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The Torn Banner

SirDerpingtonIV said:
He's the host
Click to expand...
....
*turns around, starts walking to the magical alter coming out of nowhere.*
*knees down on the floor, puts hands up*
"OH DEAR GOD, HELP SAVE ME FROM THE EDGY FIRE INCOMING INTO MY ASSHOLE!"
*a great light appears*
"Ah fuck you!" -GOD
*collapses*
"Bleh."
*dead*
*reborn*
"MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR"
"fine... I'm ready for my FATE!"
 
IMG_0704.jpg
The Chronicler said:
....
*turns around, starts walking to the magical alter coming out of nowhere.*
*knees down on the floor, puts hands up*
"OH DEAR GOD, HELP SAVE ME FROM THE EDGY FIRE INCOMING INTO MY ASSHOLE!"
*a great light appears*
"Ah fuck you!" -GOD
*collapses*
"Bleh."
*dead*
*reborn*
"MOTHERFUCKERRRRRRR"
"fine... I'm ready for my FATE!"
Click to expand...
 
DON'T READ THIS, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.​

"Afternoon, everyone. Have a seat. Get a cup of coffee and a muffin. Also, a reminder: the Seminar Rooms are a weapons-free zone. Please make sure you've surrendered your weapons at the reception desk. I know, it's bullshit, but the last thing I need is an O5 complaining because one of you was walking around the Blue Zones with your piece. Everyone good? Cool."

"Today's seminar is about a subject near and dear to my heart: Reality Benders. Type Greens. Mary Sues. Bixbies, Shapers, Wizards, Gods, Devils, Outside Observers, call them what you will, these are the guys that change reality based on perception and willpower. I've made a career out of both containing and killing these guys. You're here to get certified to do the same thing."

"Want to know my secret? We'll get to that later. First of all, I want you to take a look at the doors to the seminar room. Notice something about them? Look again. What doors?"

"Yes. The doors are gone. Take a closer look if you want. Touch them. They're not there. The doors have literally disappeared. But that's okay, right? You can still get out the windows if you want. Except there's one small problem. There aren't any windows in this room either, are there? All the windows are gone. There's nothing but four blank walls, a ceiling, and a floor. No way out. But how did you get in?"

"Starting to freak out a bit? Don't worry, just take a deep breath. You're going to be all right. Just a bit of a change to the way the room's set up. It's not like anything worse is happening. I mean, it could be worse, right? At least you're safe in here. It's not like the desks are coming alive to kill you now, is it? Oh wait, yes they are. The FUCKING DESKS ARE GOING TO KILL YOU."

"What you gonna do? HOW YOU GONNA SURVIVE? THE GODDAMN ROOM IS ALIVE AND GOING TO EAT YOU. WATCH FOR THOSE FUCKING DESKS, THEY'VE GOT TEETH. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE, NOW. YOU WANNA LIVE? YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT! DON'T TRY TO DENY IT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS REAL. THIS IS HAPPENING. THIS IS A REALITY BEND, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE UNLESS YOU CAN FIGHT IT NOW!"

"Oh, I see, a real TOUGH guy, huh? What the fuck are you gonna do with that 9mm? That gun really going to do anything? Against a REALITY BENDER!? I can turn your goddamn bullets into sand. I can turn your eyes into jello. I can turn your GUN into a fucking BAGEL, now PUT THAT DAMN GUN DOWN AND LIE THE FUCK DOWN ON THE GROUND, YOU FUCKNUGGET. I AM A LIVING GOD, AND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FUCKING INSECT!"

"What do I want? WHAT DO I WANT!? What the shit do I need from a fucking turd like you? I don't want ANYTHING that you can give me except to be my plaything. And that's ALL you fuckers are gonna be! You're gonna be nothing but toys in front of this God-King for all eternity. There is NO escape, NO respite. You will LIVE when I say LIVE, you will DIE only if I allow it. There is NOTHING LEFT BUT MY IMAGINATION, and you are all FIGMENTS OF IT!!!"

"…"

"… all right, hit the lights. Everyone breathe in and out, deep. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out… you feeling better now? Let me tell you what just happened."

"Each and every one of you has just had a bad trip. All of the food on that back table was laced with a powerful hallucinogen. It's my own personal recipe. In addition to hallucinations, it renders one very susceptible to suggestion. Combined with some simple hypnosis and some special effects trickery, the end result is as close as we can get to showing you what a Reality Bender's attack feels like. The support staff are pumping an aerosolized counteragent into the air vents as we speak. It's going to feel like shit in a moment. You'll find barf bags under your chairs. Take a moment to let it all out."

"I want you to reflect back on that moment when you realized what was happening. Do you remember that feeling of helplessness? Do you remember what it felt like to realize that reality no longer existed, and you were nothing but toys for a hostile will that controlled EVERYTHING?"

"Remember that. And hold onto it the first time you're about to go up against a Reality Bender. If you ever think that, maybe, you can contain them? Or maybe they can be reasoned with? Remember what it felt like when you were tripping balls and nothing was real."

"Then kill that motherfucker before he knows you're even there."

"You're all certified now. Class Dismissed."
 
The Chronicler said:
DON'T READ THIS, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.​

"Afternoon, everyone. Have a seat. Get a cup of coffee and a muffin. Also, a reminder: the Seminar Rooms are a weapons-free zone. Please make sure you've surrendered your weapons at the reception desk. I know, it's bullshit, but the last thing I need is an O5 complaining because one of you was walking around the Blue Zones with your piece. Everyone good? Cool."

"Today's seminar is about a subject near and dear to my heart: Reality Benders. Type Greens. Mary Sues. Bixbies, Shapers, Wizards, Gods, Devils, Outside Observers, call them what you will, these are the guys that change reality based on perception and willpower. I've made a career out of both containing and killing these guys. You're here to get certified to do the same thing."

"Want to know my secret? We'll get to that later. First of all, I want you to take a look at the doors to the seminar room. Notice something about them? Look again. What doors?"

"Yes. The doors are gone. Take a closer look if you want. Touch them. They're not there. The doors have literally disappeared. But that's okay, right? You can still get out the windows if you want. Except there's one small problem. There aren't any windows in this room either, are there? All the windows are gone. There's nothing but four blank walls, a ceiling, and a floor. No way out. But how did you get in?"

"Starting to freak out a bit? Don't worry, just take a deep breath. You're going to be all right. Just a bit of a change to the way the room's set up. It's not like anything worse is happening. I mean, it could be worse, right? At least you're safe in here. It's not like the desks are coming alive to kill you now, is it? Oh wait, yes they are. The FUCKING DESKS ARE GOING TO KILL YOU."

"What you gonna do? HOW YOU GONNA SURVIVE? THE GODDAMN ROOM IS ALIVE AND GOING TO EAT YOU. WATCH FOR THOSE FUCKING DESKS, THEY'VE GOT TEETH. GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM THERE, NOW. YOU WANNA LIVE? YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FIGHT! DON'T TRY TO DENY IT, YOU MOTHERFUCKERS, THIS IS REAL. THIS IS HAPPENING. THIS IS A REALITY BEND, AND YOU'RE GOING TO DIE UNLESS YOU CAN FIGHT IT NOW!"

