Futuristic Chicago 2099 (OCC)

[BarkWolfBacon]

aw dude that sucks. I have to sedation dentistry so mines never been too bad, but I was born without enamel on my teeth so they are EXTRA fucke dup

 

[Stickdom]

The guy I go to is like...an Oral surgeon god. He's done all the work on my fucked up mouth since I was like a preteen. Dude is the best.

Think you can refer me to him? My teeth are all kinda of jacked up, I need a quad-wisdom molar removal, had kinda the same thing happen and I've just been living with it for a while now XD It sucks having half a tooth back there, all the crap gets stuck in it XP

 

[BarkWolfBacon]

oh shit dude thats insane lol. Well, you'll have to drive to downtown Indianapolis, Indiana lol

 

[Chen Gong]

eHHHH. AM BAK. Had to go care for a elderly relative on short notice. Thus the absence of my hideous mug.

 

[Epiphany]

Whew, busy week. How's everyone doing?

 

[Chen Gong]

Good amount of them are inactive atm...

 

[BarkWolfBacon]

So sorry guys I had a crazy week but I'm back

 

[Epiphany]

 

[BarkWolfBacon]

HAHHAHAHAH
literally the perfect gif

 

[Epiphany]

I have my moments, every so often.

 

[Chen Gong]

I make moments by being disturbing and strange. As is the norm for one with ASD.

 

[BarkWolfBacon]

Im assuming Voland bailed as Dr. Kraine, so IDK what to do about that
I'll just keep his character and RP Kraine I guess. Stick normally doesn't vanish like this so he should be back shortly

 

[BarkWolfBacon]

I've known Stick for like 3 years lol

 

[Stickdom]

I'm here, I'm here! Just sent you a message, been a crazy week, I just started working full-time this week, been piled up and too bogged down to write anything. I'm getting a post up this weekend, feel free to go ahead and continue without Rosie for a few posts if you want, she'll go off and do her own thing and catch up when I get the chance to write it out.

 

[Chen Gong]

-DAB-

 

[Eldarkon]

finished my character finally. any thoughts?

 

[Stickdom]

finished my character finally. any thoughts?

Well, I'mma be honest with you, man, seems like a ton of overkill. We're not a murder squad (most of us at least), we're supposed to be cops and agents. You're character is basically a one man tank with over-9000 skills. I know all our characters are enhanced beyond normal human limits but I don't know if the story can really handle someone who's a walking artillery battery. I can see being a combative agent with weaponry and armour and stuff, that's all well and good, like sci-fi SWAT or something like you've got towards the end of his story there. But, his timeline skips around so much, it doesn't really make much sense with how he progresses.

A couple of characteristic personality pointers, I don't see any weaknesses. Super child-soldier. Sherlock level intelligence. Traumatic backstory. It's a bit edgy for my taste, but it can still work, it doesn't mean it's bad. With some refinement you've got a good character, but right now it seems like he's a little "too good", to the point that he wouldn't fit in with the group already assembled and it wouldn't really be much fun to have a character who's just better at everything than everyone else.

The first thing I would edit is his personality, make him a little less dark and cold. If he's a true "lone wolf" personality, he'd never be chosen to work with a group in the military or law enforcment. I come from a military background and I've seen real fighting forces in action, the lone wolves never make the cut because you need teamwork and coordination to pull off real missions and the loners get all gung-ho and get themselves blown up 9 times outta 10, so they get dropped pretty quickly. To be in a leadership position, especially one involving combat missions and special military operations, you need to have respect and cooperation to pull together a team. Going solo is cool for James Bond and all, but for a beaten-down police force, you gotta bring something to the team as a whole, not just "dark and brooding" and "good at guns" (not that that is your character's only benefit). So, I don't offer a criticism without also giving a potential solution. You can keep the tragic backstory and all if you really want, but try to give it some more depth. Ask yourself "Why was he so good with weaponry as a kid even without technology or training?" How did he discover those skills, especially in a traditional background that wouldn't have had a lot of exposure to those weapons in the first place? Why was his brother so jealous that he would kill the rest of his family rather than confront Amara directly? (to be honest, that part of his story makes no sense to me at all :/ ) When he was in the military, how did he rise through the ranks so quickly? You don't get promotions just for being a good shot, you have to be trained in multiple leadership regimens, field tactics, and some political prestige, all of which takes many years to gain. I'd say he could easily become a squad sergeant or even master sergeant with his experiences, but a commander seems just a bit too far out of reach for him to make in just 4 years, especially if he was only 16-20 years old.

Now I'm not trying to knock your character into the ground here. If this was a more heavy-duty military setting that required character to annihilate cities and engage in giant war zones, I'd say he could pass for a decent character. But with the urban sci-fi police vibes this RP is going for, he's just got too much firepower to make him fit in with the setting without just dominating everything and overturning the whole story for every other character. I'm a guy who likes a good character, I've been working on character development for nearly 20 years now, so if you wanna talk some more about ways you could change up your character and make him fit in, I will be more than happy to give you a hand, right here or in a private message or wherever you wanna work on it. I'm not gonna take over and make your character for you, I want you to be able to own it and claim it as your own character, but I have a few ideas and tips you can use that would fit your direction and help round him out as a solid character. We'd have some trimming to do, but you can still make an awesome kickass character even if you shave a few rough edges off. You won't have to scrap him, I promise, just edit and swap some stuff around, make a few personality tweaks, and flesh out some character points.

Hope this isn't discouraging or putting you down, I like the character as a whole, just not for this RP or the setting. And BarkWolfBacon has the final say, he may decide you don't need to change a thing. I'm just offering an experienced hand to you and saying that I can give you some tips that will help this character and every other character you write in the future with some fundamental writing and development work. Cheers!

 

[QizPizza]

finished my character finally. any thoughts?

There is no such thing as a double edged katana. The pic you have is a sword that I believe is called tsurugi: a double edged Japanese straight sword. I suggest changing the name for accuracy, but that's only if you decide to keep you character a badass anti-everything super soldier.

Just your daily bit of Japanese sword knowledge.

 

[QizPizza]

BTW BarkWolfBacon , is there a place I should start? I forgot to watch to thread when I first got my CS up.

 

[Gmyza]

Can I still join? This looks really good. BarkWolfBacon

 

[Epiphany]

Come back to us, BarkWolfBacon !

 

[Epiphany]