Other Your worst Mary-Sue ocs?

[Lord Aphrodite]

Thank you for starting this thread, I can't stop laughing every time I check it.



well... as far as I remember the premise. the rp happened during the time when Voldemort still looked like human, so... maybe somehow someone fell for him??? Or it could have been some of his experiments with magic XD I don't think I ever explained that matter. Or maybe I did back then, but forgot already. This rp happened more than 10 years ago.
I'm not sure about the rp, but if I ever post a fanfiction about the Shinsengumi and the dragon doctor, you'll know where it came from. and it probably should have the illustration by Lord Aphrodite because that masterpiece deserves recognition!

PhoenixMire yeah i know, but that somehow didn't stop me from making this monster of an oc :'D i honestly feel bad for making ciel be together with her aksjfej
Lord Aphrodite that's exactly the mental image i had!! thanks for drawing it, it's awesome!! :^) and sure, i'm curious about it!
Onmyoji how did voldemort get somebody to have a child with him?? that's the real question here 0: i need to see a dragon doctor helping the shinsengumi defeat their enemies NOW

also.... i forgot to mention one of her eyes was gold and the other was red..... and she had white hair..... amazing
i don't even think isaac had a personality, he was just kinda there to be smexy i guess? maybe i hsould rework them but this time, anja is just a bratty 12 year old and isaac is a demon who just wants to go back to hell because he can't stand her

Guys, I’ll admit it, the illustration is not mine. I found it on google images. I thought it was fitting. Not mine, I’m bad at drawing.

 

[Onmyoji]

Guys, I’ll admit it, the illustration is not mine. I found it on google images. I thought it was fitting. Not mine, I’m bad at drawing.

ah, thank you for finding it then! It's definitely appropriate XDDD

 

[Necromantic]

i once made a character for a homestuck roleplay and tried to kill everyone, including my own daughter

he was a rainbowdrinker jadeblood troll with so much hair that he stored puppets in there (cut in rp after like five postd because i thought having it super long was too much work), had some sort of puppet fetish, used puppet strings as a weapon (got that idea from hellsing), was some sort of crazy yandere, and had some sort of tragic backstory where he was kidnapped and raped by multiple higher-blooded trolls and killed them all or something like that? i cant remember, but i do know that his marysue boyfriend who had two blood colors and was raised by a highblood plague doctor was less over the top than him.

to boot, my character had a lisp solely so i could write song as thong and was like, 5'10 but kept shrinking everytime i posted about his height until i changed it to 4'9 and stuck with that until i stopped playing him. he was the prince of space because i wanted to play the space character and liked the fact that the prince was the destroyer. frankly, i still like that godtier and would use it again if i could tolerate looking at the fandom.

for some reason, we started the rp with none of the characters knowing each other and already playing sgrub, and his future bae just sort of flew in on a large boat with father plague doctor (spelled: eugalp rotcod, im still attached to that last name to this day) while my character played with frogs, or screamed at them maybe? well, it was pretty much love at first sight, then my character went to, i dont know, get lost in the woods and kill himself to become a god? im certain thats not exactly what happened, but the rp was deleted five years ago so i dont remember, all i know is that within the first couple days of rp he had already godtiered in this session where nobody knew each other. i was stupid and thought that hed still be on the moon after becoming a matter destroying immortal, so he just fucking tossed plague daddy to the moon, we changed clothes, and flew planets away back to our boat home, where my character proceeded to have a panic attack because of the tragic backstory that i literally didnt even write anywhere until this moment and officially hooked up with his man. trauma healed, boyfriend achieved.

