This is a developing story of mine. Originally this started out in the blogs of Rpn, before the update. Now I will be putting them here. They will be broken into parts like how I originally started and will continue to be in parts. But to present them nicely they'll be in tabs. Read if you will, enjoy if you want. Main reason I'm posting this is cause I want it to be public and well so I have a place to keep them besides Google Docs. Well besides that, I bid you a fair day.
Another day, another class. My eyes aimlessly wandered around the room as I awaited for the beginning time for lecture. From the first day of classes I designated a seat at the end of the fifth row of the middle section seating of the auditorium. It allowed for easier access to exit once class ended so that I wouldn't be late to my next lecture. Some students were busy reviewing over notes, others browsing through their electronics, but most were huddled in groups talking in low voices about themselves. I unconsciously released a small sigh at the sight of people happily getting along. It's already been well over a month into the semester and I have to acquire a "friend". It also doesn't help that most mornings the seat next to me stays empty for the entirety of the lecture.
Most of the time I don't care for interaction but lately I've began feeling the edge of loneliness. My brain also reasoned that with a companion it'd be easier to study. Not a good excuse to procrastinate but I can't find myself focusing on work. As I sat there lost in thought, more people began arriving. The auditorium was slowly filling up. Not trying to have high hopes, I pulled my bag closer to me to allow easier access to walk through the row. But as the lights dimmed to signal the start of class I couldn't help but feel disappointed. Even the presence of a random stranger would be appreciated.
Dismissing my petty thoughts and emotions I shifted my focus onto the material of the class. Fifteen minutes past and my mind begins to wander again. Ugh why is it so hard to focus?
Lost in internally scolding myself I didn't notice a presence standing next to me as someone softly asked, "Is someone sitting there?" My initial thought was, 'Does it look like I'm saving it for someone?' But I automatically answered with a no. With the little distraction my mind re-focused itself onto the lecture once more refreshed from the small break. As the person began accommodating themselves to the seat I couldn't help but suddenly feel conscious of my actions. This was always an automatic thought process of mine. Are they judging my handwriting? Perhaps they're trying to see what they missed? Will they like to be my friend? The last thought is always far fetched though and my eyes close to the silliness of the thought.
Once I opened my eyes back up I decided to steal a glance at who was sitting next to me. Initially I didn't even look up to see their face or appearance or anything like that. In the midst of a semi-darkened room I could only grasp distinct features from the profile. But a tiny part of my brain was silently judging the appearance of the person. They were obviously a female who appeared to be around the same age as me. Clean face, unlike mine, and dirty blonde hair, compared to my dark brown color. Before she could catch me looking my eyes diverted away and fixed themselves onto the lecture slides for the rest of the time.
As the time approached the end I began putting away my things, readying myself to bolt out the door, so that I could get out of the way for others. But as I was standing up in unison with those fast escapees of class I felt a sudden pain shoot up my leg from my foot. I looked down and saw a Yeti cup that was instantly picked up the moment it landed on my foot. "I'm so sorry," came the fast apology. "You're fine," was my instant response. I turned not wanting to stay any longer but ended up getting stuck to the back of the crowd. A slight frown came on my face.
"Again I'm so sorry. You didn't get wet or anything right?" the girl came up right behind me. Her height reached to my shoulders. My eyes looked down and saw she was clenching the cup tightly till her knuckles were white not wanting to experience that embarrassment once more. "No, you're good." I had nothing else to say.
"My name's Vivian by the way."
I found it odd how she was introducing herself suddenly but to be polite I responded back, "Name's Riley." As soon as I felt that crowd diminishing I quickly made my way up the slope. Right before I walked out of the building I heard Vivian shout out something, "Have a good day!" I politely responded, "You too!"
Don't get your hopes up. This is probably the only morning you'll ever see her.
Or so I thought.
