Journal Vent Space: if you relate, lets cry together

[Shawdios]

I feel stuck

I want to work on my RP replies
But I’m just not...
Able to focus and get them done
I glance at the google doc
And then fuck off to YouTube to watch something

Hell,
Right now!
I’m typing a rant instead of working on a reply.

I’m doing everything but writing
And I feel bad that I haven’t drawn in a while
I’ve got drawing requests I never finished

God fuckig damnit
I can’t even get myself to use a bad coping mechanism
It’s just too much of a hassle
To be worth it

I’d have to close my door
Hunt down some brushes
Sit and get a paper towel ready
Hype myself up to bring a brush to canvas
Then clean up spilt paint

And id only feel worse afterward
It’s too much effort

I’ve had such a busy week
And now that I’m free today?
I’m just staring at the ceiling
Or watching YouTube shorts
Laying in bed

I can’t get myself to do anything
I’ve got no music to play
Because my MP3 player went kaput and wiped the SD card

I’m just
Stuck

I don’t want to talk to people
But I also desperately crave a connection
I want to go out and be with a person

Actually
Ima go sit on the porch.
Give me a second.

Spoiler: Proof I’m outside, if you care that much

It’s actually nice out here
Well damn.

 

[Shawdios]

Oh in case you’re curious

I do not go back to what I type
While I’m typing
This shit is all linear

I go back afterwards
To fix any typos that are critical
Ie: autocorrect changing RP to “to”
or any word autocorrect screws up

If I repeat myself?
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Whoopsy

Actually
Most rants I put up are not changed as I write
Some are
But that’s because they were originally written on paper
And I typed it up to put in here

Other than that
Unfiltered brain

It actually is really nice outside
I’m sitting comfortably in a turtleneck and shorts
And I’m not hot or cold

It helps that the turtleneck is really soft and breathable
And not made of wool

This is actually my first time wearing this turtleneck
Since I thrifted it

Oh shit there’s a wasp

Spoiler: Wasp

O-0
Not sure where he went
Uhhhhhhh

Anyway
I’m actually really liking this turtleneck
It’s not a fuzzy soft
But just a soft
It’s not rough and scratchy
Or thick
It’s very stretchy
And also big around my torso

It’s made of a very pleasant to feel string
Or fabric?
Not sure what it would be classified as
I’ll add a photo

Spoiler: Turtleneck fabric

Holly fuck that wasp is fucking huge
What the shit
I’m changing seats

Never the mind it just zoomed by
I’ll stay put

back to the turtleneck
It might be one of my favorites now
And yes
I love turtlenecks
I find the pressure of the perfect turtleneck around my neck pleasant
I also find the pressure of a stretchy one around my arms pleasant

I like clothing that squeezes
Except when it’s my torso
Then it’s not fun
For reasons that honestly should be kinda known in this thread by now

I love holding snakes
Because they coil around my arm
And the pressure is pleasant
I like feeling squished
I dont know how else to describe it

Not sure when I should end this

I wanna just keep rambling

I feel like the turtleneck is hated on way too much
They are a pleasant clothing to wear if done right
Wool?
Oh hell nah
Get that shit away
Too hot here for wool turtlenecks
but a thin, stretchy breathable material?
That’s not scratchy?

Chiefs kiss

Don’t even get me started on the prices of new clothing
holy fucking shit
20$ - 30$ for a shirt??
Fuck.
That.
I’m going to goodwill or a town thrift-store

I can get nearly ten shirts for that price
Depending on the thrift store

Can you tell I’m not from a wealthy family?

I also don’t get everyone’s big deal with name brand shit
Clothing specifically

Shoes are shoes
So what if that one says converse on it?
I got the comfiest pair of shoes I’ve ever worn
(black boots that go to my ankles
They zipper up and have laces)
From a thrift store for five bucks

I haven’t worn anything brand new in who knows how long
And I nearly had a breakdown
when my grandmother took me to a sears
(or some shit)
a couple years back for my birthday
after giving me a 30$ gift card for the place

Why did I nearly have a breakdown I hear you ask?
Because everything was 10+ dollars.
And “why the fuck does it cost that much?!”

I have issues when It comes to people spending money on me.
And just
Money in general

I will always pick the cheapest option
If I’m picking something on your dime

Meanwhile with my own money

I recently dropped 160$ on video game soundtrack vinyls
That I can’t even play on anything
Because I don’t got a record player

I cringe at prices
and depending on who’s money it is
I’ll either tell myself
“Fuck it let’s buy it” or “BITCH OH HELL NAH”

I felt so horrible when my best friend got me a 30$ plushie for my birthday
When I couldn’t get them something for their own birthday that year

Even when it’s family
My own Mother or Dad
Treating me to something
I’ll pick the cheeper option
(That my mother would approve of if im with her)

99 cent icecream at a gas station?
Hell yeah!
4$ waffle cone at brusters?
Fuck no!

It hurts to see the bill
For groceries
Or for anything that isn’t paid for with my own money
Because god damn it
They just spent that much on stuff for me

Now.
Thrift stores.
I don’t feel the same amount of pain
When I’m spending other people’s money at them

Ten dollars for two pairs of outfits and a shirt?
Maybe a little feeling bad
But not much!

I love the dollar racks or “items with ___ color tag are 1$!” days

Five shirts for 5$?
Fuck yeah
I’ve found some of my most favorite clothes for a dollar

I’m a cheep bastard
Born and raised

 

[Shawdios]

Lmao
Guess who was sitting in a car that got rear ended and hit their head?!

✌︎_[⊙ω⊙]

Now sitting and waiting for cops.

So we are the third car involved
Middle car got hit and shoved forward enough to hit us
Van hit middle car

Now missing beekeeping meeting we were on our way to and made food for

٩( ᐛ )و

Having a fucking blast.

 

[Shawdios]

(Wrote this last night, phone locked for the night before I could post it)

Police finally arrived two and a half hours later, things are just about finished being resolved.
We aren’t at fault at all, we were last car to be hit.
Middle car has most damage.
We’ve only got some paint missing.
Van that hit middle car is at fault.

I’m not injured, mild bruise on the back of my head at most and my mother (who was driving) is fine as well.

So uh yeah, my nights been ruined.
At least I can eat this banana bread all on my own now ✌︎('ω'✌︎ )

Maybe I’ll watch a movie, not sure.

<now next morning me writing>

Passed out during movie
Decided to watch Guardians of the Galaxy
Since the third one was out

Woke up and my back and neck were sore
That may have been from how I fell asleep on the couch
Or from my bed
I dont know
Anyways
I’m fine!

 

[Shawdios]

Ello there fuckers.
I’m on my Aromanticism is not Asexuality bullshit again!

Spoiler: Definitions, in case you do not know:

Aromantic means the person has little to none romantic attraction. (Doesn’t desire to go on a date or be in a relationship, but may still be interested in “friends with benefits”)

Asexual means the person has little to none sexual attraction. (Doesn’t desire to have Sex with their partner or anyone, but is still interested in a relationship and going on dates)

Mind you, both of these are spectrums! The examples in parentheses are not one size fits all.

I was reminded of a toxic friend I had
And it’s got me thinking about our interactions

I’m not sure how much of her interactions with me were fake
So we’re gonna ignore that train of thought
And take everything at face value!

