Baphomet
Baphomet
I am Baphomet! Fear me! For I am a cute little goat creature! I have come here to take over! You will all bow down to my adorableness!
I am all-powerful! I was once asked, if I'm all-powerful, can I create a boulder that I can't move? The answer is, yes! They retorted, but, if you can't move it, how can you be all-powerful? I then un-created the boulder. Like that! Ta-da!
Now that I have earned your respect, you are now mine. You belong to me. You are now my family, and I will love you unconditionally! Deal with it, because there's no escape! MwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahAhhahHaaAhhHaHaaHhAhahAahhaa!
*wheeze* *cough*
Ahem...
Anyways...
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Ah...
I see...
Yes, yes...
OK, you're qualified! You are now my general. You will go forth and conquer in my name!
Conquer what? Why, everyone's hearts, of course! We must spread more love, even if by violence! So go, grab your war gear, and conquer!
When you're done with that, please, have a cup of hot cocoa with me. I prepared it myself. It is very delicious.
What, more war? No! No more war! We have already conquered all the love. It is already all mine! Now relax, damnit, and sit and be my friend.
What? Me? You want to know more about me? Why, you can check out the about me in my profile! I set that up already. I even included a writing sample!
What's a profile you ask? What's the internet? Why, my young demon, you have much to learn about the Earth. Let me teach you!
*Shows plum* This is a grape. I learned about these from the humans. If you squish them, they give a cute, satisfying yelp. Don't eat them though, they are very poisonous!
*Shows turtle* This is a turtle. A vicious, man-eating creature made of nothing but muscle, bone and steel. It is even dangerous to us! But isn't it adorable, like me?
*Shows naughty photo of two men* And this is how human babies are made! That man puts that thing in there. Then the baby comes out a few weeks later. It's how humans have so many of themselves on the planet. Isn't it fascinating?
*Shows artist's rendition of the concept of boredom* This is a bowl of cereal. It is a staple food for humans. It is prepared, traditionally, by gathering many fish, I'll teach you about fish later, and jumping on them ceremoniously. The substance that comes out of the fish is called sadness. The humans pour the sadness over the bowl. That is one of their main sources of sustenance.
*Shows fish* *Shudders* OK, maybe we'll save fish for another time. That one gives me nightmares.
Don't you feel so much more informed about humans now? Yeah? You want to go make friends?! That makes me so happy! Let's go make friends!
Hello you. Yes, you. The one reading this. Will you be friends with my little demon buddy? He is looking for new friends! Please be his friend! Don't make me get a fish! >
I am all-powerful! I was once asked, if I'm all-powerful, can I create a boulder that I can't move? The answer is, yes! They retorted, but, if you can't move it, how can you be all-powerful? I then un-created the boulder. Like that! Ta-da!
Now that I have earned your respect, you are now mine. You belong to me. You are now my family, and I will love you unconditionally! Deal with it, because there's no escape! MwahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaHahahAhhahHaaAhhHaHaaHhAhahAahhaa!
*wheeze* *cough*
Ahem...
Anyways...
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Ah...
I see...
Yes, yes...
OK, you're qualified! You are now my general. You will go forth and conquer in my name!
Conquer what? Why, everyone's hearts, of course! We must spread more love, even if by violence! So go, grab your war gear, and conquer!
When you're done with that, please, have a cup of hot cocoa with me. I prepared it myself. It is very delicious.
What, more war? No! No more war! We have already conquered all the love. It is already all mine! Now relax, damnit, and sit and be my friend.
What? Me? You want to know more about me? Why, you can check out the about me in my profile! I set that up already. I even included a writing sample!
What's a profile you ask? What's the internet? Why, my young demon, you have much to learn about the Earth. Let me teach you!
*Shows plum* This is a grape. I learned about these from the humans. If you squish them, they give a cute, satisfying yelp. Don't eat them though, they are very poisonous!
*Shows turtle* This is a turtle. A vicious, man-eating creature made of nothing but muscle, bone and steel. It is even dangerous to us! But isn't it adorable, like me?
*Shows naughty photo of two men* And this is how human babies are made! That man puts that thing in there. Then the baby comes out a few weeks later. It's how humans have so many of themselves on the planet. Isn't it fascinating?
*Shows artist's rendition of the concept of boredom* This is a bowl of cereal. It is a staple food for humans. It is prepared, traditionally, by gathering many fish, I'll teach you about fish later, and jumping on them ceremoniously. The substance that comes out of the fish is called sadness. The humans pour the sadness over the bowl. That is one of their main sources of sustenance.
*Shows fish* *Shudders* OK, maybe we'll save fish for another time. That one gives me nightmares.
Don't you feel so much more informed about humans now? Yeah? You want to go make friends?! That makes me so happy! Let's go make friends!
Hello you. Yes, you. The one reading this. Will you be friends with my little demon buddy? He is looking for new friends! Please be his friend! Don't make me get a fish! >