"Oh, I see, a real TOUGH guy, huh? What the fuck are you gonna do with that 9mm? That gun really going to do anything? Against a REALITY BENDER!? I can turn your goddamn bullets into sand. I can turn your eyes into jello. I can turn your GUN into a fucking BAGEL, now PUT THAT DAMN GUN DOWN AND LIE THE FUCK DOWN ON THE GROUND, YOU FUCKNUGGET. I AM A LIVING GOD, AND YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A FUCKING INSECT!"

"What do I want? WHAT DO I WANT!? What the shit do I need from a fucking turd like you? I don't want ANYTHING that you can give me except to be my plaything. And that's ALL you fuckers are gonna be! You're gonna be nothing but toys in front of this God-King for all eternity. There is NO escape, NO respite. You will LIVE when I say LIVE, you will DIE only if I allow it. There is NOTHING LEFT BUT MY IMAGINATION, and you are all FIGMENTS OF IT!!!"

"…"

"… all right, hit the lights. Everyone breathe in and out, deep. Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out… you feeling better now? Let me tell you what just happened."

"Each and every one of you has just had a bad trip. All of the food on that back table was laced with a powerful hallucinogen. It's my own personal recipe. In addition to hallucinations, it renders one very susceptible to suggestion. Combined with some simple hypnosis and some special effects trickery, the end result is as close as we can get to showing you what a Reality Bender's attack feels like. The support staff are pumping an aerosolized counteragent into the air vents as we speak. It's going to feel like shit in a moment. You'll find barf bags under your chairs. Take a moment to let it all out."

"I want you to reflect back on that moment when you realized what was happening. Do you remember that feeling of helplessness? Do you remember what it felt like to realize that reality no longer existed, and you were nothing but toys for a hostile will that controlled EVERYTHING?"

"Remember that. And hold onto it the first time you're about to go up against a Reality Bender. If you ever think that, maybe, you can contain them? Or maybe they can be reasoned with? Remember what it felt like when you were tripping balls and nothing was real."

"Then kill that motherfucker before he knows you're even there."

"You're all certified now. Class Dismissed."
Click to expand...
I hate you already
 