We were often pulling sexual innuendos
On each other
I would intentionally try to fluster her
And she would try as well

I was the only one who ever succeeded
Mostly.
Because there is a difference between me panicking
About getting in trouble with my mother because of what Toxic said
Than going “oh ShiT >\\\\\\<“

But I did find flustering her very fun and enjoyable
Because goddamnit
I can make someone flustered with just my voice?
The fucking power rush that gives you
Holly shit.

We also were semi-joking semi-serious
about being friends with benefits
if we were able to sneak off from parental view

Mind you
We never did anything
Because we never got the chance
Due to her mother always giving some last minute bullshit excuse
(Whether Toxic asked her mother to do that, i don't know)

I also was not the one who initiated
The sexual innuendos/flirting
She was.
I’m older by one and half years.
But I often forget
“Hey you’re going on 16 now! You’re not 14 anymore!”

Still a minor, but not just out of middle school either
Like she was.

I met her at a summer camp (held at a very religious college)
While dealing with the cut off of a friend
And she liked (latched onto) what I had been working on with said friend
So I had a person who cared about
what I was really longing to ramble about to someone

She grew physically affectionate
And she often leaned on me when sitting next to her
Or used me as a pillow (my stomach or side)
Linked arms
Doing my hair
Leaned her chin on my shoulder to see what I was working on

I am not used to that.
But I liked it
I viewed it as platonic affection
And it was similar to what I saw in media as girls just being girls

She also admitted she had a crush on me
back in the one year
we had been going to a homeschool co-op together
(We were like 11-12ish at the time)

Which.
Again.
I dont know
If she was lying

Because of my low self esteem
I can’t really imagine someone having a crush on me
So when she said it
It felt so good to hear!
I could be liked!
I wasn’t just a weird kid!
I wasn’t just an annoying bitch!

And I guess that’s why I clung so hard to our friendship

But would she have called it that?
if we weren’t in conservative religious households?

...Would I have?

Would It have been the experience that either solidified or demolished my ace identity?

I dont know.

I don’t know what a friend is anymore.
Or what a best friend is
No one has ever stuck around.

Except one, but if I get caught in contact with them?
I’ll lose my phone because my mother knows they’re queer

I spiraled.
Whoops
What was my point

Oh yeah
I’m Aromantic Asexual-spec (Cupiosexual)
But I often just call myself AroPan
Because explaining what I mean by Ace-spec
(and by proxy, Cupiosexual)
Takes too long and I’m not exactly sure myself

My Toxic friend (or “Ex” as I sometimes feel it applies)
is the sole reason why I question my sexuality
and feel fake if I say I’m Ace.

 

[Shawdios]

I hate how my tone shifts
You can see it in these rants

i over analyze everything

I just wanna scream out everything that’s bothering me
But I can’t put them into words
Words that would make any sense i mean

I don’t know what’s right or wrong
I’m just trying to live life without harming people

And I realize how that sounds
But I mean it in the sense that I don’t want to be something that’s a cause of any hurt

I want to exist and enjoy myself
But not harm anyone with what I do

But no mater what I do
Someone is going to be hurt

Just tell me what the hell im doing wrong so I can fix it

I hate how I feel the need to over-explain myself for everything
I hate how I’m constantly apologizing
I hate how I’m so so so fake with everything

I don’t know what my actual beliefs are
I don’t know who I want to be
I don’t know why I do things

I cant describe my feelings or put words to my experiences.
I hide everything
I want to expose everything
ive no clue what my needs are
I’ve no clue what I want
I forget to eat
I emotionally crash if I’m waiting for a friend to text back
I don’t know what to do half the time

I don’t know
I don’t know
I don’t know so much

When actually I do
I know I need to do things
But I don’t do them

I know I need to eat
But I’m busy
So I push it off

I know I need to write a reply to my RP partner
But I push it off
Because I’m not feeling up to it

I need someone to tell me what to do
I want someone to force me to do things
I want structure

I don’t want so many choices
I need
1 or 2?
I need Yes or No
No inbetween
No dancing around the answer
No emotion padding the answer
I need a reason why that makes sense

I don’t know what I’m trying to tell with this
I don’t know what I mean
Because there’s always execptions
I just want things to make sense

I want to know someone’s honest thoughts
I want to know what thoughts are my own
And not what I have to think to get by in my community
I want to be honest
But I lie so much to people

I claim to be a writer but I can’t convey my thoughts
All of this feels like I’m not explaining it right
I don’t want a “it’s okay! You’re okay to be like this”
I want to know what I need to do
So that I’m not unhappy
So that people around me aren’t unhappy
So that I can not be annoying
Or overthink

What do I need to do
Just tell me

Don’t dance around the topics
Don’t be crptric
Explain so I can do it properly

Tell me what I’m doing wrong
What is my mistake
What did I do
Don’t make me guess
Tell me
So that I can fix whatever it is
What’s wrong with me that you have a problem with?
What can I do to fix things

Is it worth my misery
For your cryptic games?

I’m the fuck up
I know that
I embrace that
But just tell me what i need to do

Do I need to clean the bathroom to let me play games?

Give me a broken down list of small tasks and an exact guide

I’ll be a sheep if I’m no longer confused

I’ll complain
But I’ll do the task in the end
Just don’t buckle
And tell me if I missed anything
Don’t keep that from me and harbor anger because I missed it

Actually
Fuck it
Life is too hard to keep up with
Force me to do everything
I don’t want thoughts
I don’t want an opinion
If I have to push back and be miserable

Why the hell cant I be a functioning person
What the fuck
Normal people don’t deal with this
They don’t crave structure and hate it at the same time
They don’t wish to be a tool that’s told what to do
They’re not stuck drifting through life
wishing they could get themselves to do what they want to do
when they have the option

Raw unfiltered thought y’know
Fuck
Why am I like this

 

[Shawdios]

Hi
yes
it’s me again
ranting about homeschooling


Public schoolers?
don’t you dare clown on us for
“Not having stressful homework”
Some of us have to teach ourselves
the entirety of our own education

For some of my subjects
I have to teach myself
from a textbook that was simply handed to me.
And told “here do this once a day”
Without any help because my mother isn’t qualified to teach it.

My friend is behind in his education
because the person teaching him
is too busy with her teaching job at a public school

I’m having to send him photos of my geometry textbook
So that he can learn what the person
who was supposed to teach him
Didn’t teach him

Both of us
Suffer from isolation
Him more than me
I at least have co-ops I’m sent to
He doesn’t

By the way
We met at a summer camp
(Which was highly religious, and pushed religion at every chance)
Not a conversion camp
It just heavily pushed religion

And it was basically the most social interaction of our summers
For him it was of his year

My honest take?
I would rather risk getting shot up in a school shooting
Than be isolated like my friend is

Because I would have killed myself
A long time ago if I was isolated
in the way my friend is
as long as I’ve been homeschooled

I’ve been homeschooled since I was in kindergarten
He was homeschooled since he was in 7th grade
I’ve had at least a lifeline of co-op

And the one year I didn’t?
I latched onto someone Toxic because she was all I had

I want to be around people
I hate and love going to summer camp
I love being there
I hate going home

My personality flips completely
When I’m there
I’m loud
I’m extra
I’m flamboyant
Why?
I’m not tied down
I’m not around family
I meet cool new people
I can be myself!
(To some extent)

When I’m home?
Or at co-op?
Kid in the corner
Quiet kid
The one with headphones on that no one bothers
The weird kid

And I know
That me being at public school
Likely wouldn’t change anything
But fuck
You guys at least get to see your friends
On a daily basis

I never see one of my best friends
And the other I see once a year
and next year will be the last!!

