A Brain In Chains [Inactive]

Xavier was right about one thing. He needed sleep, but that thought alone nearly paralyzed him with fear. 'It's only a matter of time.' He told himself. Panic was starting to get to him. He did his best not to let it show but the harder he tried the more things became difficult. The fog was coming, he was beginning to feel dazed. He knew the tunnel vision would hit him soon if he wasn't careful. "But Xavier, how can you watch over me if you're seeing things too?" He struggled to get the sentence out. He wasn't sure that was the right thing to say, but at this moment he wasn't sure about anything. It was becoming to hard to focus. If he strained much more he might just pass out.
 
"Wait!" Tanner pretty much shouted, jumping up and running into the hallway. The sound of him dragging something could be heard soon after. He showed back up with his small mattress and pushed it into the room, lying it flat down. His bag was on his back, holding a pencil and a small sketchbook. 'It's small enough, and we could hide it under the bed.' he thought. "Shifts.' he said out loud, hoping this could help the situation out. "We can take shifts."
 
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Xavier actually paused and felt the little whirlwind in his mind slow down just slightly. Ben was right there, he couldn't help anyone if he was having trouble. And he was, even if his "friend" was denying it and telling Xavier to make Ben go away, and that Ben was bad. A few seconds went by of lucid thinking for him, and Xavier ran a hand through his hair tiredly. "Don't get the nurses, they'll want to tell my grandma and she'll be upset," he said and slowly got off the bed, standing almost like he didn't trust his movements before going and sitting on the floor in front of his desk. Opening the bottom drawer, he pulled out a small pill bottom to show to Ben. "It's always in here, for emergencies," he explained while he pulled two small pills out. Sighing again, Xavier put the pills in his mouth and swallowed before he could change his mind. The effect wasn't instant, but Xavier could start telling what was real and what wasn't. "I'll watch you and make sure you're ok. We don't need to go in shifts, you can go back to your room if you want. You've already helped a lot and we wouldn't want to burden you," Xavier said, looking over at Tanner and smiling just slightly.
 
"Do you want me to?" Tanner asked, sitting down on the mattress. He was grateful to be speaking at all. And, he felt a lot safer here than he ever did before. But that would be up to Xavier, and he waited quietly for the answer, tugging on the threads on the hem of his scrubs. He then reached for his bag, pulling out his supplies. He opened the book to the last thing he was drawing, a beautiful depiction of a white flower, spotted with droplets of a grey liquid.
 
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Xavier shrugged and move to sit on the edge of Tanner's mattress, not really in the mood to get up or gt to his own bed. "I don't really care, but it's Ben's decision 'cause it's his dreams we'd be guarding against."
 
Tanner looked at the boy and smiled, knowing he was trying to be nice. "If Ben wants me to go, I'll go." He remarked, looking him in the eyes. "No one can get us here." he then went back to shading the outline of a feather, a nice grey color.
 
Ben let out a sigh of relief as Xavier finally 'came to'. However all he could manage for the moment was a quick smile, and "good." He stood up nearly falling over immediately and began scrambling around. His vision was poor now, anything he focused on was surrounded by fuzzy blackness. "You...you can..." He was attempting to talk to Tanner but he was getting worse by the second his words were struggled and confused. He took a step forward, to what he hoped was his bed. Suddenly his vision went black, and his hearing was muffled. He felt a strange sensation like being pulled down but it seem to happen so slowly. As if he was sinking in a thick liquid. The sensation stopped when he felt his body come into contact with a flat surface. After that his mind couldn't register a thing. It gave up. Shut down and Ben had collapsed to the floor and passed out. His mind slowly consumed by darkness. '72 hours' Was his last cohesive thought.
 
Xavier was watching Tanner draw, amazed at all the little details, when he heard Ben start muttering. His head snapped up and he barely registered that Ben was falling until he hit the floor. "Oh my God!" Xavier jumped up and instantly regretted it as dizziness took over. He gritted his teeth and hurried over to his roommate though, a slight feeling of relief when he saw his chest rising and falling in the steady rhythm of sleep. Deciding not to risk waking him up, Xavier took all the blankets from Ben's bed and put them on top of him, sliding a pillow carefully under his head. After that was all done, he returned to sit on Tanner's mattress and, after several seconds, asked, "You think he's ok?"
 
Tanner looked at Ben, then at Xavier. "For now." he said, continuing his drawing. He scooted closer to Xavier, bouncing slightly on his mattress. "We can watch him together." he said, never looking up. He'd wanted to pick Ben up and place him in the bed, but that would lead to him screaming his head off. That would wake Ben up and the cycle would start again. So, he chose to just sit next to Xavier, drawing things that never existed.
 