so you know what time it was after that? baby making time. and by that, i mean somebody else in the rp used ectoplasmic goo to make us the the tribloodcoloured baby of our dreams without asking. i think it was like, jade, cerulean, and purple? because, thankfully, we were only using canon colours, and i know there wasnt anything below my characters colour in there, so im 99% sure those were the colours. our characters did not wonder where the eggs this character brought us came from, but they were all shoved off on my characters because jadebloods were supposed to raise babies. of fucking course, the character i had written as very gay and psychotic up until this point knew everything about raising grubs, so he cared for the eggs while everyone else went on a spelunking adventure. this somehow meant our characters were meeting their ancestors, including mine who wasnt even fucking with them. ancestor man appeared, and was actually physically there somehow? despite being long dead? well, mary-sue love interest came back with his ancestor and a fucking third blood colour, which i clearly remember to be teal as, at that point, any other colour would have looked like shit with that combination. probably literal shit, as the remaining colours were dark green, brown, and yellow. thank god somebody in the rp had taken red, he pointedly said that any colour already used was "taken" and couldnt be used by anyone else, which of course included himself.

my character got scared, was comforted by troll #4 who was the only reasonable one of the bunch and after that his best friend forever, and then our children hatched. despite being a very gay couple, we had our daughter with a mixture of our blood colours and the other egg was a mixture of our other pairs colours, a red and blue boy. at the moment they saw their son hatch, they decided that maybe they should date. love interest's ancestor vanished after making out with my characters ancestor and my ancestor just chilled in the cave to wait for the end of the world, because he couldnt disappear yet or something? maybe he was actually a vampire and hadnt died yet so he was just awaiting death, we all liked the whole rainbow drinker thing homestuck did so of course we couldnt just NOT do that. no explanation on how he wouldve gotten into our session if that was the case, he just sort of was. schrodingers troll.

so back on the boat, we gave our grubs to plague daddy to babysit and we started flying toward endgame (whatever the fuck that was, clearly none of us actually knew how homestuck worked, we literally just flew into the void), where something was waiting to kill my bae. bae went out in some glorious martyrdom and fell off the boat into the void with his sword still in his enemy. i was actually really upset about this because i didnt expect this. of course, with a character capable of destroying matter, what does my very distraunt edgelord do? he tries to destroy the whole fucking universe, because he was upset and had the power to literally destroy matter, starting with the boat. just. gonna kill all his friends yo. somehow, plague daddy got close enough to calm him down by pointing at a light in the void. with the ship i had personally ensured was not in flying condition, we flew to the light. there, we found the spirit of my dead lover holding a very large lightswitch and another troll egg, which apparently contained his and mine's character's son. instead of using the canon mechanism of the scratch to restart the universe, we had to make up shit because we had no time player, thus no beat matrix, thus nothing we could possibly fucking scratch. this is where that light switch came in- instead of resetting the universe, we were creating an alternate one, where our characters supposedly never would exist, save for plague daddy and our children because they were never supposed to be in the game to begin with and thus would simply be transported to the new reality and survive. well, we apparently thought this was a grand idea, so my character flipped that damn switch- so i still inadvertently ended the whole fucking world. our characters still had alternate reality selves, contrary to what we believed, and were all in the mafia? plague daddy still had all of his memories and were raising the babies belonging to the two of us as his own- to hell with the other couple's child, apparently, but he was a good dad toward them despite being an underground doctor.

and thats the story of how my mary sue character tried to fucking kill everybody. i was like 14, so i didnt grasp that this kind of behavior from a character... wasnt acceptable. we all were 14/15, so we were having a great time and i still remember it fondly.

 

[PhoenixMire]

i once made a character for a homestuck roleplay and tried to kill everyone, including my own daughter

he was a rainbowdrinker jadeblood troll with so much hair that he stored puppets in there (cut in rp after like five postd because i thought having it super long was too much work), had some sort of puppet fetish, used puppet strings as a weapon (got that idea from hellsing), was some sort of crazy yandere, and had some sort of tragic backstory where he was kidnapped and raped by multiple higher-blooded trolls and killed them all or something like that? i cant remember, but i do know that his marysue boyfriend who had two blood colors and was raised by a highblood plague doctor was less over the top than him.

to boot, my character had a lisp solely so i could write song as thong and was like, 5'10 but kept shrinking everytime i posted about his height until i changed it to 4'9 and stuck with that until i stopped playing him. he was the prince of space because i wanted to play the space character and liked the fact that the prince was the destroyer. frankly, i still like that godtier and would use it again if i could tolerate looking at the fandom.