I have no meaningful friends at co-op
Because anyone being openly queer
Would get blocked by my parents

Same thing with woodshop
The only thing keeping me from spiraling so far into depression that i no longer exist
Is this site (which I’m not supposed to be on)
And my two friends that I text with fake cover stories so they don’t get blocked

My friend is begging to be put in public school
So he can actually get a chance at college applications

I would risk the high chance of being shot
For the chance of a social life and seeing my friends daily

Fucking—
Just don’t give me snobby looks
You lucky fucking public schoolers
with a social life,
good grades,
and parents who support you
I would take your place in a heartbeat

But all the suffering public schoolers?
I hope you get some happiness in your life
Every human being deserves happiness as long as it isn’t at the destruction of others

 

[Shawdios]

Went to the doctor today.

While in the waiting room,
My mother was filling out paperwork
And there was a section that I had to fill out.

Some of the questions, paraphrased to the best of my memory:
(In the past two weeks) (answer with an X under the filling column that fits: No days, some days, more than half, nearly all)
Have you had little to no appetite or overeating?
had feelings of hopelessness or like nothing matters?
Spoke so little or moved around so frequently that someone would notice it’s abnormality?
Thoughts that you’d be better off dead or of hurting yourself?
Had little to no energy?
Found no interest or pleasure in anything?
Felt that you were a disappointment to your family or worthless?
trouble with sleeping or sleeping too much?

Etc.

They were mental health questions.
The moment I saw the first question,
I recognized them instantly.

My heart rate had raced
In fear.
And anxiety.

Because I had to answer them
With my mother looking over my shoulder

I verbally chattered out bullshit reasons why
For each of my choices
And put off the worst questions as long as I could.

“feelings that you’re a disappointment or failure to your family?”
I remember absentmindedly saying,

“Well, in the past two weeks? No”
And I wish
I wish so much
That it hurt my mother to hear.

But I don’t know if it did.

Context for that:
*Gestures to previous rants about stealing electronics*

Then there was the appetite question
And the energy question

First one I put as half the days
Because I forget to eat,
And have difficulty actually getting myself make meals

Before you assume with an eating disorder,
It’s a motivation thing
I can feel that I’m hungry
But I don’t want to do the act of eating
And that nothing in the house is appealing to eat (to me at least)

As for the second
I think I put half the days
Because I was sick for a week

But half the days is my typical for having low energy anyway

Sleep question?
Every fucking day
Either I sleep very little
Or I crash and sleep on and off for the whole day
I waved my mother off with the
“Well I’ve always had sleeping issues, I need music to sleep”
Explanation that we’ve had since I was younger

The movement question I was very hesitant on.
Because my mother doesn’t believe we have ADHD.
But I put half the days,
and told her
“because dad is constantly yelling for me to stop fiddling with things with my feet durring movies”


The two hardest questions to answer I had to lie on.

Hopelessness
And the SH/SUI thoughts question.

They would have been Some Days
But I put None because of her watching me.

I hate that I had to lie
I hate that I was panicking the entire time I filled it out
I hate that I was having to rationalize my answers to my mother in such a way that I appeared fine.

Mind you.
I hadn’t gone to the doctor for a wellness check in five-ish years.
With two sick visits a week after eachother for phenomena back in 2021

And so the topic of vaccines was brought up.
Tetanus booster and three other things.

Mother turned down the offer to do them right then and there.

.
.
.

Personally I was somewhat fine with that.
Because I don’t want to piss her off.
But I pushed back a little on the tetanus one.

Nothing ended up happening
And in the car afterwards I mentioned how I had wanted the tetanus booster
And how it’s a reasonable one to get
But was brushed off and told that
i could just get it when an accident happens.

which is what most adults do

But I want it because I don’t want to risk tetanus
With the Redlines
I’m super paranoid about my brushes because of it

And I’ve been clean of it for a couple months now.
But I still think about it
I just procrastinate pulling the brush out of its hiding spot
And finding a opportunity

It’s funny
My ADHD’s issuses with task starting
Is what’s keeping me clean

Anyway.

While still on the topic of “on the way hone”
I got the usual,
“I hate going to doctors and being put under their microscopes”
Complaint
From my mother.

And the “going gives me so much anxiety, they’ll take any chance they can to interpret something wrong and call DSS on a parent”

I just was sick and tired of her bullshit at that point
So I tuned out with my headphones and laid on the kitchen bench as she ranted.

It’s always this fear mongering of,
“They’ll take things out of context and snatch you from here and put you in the foster system”

I hate it.



But anyway.
Tests for my lungs
That appointment is in two days
Hopefully I find out what’s wrong with my lungs then.

 

[Shawdios]

Dear twelve year old me.

Things will get better
Things will get worse
The dynamic will pull a 180
You’re gonna snap and curse

The yelling won’t change
But it’s target will
You’ll get sad and tired
Mother will refuse to make you pop pills

If you don’t give into impulse
things might improve
I get that you’re misunderstood
But you have things to lose

You’ll grow up quick
And you’ll seek validation from others
You’ll get caught and cry
But you’ll learn to hide things from Mother

Things will get better
Things will get worse
Take it from me
I’ve learned the from the first

You’ll get blamed
You’ll get shamed
And you’ll cause your own pain

You’ll run away
And come back
Taking insults till you snap

You’ll throw things
Out of sheer rage
Towards the one making the cage

You’ll scream and you’ll cry
You’ll feel like you want to die
Just wait four years
and you’ll learn how to hide

You’ll fall
You’ll fly
Please
Please don’t make yourself die

Things will get better
Things will get worse

I know you’re upset
I know you’re hurt
But your mistakes are not your worth

You’ll grow obsessed with the morbidity
You’ll wish you were abused “properly”
Just so you could have reason to feel poorly

I know you’re lonely
I am too
You’ll make friends with the wrong one
Your social life will not improve
You’ll stare at the ceiling
And feel cheated out of a childhood


Just please
Twelve year old me
Don’t do what I did
I gave in to the curiosity

Stop ignoring your sister
Keep speaking up
Keep that spine and imagination
Or you’ll lose that spark

You’ll lose it like I did
I grew up too fast
Don’t do it too

 

[Shawdios]

Books

I love books!
I love reading!
But why must there be so little Aromantic centered books?
Yes, romance is a interesting thing
I admit, I like shipping my characters
But actually writing my characters in love?
It’s,
Not something easy.

Because I don’t understand
I don’t understand how someone could,
Feel butterflies
And get lost in someone’s eyes
How holding someone’s hand and kissing them
Could bring this bliss people describe

Why must we be obsessed with Love?
With “the love of your life”
Or ”inevitable love”

Do I really need to be the person who goes,
“Fuck it! I’ll write it myself?”
But I don’t know where to start

Because I don’t understand how people Love
I’ve read about it, sure
So I’ll imitate that
Is fake romance what I need to get by in the writing world?

