Untitled, Teaser

[Alexandra]

I like it as a teaser, and I'm pretty much ok with it as-is if you're going to make certain later on, or perhaps beforehand, that the reader knows who and what Kiva and her kind are, and that the humans are the "apes" they refer to. Not stating the obvious, because that wouldn't be fun at all, but by choosing a few words extremely carefully.


It's interesting to read, and I want to see more of it; but I would hate to see a bit of miscommunication detracting from the enjoyment of the setting and characters. Like...what's happening is serious; a bunch of children are about to be murdered. And for that to have impact, there needs to be no room for interpretation to the contrary.

 

[Grey]

Bumping because of a new audience

 

[Alexandra]

And bumping because you have more to add.....?

 

[Grey]

As soon as I figure out why g-drive won't open, yes.

 

[Tom-Pen]

It is possible you have long since scrapped this, or finished it, but nevertheless I have a few things to say about it.


My first reading was quite nice and I enjoyed your work with easy eyes. But for my second reading however my eyes were not so easy, I looked much closer at the work and began to pick out things that I saw might need some changing or cleaning. For instance, your use of commas is bordering on excessive which makes for slightly clunky reading. It is important to remember the function of a comma, it is is a small break, and, the, more, you, use, them, the clunkier your sentences start to sound. I have found that having a mix of longer more complicated sentences, the sort with commas and other such punctuation, and shorter simple sentences with minimal punctuation, can be helpful. This can allow for a smooth flow that is easy on the reader. It can also allow you, as the writer, to dictate their speed through certain portions of the story; this can be done by creating complicated sentences, like this one, where there is important information to be read and then, where the information is less key to the story, use simple sentences.


Now there were a few other things I thought could use a little work but I don't think they are worth dwelling on.


I would also like to praise the ability to build curiosity that this particular work shows. Once I started reading I found myself unable to stop because I truly wanted to find answers to the constantly stacking questions I was accumulating.


Have a good one!

 

[Grey]

Thank you, that's useful stuff. I have a propensity to abuse dashes and semicolons most of the time, but I see what you mean about the commas here. Thankfully now it's been pointed out to me I can see easy fixes and keep an eye out in the rest of the text.. Cheers! If you find any of my other stuff feel free to critique that too.