for some reason, we started the rp with none of the characters knowing each other and already playing sgrub, and his future bae just sort of flew in on a large boat with father plague doctor (spelled: eugalp rotcod, im still attached to that last name to this day) while my character played with frogs, or screamed at them maybe? well, it was pretty much love at first sight, then my character went to, i dont know, get lost in the woods and kill himself to become a god? im certain thats not exactly what happened, but the rp was deleted five years ago so i dont remember, all i know is that within the first couple days of rp he had already godtiered in this session where nobody knew each other. i was stupid and thought that hed still be on the moon after becoming a matter destroying immortal, so he just fucking tossed plague daddy to the moon, we changed clothes, and flew planets away back to our boat home, where my character proceeded to have a panic attack because of the tragic backstory that i literally didnt even write anywhere until this moment and officially hooked up with his man. trauma healed, boyfriend achieved.

so you know what time it was after that? baby making time. and by that, i mean somebody else in the rp used ectoplasmic goo to make us the the tribloodcoloured baby of our dreams without asking. i think it was like, jade, cerulean, and purple? because, thankfully, we were only using canon colours, and i know there wasnt anything below my characters colour in there, so im 99% sure those were the colours. our characters did not wonder where the eggs this character brought us came from, but they were all shoved off on my characters because jadebloods were supposed to raise babies. of fucking course, the character i had written as very gay and psychotic up until this point knew everything about raising grubs, so he cared for the eggs while everyone else went on a spelunking adventure. this somehow meant our characters were meeting their ancestors, including mine who wasnt even fucking with them. ancestor man appeared, and was actually physically there somehow? despite being long dead? well, mary-sue love interest came back with his ancestor and a fucking third blood colour, which i clearly remember to be teal as, at that point, any other colour would have looked like shit with that combination. probably literal shit, as the remaining colours were dark green, brown, and yellow. thank god somebody in the rp had taken red, he pointedly said that any colour already used was "taken" and couldnt be used by anyone else, which of course included himself.

my character got scared, was comforted by troll #4 who was the only reasonable one of the bunch and after that his best friend forever, and then our children hatched. despite being a very gay couple, we had our daughter with a mixture of our blood colours and the other egg was a mixture of our other pairs colours, a red and blue boy. at the moment they saw their son hatch, they decided that maybe they should date. love interest's ancestor vanished after making out with my characters ancestor and my ancestor just chilled in the cave to wait for the end of the world, because he couldnt disappear yet or something? maybe he was actually a vampire and hadnt died yet so he was just awaiting death, we all liked the whole rainbow drinker thing homestuck did so of course we couldnt just NOT do that. no explanation on how he wouldve gotten into our session if that was the case, he just sort of was. schrodingers troll.

so back on the boat, we gave our grubs to plague daddy to babysit and we started flying toward endgame (whatever the fuck that was, clearly none of us actually knew how homestuck worked, we literally just flew into the void), where something was waiting to kill my bae. bae went out in some glorious martyrdom and fell off the boat into the void with his sword still in his enemy. i was actually really upset about this because i didnt expect this. of course, with a character capable of destroying matter, what does my very distraunt edgelord do? he tries to destroy the whole fucking universe, because he was upset and had the power to literally destroy matter, starting with the boat. just. gonna kill all his friends yo. somehow, plague daddy got close enough to calm him down by pointing at a light in the void. with the ship i had personally ensured was not in flying condition, we flew to the light. there, we found the spirit of my dead lover holding a very large lightswitch and another troll egg, which apparently contained his and mine's character's son. instead of using the canon mechanism of the scratch to restart the universe, we had to make up shit because we had no time player, thus no beat matrix, thus nothing we could possibly fucking scratch. this is where that light switch came in- instead of resetting the universe, we were creating an alternate one, where our characters supposedly never would exist, save for plague daddy and our children because they were never supposed to be in the game to begin with and thus would simply be transported to the new reality and survive. well, we apparently thought this was a grand idea, so my character flipped that damn switch- so i still inadvertently ended the whole fucking world. our characters still had alternate reality selves, contrary to what we believed, and were all in the mafia? plague daddy still had all of his memories and were raising the babies belonging to the two of us as his own- to hell with the other couple's child, apparently, but he was a good dad toward them despite being an underground doctor.