I don’t Understand.
And I don’t like my writing being inaccurate
I don’t like not understanding
I wish I could dissect and study people’s emotions
I wish I could get a meaningful answer
That I understand

I want to write the nuance of Sam and Harks relationship.
How they Love eachother
Yet stay away because of their issues

I want to write how Big hates Holly because of her actions
Yet Loves her in the same moment
Because he knows it’s not just her fault

I want to write how Holly hates Big
For how he’s different
But also Loves his differences
And battles with ingrained thought processes

But, I don’t know how it works.
I don’t understand.
And I wish I did!
I wish I wasn’t lacking
What everyone else seems to have
In their souls packaging

I don’t want to be lacking
I want to achieve understanding
Of this seemingly inate knowledge and feeling

.

.

.

But I can’t

 

[Shawdios]

I really should pay attention to my character obsessions more

I really,
really,
should pay more attention.

I should know by now
that when I fixate on Fall
im never in a good head space

I should know by now
that I shouldn't re-read
a certain past role-play with him

I should FUCking know by now
that when I obsess over his depressed and addicted ass
and want to write out a story centered on him
that im not happy

he's my walking warning
my walking trigger
the thing that pulls me down
whenever I think too much about it

but I can't hate the character
I made him
he's just a piece of me
and
I turn to him when im feeling bad

when im feeling misfit
I turn to Big
when im feeling angry
I turn to Sam

when I feel like I suck
when I feel like the world is too much
when I feel like not doing anything
its Fall I turn to

not Autumn
Autumn is just him
but not depressed

its him
with the spark still there

and I purposely fixate on him
so I stay sad
because what else is there?
nothing is satisfying
I want to feel bad
because nothing is making me happy
and feeling Nothing
is worse than feeling bad
crying is better than staring down from my window
crying means im still here
crying means im letting things out

I want to write a story with Fall
I want to write his struggle
but in doing so
I trigger my own
I can't write his story
because im still going through it

I dont know how his story ends yet
I dont think ill ever know how it ends for certain

it'll always be up in the air

but there's another thing there
he's not me
he's the worst bits of me
with the projection of my mother's mistakes

he's the one who fucks up
who fucks up and fucks up apologizing for those fuck ups

the one who wallows in his issues
and drags those around him down
who was pushed and pushed and pushed down by things
till he got crushed and couldn't take it anymore
so he stops trying and just drowns things out
an utter mess who's given up
and drifts through life wishing an accident would happen
so he can just be done

he's the one who's too prideful to apologize
without an explanation that diverts the blame
who tried his best
and still fucked up


im just the whiny bitch who's projecting their issues
so that they can not have to work through them themselves

 

[Shawdios]

I find myself rhyming
As of late
Maybe it’s the timing
But I don’t think it’s the date

Maybe it’s music
Writen on a page
Unverballized tragics
Till I come of age

I’ve always loved poetics
With their vents of emotion
I know it’s nonsensic
But some are quite potent

Now It’s the classic rhyming scheme
Of every other line
Don’t worry about this one
it just takes time

Maybe it’s the whimsy
thats captured my heart
I still don’t know
But here is where we do part

So take care fair stranger
Or familiar face
We may meet again
The next I vent in this place

 

[Shawdios]

Y’know.
it’s weird feeling lonely
As an Aromantic

Because you long for people
You long for the presence of a person
But not in a romantic way

However, when you bring it up
People just snort
And say
“Well you’re Aromantic right?”
“You shouldn’t feel lonely if you’re Aromantic”
“I knew you weren’t actually Aromantic!”

Shut the fuck up.

I long to have someone care
I long for someone to be happy if I text
To be happy like I am when someone texts me

I dont long to have someone to kiss
Or to hold hands with

Maybe someone to watch a movie with
But not someone to marry

I want a friend
Here
Physically

But what is a friend?
I don’t fucking know

From what I’ve gathered,
It’s a bond.
A two way street
Where you care for the person
And be there for them
While they do the same

I don’t know much about it though

All the “friends” I’ve had
They leave
Or forget
If I stop initiating

Except for one.
And I cherish them.

I don’t know what I’d do
If they acted cold to me
And brushed me off

My emotions would probably slip and plummet

I shouldn’t be this dependent
But that’s loneliness for you.

When you’re lonely
You cling to,
Every.
Damn.
Person.
Who shows you even the littlest of attention and affection

You cling to those who ruin you
And drag you down to the point
Where you’re dragging bloody brushes across canvas
And lose interest in everything

I have issues.
I’m lonely

And there’s no way to fix it.
I don’t know how people have so many friends

I long to have that friend group
who beats down your door
When you stop talking

I want people to care
I want to stop being this kid
Who is either the one with headphones in the corner
Or the loud mouth that everyone finds annoying

I want to have someone
Who I can admit my insecurities to
And not have them exploited
Or worry about being a burden

I don’t want to depend on just one person
Who has their own issues
That I don’t know how to help with
I don’t know how to help them most of the time
And I feel horrible for that

I hate how I’m aware of my own thoughts
I hate how I know I brush off people
And find them annoying at times
Then turn around and wonder why I’m alone

What is a friendship like?
What is a healthy one?
Am I the problem?

I don’t know

I worry
And I worry
And I worry
That I’m a piece of shit

I worry
About peoples actions and thoughts
Because I know my own
And how I act
And that must be how everyone acts

So if I find this annoying
I’m annoying because I do the exact same thing
I’m a hypocrite
With my complaints

I care about people
But I can switch to not caring so fast
Then back again

I switch between being happy and sad
Based off of people’s attention on me
Phone notifications empty for nearly three days?
Bad day
Bad day
Bad day
Everyone hates me
I hate this person
Then a Person replies back to message
And I’m lit up like the sun

They replied!
They were just busy!
It’s not me!
They’re my friend!

I ramble
Then they give one odd, seemly dismissive, message
Or disappear for an hour

Oh no I’m annoying them
They didn’t actually care
They’re such a fucking bitch
I upset them

I’m a jealous mess
I hate so easily
I’m vindictive
I’m pretentious
I’m oblivious

The one person I trust to be honest with me has said I’m oblivious
And it checks out
My sister has said it too

He hasn’t texted me back though.

I hate summer camp.
It gives me a taste
Of what not being lonely feels like
Then it rips it from me
It gut punches me
And forces out my happiness out of my lungs
Emotionally winding me




I started it again.
The redlines.

