur]

C Clair Obscur that reminds me of some of the more unhinged messages I got from people after “ghosting”.

Like the time in a group when someone was literally in a car accident, hospitalized for months, and then the second they could safely use the computer they wrote this whole letter to the RP apologizing for “leaving”. Like Holy Moley it’s not that serious. I’m just glad your alive.

Or the time I was talking to someone they stop responding for a few minutes and were like “yeah I think I passed out or something, my bad.” Like ??!!!! Go to the hospital. Holy crap this is not that important.

Then there was this one person that had a cursed year. Like multiple deaths in the family, they got COVID, etc. each time they would be gone for awhile then pop back in like “yeah sorry my grandma died and then I got COVID so I have basically been bedridden for a month.” Like your good. It’s genuinely not that big of a deal.

(( these are obviously not the only reasons people ghost just the most unhinged explanations I have gotten after the fact. ))

Yeah, that's crazy. Situations like this it would be better for the people to have taken care of themselves first rather than feel the need to explain their situation. It's honestly not necessary. But on one hand I understand why they would do it. Given the other side of how people respond to ghosting, in this thread and all across communities, there's a certain level of pressure to say something which I don't personally think there should be.

i know that my point of view on this is going to be seen as a hot take, but personally: i believe that ghosting is not a big deal & no one owes anyone anything

like i said, i know it's a hot take and rather controversial. i've read through the post and the comments and can see where both sides come from and also see experiences i've never had. i will try to keep those in mind as i write. in my experience i have been ghosted and have ghosted. i've been roleplaying on and off since i was a kid and early on i learned about being ghosted. back then i merely thought of it as being ditched, and it hurt quite a bit. it still does as an adult, but i've accepted that being ghosted is a possibility i face no matter where i go searching for roleplays.

roleplaying is a hobby for most, a way to escape reality and responsibility for a bit. to be hounded to reply to something i look to as my escape takes that aspect away from it: it's now a chore. to be expected to note every absence can be grating, to have to give a reason why i'm not in the mood to write pushes me away. my biggest peeve that pushes me away is when people can't respect that i am busy too.

imo it's what makes finding a patient rp partner seem like finding a diamond in the rough at times, which is why i am adamant that i have become one. that's a major part as to why i am ghost friendly.

i am ghost friendly and i make sure that it's posted in every search thread i make. i also note that it's a two way street as well, just so expectations are set early. if you were my writing partner and fell off the face of the earth for a few months after we were doing so well, i'm obviously going to reach out. i'm going to see how you are doing, wish you well, and tell you to take your time. if i get a reply, cool! if not, oh well. i'm likely still going to be here if you decide to come back. worst case scenario, i've lost interest in my wait but maybe we can try again! and if you never come back, oh well, i'm glad i got to enjoy your company while i did. i care more about you the writer than what we're writing each and every time. if i cared more about the writing than the writer, then maybe we weren't as compatible as i thought.​

as i've seen in comments here [as well as other threads on rpn, reddit, other rp sites] some people meet the unreasonable wrath of someone for simply being a little late to reply. these are the kinds of people worth ditching, imo. and no one would blame you for doing so, given the antagonist's behaviors, right? more power to you if you call them out on their toxicity, but imo i'd just ditch them and they can deal with the aftermath.

my best advice that i can give is don't take it personally, which ik is easier said than done. once you're invested in the plot, the characters, and the person, it's hard to do so. the best you can do is mourn the loss and try to move on. overall, take care of yourself first and foremost.


i did not post this to try and be antagonizing, i have been rewriting this all morning trying to include as many points for my perspective as possible but ik i've likely missed something. please understand this is just my point of view on it, there is no right or wrong opinion to the topic of ghosting. i also do not participate in group rps so i cannot give my opinion on that.

I enjoyed reading your comment and I agree with you on it.

 

[Edythir]

Since you prefaced that your post would be controversial, so please allow me to speak you an antithesis.

no one owes anyone anything

True, but is a transactional nature of behavior in the best interest of everyone? Let's take a similar example. You're walking towards a building, someone opens the door in front of you and holds it open just that extra second so you can pass through too. Doesn't that automatically put a smile on most faces, a dip of the head in appreciation? Sure, that's not something you're going to remember for the rest of the day, but everyone involved came out better.

