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Obscured In Thought & Memory (closed)

sumurset

( ´_ノ` ) venatori
It had been a long day.


The sun was setting. With evening came a bustling tavern. Haven was small but the Inquisition was well-manned. It meant the town's tavern often hosted many faces. Soldiers, recruits, quartermasters, and even the commander.


Cullen was not a heavy drinker. Not by any means. But sometimes a mug of ale was necessary.


After the templars had allied with them he had spent the day seeing to them. Making sure they had enough tents. That they knew where everything was. How to navigate the petite village.


Once that cleared he made sure to speak with their lieutenant.


It was all exhausting. He would rather fight someone than bother with diplomacy. He felt shafted for having to do it rather than Josephine. It was her job, after all. She'd said she was busy. That's why he'd accepted the job of dealing with them.


He suspected her nerves had attributed to it as well. Few people were willing to speak with templars. Though they did not bear as stained a reputation as mages most people found them terrifying. And since he used to be one it was only logical that they became his charges.


He entered the well-lit tavern. With so many patrons and the fire roaring it was toasty. A pleasant contrast to the frigid mountain air outside.


The commander took a seat at a table. He was alone.


A woman came to him and asked what he wanted. He told her. She left.


Not long after a man came to him. Cullen recognized him as being one of Leliana's boys. A young scout. They had never spoken before.


"Good evening." Cullen greeted him as a friend despite his confusion.


Why would he come to him in the tavern of all places?


"Ser Cullen? The commander?"


"Yes. Am I needed elsewhere?"


Expecting the answer to be yes, Cullen stood from his chair.


As soon as he stood the scout lunged at him. An empty hand flashed with a blade. It was a dagger. A thin one. Perfect for concealment.


It caught the commander off guard. Still, he recovered from the surprise well.


Cullen knew how to fight. It was in his training.


The scout swung the dagger at his face. He meant to do real damage.


Taking a defensive position Cullen lifted his arm. He grabbed the zealot's wrist.


Even so, the blade cut into his lip. It was painful but he knew he would live.


His brows were set, his gaze hard and cold. Great. Ambushed in the tavern by a soldier. Exactly what he needed.


He disarmed the boy and tossed his knife aside.


Everyone stared.


Cullen could feel blood on his chin. His lips. It dripped onto his shirt. He was bleeding everywhere.


The attacker had his feet knocked out from under him. "Someone take this zealot to the Chantry! Have our Spymaster deal with him."


A large man came forward and took the boy as commanded.


Cullen left. He needed a healer.


The healing process itself was not painful. His lip felt like it was on fire. When he sat down, when the healer applied a poultice, it cooled. It felt raw after the healing.


He took the rest of the poultice and knew to apply it daily. The commander would do as told.


Later, someone informed him that his young attacker had been a mage sympathizer. An extremist who had found disgust in their relationship with the templars. Knowing such only made his distrust towards mages greater. Which, in turn, made him feel worse.


It would never end would it?
 
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Found among the pages in his journal:


She guessed my favorite color on the first try.


I didn't even have a favorite color until she shouted 'red' like it was the Maker's word.



I couldn't deny her. She was so excited. I told her she was right.



Now, I don't look at it the same way. I see red in everything.



I could live happily in it now.
 
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The commander looked up from his desk. A woman had entered the room.


He offered her a smile. She didn't buy into it.


"Any headaches?"


"I told you not to worry about me." He stopped smiling. She sighed as he turned away.


"I have to. If you won't, someone must."


"I'm fine."


"Are you? What you're doing isn't easy, Cullen."


"I'm awa--"


"You could lose your mind or die. Yet here you are, disregarding your own health to look strong and proud. Let yourself be weak. Just once. Please." The man watched a paper near the window flutter. She went on, "You deserve a break. Let someone else take care of things for a while."


"I can't. I haven't lost it yet."


"You can."


"No. I will lose everything but I won't let them down."


"And me?"


"Or you. Please, go."


"Is that what you want?"


"I do. My head hurts."


The woman nodded. She left the room without a word.


His eyes settled on a box. A moment passed.


He picked it up.


Then he shouted. The box hit the wall. It burst open, its contents shattering. Breaking.


Never again.
 
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Found ripped from his journal, in the bin


All slayed. Tortured for so long.


Unnecessary deaths, forfeit souls. I could have saved them. I could have. I should have.


There was so much anger. Anger. Rage. I'm forfeit too.


What can save me?



The events at the Circle.. changed me. I'm not the man I was before, and... I don't like the one I've become.
 
His head felt heavy. Like a dead weight on his neck.


He didn't think about it. He couldn't think.


When was the last time he had slept? He wasn't sure.


Cullen wasn't sure what rest was anymore.


There was something in his gaze. Or nothing. It was nothing.