  1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to feed anything with peanut butter to Kain.
  2. Telling new researchers that you can tame SCP-682 with a rolled up newspaper and a tummy rub is right out.
  3. No longer allowed to challenge Able to unwinnable games like tic-tac-toe. It was three weeks before Able conceded a draw.
  4. SCP-018 is not to be taunted!
  5. Giving 113 to Diogenes is just plain pointless.
  6. Attempting to disprove 343, to 343, is a horrible idea. Agents are still studying the resulting paperweight, supposedly so heavy that 343 should not be able to lift it.
  7. While it is true that "No one expects the SCP Inquisition!", that is only because there is no such thing.
  8. Dr. Bright is not king of anywhere. Or queen.
  9. SCP-963 is not to be used for recreational or procreational purposes.
  10. Although it is entirely possible to use SCPs currently under control of the Foundation to create tentacle monsters, no.
    1. Not even if Dr. Palmer asks nicely.
  11. There is no market for SCP brand pornography.
    1. No, not even in Germany.
    2. It probably would generate a great deal of revenue if sold in Japan but still, 682 on █████, Jesus Christ man.
  12. Should not replace the buckshot in Dr. Clef's shotgun shells with any of the following: birdseed, confetti, cake sprinkles, sawdust, or sexual lubricant.
  13. Should not replace Dr. Rights' lamp with a "novelty" lamp shaped like a marital aid.
    1. Should not replace Dr. Rights marital aids with a 'novelty' aid shaped like a lamp.
  14. The Better Business Bureau is not the correct agency for dealing with containment failures from horrible eldritch artifacts sold by Marshall, Carter, and Dark.
  15. Dr. Bright must never come in contact with anyone under the age of 18. Let him contact them. It's the only way they'll learn. Just because it is a learning experience, does not mean anyone needs to come in contact with Bright.
  16. Any requests by Dr. Bright to utilize SCP-212 for enhancement are to be denied, due to several requests being submitted with the research goal stated as "to stick my privets in it and hope for the best."
    1. This includes requests to use it for enhancement of other organs. I don't care how awesome you think it would be, Bright. You should not be allowed to have telekinesis.
  17. Victims of SCP-217 are not toys.
  18. Dr. Bright is not allowed to bargain with personnel for their "souls" if they are unaware of SCP-158.
  19. Don't let Dr. Bright get a sample of SCP-379. Let my laptop be the last victim.
  20. Not allowed to go off my medication.
    1. Not allowed to pretend I have any medication to be on.
  21. May not use any form of the word 'accident' as an excuse.
  22. Violate the dress code, even on 'casual' Fridays.
    1. No matter how many times you say please, Dr. Bright, we won't put any of the hats you've been asking about into the dress code.
    2. Nor are you allowed to create and wear hats made using or out of various anomalous objects. We understand that your SCP-894 top hat collection has some tactical value, but that is not a valid reason to wear them in the presence of other researchers.
  23. If an SCP file says never to do something, it is not because we want to control your mind. Yes it is.
    1. No, it's not, and Dr. Bright may not edit this document.
  24. SCP-437 is not to be handed out as weaponry to unsuspecting new researchers.
  25. [DATA REDACTED ON O5 REQUEST]. Not even for recreational use.
  26. Not allowed to send Nigerian-esque spam email to the Church of the Broken God.
  27. Not allowed to lead a Mobile Task Force against the UIU under any circumstances. without inviting Dr. Clef at all. In fact, just stay 500 feet away from any Mobile Task Force at all times.
  28. Not allowed to end reports with lyrics from "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air".
    1. But is allowed to end with lyrics from the Safety Dance.
    2. The interpretive dance routine, however, is forbidden until he gets lessons for the foreseeable future.
  29. Dr. Bright is not allowed anywhere near a Renaissance Festival.
    1. Especially not with D-class in garb.
  30. SCP-963 is not a joy buzzer.
  31. If a mind-controlling SCP is discovered, it is to be turned over to the proper authorities. It is not to be used to advance himself or others higher in the Foundation. Kondraki
    1. Taking said mind controlling SCP to a strip club or Vegas shall be right out.
    2. Dr. Bright is NOT: A superhero of any sort, Head of Public Relations, in charge of Orientation for new staff, a doctor of psychology, a member of Site Command, made out of bacon, in possession of a IQ over 300, Head of SCP Review, or a member of Maintenance Staff. (Sorry boys, Dr. Bright IS a member of Site Command. It's usually best not to ask why. It's O5 Command you're thinking of.)
  32. There is no Ethics Committee.
    1. And even if there was, does anyone believe Dr. Bright would be on it?
    2. As anything other than a 'What not to do?'
  33. No longer allowed to make up jodies for morning calisthenics.
    1. Yes, this includes The Mickey Mouse Club song.
  34. Dr. Bright is not allowed to apply SCP-963 to any major political figures. Again.
  35. Dr. Bright is not from an alternate timeline.
    1. Dr. Bright cannot issue orders to "preserve the timeline".
    2. Or to "corrupt the timeline".
    3. Or to "screw with those history nerds".
  36. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge anyone to a duel, and then give them SCP-572.
  37. Dr. Bright is not allowed near SCP-5555-J in any way or any excuse. Remember what the miniature version did to Dr. L██████.
  38. Dr. Clef and Dr. Bright are not allowed to interact without the presence of a responsible administrator.
    1. Dr. Kondraki does not count as a responsible administrator.
    2. Nor does Agent Strelnikov.
    3. Or Dr. Mann.
    4. In fact, let's just keep the two of them apart, period.
  39. Chainsaws are not the solution to every question.
    1. Nor is 'More Chainsaws'.
    2. Or "Chainsaw cannons"
        1. Except for that one time. And yes, it was awesome.
  40. SCP speed dating never happened. Any one who claims to remember such an event should report to Site Command for administration of Class A amnesiac.
  41. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any SCP to alter or affect the outcomes of any reality based television shows, including but not limited to Survivor, Big Brother, Hell's Kitchen, American Idol, or any dating show on VH1.
    1. Not even if Dr. Rights asks nicely.
  42. [REDACTED], [REDACTED] hard.
  43. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer spankings to Dr. Rights as punishment, as it only causes more rules to be broken.
    1. No, it doesn't matter that they are both "consenting adults", no matter how much either of them argue otherwise.
    2. Dr. Rights is not allowed to spank the monkey.
    3. Nor is she allowed to shock the monkey.
    4. Or anything else related to the monkey.
  44. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-███ to make 'kick me' signs.
  45. SCP-082 is not to be given song requests, especially not "Like A Virgin".
  46. "Accidentally" spilling green gelatin on a dead body in the presence of the O5 was funny exactly once, and the smell of excrement exuding from O5-2's khakis spoiled the moment.
  47. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to utter the phrase "More than 1,000 babies" in the presence of any SCP personnel.
  48. Nothing in the Foundation is rated 'Over 9000.'
  49. Stop posting classified information on 4-chan.
  50. No using SCP-705 for personal gain.
    1. Or to plant monitoring equipment.
    2. And absolutely no giving them tons of extra Play-Doh 'just to see what they can make.' That Mecha was damned annoying!
  51. If it involves doing something wrong, it isn't right.
  52. If it involves something right, you did it wrong.
  53. If Dr. Bright has to ask, it's above his clearance level.
    1. If it's above Bright's security clearance… run.
  54. Dr. Bright is not allowed to declare war on any country, thing or person.
  55. A stripper a day keeps the doctor away. Dr. Bright is not allowed to contribute to this list. Besides, ██% of Foundation staff have their Ph.D. It'd take more than one stripper to keep them away.
    1. That is not a challenge!
  56. Foundation credit cards or expense accounts are not to be used to purchase pornography.
    1. Not even anomalous pornography.
  57. Dr. Bright is not a "marital aid" and cannot refer to himself as such. Especially on official documents.
  58. Dr. Bright is not the Lord of Rodly Might.
    1. And is hereby banned from playing Dungeons and Dragons making use of SCPs to 'simulate the real danger.'