Now let's consider the flipside. Someone enters and exits, doesn't hold the door open and the door slams in front of you, or maybe you stumble forward in order to catch it? That would irritate most people would it? But the person who exited or entered doesn't owe you anything, they shouldn't have to hold the door open.

to be hounded to reply

Let's consider the same example. You are approaching a building, someone opens the door and holds it open for you. Problem is, you're like 20-30 feet away. But they hold the door open for you and look at you. Won't that make most people self conscious, they break into a jog and try to keep up because they are afraid of making someone else wait for longer than is pleasant? Like you feel like you're suddenly being the one who's rude when another is doing you a favor? Though in some instances you don't have that sense of guilt, like. Say for example you are carrying heavy boxes and your hands are full. People are much more likely to wait longer for you because holding the door open means more. It's no longer a case of you just opening the door on your own.

I see this analogy as much the same. Respect is a two way street and honesty is most often repaid. But most of all I think honesty with ourselves is what is most valuable. To know when we have too much on our plate and have the wherewithal to break away from things we cannot manage. In the same vein giving someone else the space time breathe and take in. It's all different based on what is going on. Like if I can expect an reply every one to two weeks, I likely won't ping you until a month has passed. If I get a response every 1-3 days, I likely will check in after one week.

Let's use for an example, one RP partner of mine told me "School is starting back up and I don't know how available i'll be". So I waited and a full month later I checked back in to see how their availability would be after they had settled in with the rhythm of schoolwork and they told me that the semester would be all consuming so we put the RP on an indefinite hiatus. And I appreciate that. I appreciate that they had the knowledge to tell me "No, I don't think I could reply, sorry" instead of "Well this week will be a bit busy but maybe next week?" and keep stringing me along. There's one person who hasn't responded since shortly before christmas, and if there is ever a time of the year where you'll be too busy for a hobby, that's definitely the one. But it's been three months now and all responses is "Well maybe, I don't know, next week could be it but not now". Being honest with yourself and knowing your own limits is as good of a skill, if not even better than just patience. Because if you tell me "Maybe next week" I will check in next week until I give up on you. If you tell me "I can't" I will leave you alone. If you completely disappear on me, I will try maybe once or twice, the first after maybe a week and the second a month after that.

And as stated in the post, I do this not for me. But for you. I consider myself quite forgiving with the timeframe, but after i've made a decision there's no changing my mind. So after i've decided that you've ghosted me, that bridge is gone and won't be rebuilt. I'll likely never RP with you again. But if you just tell me "I can't", don't even have to give me a reason. You can hit me up literally any time and i'll be happy to either continue what we had, have some sort of timeskip to reorient ourselves or do something completely different. I know myself and how I react to people, so the only variable in here is my partner and how they behave.

roleplaying is a hobby for most

Apropos of your earlier statement, do you consider hobbies to be transactions of lesser value so the level of respect you owe others is lesser because of that, or even the level where you don't owe anyone anything? This is not a jab nor an insult, just a genuine question. I wish to know better how you view these things. Because fundamentally I believe that we owe each eachother basic decency and respect.

I'd be interested in knowing if there is a level of a hobby where ghosting is still alright. Not just for you personally Esbees, but for other readers as well. Let's take three examples of which i believe to be escalating levels of dedication into a hobby, and I would be interested in knowing whether your opinion on ghosting just because it is a hobby and nothing is owed changes based on the level of dedication and commitment someone puts in.

1: Let's say two people meet on this site. You know nothing about the other than the collection of letters you've chosen as your nom de plume and a picture or a lack thereof that you have fancied to represent yourself visually. They set something up, and one eventually stops responding. They've been ghosted. Would you view that as okay? Judging from the topic and your response, as this is what we've been talking about, i'd venture a guess and say "Yes".