No light, no feeling. His eyes weren't focused but he was staring out into the universe. He'd reached such a point of exhaustion he began to perceive things that were not there.


Memories came to him. Darkened halls and screams of terror.


There were men and mages and templars, abominations and demons.


And friends.


Companions.


Death.


He shuddered.


His eyes narrowed as his consciousness came back. A sharp exhale fell from his lips. The commander scrubbed at his eyes like he was trying to wash the scenes away.


They weren't real. Those were from long ago. Time had passed. He was fine. Everything was fine. They would patch up the sky and it would be fine. No lyrium, no dependence, no terrors. Fine.


Fineness.


The man stood from his chair and proceeded to fall on the ground.


Darkness took him.
 
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He was shaky. Itching. He itched for it.


It.


He needed it. They all needed him to need it. Take it.


Give in, accept it, use it. Use it.


Use it--give his all. All of him.


He'd done so for the Order why hadn't he done it for the Inquisition?


What had he been thinking--


This was too much. He'd overestimated his abilities. His will.


His strength. He wasn't strong. Not enough.


He needed to talk to Cassandra. Her advice was helpful. She would know what to do. What was best.


What was best?


They needed to replace him. He wasn't capable. Not anymore.


Too much: it was too much.


He wasn't enough.
 
One of the earliest entries in his journal


She looked at me again today.


Maker, I feel like a kid. I'm 18 already, I'm no child.



But the
way she looked at me. I understand what they mean when they talk about those butterflies.


I should talk to her. Somehow I need to find a way. She's a mage, sure, but that shouldn't stop me.



Should it?



Perhaps it's best for me to interact from a safe distance. I don't want either of us getting in trouble.
 
He was shaking.


The philter was in his hand. It was full. Ready.


He stared at it.


There were tears in his eyes.


Then she burst in. The locked door, kicked open.


She hurried over. Her hands found his face. They cupped his cheeks.


They held him with concern on their tips.


"Shh, Cullen, look at me."


He couldn't. His eyes were wide. They were not focused.


She took the philter and set it aside.


A tear spilled over his cheek.


"You don't need it. You don't. Listen to me, Cullen. It's just medicine. You're not sick. You don't need it."


Something she said reached him. In whatever world he had become lost in, she found him.


He was still trembling.


He was on his knees. His hands were in his lap.


She was kneeling before him. Holding his face.


She held him like she was afraid to let go. Like if she did let go he would float away and never come down.


"You don't need it, okay? You can be what you want to. You can be what you were when I met you. When you met me. Cullen, can you hear me?"


He nodded. It was weak.


Another silent tear fell.


"Good. Good, come here."


The woman pulled him close. He rested his head on her shoulder.


She hugged him tight, shushing him.


"You're fine. It's just medicine. You don't need it. No one needs you to take it. You'll be okay. I'm not going to let you fall."


A few minutes passed. His eyes had closed.


"You have such a warm heart. You have such a beautiful brain, love, but it's ruining you. You're disintegrating. Please, please, please don't let it have you."
 
What did she like?


Maker, she must have liked something. There was something. There had to be. Of course there was. But what?


What could he give her?


Cullen put a hand over his forehead.


He stared down at a sheet of paper on his desk. A list was on it.

  • nug? no, bad idea. too high maintenance.
  • giant blanket
  • stuffed animal--what is she, 4 years old? she fights demons for a living.
  • books
  • clothes? does she like clothes? what kind?
  • flowers
  • a service of some kind--to be considered later


They were all viable.


That didn't make it any easier to decide.


He was a commander. He could pick out a blighted gift for the Inquisitor. This was easy. Compared to the strategy he formulated daily? Easy. Easy like pie. Was pie easy?


Maker give me strength.


He moved his hand to his lips. His eyes narrowed.


Did she like books? He wasn't certain. Surely she did. Everyone liked books. He even liked them. Maybe he could find a rare one. A tome lost to the ages.


He did have the resources to do so.


The commander picked up the list and set off towards the main hall. He entered the library and began jogging up the stairs.


"Leliana!"


The spymaster jumped from his shout. Her brow creased. "Commander? Is something wrong?"


He closed the distance between them in a few strides and held up the list. She took it, looking it over.


Her lips curled into a smile.


"Are these gift ideas?"


"Yes."


"Oh, Maker." She giggled.


"What?"


"It's adorable. You're trying so hard."


"Well.. yes. Of course. It's her birthday."


Leliana hummed. She was still smiling. Her expression said she knew something he didn't.


"What do you want to get her?"


"I'm not sure."


"Do you know what she likes?"


"..Um.. yes. Well.. no."


The woman laughed aloud, then. This was priceless.


It was moments like this one that made her love her life.


Her friends and companions.


This reminded her so much of the time when Alistair was trying to find his queen and fellow warden a gift.