  59. Dr. Bright is not allowed to go to fan conventions.
    1. Let alone use them as recruitment drives.
    2. Especially not at Furry Conventions.
  60. When writing a report, more detail is expected than "Object class: Keter. Special Containment Procedures: [DATA EXPUNGED]. Description: [DATA EXPUNGED]."
    1. And inventing new security clearances just so nobody can see what you've written is also considered poor form.
  61. Showing Monty Python episodes to SCP-239 was not a wise decision. Please never try this with any other reality warping SCP.
  62. "For the Emperor" is not an acceptable justification for any decision.
  63. "My evil twin did it" is no longer considered a viable excuse.
    1. Nor is "My good twin did it," considering the implications.
  64. Yes, forum trolls are annoying. No, they don't automatically become D-class personnel.
  65. Not allowed to lace 'orgasm muffins' with Ex-lax. Again.
  66. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send e-mails with memetic hazards attached.
    1. Not even when replying to spam.
  67. The "Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" is not grounds to pit more than fifteen combative SCPs, including SCP-682 and Able, against each other.
    1. "Weeding out some of these angsty teens with attitude problems," however, is.
    2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer 'Free Hugs', nor an act called 'Surprise █████████'.
  68. Not allowed to kick SCP-2558-J.
    1. Not allowed to play dodgeball with SCP-2558-J Not allowed to play any type of ball game with SCP-2558-J.
  69. Any proposal which includes the phrase 'Metric Fuck Load' is straight out denied.
  70. Instances of SCP-2558-J-Ex are not to be spooked when being held by members of O5. No instances of SCP-2558-J should be anywhere near an O5, let alone SCP-2558-J-Ex.
  71. The Foundation motto is "Secure, Contain, Protect", not any of the following:
    1. "Stab Carrion Powerfully"
    2. "Suck Cock and Penis"
    3. "Let's use it on 682!"
    4. "Throw the cheese!"
    5. "That's it, you're on Keter Duty."
    6. "Can we put it in 914?"
    7. "Blood makes the grass grow, kill, kill, kill!"
    8. "Fuck trees, I climb clouds motherfucker!"
    9. "Someone is getting stabbed."
      1. But some days, it should be.
    10. "Whose hand is that?"
    11. "If all else fails, poop on it."
    12. "If all else fails, there's always the sun."
    13. "We need bigger kittens."
    14. "Society of Creepy Perverts."
    15. "Fuck Death, War, Famine and Pestilence. We've got Clef, Gears, Kondraki and Bright."
    16. "Throw D-Class at it until it stops."
    17. "447 and dead bodies, two great tastes that taste great together."
    18. "The FBI are a bunch of pansies."
    19. "Who wants to see what I can make the president do in public?"
    20. "For the Horde!"
    21. "Science for the Science God!"
    22. "Make sure to wipe your feet on 2558!"
    23. "When in doubt, feed it to 682."
    24. "Slapstick, Clowns and Puns"
    25. "Drop the blanket now!"
    26. "Seduction, Coitus, and Pregnancy"
    27. "We always need more Dakka!"
    28. "Still Alive, and Found the Cake"
    29. "Don't Worry, O5 won't ever figure it out!"
    30. "Will it blend?"
    31. "Commies love us!"
    32. "Snap Crackle and Pop"
    33. "Sex, Cocaine and Powwahh!"
  72. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play "Hippocratic Oath Chicken" with the medical staff.
  73. A full minute of stunned silence means "My God what did you do?" not "Please continue."
  74. Pranks placed into new staff's desks are not funny because they "liquefied in record time."
  75. Attempts to use Foundation radio telescopes to contact omniscient and omnipotent extraterrestrial entities will result in a bill for any damage to local space-time, including the cost of demoting objects to dwarf planet status.
  76. Despite his doctoral degree, Dr. Bright is not allowed to either prescribe or administer any of the following:
    1. enemas
    2. homeopathic remedies
    3. any sort of medication
    4. free hugs
    5. the healing power of laughter
    6. sexual healing
    7. 'more cowbell'
  77. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to offer the solution of "Use more guns" to any problem.
    1. Or "Get bigger guns."
  78. Despite what he may say and any evidence, no matter how plausible, the SCP Foundation has never and will never be associated with Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and regardless of what Dr. Bright may say, he is not, and I quote, "A real life wizarding tutor." And we ask him to stop showing us his "wand".
    1. Nor is he a vampire. That was body glitter and bad acting.
    2. And despite what the computer file on him may say, he is not Muad'dib. The spice can flow just fine without him.
  79. The "Tamlin House School of Witchcraft and Wizardry" is just a plain bad idea.
  80. Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason. No, this does not logically imply that anyone is ethically obligated to demonstrate the existence of breasts under laboratory conditions.
  81. If Dr. Bright is ever found under the influence of any recreational substance, he must immediately be contained under level 15 containment. If you want to know why, please refer to the security tapes for ██/██/████ between the hours of ██:██ am and ██:██ pm.
    1. If Dr. Bright is found deliberately getting high to get out of paperwork, he is to be placed in a Type 4 cell and hosed down with cold water from a pressurised hose for no less than 5 minutes. Maybe this will teach you that drugs are bad, m'kay?
  82. Cthulhu and R'lyeh are not valid reasons to send Pandora's Box out into the Pacific Ocean in order to capture them. Furthermore, these are not even SCPs, and I will find the person who decided to enter a database file for them.
  83. Dr. Bright is not allowed to upload visual memetic kill agents to 4chan 7chan any imageboard.
    1. Well, okay, maybe to 4chan. It'd be doing the gene pool a service.
  84. Dr. Bright cannot change the standard issue D-Class uniform to black pants with a red polo shirt.
    1. I see your reasoning, but we just don't want to be associated with Star Trek.
  85. No matter how many times he may claim it, no matter how many uniforms we may confiscate, Dr. Bright is not a ninja, nor has he ever been.
    1. No. Not even if he uses SCP-281 to do it.
  86. There are no security codes for:
    1. Zombie conga line
    2. Badass hat
    3. Vampire can-can
    4. Disco corpse
    5. Intense homoeroticism
    6. Hoo mama
    7. Necrophilia (I do NOT want to know!)
    8. Extreme crotch violence
    9. Man disguised as a palm tree
    10. Man with porn 'stache
    11. Kung fu rasta
    12. Puppy-eating monks
    13. Justifiable homicide of all you dumb ass mother humpers.
    14. Bright Family Reunion (Code Brown. Find a place to hide, and make sure you leave an offering of booze outside your door.)
    15. Dr. Kondraki beach party.
  87. Just because Bright is a doctor does not mean that he is the Doctor, no matter how many British men he possesses.
    1. No, SCP-963 is not proof against this.
    2. Nor is any structure that results from placing SCP-184 inside of a police call box.
    3. Adopting female members of the staff and calling them "companions" is right out.
    4. SCP-297 is NOT a sonic screwdriver.
    5. The Doctor who?
  88. While humour can be an effective way to improve staff morale, it is highly inappropriate to make "Your mum" jokes in the vicinity of SCP-597.
  89. Dr. Bright may not classify any researcher, including himself, as a memetic hazard.
  90. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to accept or use the following as payment for bets:
    1. Your soul
    2. Anyone else's soul
    3. Virgin's blood
    4. Reproductive organs
    5. SCPs
    6. Memories (real or imagined)
    7. Pieces of your past I have no idea how that worked with Clef, but apparently he can do it.
    8. The island of Manhattan
    9. Beads
    10. Firstborn children
    11. Second-born children
    12. Red-headed stepchildren
    13. Rented mules
    14. Gold spun from straw
    15. A child's laughter
    16. A child's tears
    17. Virginity
    18. Anal virginity
    19. Aural Virginity
    20. Nasal Virginity (I do NOT want to know)
    21. Navel Virginity (What does this even MEAN?)
    22. Ponies
    23. Anyone's grandmother
    24. Anyone's grandfather
    25. Anyone's sister
    26. Any blood relative
  91. No matter how many times he photoshops himself into a picture of SCP-682, and no matter how many Australians he possesses, Bright is not, and never was, the "Crocodile Hunter".
    1. Nor does every SCP/D-Class "really hate it when you jam your thumb up their bum."
      1. And he is not allowed to do that "Right naow!"