2: You're playing a TTRPG of your choice. Be it DnD or GURPS or whatever. You meet online, sit in voicechat and use roll20 for it or whatever. They go through session 0, make a character, have a short introductory sessions which involves like one combat and 2 npcs just to get people introduced. You schedule the next session and when the session rolls around, one or all don't show up. No call no show. No explenation given before or after. It's not a case of "I got held up at work" or "I overslept". Just, never responds, they ghosted completely. Would you view that as okay?

3: Same concept, TTRPG of your chosing. But this time you meet up at someone's how. For the sake of charitable argument, they are not your long time friend, not your collegue or schoolmate or whatever. You met by chance at your LGS or through facebook groups or what have you and decided to come together for a session. You go through session 0 the same as before. And the DM has pulled out all the stops. They have miniatures for you to use, have character sheets, made maps and dungeons, they have snacks and ordered pizza. Then one or all are a no call, no show. Same as before, no excuse, no circumstances. Just decided they didn't want to show up and didn't bother telling anyone about it? Would you view that as okay?

For me personally, all 3 would be a "No", with even more choice expletives towards the character of your person as we descend down the list.

I think it is prudent to reiterate one of my earlier points. You don't need to tell me that you're not into the RP for my sake, you don't need to tell me that you're not into the RP for your sake. But for the sake of all those who come before and after you. Because the less ambuguity there is between "Something is not okay" and "Someone just decided not to bother" the better you will be treated in the future. Because if you are genuinly not okay and don't respond to the RP for that reason, I will be much more inclined to wait for you however long it takes for you to recover. But if you just decide not to bother, the next person who will have something happen and recovers only to find out that the door has now been shut in their face will bear the consequences of it. Not you. Apathy hurts the victims, not me, not you. It hurts the people who have had a mental health episode, who have had a poor time at work, who have been sick or injured. And if something happens to you, too. You will be appreciative and happy to know the door still stands open by the time you can walk again because people's trust have not been eroded by another's apathy.

as well as other threads on rpn, reddit, other rp sites

Though honestly, is it just me or is Reddit consistently the worst for finding people with any quality? Like i've RPed on half a dozen mediums and about as many places per medium. From MMOs to Tabletop, MUDs, IRCs and a variety of forums. While forums each have their own thing. Like I find longform Rpers much more common here than almost anywhere else (and MMO RPers get an anurism if you write more than 300 words, amusingly). I've even had an anime-specific forum which somehow changed into almost entirely Sonic RPs despite not many people connecting sonic strongly to anime.

I've had good RPs on here and i've had RPs which I broke off in the second post. I've had people that write one liners and i've had people that gave me 5000 words and a full "Choose your own adventure" in which every single possible direction, room or action my character could have reasonable taken within a closed system was accounted for and written as a consequence. From the sewers to the attic.

But still, I have never found anyone on reddit that I wanted to continue past an hour with. Never anyone that inspired more in my creativity, never anyone that made me feel engaged or happy to RP with. And I have tried time and time again. Reddit seems to be the one and only place in which that just seems impossible. At least to my standards, and if this was any indication, I tend to write too much without really intending to so that might give you some inkling as to my RP style. But I digress.

And honestly, If I might offer you a little bit of unsolicited advice. If someone was too impatient with me. Pinged me half an hour or an hour with no reply (though some mediums are more sensitive. Like if you are on discord and reply every 10 minutes, pinging in an hour isn't too unreasonable I feel since you can just write brb and send it to notify, but I digress, again). If someone was too impatient too often, that would be grounds for me to break off the entire RP with them. It is up to them to be respectful just as it is up to me to notify them. If I notify them and still they are too pushy, i'd consider breaking things off or at least give them a warning.

I'd love to know if any of this sounded unfair. Some of it reached into hyperbole for sure, but I find it a useful example to take arguments to their logical extremes and vary the steps between what is being discussed and what lie further beyond that just to see where people draw the line, if there even is one.