I hate loneliness
I hate Hannah
I hate her
I hate how she introduced me to this
How I crave her addictive complements
How she was the sunlight
That I basked In till I got sun poisoning
With my bubbly skin that still bleeds
because I pop the blisters
And pick at the scabs
My skin now with a cancer
That eats away at me

I hate her
And long for her
At the same time

I want how we could talk for hours back
I want the dopamine that she gave me with how interested she was in my passions back
I want how I felt like I was important back
I want to feel like I’m not so fucked up that I can be the subject of someone’s crush

I want to stop being lonely
But I’ve dug my own hole
And I’m slicing the ropes people toss down to me
Out of fear of it being a snake that bites

 

[Shawdios]

im just in a bad mood
a sad mood

im tired
I dont wanna draw
I need to work on these designs
but im tired

I need to write out a reply
but I have time
so ill just put it off

I need to do schoolwork
but Im tired
so ill pretend I forgot
or lie about it

I dont know why im tired
both physically and mentally

I called my friend a few hours ago
and I was happy and energetic
but now im tired and lethargic
its not him
I know it isnt
because he's not toxic
not like Hannah was

he's tired too
I hate this
I want to work on things
but I dont have the energy right now

yet I have the energy to type this?
its bullshit

ive cried a shit ton over the course over the past two days
I dont know why
I just cried because my eyes decided to and my emotions were high
Its better than staring at the ceiling though

I want to start doing streaming again
for while I draw digtally
because I feel better when there's people watching
I want to be a being that's observed

I want your attention.
I want overwhelming notifications
but ill grow tired of it
like I do with everything
I'll grow tired
and find excuses not to do things
ill frantically apologize
and cut things off
because ive never done anything long term
always in half year increments or shorter than that
I hate and love change
I need variety
but not too much that im being whipped around every day
or do I?
I dont know

I dont fucking know a lot of things
I hate that uncertainy
and I avoid situations that give me that uncertainy
I want to be the most knowledgable on a subject I like
and I hate anything that challenges that
im a obnoxous know it all
a bitter, vindictive, know it all

god damnit
I want to know what my issues are
so I can tear them out
and fix them
or just get rid of them entirely

I wish coffee worked on me
so that im not tired anymore
everything is too much right now
I want to call that bitch
so that I can feel something
so that she can either be friends with me again
or insult me and make me feel worse
so that I have the guts to do something for once

im probably in some sort of destructive period
is that why im longing for this?
I dont fucking know
I dont fucking know
I dont fucking know I as't hfbgf

I probably tire my friend out
and he talks to me because
oh shit am I a Hannah to him?

I hope not
I probably should stop thinking too much about things
but I cant
cause what if im fucking up people if I stop worrying about my actions?
I wish I didn't care so much about others
maybe I would feel better

goddamn I projected heavily onto an OC
Jesus chirst
he's literally this
wow
no wonder I was so excited for that Rp
holly fuck

I should probably eat
I should probably do a lot of other fucking things
than type here my thoughts

 

[Shawdios]

Depression isn’t quirky.
Depression isn’t funny.
Depression isn’t just being sad.

It’s where you spend half the day in bed,
Where you ignore how you haven’t eaten for over twenty hours,
Because getting out of bed is just Too Much.

It’s where you’re stuck,
unable to get yourself to do anything,
Then feel like a lazy piece of shit because of that.


It’s where you shower only when people need to see you,
And where you do it sitting down.

It’s where the only thing making you do things,
Is other people telling you to.
If that.

It’s where you find yourself crying for no damn reason,
Where you want to just fade away
So you don’t have to deal with shit anymore.

It’s where you’re too fucking tired
To even cut yourself
Because clean up and prep would be too much work

It’s laundry all over the floor
And dishes piled in the sink

It’s a disgusting bathroom
And ants trailing to your cats food

It’s bottles filled with mold
And rotting leftovers in the fridge

It’s lights falling from your walls
Hooks popping one by one
Till they drag everything on your shelves down with them
When the last hook fails.

It’s pushing people away
And ignoring their help
So you stay stuck in this hole

Because what else is there?

What else could possibly be out there but this?

 

[Shawdios]

Hunger is interesting.

What exactly is it?
Well yes it’s your stomach sending signals to your brain that it is empty,
But what exactly is the feeling?

It’s something I tend to struggle with
Because my stomach never growls.
It’s always just this dull pain
Whenever I’m hungry

And mind you,
this is when I’ve gone without food for eight or so hours
Where I realize what time it is and grow aware of the feeling in my stomach.

Other times I just ignore it cause,
I’m busy, I don’t want to get up and get food, I’m writing and I’m flowing really well, if I interrupt myself I’ll lose it, I’m drawing I need to just get this done then I’ll go eat something, I don’t want to get up out of bed, nothing is going to be satisfying, I don’t want what we have in the fridge, there’s no snack food for me to easily grab and I don’t want to make anything

Various reasons
But anyway,
back to the problem I’ve caused.
I do this so often lately,
that I don’t know when I’m hungry or full.
Or if something I ate isn’t sitting well with me.

Granted I do know I’m hungry and need food right now
cause I haven’t eaten breakfast and my stomach hurts.
But it’s when it’s in the middle of the day,
or when I eat something with gluten in it
That I get confused.

I’m I still hungry?
Or is my stomach just feelin funky?
I don’t know.

I’ve also probably got issues with food now
Cereal and anything I can eat without too much setup is all I eat.
Except when family members make a dinner or I get forced to make tacos.

I just.
I don’t want to go through the process of eating food.
It’s annoying.
And most of the time its food that doesn’t give me happy drug in brain.

I’ll happily snack on things
But when it comes to meals?
I struggle with making something
Other than cereal or warming up leftovers or eating fruit

I really should go eat breakfast.
But the dishwasher was running
and there’s no spoons outside of it that I can wash.

Making lunches for co-op is a struggle as well
Because I don’t want to eat a sandwich.
Its not enjoyable.
They’re bland and too much work to make.
I’d rather toss a container of strawberries and grapes in there instead.

I had problems at camp too
I would only eat pizza and a icecream float.
I had a float with every damn meal.
Breakfast usually was a float and some sausages with tater tots.
I branched away from pizza near the end of the two weeks because i got paranoid about them.

I don’t know what this is.
i struggle with getting myself to eat meals.
And not just randomly grabbing whatever is appealing
Then avoiding eating if nothing is appealing.
Am I just picky?
Maybe??
I don’t know.
I’ma go make a shake or something since the spoons are all in the dishwasher.

 

[Shawdios]

What is it like?
To have a friend group that you grew up with
To have memories of hanging out In eachother’s backyards
And laughing as you have snowball fights

Fall is coming.
And it reminds me of winter
It reminds me of snow.
How my favorite activity when there is snow
Is to dig a mini igloo
And to stick my head inside

-with the thought that I could be buried and forgotten in the snow ringing through my head-
-longing for the snow to cover me up and let me slip into the forever rest-

While the rest of my body sicks out
in the measly few inches we get each year
If even that

What is it like to see your friends every day?
And to hang out at their house every week?
Or even know what their house looks like?

I’ve only been over to a friends house three times.

First was our neighbor across the street.

Second was a hangout.

And the third was a Halloween party.

All of which I wouldn’t exactly call a friend.

What is it like to watch a movie together as a group?
To giggle and snicker after a parent yells at all of you to go to sleep?
Or to even be able to invite your friends over?

I’ve never had a friend over at my house.

When it was younger, it was because the house was trashed.
Now it’s because I don’t have any approved of friends I’m comfortable with inviting over.

Having a friend in your room is such a foreign concept to me.


What is it like to have friends who laugh and lean on you?
To have an arm comfortably rested on your shoulder?
Or to lay over eachother’s stomachs as you watch the sky?