and thats the story of how my mary sue character tried to fucking kill everybody. i was like 14, so i didnt grasp that this kind of behavior from a character... wasnt acceptable. we all were 14/15, so we were having a great time and i still remember it fondly.

I know literally nothing about Homestuck (except that there are trolls in it) so reading this was a ride

 

[Necromantic]

I know literally nothing about Homestuck (except that there are trolls in it) so reading this was a ride

honestly i never read it, i just really liked roleplaying it lol. i learned like that and the times i tried to read it, but i never even finished the first act.

 

[Purple Kitti]

MY GOD I'M LAUGHING SO DAMN HARD RIGHT NOW.

You win. Where's the trophy??

 

[Zem]

Oof. Because I’m new to RP I haven’t really had a chance to make a Mary Sue. I probably have, but chances are I just don’t remember. My memory is worse than my brother’s acne. Anywho, instead, I’ll tell you about someone else’s Mary Sue that came up while role playing.

So, the OC’s name was ‘Silver’. Her race is a god, she’s all-knowing, all powerful, and she has no weaknesses. She has a sob story past where she was majorly abused, and is now a hit man for the president. She raids terrorist bases and kills thousands of people there in her free time with a single throwing knife. If that wasn’t Mary Sue-ish enough for ya, she made the entire RP about herself.

I’m sorry if any of this came off as harmful or offensive to her or anyone else. She’s a really nice person, she can just get carried away when it comes to RP

 

[Purple Kitti]

How do you abuse a goddess with no weaknesses?

 

[BackSet]

Jensen Wildier who was just a self-insert. Then I got better at roleplaying and made him a legitimately good character.

 

[rae2nerdy]

How do you abuse a goddess with no weaknesses?

If I had to guess it was a logical disconnect the player didn't think about. But in the hands of a good player it could just be cold-blooded manipulation. Goddess was never harmed by anyone but they are smart enough to know if they pull out the crocodile tears and the sad backstory the bleeding heart idiots of the world will fall all over themselves to give them a second chance.

Honestly characters like that are always so much wasted potential to me. Like they would make such intriguing villains but the players never seem to realize that.

 

[MasterRed]

This wasn’t mine, but this was probably the best place to put this story. I was once in a trainwreck of a Homestuck roleplay, and I think I've posted about this person before, but I haven’t mentioned much about his character?

Ok so he’s part troll half horrorterror. What. That makes no sense. He starts messaging my character (a disabled antisocial goldblood) and they actually have some chemistry! They end up in a slightly forced romantic relationship that I was a bit uncomfortable with but I didn’t mention it. Then like he got us all, or at least me and him, to god tier super cool and? How did he know about it? I think it had something to do with being half horrorterror which ALREADY MAKES NO SENSE. Then he went into a Lord English like form for some reason I don’t remember, and I remember he was like? Absurdly powerful but I don’t remember the specifics this was at least a year ago. Then like my character had to do like a scratch thing that wasn’t a scratch by hitting something with my slingshot? I remember it being a bit confusing. Then I just kinda slowly drifted out of the group because the person playing the character made me a bit uncomfortable.

I don’t know what the point of this story is. Don’t allow characters that seem a bit suspect I guess. I remember he tried to make another character on the new universe we made who was a lesbian hypnotising lamia and that character would have probably been Mary Sue-ish if I stuck around but I didn’t. Even though I made my character deliberately very young to avoid creepiness lol.