 

[esbees]

i don’t think it’s quite right to equate irl interactions with online interactions so i will state now that most comparisons of them will be ignored for the sake of the argument. societal norms for both vary greatly so it feels unfair and a little ignorant to treat them like they are. excluding the obvious such as crimes and bullying, the consequences of what happens in person is different than that of the consequences online. i just want to put that out there before moving on so we can keep this in mind.

there is a LOT of text in your reply so i’m cherry picking what i believe is important to reply to to get my pov across. i apologize that i might be skipping over large chunks to get to the meat of things.

admittedly the two things you quoted of me and talk about just feel… obtuse? we agree that if someone sees me coming it’d be appreciated if they held the door open for me - but if they didn’t, oh well. they didn’t owe me that kindness and i shouldn’t expect it of a stranger. still, why are we equating irl norms to online norms? we both agree that people shouldn’t be hounded for a reply, a check in on how the other’s doing is enough and then we move on with our lives. if they’re able to come back around, that’s great! i’d love to chat with them! if not, oh well. i tried to see if the line of communication was still open and it wasn’t, so i will move on.

after that we differ because you’ve decided that the bridge between you and that potential partner is now gone after the attempt has been made. that’s fine, that’s your right and i’m not going to argue that. if the partner that did that to me decides to come back, hey, cool! welcome back, tell me how ya been and whatcha wanna do! that’s also my choice.

now, onto your examples. i didn’t really want to touch these because of what i mention in my first paragraph, but i’ll entertain the idea. you know i’m going to say ‘yes, that’s unfortunate but fine’ to the first one so why bother explaining. the second one i can actually relate to!

i played dnd in the first year or two of the pandemic in a group on discord. we were a group of four or five players? i wanna say five, but it’s been a long time. anyways we got through a lot of sessions and then one day one of our never-misses-a-session players didn’t make it, with no message to any of us. dm tried to reach out but eventually we kept playing for that session. later on we learned that that player had decided to quit on us, but we adjusted our group to compensate and moved on.

now for the third one, it feels unfair to compare this irl situation to the online ones above. both take time and effort, but to play dnd online the amount of effort just can’t be compared. inviting strangers over and feeding them includes cleaning the house, buying the food, setting up the table and the minis etc etc. it’s significantly more rude to not show with no reason - the social implications are different. i would agree that in person, they might not be welcome back to my table if i didn’t know them and was not given a reason. but it is so much more different than an online situation.

say if someone made a virtual party room and they invited all of their friends for this very specific date. it’s an online event, so if someone misses it it’s not that big of a deal. sure, it’d be disappointing but it wouldn’t be the same than if that person had planned an irl party with all of their friends and no one showed when more money and more time and effort have been put into it.

i do want to talk about your lil blurb of how one person’s actions, someone else must face the consequences.

Because the less ambuguity there is between "Something is not okay" and "Someone just decided not to bother" the better you will be treated in the future. Because if you are genuinly not okay and don't respond to the RP for that reason, I will be much more inclined to wait for you however long it takes for you to recover. But if you just decide not to bother, the next person who will have something happen and recovers only to find out that the door has now been shut in their face will bear the consequences of it.

i cannot wrap my head around passing the consequences of someone else’s actions onto the next person when they have given you no reason to treat them that way. can you not extend the same grace and kindness to this person that you gave the last? i know the internet is a wild place but even here the golden rule rings true, right?

i’m ngl i’m skipping everything about the reddit bashing, it feels rather personal - i was referencing this specific post that i saw also talking about ghosting and thought referencing that divided opinions will be everywhere.

i really do think i gave you the wrong impression because i won’t lie - your reply felt very hostile at times. maybe i’m misreading it but at the very least i feel very talked down to and not like we we’re on an even playing field. i don’t believe that i will be able to get a good discussion out of this because you feel very strongly about your side and in your words have “made up your mind.” i will let this be my last response. with that said, i am going to tack on just a few more things i feel should be noted about my side to give my perspective and then i’m going to move on.