What is it like to have a group of friends that goes out exploring together?
What is it like to have friends who stay?

I want a fucking childhood.
I want the experiences I never fucking got and always hear about.
I want to have been in a snowball fight.
I want to have gone to the movies with friends.
I want to have had my hair curled and brushed by a friend when I was over at their house.
I want to try on outfits and go shopping with friends.
I want to have been to a sleepover.
I want to have had a fucking birthday party that I have friends to invite to.

I want to have friends.
I want what I never knew when I lost

I want to have hung out and stared at stars over the hood of a car.
I want to have sat on a roof and drank with a crush
I want to have had made out with someone i love
I want those cliche feelings
Why don’t I have them
Why don’t I look at someone and get butterflies
Why don’t I have Love for people?

Why do I wish for bad experiences
Why does everyone understand what nausea is except for me
Why don’t I understand people

I want friends.
I want people around me that aren’t here because they have to be.
But instead because they want to be

I want to know that I’m not some royal fuck up of a human being

I want my childhood.
Where the fuck did it go.
I want back the joy that Halloween brought
I want back the glee that staying up on New Years Eve had.
I want back the excitement of counting down the days till your birthday or Christmas.

I want back my naivety.
I don’t want to know how much rent costs.
I don’t want to know the statistics of rape or being trafficked.
I don’t want to be the person who fears both genders
I don’t want to be the kid in black with headphones on.

I want to be the girl that climbed trees
I want to be the girl that blasted her radio and jumped around to whatever music played
I want to be the girl that could tell herself stories on a complete whim,
Never getting bored and always having a new idea to play out.

Where did she go.
Now I’m so scared of feminity that on the worst days, I hate looking at my chest.
Where I bundle up in thick clothes
To hide my body shape
I feel better being called they.
Because He is associated with the fear
The fear of scaring someone to how I am
The fears that say
He is danger.
He is to be scrutinized of his actions
He is always going to be assumed to be malicious

Where did the girl who had no fear go?
What happened to her?


I know where that girl went.
The girl who always played the Prince role
The girl who hated pink
The girl who hated being dressed up for church in itchy dresses

She grew up.
She was taught to fear everyone and her surroundings
Because she was shown how shitty the world was way too young.

And now they wish they were her again.
They wish they were that girl who was too naive to know her curiosity was going to be what ruined her.
Too curious for her own damn good.

Too weird
Too strange
Too different
Too smart
Too loud
Too fidgety
Too ditzy


That girl was burned too many times.
That girl tried so hard
Only to have her efforts thrown away
She saw friends come and go.
She had friends disappear and move on when she lost digital contact despite still seeing them once a week.

She got tired

Everyone got tired.
Of her.

So she kept quiet.
And they bit their tongue when their mother was around.
They started writing down the fucked up ideas.
They researched their morbid curiosities.
They put on headphones when their radio died.
They kept music in one ear, and the other on their floor when the arguing grew constant.
Knowledge was power.
Blackmailing their siblings to keep eachother’s secrets.
All three knowing that if either of the other two were caught,
The sibling would do whatever they could to divert the shouting off of themselves.

That tween grew up even further.
They learned that energy was the hardest thing to retain.
They learned that keeping their head down and doing what they were told
Was the least upsetting way to get by
They learned to conceal their true opinions
To always Verbally agree with their mother so she would be not upset with them

They learned that turning eighteen didn’t cure all of your problems.
They learned that Eighteen didn’t mean a way out to the greener grass.
They learned what the layers of the skin were.

They gained wings for two weeks.
And tasted pure joy for the first time in years.
They soared.

And those wings were torn to bloody and mauled shreds
At the end of those two weeks.
Falling and nearly becoming a red smear on pavement.
Shattering their heels as they tried to land feet first.

They’re limping and stumbling their way around.

Barely finding the energy to stand up and move
Barely able to find joy in most things.
Barely keeping their shit together.



Why couldn’t I have a childhood.
Why was I isolated.
Mother?
Tell me why you had us grow up this way
Why?
Tell me fucking why.
You always asked me why I snuck around and stole unused devices.
Now I’m asking you why you raised me isolated.
Isolated to the point where I clung to devices for my friends

Was it fucking worth it?
Was it worth those four years of screaming?
Was it worth getting a mellowed and drained child from it?
Was it worth your child’s emotional stability?
Why couldn’t you be like dad
I’d rather have to take care of myself
Than have to claw at whatever I can for privacy and friends
So that I don’t off myself from the loneliness

Why mother?
Why couldn’t you trust me when I said I knew how to be safe online
Why did you have to be religious
Why did you have to be a helicopter parent

You joke about how we used to be.
How I threw books at you
How you “certainly know I would put up a fight” if I was in a bad situation

That’s not a joke for me.
I nearly pushed you down the stairs
And you shouted at my sister for fucking stopping me.
You fucking wished I did it.
Who fucking says that to be overheard
What the fuck.

Your yelling grew so routine that I knew just to nod and keep quiet
Because arguing only prolonged things.

I pulled at my hair for comfort.
I tried to look insane
Hoping you’d send me away somewhere if I did
Just so I could be away from you

I tried to fucking stab myself
I can’t look at knifes without the thought of cutting or wanting to stab my stomach

I fucking hate you
You fucked me up
Why couldn’t you be like every other fucking parent
Why do you have to come up with a conspiracy for everything
Paranoid fucking bitch
You ruined me
You taught me to fear everyone
To always assume the worst
To think that everyone just puts up with me

And you wonder why I can barely get myself to do things or want to eat?
Fucking
Fuck you
When I turned sixteen, I looked back on my childhood and saw barely anything.
All my happy years were from before I was 10
You fucking made me watch a sex traficking documentary
When hadn’t had my period yet

I tried to run away
And when I came back
You didn’t even notice I tried to

There’s cameras all over the house now
And I’ve gotten so used to it that I forget other people’s houses don’t have them

Sometimes I want to just slice up my shoulders and stroll around in a tank top
Or leap out my window
So that you fucking realize what your shit parenting did
I want to hack off all my hair
so I can force you to give me the haircut I want
I want to hurt you like I have been
I fucking wish I had pushed you down those fucking stairs
Maybe then you could realize how you ruined me
Maybe then you would fucking learn

I fucking wish that when you asked if I was being SAed one Halloween night
That I had something to say yes for
Because then
I could get help
Then I could get therapy

Then I couldn’t blame you
For how ruined I am
I could have you not be the villain
Because I just fucking want to be normal
I want you to be a mom to me
Not a Mother
But you fucking ruined me
So you’re not a mom
You’re a Mother

What is it fucking like
To have a happy family

 

[Shawdios]

As a creative,
I want to say something.
To all of my roleplay partners.

Thank you.
Thank you for helping me grow as a writer
Thank you for getting me to write

Having someone to write WITH
Is a really good motivator
Since you’re forced to respond and keep up
You can’t push it off
Well
You can.
But not for long.
Then you have to sit down and write
SOMETHING
and once I’m actually sat down
I write

I’ve been focusing a lot on my own creative projects lately
But having people I need to keep up with
Helps me come up with new ideas and
Actually THINK

Because, shout out to my current RP partner
For helping me flesh out and think about the culture of Porcilavians over the course of the past nine months.
You know who you are
I’m aware you read these
Thank you

I seriously doubt I would have thought about some of the details you asked questions about

What kind of food culture they would have?
Their building architecture?
Folklore??
Magic types???