  92. As funny as Incident 387/682-██ was, Dr. Bright is not allowed unsupervised access to SCP-387. Researchers are still trying to figure out how an animate model of 682 was so invulnerable, despite only being made of just plastic blocks.
  93. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new researchers experimenting on SCP-168 to divide by zero, find the square root of negative one, or find the last digit of pi using the SCP. Dr. ██████ is still comatose, and 168 itself is quite displeased with the event.
  94. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use examples from Star Trek when administering Turing tests to artificial intelligences of any sort. Computer hardware does not grow on trees, dammit!
  95. Dr. Bright is not allowed to plant SCP-2383-J into science labs. We're still picking up complaints from the office of Stephen Hawking.
    1. No, not even for the good of "SCIENCE"
    2. Or even as "Science for the Science God". Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to himself as such either.
  96. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-587 to re-enact the locker scene from Men In Black, nor play Godzilla with its inhabitants.
    1. Nor is he allowed to set himself up as a god to them.
    2. Testing between SCP-786 and SCP-587 is also banned. "David and Goliath" scenarios are just as harmful to its inhabitants as the Godzilla incident.
    3. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-786 to simulate "Dwarf Fortress".
  97. Dr. Bright is not allowed to show SCP-682 any of the following:
    1. any Uwe Boll movies
    2. The Room
    3. Troll 2
    4. Manos: The Hands of Fate
    5. movies considered "so bad they're good"
    6. movies considered "cult classics"
    7. you know what, Dr. Bright is just not allowed to show SCP-682 any movies at all, ever.
  98. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new researchers that typing "01100110011011110111001001101101011000010111010000 100000011000110011101001011100 0010000000101111010100010010111101██████" in a text file and renaming it "079.exe" will give them complete control over SCP-079.
  99. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-559 with one candle in order to [DATA EXPUNGED] attempted breast-feeding incident.
    1. In fact, let's just amend that to 'Dr. Bright is not allowed to be breast-fed. Period'.
  100. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim SCP-014-J has "Breached Containment" and then leave a dining fork in the hallway.
  101. Dr. Bright is not O5-█-J. No such position exists at this time.
  102. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give SCP-239 a copy of any Harry Potter books.
    1. What did you do?
  103. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-141 to give people parking tickets.
  104. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send anything into the past, future, or to alternate dimensions.
  105. Dr. Bright is not allowed to accuse people of being duplicates of himself with the intention of having them terminated, unless they actually are duplicates of himself.
    1. Dr. Clef is not allowed to convince people Dr. Bright is a copy of him.
  106. Dr. Bright may not put "A cup of orgasm" from SCP-294 through SCP-914 on the Very Fine setting.
    1. Dr. Bright may not use SCP-294 to create a "cup of memetic orgasm" and use it on worldwide television.
    2. Dr. Bright is not permitted to use SCP-294 to create orgasms of any kind, memetic, sentient or otherwise.
    3. Given the results of requesting a cup of "Dear God No", Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use SCP-294 directly or outside of approved testing.
    4. Given that he asked another staff member to request a "Cup of Explodium" from SCP-294 to "see what would happen", Dr. Bright is not allowed to ask other staff members to access SCPs for him, no matter how instructive, funny or helpful the results would be. The only exception to this is SCP-963.
  107. Dr. Bright is not allowed to make, accept, or take a rake-off on, bets concerning XK-class End-of-the-World Scenarios.
  108. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed access to SCP-732 infected documents along with SCP-239. MTF-Lambda-2 has been dispatched to contain "Chowderclef".
  109. Dr. Bright is not allowed to organize, authorize, or create in any form, a "Foundation Demolition Derby, starring SCPs 2383-J, 708, 666-J, 2558-J, 1543-J, 2041-J, 2103-J, 968, 462, 115, and 225 for the grand finale" No.. just no. Not even if you try to throw in 682 trying to disguise it as a termination attempt.
  110. Dr. Bright is not allowed to get on the PA system at site 19 and announce that he just won The Game You know what, Dr. Bright is just never allowed on the PA system for any reason, ever.
  111. Dr. Bright is not allowed to request access to all cubical SCPs to make a fort of any kind.
  112. Dr. Bright is not allowed to order anyone to infiltrate the women's locker room.
  113. Dr. Bright is not allowed to play "hot potato" with SCP-963.
  114. Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange, schedule, advertise, promote, or sell tickets to, "cage matches" between Able and SCP-682 any SCPs.
  115. We don't care HOW many O5's agree to it and how many precedents there are, Dr Bright is not allowed a pet SCP.
  116. Dr. Bright is not allowed to combine a cadaver infected with SCP-008 with SCP-217.
  117. Dr.'s Bright and Clef are no longer allowed to engage in research any activity involving 40 gallonsmore than a pound any amount of superballs.
    1. Also, the aforementioned are not to convince blackmail compel D-Class personnel anybody into conducting such activities for them.
  118. "Challenge Accepted" is not a valid excuse for anything.
  119. Dr Bright is not allowed to lease out SCP-002, even especially if he includes the option to buy.
  120. Dr. Bright is not allowed to dress up as Joseph Stalin and ambush Agent Strelnikov in the hallways.
    1. Actually, Dr. Bright shouldn't be allowed to dress up as any Communist dictator, there's no way it could end well.
  121. Dr. Bright is not to be allowed access to the cafeteria menu more than a day in advance six hours in advance at all, nor is he to get anyone else to access it for him, directly or indirectly.
  122. Dr. Bright is not allowed to introduce small children to the "the Giving Tree."
  123. Dr. Bright is not allowed to 'borrow' SCP-159 for his office.
  124. Dr. Bright is not allowed near any carbonated beverages while in possession of Mentos-branded mints. The last time that happened he somehow managed to cause an earthquake in the east cost of the United States. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim responsibility for earthquakes and other natural disasters unless he is actually responsible for them.
  125. Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare new personnel anyone to play 'peek-a-boo' with either SCP-569 or SCP-173.
  126. When ordering things online, send them to PO Box ████ and not directly to Site 19. We've already had three postmen show up at the front door. (How did they even find us?) Dr. Bright is not to give directions to Site 19 to non-Foundation personnel.
  127. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to give navigational directions to Site 19 anywhere, even especially to Foundation personnel.
  128. The SCP Foundation does not have any such position as "Chief Defenestrator".
    1. Wrong.
      1. Agent Clef is not allowed to create new positions.
  129. Any proposed containment procedure that includes the phrase "Giant Robot" is to be automatically rejected.
  130. Excessive force is not the same as the Force, therefore using it does not make Dr. Bright a Jedi.
  131. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from Team Fortress 2.
    1. Yes, a Medigun would be a useful tool for the Foundation medical staff. No, we are not going to waste any more SCP-500 attempting to make one, especially not after SCP-427.
    2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-914 to craft items from Minecraft, either. Also, your "Diamond Pickaxe" has been confiscated.
  132. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell future hosts that "You are about to become very Bright".
    1. And he can't tell anyone that "Possession is nine-tenths of the law".
    2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to D-class personnel as "extra lives".
  133. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send SCP-1004 over an email message.
  134. No matter the electricity savings, no product of SCP-158 is to be used for illumination.
  135. SCP-001 is not Dr. Bright's penis.
    1. The hammer is not his penis.
    2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use his genitals for construction purposes.