—-

ghosting happens to everyone. i’ve been ghosted at each step of the way and it sucks. i mourn the loss but i learned early on it happens, so i’ve decided to accept it and since taking that mindset it’s less upsetting when it happens to me.

i think the first inquiring message about a roleplay should be treated like a resume and an interview. say i am reaching out to someone and really hoping for a reply back because i’m super interested! a few days go by but i see they’re still active but still haven’t responded. i’ll take it as a no and move on. if i were really, really excited about it then i might try to message them once more to see if i got accidentally buried or if they just aren’t interested. no big deal, i did my best and it wasn’t what they were looking for. i’ll try again with someone else then, the more i try the more likely i am to end up with a response.

if i feel a conversation is quickly dying after previous excitement from both parties, is it wrong to let the conversation fizzle out and ‘ghost’ that person? we tried, it didn’t work, maybe it’s best we move on. [i would like to note, this is based off of a recent experience. both of us stopped talking, i was the last message, we both moved on]

i honestly don't know what more i could say. neither of us are going to budge on our views and that's fine, i just wish i had been met with more decorum in discussing this topic. i hope you have a good one and that you're able to find great rps on here i have been pleasantly surprised by this community vs other ones i grew up on or have had more time on.

 

[faerylunala]

I'll be frank, I don't really think ghosting is that deep. I've been roleplaying for a good 15 years, and ghosting is just something that happens. I've done it, I've had it happen to me, it's just how it goes. Yeah, getting an explanation is nice, but if we are literally strangers in every sense of the word, if we aren't really even friends, why should there be such a strict expectation to discontinue the conversation by giving an explanation? I can tell you, in my past I have tried to tell people I was not interested in roleplay anymore and ended up being intimidated and bullied into continuing to the point my only option was to ghost and block the person. Yeah, that is an extreme example, but it's also not really... Entirely impossible, either? I think the reasons why people ghost are so nuanced that it's hard to expect someone to tell you why they are not interested anymore; especially if they've been through something like what I have and have fear that they will be bullied and intimidated again. And I mean, again. We're literally strangers on the internet, the expectations are significantly different compared to someone who you're friends with where an explanation is more readily seen as an expectation.

Like, yeah. Ghosting sucks. Yeah, it can be something that can hurt, but I really think that there should be acceptance in how inevitable it is and have less of an attitude to expect strangers online to explain everything. The entirety of life and living is filled with uncertainty and things just not being explained. Gaining closure is nice, sure, but I also think having acceptance that you will more than likely never get closure over everything is so important. I find expecting a stranger to me to give me a detailed explanation for why they're leaving to be a little silly. I don't really care if you leave unless we're friends.

I think maybe a better middle ground is to provide explanations in the very beginning, and have people provide a sort of "disclaimer" before roleplays are even conceived. I, personally, try to be upfront that I work a very emotionally and physically demanding job and as a result I usually don't have the energy after my 10 hour shifts to really have any coherent thoughts regarded to writing and roleplay. If that's a dealbreaker to someone, then that's fine, and I don't really care if the conversation ends after that. I can do what I am capable of by letting people know what my schedule is like, and if they find that it isn't something they are capable of dealing with because they want someone who's more active, then that's fine and we'll both find someone who matches our needs eventually. I keep my expectations minimal in the end, because as I have said, we are literal strangers to each other.

 

[Matchaicecream2025]

Nah like i hate ghosting i have fun RPing Roleplaying can help with punctuation ,Writing skills and Adding lore to Ocs
Im neurodivergent to i get super nervous because all i want is a partner who wont bale on me especially if they tell me "Oh i wont ghost you." Or whatever like? If you dont wanna rp tell me i know im not a expert or something but i try my best ok

When i dont hear from them i automatically assume they ghosted me because the communication is awful

 

[nerdy tangents]

So I think a big part of the distinction is how you interpret other people’s behavior.

For folks who are more ghost friendly we tend to accept that other people’s behavior is not a reflection on us and don’t interpret it as something being done to us.

Like if someone leaves a roleplay I’m not sat at my computer thinking, “How rude that person left me hanging/theyre ignoring me/they don’t like me/etc.”

I’m just like “welp guess that idea didn’t pan out, it’s back to the drawing board.”

Now I personally tend to over-explain whenever I’m going to be busy or unavailable, etc. but tbh that’s because I just kinda over share in general.

So I’m not trying to be polite or anything I am just being my usual chatty self.

I do say I would appreciate a heads up if possible but I’m not gonna like get all in my feelings if someone disappears without a heads up.