 

[MagentaDreams]

I unfortunately don't remember the name of this character (or maybe fortunately, lol), but one of my first ever OCs I ever made was this super mysterious guy who wore a cloak that completely covered his appearance, never directly interacted with anyone, and communicated in nothing but edgy and "mysterious" phrases

Oh and BTW, he had the ability to warp reality. Yeah. No explanation as to why or how, he just did

 

[Abientot]

oh la la, I've been rping for years, mostly on Quotev though I did travel quite a few websites.

My first oc ever was a teenage girl named Alex who I modeled her description off of a girl I had a crush on in middle school. It was one of those basic highschool roleplays (I don't do those anymore) where she basically got a boyfriend in less than an hour, her backstory was revealed to have a dead mother. Her boyfriend got beaten up but luckily her dad, a doctor was able to patch him up and somehow didn't get mad or want to take him to the hospital. It was this entire drama that I would like to say was mostly my partners fault, I was new and he was teaching me badly.

Also during my early rp days I was in this zombie apocalypse group. It was fantastic, like 30 people total chaos. My OCs were a teen mom of a 2 year old, and her 12 year old brother. At one point someone else made a 12 year old who ended up getting bitten by a wolf so she was turned into a werewolf. My angsty preteen and hers ended up being in a relationship and he told her to bite him so they could run away together. So she did and they ran off to live as wolves for the rest of their days. Oh and the same person who made the one who was bitten by a werewolf ended up getting pregnant and having triplets a week later. And I killed off the mom so I was just playing a 2 year old helpless kid.

I once met someone who only played Arianna Grande. No, not her fc was Arianna Grande, her character was Arianna Grande. And she never read other peoples forms. So she would join a group and just start rping without ever making a form or anything. She plagued the forums of that website for a while until eventually she was blocked by almost everyone.

This is a formal apology to all of my old rp partners. I'm sorry for the hell I caused. I was 11. I truly feel horrible for the pain I caused.

 

[forsythia]

I once met someone who only played Arianna Grande. No, not her fc was Arianna Grande, her character was Arianna Grande. And she never read other peoples forms. So she would join a group and just start rping without ever making a form or anything. She plagued the forums of that website for a while until eventually she was blocked by almost everyone.

as annoying as that probably was, i'm just dying over the idea of ariana grande randomly appearing in a bunch of different scenarios, especially ones that don't make sense for her to be in.

in the middle of a space adventure? well, get ready for ariana grande! who cares if she was here in the first place, it's ariana grande!

 

[BackSet]

as annoying as that probably was, i'm just dying over the idea of ariana grande randomly appearing in a bunch of different scenarios, especially ones that don't make sense for her to be in.

in the middle of a space adventure? well, get ready for ariana grande! who cares if she was here in the first place, it's ariana grande!

There needs to be a tv show that takes various famous movies (back to the future, star wars, etc) and randomly inserts Ariana Grande into random scenes.

 

[Redfork2000]

My worst Mary-Sue? Well, it's tough for me to admit it, but my first MLP OC I ever made used to be really Mary-Sueish.

His name is Red Fork. A red unicorn with blue mane, and a fork as a cutiemark. What was so Mary-sueish about him? Well...

I made a villain OC that was basically a mad scientist unicorn, and made that villain go after Twilight to try and steal her magic. Red Fork would come in and be "the hero" who saves Twilight from this villain. And I wasn't very good at writing romance at the time, because in that story I made Twilight Sparkle have a crush on Red Fork ever since that incident. Worse yet, later I had others such as Rainbow Dash and Rarity develop crushes on him too. I made many other OCs, and there were at least three OCs that had a crush on him too.

Oh, yeah, and there's the fact that I made him unreasonably powerful. You see, one of his main character traits was his gluttony. He'd alway be eating all kind of stuff, so he'd be a bit fat. He'd usually hang around reading something or playing some videogame. He never trained himself. Despite that, he ran almost as fast as Rainbow Dash could fly, he was stronger than Applejack was, and for some reason, I decided it was a good idea for him to have magic almost as powerful as Twilight Sparkle. That, and the fact that during that first story, whenever the Mane Six were together, they'd talk about Red Fork as if he was the coolest thing ever.