She handed him back the list.


"Get her an amulet."


"An amulet? Like an enchanted one?"


"No. A simple one. Something she can tuck under her armor."


"What use is a necklace?"


"Make it a locket, then. Put a little portrait of something in it."


"Of what, though?"


"She'll tell you."


"Right."


Minutes later he stood before the blacksmith.


"Can you make.. jewelry?"


"Jewelry?"


"Yes. Like a necklace."


"I'm sorry, commander. I do axes and swords. Not.. jewelry."


The commander huffed. He left the building.


Back in his office he stared at the list once again. Then he crumpled it and tossed it in the bin.


Jim came in. He was saying something about a report.


Cullen interrupted him.


"Jim!"


"Yes, ser?"


"I need you to go to Val Royeaux."


The scout stood straighter. "Of course, commander. What do you need me to do?"


"Take this," he handed him a small coin purse, "and buy a locket."


"A.. locket, ser?"


"Do you not speak the common language?"


"No, I do, b--"


"Good. Please make haste."


"Right away, ser."


As soon as he left the room Cullen sat down.


He rested his head back and looked at the ceiling.


Mission success.
 
The Red Lion:


A beast native to the Frostback Mountains. Clever, strong, proud.



Creatures capable of taking down almost any game set before them.



They strategize with a natural ease. Their pelts, of which they bear their namesake, are russet with black striping.



These hunters are best known, perhaps, for their feats of incredible swiftness. They are able to tackle and drag away prey at break-neck speeds.



Not much is known of these animals as anyone who gets close enough typically becomes a meal.



They are not afraid of the tool-wielding, bipedal creatures and do not shy away from making them another statistic on their prey list.



---


He had always admired the idea. The idea of having people regard him in similar light. Of having similar traits.


Commander Cullen: clever, strong, proud. Known for his fast sieges. It inspired his planning.


Crack down. Quick and tough. Kick their feet out from under them and steal their fort while they're recuperating.


It was an effective way of strategy. The idea had come to him when he was remembering his childhood. When he was a boy his siblings had teased him. They thought it was funny how enamored with the legendary beasts he was.


At the age of four he participated in play-hunting with his younger brother and older sister. He always chose the lion's role.


His sister was often made the prey (which she hated.)


It was that memory that had him getting out of bed one night and going to his desk. He sat down and began writing and drawing.


The new plan of attack would cause less casualties. It would also take less people to execute.


When he finished he leaned back in his chair. The commander put his hands behind his head.


His eyes settled on the rafters.


He laughed. He appeared comfortable for the first time in ages.


The lions became his identity.


His helmet, a lion's head. His cloak, ornamented with a mane. His seal, a lion.


He had, after so long, fulfilled his childhood dream.
 
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His thumb brushed against her cheek.


A blush rose where he touched her.


She looked down. Pulled away.


His brow creased.


"Are you alright?"


"Yes, yes. I'm sorry, it's nothing."


"What is it?"


"Nothing."


"It's more than nothing."


The woman sighed. He looked at her, expectancy in his gaze.


Silence beat between them.


"Tell me. I care about what you feel."


"You caress my skin like you love it."


"I do love it. I love you."


"But it looks stained. I dislike it."


"I don't."


"How can't you? It's imperfect."


"No it isn't."


"You say that because it's mine."


"I do."


"If it wasn't, you wouldn't say that."


"What does that matter? I said it, I mean it. I love you. I love it, because it is you. They're constellations, but on your skin. Look here."


He leaned toward her. His head lowered. He kissed her exposed shoulder.


"You have the galaxy in you."


She sighed. Her eyes focused on the ceiling.


He pulled her closer.


"It sounds so sweet coming from you."


"I would hope so."


"Like I could almost believe it."


"You should."


"I might."


"I will help you to."


"That's good."


The woman turned to him. She smiled. He returned the gesture.


Her nose rubbed against his. He huffed a chuckle.


"I love you."


"And I, you."


"Goodnight, Cullen."


"Sweet dreams, my love."
 
He was a mess. He felt like one too.


His hands rubbed his face before pushing up into his hair. He held his head. Cullen leaned forward. He propped his elbows on his knees.


There was screaming in his head. His mind was yelling. It hurt. They hurt.


I hurt.


It hurts, it hurts, stop it, it hurts. It's too much, please, stop.


Silence.


He growled.


You're alright. Listen to me. Trust me.


Let me in. I'll relieve the pain. It won't hurt any more.


His eyes closed. It was her.


His voice was rough. Pained.


"Please--please just let me go."
 
Scribbled on the edge of a report


It pities no one. It doesn't know mercy.


Carroll fell to it. He was a good man. I missed him when I went to Kirkwall.



May the Maker take his soul.



And may we destroy this red madness before it destroys us.
 

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