  136. Dr. Bright possesses the ability of consciousness transfer and the artifact SCP-963. He does not possess any of the following:
    1. "laser" eyes.
    2. "laser" nostrils.
    3. "laser" [REDACTED].
    4. a Green Red ANY Lantern Ring.
    5. an "adamantium" skeleton.
    6. Anduril.
    7. Mjolnir.
    8. a map leading to "ALL OF THE NAZI GOLD".
    9. the "Ancient" medallion.
    10. a copy of the Necronomicon.
      1. A King James version of the Necronomicon.
    11. cybernetic implants of any kind.
    12. the "Dragonzord". I don't care how you did it, put it BACK.
    13. the 7th Element of Harmony.
    14. infallible "gaydar".
    15. infallible "jewdar".
    16. the touch.
    17. the power.
    18. the "secret"
    19. telepathy.
    20. telekinesis.
    21. the original filming model of any fictional spacecraft.
    22. 1337 H4x00r sKi11z.
    23. the 6th sense.
    24. The ability to distinguish between butter and I Can't Believe It's Not Butter.
  137. If Dr. Bright's current form is sighted near an armory without express permission, initiate Evacuation Procedure ███-██.
  138. Dr. Bright is not allowed to test SCP-826 with his self-authored comic book entitled "Dr. Bright and the 79 Virgins" Playboy magazines anything.
  139. #%^&@Dr. Bright iz a genius! Second best only to meh! he & I are buds lolz!#$%^
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give SCP-732 access to this document.
      1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to give any SCP access to this document without O5 approval.
  140. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new D-Class personnel that SCP-439 has escaped into the barracks.
  141. Dr. Bright is not allowed to convince other personnel that they are actually Dr. Bright.
  142. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge SCP-082 to a drinking contest. (Even if he's positive he can win.)
  143. We have never had a Jamaican Vacation Giveaway, Dr. Bright is not in charge of it, and SCP-342 is not the official Foundation Travel Voucher.
  144. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-243 except under strict supervision. I think we all remember the great marital-aid migration of 2011.
  145. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge Dr. Gerald to a race involving any sort of vehicle. Dr. Bright is not allowed to challenge Dr. Gerald to a race involving anything.
  146. Dr. Bright is not allowed to access the IT department hotline access the IT department database access any networking equipment belonging to the IT department.
  147. Dr. Bright is not to bring samples of SCP-1361 to Foundation potlucks, barbeques, or charity food drives.
  148. SCP-963 is not a 'soul gem', and making a contract with Dr. Bright will not turn you into a 'magical girl'.
    1. Not even if he includes a 'magical girl outfit'.
  149. SCP-137 is never to be used on sex toys.
    1. Under no circumstances is Dr. Bright allowed to expose SCP-137 to Warhammer 40K minifigures. Again. Not even in an attempt to terminate SCP-682.
    2. Or anything made by Wondertainment.
  150. Not allowed to have Able get into arguments with forum trolls.
  151. Dr. Bright is not allowed to go trick-or-treating, ever.
  152. Able is not Kratos.
  153. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to produce, create or remind staff of "SCP Robot Wars".
  154. Copies of SCP-1981 are not to be submitted to "America's Funniest Home Videos".
    1. Or posted on YouTube.
    2. Or on YouPorn.
    3. Or to Tosh.0.
  155. Dr. Bright is not allowed to "Just Say No!" to O5 orders on the grounds that they are instances of SCP-5200-J.
  156. Dr. Bright is also not allowed to refer to O5 Command MTF commanders the Janitor any Foundation personnel as "the cool kids".
  157. Dr. Bright is not the "final boss" of anything.
  158. Dr. Bright has not "won the internet" and is not authorized to declare that any other individual has done so.
    1. Nor is he allowed to claim or distribute instances of SCP-335 under said premise.
  159. Dr. Bright is not to show junior staffers his 'cutie mark'.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-137 on any Hasbro product.
  160. Dr. Bright is not allowed to "take SCP-1187 for a morning ride".
  161. Dr. Bright is not allowed to submit any incident reports to the Darwin Awards. Not even if you are sure it would win.
  162. Dr. Bright is not allowed to teach SCP-1370 to play multiplayer video games. It was not an improvement giving it the vocabulary of the average preteen ████ player, or introducing it to the concept of "teabagging."
  163. The eye-pods do not need hats, bow ties or any other form of clothing.
  164. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use expunged data in SCP reports as "mad-libs."
  165. Robo-Dude is not a piece of the Broken God.
  166. Dr. Bright is not allowed to create an anatomically-correct body pillow modeled after SCP-173, SCP-105, SCP-999-J, SCP-076-02, or Dr. Crow.
  167. The following are not appropriate sources for D-class personnel:
    1. Temp agencies.
    2. Craigslist.
    3. Reality show talent pools.
    4. Jerry Springer tapings.
    5. "Orphans."
    6. "Urchins."
    7. "Ragamuffins."
    8. "Those sons of bitches who scratched up my paint job at the car wash."
    9. Ex-girlfriends.
    10. Ex-boyfriends.
    11. Ex-partners of any gender variation whatsoever.
    12. Staff members' in-laws.
    13. Youtube comment threads.
    14. Forum trolls.
    15. Angsty teens.
    16. Bad applications to the SCP Foundation. Two exceptions have been made, but the rest are off limits.
    17. Occupy Wall Street.
    18. The Tea Party.
    19. The Green Party.
    20. The "Green" Party.
    21. The Gathering of the Juggalos.
      1. How the fuck do they work?
  168. The following items are not SCPs:
    1. Rainbows.
    2. Double rainbows.
    3. "Rainbooms", whether sonic or otherwise.
    4. The tides.
    5. The Moon.
    6. "Fucking magnets".
    7. Rocks that skip three times before they go underwater.
    8. Soy cheese.
    9. Hippies.
    10. Hipsters.
    11. "MILFs."
    12. "G-MILFs."
    13. "GG-MILFs."
    14. "Actually funny SNL skits" As these do not exist, they cannot be SCPs.
    15. Anyone's breasts.
    16. People who can solve Rubik's Cubes (of any size).
    17. Shiny Any Pokemon.
  169. Nobody ever refers to Dr. Bright as "Tim" and he is no longer allowed to introduce new personnel to SCP-524.
  170. The platypus is not an SCP. No, really. No, not even an -EX.
  171. Dr. Bright is not allowed to test internet "Creepypasta" rites using Class-D personal.
  172. SCP-963 is not a "Millennium" item.
  173. Dr. Bright should refrain from trying to convince SCP-237 to become a "Brony".
    1. Not even to improve his disposition.
    2. For that matter, trying to make SCP-042 a Brony will just make things worse.
  174. Putting an equine, no matter how small, through SCP-914 on very fine again is strictly forbidden.
    1. No you cannot keep it.
  175. The answer to a containment breach is never to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude".
    1. Or to "send five rings to five special young people".
    2. Or to ask junior staffers if they are "bad enough dudes" to contain the breach.
  176. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim he "has been trained to conquer galaxies".
  177. Dr. Bright may not attempt to neutralize SCP-682 using "the Power of Friendship", "the Power of Love", or any other sort of "Power" which has not been proven to actually exist.
  178. Dr. Bright does not remind anyone of "the babe with the power of voodoo", and is not allowed to tell anyone else that they remind him of same.
  179. The Chaos Insurgency has no interest in "summoning Daemons to the material universe to serve the Ruinous Powers of Chaos" and therefore, Dr. Bright is not permitted to inform new researchers otherwise.
  180. Dr. Bright is not allowed to write a SCP-582 account in order to deal with junior staff members who get on his nerves.
  181. Dr. Bright is not allowed to stick refrigerator magnets to Foundation equipment SCP-914 SCP-882SCP-217 victims piece of the Broken God Any magnetic objects within Foundation control.
  182. SCP-1916 only works if administered orally. We know this. There is no reason to test further, Dr. Bright.
  183. The Realdoll™ Dr. Bright purchased does not have security clearance for anything.
    1. Not even if it writes reports better than Dr. Kondraki.
  184. "Why not?" is not considered authorization for SCP cross-testing.
  185. The foundation has no Mobile Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to found a new Mobile Task Force dedicated to the capture and containment of forum trolls.