Seriously,
Thank you.

That magic type thing helped me out SO MUCH in solo projects,
I’ll send some bits if you want,
along with a drawing featuring some architecture

I’ll keep you un mentioned since this is a vent thread, just tell me otherwise if you’d like a direct mention.

Anyways.
Thank you to every RP partner I’ve had
Even the ones I didn’t use my Fluremere worldbuilding for.
You help me grow as a writer.

I’ve written nearly 100k words over the years from Roleplaying alone.

Thank. You.
I hope to write so so much more in this community and help others improve just as I am improved by them

 

[Shawdios]

I get it
I get that im the fuck up of the family

But hearing your little sister get yelled at
And hearing your mother make these statements
“Why were you listening to her shit?”
“Are you really going to sneak around and be like (my name)?”
“Do you want to be treated like she was?”

It fucking hits different.
It doesn't help that i just finished up a gorey piece
Or that i'm starting to get back into screamo and heavy rock music

Fun fact!
My lil sister tis gay!
Found that out a couple months ago back at the beginning of july
And i wanna just say
THAT I FUCKING CALLED IT
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHA
Me and my older sister joked about the lil one being a les
Because she walked in way too many times
After conveniently forgetting we were changing

Not so much a joke anymore is it?

If mother ever finds out about lil sister’s non-straightness
I’m going to be in so much hot water
Isn't that funny in how it works?
I'm going to be blamed for her “corruption”

Excuse me as I go take out my rage on Big some more.

 

[Shawdios]

I fixate on people.

I’ve noticed that tidbit recently
When I meet someone who I find interesting
Or share common interests with
I feel like shit when I’m not paid attention by them
And I view those who take that attention with hate

It’s not an extremely intense thing?
And it’s not in a romantic way either.
Or lasts particularly long.

But fucking
I WAS IN CONVERSATION WITH THEM FIRST BACK THE FUCK OFF

I seethe.
I’m possessive.
But I rein it in.

Because I get that people have other friends
And that I’m a hypocrite for wanting people i fixate on to focus on me,
when I lose all care for conversation with anyone else when I fixate.

I realized why I feel so uncomfortable
At the idea of showing the rest of the writing involving Ritz
Because.
He’s possessive.
And it’s an extreme version
Of how I can start to think.

I worry constantly about whether I'm manipulative or not.
Because i'm aware of the urge to just make someone spiral into panic

Oh what? Have we left yet to pick you up?
Nah we’re still at home, was mother supposed to?
Oh nah she’s still here, what do you mean?

Its something i KNOW I picked up from my mother
She does the exact same thing

Of denying and gaslighting then laughing about it
Because the scrambling is fun to watch.

And so
it’s fucking fun writing Big getting tossed the fuck around
Or tricked and threatened
Making him break down
By the dragonborn’s hand

Some of the bits are fucking rough
I genuinely wouldnt know if they’d break the explicit gore rule
Reading back is uncomfortable sometimes
Because, I wrote that

The doc reached 15k words the other day.
I’d say half of that is actual interactions with Ritz
while the rest are the beforehand or aftermath

The aftermath with Big stumbling
Or needing to be helped up
Or him stunned to the point of muteness

Dealing with sexual rumors that are humiliating to hear (it's never sexual)
Crushing a fan’s dreams so they don't go through what he is
Him breaking down and trashing his entire flat
Having to recount events to a detective after nearly bleeding out
Repercussion of a concussion only leading to more mistakes

The list goes on

Meanwhile REVO Big (who i call Flame in it)
Is the metaphorical foil to all of this
Its his happy ending
He never goes to Ritz
and because he stays,
The cult gets overthrown
So he’s still around his brothers
He’s satisfied with playing music with James, Bezel and Star.
And doesn't crave the validation of fame anymore.
He ends up confident and aware of how low he tends to view himself
And has a support system to help when its bad
James turns into more than a friend after the revolution is over

(And i've actually written out a fluffy bit
With the two of them on a date
LE GASP
SO SHOCKING AND OUT OF CHARACTER OF ME)

While Big?
He’s stuck away from his family
Under a cruel and manipulative boss
With every perceived mistake amplified
And punished for
His brothers are lorded over him
With a threat to hurt them if he leaves
(which he doesn't know is a half bluff)
Isolated due to rumors
And every potential friend kept distant
out of fear of them finding out about how bad Ritz is
And Ritz getting rid of them to save face
The only support to him being Jeff the doorman
When he’s having a bad day and makes a loud enough ruckus
But never admits any of his issues to–



–Well shit.
I projected a little bit there.
But since when is that anything new?
Don't people say that a piece of writing is the most powerful
when there are pieces of the author in it?

But i do worry
And Ritz scares me sometimes
With how i can get on my rare few manic days with urges
being acted on in fiction

 

[Shawdios]

Not really a rant
But

Apparently I’ve got gray hairs?
Like, pure ass White.


Mind you, I’m a junior in high school.
There’s not a lot of them,
I’ve counted three distinct ones

And they’re all kinda in the same spot
Shits wildin’

I really need to take a shower
But right now we’re cleaning the house
for company that’s coming tomorrow

Anyway back to the hair
It’s probably just genetics
My dad grayed noticeably by 30
(he's fully gray now except for a bit of his beard, and he isn't even 50 yet)
Or it’s also stress
Ain’t that fucking hilarious

Honestly Im actually kinda excited
Because I don’t have to bleach my hair for a bright color
If the hair is already white

Me out here excited for going gray
While the rest of society is desperately trying to prevent it

Heh heh >:}

 

[Shawdios]

You ever just
Don’t know what the fuck is wrong?
Like
There’s something
OFF
About how you feel
Throughout a whole day?

.

I don’t know
Maybe?
Sometimes I do.
Why do you ask?

.

No real reason.
Just wonderin.

.

You sure?
Y’know I’m here
Whenever you want to talk?

.

Yeah.
I’m fine though.


Seriously, I am.
I’m not, I’m not
It’s nothing.
It’s everything
Just drop it.
Don’t leave me alone
God can’t you shut up?
No please keep talking
I said I don’t wanna talk about it
I do I really do, I just don’t know what’s wrong
FUCKING PISS OFF I DONT WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT—
I DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG AND I HATE IT PLEASE DONT GO IM SORRY I DONT MEAN TO BE LIKE THIS I JUST DONT KNOW HOW TO SAY ANYTHING RIGHT IM SORRY PLEASE COME BACK I DIDN’T MEAN TO BE SO MEAN I JUST DONT KNOW WHATS WRONG AND—


.

Sorry, I had to go do laundry.
You sure you’re okay?

.

Yeah.
Just feelin off, idk y.

PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK PLEASE ASK
.

Oh ok.
Hugs.
Y’know I’m glad ur here right?
I’m glad ur my friend
.

Thanks
Me too.