Oh yeah, and also the fact that I had Trixie have a crush on him, and hate Twilight even more because of the fact that Red Fork had set his eyes on Twilight. So yeah, way too powerful, and half of the female characters that showed up had crushes on him. Not good at all.

I fixed the character nowadays, and he's not Mary-Sueish anymore, since I balanced his power, and made it so there's not a dozen ponies with crushes on him, but yeah, he used to be that Mary-Sueish. It's a bit embarassing, but nowadays, when I look back, it really helps me see I've come a long way since those days. Nowadays Red Fork isn't Mary-Sueish anymore, since I rewrote him after becoming a bit more mature as a writer. But yeah, my main MLP OC used to be my most Mary-Sueish creation ever.

 

[Rose-Chan]

OH BOY where to start with Illusion and Zoro.

Okay, so back before i ad any roleplay experiemce, i did pokemon roleplay. Particularly, i played rp based around a character (and eventually his brother) these were Illusion and Zoro (respectively) two Zoroark characters. What is the *problem* woth these two? They wrre essentially oerfect in anything they did. Especially illusion. At the time of creating illusion i was also a huge LOZ ocarina of time fan. SO i basically made this Pokemon who was perfect at fighting,running climving.. Maneuvering...and had the ability to play a magical instrument. Not only that he was entirely venerated as the protector of a forest that *you couldnt leave unless he allowed you to* maybe this is less mary-sue and more OP but gosh. I *hate* looking back at some of that character's dumb traits.

His brother was essentially the opposite, he was just ordinary, beyond having really stronger-than-average dark power for pokemon. Oh no wait, nevermind. He was a servant of Giratina, a legemdary pokemon, and essentially had the power to detroy the world if illusion wasnt keeping him in check.

It was dumb. I hate looking back at it, but i love the stupidity of it, and sweing that uve at least *somewhat* grown as a writer. Regardless,unsure if this qualifies but i wanted to get the story out there!

 

[BackSet]

That second one sounds like it could be interesting if done right. Sounds like it wasn't done right, though.

 

[Rose-Chan]

That second one sounds like it could be interesting if done right. Sounds like it wasn't done right, though.

Actually, i did do a revival after a year and felt zoro was the better character. He avtually had alot of development but im done with him now. He's done. Illusion also (eventually) calmed down. Im not gonna go into details, but some fun stuff arose later.

 

[forsythia]

going to drop in a few more becuase i like talking about my rp past. so back when i used roblox as my main form of roleplay, i was always at this one warrior cats game. here's a few that i can remember off of the top of my head; so prepare for cringe-worthy stuff from ten/eleven year old me

one of my main characters i roleplayed was this loner named slash. the biggest thing about her was that she turned evil at night. she turned ginger when she was evil, for some reason. i think i wanted her to have an "evil form" or something? she'd go out and attack people at night. for some reason, i expected people to trust her during the day, despite the fact that she attacked them. a few people would, though it led to my character having many enemies + me not understanding why.

forgot her name, but i also had this blind character who could still beat everyone in a fight, despite me even stating that she wasn't very strong? her blindness was for me to try and make her an underdog, but i never understood how blindness worked at the time, so i just made her not able to see things + only made it important in situations that i would pick and choose. [so she was able to fight people easy with no explanation, but she'd get sad about not being able to see pretty things for the sake of "woe is me, i have a bad life"]

i also had this girl named willowfall, who was basically the 'no negative traits' mary-sue type. she was perfect in every way, yet had a dark back story, where she had the most evil father in all of the clan's history [despite him never being mentioned until he was relevant to the plot.] my plot was pretty lame too; it consisted of willow getting a boyfriend and then getting possessed by her father to try and murder him. [and then other people if he succeeded.] he always failed, as the possession was basically counteraccted by the guy confessing his feelings. seriously, this is how it went down every time, since i managed to get it to happen more than once. i honestly have no idea why this specific plot appealed to me, but i always tried to get it going whenever i had willow for use, and i believe i tried using it a few times once i actually got into forum roleplays.