  186. The Serpent's Hand is not a synonym for masturbation.
  187. "Yo mama" is not "so ugly SCP-096 didn't look at her."
  188. SCP-173 is not a babysitter. Having SCP-173 play 'Where's the baby?' is downright cruel. Not, as Dr. Bright claims, '[EXPLETIVE] hilarious.'
  189. Dr. Bright is no longer invited to the Annual Foundation Holiday Party.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to host his own Foundation Holiday Party.
    2. The Foundation Holiday Party is cancelled indefinitely.
  190. SCP-682 does not have a Wondertainment logo stamped on its upper palate.
    1. or on its posterior.
  191. Playing the song "Thriller" in the presence of SCP-008 victims is expressly forbidden.
    1. Letting out SCP-008 victims and punching them "to simulate Minecraft" is also forbidden.
    2. Pushing several agents in front of SCP-008 victims "to simulate Resident Evil" is not a valid excuse, either.
    3. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed near victims of SCP-008.
  192. SCP-682 will not be sated by the ritual sacrifice of a virgin.
  193. Filming, directing, or performing in celebrity sex tapes are not appropriate work assignments for Mr. Deeds.
  194. Anything involving the words "elephant sauce". Site 19 is still recovering from the last incident.
  195. "I like a little junk in the trunk" is not valid authorization to feed SCP-1575-1 to an elephant.
  196. Dr. Bright is, under no circumstances, to attempt possession of SCP-682.
  197. "I touched SCP-1453 a lil' while ago" is not a valid excuse for any containment breach.
  198. "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service" does not imply that pants and undergarments are not required parts of the dress code.
    1. Doubly so, since, "No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service," is not a part of any official foundation dress code.
  199. Dr. Bright is not to use this list as a resume.
  200. Dr. Bright shalt not may not begin his sentences with "Thou shalt not", even especially in the presence of SCP-343.
  201. Use of double triple quadruple ANY number of negatives to obtain security clearances will result in the repetition of kindergarten swift punishment.
  202. Dr. Bright is not allowed to recreate any experiment seen on the television program "Mythbusters" using any SCP.
    1. Especially not if he "can do it better."
  203. Regardless of whether or not it exists, Dr. Bright certainly does not enjoy diplomatic immunity as the local Consul of the Islamic Republic of Eastern Samothrace.
  204. Dr. Bright is not allowed to administer aphrodisiacs to colleagues anyone under the guise of administering amnesiacs any medicine by any means or for any reason whatsoever.
  205. Dr. Bright is not allowed to put SCP-278 into SCP-914 on coarse "so I can learn to make more of them."
  206. Dr. Bright is not allowed to transfer copy upgrade relocate SCP-079 onto ANY form of high capacity data storage device.
  207. SCP-1156 is not Dr. Bright's "royal steed".
  208. Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-1543-J to launch SCP-727-J into itself. Again.
  209. Even if Dr. Bright is wearing an eyepatch, he is not allowed to "Keel-Haul" anyone.
    1. Not even on "Talk Like a Pirate Day".
    2. Talk Like a Pirate Day is not allowed to be celebrated at Site ██. Any personnel violating this rule will walk the plank be severely disciplined.
    3. There is no such thing as "Talk Like a Ninja" day, and Dr. Bright is not allowed to create it.
  210. Introducing SCP-682 to SCP-002 "just to see what will happen" is NOT recommended. Don't even think about.
    1. I SAID STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!
  211. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to interview new personnel.
    1. Even Especially not if they ask for him.
  212. Dr. Bright is not Kenny. We also ask new researchers (and Bright) to stop referring to him/self as such.
  213. Dr. Bright is not allowed to play "SCP Roulette" with SCP-173, a light switch and any combination of D-class and new personnel.
  214. Dr. Bright is not to ask SCP-738, "What would you want in exchange for not making this deal with me?"
  215. Dr. Bright works for the SCP Foundation, not the Terminus Foundation. He does not possess a degree in psychohistory.
    1. And no Group of Interest is the "Second Foundation"
  216. Although "Secure Contain Protect" is an anagram of "Erotic Teen Cactus Porn", Dr Bright is specifically forbidden to either produce, or arrange to produce, any such material.
  217. The fact that SCP-682 regenerates all lost tissue does not make it an "infinite hamburgers machine".
    1. Most especially because they tasted horrible.
  218. Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-127 to place projectiles under his pillow for the "Tooth Fairy" to give him money.
  219. Dr Bright is not allowed to use SCP-252-ARC on Fred Phelps any member of the Phelps family any person or organization affiliated with Westboro Baptist Church.
    1. Dr Bright is not allowed to attempt to "sic the Horizon Initiative" on the above religious organization.
    2. Dr Bright may not request a pool of D-Class recruited solely from members of the above religious organization.
  220. The Manna Charitable Foundation does not host an annual Labor Day Telethon, and Dr. Bright is not allowed to offer the services of Foundation employees as performers or phone bank operators for such.
  221. Dr Bright is not allowed access to Popular Science Magazine. That How 2.0 section is way too dangerous for Bright to see now that they've shown how to create cyborg cockroaches.
  222. Dr. Bright is not allowed to "go on crusade".
    1. Or on "jihad".
    2. Dr. Bright is not permitted to issue fatwas against anyone or anything.
  223. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to declare "After ten thousand years I'm free! It's time to conquer Earth!" upon assuming a new host.
  224. All Foundation personnel are now required to attend a seminar on the difference between an original idea and a good idea before being allowed new or continuing contact with Dr. Bright, Dr. Clef, or Dr. Kondraki.
  225. Dr. Bright does not have ten tons of gold hidden somewhere at Site 19.
  226. SCP-963 is not to be given away as a "good luck charm".
  227. Dr. Bright is not a wizard, no matter what he might tell you.
    1. He is not an alchemist either, and is not to be consulted regarding alchemical issues.
    2. Or a witch.
    3. Dr. Bright is not magic and cannot perform magic, and must give sufficient explanation for any actions he undertakes.
  228. Dr. Bright is not, nor has he ever been, the "Undisputed SCP Intercontinental Champion".
  229. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to run through Site 19 any site while screaming "THE KETER IS LOOSE" unless it's an actual emergency.
    1. Claiming it's for research on the effects of social engineering is not an emergency.
    2. Nor is using it to clear out the areas Dr. Bright is otherwise restricted from entering due to reasons given on this list.
    3. Dr. Bright may not start referring to any persons or SCPs as "The Keter" in order to circumvent these rules, unless they are actually classified as Keter.
  230. Dr. Bright is not allowed to perform any tests or experiments utilizing the reproductive organs of any dead or living being, including himself.
  231. Dr Bright may not tell D-Class Personnel newly recruited staff anyone that SCP-920 will ''show them to their quarters''. Again. We are still looking for 12 D-class Personnel who have disappeared in the Pyrenees.
  232. Dr. Bright may never attempt to ingest SCP-184 "to win a pie eating contest", nor any other kind of eating or drinking contest.
  233. After what happened last month, Dr. Bright is not allowed to watch Firefly ever again. I think most of the people involved (that are still alive) are still in the psychiatric ward.
    1. Dr. Bright is not a Reaver and may not handle any form of sharp tool unless under protection of at least two (2) L-3 guards armed with stun guns.
  234. Dr. Bright is not allowed to show D-Class new staff SCP-682 anyone the porn he watches. Seriously, the last guy to go through that hell had to be put in a straightjacket!
  235. Dr. Bright is not allowed to come within 5 meters of any explosive device or detonation device. Remember what happened at Area-█.
    1. Not even if Dr. Iceberg asks nicely
    2. Trying to "Blow Up 682" is not a valid excuse.
  236. Attempting to make "shadow puppets" with SCP-017 is forbidden.
    1. Trying to entertain SCP-053 is not a valid excuse.
  237. Dr. Bright is not permitted to be within thirty feet of children, "kids", "youngsters", "kiddies", "lads", "lasses", "bundles of joy", "bundles of fun", or "scoops of love" after the incident at [REDACTED]. Exceptions may be made in extreme cases of emergency.