It was Tuesday afternoon and I was going about my Tuesday routine since Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays differed from Tuesdays and Thursdays. My hands were clutched around my glasses as I tried to clean the smudges off with my shirt. Just as I was about to turn a corner I heard a slight yelp and I felt myself falling backwards onto the sidewalk. My glasses luckily fell onto the grass close by. I couldn't help but feel slightly irritated by having my calming walk disturbed by a collision, especially with me being the victim. Quickly I grabbed my glasses and put them on to see my suspect.
I had to blink a few times to adjust against the sunlight that was coincidentally beaming behind the person. "Riley!" Wait how did this person know my name? Then I saw it was the Yeti cup girl. "Vivian right?" I asked as I picked myself up despite her offering a hand. She took a step back to allow space between us. Next to her rested a bicycle. Ah I see. So this was the near murder weapon.
"I'm so sorry! I was in a rush to my Economics class." An internal sigh sounded within me. "You're good. Go on ahead and get to class. I'll see you tomorrow?"
"Wait! I feel so bad that I keep...hurting you. I want to make it up to you?"
You've only bumped into me twice and you're already wanting to payback? Yeesh this girl is too much. But since I only had one other class in the evening I decided to take her up on her offer. The last thing I was going to deny was free stuff. "Alright. How about some lunch then?"
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Yikes...the lines are so long...
My eyes closed from a slight ache that was starting on my head. "Wow. Guess it's around that time for everyone isn't it?" I stole a glance over to the girl next to me. She didn't seem bothered by having to wait. "I'm going to wait outside. Buy me whatever." And before she could stop me I flew out the doors.
All of the shady spots were taken so I was left to bake under the sun. Only five minutes passed and Vivian had arrived back with our food. "As soon as you left they brought out some more people to help out in the front." Of course. "I didn't know what you wanted so I got you a sandwich. I hope you're okay with that."
"That's fine," I mumbled as I reached over for the bag she placed close to me. I glanced up once and not really wanting her to hear it I whispered, "Thanks." Her attention was elsewhere but I caught a faint smile.
"So where are you from?"
Ah time for the generic mini-quiz. "Houston."
"What's your major?"
"At this point undetermined."
"Are you a part of any clubs?"
"No."
"What are your hobbies?"
"Mediocre activities."
She flashed me a quizzical glance.
"Off-campus or on-campus?"
"Off-campus. It's cheaper that way."
Vivian nodded slowly as she digested all my personal info.
Not wanting to experience an awkward silence I decided to quiz her back.
"And what about you?"
"I'm from Houston as well, my major is Accounting, I'm currently in the lookout for any organizations to join, my hobbies are meditating, running, coloring, and I live on-campus."
As she answered my question I silently devoured down my sandwich and politely nodded to all her responses. At that moment I wasn't truly paying attention to her, still thinking this was a fleeting moment of an attempt at friendship. Judging from how she sat with her arms leaning on the table she wanted to say something. But when I looked down at my wristwatch I saw that it was 10 mins till my next class. "Yikes! Sorry...Vivian. I have to go. Thank you for the meal." Without giving her a chance to say anything I grabbed my belongings and began speedwalking down the sidewalk wizzing past people, feeling the slight anxiety of potentially walking late into class.
It was odd. After that lunch on that Tuesday afternoon I didn't see Yeti girl for a while. And I felt somewhat lonely. For once I thought that something interesting was going to happen in my life but I guess it wasn't. As much as I wanted to get rid of any thoughts of her I couldn't considering the bruises I received from her. It took a couple of weeks for them to disappear but once they were completely gone I felt even more lonely. Oh my goodness. This is just pathetic of me. What the heck? Why am I getting sentimental about some bruises a stranger I met? Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.
I closed my eyes and heaved out a heavy sigh. Now is not the time for this...I need to study for finals. My eyes slowly opened to find a pair of green eyes watching me. I nearly cursed out loud but held my tongue since I was in the library. My respect for others' quiet, studying time overruled my want to scream. Yeti girl. It was odd how suddenly she was in front of me. Is she some kind of demon? Can she read my thoughts?
"I need your help," she whispered.