 

[Taraninja16]

Sadly, I don't have many of my older writing samples, since my former computer broke; but I just happened to find this little gem:

Tara couldn't believe her eyes. Right in front of her, Sam, her friend of two years, was broken in half in the most brutal of ways. She backed up, tears starting to come to her eyes. Her parents, and siblings, had already been killed, and now her closest friend from the orphanage was next....and soon, she would join that list as well. The man turned towards her, his leather gloves now bloodsoaked, and started to choke her out. Tara felt pain....but this was soon overwhelmed by rage, and an utter disgust. How dare this man think he had the right to kill her. If she had survived for this long, and faced all odds, then she was NOT going to let it all end because of a stupid, psychotic gardener!

"Let...go...of me!" she screamed, pushing her hands into his chest. Now, if any normal human had tried this, then the man would have just laughed and killed them in another few seconds. However, Tara was no normal human. A powerful burst of augmented wind flowed from her palms, and burst straight through the man's chest. He coughed blood, sullying Tara's golden blond hair, and then fell down before her. A breath of relief came out of Tara's mouth...then, the gravity of her situation came crushing down on her all at once. Not only had her close friend been murdered right in front of her, but she had become exactly like the man who committed the act. She had taken a human life, and suddenly, the orphanage caretaker's words seemed to ring true. She leaned heavily against a tree, tears falling down her blood-soaked cheeks. "God, I am a monster...is that why I am still alive? Am I to be the vessel of all destruction?"

 

[Abientot]

"God, I am a monster...is that why I am still alive? Am I to be the vessel of all destruction?"

I'm just proud you didn't write in script.

 

[Taraninja16]

I'm just proud you didn't write in script.

I actually might have, I just copy-pasted that from Wattpad onto Word, so it might have ended up looking better as a result.

 

[BackSet]

Sadly, I don't have many of my older writing samples, since my former computer broke; but I just happened to find this little gem:

Tara couldn't believe her eyes. Right in front of her, Sam, her friend of two years, was broken in half in the most brutal of ways. She backed up, tears starting to come to her eyes. Her parents, and siblings, had already been killed, and now her closest friend from the orphanage was next....and soon, she would join that list as well. The man turned towards her, his leather gloves now bloodsoaked, and started to choke her out. Tara felt pain....but this was soon overwhelmed by rage, and an utter disgust. How dare this man think he had the right to kill her. If she had survived for this long, and faced all odds, then she was NOT going to let it all end because of a stupid, psychotic gardener!

"Let...go...of me!" she screamed, pushing her hands into his chest. Now, if any normal human had tried this, then the man would have just laughed and killed them in another few seconds. However, Tara was no normal human. A powerful burst of augmented wind flowed from her palms, and burst straight through the man's chest. He coughed blood, sullying Tara's golden blond hair, and then fell down before her. A breath of relief came out of Tara's mouth...then, the gravity of her situation came crushing down on her all at once. Not only had her close friend been murdered right in front of her, but she had become exactly like the man who committed the act. She had taken a human life, and suddenly, the orphanage caretaker's words seemed to ring true. She leaned heavily against a tree, tears falling down her blood-soaked cheeks. "God, I am a monster...is that why I am still alive? Am I to be the vessel of all destruction?"

There are so many problems with this. Not least of all the fact that young you apparently didn't understand that humans couldn't be cleaved neatly in half like that becausenyou'd need to cut through bones, blood, flesh, organs, and a million other things at the same time.

 

[Taraninja16]

There are so many problems with this. Not least of all the fact that young you apparently didn't understand that humans couldn't be cleaved neatly in half like that becausenyou'd need to cut through bones, blood, flesh, organs, and a million other things at the same time.

You're absolutely right, I got my facts about anatomy and physics mostly from action movies at the time. Also, the tropes of having everyone she loved die, being able to use her power only when it is convenient, and being an edgy blonde 'princess' all add to the negative factors as well. And I can't forget the dreadful continuance of ellipsis everywhere!