  238. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to stand in a corner and twiddle his thumbs.
  239. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to use the words "swag" , "swag it", "swagginator", "swaggify", or "super swag" to define himself or any other person(s).
  240. 'YOLO' is not an excuse for anything. Most especially because it does not apply to him.
    1. Neither is 'Why not?'.
  241. Dr. Bright is not allowed to order D-class personnel convince new personnel any personnel ask anybody ever to play a game of patty-cake with SCP-049.
  242. Dr. Bright is not allowed to ask Mr. Deeds to do any of the things on this list.
  243. Dr. Bright is not allowed to bring chocolate into a restroom Dr. Bright is not allowed to bring food into a restroom.
  244. Dr. Bright is not allowed to speak in a voice resembling a movie character.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to reenact any movie. Even G-rated ones? Even G-rated ones.
  245. Dr. Bright is not allowed to learn cheerleader routines dress like a cheerleader do ANYTHING relating to the sport of cheerleading.
  246. SCP-957 is NOT a prerequisite to becoming possessed by Dr. Bright
  247. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-1197 for the purpose of corroborating with himself.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to SCP-1197 for the purpose of propositioning himself.
  248. As of 9/26/20██, Dr. Bright is not allowed access to any hotel for any reason. Site-██ budget does not allow for extra clean-up fees, especially not as a result of Dr. Bright's actions.
  249. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to say "Everything the Bright touches is our kingdom"
    1. Nor is Dr. Bright is allowed to say "Everything touched by the holy Bright belongs to Church of Bright."
  250. Dr. Bright may not attempt to digitally enhance any of the original Star Wars movies.
  251. Dr. Bright is not allowed to advertise himself on online dating services.
  252. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use this list as a to-do list.
  253. Dr. Bright is not L. Ron Hubbard incarnate, and is not allowed to tell personnel otherwise.
  254. Dr. Bright is not Sherlock Holmes and is not allowed to say what he thinks a person's appearance means about them to any reality bending SCP.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to cause a containment breach of any kind just so he can have a "case."
    2. Neither is he allowed to convince anyone to be Watson.
  255. Dr. Bright may not urge bereaved staff members to "look at the Bright side".
    1. Nor is he allowed to refer to any name-related puns as "[his] Bright ideas".
    2. Dr. Bright is not allowed to refer to any SCPs, Foundation resources, or personnel as his "fancy dancing pants".
  256. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-1994-J with Dr. Kain. Hours of actual productive research are as of yet to be recovered.
  257. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to play chicken with members of any department.
  258. Dr. Bright is not allowed to order 'the works' from the cafeteria.
    1. Dr. Bright is also not allowed to put anything on his 'tab.'
  259. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commit "Seppuku."
    1. Even if he has an audience.
    2. Especially a captive one.
  260. Dr. Bright is not in possession of any of the following: A bright-mobile, brighterangs, a bright-claw, a bright-suit, or a baseball-bright.
    1. Dr. Bright is not allowed to yell "To the brightcave!".
  261. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to sing "Silent Night" following the "All is Bright" incident
  262. Dr. Bright is no longer allowed to commission, produce, advertise, or display animated videos to containment staff anyone with the subject, "What Happens When You Fuck Up Containing SCP (insert SCP here)"
    1. NO, it is NOT educational, Bright. Not the way you show it.
  263. Dr. Bright is not allowed funding to replicate the experiments of Doctor Krieger from Archer.
  264. Dr. Bright is not allowed to try to convince personnel to replicate "his famous high dive into SCP-120."
    1. He is not allowed to talk about his "famous high dive into SCP-120."
  265. Dr. Bright is not to be referred to as "Rainbow Brite".
  266. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to infants for the purpose of becoming "the Baby New Year".
  267. Dr. Bright is not allowed to create a "The Things Dr Bright Is Allowed To Do At The Foundation" list by listing everything that isn't on this list. Just because it isn't on this list doesn't mean you should do it.
    1. He may however request for one to be created.
    2. He may not, however, suggest what should be on said list.
  268. Dr. Bright is not to attempt to neutralize SCP-1013 just because he "can do Fluttershy's stare."
  269. Dr. Bright must not create an infinite logical loop to less feeble minded individuals.
  270. Dr. Bright is not "Troll Jegus", no matter how much candy corn he steals!
  271. There is no such department known as "The Bright Ideas Department." Furthermore, if such a department did exist, Dr. Bright would not be in the employ of this department.
  272. Dr. Bright is not allowed to throw himself through a window "to prove that the glass is unbreakable." for any reason whatsoever.
  273. Dr. Bright is not allowed to convince D-Class anybody to cough in front of SCP-049
  274. Dr. Bright is not to request "Nazi Juice", "Dildo Gelato", or "My Childhood" from SCP-294.
  275. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use any green dyes for the purpose of "being creative".
  276. "Because reasons" will no longer be accepted as a viable excuse for removing ANY SCP from containment.
  277. Dr. Bright may not refer to anyone as a "peasant."
  278. Dr. Bright is not allowed to attempt to convince D-Class new personnel ANYONE that shouting "Bing bong, bring it on!" while ringing SCP-513 will negate its effect.
  279. Dr. Bright is not allowed to arrange gladiatorial arena combat between D-class, even ESPECIALLY if any SCPs are used as weapons.
  280. SCP-173 does not "just want a hug" and Dr. Bright may not attempt to convince anyone otherwise.
  281. "Because there's an alternate universe me who wouldn't do it" is no longer a valid reason for violating containment procedures.
  282. Dr. Bright is not allowed to attack instances of SCP-217 claiming that "the Borg have attacked".
  283. Dr. Bright is not allowed access to visual or audio recordings of the dance craze dubbed the "Harlem Shake" anything deemed "viral".
  284. Dr. Bright is not allowed to start any drag races between D-classes in cars and SCP-096.
  285. Dr. Bright is not allowed to yell out "Immigration!" near any foreign personnel.
  286. Dr. Bright is not allowed to reenact any scene from "Pulp Fiction".
  287. Not allowed to put a picture of a volunteer's' his ANYBODY'S breasts on a monitor for the red zone of SCP-895.
  288. Doctor Bright is not allowed to convince new personnel ANYONE to "have a friendly staring contest with SCP-096."
  289. Dr. Bright is not allowed to open SCP-1025 on random pages in front of anyone.
  290. Dr. Bright is not allowed to dare anyone to finish SCP-1997.
  291. Dr. Bright is not allowed to send a Slinky down SCP-087.
  292. Dr. Bright is not an instance of SCP-1000, and is not allowed to claim otherwise.
    1. Especially not when using the body of a primate.
  293. Dr. Bright is not allowed to use SCP-884 for shaving purposes.
    1. Nor any other personal care purpose.
    2. Nor for any non-approved purpose whatsoever.
    3. Especially not for the purpose of making people doubt that he's not allowed to use it.
  294. Dr. Bright is not allowed to claim that Researcher Zyn Kiryu is the new "Master of Butterflies" due to her extensive work on butterfly-related SCP items.
    1. "King of the Booterflies" is not an inheritable title. No, not even if Kondraki really is dead, which, if true, Dr. Bright isn't cleared to know.
    2. Researcher Zyn Kiryu is also not to be referred to by Dr. Bright as "Queen of the Butterflies", "Mistress of the Butterflies", "Supreme Princess of the Butterflies", "Great Shepherd of the Butterflies", "Second Cousin of the Butterflies", or "Major Associate of the Butterflies," or any other grandiose title referring to butterflies.
  295. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits fictional horror stories involving his family.
  296. Dr. Bright is not allowed to tell new Foundation recruits factual horror stories involving his family.
  297. He is definitely not allowed to edit the list just to mess with people on Tumblr.
don't.
 
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