"With?"
"Biology."
Oh thank god that's one of my better subjects.
"Okay."
"Oh great! Come on. I have a study room reserved right now."
What the hell? Did she have this all planned out? ...she must be a demon or something.
Just when I was feeling empty, somehow I felt a small warmth tingling within me as I gave a small smile and gathered my things together. I watched as she walked over to the study room. And it so happen that it was one of the nearby study rooms. This seems so eerie...everything is...convenient right now...everything is going so smoothly...is this a dream?
Mimicking all those actors in movies I pinched myself on the arm to see if I felt any pain, which I did. "Shoot...that does hurt..." I whispered to myself as I entered the room.
"Did you say something?" Vivian asked. "Oh no. It was nothing." I placed my belongings on the table. "So what topics in Biology do you need help with?"
"Everything."
My eyebrow raised up wondering if she was joking.
"I'm being serious."
"Really? The final is only a week away. I don't think we'll be able to go over all the material."
This time she was the one to release a huge sigh, "I know but you're my last hope. I tried asking my Biology lab partner, my roommate, and even my older sibling. But they all denied me."
"What about the tutoring services the college has to offer?"
This was my initial approach to helping people. I hated this habit of mine. I tend to offer them options before I offer my services. I don't know why I do this. Is it because I'm too lazy? I don't want to help others? Or could it have been from past experiences where my help ended up hurting rather than aiding? Whatever the cause I ended up always doing this.
"I...I wanted help...from you..." she whispered.
Me?
It's been years since someone wanted help from me. I was usually a last resort for many of my peers. I felt...pleased. "Alright...but you better be on your toes now."
"Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!" her hands grabbed mine. I held onto them for a few seconds but quickly pulled them away. "Oh sorry! I shouldn't have done that. I did it without thinking," Vivian apologized. That was another quality of mines that I hated. I was not the touchy-feely affectionate type of person. It took me a few years before I opened myself up to hugs but kisses and "I love you"s are rare. "No you're fine. I'm just not used to that kind of thing," I reassured her.
"Now let's get started shall we?"
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I had to admit, Vivian was a good student. It was odd since she said she attended lectures but I never saw her. Perhaps I didn't look well enough? But on the day of the exam we sat next to each other.
"Remember, if you get stuck between two choices just go with the answer that you would have not picked." I know it was some odd advice but it seemed that the first choice that Vivian picks between two answer choices are always wrong.
"Got it. And remember not to stress over some answers," she whispered.
"I won't," I responded back with a teasing smile.
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Have you seen the scores yet? - Vivian
No. Why? Are they up? - Me
Yup! And guess what? - Vivian
What? - Me
I got a 93!!!! *happy emoji* - Vivian
Great job! *poop emoji* - Me
*tongue sticking out emoji* - Vivian
Of course I was smiling to myself like a dork as I was texting Vivian. My happy mood was dampened a bit when I checked on my grade. An 87. It still kept me up at an 'A' average but I couldn't help but wonder how Vivian did better than me. An odd feeling of resentment filled my heart as I closed my internet browser.
So what did you get? - Vivian
None of your beeswax. *tongue sticking out emoji* - Me
C'mon please! - Vivian
I hesitated to answer back. Why though? Am I really feeling that bitter to not share my score? But not wanting to seem like a sore loser I told her my score.
An 87 - Me
She didn't respond instantly which was to be expected but her response cheered me up a bit.
When the student surpasses the teacher! I guess this means you really are better than me! *happy emoji* I really do appreciate all you have done for me. Are you free this weekend before the Christmas break? - Vivian
Yeah. Only on Saturday though. I plan to leave on Sunday. - Me
Cool! I know this really nice coffee shop! Would you mind...driving me there? - Vivian
Oh goodness first Biology tutoring and now taxi services. Shall I become your butler now? - Me
YES! *heart emoji* - Vivian
I stifled a small bubble of laughter. The heart emoji seemed out of context compared to the sentence but her ridiculousness was refreshing compared to all the other conversations I had...actually more like all the other conversations I don't have.