"I think I understand what you're getting at, although I'm a little different." Noah responded, shifting his gaze to the floor. "I've always let other people make decisions for me, even if I didn't like it. My life has been ruled for me, and...for a long while I thought I was content with that. That it was okay to not be happy as long as I didn't upset or disappoint everyone else. But...lately I've been starting to wonder what it would be like if I were different." He swallowed. "Not that that means I'll actually do anything about it, of course. I'm too afraid of what others think to go against them, so it's pointless for me to think about. My disorder, which I guess is the best word for it, rules my life too..." Noah shook his head and cleared the emotional tightness in his throat. "S-Sorry, I went completely off topic there. Um...you can just ignore everything I just said, I-I didn't mean to put that all on you."
 
Xavier nodded, still watching Ben for a few seconds then turning his attention to Tanner who somehow seemed closer. Shrugging it off, Xavier found that he didn't really mind being that close to Tanner and it surprised him. Not in a bad way, but a pleasant surprise. Most of the time he stayed away from other people, or they stayed away from him, and it was nice to be comfortable around someone. He smiled inwardly, watching Tanner draw.
 
Quinn shakes his head slowly, having trouble comprehending it all. He's never had conversations as lengthy as these-- his head is spinning from all of their words. "I won't ignore it. I don't want to ignore it. You... sound like you need someone to listen to you, instead of talking at you. Maybe here, with new people, you can stop caring about what everyone else thinks and just be Noah." He would really like to just be Quinn-- but Quinn is a boy who would prefer to stay in his room with his books all day. Apparently, he's not allowed to be that Quinn. Maybe he can make a new Quinn.
 
Speechless, Noah found himself glancing up and looking Quinn in the eye for the first time. It was only a brief glimpse before his gaze shifted just the slightest away, but it was enough for him to realize that the other wasn't lying. Having someone really listen and care about what he was talking about was more heartening than he ever thought possible. While he was still a little uneasy at the thought of how there were many other people he would more than likely have to face, maybe this place could help him after all. In a way, it already had because of Quinn.


"I...I can't thank you enough for saying that, Quinn. Maybe you're right...maybe this place can help me, which means I think it will help you too. If there's hope for me then there's definitely hope for you." He stated with a genuine smile.
 
Tanner flipped the page and pressed his pencil down. He wanted to get them right the first time, memorize them. He wasn't sure what was driving him to do this, but he had no doubt that it was good. That Xavier was good. Because, this is how he felt with his mother...safe. He formed the shapes on the paper, calculating the arches and shadows. He shaded and flecked, losing himself in his task entirely. When he finished he smiled brightly, knowing that he got them right. "Pretty." he said out loud, looking at the set of eyes. He then closed his sketch book, content for now. But he wasn't done. Not just yet.
 
Quinn is momentarily stunned by the smile. It hadn't happened until now-- at least, not a real one, like this was. He bites his lip and looks down at his lap, hiding his own smile. He'd like to believe what Noah says is true, but how do you 'cure' an intense love of books? Is it really necessary to cure it at all? To be fair, this is one of his good days- he's in an okay mood, he has a book in the wide pocket of his hoodie for emergencies, and he's talking to a boy who, although claiming he's got problems too, is rather sweet and entertaining, and cute. No, not cute. Just sweet and entertaining. A memory comes back to him-- age seven. Asking his father if boys are allowed to kiss boys too.


'Why not, Daddy?'


'Because it's wrong, Quinn. It's sick. Those kinds of people aren't okay. If anyone like that tries to kiss you, you tell me, and I'll take care of it.'


"Still not sure if I want help. Last time I had 'help', they decided that it would be best if they took all of my books away from me. Sounds funny, doesn't it? Parents upset because their kid reads too much?" He chuckles quietly but it's without mirth. "But I'm done talking about all of that. I've never been one to wallow." That long-ago conversation with his dad whirls around in his head, and his face pales. It hadn't been a problem before. He wasn't around people, and definitely not other boys. But here? Surrounded by hundreds of other teenagers? It's going to be hard to ignore it.
 
Xavier tried peeking over Tanner's shoulder in a not-so-subtle fashion, not really wanting to be nosy but still curious as to what had the older boy so concentrated. When he closed the book and put it away, Xavier put on his best Look-at-me,-I'm-so-innocent face. "Hey Tanner, what ya drawin'?"
 
Tanner looked at Xavier, finding his face to be a little too sweet. "A fox." he replied, leaning over and grabbing his teddy bear. "Why do you...you know...drift away?" he asked, beginning to sound less like a victim and more like a survivor. There was a slight change, his voice firmer and clearer. He was glad to be able to speak his mind, though he wasn't sure how long it would last.
 
