Personal Collection - Comments/Suggestions Welcomed

[chiannehere]

"No one was there to hear her story.


They would rather tell about their glory.


She would always be there to listen though.


But offering to be heard... she wouldn't go that low."

 

[Grey]

I'm away from home and a stable connection right now, but I'll see what useful commentary I can provide when I get back in the next hour or so. Assuming you'd like constructive criticism.

 

[Zatheron]

I have to say, some great work you have up here. I'm no poet (takes me forever to make rhymes) but my brother and my father have the poetic talent in the family.


Excellent! Keep it up!

 

[Grey]

She Threw a Shoe

​

She threw a shoe at me


and proceeded to laugh with glee.


Her bulging, big eyes displayed laughter


as she expected me to follow after.


I didn't think it was funny.


No one would get a hurting tummy


at what she did to me.


'No one would,' I thought.


'Everyone would agree.'


I wanted to snap at her


but I couldn't.


I wanted to be a monster


but I wouldn't.


I asked, "What was that for?"


She laughs and smiles a little bit more.


"I threw a shoe, you see?"


"Come on, laugh with me!"


Placing a quick 'smile' on my face,


I wanted to get out of this place.


'As if!' I angrily thought.


I wanted her to get caught.


I went back to my book;


back at her, I didn't want to look.


But what she did made me want to explode.


I wanted to get rid of the load.


I couldn't cool down.


There was no clown


that would turn my frown


upside-down.


A throbbing headache wanted to throw my lid.


I wish she could just take back what she did.


I take offense to a lot of things,


from sharp claws to spaghetti strings.


If there was one thing you shouldn't do,


please don't throw a shoe.

Assuming you'd appreciate constructive criticism;


The rhyme scheme is pretty inconsistent. I'm seeing aabb, ccdee, and so on into incoherence. That's not necessarily a bad thing if it serves the point, but it's a bit jarring.


The point, incidentally, is a rather belaboured. You could cover the same ground in half the words, and editing like that is important. It's also presented very blankly, but that's personal preference - I prefer more allegory.


The language is really simple, bordering on comical in places. Was that the intent? Because certain words and phrases just... Well, again, jarring.


Honestly it seems constructed in service of the rhyme, but you've got to remember there's more to poetry than rhyme.

 

[chiannehere]

I think I stopped visiting this site after getting actual constructive criticism ;; After going through tumultuous times, I'm back with an updated first post and an ever-growing index of what I put out. I was able to make major changes with my life, starting with college and mending certain relationships and looking after my own mental health with the help of a therapist. Despite that, I can only try to alleviate some of these obstacles with words and that was how this next work came to be: (think of this as therapeutic)


What keeps you up at night?


Is it the ghosts of those who left you?


The warmth they carried left your chest heavy and your heart hard.


How strong is your will to die?


Strong enough that the words turn into dread.


Why don't you say anything?


I'm afraid I cross the line between complaint and desperate help.


What keeps you up at night?


Your heart racing at the prospect of future promises?


I wish I can get there now.


Heaviness hitting after sudden gratification?


An emptiness. But I don't need anything anyone.


Do you know your friends haven't left you?


Then why can't I say a word?


What keeps you up at night?


"Why do you worry so much?


How can I not?


Are you genuine enough?


I say too little and they get upset.


Did his contempt hurt you?


No. Good riddance.


What keeps you up at night?


Is your throat stained with enough tears?


I can feel death stealing my breath away sometimes.


When was the last time you breathed this frantic?


It's been years.


Do you wish your breaths ended there?


What keeps you up at night?