Alright I'll see you Saturday then - Me
It's a date!!! - Vivian
"Date, psh." I laughed, but for the next few days that word was stuck in my head and tickled my heart.
“What am I doing?” Not even a week ago I was a hermit who lived, breathed, and slept only for school. Taking only occasional breaks to attend to my cats living in the apartment with me. My arm was slung over my eyes as I lied on my bed. This sort of behavior was foreign to me. It has been years since I’ve made a friend really and about five months since I’ve really interacted with anyone. And now I was trying to prepare myself for a da-hangout with a classmate.
Why am I nervous? We’re only grabbing coffee. Gosh...I’m slacking in my social skills now. A long groan of annoyance escaped my mouth as I hastily chose a pair of jeans and a plain colored tee shirt. Since it was getting cold outside I wore a red hoodie over my shirt. It was a rather bright, red hoodie that contrasted against my darker hues of the clothes in my closet. With a few strokes to my hair I decided that how I appeared was fine and that I did not need to be all dressed up for a hangout.
On my way to the pick up Vivian my head was already playing imaginary scenarios that were never to occur, because well...my life is just not that interesting and does not follow the usual plotline of a typical movie or novel. But already I knew that I was stepping into new territory when I saw Vivian who was waiting at the curb for me. She had on black leggings, brown heeled shoes, a red shirt that was covered by a striking white cardigan, and to top it all off a simple gray beanie. Despite all the different shades of color she somehow made them all work. When she spotted me she gave a huge wave and ran over to the passenger side. Eager to get inside and away from the cold she tried pulling the door open, I forgot that my car was old and crappy and had electrical issues. Quickly I leaned over and pulled the lock up and pushed the door open. With a loud creak the door swung open and Vivian jumped inside. “Oh my goodness. It is Texas. It should not be this cold.”
“You think this is cold, imagine how the people up North have it?”
“Point taken. Now let us proceed to the coffee shop.”
“I would if you would so kindly tell me where it’s at.”
“Oh! That would help wouldn’t it? Geez Riley I thought you were psychic. C’mon you’re telling me you’re also a boring human like me?”
I don’t think you’re boring. Heh? What did I just think?
Luckily my only response to her dialogue was a laugh.
Thank goodness I didn’t say it out loud. See not following the script to a movie. The protagonist does not slip up.
It only took about ten minutes to get to the coffee shop, but in that whole ten minutes I was struggling to stay cool. My body felt self-conscious about every move it made. What the hell has corrupted my body to suddenly be nervous around her? This isn’t the first time I’m with her. Some other part of my brain was being really helpful and added, But this time it’s out of school and in a really cozy looking coffee shop.
The coffee shop was really cute. Not many cars were parked since most of the town population had left to start Christmas Break early.
Everything was happening too fast. All these long forgotten feelings of actually socializing, suddenly hanging out with a person, and just breaking away from the dull yet comfortable lifestyle I was living in. A looming worry of multiple consequences clouded my mind and heart down, but then I stole a single glance over to Vivian. There I saw a person who was smiling. A bright color shimmered in her green eyes and I felt a small gasp in the back of my throat as I saw this once familiar face. Happiness, just pure bliss. This feeling dissipated all I knew of a burden on me. I guess this isn't so bad. Perhaps it's time to rewrite my life.
Slowly but thankfully winter break came and went. I didn’t do much, as expected, during the break except lounged around and spent time with my dogs. I didn’t hear much from Vivian except for few text messages giving me a blessing for great holidays. The last time I saw the crazy chick was when we were carpooling to Houston. Turns out that her home was on the way to my house so I was able to drop her off, but not before she had her parents come down to introduce themselves to me. They were equally as crazy as Vivian. It was odd though because Vivian appeared to be a little down when I began driving off.
