Other transitioning and coming out publicly (trans/nb word-vomit)

[heartstringss]

hi so i'm gonna do a really big thing for myself and ask for advice... hoo boy does this terrify me. honestly, i don't do this often, but i've been really struggling for the past several years and especially the past few months with coming out and finally starting my transition, and i guess it's just been eating me up inside. i know this isn't a community of therapists, but i figure i can at least ask for shared experiences right??? i mostly just need support and want advice from anyone who has had a similar experience of figuring out how to work up the courage to talk about trans feels with your doctor and learning how to cope with fear of judgment and working up nerve.

i'm 26 years old myself and i think i've known that i'm somewhere on the trans/nb spectrum for at least the past 4 years. i know there're a lot of nonbinary people around here and uh... maybe a few trans people too??? in all honesty, there are certain parts of my body that i know i'd really like to change, but aside from buying a binder and buying a lot more boy clothes and always keeping my hair short for the past 10+ years and starting to go by ely online, i just can't seem to take any further steps than that. i go to the doctor for a check-up telling myself i'm finally going to ask about starting the process of how to apply for top surgery and get a hysto and maybe looking into low-dose testosterone and then they ask me if there's anything else i need to talk about and i just clam up and immediately say "no" ASDKGDKR

i even went to get a breast exam when i thought i felt a lump at planned parenthood and they asked me my pronouns and had pamphlets on gender stuff in the office and it's like everything was right there in front of me set up exactly the way i needed and i still couldn't fucking do it. if there's any other trans/nonbinary people here who've managed to start the process of gender confirmation and transitioning the next level, how did you do it? how did you finally convince yourself you needed to start the process to get this done and that everything would be okay? like i know a lot of the process is just having to getting over that hump and opening up, but just... ugh. i don't know. i literally even have a doctor's name i can call for getting started that a friend gave me who i KNOW from their experience that they're really supportive and such, but i just can't fucking do it.

i also can't stop worrying about what people at my work will say if i go from wanting to be identified as "hailley" to "ely" (like i've already done that all online, even on FB, but i typically lie about why i go by Ely to people from my work when they ask)... and then there's the conflict that could arise from any wishy-washiness that might crop up on my end as i discover more and more, while also still not feeling fully comfortable with different binary standards like which bathroom i'm supposed to use, which locker room i should go in (we don't have gender-neutral bathrooms at my work or in most of my area, and even though i think i'd most like to present as male, i don't feel comfortable around other men AT ALL, like it genuinely scares me to even think of putting myself in a male-dominated environment that opens up to the possibility of judgment or, god forbid, being physically attacked or assaulted or even verbally confronted, even just people looking at me the wrong way really fucks me up DSFSDG i have really bad social anxiety).

i don't know what i want, i just know i'm mostly masc-leaning and that i feel a lot more comfortable around women, like sometimes i'm in the middle of feeling both boy and girl, but mostly i just wish i was a boy. ugh i'm such a goddamn coward. sorry, i know this is a bit chaotic and a lot to unpack at once and that i might not be super coherent, i'm just spilling words out of my brain at this point because i know if i think about it too hard i'm going to back out, please HALP i'm scurred

 

[Folly-Derrezzed]

I wouldnt know, personally, but id think that most people in your workplace wouldnt really care if your trans, yknow? As long as your still you at heart, a good worker, and friendly im sure that they would pat you on the back and give you your usual paperwork(or whatever, depending on what you work in). Best thing to do s just take things one step at a time and dont overthink it. Yknow?

 

[heartstringss]

I wouldnt know, personally, but id think that most people in your workplace wouldnt really care if your trans, yknow? As long as your still you at heart, a good worker, and friendly im sure that they would pat you on the back and give you your usual paperwork(or whatever, depending on what you work in). Best thing to do s just take things one step at a time and dont overthink it. Yknow?

it's a nice thought but sadly that's not always the case, especially when you live in certain areas like a southern-oriented midwest state, as i do. i appreciate the sentiment, but a simple 'people probably won't care' doesn't really apply the same with trans people as it does with some of the gay/bi/lesbian issues. "one step at a time and don't overthink it" is certainly true, but there's a lot of fear for safety that's the main issue here.

 

[heartstringss]

*cough*

are... are we allowed to bump personal discussion pages?
oh well, i'm doing it anyway—

 

[dirt]

I'm transgender, but unfortunately, I'm only fifteen and pre-transition. I can't really help you with transitioning "to the next level," if you mean what I think you do. And it's kind of the same thing for coming out to the general public, since I'm still not out yet. The best I'm doing right now is being open on the internet, and right now, that's enough for me. But since you're older than me, I guess that's not the way the world works. I'm so sorry I wasn't much help, I thought I'd be more helpful...

 

[heartstringss]

I'm transgender, but unfortunately, I'm only fifteen and pre-transition. I can't really help you with transitioning "to the next level," if you mean what I think you do. And it's kind of the same thing for coming out to the general public, since I'm still not out yet. The best I'm doing right now is being open on the internet, and right now, that's enough for me. But since you're older than me, I guess that's not the way the world works. I'm so sorry I wasn't much help, I thought I'd be more helpful...

you're okay, you don't have to necessarily have all the answers because that's not even really all I'm looking for - I just want a better support system, I guess? I am pretty open about it on the internet, and there are people in my real life who know too, but... it's the broader scale that I'm struggling with, especially talking to my doctor about starting any sort of physical transition. you're so young, please don't feel like you have to be able to give me answers. trans solidarity is so important, just your reaching out means so much too.

 

[stark.]

hello ! ...im not transgender, so i cannot relate to ur experiences & u don't know me, but i hope u know that im always here if u need to vent. please don't think urself a coward bc firstly, ur so brave to have come out online in the first place & secondly, u should be able to take as much time as u need to feel ready. i won't be able to give u much advice bc i haven't experienced anything that u have gone through, but i hope that u know that there's always somebody u can talk to. (ik this wasn't much help, but feel free to reach out if u ever need to & if u don't, that's okay too!) ♡