"Alright. I'm sure you've been forced to talk about it more than enough in the past anyway. I'm far from an expert about these things anyway." Noah commented. He paused, observing the other. Quinn's face seemed to have list a bit of its color suddenly, making him worry. Was he sick? Noah's hand started to raise, as if about to reach out, but then he quickly put it down when he realized what he had been about to do. He had always avoided any physical contact before; why had he felt the urge to do that?


Because he was concerned, that was all. It was only naturally to want to feel someone's temperature if they didn't seem well, right? Something nagged at the back of his mind and insisted that there was more to it, but he tried to ignore it. Quinn was more important at the moment. "Are you alright?" He asked.
 
Xavier noticed how Tanner's demeanor changed from small to be more bold and strong. 'It's a good change for Tanner', Xavier thought to himself, taking in the new bold look in Tanner's eyes and lean build. He briefly wondered what he had gone through to make him who he was, but pushed it aside at the question. "I have schizophrenia," he admitted, but for the first time he didn't feel ashamed of letting Tanner know. "I drift away because the medicine that stops me from having episodes makes my head foggy, and taking it is like admitting something is wrong." He looked down at his lap, noticing that his fingers had started tapping out a rhythm on their own.
 
Quinn lowers his eyes to the floor. Noah's are a very bright green and they make him feel things that his father has told him are very, very wrong. He can't meet his gaze now. Especially not after noticing just how close Noah had come to setting his hand over Quinn's forehead, or maybe he reached out to touch his cheek-- No. "Mm-hmm. They put me on meds but I stopped taking them because the only good it does is make me feel out of it," he lies. The medicine part wasn't a lie, but that's not the reason he suddenly feels sick to his stomach. He tries to act like he's perfectly alright for Noah's sake- what if he thinks Quinn is having second thoughts about being his friend? That would be terrible. "I'm fine. I'm just getting used to it still. Apryxol takes a while to get out of my system."


((Made up 'Apryxol', by the way, it's not a real medicine.))
 
"Trying to start a beat for a musical?" Tanner laughed. He thought about Xavier's condition and couldn't help but feel a pang of sadness. He was nice, and kind, and had a genuine appeal to him. Yet, it all had to be dulled down to stay sane...


"I have PTSD." He told Xavier with shockingly clear lucidity. "I'm also terrified of people...and being touched..." he felt himself receding back, scared that Xavier would think he wasn't good enough...he knew he wasn't good enough to be anything to anyone.


'Except you. I can touch you.' he though, clutching Maurice to his chest.
 
Noah hesitated before giving a single nod. Something about Quinn's answer hadn't sounded quite right, but he decided that he was just being paranoid an accepted it. "If you're sure...I hope you get used to it soon then, If you ever need a nurse or anything though, just tell me and I'll help." He promised. Only after he was done talking did he realize what he had just said: he was willing to go speak with a stranger on his own for Quinn's sake. Even more surprising, Noah found that he meant it.
 
Xavier glanced over at Tanner out of the corner of his eye, smiling at the joke a little and willing his fingers to stop. It was partly bad habit, but also partly his medication's fault. He didn't get offended at the joke though like he thought he would, but instead it made him feel just a little better.


He turned his attention straight ahead though when Tanner explained what he had, thinking and processing what he had said. Finally, not knowing what else to say, Xavier said, "I'm sorry. You must have gone through something terrible," he spoke quietly, fearing that he would say something wrong. Then he smiled at Tanner, his eyes still looking somber even through the smile. "But it's ok now. You're a kind person that helped a crazy stranger like me, so I know you'll get better and be happy someday."
 
Quinn smiles, more with relief that Noah hadn't questioned him further. "You're very good at being a friend for not having very many," he says quietly, the smile growing a little. "You're not awkward, or strange, or any of the things that you probably think you are." At least, not around Quinn. Maybe he's only good with one-on-one conversations. Quinn doesn't mind. He doesn't like parties, or crowds, or any sort of group either. In fact, just Quinn and Noah sounds pretty good to him.


Quinn hated school. Everybody trying to impress everybody else, or make the losers feel bad. Quinn qualified as a nobody, and so he was ignored. There's none of that pretentiousness here. It's easy, simple, straight-forward. It's a wonderful change.
 
Tanner smiled, then did the unexpected. He hugged his new friend. He knew that it was going to be a rough time, but he also knew there was someone to be there through it with him. Even if they hadn't said it, there was a connection there and he would treasure it as long as he could.
 
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