It was even odder when she said I didn't need to pick her up on the way back to school. Being the nice person I am, I triple-checked with her to ensure that she didn't need a ride back. It worried me. But due to my horrible sense of direction and memory I couldn't drive back to where her home was so I decided to drive back to school by myself. I hated this though. The power I didn't have to actually hunt down my newly made friend and check to see everything was okay. But there was very little I knew about Vivian. Perhaps she has her reasons is the conclusion I tell myself in the end. It was an ambiguous answer to my questions but I didn't want to interfere with what she might be going through.
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The beginning of the spring semester started out once again like it did first semester, except this time I stayed alone. No one paid me any attention, and in return I didn't either. This loneliness was severely inflicting on my mind and heart though. I never realized how much social interaction was necessary to me, a human. My spirits began to dwindle and my grades were chipped away a bit as well. But I held on until Spring Break, where I would be able to visit some old friends and attend a long-awaited concert. There I mentally forced a goal on my mind to continue striving through the emptiness until the break. It was difficult I'm not gonna lie. Seeing all the interactions of others on campus and all the activities going on, it was hard. So why can't I simply just start a conversation? Well it isn't as simple as it seems. The internal conflict of facing embarrassment or perhaps failing to actually start a new friendship is scary to experience.
Then there's also the case that Vivian never talked to me once since school started. We didn't have any classes together though, but I texted her several times hoping for a response. Silence was the only answer. I reasoned with myself that maybe she got a new phone or she might be in the hospital or something (of course not wishing this upon her). My pessimistic part of my conscious was trying to say that she was only pretending to be my friend just so I could help her with tutoring. I mostly ignored this logic, but at some point I nearly believed it, and hated myself for that.
But Spring Break was here and I pulled myself out from the abyss of sadness and mentally said a positive mantra to forget about past emotions and burdens.
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Being it was Houston the weather was hot, slightly humid, and windy all at once. Laughter, screams, and cheers can be heard all around me. The concert that I was attending was taking place in the Houston Livestock Show and Rodeo, an event I look forward to every year. It was a combination of a carnival, livestock show, rodeo, and concert. Of course not all the events happening at once but all within the same day. And this was also the time for people to showcase their "cowboy gear". I didn't own any type of attire close to "cowboy" or "western" so I stuck with a plain black tee, jeans that somewhat flared out at the bottom, and some casual boots (not cowboy boots).
It was a day of fun for sure. But it is conceptually fascinating how within the same person such contrasting emotions can be felt, the only difference affecting them, setting. I was at a joyous place with friends and no worries about any schoolwork for a bit. I even forgot about Vivian until it was close to the time of the concert.
I was out of breath from much adrenaline and laughter. My shirt was sticking to some parts of my skin due to perspiration and my hair was a mess from the wind. The sun was setting and blasted us with its final rays before the end of the day. It was when I was raising up my hand to block some of the sun's rays when I saw a familiar figure. She was wearing a sleeveless, buttoned, blue top, light blue jeans, and black boots. Her back was to me. But it seemed as if she felt a pair of eyes on her for she turned and saw me. I was frozen. Not a single breath left my mouth and my glasses were slowly sliding down the bridge of my nose. A sad smile was on her face when she finally saw who was looking at her. At that moment I didn't know how I should've felt, because there was so much over the past weeks that I've felt towards Vivian. But then a sort of shock back to reality made my head turn towards my sister who was pulling me by the arm to follow her, "C'mon it's almost time. Let's go or we'll be late." Oh right the concert. But wait what about Vivian? I turned back my head to where I saw her, but she was nowhere to be seen. My heart ached a bit. Was it all just a mirage? "Riley c'mon. If you don't hurry the shirts will sale out!" one of my friends shouted out.
"Hold your horses I'm coming!" I called back, masking the pain I was currently feeling. But as I followed after my friends I internally calmed myself down. If I didn't I wouldn't enjoy the concert and I really didn't want anything to taint the happiness I was feeling for the concert. And I especially didn't want it to affect my friends' feelings as well. It took some effort but with the help of the music I was able to forget about what just (or might not have) happened.
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