 

[Shawdios]

So,
Apologies for that *gestures to previous post*
Being likely very confusing

It’s just how emotions decided to portray themselves
And they are confusing to me
So they’re gonna be confusing when portrayed

Make of the words as you will.
I’m just.
Feelin off

And I’m not sure why.

.
.
.

I’ve been tired.
And I don’t want to eat anything that takes effort to make.
Everything feels bland
And blah

Writing, Drawing, talking, listening to music, reading, etc

So it’s probably a depressive mood.
A really heavy one.
I’m not all that excited for the shinedown concert thats coming up
And I’m not all that excited to finally be back at volunteering
Despite how much I love holding snakes

I wanna just curl up and sleep.
I don’t want to have to eat or go to the bathroom.
I don’t want to have to fuel this fleshbag I inhabit.
This fleshbag hates me
Making me feel like this.
Such an asshole.

I need to take a shower
And I need to change a doorknob for my mother

Redlines take too much work
Even in the shower
I don’t get how other Shers who are depressed do it

Even if I wanted to kill myself (I don’t)
I don’t have the energy

How the hell do they find the energy
To plan that shit out
Or to set things up

God I’m tired.
I don’t want to get out of bed
But I need to
Fuckin bullshit
Maybe I’ll wait until nine
Would three hours be enough time to air dry my hair?
Probably?
Idfk

I really should go take a shower right now.
I really really should
But I’m tired
Even if I just woke up

I hate my brain for being the way it is
Can’t ever finish a project
Needs constant validation
Or else I’m like this
Spirals at one perceived negative
Motivation, who’s that
Can’t get myself to even feed my protein bubble properly
Or hydrate it
Fucking piece of shit up there
Can’t do anything right for me
I hate it I hate it I hate it I hate ihate ithaietiehateihateihateihateihareihtheuajalwlwlcldkekwnfkgohoboholeoowodlslwlqxkxmxmcnkdjdjejekwkslwlwiifofofpcofcofoffiroroeoeoeoeowpqpqppqqpqpqps

...I’m just tired of everything making me more tired

 

[Shawdios]

The house is so quiet

My dad works night shift,
So he’s asleep right now
But my mother and two siblings are all out of the house.

I’m the only awake person in this house right now.
It’s.
Making me feel something
I don’t know what
But it’s not a good one

I don’t know why I’m so hung up on this today
I’m the only one awake.
It feels so empty
All the lights are off
And I’m too tired to turn them on and off whenever I’m in a room
The sun from behind the blinds is enough to see with
But it feels empty.
I’m so used to there being something

Be it yelling from two people arguing
The sounds of the tv
My dad playing his game on the computer
My siblings walking around
My older sister playing music from her room
It’s eerie

I truely understand that empty feeling
Of those scenes where a character opens their appartment door
Sees the dark, and sighs.

My cat just hopped into my lap.
God I wanna just fucking bawl
I dont know why I’m so fucking off lately

 

[Shawdios]

I project.
A lot.

And I’m realizing that I’m not good at diversifying character personalities.

Autumn?
*Slap* Selfhate and selfdestructive pride
Flame?
*Slap* Selfhate and chronic anxiety
Sam?
*Slap* Selfhate and Anger issues
Holly?
*Slap* Selfhate and social obliviousness
Spice?
*Slap* Selfhate and apathy

It’s.
Becoming a glaring problem.
That I don’t know how to write someone without selfhatred.

Obviously these characters have more to them than just the two things listed.
like with Sam,
His self hatred leads to self-sabotage and isnt something glaringly obvious.

Like Autumn‘s is.

I’m generally having a hard time keeping everyone from bleeding into each other.

Autumn (REVO, but aka Fall) is Prideful.
But, he was taught
That he was a Misspawn
and a failure of a potential life
Since the day he came to exist

You internalize that over time.
But Autumn tries his damnedest to prove everyone wrong
That he can be as good as everyone else.

because admitting he can't do something
means that whatever he can't do,
is something he's failed at
and if he's failed at something
that means what people say is true
that he is a failure of a life and shouldn't be here

Any mistake can send him into a spiral of
“They were right they were right, oh light I’m no better than those who ___ I’m the worst person ever, I don’t deserve to be here,” etc.

Even so,
He hates his body for being the way it is
He hates his weak will towards certain addictive habits
and he hates admitting he bad at something



Meanwhile Flame (REVO, but aka Big)
Has two sources.
One from when he was barely older than a newspawn and not yet living with Autumn.
Where he lived in a place that led to him constantly called dumb or slow if he struggled at something.

Then the ongoing views of the Cult that do get to him.
No matter he claims.
It doesn’t present itself obviously.
But he is overly Reckless with his life.
And he is self sacrificing.
Everyone else matters so much more
Than the demonic one that’s just a dirty stain that taints others.
If it was him or anyone else,
He isn’t the one making it out.

He’s aware that he’s constantly getting caught.
Or isn’t thinking far ahead when he makes choices.
He brushes of the scoldings that originate from worry
And projects this confidence that is certainly fake
But deep down
He doesn’t view himself as important or worth it.


Over to the side, Sam is the angry one. (OG timeline)
In
The one who pushes the hate outwards onto everyone
the one who blames everyone else for why things are bad
the one who finds flaws in those who are close to him so he can justify pushing them away

He hates himself for not having the guts like his brothers do to stand up against the Cult
He hates how he reflexively keeps quiet
And bites his tongue.

If he’s not the perfect child
He clearly is a blemish
He hates how he is the one used as an emotional weapon

Eventually he hates himself for not being enough to keep Big around.

He tries to find Big but never does

then he pushes his hate out onto everyone else.
Big’s just an asshole who abandoned him
Rise never cared.
Autumn just wanted to feel like a good person by taking care of him
Hark never actually loved him
Who could anyway?
He was a blemished soul.

If he keeps people around
They’ll just get hurt
So he needs to keep them at a distance
and he ruins any relationship he has if they force themselves close


Then there's Holly (REVO)

She is someone who hates herself
Because of the shit she’s done

She hurt so many people by believing in the Cult
She hurt Flame to the point where his brothers all either treated her coldly, or outright avoided her
and yet she dares have feelings for him?
how much of an asshole do you have to be?

her selfhatred fuels her attempts to be better
to make up for how much she ruined
technically, she was a victim as well
from being picked up young and manipulated
but that doesn't write off
her reports of Flame and other's
that caused them to be put into a place that is arguably torture
or even damned them to death


lastly, Spice (OG timeline)

Spice is an interesting case.
he doesn't necessarily hate himself in the way of
"oh im such a horrible person, I suck, I shouldn't be here, ive done such horrible things"

He is one of the very few Half-Porcilavians in existence.
(not gonna get into the how of that, there is a written down how, but its uncomfortably weird to explain)
and he hates that half of himself.

he hates his porcilavian ancestry
he hates the small useless wings on his back
he hates his lack of feline ears
and wishes he was fully Felineborn

Why?

It causes many issues health wise and complicates his diet
it caused him to grow up as an "accident" and not be wanted by his birth mother
It caused him to be bullied and pushed around before Sugar came around.
Because Porcilavians are infamous for the stereotype of being xenophobic and stuck up when interacting with other races

which doesn't help when you live in the most diverse city in the world.

oh where was I going with this.
eh whatever
just procrastinating homework right now