I don't like getting into fights. I do enjoy an argument/discussion/debate, provided people are civil about it and are trying to reach a thought out conclusion to it. But fighting, or arguing in any other form tag the previously described? That just leaves me in a horrible mood, can put me in a slump for days. But it still happens, quite a bit. Maybe because I'm just dense or it's the way i approach problems... I don't know. But it has taught me that I am more sensitive than i ever expected to be. While in many areas it's really hard to make as much as wink, in other aspects I can easily get hurt. Seeing someone hurt or sick easily gets me to feels shivers. Feelings of guilt are common and lasting. And Childish as it may be, when I feel pushed aside, it cuts deeper than my reason tells me it should. Because of that, I am really not competitive. I don't like the idea of being judged and compared. I don't like the idea that someone may come to me and reject me in favor of another as if I was discardable. Because I have absolute certainty that i am not discardable, but the feeling can still linger.
Of course, this is the tip of the iceberg of things I have relefected about myself- and like all others, it may be complete BS. I am not a psychologist and even if I was I doubt I'd have the qualifications to analyze my own personality , goals, drives...
But I still think it goes to show that there is a weight to a feeling of exclusion (which many, if not all of you who read this are likely also aware about). As previously mentioned in my other status update, I have a rather...well, unique way of going about my roleplays. I like to plan them out, I believe we are suppose fit become the character rather than just write them, and want rules for everything. Rather than experience I rely on research and thought (for the most part). Among other things...
However, I notice other roleplayers aren't quite on the same page about it. This is my way of doing things, my comfort zone, yet I find it nowehere except in what I make. But in what's i make, I can barely get people to relunctantly go with it- and even then, it rarely lasts in any way shape or form.
Of course, nobody is obliged to do things my way. And in fact, if they don't want to, it's likely that we're all actually better off if people don't force themselves for it. But it's not something I can just drop. My way of doing things takes root from a combination of much of my experience and personality , things I can't just snap my fingers and boom they changed. Yet if I don't, then I'll always be searching for something I fear i amy never find- my way of doing things is after all , unique. It's quite specific and I am yet to meet anyone with such tastes yet.
At first I could afford to say "oh this group doesn't like me, I'll try the next" or "this doesn't roleplay didn't go as planned, I'll tweak it a little for my next one" or "oh it's the holidays killing my stuff".... But I do try it over and over again and I see patterns, I see things that at once i can't change, but also seem to be at the root of the problem, my very inclinations in the way I do things. Every time I get into a fight and ruin the mood or one of my roleplay dies because nobody is posting, etc... Ican get over it, for the most part. But the weight only grows. I feel like , in time, I'll either be eternally stuck searching for a way to do a rolepaly the way that I like or will end up leaving roleplaying altogether, from the sheer fact that it hurts to think about it, that it hurts to understand more and more each time , that the way I do things will not be corresponded. People have tried, but for those that didn't give up, the reluctance is still obvious.
This is getting a bit too long again, but I think I reached the point where I can break before one last update on this sequence. people reading may think I'm whining - and in a sense, I am- but I think that this is something I ought to put out there. That although it isn't anyone's fault I can feel isolated or pushed aside by the fact i can't find anyone who shares this interest in planning and oiling things out that I do (and those other aspects I also mentioned). It hurts because of that.
Of course, this is the tip of the iceberg of things I have relefected about myself- and like all others, it may be complete BS. I am not a psychologist and even if I was I doubt I'd have the qualifications to analyze my own personality , goals, drives...
But I still think it goes to show that there is a weight to a feeling of exclusion (which many, if not all of you who read this are likely also aware about). As previously mentioned in my other status update, I have a rather...well, unique way of going about my roleplays. I like to plan them out, I believe we are suppose fit become the character rather than just write them, and want rules for everything. Rather than experience I rely on research and thought (for the most part). Among other things...
However, I notice other roleplayers aren't quite on the same page about it. This is my way of doing things, my comfort zone, yet I find it nowehere except in what I make. But in what's i make, I can barely get people to relunctantly go with it- and even then, it rarely lasts in any way shape or form.
Of course, nobody is obliged to do things my way. And in fact, if they don't want to, it's likely that we're all actually better off if people don't force themselves for it. But it's not something I can just drop. My way of doing things takes root from a combination of much of my experience and personality , things I can't just snap my fingers and boom they changed. Yet if I don't, then I'll always be searching for something I fear i amy never find- my way of doing things is after all , unique. It's quite specific and I am yet to meet anyone with such tastes yet.
At first I could afford to say "oh this group doesn't like me, I'll try the next" or "this doesn't roleplay didn't go as planned, I'll tweak it a little for my next one" or "oh it's the holidays killing my stuff".... But I do try it over and over again and I see patterns, I see things that at once i can't change, but also seem to be at the root of the problem, my very inclinations in the way I do things. Every time I get into a fight and ruin the mood or one of my roleplay dies because nobody is posting, etc... Ican get over it, for the most part. But the weight only grows. I feel like , in time, I'll either be eternally stuck searching for a way to do a rolepaly the way that I like or will end up leaving roleplaying altogether, from the sheer fact that it hurts to think about it, that it hurts to understand more and more each time , that the way I do things will not be corresponded. People have tried, but for those that didn't give up, the reluctance is still obvious.
This is getting a bit too long again, but I think I reached the point where I can break before one last update on this sequence. people reading may think I'm whining - and in a sense, I am- but I think that this is something I ought to put out there. That although it isn't anyone's fault I can feel isolated or pushed aside by the fact i can't find anyone who shares this interest in planning and oiling things out that I do (and those other aspects I also mentioned). It hurts because of that.
XD 
Lets make that 100 and 1 
